6,800 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”

1. 

   Jada

   October 10, 2016 at 3:23 am

   me and my ex broke up over a month ago and when we did i wanted to cut him off so i can heal but he basically said why would throw away a good friendship over a 2 month relationship. he pretty much begged so i gave in. he still does some things as if we’re still together but now i want to be able to get over him if he’s not willing to see if we could have a future together and give us a try. my question is do i let him know im cutting him off or should i just do it?

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   October 11, 2016 at 10:07 am

   Hi Jada,

   just do it..

2. 

   Sulekha

   October 10, 2016 at 2:35 am

   I was doing the No Contact rule and was two weeks into it and it was going well. He texted saying ” Hey you seem rather busy in life or you have stopped texting. Either way it’s good for you as long as you’re doing something useful with it. Just wanted to know how your exams went and also in general how your life is because we haven’t spoken in a while”. I responded saying I’m busy with lots of things going on. And he texted back and I texted back. So basically, I broke the no contact rule. I understand that I’ve to start again. But do you think it’s going to be as effective again. I was so happy that it was woring this time and he texted. But if I start again, don’t you think he’ll take it as a sign that I really don’t want to talk to him ever or that I’m being hot and cold towards him and he’ll just stop trying?

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   October 11, 2016 at 10:06 am

   Hi Sulekha,

   the more you do the no contact rule, the less the chances.. so, if you are going to do another one, stick to it.

3. 

   Jaime

   October 10, 2016 at 12:35 am

   Hi there. My ex and I broke up about a month ago. Ive changed my perspective on relationships and been focussing on me and I feel amazing. Do I still want him? Absolutely. Do all his friends miss me? Yes. I have been doing 30 days od no contact and went away for a while. Around day 18 he said hey and asked why I had left. I waited 4 days to answer and kept it vague. Giving no info. Didnt tell him I was here for work just where I left to. He asked when I was coming back and I didnt give him a date. I said a few weeks. And left it at that. Always waiting hours to respond. A few days later tho it was my birthday. He wished me a happy birthday and all i said was thanks. But he asked me when I was coming back exactly because he thought of a birthday present he wanted to get me. I found this very strange. We dated for years and only the 1st year be was excited about gettinh me something and after that he dreaded it. Also weird because when we broke up…..we have alot of mutual friends…he said when they hangout he will get someone else to text and invite me…like he wantes nothing to do with me. So his actions and worda dont add up. Ive been ignoring it all because I dont want him to have control over my emotions. I guess my question is….in a week or so… our mutual friends are inviting me to an outing/event. He will be there. My 30 days will be over then. Is it a good idea to go? Or should I take the steps I have seen on this site about texting then meeting up. If I do go…should I avoid him…not full out…but be nice then just not instigate anything. I am having issues determining whats best.

1. 

   Jaime

   October 12, 2016 at 7:03 pm

   The outing is just a few hours. Is it a problem that I broke no contact? Should I start over? I dont see the point since I feel better and he obviously misses some part of me. Which seems like the point of NC. The only bad side of it makes it seem like he can be friendly with me and i will get friend zoned. Thats why I dont respond to the messages he sends now all the time.

2. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   October 13, 2016 at 11:23 am

   Ok.. let’s just say you only did a 21 day contact period.. and that don’t have to do another one.. But keep improving yourself, and don’t respond for now.. start building rapport after the outing.. be friendly during the outing but don’t over do it..

3. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   October 11, 2016 at 9:59 am

   Hi Jaime,

   actually you already broke the no contact rule at day 22. That means you are going to restart the count, but honestly, if you are going to the outing, I don’t think you’ll be able to keep it.

   How long is the outing?

4. 

   Aria

   October 9, 2016 at 7:41 am

   Hi,

   My boyfriend of almost 1 year and I have had some issues the last month. I finally decided to bring it up with him last week to talk and all he did was listen. He said nothing, i thought i was going crazy. I really wanted him to meet my parents and he didnt want to.. He then started being distant. Yesterday, we saw each other and i brought it up with him again, he said he couldnt give me the kind of relationship i wanted. He wasnt ready, and he feels like he has lost feelings for me the last few weeks. I feel like that was cause by me laying into him for not wanting to meet my parents the last month. I asked him if what he was saying is that he is breaking up with me, and he said he wasnt sure what he wanted. I left his place really confused, I wasnt sure if we were broken up or not because i couldnt bring myself to ask, but he gave me a really nice kiss goodbye and told me he would see me on Thursday as we’ve got plans to see a movie that night. I didnt think that it wouldnt mean we wouldnt talk, but he has not contact me since then. Its been a day and half. Do i keep going with NC ? Do i initiate communication if i dont hear from him by Thursday or just keep going and skip our plans ?

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   October 10, 2016 at 10:21 pm

   Hi Aria,

   I don’t think you’re broken up because he still mentioned the move night.. but I’m just wondering, if he doesn’t really want to meet your parents yet, what’s your decision?

5. 

   Lee

   October 7, 2016 at 3:45 pm

   4 year relationship…talked about a future(started by him, but became mutual, then just me), but now, just going through the motions. Off and on, with the breakups usually initiated by me due to frustration with no romance and/or effort. He is an overall good guy, older, no issues with cheating…he’s just too content. All previous NCs were broken by the 4th day. Latest breakup I am sticking to my guns…7th day of no contact. He texts and calls every other day to say hello or good morning/night. Today(Day 7), he emailed me to get his things(a cooking pot and headphones) and wants to bring a carjack to my house for my brother to pick up. I have not replied and don’t plan to. This is hard. My goal is to move forward with a commitment to marry. Does NC sometimes provoke those thoughts in long-term relationships?

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   October 10, 2016 at 11:17 am

   Hi Lee,

   sorry, I just have to make it clear.. You broke up with him because he doesn’t seem interested anymore and he doesn’t want to get married?

6. 

   Heartbroken

   October 6, 2016 at 5:07 pm

   I’m hoping you can help me. I have been in a relationship with a man for about 18 months. We would fight off and on, but I truly loved him and loved being with him. About 2 months ago, pretty much August 1, he completely pulled away from me. He stopped texting as much, stopped calling, stopped liking anything on FB, etc. For most of the month I kept asking what was going on, and he kept saying I was crazy.

   Fast forward to September, and he then said he didn’t want to text or call that much. We still saw each other about once a week, but he would get annoyed if I called him at work, or if I texted him. I guess in hindsight, I should have seen this coming.

   I confronted him the other night, because I noticed there was another woman he was pursuing on FB…meaning liking and commenting on all her posts, etc., and it was someone he just met. Meanwhile, I was getting nothing from him anymore. I asked if there was another woman. We were in a restaurant, and he stormed out, calling me crazy and telling me to delete his number, as he was going to block mine.

   I know I am not crazy, and when I confronted him on something he lied to me about, he wouldn’t even address it. after a series of texts later that night, he admitted he did pull away from the relationship, and that it was all him, not me, etc etc, and said we could be friends, and I said that wasn’t possible for me, at least not now, and I needed time to heal.

   So, I am committed to not contacting him, because he has really messed with my mind these last two months. However, will this no contact work for me? I would love the old man back, not the man he has been for two months. Is that even possible? It’s only been 2 days NC so far…

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   October 9, 2016 at 1:55 pm

   Hi Heartbroken,

   it’s no guarantee that it will work but it would be better to do it than to keep chasing him

7. 

   Sophia

   October 6, 2016 at 5:52 am

   My ex and I dated for about 2 years. Things were good but his mother got in the way alot and I feel it’s because of her he drifted apart. He never actually broke up just little by little started drifting away. After a year off on and on communication. I jave delted him from soxial media regretted requested and he accepted. We finally saw each other in person for 15 min. He basically said he loved me once but it’s like not there anymore but he couldn’t look at me when he was saying this. And he was neevous i asked amd he said yes. Then he said its better this way he wont get hurt and i wont get hurt. Due to our jobs is where the distance was but a year ago we have set a date for marriage and everything then all of this happen. Will I returned his stuff back and I let him know I love him and that will never change and will he wanted to be friends and he promised he would communicate more with me like when we was friends in the beginning and I told him I call bs but we will see and agreed. Will ever since then he is always seeing what I post (ex Snap). I only contacted him about a friend trying to reach him he responded I ignored it .I posted on fb about church and anger and pain I’ve been having then he messages me if I am okay. What do you think I should do? I did tell him I don’t know why he is afraid of hurting or getting nervous if he doesn’t love me any more. I honestly believe the love is there and he doesn’t want to admit because of conflict his mother and I had but I said I would handle it very differently now kowing that he’s mother was purposely pushing my buttons so him and I caneed argue

1. 

   Sophia

   October 9, 2016 at 5:36 am

   We both 22. And I haven’t quiet started the most contact rule. After I told him I didn’t want to his sympathy friendship I assumed he would take reply anymore but he texted me a few days later sending me a song and when I ask why is he sending me this he says just random and he promised he wasn’t going to ignore. (I just thought to myself he hasn’t ignored me since I really haven’t messaged him) so if he messaged it’s very short phrases like good. Ok. Be safe. That awsome. Ect. And he knows that is not me at all to send simple one worded messages.

2. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   October 10, 2016 at 10:08 pm

   Ok but you have to start the no contact rule now.. if it’s really because of his mom, well he’s old enough to make his own decision, the best you can do is to let him do it.. the only way you can influence it be being best your best self.. because in that way you won’t appear forcing him and at the same time, you’re giving him more reason to fight for you and not see anything that his mom is telling him about you or about your relationship

3. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   October 8, 2016 at 6:05 pm

   Hi Sophia,

   how old are both? So, I’m going to assume you’re already in no contact period, you can still give his things but only talk about his things. Do not talk about your feelings nor the relationship.

8. 

   Ashley

   October 5, 2016 at 4:13 pm

   I have been dating a guy for almost 4 months now. We met while i was on my internship everything was going great. He would tell me that sometimes it felt like i didnt care about him at all or didnt show my affection 100%. I had to tell him to stop doubting me like that because it was nothing to that sort i asked him to have patience with me while i tried to be as transparent and open as possible with him. he made that same complaint 2 more times and with each complaint i tried to show him more and more that i really cared for him. I began to open up to him much more telling him about my ex and we both agreed that after this day we wouldnt talk about our ex’s. In a nuttshell i was trying to open his eyes to the fact that i really want to be with him 100% but it will take time. During my internship things were really going great he would want to buy things for me but sometimes i refused it and i gathered he didnt like me doing that. 2 weeks before my internship was over we went on our first date it was really fun we felt the chemistry between the both of us really strong. We decided that we wanted to go for a second date so we planned it. The weekend after completely finishing my internship i decided to go out, i danced with another guy and smoked two things that he had asked me not to do. I apologised profusely and realised that i had made a mistake. He wasnt happy about it and dealt with it poorly. the day before we were suppose to go on our second date he went out with friends to a bar and then to the beach with more drinking and then to a party in the night where he got drunk. After doing all of that he called me in the morning to tell me he still cared and that hes sorry. In the afternoon he told me about waking up beside his female friend who i guess was trying to seduce him so he got up right away and went on the couch and called me which still didnt make me happy at all. He said nothing happened but i wasnt sure what to believe. After that incident everything started to go on a downward spiral. We agreed on another day to go on the date but he had an emergency so we had to reschedule. With those probelms still not being resolved things started to get tense and i started to worry. The day came for the rescheduled date but i was hurt because he forgot about our date and decided that he wanted to break up. We texted back and forth and then we both decided to clear our heads i called him two days after and he admitted he missed me. Bare in mind we still havnt resolved or fixed our issues. he started to talk to me about a trip to miami and he wanted to come i agreed. Out of no where he started to feel like it was hard to have a girlfriend especially him being an entrepreneur. We had a talk and he said if i could wait on him until Nov.15 with no expectations but i still would get morning and goodnight texts…. I asked him to accompany me to therapy and he really wanted to he stated that he was excited to see me but i had to cancel to the other weekend. To my surprise he couldnt make it and made things a bit intense for me. He basically expressed that he feels we will seperate but i didnt want that. Well things were going great again and then he started to speak to me in a cold manner i spoke to him about it he improved and then went right back to it we texted and called each other and spoke about us basically this morning he told me he doesnt want to see me but if i made a promise he will fullfill it and i am a distraction to him and alot of things that hurt. he also said that he wants me to be happy and im a nice person and things along that line. We were suppose to meet up to talk later today but after that phone call this morning i realise that i may have been pushing it. I basically sent him a text telling him that i dont want to be a distraction to him and that i will respect his wishes to wait until Nov.15 with the knowlege of knowing things may or may not work out. The one thing that stood out though was that he never disrespected me shout at ma nothing to that sort. He told me thanks and that he appreciates what i am doing. Should i reply to that message??? Do you think i did the right thing by cancelling the sit down tonight??? what should I do??? is a NC too late now i mean does it even make any sense to consider the NC???….

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   October 7, 2016 at 2:53 pm

   Hi Ashley,

   well other than doing the no contact rule, do you have any other plan in mind? Except from moving on of course..

9. 

   Aparna

   October 5, 2016 at 5:05 am

   Hey,
   I’m currently on my 9th day of NC .I had lost all hopes .But all of a sudden yesterday I got a text from him saying “hey”.I was shocked!! What should I do.should I reply to him?Back then I had actually begged him not to end this relationship, but he did.

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   October 7, 2016 at 12:45 pm

   nope dont.. stay focused in improving yourself

10. 

    Carolin

    October 4, 2016 at 4:27 pm

    Hi my ex broke up with me only a couple of days ago we had a lot of communication problems due to his aspergers, i sent him a message to say i agree with his decision and maybe one day we could be friends. He now keeps calling and txting, just asking if i’m ok or asking specialist questions about stuff he knows i know about? i could really do with some healing space its hard when he keeps popping up.

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   October 6, 2016 at 8:48 pm

   HI Carolin,

   You can tell him, you appreciate him checking up on you, but you hope he understands that you need space to heal..

11. 

    Cheye

    October 4, 2016 at 1:55 am

    What if my ex knows I’m doing a no contact period. Does that affect the outcome?

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   October 6, 2016 at 10:42 am

   Hi Cheye,

   what do you mean? as in he knows the no contact rule or you told him you wont be contacting him for a month?

12. 

    Angela

    October 4, 2016 at 1:53 am

    I accidentally call my ex and am currently on the nc. My ex call back twice and text me this I miss ya…I hope your OK… Did I mess up

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   October 6, 2016 at 10:30 am

   Hi angela,

   since you didnt answer, you didnt break the no contact rule 🙂

13. 

    Katrina

    October 3, 2016 at 12:37 am

    Does the NC rule still apply if he has a new girlfriend? Won’t he just enjoy the time that they’re spending together and never think about me again?

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   October 5, 2016 at 7:28 pm

   Hi Katrina,

   Do not sleep with him again. I don’t think she’s a rebound, I think she’s a grass is greener case. You will know more about that in the article I will link below. And maybe you can decide if you still want to do the no contact rule after reading that. But I do suggest that you still do the no contact rule.
   The Grass is Greener Syndrome For Ex Boyfriends

14. 

    Lea

    October 2, 2016 at 9:44 pm

    Hi, my Ex dumped me this past Thursday. So before we broke up, I signed us up for an AcroYoga class series. It’s a partnership activity, literally cannot do it by yourself. Anyway, the class is amazing and you actually switch partners in class so I don’t need him to go. Next week, is the last class and I’d like to be there since I missed this past week. I’m not sure if he’s gonna go or not. I’d like to do the NC rule, but what if he’s there? What should I do since it’s still so new? Thanks!

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   October 5, 2016 at 6:53 pm

   Hi Lea,
   I think it would be better if you just start the no contact rule after the yoga class.

15. 

    Amy

    October 2, 2016 at 9:39 pm

    Can you guys do a post on guys starting the no contact? I think my ex is doing the no contact rule for a month. He texted me the day after he broke up with me that he will call me in a month to see how we feel toward each other. I don’t know what to do.

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   October 5, 2016 at 6:48 pm

   Hi Amy,

   If he’s doing our no contact rule, then that means he wants to get back with you. But if he’s just deciding to not contact you for a month, then the best you can do is do your own no contact rule and start improving yourself. Be active in social media while you are improving yourself and do new things. Don’t just stop contacting him and dont just wait for him to initiate contact.

16. 

    Anon

    October 2, 2016 at 7:03 pm

    I had a heated conversation with my ex a month ago. It was an on and off relationship (for over 4 years) and I finally told him I still had feelings for him. His words were “I don’t love you, I’ve never loved you, and I’ll never be in love with you.” For context he told me a year ago that he wanted to build a life with me.
    I started NC immediately but told him I didn’t want to be touch, which I realize is a huge nono. Since then he’s liked a couple pictures on Facebook but nothing special. I feel like I want to do a longer NC than just 45 days, because I want to feel really like I have moved on before reconnecting. What are your thoughts?

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   October 5, 2016 at 5:17 pm

   Hi Anon,

   I agree with your idea because you’re an on-and-off relationship. So when did you last really break up?

17. 

    Markie

    October 2, 2016 at 6:21 pm

    Please help me; I’m so confused on what to do & I don’t even know if my situation can be salvaged at this point. My ex & I only dated for 3 months & we were on again/off again the entire time. The last time we broke up I tried implementing the no contact rule. I read on the article about on again/off again relationships that you should extend the nc rule to 45-60 days because of the nature of the relationship. When we broke up he said it was because he was too busy for a relationship, but we work together & all I ever hear about is how much he’s been going out with two other coworkers, one is a girl & I don’t know for sure but I have a feeling that they may be hooking up. On the 21st day of no contact he stopped me at work & asked me if we were ever going to talk again; I was really caught off guard so I said yes because I do want to be with him. I felt right then that no contact had already been broken since I had been good about ignoring him even though we work together. Anyway on day 30 I was so fed up with hearing about his very active social life that I confronted him & basically started an argument with him. He was very calm & told me that I had a right to be angry & that he didn’t think it was fair for me to have to deal with our breakup while always hearing about what he does outside of work. He said that the girl was just his friend but he spoke fondly of her, said that she didn’t judge him & that he could be silly around her & vent to her…which I totally take as a sign that he’s interested in her but maybe I’m just being paranoid? I don’t know. Anyway, the argument ended with him saying that he never knows what to say to me because I always fight him. This was all through text & then the next day at work without ever discussing the argument we were forced to work right next to each other. We started talking & even joking with each other. But he was off before me & when he left he didn’t say goodbye & I spent the rest of my shift wondering what it had all meant. Like, why was he so nice to me after that argument & even during the argument? Is it because he’s moved on & I have no chance of getting him back? Also, should I start no contact all over again? Aside from him stopping me at work I made it 30 days even though my plan was to do 45, but has the no contact rule been ineffective because our first conversation after it was an argument? Like, I said I’m really confused. Please help me.

1. 

   Markie

   October 5, 2016 at 5:20 pm

   Oh, ok. I guess it was a mistake to send the text about the book. Thank you for the advice.

2. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   October 5, 2016 at 4:25 pm

   Hi Markie,

   I think he just talked to you because it was awkward ignoring each other, and yes, arguing with him was not right the move.. because it just reminded him of why he broke up with you.. I think you have to let go of trying to get the previous relationship back.. if you really want a chance, let go of the past relationship.. he has moved on.. so if he still sees you havent, he’ll probably just keep being distant..take it as a restart.. start as friends

3. 

   Markie

   October 5, 2016 at 4:05 pm

   Also, 3 days after we interacted positively at work I sent him a text making a joke about the book I’m reading, mostly to see if he’d respond, if we could have another positive conversation but he never replied.

18. 

    Karin

    October 2, 2016 at 7:39 am

    Hi all,
    I need some help. My partner of 4 years split with me a little over three weeks ago and has moved out of our house within 5 days of his decision. I have been respectful of his wanting out with only knowing he fell out of love with me about six moths ago and he feels I can find a man who can talk to me because he can’t – his big issue is being poor at communicating his feels and wants. But when he finally speaks out for the first time it’s to say he wants out! I feel blindsided on how quickly this has all happened but at 42 this is not my first break up and I know how important it is to concentrate on myself right now. Since our split I have been letting him do the contacting and he’s very positive in his texts, very supportive on the things I’ve been doing since he’s moved out already. But a few days ago I texted him asking for space and boundaries. You see, I have been keeping his cats until he gets his new place sorted out for them. He still has the keys to the house and comes over to visit them while I am at work. My text was to start the NC rule and to ask him to get the cats – he’s been hinting at my keeping them for a few weeks longer and has even come by to clean the cat’s litter and bring food! In my heart-of-hearts I believe he struggles to know what he wants and my biggest hope is that time away will make him pine for the wonderful life we built together as I can’t believe he’d be willing to to give what we had up. But I’m crushed knowing he will be coming by in a few hours to get the girls. I grieve losing my best friend and now his cats. What do I say to him on our last visit before the NC? Should I behave like I’m moving on or can I be open up to letting him know I love him and don’t understand why he’s chosen to go? That knowing may be helpful in moving on? He’s definitely the person I want to share my life with.

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   October 4, 2016 at 7:37 pm

   Hi Karin,

   since I’m late, how did it go?

19. 

    Dana

    October 1, 2016 at 1:32 pm

    What if they procured a new gf before you broke up and then started being with her after? Only communication has been about our stuff, and it’s been 2 months of breakup. Should I do the NC now? Is it too late?

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   October 4, 2016 at 3:55 pm

   he had a gf before you broke up? So, that means he cheated on you. It is late but it’s your only choice other than moving on.

20. 

    Louis

    September 30, 2016 at 10:42 pm

    My ex and I broke up a little over a month ago. After our break up I uncontrollably lost my mind and would not stop pestering her for about a week until she stopped answering me completely. For the most part we had a very good relationship. We were crazy about each other and always were spending time together. We had been friends for about a year before we started dating but our relationship only lasted a little over a month. I spent that whole year writing her letters about how amazing I thought she was and how I wished I could be with her. She told me things such as she never felt the way she did about me before, she said “I love you” first, she even brought up being with me for the rest of her life. Since the break up, it seems she has moved on to another guy already. I started NC twelve days ago and have not heard from her. What are my chances?

1. 

   Louis

   October 4, 2016 at 2:24 am

   we broke up because after spending a lot of time together, she seemed to have lost the feelings she had for me which was hard for me to understand because our feelings had been building towards each other for over a year before we started dating. she stopped treating me like a boyfriend and even a friend altogether. when I first brought that to her attention earlier in our relationship she cried about it and said she was sorry but then she did it again and this time when I brought it up she just got mad at me.

2. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   October 6, 2016 at 10:51 am

   ah it got boring for her… well, I think there’s still a chance but it would depend more on how much you improve.. so be active in doing that during and after nc

3. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   October 3, 2016 at 3:17 pm

   Hi Louis,

   why did you break up?