Having Open & Vulnerable Communication With Your Ex Boyfriend- The Step By Step Guide

242 thoughts on “How To Have Open And Vulnerable Communication With Your Ex Boyfriend”

Bella

February 18, 2016 at 12:37 pm

Hey Amor! Hope you’re doing good.

My boyfriend of five years broke up with me in August, two weeks before my sister died. He then moved in with my best friend (they’re not in a relationship) however this ruined my friendship with her.

I tried to get him back for awhile, which he completely strung me along for (giving me chocolates for my birthday, texting me before nights out, saying he couldn’t say yes or no to seeing us get back together). About three months ago I told him I’m done making an effort with him and if he wants me in his life he has to work at it….

So he didn’t talk to me for almost three months! In which time I got out and (mostly) got over him.

So about three weeks ago he adds me on snapchat out of the blue. A week later he messages me and asks to meet up. I went along, he told me how he found a suicide victim and apologized to me for his actions at a time when I needed support ect. He seemed upset for the whole encounter. Ever since then there’s been a complete 180 flip of the situation, he texts me most days, replies straight away and we’ve met up a few times and things have been fine.

My problem is that I don’t know if he wants me back or is just wants me as a ‘friend’ because it’s obvious that I’m doing better than he is. I could contemplate forgiving him and taking him back, and I don’t mind re-forming a connection in order to start again. However, I don’t really see the point in wasting time on a friendship that I’ll want to give up on if either of us get in a relationship, or just being used for support. I’d like to ask him what he wants but I’m not really sure how to approach it, and I don’t really want to ruin things.

I’d really appreciate any advice you have on the situation 🙂

Bella

February 18, 2016 at 6:20 pm

Thanks for replying!

I’m not really to be honest. I don’t know if it’s ever possible to be ‘just friends’ with so much history and I don’t really think it’s fair on new partners to maintain a friendship with an ex. Not to mention that I don’t need his support, I’ve plenty of actual just friends who fill that void, and I owe him nothing.

I know he doesn’t have the same support network around him. I don’t mind being there for him for the moment, but I know I’m not fully over him and I really don’t want to take a step backwards, also I don’t just exist for him to use me emotionally.

We weren’t speaking for ages so it’s not like he suddenly lost me as a friend. The only reasons I can think of for him wanting to open up communication are that he thinks he wants me back or he needs a support/ego boost.

He was a good boyfriend for the most part, he broke up with me because we weren’t happy anymore. I was unemployed and stressed because of my sisters illness, so I was unhappy in general. I think he blamed me for his unhappiness and thought that getting rid of me would make him happy. Now I think he’s realizing he was wrong because I’m loving life and he’s more miserable than I’ve ever known him.
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 19, 2016 at 8:21 am

You have to observe of he’s making an effort to go back with you and if he’s making friends.. So, if you’re sure that he’s just making friends, then politely tell him you can’t do it
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 18, 2016 at 4:54 pm

Hi Bella,

Thank you for asking.. I’m good!

So, if ever he wants to be just friends you’re not open to it?

TOTALLY CONFUSED

February 8, 2016 at 8:31 am

Hi Chris/ Amor,

I have successfully completed NC for 30 days and have been in contact with my ex for about three weeks now. My boyfriend broke up with me stating that he just wasn’t sure about me and needed to be single and to get over his ex cheating on him. We were together about 9 months. He responded very positively to my text messages after NC at the start but I think I may have screwed things up a bit. Initially, he seemed very happy to hear from me and even said he was happy I was talking to him again because he thought I would never talk to him again. I kept to conversation light and tried cutting it at the high points. At a certain point he got a little bit comfortable and it seemed like he was always expecting a text from me, so trying to implement the tide theory, I would sometimes not respond for a day or so. We finally met about a week back, he was really flirty with me, kept lots of eye contact, kept asking me if I was seeing anyone, used any excuse to touch me and asked to see me again. I got the second date and I met him a second time. He seemed a bit more reserved this time around but still flirted with me a bit, asked if I was seeing anyone, kept eye contact and throughout the whole time had his leg touching mine. He asked to see me again. Up until that point I was still always the one initiating contact. I fell sick right after that (the date was on the Sunday), I was sick on the Monday and so spent a full two days in bed asleep (I didn’t text him at that time). I messaged him on the Wednesday to see how he was and then messaged on Thursday to see if he wanted to meet up on Friday. He told me he had made plans with friends which I understand happens as I asked last minute. We spoke for a bit and then he went silent on me. We didn’t message Friday and on Saturday night I messaged asking how his night was going and I was out for dinner. He said he was at home and enjoy. I messaged again about meeting up like he asked and we are in the middle of deciding on a day and time for our third date. I think perhaps maybe my silence after our last date (because I was sick) has made him think I am no longer interested in him. Before he used to respond to my texts fairly timely but now takes three or four hours to respond. I would also be the one to end the conversation usually but now he seems to be doing that a lot more and I find myself messaging more frequently to start a conversation. Could you please tell me if I have screwed things up and if he has lost interest in me? What can I do to rectify the situation I am in? Please help, I am really confused. Thanks!

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 9, 2016 at 3:50 am

But you’re still meeting up fornthe fourth time right? Of yes, then focus on what to do that day. It’s ur chance to attract him back

Jan

February 1, 2016 at 5:25 pm

Hey Amor,

Yes i did check out the articles on texting but he is taking his own sweet time when replying to me. he is clearly “online” and replying others but not me. But on some days our conversations flows rather smoothly while there are days where it is just so hard to sustain the conversation. Are these bad signs and should I move on?

Jan

February 8, 2016 at 10:14 am

hey amor,

yeap i did send him text regarding his favourite shows and things that might interest him. problem is, it fizzle out quite fast and i dont think that me being the “go to” girl for things like a certain show can help me get him back. knowing my ex, I’ll need to be someone that really “gets him”, someone that he feels comfortable opening up to and share his personal problems with. do you have any advice on how to open him up? thanks alot 🙂
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 9, 2016 at 6:38 am

Hmmm.. that’s good that you know what he wants. That means you really need to build the friendship back or when he talks or texts you about something listen or be interested in it.
Jan

February 3, 2016 at 10:19 am

Hi Amor,

his replies ranges from neutral to positive! I did try to bring up past happy memories but i mostly get a neutral response. (that is, he just replies “haha lol” Should i be too concern about how long does he takes to respond to me? It is really annoying as it can go up to a few hours when i know, he isn’t busy at all. Anyways, i would just like to thank you so much for responding back to me, I feel like there is no one i can talk to as we have too many mutuals friends and i am avoiding talking about him to them.
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 3, 2016 at 3:50 pm

You’re welcome. I am glad I can be of help somehow. He may be thinking about what to text you. But it’s a good thing that he is replying positively or neutrally instead of negativity right? Have you tried sending him interesting messages for him aside from the remember me text?
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 3, 2016 at 9:58 am

If he’s replying is it positive?

Anna

January 27, 2016 at 9:02 pm

Hey Chris!
I have a doubt, do you implement this after NC, and if he is responding after it?
or can you use this even after he doesn’t respond during and after NC?

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 28, 2016 at 9:05 am

Hi Anna,

Did you mean the open vulnerable communication? If you can have it before nc then better! If you want to have an open and vulnerable communication after nc, that would have to wait until he’s ready or comfortable enough to have that with you.

Jan

January 25, 2016 at 2:48 pm

Hi Chris,

Please help me!! I have successfully completed no contact and is now currently texting my ex. Everything is going not too bad but i realise that most of the time, i have to initiate contact, if not, we won’t be having any conversations. Also, we are only talking about really superficial stuff and he is not really opening up to me. So what can I do to get him to connect emotionally?
Please help me!!

Jan

January 26, 2016 at 6:59 am

Hey Amor!

Superficial things like school and tv shows etc. I want to know how to get him to open up to me, telling me about his feelings and personal life. I did try topics he is really into but it never seem to go into a deeper more emotional conversation?
EBR Team Member: Amor

January 26, 2016 at 1:33 pm

Hmm have you tried to check Chris’ posts about texting? or purchasing his books?
EBR Team Member: Amor

January 25, 2016 at 2:54 pm

Hi Jan,

What do you mean about superficial? Have you tried topics that he’s really into?

Sue

January 13, 2016 at 5:23 pm

Hi, my ex boyfriend has been seeing someone else for about 6-8 weeks tops and we have been spilt up for 3 months total. I followed no contact rule in last month, he contacted me twice and I replied mirroring him, giving no more than fitted his texts. I have since sent him a message about something that reminded me of him and he replied, and asked a couple of questions about what I had been up to, I replied vaguely and he then replied and then I said off out, take care. Now what do I do

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 15, 2016 at 2:04 pm

Hi Sue!,

Congratulations on taking another step after the no contact rule. I think you can try to initiate positive conversations with him that are more engaging that can lead to you making it easy to invite him later on or him inviting you out later on. Better yet, check this out to guide you for the next step. Texting and ex boyfriend(the new rules)

Krystle

January 1, 2016 at 11:57 pm

Hi Chris!

i am in desperate need of help and I feel like you may be the only one with some answers.

Long story short by ex boyfriend broke up with me 5 months ago (it was a very bad breakup) bascially we fight non-stop over silly things that I often initiated and we had small break ups in between that he always initiated but after me begging he took me back.

For 5 months we have been going back in forth where he puts me in no contact for a week then we talk then it’s a yes then it’s a no and recently for the past month we have been officially “working on things” but then he pulled the plug when I pressured commitment and he said no he can’t commit and said he was lying to himself and his not working on things. He has just quit his job and his due to go overseas to South America tomorrow for 5 weeks. We have met up to talk and he just says he doesn’t want to be with me because he has nothing left to give and his too hurt, I have been telling me non-stop I would do whatever it takes.

He has noodfocially blocked me on the phone so I can’t call and text (his done this before but never this long) and he keeps saying he doesn’t know what the future holds.

Do I keep trying? him going away for 5 weeks will be our first NC since the break up so I think it may be good for us or is it just a lost cause? His just so confusing and seems confused!

Btw his 26 and I’m his first gf, we have been together 1 year and a half.. He says he can’t even think of other girls and that he has a wall built up so high but I don’t know what to do anymore! I really love him Chris and I know I made a lot of mistakes along the way which is why I am trying so hard to fix it but he just won’t let me.

Help please!

Krystle

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 19, 2016 at 11:29 am

HI Krystle,

Honestly, you have to do NC so you can avoid talking to him emotionally. Plus, don’t rush things. he could feel pressured again. Give him space, trying to soon can do more harm than good.

Queen

January 1, 2016 at 5:18 pm

Hi I love following all your posts! My boyfriend, Ryan broke up with me half a year ago, bcos my parents are hard & difficult on him. Especially my dad, he death threats him & put him in handcuffs by police, wrongly accused him as ‘mastermind criminal’, bcos he so smart and don’t backdown to my dad like the previous ex who sucked up to my dad. Thus Ryan hate my dad alot because I went to live with him without telling my parents for a while. My ex never break up by person, because my dad make him cut all contacts with me even by whatsapp. He doesn’t dare to call me or answer my calls; he said I am immature to be living still with my overprotective parents. We are both 25 working adults middle class. I can’t buy my house yet with this economic crisis. Within this few months; I had self-improved, upload my facebook hot posts, gone NC, tried to reach out to my ex by normal conversation starters like ur articles, Ryan by few whatsapp texts but he ignored and didn’t open it, the blue ticks never register! The last time Ryan talk to me, he didn’t mention of any future talks but didn’t call me no more. He wanted to work with me last time in my company as investor. We plan future to travel to Italy etcetera & by now should have gone for holidays as that was his plans. As far as I notice, he didn’t want to meet up, semi-block me, and probably going out with a fat chick as rebound girl. What should I do Chris? I had done everything, going out dating others as hot solo woman, enjoying Christmas alone, now is the New Year 2016, I wish he return to me, but there’s no chance if we don’t work/go to same place/slight chance to bump into him. I have even told him months ago that my parents had cooled off. In fact, I met up our mutual guy friend and he send to Ryan photo of us hanging out, he sound doesn’t care in reply. He used to revolve his life around mine, used to be jealous every single guy that come into contact to me, now he acting like uncared and silent treatment or no contact. I have grown much, but he can’t see my improvements if he don’t want to seek me. What should I do Chris?

Queen

May 25, 2016 at 6:52 pm

TQ Amor, yes it’s true it’s my dad. He stopping me alot in life, and I am having a chinese dad! So much for Asian parents. I had moved on to date many other guys now and try to gain more independence in my life step by steps. But how to deal with my dad, many times I had confronted my own dad itself too to stop spoiling my life! My parents can’t see me to date outside of my race, and ofcourse I just keep pushing on in life.

I am 25 btw. My ex Ryan, he has moved out of his apartment asap without telling me after we broke up, as I had tried to go over but his housemate told me that he move after I moved out, means he really cleared out of his place in fear of my dad. I can’t find my ex now unless he answer my call which he ignored all my NC/texts etc. Now I more determined for a better relationship. Recently I discover my ex on a dating site as single. He is ready to pursue new girls, but how to make him consider me too.
EBR Team Member: Amor

January 19, 2016 at 11:26 am

Hi Queen,
Sorry to say but the deal breaker is actually your dad. Even if you don’t get back with your ex, your next relationship will be the same. Your parents wants the best of you, but they could at least show respect right? It doesn’t matter what you do with yourself because the real issue your dad.

Confused in the friendzone

November 17, 2015 at 11:25 pm

Hi Chris so me and my ex broke up in August. I have noticed lately that subtle hints have been dropped on his twitter that I feel he wanted me to see. I have since wondered why. Recently I decided that I wanted to go to see a movie with a friend but he wanted to go too. I invited him but he never responded. I sent him a text to see if he could still go and if not I’d go with my male best friend. He never responded again so I decided that maybe he didn’t get them. I didn’t want it to seem like I was being fake so I called no answer. Is or was he stringing me a long or is he mad that I am choosing to go with my male friend?
cee

October 30, 2015 at 6:23 am

Hi Chris,
I wanted to write you in hopes of getting additional advice. My ex broke it off with me over the summer because he had “things to figure out with his career.” He subsequently unfollowed and blocked me on instagram and facebook, the main social media platforms that we both use. Over the past couple of months I’ve tried to move on – at first just getting over it cold turkey. When I felt ready, I joined dating websites and chatting with new guys. I still thought of him a lot over that time, I cracked a few times and sent my ex texts 2 times over a 3 month period with no reply from him. About a month ago, he actually sent me a text saying that he would be in my area (we live a few hours away from each other). In the text he basically stated that he didn’t have any negative feelings towards me, he said he didn’t handle the situation appropriately, and wanted to see me when he was in my area. Initially, I felt that he was just looking for a hook up without saying it so blatantly. I responded neutrally and stated that I probably would have done the same thing he did with figuring out his career and ultimately I didn’t feel like it was a good idea to see each other again. BUT I really did want to see him again. I just didn’t want him to think that it would be so easy to see me/get again and I wanted him to feel like he would have to do a lot more than just text me to get my attention. Fast forward a month (a week ago), I text him and ask him about his trip. We strike up a pretty good conversation via text and he is responding proportionately and positively to my texts, which I do see as a very good sign considering there was a time when he flat out ignored me. I want to eventually talk to him about what happened before and at least address the issues we had, not sure if that’s a good idea at this point though. I just don’t know the “when?” and “how?” aspects of it. We are also long distance, which complicates things slightly. I’m very scared of rejection with him because it’s happened before and it could always happen again. Thanks ahead of time for any advice!
Elin

October 27, 2015 at 8:17 am

Long story short -> My boyfriend broke up with me after living together for 2,5 years.

For quite a long time now I’ve been acting needy, nagging… you name it, I’ve done it the past months.
Anyway, he broke up with me saying he wasn’t happy anymore, he didn’t wanna be in a relationship anymore (I get him now but I was blind before).

I’ve also done the mistake of texting him these past 2 weeks (he broke up with me 2 weeks ago), saying that I miss him, saying that I wish it wouldn’t have ended like this. I’ve gotten the same responce every time, him saying he loves me but it’s different now, that he wants to be alone without me and move on.. Like a dagger to my chest.

Anyway now after reading your e-book I get the NC picture, but there is ONE small problem..

We lived together and we are meeting up on thursday (17 days after breakup and a lot of contact from my side) talking about practical things such as furniture dividing etc..

HOW can I act on thursday? What should I say? How should I approach this in the best way? After this commence the NC period… but what can I do during our meeting on thursday? Cold..? please help!!

Chris Seiter

December 4, 2015 at 2:08 pm

That is fine. Getting your stuff back doesn’t count as breaking no contact. No do not be cold, just be really nice and short. Make it as quick as possible. Don’t talk about your relationship or getting back together. Try to seem sort of happy.

Ola

September 30, 2015 at 5:30 pm

Hi Chris,
First of all i really like your page and it really helps. I manage to understand a lot more for my i dont know how to call it anymore but for my boyfriend i guess. My problem seams to be different from the problem of the other girls in here. Ive been with my bf for almost 2 years now and before getting into a relationship we were best friends. After getting in relationship with him things happened and was left with no friend and he played the role of my boyfriend and my best friend. Things got more complicated because I was used with lot of people around me and he asked me things that would improve our relationship but i had a hard time to do them so it took me same time to archive them. He kind of got broke seeing me straggling for this things and kind of started to lose attraction in me . Right now we are in a phase where things are cold. He ask me some times to break up and i didn’t want to so we stayed together. He said that he didnt want me to do anything stupid (i would probably do stupid things after breaking up with him and he knows it). He now refuses to show love to mi or even hug me with his with without me asking for a hug . well i dont get any. from the idea of losing him i also have been very sad and stressed plus i live with my parent and sometimes i have stress at home also at school and future and all that so Im not able to stay calm when i talk to him. I intermediately when i talk to him i imagine what if he breaks up with me now. The point is he right now is not my boyfriend and also is not ex. I really would appreciate if you have any advice how to win his love and attention again. He also will leave after 6 months and this really freaks me out.
(sorry for my grammar mistakes)
Stuck on this one

September 26, 2015 at 8:00 pm

Hey Chris, so my boyfriend came back to me and it was 3ish months after the split I would say, the ending was pretty bad as I had caught him flirting with other girls and hanging out with them and lying to me. It’s been three months now and after we started meeting up he’s apologized for the ending of it and wants to fix things and not mess up this time. He admit to making out with one of those girls about a month after we broke up. I’m glad he told me the truth I just don’t know how to handle it, I know he still talks to them and I don’t know how to make him stop without seeming controlling. I have been showing signs of being upset and I feel like I still am, I’m having a lot of trust issues how should I handle this?

Stuck on this one

September 30, 2015 at 11:16 am

Hi again Chris, so my boyfriend was telling MY friends that he was dating me not sure what he told his boys but I know there are girls he still flirts with, regardless of telling me he loves me, he misses me, he wants another chance and that I should give one to him and make out with ME and cuddles with me too, he still talks to those girls. Yesterday I recieved a snapchat of one of the girls he was flirting with from before. His phone was in her hand, and she captioned it “my bby” I was obviously mad since he was giving me the impression that we were together but he told me she was crazy and that she sent it however, I was still angry. He then sent another picture with her. Is this guy even worth getting back

Sue

September 24, 2015 at 5:48 am

Chris, I need some help. I’ve spent the day going through your advice. My ex walked out on me a week ago and sent a text message to my mum, friend and uncle to say that he has left me and look after me, he then sent me the text while I was at work. By the time I got home all of his stuff had been taken and the keys on the bench. I went straight over to his mum’s and she wouldn’t let me see him because he was sleeping (has been on night shift) I walked away. My dad died suddenly 4 months ago and I was very close to him, when I got home I noticed that my ex had also taken belongings of my dad which was handed to us only a couple weeks ago. I tried to get these back as they are more sentimental to me and I don’t believe he should think he could take this stuff. To which his mum slammed the door in my face and told me to speak to my uncle about the stuff (which has nothing to do with him). I have also found out that my ex has blocked me from being able to contact him or get messages through, he has also blocked my mum but has allowed contact from my friend and my Uncle. My ex left me last November but came back in December because he regretted it. I feel like I am in the same situation as last time as everything seems to be the same, a big stressful event, him working night shift and not being able to see each other, us having a fight and him not communicating with me, the silent treatment. He told my friend he would call but if I got angry and yelled he would hang up. That call never came, I want to let go but we didn’t get back together correctly last time and didn’t fix any of the issues. I want my chance to talk, I need it and deserve it, I am even happy to actually let him say his peace and maybe I will also feel that it is worth walking away from. I had a lot of issues with him but I loved him and accepted his faults, yes I needed things to change but I did not believe that our relationship was this bad that it took him to up and leave without even an explanation. Everyone is telling me he won’t change that this is the second time he has done this but I just can’t let go I need some closure, he has also left stuff behind that I know he would want back but I am not willing to take it to him unless he gives me back the stuff he has taken. I don’t want to close this relationship, I want to find the faults and see if we both can compromise. I just don’t know what to do.
Jen

September 24, 2015 at 12:29 am

Hi Chris!
Ive left quite a few comments on your site and I hope I can get a reply from you soon because I am getting into murky waters here and Im starting to get nervous.
So to give a background, my ex and I were together for 4 months. I was 19 and he was 17 before the break up. We both have had birthdays so we are now a year older. Anyway, we were doing great for the first 3 months. He even told me he was in love with me and I was the best thing that ever happened to him, he wanted to marry me one day and build a life together. Basically every sweet thing in the book. However, after he got fired from our job, we didnt see each other much plus I dont think his mom was very fond of the fact that I was 19 so she kept him from seeing me a lot of the time.
Around July 16, things started getting crazy. He had gotten a new job so we REALLY could barely see each other and talk/text because either I was working, he was working, or one of us was asleep (our jobs had some crazy hours!). July 18th, he found out one of his friends that had been missing committed suicide. I gave him some space after that because he asked for it but he came back 2 days later although I could tell he was still upset of course. He slowly started to become depressed. His phone broke the week after so we werent able to speak for about a week and a half. That time was really hard for me and I actually became a gnat blowing up his social media with msgs (I saw him get on. He “used a friend’s phone”) and i even wrote him a letter saying i felt like things were changing and that he wasnt putting any effort into the relationship. He apologized and promised he would change. Once he got a new phone, he called me Aug 8 and said we could see each other the following friday (aug 14. a week before my birthday). We spoke all that week and a whole lot on Aug 13th and i felt like things were better again. Then friday came when we were supposed to see each other. Id texted him how excited I was to finally see him after over a month and he ghosts. He does not respond to any of my msgs or calls. I totally gnatted out big time, especially when he posted online that he was at the skate park with some friends (he skates when hes stressed. Skating is really important to him. It saved his life). The next day, he called and said he wanted to take a break to get his life together, not to see other girls, he felt like he couldnt be there for me like he wanted to, and that we would still talk. I reluctantly agreed. He txted me briefly two days later but ghosted when I tried to console him after asking what was wrong. He said “Im just a terrible person” and “My life is just falling apart”. Around this time, I found out through social media that he would not be able to start school this semester because of his procrastination. Two days after, I txted him to clarify the purpose of the break (I was starting to feel like he just wanted to break up because we had already gone over a month without seeing each other and barely speaking. That WAS a break. And he had been out every day with his friends skating.) He answered with the same thing and gnatted again. It actually seemed like he had lost his new job because of how much free time he’d had. My birthday came Aug 21 and when he did not contact me, I txted him saying that I think my birthday is more important than the break and he could have at least said happy birthday. He called immediately and we had a really short but pleasant conversation. He told me that he loved me and that he appreciates me.
Unfortunately the next night, (two nights before his birthday on Aug 24th) my friends got into my head and I started believing that the “break” was a cop out for him actually wanting to break up. I gnatted again and told him that we either break up or work thru it and if i didnt hear from him by a certain time the next day then id take that as him wanting to break up (BIGGEST no no!). He never said anything so when the time came i confirmed his decision with an official break up txt (he wouldnt answer my call) saying basically that I loved him, I hope he realizes that he cant expect to keep things and people in his life without putting any effort in, and that I hope the best for him and his future. I went straight into NC.
That was a month ago. During NC, Ive definitely had a lot of time to think and Ive realized now that I was definitely a crazy gf because of my impatience. Looking back, I see he was under an extreme amount of stress for a 17 year old (even though I knew that during the time) and my reactions to his withdrawal only made the stress worse for him even though I only wanted to help him through his issues. NC has literally forced me to be patient and it is something I am still working on but Im getting better at it. I also took this time to go out with some friends and try to focus on school, joining clubs and meditating to help with my impatience and anxiety caused by it. Ive even been getting attention from a lot of other guys so my confidence aura may be improving haha. I unfollowed him on IG and Twitter but he still follows me. I checked up on him the first 3 days after the break up, not directly but watching his social media to make sure he was ok (hed been suicidal many times in the past before we met.) I stopped checking once a found your site and focused on me. About a week before the end of my NC, I checked up on him to see if there were any new girls or if the NC was effecting him at all. No new girls but hed said a couple things that I feel like were about me (like a vague “i miss you” tweet and then some song lyrics that applied to us). Hes also been.. smoking.. a lot more than he ever has and I think he is trying to use that to cope with everything (he actually said he hadnt been sober for 2 weeks). After this check, I ghosted from social media until saturday (sept 19) when i went to the beach with my friend. I posted a pic on IG and he liked it. Other than him liking my picture (if that even counts) he had not tried to contact me during NC. I attributed this to him being very stubborn and maybe a bit scared.
My NC ended yesterday (sept 22) and I was excited to move on to the next step in the ExBfRec process. Im actually really proud of myself for not contacting him. I sent the first text, saying “Omg the craziest thing just happened that made me think of you. Youll never guess lol”. He never responded. I tried to manage my expectations but I couldnt help but hope hed at least respond but obviously he doesnt want to talk to me. After a month of space, that wasnt enough time? I didnt gnat this time even though I really wanted to but I held it together. Later last night he went on a twitter rant and he seemed very lonely. Like he is still not doing well. Maybe? He also might be in the resentment stage u mentioned in one of your “male minds” guides.
I cant help but think that hes ignoring me because he feels like he isnt good enough for me. While we were together, hes said a few times that hes scared to mess up, scared he’ll hurt me, scared that one day Ill wake up and decide he isnt good enough. In a sense, all of his fears came true, or at least he probably feels that way.
I think now I am going to wait 7 days and try to contact him again. Halfway through, I am going to re-request him on IG to gage if he really wants nothing to do with me (even though youd think he would have unfollowed and blocked me if that was really the case right?). Is this the right thing to do?
Also, Im not sure what i should text him now that my first attempt has failed. I was going to try the “I have a confession..” text but I have a couple questions about the delivery because there are many ways to go about it:
1) text his cell phone like last time? (I cant see if he read it)
2) text his iphone which he uses more? (I may be able to see if he read it) or
3) DM him on IG telling him “Is xxxx still your number? I have a confession..” and seeing if he tells me which medium hed rather talk through? (assuming he accepts my follow request and responds. I can definitely see if he read it)
Also the content of the actual confession.. I was thinking of saying:
1) “A couple things have reminded me of you lately so I thought Id reach out. Its ok if you arent ready to talk to me but I want you to know I have absolutely no negative feelings toward you. I still want good things for you and I hope you’re doing ok 🙂 ” or
2) skipping the whole confession part and just saying “A friend told me about Drake’s new album. Ive listened to a few songs and its really good. I know how much you love him.”
Ive been managing this far without your feedback and I understand you are extremely busy with thousands of comments and a new baby. I just REALLY need your help now because a mistake in these next steps could mess up everything! Thanks!

Jen

September 29, 2015 at 10:52 pm

*UPDATE 2*
Hi Chris!
Im back again haha. So I sent the confession text without the “its ok if your not ready” part I mentioned to his iphone and it worked! He responded! AND POSITIVELY. Im so happy and relieved. I only planned on exchanging 3 messages with him but as soon as I was about to end the conversation, he asked what I was doing this weekend because he wants to meet up! We set a day and then I ended the conversation. SUCCESS.
Theres more. Last night we stayed up until 3am texting (I know thats so long) for 4 hours straight. Turns out he WAS scared to talk to me because he thought I hated him and he was hurt because he thought I was trying to see other people, which is what he gathered from my twitter. Ironically the 2 tweets he was talking about were about him. I also got to ask him if he’d really wanted to break up when it happened, since he never said anything when it was happening. He said “Im not even sure. I just know that I love you.” My world literally stopped. It felt like a dream.
However, despite the fact that we both know we love each other, we still have work to do. We arent back together yet but we’ve decided to work on rebuilding our trust again. Hes still hurt by the whole thing and since hes so sensitive, he retreated into himself over the NC period and just shut off caring about things. But I know he does care, its just his way of trying to protect himself. Im going to continue to work on my patience and trust with him while he opens up at his own pace. Even though his guard is up, its not as high as it could be because he was being pretty honest and open last night about how he felt. This particular guide will come in handy at this point.
He also brought up sex.. Not sure if that was a red flag or not. I did tell him I wanted to be back together before we did anything and he said hed wait until I was ready. So maybe its not a red flag?
Finally, I just want to say thank you so much Chris.Your site and guides are truly amazing. Without them, I can say I 100% would not be in the situation im in now. The odds for us rebuilding and being better this time around are great. THANK YOU! 🙂
Jen

September 24, 2015 at 10:23 pm

*SHORT UPDATE*
My anxiousness actually got the best of me this morning and instead of waiting, I refollowed him on Twitter and favorited something he tweeted about 15 min earlier. But then about an hour later, he favorited something I tweeted 4 weeks ago.. So I guess it didnt hurt the plan that much but im still a little disappointed I gave in. He had to go pretty deep to find that so its safe to assume hes looking at my social media. I havnt been putting up any new info so he really has no idea whats going on in my life. Im just confused now because if hes looking at my profiles liking and favoriting things then why did he ignore my first text? :/
Im going to continue to wait until next week to try texting him again. Im going to text his iphone this time and I think Im going to go ahead and use the “confession”. I just dont know if I should keep the “Its ok if your not ready to talk to me yet” part or not. Maybe not?
I feel like Im overthinking this whole thing because Im analyzing everything. You can probably tell Im a bit of a perfectionist >.< I just dont want to mess this up!
Thanks so much Chris

janvi

September 22, 2015 at 9:25 am

HI Chris,

I m three years older than my boyfriend(cancerian) ,we were best friends at time he convinced me that he loves me like anything and this thing would be feasible .So, finally we moved in this long distance relationship in 2010 and this ride was very smooth apart from the fact he had always had the upper hand .Then in 2014 when he started his first job ,there were so many misunderstandings and fights between us that we never said to each other but we broke up .in that period everything happened we cursed each other and every worst possible thing ………. .but , after one month we were like normal talking each other in fact we acted like couples visited each other city often and every now and then we talked about getting back again .Due to situations we never had anything official .
Then in june 2015 we met in my city and I told him clearly that I wont do this any further , we are only going to be in touch if there is commitment otherwise better we move on and then everything settled down on a happy note .”we were again couple ”
Then recently 15 days back when we met he said to me hes calling it off because we don’t have any future and he thinks we are not compatible enough I cried like mad person in front of him ,he consoled me and said hes sorry but its not possible .ON the way back home he kissed me hugged me and traveled 10 kms in cab with me just to drop me home .
when I came back I begged pleaded did everything to re think about his decision but he said to me do not do this you making me weak and if unwillingly I be with you its of no use because I do not have feelings for you and not to force him to block me as, he wants to be with me like my friend
After two days he was normal talking to me following routines calling me at morning texting me and other day he came really close to me in night on a call ,and next day he said to me , that whatever happened last night he do not want it to happen again .
I really love him but he avoid talking about all this, he cares for me ask about my health do everything but avoid me when I’m sad or when he sense me crying .
Curls

September 20, 2015 at 7:00 pm

Hi I completed 30 days NC he is the stubborn man type so didn’t contact me in that period. My initial was very well accepted very positive replies. I ended at right place all communication has been really positive. Have done story, compliment, best of us, I miss and two of the GF,s messages. After 3 weeks he has asked about his stuff in my place and is coming in 3 days. I said I had some plans so 3 days. I have confidence, emotionally strong and have lost a stone, whitened teeth brighter skin and eyes and I have nice jeans shirt combo for when he comes. Have bought your book but it just talks about what to do on a date not such a contact like this. I think he is using it to see me but what convo do I have one about not mentioning relationship or a push pull unbeatable one ? Help little lost.
penelope

September 9, 2015 at 12:40 am

Chris, I love your site and find your posts very witty, insightful and honestly they make me laugh. I appreciate your sense of humor and how blunt you are. I’ve read many of them over and over. My guy has always had a thing for me for years and years (15?) We were best friends (nothing romantic on my side) in our late teens. We tried a LDR about 5yrs ago but ultimately I made the (stupid decision) to go back to my ex husband (custody issues, etc). He kept checking on me via email through the years. He finally moved back to the same state and was single at the same time I was trying to leave a bad, messy marriage. He contacted me via email again and it took about 6 months of me moving out of my house and filing for divorce and him feeling safe I wouldn’t run back to my marriage (officially divorced for a year) but we were finally together. For a year and a half solid. We were best friends, partners in crime and very attracted to each other. We have discussed marriage/kids and even as recent as a 2 months ago we were still on the same page. We wanted those things with each other. We got in to a huge fight about 5 wks ago and have been broken up for 4 weeks. He says our fight clicked something in him and he isn’t sure if he sees marriage or kids in our future and isn’t sure he is in love with me anymore. I am in day 26 of NC. We are still friends on social media and all of our pics are still up and visible from everything we did during our time together. I’m not sure there is hope. Reading your site I’m not sure I can use any of the tactics to re-establish our emotional connection. I feel that is what has been lost forever. Thoughts?
Catt

September 8, 2015 at 9:57 am

Hi Chris, I emailed you a few days back for some advice, I don’t see my post on your page, did you get it?

I think I’m in an impossible situation, any advice you can give would be greatly appreciated.

Chris Seiter

September 12, 2015 at 2:14 am

Can you post it here?

Catt

September 6, 2015 at 11:27 pm

I’ve been married for over 20 years but have not been happy for a long time. My husband is a great guy but I don’t love him any more. I met someone else who I love with all my heart. We’ve been seeing each other for over 7 years however I found it hard to leave my husband, eaten up by guilt and fear. I know it’s wrong, immoral but I fell in love with my best friend. I’ve left my husband before and went back and recently told him again that it was over but I allowed myself to be feel guilty again and didn’t see it through. I think I have been grieving my marriage in the most unhealthiest way, by still being there and not moving on for everyone’s sake. I have now hurt the love of my life, my best friens, he no longer trusts me or has faith in us. He suffers from low self esteem and my actions have played right into all his insecurities. We still love each other deeply of that I’m sure but the damage I’ve caused …. He still wants to remain friends, he is my best friend. He has asked for time and space to heal and feel better about himself, I am struggling with this, but we both need time and space and I respect his wishes. I just hope in time I can gain his trust again. My husband and I are splitting, none of this has been fair on anyone and I hate myself for all the hurt and pain I’ve caused. Do you think he will still want to remain friends after the no contact period and hopefully in time and with a lot of hard work on my part we can start afresh? A new relationship based on communication and trust.

Catt

September 12, 2015 at 2:22 pm

Oh Chris, it’s not my husband I want to be with, I have been unhappy for some time. I’m in love with someone else but he says I left it too late to leave my husband. He wants no contact for a time to heal and said he will come to me. He still wants to be friends, we are best friends. I no longer want to stay in my marriage, either way, I still want my lover and best friend back. We want the same things in life and from a relationship, I hope that’s a good place to start. Any advice?
Chris Seiter

September 12, 2015 at 1:51 am

Oh yay!

I am working on a new site just for you… or people in your situation.

It’s called My Marriage Helper (www.mymarriagehelper.com)

You might not want to do the NC rule on your husband if you are still together. Just try to salvage things.

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