The No Contact Rule: A Powerful Strategy That Works On Your Ex

6,800 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”

Lizzie

September 20, 2016 at 7:58 pm

My boyfriend broke up with me 5 months ago after we had been dating for 3 years. He is now with another girl who he seems to be madly in love with but I still love him and want to get back together with him. I tried the no contact rule but that seemed to make no difference at all and now I don’t know what to do to get him back again. Please help me

Lizzie

September 29, 2016 at 2:52 pm

I tried the no contact rule about a month ago and improved a lot, since then we have had very brief conversations on social media when he has messaged me. However every time we’re in the same room I get nervous and act differently and I feel like I’m putting him off more and I don’t know how to attract him when he’s with this new girl or how to be able to have proper conversations
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 30, 2016 at 11:00 pm

Well, you have to practice on how to act when he’s around.. you have to be casual and light.. because he will get confused if you ignore him in person and then be friendly in text only.
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 22, 2016 at 5:55 pm

Hi Lizzie,

when did you try the no contact rule? How much did you improve then and now? When did you last attempt talking to him?

Taylor

September 20, 2016 at 7:39 am

Hello,
My ex and I broke up a month ago. I made a lot of mistakes… I begged for him, attempted to be his friend, and had sex with him. He told me he doesn’t have feelings for me and I need to move on about two weeks ago. I have attempted no contact multiple times but never completed it. Anyways, last week we were texting as friends, then a few days later I realized that this wasn’t in my best interest and that I need to move on. I didn’t text him anymore and I unfollowed him on all platforms and blocked him on Twitter. On Saturday morning he texted me asking why I blocked him and I said “idk” and he said “zoh okay just want to make sure you’re not mad at me”. We chatted a little after that and he stopped responding. That night, my friend was out and saw him dancing with a girl I used to be friends with. I became very angry because he talked a lot of crap about her when we dated and of course I made the mistake of texting him saying something about it. He said things like “why do you care were not dtogether” “you care or you wouldn’t be texting me” “you care a lot” blah blah blah. We got in our argument and then he stopped responding. Today I found out that him and that girl have been snap chatting and that he told her I was crazy. I haven’t talked to him since and I plan on going full no contact Bc at this point I have nothing to lose. I guess what I need the most advice on is:

1. If him and this girl become something, how will no contact even work?
2. Since we left things on bad terms, will no contact be less affective? I feel like the crazy ex and I wish I knew how to wipe the slate clean…
3. If a guy says he has no feelings, does no contact still have a chance of working?

EBR Team Member: Amor

September 21, 2016 at 6:51 pm

hi Taylor,

We cant guarantee that nc will work..
And nc is more for you. For you to improve and heal so that you would be more rational.. and through that, it can help you raise your chances.

But to be honest, yes, you are that crazy ex girlfriend to him.. And to help influence the way he thinks about you. You have to genuinely change. Improve yourself and have your own life.. Dont ever ask, demand or get angry when he dates because you dont have the right anymore.. He has to think you have moved on, so that he would be more open on being friendly again

Meriiiiii

September 19, 2016 at 6:02 pm

Hi,
My bf was obsssed with me about 4-5 months before we started dating. He was in love with me from the first, he did everything to make me love him. Everything was perfect, he always though I was better than him so he tried extra hard for me. I was his dream girl( that’s what he told me) and he never felt something like this before. I met his family, went traveling with them etc.we were great couple no fight nothing for 9 months. We spent a lot of time togetherOne day his friends and him smoked weed front of me which pissed me off. I talked to him about it he said he won’t smoke again. But I kind of went to far, started pushing him away, being a little rude… till the last day he was trying to fix everything. He texted me I was mean again and told him I’m not happy.. and the next day I messaged him he was gone, he said he’s being smoking a lot, that he doesn’t know what he wants if he can make me happyand stuff.. I freaked out, put a lot of pressure on him to meet me. We met he was crying saying he doesn’t want to hurt me that he loves me he need time and we’re going to be together.. so I left crying.. next day I stated talking about meeting, he promised to come see me and he didn’t show up. The next I texted him don’t make plans we’re having dinner together… first he said he can’t then he said at 10:30 to meet him in his office. I went there je wasn’t there and he ignore my messages .. in the morning he deleted me from snapchat. So messaged him that I’m done. Then I found out there an 18 year old girl hanging out with him. His friend told me there nothing between them. I also found out he got a puppy for her( we have one together). I messaged the girl that I have a puppy and I guess it’s his move for every relationship. It’s been 13 days I’m on NC. Do you think it will help me get him back? What are my chances? He never told me we’re done
Thank you
Ps I asked about the girl he said she’s no one, just a car girl.(He owns a huge car business) I don’t see them spending a lot of time together like he used to spend with me but she has his car..and he hangs out with her sometimes

EBR Team Member: Amor

September 20, 2016 at 1:06 pm

Hi Merii,

I dont think he’s telling the truth..he gave her a puppy and a car… how old are you both? and how much have you improved?

Paige

September 18, 2016 at 10:27 pm

Me and my boyfriend (now ex) have been dating for 6 months and we got in a bad argument a couple of weeks ago and I yelled out “we’re done!” obviously I didn’t mean it and I told him that and ever since that argument I’ve been trying to prove to him that I love him and didn’t meant it. He always told me he loved me and always used to tell me he’s going to marry me and give me kids (not all COLLEGE guys say this, right?) So after the “breakup” we were trying to work past the argument and make the relationship better, but he just keeps saying “i don’t know. It’s just not the same since you broke up with me”. I keep telling him i didn’t mean it (and he knows that) and even asked if he wanted to go back out (just to shut him up). I’ve literally been begging him to work out our relationship together but he’s not even willing to work it out. I’ve told him all things possible i know i hurt him and i’m trying to prove my love for him but it’s like he’s not trying to hear that ever since i screamed that “we’re done” out in the argument. All my friends and family are telling me to basically do the No Contact Rule but I just can’t! I went from talking to him and being with him every day to not being with him at all!!!! Plus, we go to the same university and have a class together (that we set up while we were together) so it’s kinda hard to just not think about him and ignore him. He’s always looking like he’s fine on campus and on social media so I’m wondering is he over me already??? PLEASE tell me what to do because I KNOW he’s the one and he knows I’m the one too.

EBR Team Member: Amor

September 20, 2016 at 6:19 pm

Hi Paige,

that means, you’ll only do a limited or minimal no contact.. if you keep asking for him back, he’ll just keep on saying no to you

J

September 18, 2016 at 8:54 pm

so I’ve made my fair share of mistakes, I begged for him back, I cried, I said I was fine with just being friends, and I kinda gave him closure. how do I make this work for me and not let my mistakes screw up my chances??
J

September 18, 2016 at 1:24 am

So my ex goes to the same school as me and we have mutual friends and he’s in my pe class and he tries to be social with me what should I do when he tries to talk to me and things??? Also if i see him hanging out with our friends should I go over to them or not? or if I’m with the friends and he comes over what should I do? and is it alright if I go over to his friends who are kinda my friends too when he’s not there? and if he comes back should I leave?

J

September 18, 2016 at 9:11 pm

also when I’m in the halls should I avoid looking for him and making eye contact? we go to a small school so I’m just wondering if I should do my best to avoid him at all times or what
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 20, 2016 at 11:06 am

HI J,

you can still talk to your friends. If he’s around or approaches you, just be civil. Be short and polite. Don’t be engaging if he wants to talk. Give short replies.. Focus in improving yourself. Do new things or excel in the ones you are already in. If you bump into him, just give a quick smile but don’t start conversations nor approach him.

Reed Winston

September 17, 2016 at 10:13 pm

I am 53 years old and an engineer with science and engineering degrees. In my decades of experience, I will confident in asserting that the No Contact Rule will fail almost 100% of the time. The longer “no contact” is in place by either side, the less probable a failed relationship will recover.

I want to explain why the No Contact Rule fails by giving an example…

McDonald’s wants you to buy their fast food so they advertise. You go get a Big Mac and large fries, whatever.

One day, some Marketing executive at McDonald’s has an idea. Being a firm believer in The No Contact Rule, she decides to reduce the marketing budget and drive up sales by using The No Contact Rule.

Her thinking is this: If McDonald’s doesn’t advertise, then people will miss McDonald’s, wonder what happened, and then want to come back to McDonald’s to find out, and then stay and buy more food.

However, the reality is that Burger King hasn’t stopped advertising – they are not doing no contact and they are keeping in contact with the fast food customer base. So, while McDonald’s keeps up The No Contact Rule and doesn’t advertise, Burger King is getting improved sales because, without MacDonald’s advertising, those people wanting their fast food weren’t thinking of McDonald’s, but, seeing Burger King advertisements, they instead went to Burger King.

After a month, this MacDonald’s Marketing executive is fired and her story becomes required learning in business schools across America.

It’s the same with relationships. If you have no contact, guess what? The other person is having plenty of contact with your replacement and is very quickly learning that 1) they can survive without you and 2) you really weren’t all that special.

This is especially so for young heterosexual men who are constantly horny. On evolutionary grounds, they are hard-wired to constantly be on the prowl for available sexual partners. So, if because of The No Contact Rule, he is no longer getting his emotional and physical needs met, then he will begin to look elsewhere. Even if he is monogamous and totally in “true love”, now that he is single again, a part deep-down inside of him recognizes the opportunity that freedom presents to “legally” be with another woman. He may not actively seek a different female, but when another female approaches him that he finds attractive, then he is very likely to get into a rebound relationship with her.

Put in sports terms, the failed relationship is like a fumbled football and The No Contact Rule is equivalent of doing nothing and letting the other team pick up the ball and run it in for a touchdown.

EBR Team Member: Amor

September 20, 2016 at 6:22 am

Hi Professor Reed,
That’s a very good analogy! The thing is there is no emotional attachment to a product.. With a person, you shared memories and feelings with that person and although no contact is not a cure for all, it’s human nature to miss somebody we lost. If you just replaced that person after a few weeks, then that either means you had no emotional attachment to that person, you’re trying to cover it up or you have already started to move before you broke up..

rin

September 17, 2016 at 8:42 am

Can i contact him on day 30?its 30days today.need help

EBR Team Member: Amor

September 19, 2016 at 1:11 pm

Hi Rin,

did you?

Sam

September 16, 2016 at 10:37 pm

Hi. My boyfriend and I recently broke up out of the blue. We decided to not talk for 2 weeks then see where we were both at. He does not want to get back together and he says he wont feel differently ever. We dated for 4 years. He isnt seeing anyone else and he gave me a bunch of stupid excuses. I want to know if no contact will even work on him. Nothing in his life changed when we broke up. He still does all the same things and hangs out with the same people and everything. The only difference is that I am not there. I always visited him and did what he wanted to do and hung out with his friends. I feel like this is why he doesnt miss me or want me back….because nothing has changed for him. We spent every day together for 4 years…I know our relationship isnt perfect and would take a little work but hes jumped off the deep end and is being strange. He was set off by something so insignificant and just stuck with it. I dont know what steps to take from here to get him back…. when i saw him last to talk about us, he was bugging for details about my life and said i looked good but doesnt want me. He got offended when i tried to avoid him when we were living together for a few days before i moved out. But he says he feels nothing when people say how sorry they are that we broke up. Just wondering if NC would work here or if i should be trying to stay apart of his life…..since we have all the same friends and just try and chill and see how that goes

EBR Team Member: Amor

September 19, 2016 at 6:35 am

Hi Sam,

we can’t guarantee that it will work.. but I don’t think there’s any other better move to do than doing the no contact rule and improving yourself during no contact and after.. It’s much better than chasing and waiting for him..

Selle

September 14, 2016 at 5:10 pm

Hi. My ex boyfriend and I broke up 3 months ago. However, we still communicate to each other daily on fb messenger after the breakup. We even go and hangout sometimes whenever both of us are available. I admit that I am become needy and clingy whenever we talk to each other. I commit the “mistakes” that a woman probably does after a breakup. He expresses himself if he’s irritated and he keeps on telling me that he is not willing to commit himself to anyone for a long time after we had the breakup. I just started the NC rule today and I want to know if 30 days would be enough or do I need more time for the NC rule? Thank you very much and have a pleasant day.

EBR Team Member: Amor

September 17, 2016 at 2:23 pm

Hi Selle,

yeah, I think you should do at least 30 days and you should read this one: EBR 012: How To Get Out Of The “Friend Zone” With Your Ex Boyfriend

Elle

September 14, 2016 at 2:00 pm

Hi there
Do I have any chance of being back with my ex, he is 15 years younger than me with no children, I have 2 teenage boys.
We were together for 3.5 years, started quite casually but ended up falling in love. We saw each other mainly at weekends as he lives 1.5 hours from me. We became best friends and shared everything, because of the distance we spent a lot of time calling and messaging and then had weekends together.
He broke up with me 3 weeks ago, saying that he couldn’t give me what I want, that i deserve better, but that he truly loves me and will miss our friendship more than anything. He said he would still like to see me when he can and always wants to be there for me, but that he had all the stresses of a relationship but none of the benefits: ie not being together in the week.. We did keep in touch for the first couple of weeks and saw eachother twice, where he said “I’ve seen a house that would be perfect for us, and give me two years and it will be me you and the boys living by the coast!! He had also said that he can’t say that he will never want children though, although previously he had been ok with not having them.
I eventually said that I set him free to live his life as he wishes, without me, as it was breaking my heart being in this limbo stage, so from 4 days only ago, I haven’t spoken or heard from him. Do you think the 30 day nc will help him get perspective on what he really feels. I desperately want to make sure he is ok, and I’m pretty certain he will be feeling that eat. But does the age and children thing just mean its pointless
Thank you

EBR Team Member: Amor

September 17, 2016 at 5:34 pm

Hi Elle,

What did he mean when he had all the stresses of the relationship but none of the benefits? Do you always fight?

Maggie

September 14, 2016 at 10:37 am

Hi, my comment isnt appearing. Long story short – i am in a period of NC with my ex. We have dated on and off for over a year now. I want to check on two things. When we first broke up I unfriended him on facebook, and unfollowed him on instagram. Does this ruin my chances? He unfollowed me back on instagram but still views my stories.
Secondly, i think he has started NC on me first as I was the last one to send a message and never heard from him again – how do I reclaim things so that I am the one doing No Contact. I am on Day 6 and it is brutally hard. I am so scared he is going to start dating someone right away.

EBR Team Member: Amor

September 14, 2016 at 3:23 pm

Hi Maggie,

not really.. He’ll understand.. And I think you should check this one: EBR 048: My Ex Boyfriend Unfriended Me On Facebook…. What Does It Mean? Even if you’re the one who first unfriended him, I still think that applies to you.

Olivia

September 13, 2016 at 10:50 pm

Should I lengthen no contact to 30 days if my ex boyfriend hasn’t tried to contact me? I was just planning on doing no contact for 21 days and I’m on day 22 now but I read more about no contact and it said if your ex hasn’t tried to contact you, you should move to 30 day no contact. Should I do that? Thanks.

EBR Team Member: Amor

September 16, 2016 at 7:02 pm

Hi Olivia,

When and why did you break up? How long were you together? You said you replied to his text? When was that? Did you start to improve yourself during no contact?

Olivia

September 13, 2016 at 10:44 pm

I implemented the no contact rule on my ex boyfriend and I was planning on doing it for 21 days and I’m on day 22 day now because I’ve been reading more about no contact and it was saying that if your ex hasn’t tried to contact you (he sent me a text calling me a nickname and I texted him back a text calling him a nickname and that is it) during 21 day no contact you should lengthen no contact for 30 days. Is that what I should do or should I contact him now?

EBR Team Member: Amor

September 16, 2016 at 7:02 pm

Hi Olivia,

When and why did you break up? How long were you together? You said you replied to his text? When was that? Did you start to improve yourself during no contact?

Danielle

September 13, 2016 at 6:36 am

Im pretty disciplined and don’t have much of an urge to be in contact with my ex right now after he broke it off , even though it’s only been a few days, but my question is, does the no contact rule still apply when communication is key to the guy? Things almost headed south because our communication slipped for a couple days. He insisted on good morning to good night texts every single day as well as how we’re doing throughout the day and just checking up on each other in a healthy manner. Once it started slipping close to the break up (a fault on my end, I was too stressed and became short with him while he was putting in the same effort) he said that’s a red flag for him. So again, I don’t plan on contacting him, I want us both to have time to think about things (the relationship was good, positive, really no problems, and the break up wasn’t too bad, he said what he had to say and I said nothing but ok well I guess I should go now). And as strong as a personality he has, he’s also very afraid to upset people, and I wouldn’t want to make him feel like I hate him. And since he’s so sensitive when it comes to communication, should I still stay no contact if he tries reach out to me before the 30 days?

EBR Team Member: Amor

September 14, 2016 at 4:19 pm

HI Danielle,

wait, so he can’t get past from liking you to loving you because you weren’t that available to talk?

Maggie

September 12, 2016 at 11:36 pm

I have a question about social media in the NC rule. I have been on and off with a guy for six months and finally it’s over and I’m heartbroken. Before he wouldn’t give me so much as five days without contacting me, so this time I want to really implement no contact no matter what for my own sanity. So I have unfriended him on Facebook and stopped following him on Instagram. He unfollowed me back but never mentioned it and we haven’t spoken since. I am on day six. Having read this in worried though – does this make me a jerk ?! Instead of just no contact. I know there is no guarantee to get him back but I don’t want to definitely close the door on us being able to have a relationship and communicate again when the thirty days are up. Did I mess this up with removing him from my social media?

EBR Team Member: Amor

September 14, 2016 at 3:24 pm

Hi Maggie,

not really.. He’ll understand.. And I think you should check this one: EBR 048: My Ex Boyfriend Unfriended Me On Facebook…. What Does It Mean? Even if you’re the one who first unfriended him, I still think that applies to you.

Victoria

September 12, 2016 at 9:04 pm

My ex boyfriend has messaged me twice in the span of these past two months after not talking to me for six-seven months. First he asked for his things back very casually (all I had was a couple sweatshirts and I live a state away) and then yesterday he sent me a long message apologizing for the way he treated me, telling me he thinks about me every now and then and worries, that he wants to make sure I’m alright, and that he feels guilty about the way he acted. I don’t know what to do. He said he would understand if I didn’t want to respond to him, but I don’t know if I should or shouldn’t. Would he send a message like that just to make himself feel better? Or does he actually care? I can’t tell if he’s interested in me still.

Victoria

September 14, 2016 at 10:57 pm

So it’s okay to break no contact? I’m not sure what to say. A few people that I know are telling me not to reply while others are saying I could if I was curious.
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 17, 2016 at 2:30 pm

you’ve been no contact for 6-7 months right? That’s too long.. you can break nc now..
Victoria

September 13, 2016 at 1:25 am

Also I didn’t reply to his last message, I haven’t spoken to him in all those months.
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 14, 2016 at 3:07 pm

Hi Victoria,

the only way to know that, is to talk to him..

michelle

September 12, 2016 at 6:43 pm

We were together 4 and 1/2 years. I broke up aug 1 because some trauma issues from childhood I did not realize were keeping me closed. we mutually agreed on break up aug 3. He told friends he could not talk to me because he would fall back in. He called me drunk and ugly on aug 11. It is now sept 12 and I have not talked to him. I did try on aug 26 and I am blocked on his phone. Should I just accept its over?

EBR Team Member: Amor

September 14, 2016 at 2:23 pm

Hi Michelle,

First, if you’re still blocked then you need to extend no contact and have you taken the steps you need to do to change yourself? Therapy? Doing new things? Stopping the ones that need to stop? Having a makeover?

Angie

September 11, 2016 at 7:41 am

Hey, thank for doing this and reading this. You rock!! Heres my story. We have been having problems for a couple of months. About 6 months, been together for over a year. Mainly just like emotional problems, him becoming distant, it just felt like he was putting in less effort then before, which made my more clingy(oops), he’s been asking for space for a while and it took me a long time to understand that ( but i do now) and i get that it’s not personal that sometimes he just needs space for himself, his family has always been a problem because his little sister (18 years old) hates me for absolutely no reason and his family matters a lot to him, so that pretty difficult to fight, and just a lot of emotionally straining thing like that, but anytime we spoke about breaking up we never did it, like we would both say things like”it seems like the right thing to do” but we wouldn’t last a day broken up. like we really do (or did) love each other( I’m not sure how i feel right now). Last week we had a conversation and he said he thought I was unhealthy for him and I didn’t allow him to grow. And that did it for me, knowing that he felt this way made it easier for me to let go of him since I love him and want him to be happy again. And I told him we should break up and that i was doing this for him, because i want him to be better, and that i didn’t want him to be with someone who he thought was unhealthy for him. And yeah he called today (Saturday) and I didn’t answer, he left a voicemail that said ” i just want you to know that if you need anything I’m here for you.” When i heard the voicemail, i sent him a text that said ” thanks for the offer” and that was that. So with that, is 30 days enough? More or less?

Angie

September 15, 2016 at 3:44 am

Also, he just texted me since i did the NC. Its been 4 days. He asked me if i will be watching my favorite show tonight. Would it be okay to text him that I’m not ready to talk to him yet, and that I need more time? I know itd be breaking the NC rule. & I’m dont want to start it all over again. Also my read receipts is on so it tells him i saw it which I’m sure doesn’t feel nice.
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 18, 2016 at 11:38 am

It would be better if you just ignore it. And then check the latest version of the no contact rule article. Start with the true purpose of nc section so that you’ll have an idea on what to do during nc.
The No Contact Rule (Version 2.0)
Angie

September 15, 2016 at 2:53 am

Okay. I plan on getting a gym membership and reading more books. But i have a question, he doesnt have any social media, so how will I still keep him in the loop that I’m like living life and having fun ? Also where can i read about what to do after the 30days?
Angie

September 13, 2016 at 6:22 am

Wait I’m confused? And if a get back with him…. (What?)
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 14, 2016 at 4:24 pm

Sorry!!!:D Wrong grammar! I mean, continue that routine that you will start during nc even when you get back with him..
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 13, 2016 at 6:04 am

Hi Angie,

yeah I think 30 days is enough..both of you need a breather.. Use this time to start a new routine that you will still continue when you start to rebuild rapport and if you get back with him…

Keisha Moore

September 10, 2016 at 11:29 pm

Hey!!!! My boyfriend and I were together for a year and 7 months, however, we began to argue a lot. I would say things I really don’t mean but I would then apologize for it and he would forgive me, which became a pattern. He is a very strong willed person and feels that he’s always right, so we argue about that too. I was single for three years before I met him but I was dating. I had a lot of male friends that would still initiate contact every blue moon. He begged me to change my number and I did. Everything was good for a little while then I started to feel I wished I hadn’t done so because we would argue too much over little things such as me not wanting to go places because I was too tired. He claims I’m selfish and I don’t know how to love a man. He broke up with me because of my ways but I was still having sex with him. I tried everything to get him back, but he keeps telling me we can be friends. I would ignore him for about a week then I get into my feelings again then I would call. He wouldn’t answer but would text me, so I would get angry and pop up places I know he would be to question him about his actions. When I approach him he would have a smirk on his face but would act nonchalant. He would answer any question I ask then walk away and don’t answer when I call. He tells me quit popping up and stop calling but when I ask him if he’s involved with another female he’s always telling me no, but his actions makes me feel like he hates me and his attention is somewhere else. He doesn’t call anymore. I took my social media page down and then he requested my friends. I’m thinking he request them so they could tell me things. I would log on for a couple seconds to check his page then I log off. He would put pictures up of himself on his off days. The last picture I saw was a pic he took somewhere he was supposed to take me so I questioned him if he took a female and his response was no. My main question I want to know is does he loves me anymore, is he dating someone else, and is he completely done? Its been two months since we’ve been going through this but I’m always initiating the calls so I feel like I’m being irritating and I’m not giving him the chance to experience life without me. I want to try the NC but I’m afraid it will make him forget about me. Help me please….

EBR Team Member: Amor

September 12, 2016 at 12:52 pm

Hi Keisha,

I want to answer you here, but I think you need to check this article to answer your other fears regarding no contact:Your Worst Nightmares During The No Contact Rule

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