This is a complete guide for what to do if your ex has moved on.
So if you’re interested in learning,
- About the grass is greener syndrome
- What to do if your ex moves on to someone new
- How understanding attachment styles plays a role in your success
- And much more
Then you definitely came to the right place.
Let’s begin!
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizHas Your Ex Has Moved On? Here’s What To Do
If you ask people what their biggest fear is after a breakup I bet most of them will answer it’s seeing their ex with someone else.
Seeing your ex move on is rough so today we’re going to go through the psychology of what’s going through their head and the next steps for how you can effectively handle this difficult situation.
First off let’s see why your ex might break up with you and move on to someone new…
Have you ever heard of a concept called the grass is greener syndrome?
Grass is greener syndrome – this idea that an ex breaks up with you because they think they can do better than you.
Now the real question is if they can or can’t – is the grass actually greener on the other side of the fence?
Honestly, it can go either way.
Sometimes your ex will go out and find someone new who’s perfect for them.
They’ll move on quite easily and forget about you. However, that rarely happens.
Most of the time your ex will move on to someone else to check out what the grass is like on the other side. They’ll be on the rebound and might even enjoy it for a bit but eventually, they’ll realize they had it better with you.
Before getting into how your ex might come to the realization that he misses you, let’s understand the psychology behind this phenomenon…
What Is The Psychology Behind Someone Who Moves On To Someone New?
The best way to understand the psychology of people after a breakup is to notice their attachment styles.
Someone’s attachment style can tell you a LOT about their mindset and what they might do next.
Quick overview of the four main attachment styles:
- Secure attachment – The golden standard of attachment styles that everyone should strive towards. People with secure attachment styles are confident in themselves and don’t base their self-worth on others.
- Anxious attachment – Anxious attachment is characterized by a deep-seated need to be emotionally connected to someone at all times. People with anxious attachment styles often lose their individuality in relationships as it all becomes about their partner.
- Avoidant attachment – Avoidant attachment is an emotionally distant kind of attachment where individuals are most comfortable without opening up to their partners. People with avoidant attachment styles do not like deep or sentimental discussions and they fiercely value independence – for themselves and their partner as well.
- Fearful attachment – You’ve heard of the “best of both worlds” but a fearful attachment style is kind of like the worst of both worlds – a constant back and forth between anxious and avoidant attachment styles.
For our purposes, the two most relevant attachment styles are avoidant attachment and anxious attachment. This is because most of our clients trying to get their ex back have an anxious attachment style while their exes have an avoidant attachment style.
Avoidant exes, by definition, try to avoidant emotional intimacy and vulnerability as much as possible. Since a breakup is such a difficult emotional time an avoidant ex will likely move on ASAP to distract themselves so they don’t have to feel any kind of pain from the breakup.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizStudying the latest research on Avoidant Attachment styles from freetoattach.com has taught us that:
Avoidants tend not to feel like they can miss you until they feel like you’ve moved on completely.
So there’s really no set time limit for an avoidant ex to miss you, it all depends on their perception of whether you have moved on or not. That’s why they can even start missing you after a few initial rebounds when their suppressed feelings of absent connection finally catch up with them.
Avoidants also tend to look exclusively at the future instead of focusing on the present conflicts they may be facing. They don’t want to deal with their feelings right now so they look to a future where they start dating others and try to move on…
Does Moving On Always Work Out For These Individuals?
Not necessarily.
I wish I had a perfect answer for you here but I don’t because this is all up for debate. All exes have different personalities and their new partners are completely different as well. So just because they’ve moved on doesn’t have to mean you’ve been replaced.
At first, you might see your ex and their new partner having the best time of their lives and you might think that they’ve found someone better than you. However, you need to remember one thing:
Don’t compare their initial honeymoon period to your long relationship with all its ups and downs.
When you move on to a new relationship there is a sense of heightened feeling where everything feels great and you’re super into each other, i.e. the honeymoon period. A lot of our clients make the mistake of thinking too short-term by being jealous of their ex’s honeymoon phase.
The goal is to have a long-term perspective.
On average, the long-term result of the grass is greener syndrome or going on a rebound is that what goes up must inevitably come down. That’s proven to be true in almost all scenarios. So your ex’s heightened feeling with their new person is eventually going to come down and that’s when things start working in your favor…
Avoidants only allow themselves to miss their ex after they’re 100% certain that there’s no chance of getting back together.
Getting into a new relationship cements that concept for them and they finally start to look back and romanticize their past relationship.
The second your ex believes they’ve “moved on”, they’ll start reminiscing about the good times with you and they will start comparing their relationship with you to their new relationship. Sure, at first the honeymoon period will weigh the scales in the favor of the new partner but eventually it will all balance out.
As your ex gears the end of their new honeymoon period, unpleasant things will start to surface which will make them miss your relationship by comparison. Your ex will probably even reach out to you again to see if their comparison is right and whether you were the right choice all along. Now, what can you do to help speed up the process and tip the scales in your favor?
The “Being There” Method
“Being there” method – It’s a period of time where you extend your no contact rule if your ex has moved on to someone else.
You work on yourself during the extended no-contact rule till you reach an ideal secure attachment style. As soon as no contact is up, you insert yourself in the middle of your ex’s new relationship and compete for their time.
Your mere presence as a strong secure attachment will be enough to make that relationship implode.
I talked about the “being there” method a few months ago on a YouTube video, an article, and an entire podcast interview with Coach Anna where we went into detailed specifics about it.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizThe method isn’t too hard to follow but let’s get something out of the way:
The “being there” method can be a morally gray strategy.
Some people look at this as tampering with your ex’s relationship and trying to start trouble, but we prefer not to look at it that way. Instead, we don’t tell you to break them up, we simply tell you to work on yourself, heal and outgrow your ex until you exhibit a more secure attachment style.
This is when you truly believe you’d be fine with or without your ex!
Then you simply talk to your ex. That’s all the “being there” method is. You’re not actively trying to break your ex up, you’re just banking on the fact that when your ex eventually starts to compare the current version of you with the current version of their new partner, you’ll be the clear winner because you’re so secure with yourself.
When you have the fortitude to truly believe that you’ll survive this no matter what, the new person will automatically feel anxious, worried, and insecure so their relationship will implode.
This is where the morally gray aspect of this situation comes into play. I will be the first to admit that the line between just “”being there”” and tampering with the relationship is incredibly thin. So if it’s something you’re not comfortable with, by all means, don’t go for it!
Fortunately or unfortunately, whenever someone asks me about the most effective way to handle the situation of an ex who has moved on, my answer is the “being there” method because it gets the best real-life results.
Ultimately the moral aspect of it is up to you. We do not condone trying to break them up and we definitely don’t support trying to get someone back if they’re already engaged or married! If they’ve moved on to the point of making a life-long commitment, you should definitely respect that.
But if you’re in a situation where your ex is already continually talking to you while they’re in a new relationship we’ve found that the “being there” method is the most effective approach to take.
Conclusion:
Your ex probably moved on immediately because they were an avoidant attachment style with some serious “grass is greener” syndrome, so they believed they could do better than you.
Chances are your ex will eventually start comparing their new partner and relationship to you and what you had together.
The best way to prepare yourself for that is to work on yourself till you reach a secure attachment style. You can then use the “”being there”” method to stay in your ex’s life and let them decide who their best option is.
Kate
February 16, 2022 at 10:56 am
***Hi All, really love this blog- it’s helping me a lot.
I’ve been in a relationship for 6 years. He started an affair 6 months ago and I found out at the start of 2022. Since then he’s moved out.
I’ve started NCR. Do you think I should just move on? Is there any hope?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
February 22, 2022 at 10:01 pm
Hey Kate, it is only you who can decide if it is time to move on or not. I would suggest that while you’re completing your NC that you assess his actions and as yourself if he is the person you want back in your life.
Rose
March 30, 2021 at 3:17 pm
I was using the be there method but I caved and told him one day that I still loved him. Now he says we should not have a lot of interaction. What do I do now?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
March 31, 2021 at 10:51 pm
You need to restart your NC again
Holly
November 9, 2020 at 12:12 pm
Me and my ex split up 3 months ago we were together for nearly three years we have a baby together she’s only six months old within 2 and a half months he’s moved on with someone else yet two weeks before he was telling me how he misses me he now won’t speak to me texts me telling him not to speak to him but waves to me when he sees me
Alexandra Salvagni
August 27, 2020 at 4:46 pm
I’m worried he isn’t coming back this time. We were on and off for a year – he was anxiously attached most of it. I actually ended it the first time because of his neediness. We stayed in constant contact the whole time, even when we weren’t together and we’re going on dates with other people. The last couple weeks of us talking I could tell he was hurting because of how attached he was to me and was trying to become unattached because he felt out of control. So he made me feel insecure which switched the roles finally and turned me Into the needy one. About a week into being the needy one… showed up to his house and lightly begging once, he rejected me and finally blocked my number. I started no contact and broke it after two weeks. Not with begging, just thanking him for being supportive when I was going through something with my family the weeks before. He responded with “you’re welcome! I hope you’re doing well nowadays! :)”. I was shocked that he responded… but I didn’t say anything and went back into no contact. I haven’t spoken to him since. Should I have hope because he responded that way? I’m worried That he’s just being nice…. however the same day he rejected and blocked me, earlier that day he told me he loved me. And a week before that said he missed me. He still wanted me, but as SOON as the roles switched he changed his mind. Thoughts?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
September 10, 2020 at 8:00 pm
Hey Alexandra, keep working the program read as many articles that apply to your situation and help you through the texting and phone call stages. Make sure that you read how the process works too so that you do not skip steps try to skip through the value chain
Alana
June 9, 2020 at 11:08 pm
Hi my ex and I dated for the last 5 months. We were on and off because of his own insecurities. That I told him to move on and leave me alone if he was going to continue to act that way. He told me everyday that he loved me more than anything. Up until the day he asked me to hang out which I declined and told me he loved me. He then went missing and was on social media with another girl 5 hours later and in a relationship. She does not have social media. He stayed with her overnight and was stating how perfect she is etc. I woke up to a text the next day that said “ I never loved you I moved on” who does that. I saw the picture I stated above two days later to which I freaked out about and he said he was blocking me from the phone. I reached out to him via text and he answered but every-time he is mean and tells me to not text him he is blocking me but doesn’t. He tells me he moved on and his gf is great. He hasn’t reached out to me in any aspect but the 3 days after each day saying mean things example leave him alone etc. which I texted back. Last text was this past Friday me reaching out asking him for an item to which he said I will drop it off then said no he threw everything out stop texting to which I said thank you I will order another. That was the last text. Day 4 no contact he has posted since Friday so many photos, places he is going and how happy he his with his new gf. How can this be??? Will he ever come back to me I love him to death..maybe I pushed him away??? Please help it seems like by all the posts of how happy he is and him saying leave him alone he hates me but doesn’t block me on his phone but did from Facebook but we were never friends because he was insecure unless he is with her. Help!
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
June 16, 2020 at 11:47 pm
Hey Alana, if you want him back then you need to be following the program. Your No Contact needs to be a solid 30 days and that includes not trying to check his social media, working on your Holy Trinity and being Ungettable. If you have mutual friends then make sure you are using social media to show how well you are doing with out your ex right now.
Patience
June 2, 2020 at 3:36 pm
I broke up with my boyfriend because we both grew apart. I then went into no contact, (I don’t know if it was the right thing I did) for three months. Suddenly, he contacted me via text not neccessarily telling me that he misses me or that he wants me back. He later text me that he will like us to talk which I obliged because I still love him and wanted us to settle. Suddenly after some days of showing interest, he just went cold. He doesn’t come around or call me any more and when I tried couple of times to meeting up with him to talk, he kept wavering it away. Does it mean he has moved on? Did I in any way sabotage my chances of getting him back? Should I give up or keep waiting?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
June 3, 2020 at 11:12 pm
Hi P if you want to get your ex back then you are going to have to start with a No Contact, however I can not tell you if you should give up or not that has to be your decision where you decide what is best for yourself.
lara
May 27, 2020 at 4:01 pm
me and my ex bf were together for 8 months
it has been more than 1.5 months from our break up. we had a nice relationship until the last two months before the bu when ig he started taking me for granted.i also think gigs had a role to play in it. we had a normal fight and he called off the bu.after around 10 days i accidently logged into his acc only to find out that he had been sexting and video calling many girls. it was great broken for me.i now wonder if he cheated on me or was it only after the bu. but thinking that he could do all these days after bu made me question his loyalty. immediately after the bu i applied the no contact. after around two weeks he texted me with a vague question …i didn’t reply much.. he started texting me often and replying to my stories..i hardly responded…i also confronted him about the sexting and had an argument to which he told he did only after bu… after around a week post that thing he texted me telling he still loves me and that he rrally misses me and the time we were together… we talked for around two days where i pretended to kind of move onn but timely made him remeber the old things… but i got scared of it was only breadcrumbs(he also flirted a bit and told missed that time often) and that i don’t want to become a cushion for my ex to move on so i told him i need time and that i will get back to him…. he told ok but he didn’t stop texting…with one or the other vague reasons he came up…i then lost my calm and asked him why was he texting me so much lately.. he then told to keep in touch and frndship….i rejected it… after that around two days after that thing he texted me telling about a guy who commented on my pic that his company isn’t good and that he isn’t a good guy…i didn’t even knew that guy..i then lashed at him telling that he broke cheated stabbed my heart and all.. he then lashed a bit too… that day evening he again replied to my story i didn’t reply cuz his words hurt me…. after a day he again texted and i replied in two words and after that seenzoned….after a week i thought of reaching him out as i did not talk to him for a month or so (no contact)…i texted him a hi… then he was like i told him not to talk to me and then what did i want now..i then kind of apologized for i accused him of cheating (which i still don’t know if he did but everytime he told he didn’t) and that i wanted to keep in touch as frnds.. he then told her told it’s over and that i mind my own business…i calmly accepted it… it has been 3 days since that thing and he is online the whole day night long…ig he is talking to other girls and moving on (tho i didn’t get anything in public but he might keep it a secret from me or just started to meet new girls and move on)… I’m scared that he will move on… what should i do now!?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
June 7, 2020 at 11:29 am
Hey Lara, so you need to complete a full No Contact where you do not reach out or reply to him or look at any of his social media posts, from the day you had the last conversation. A No Contact period needs to be focused on you not him where you are working on yourself to be the best version of yourself. Read about the Holy Trinity and The Ungettable Girl. This is important part of getting your ex to regret his decisions. I would say that he is giving attention to other girls and he at minimal emotionally cheated on you so I would take that into consideration before you get back with him.
Elizabeth B
May 2, 2020 at 2:22 am
My boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me a month and a half ago. He has made no attempt to move out. However, he constantly goes out and stays out late or all night. I recently found out he’s been seeing another girl. Basically, he’ll go to this girls house in the middle of the night, “hang out”, and then come home to me. When I found out about her he cried and said he’s having a hard time with this breakup and she’s the only thing making him feel okay again. He told me that he felt bad and broke it off with her, but I recently found out that was again a lie. I kicked him out of our apartment and I’m attempting the no contact rule. However, since then he’s blocked me and I’m pretty sure it’s because he’s finally free to be with her and interact with her online. During that month and a half he was still living here we were still sleeping together and he continually told me he loved me and cared about me more than anything. Is there hope? How am I supposed to get through this when good things are happening to him when I feel like I’m dying?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
May 7, 2020 at 11:29 pm
Hi Elizabeth, so the fact that he needs someone else to distract him from his emotions shows that he still cares about you and is struggling with the break up so it is so important that you follow a Limited no contact where you only speak to him when you MUST speak to him. Regarding the shared house, bills or responsibilities you have together. Then you work on your Holy Trinity, your limited no contact needs to be for 45 days as he is sort of involved with this other woman, then you start following the being there method, there are videso and articles about this for you to understand how to implement it.
twyla
April 13, 2020 at 1:54 am
my ex and I were together for 7 years when he suddenly texted me saying he didnt love me anymore. That was 5 months ago. I moved out a month later and than we started hanging out and sleeping together and through all this I was doing everything for him from cleaning his house, getting his groceries and being there for him whenever he needed. He always told me he didn’t want to get back together and I knew he was working on another girl. throughout all of this I’ve been on an emotional coaster. We have fought more than we ever have before and I’ve been extremely cruel at times. A week ago we slept together again but after words he messaged me saying it couldn’t happen anymore because it always makes him feel guilty because he will never have feelings for me again. I blew up and we got into another fight that ended up with me being cruel to him and about his new girl. He still answers right away when I message which I only do when it involves our son. But him and this other girl have now been snap chatting all day long, looking at houses to buy as well as other things and he even bought her kids easter gifts. Have I lost him forever because of my craziness?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
April 22, 2020 at 12:18 am
Hi Twyla, there is still a chance of getting him back but it goes against your natural instincts, you need to make him feel that you are done, following a Limited no contact where you only speak if he asks about your child when he is with you. Otherwise 45 days NC and then you need to start the being there method. But the most important thing is that you do not take care of him, do not show him love and you do not sleep with him while broken up
Tina
April 9, 2020 at 10:56 am
My ex and I who had a very on-off relationship for 8 years broke up a couple of years ago. He recently came back into my life for a couple of months but we have since had an argument and he now informs me that he is seeing someone new and sees no future with me. Not sure if too much time has passed between us to rectify this relationship although I’d like to try?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
April 9, 2020 at 9:46 pm
Hi Tina, I would look into the being there method, and work on your Holy Trinity for some time before reaching out. 45 days Nc is recommended from when you last spoke
Kris
March 1, 2020 at 5:44 pm
My ex and I broke up 2 years ago, but have remained FWB. He has told me several times how we are soulmates and he loves me. 1 month ago I discovered he had a date. Last night he changed his Facebook status. He never did that when we were together. Do I still have a chance? Is it a rebound?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
March 2, 2020 at 10:36 pm
Hi Kris, so by the sounds of things he is getting into a relationship with this new person. I am assuming you have stopped being friends with benefits if he is moving forward with this new person? If that is the case you need to go into a no contact and start dating casually in the mean time. You can read about the being there method and apply that if he is getting into a relationship with the date
Farah
February 27, 2020 at 4:18 am
Hi, me and my ex were together for 18 months. We were inseparable, we loved each other down to earth. When he had to go for national service in the army, things went downhill. He told me that he was having mixed feelings as we don’t meet as often. A few weeks later, his grandfather passed away and I was really worried about him. I kept texting and calling him, no answers. Then suddenly he told me he had enough of it and broke up with me. I didn’t texted him or called him for two weeks then suddenly he called me, asking me questions like how are you, what are you doing, are you talking to other guys, etc. I was so confused then after the call he said that he checked on me to see i was okay and he could be my friend. I accepted it so i texted him now and then. Afterwards he kept cold replying me, so i asked him, is it weird that i’m talking to him. He said yes. Then he got all angry saying that he broke up with me because he was really mad. Then I told him that I wasn’t there to argue or anything and stuff. He went to cool down and then replied me saying thank you for taking care of me and I never replied. Now it’s more than a month since our breakup, i know that he is talking to another girl but he wouldn’t admit it. I still love and care for him but he told me that he is 80% over me. It feels like my relationship with him was nothing. We did all sorts of things together and I cannot believe that he has moved on from me so quickly. Has he really moved on from me or is he confused?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
February 28, 2020 at 9:50 pm
Hi Farah so I think what you missed is he called you up when he was missing you, asked about you talking to other guys – which I assume you said no to. You gave him that fix form missing you and questioning if you were doing better than he was with the break up. You need to go into a full No Contact and ignore him for 30 days minimum, you need to make him fear he is losing you and also fear that you are moving on with someone new.
Cindy
January 28, 2020 at 6:28 am
Hi me and my boyfriend dated for 9 months had a thing for like a year. We would hangout every single day and spent the whole summer together. It was perfect and he made me believe and I truly did believe he’s the guy I’ve most loved and I’m the girl he’s most loved. We had a really good relationship but his mom never liked me. She would always try things to separate us and would constantly fight with him for being with me. And that caused fights between me and him. But than we broke up. And a week after we broke up he is already with someone else. And they post together and he goes out with her all the time. We had a conversation about her and he told me they were only a thing and he didn’t want anything serious with her. But his mom loves this girl and he seems really happy with her. Me and him aren’t on talking terms and we don’t talk. But I constantly have to see him with this girl.
Jane
December 11, 2019 at 11:17 pm
Hey Chris! Just looking for guidance
My boyfriend and I dated for a year. We were talking marriage and moving in together. Well about 6 weeks ago he broke up with me. I did 30 days complete no contact after the breakup. Around the 30 day mark he texted me my perfume smell was torturing him. Then a couple days later sent me a I miss you text. So I regrettably responded. Asked him what he missed about me. Well he said he was sorry that was a poor choice of words on his behalf and he actually had found the love of his life a few weeks prior and God had perfectly orchestrated her into his life and we can never talk again out of respect to her. We haven’t talked in two weeks. Should I reach out again? Or let it go?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 15, 2019 at 6:52 pm
Jane, he is awful! He sends you two messages that are going to trigger you into replying to him just so that he could then throw in your face that he had met someone else! Assuming you did not reply to his message – you can do a 21 day No Contact and then reach out and start doing the being there method (you can read about this on this website) and if you did reply and got angry with him then you need to do a 45 days No Contact where you work on your emotional control and make sure you are at your best self before reaching out to him and start doing the being there method!
Cysterina
November 26, 2019 at 3:11 am
Hello, my boyfriend and I officially broke up on the 1st of November. Like, that is when we stopped trying to fix things. He had said that day that he cannot ever imagine himself with anyone else and doesn’t want to date for at least 6 months. But he’s been seen hanging out with a new girl, he likes everything she posts and they apparently talk late night. He’s doing the same things he did with me when we got together. I even heard that he had her lined up even before he broke up with me. I started no contact from the 18th of November and I also ended up blocking him everywhere because I had become quite obsessed with the two of them. He doesn’t seem to care about any of this. Do I have any chance of making him at least realize that he has hurt me?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
November 30, 2019 at 11:40 pm
Hi Cysterina, so it is hard to deal with that but if you want him to notice you, then you are going to have to do some work which Chris calls becoming Ungettable, there is plenty of information about it on this website and on Chris’ Youtube channel. Unblocking him is also something you need to do later down the road when you are less worried about the other girl and what they are both doing. You need to remind yourself, you are the best hes going to get anything else is just second best. THAT is the mindset you need to have so that when he sees how amazing you are and how happy you are on the outside looking in he is going to start comparing you to this new girl and hes going to regret leaving you
Sparkles:)
October 13, 2019 at 9:50 pm
Hi there!
The BTM has worked wonders in that we hang out regularly, he flirts, we’ve kissed twice and he initiated conversation with me every day almost!
The BTM has also driven me into a position where we’re in a weird friend zone that dances over its boundaries. For example, when we have kissed he speaks the following day then needs a week before being able to talk to me.
He is someone you have to tread caredully with because hes as good at hooking me in when he wants as i am. Tbh we are now at the point where I have been in this process for 15 mths after a two year rweationsrelationship and his current relationship with o.w is now almost as long as our relationship was (at times he would get guilty with his connection with me and go over the top with her in response – like booking a holiday etc).
His motivation of guilt and his stubbornness not to admit he should have let me go is making his relationship with o.w last beyond the realms of rebound (but he does not commit to her e.g. move in etc). What can i do?!
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
October 15, 2019 at 8:20 pm
Hey Sparkles so you need to start friendzoning / flirting with him more. The guilt hes feeling is because its working, and in the end it will drive a wedge between them as long as you make sure your exes new gf knows about your presence
Angela
October 1, 2019 at 3:46 pm
Hi
I was dating my BF for 4months! He then broke up with me. It looked like he was confused. I have him his space, asked him only once if he really doesn’t want to continue. Deleted him off Facebook and did no contact for 45 days! Then msgd him that a show reminded me of him! And he said ok- and that he hopes I’m doing ok! That felt so cold so when I asked him not to be so cold he said he’s moved on and I should too.
M.S.
July 30, 2019 at 2:45 am
Hi,
My ex and I dated for 4 years and broke up after 2 of living together. There were some issues, but nothing that hurt the other or was not fixable. A lot of our troubles stemmed from work situations that caused one of us to become depressed at home, resulting in arguments and misplaced emotions.
About immediately after breaking up, he and his ex before me began talking and now seem to be seeing each other (he has not told me this, but I know they are somewhat involved and talk via text). They dated for a little under 2 years prior to his dating me. Is this a rebound on his part? There are signs (according to your site) that lead me to believe he still loves me, and he brings up our past relationship at times. But at times he hot and cold. I couldnt implement strict no contact, since we still needed to be in contact about our shared apartment; however, I did not reach out to him in our time apart. He was always reaching out, and not about his things he left behind.
I need a little help understanding the situation- is he rebounding with his ex? Is NC applicable in this situation now that we’re no longer on the same lease? Etc.
Sophie
July 17, 2019 at 3:32 pm
Hi
My ex and I were together for a year and then he dumped me out of blue….our differences were religious beliefs…anyhow I stopped talking to him then three months later…we meet up as he was dying to and we started being intimate again. Now I was in friends with benefits with him even though I wanted him back. The thing with him is he had a history with lots of girl moving from one to another and to other easily but it all shifted when he was with me. So when we got into FWB…I have seen him give me cold signs sometimes and sometimes he is just drooling all over me. Now I have ended the FWB thing too…and now he wants to stay friends, he calls me up and asks advices or tells me something but he manages a 5 minute call but when I ask commitment or relationship he backs away. Also , he is talking to girls plenty of beautiful girls who I can never compare myself ever to. Please help me I do want the man who loved me so dearly back with me.
Patience and Prudence
January 11, 2019 at 12:24 am
Hi Chris!
I first found your website a few years ago, in 2015. I had just broken up with a guy who I’ve been in a friends with benefits situation for a while (from 2012 to 2015, on and off). We’ve been good friends since college and were always attracted to each other, but that situation used to hurt me a lot. He never committed to me. Then one day I found out he was dating someone from his work and it got official pretty fast. That really broke my heart and I found EBR.
I went no contact for 30 days, then started texting him, we eventually met for a coffee… it was nice for a while. But I was still heartbroken and he was still with the new girl. I found out she was taking care of his cat, cause he lived in a tiny apartment and they got very close. Few months later I blocked him in social media (it was hard for me to see their pictures on instagram) and tried to move on.
I guess I did. I dated other guys, flirted a lot, nothing serious though. I focused on my career, finished my dissertation, studied abroad. He tried to contact me a few times over the years, said he missed me, asked me to hang out and have coffee, I agreed but never really met him. I didn’t want to.
Three months ago we had elections in our country, it was really dramatic and I started texting him. We have similar political views and I like to send funny memes to my friends to cheer them (and myself) up. We lost the elections but he seemed very happy I contacted him and we had nice text conversations. At some point he sent me a spotify link to that really romantic song by Leonard Cohen.
In November I was invited to give a lecture about my master’s research and I sent him the flyer, but I never thought he would show up. Well he did. He’s also in the academic field and always encouraged me to pursuit a master’s degree, plus, he loves my research theme about culture in my family country (Japan). During my whole presentation he seemed happy to be there and told me really nice things about it later. I guess it moved me. Three months ago I would never consider having him back. He wanted to hang out after my lecture, but I had plans that night.
We met again a few weeks ago for lunch. It was a friendly date, but he kept touching my arms and looking into my eyes like he used to.
We have been texting and phone calling consistently since the date. He gave me the impression that he’s not with that girl anymore. He called me when he was frustrated about not getting a doctorate scholarship, he sent me pictures of his students graduation party, he sent me pictures of his new apartment. But then I found out. He is still dating that girl and it looks like she’s moving in. He doesn’t know I know.
I’m really frustrated right now. I know I can move on again and have a happy life, but then I think about him smiling affectionately during my lecture… I do have other guys that I flirt with, but they don’t really care about the things I do and love.
About the other girl… she doesn’t seem to like the same things he does, like obscure post-punk bands, she seems very nice and tender, but not really an UG.
By the way, he texts me in really weird hours like 6 in the morning and after midnight. He also calls me from his apartment and we talk for 40 minutes. I wonder if she’s there in the house.
He wants to hang out again and I’m really afraid he tells me about her. I don’t know how to react if he does. I guess I’ll try to be prepared, since I already know about it. I’ll try not to get into an argument. I don’t blame him anyway, I was the one who contacted him when he was minding his own business and planning to move with her. I guess he’s trying to deal with this too… I think I’ll try the Being there method before giving up. It feels like I’m gonna have a very difficult road ahead.
Please, I would love to hear what you think about my situation.
Chris Seiter
January 11, 2019 at 12:32 am
Welcome back…I encourage you to dive back into the site as a lot has changed. I have much more content, GREAT eBooks that can help you immensely, videos, podcasts…just lots of resources. So tap into all of that. Start with my home page and check out the tools and resources!