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Karen
November 23, 2016 at 7:28 pm
Hello, so my bf says he needs time to decide if we can still be together. Here’s wat happened. One night I hung out with a guy and then went over to his place. He suggested that we try doing something fun since he will be gone for a long time. So he says maybe we shld get high. In my mind am like okay, I can control myself, I will just take a few sips and leave. But eventually I get really high and he is trying to lure me into sleeping with him. To cut it short I get a grip of myself and I told him to take me home, at this point he acts like he is angry but eventually decides to drop me off (I intended stopping at my bf’s place). So I get to my bf’s place and am a lot high now he asks wat happened and I told him everything. To cut it short we talked in d morning after I had calmed down and he said doesn’t know if he can get over seeing me high that he used to trust me being loyal and that it has dropped and that he needs time to decide if he can live with it or live without me. Please wat should I do
Janet
November 26, 2016 at 10:25 pm
Hi,
It’s my 22nd day of no contact. My ex boyfriend blocked me on facebook and created a new one where I am not block. He broke up with me out of nowhere. I never plead and beg. I started no contact right away. Just wondering til now he havent intiated a contact.
In our 4 years, i always initiated the contact. But this time i got tired. I still love him.
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 28, 2016 at 12:18 pm
Hi Janet,
maybe because he’s not yet ready.. Have you been actively improving yourself?
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 26, 2016 at 12:10 pm
Hi Karen,
First, don’t ever do that again. ANd check this one:
This Is How To Make Him Trust You Again
FunkyBanana
November 23, 2016 at 2:54 pm
Hi.
My ex and I were in a long distance relationship. We are both between 21-25wo. We met online thanks to common friends. He had broke up with his depressive and lunatic girlfriend just 2 month before meeting me (they stayed together for 2years and she lived with him for a while).
At 1st it was supposed to be a one night stand, but he grew more and more into me, he was really enthusiast and he did all he could to make me his girlfriend. He told his family and friends how happy he was with me and how great I am. After an amazing month together, I told him that I was upset because his ex was still sending him “I miss you”/”I love you” messages and he didn’t wanted to tell her that he had met someone. He also called me twice with her name. So I told him how sad I felt about it.
Since then, he started to grow more and more distant, even though I told him that I understood why he didn’t wanted to tell her and that he could do it when he felt the time was right.
I came to visit him a whole week and it was really stressful, his dad is really violent towards him as he is more or less breaking up with his mother.
He kept being distant. I started to doubt a lot about his feelings, and so did he.
We both took the decision to break up. It was quite hard.
After 3 days of complete “no contact”, I wrote him a mail, just having a distant look and reflection on our relationship and the mistakes I made. I just told him that I hope he was well and that we could play online games together again.
He answered by saying that during those days he felt “free” and it conforted him in his decision of remaining single. That he wants to stay single while finishing his studies (in a year and a half). And that he was ok to play with me.
I am thinking about doing a “no contact” time again for at least two weeks. However I’m not sure that this guy will actually miss me, since he told me he was glad to be single :S
Knowing all the difficulties ( distance, his ex, his family issues, his studies, and other problems that he has), I wonder if I can get that guy back, because I really feel that he’s worth it! :/
Shall I give up? 🙁
FunkyBanana
November 28, 2016 at 8:53 am
Hey! Thanks for the answer! It helped me!
I thought the article really interesting. I think I might have been a kind of “rebound” but he’s definitly not coming back with his ex: she was abusive, highly instable, he was in a “confort which turned into a trap” relationship with her (she said she loved him, he said “ok why not being together” and then couldn’t leave her because he was afraid she was going to kill herself due to her depression).
I just think that we met “too soon” after his breakup, and he also kept saying that. According to him I was his “dreamgirl” so he tried to be with me even though he wasn’t ready at all for a new relationship because he was afraid he would loose me. Just imagine you broke up, you need some time with yourself and BAM you bump into Ryan Gosling who seems to be interested in dating you. What would you do? Not that I’m compairing myself with Mr Gosling, lol, but putting things this way helped me to understand why he didn’t just simply took time with me. He also told me several times that he wanted to stay friends if something bad happened because he was afraid to loose someone like me.
So in the last discussion we had, I ended up being nice, relax, cheerful and told him that we could play video games together soon => no contact after I told him that => it’s gonna grind his gears 😉
If I was his dreamgirl, I want to remind him that I am by being a better version of myself: I am taking care of myself, exercising (I’m doing Insanity) to loose a few pounds and stay toned, I am going out with friends, focusing on my work, dancing 30 mins a day, meeting new people, dating, eating healthy and sleeping well 🙂
So basically I try to stay positive and move on ^^ (or at least pretend I move on lol)
A few days ago, I went out with our common friends in my city. He was supposed to be with us that weekend. The three of us went to a place where he would have loved being with us. We had fun all night, I tried to look pretty and cheerful. I never mentionned him or the breakup or said I was sad. I casually mentionned a boy I was going to the movies with right after. We took pictures and posted them on Fb. One of my friends started saying that my ex was an idiot and was missing something. I just replied that it’s a shame but it was his choice and then stayed quiet.
=> our friends realised that he could have been with us and we could all have had fun together like we used to => he might also realise that if he sees the pictures.
What do you think? good point or too early to have him see my face? (no contact: one week now)
Anyway thank you for your help! It looks like I’m back on track! I don’t care if he needs time to recover and rebuild himself, I understand that and I don’t care if it takes a lot of time to actually start a “real and brand new” relationship with him 🙂 And if during that time I move on.. well, that’s life!
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 28, 2016 at 10:46 pm
You’re welcome!
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 26, 2016 at 11:25 am
Hi Funkybanana,
I think you should do at least 21 days and focus in improving yourself. And I think you should check this:
EBR 034: Are YOU The Rebound For Your Ex Boyfriend?
Jamie
November 22, 2016 at 3:56 am
I have been seeing this guy for about two months. We hadn’t had the relationship talk yet, but I thought we were getting pretty close. He came to a concert of mine last week, but then two days later he told me he didn’t feel the same way that night like every other time we spent together. I had no sense of any changes in his behavior that night, so I felt blindsided. He said he was so sorry and didn’t understand it himself. The only reasoning he gave was that we had different personalities and interests, so he didn’t think we would be a good match in the long-run. This answer made no sense to me because he had previously said that I made him feel really good. Yes, we have different personalities, but I think we still clicked very well and it’s not healthy to date your clone! I thought him coming to my concert was such a big step for us, and I thought it was really special. I have no idea what made him change his mind so quickly. It was just completely out of left field. I got to know his friends so well and I felt very included in his group over the past two months. I don’t really know what to do at this point. We haven’t contacted each other since then (a couple days ago).
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 24, 2016 at 3:14 pm
Hi Jamie,
well, we cant jump into conclusions. So, the best you can do is to try the no contact rule
Jazmin
November 22, 2016 at 12:09 am
I messed up cause I chased him right after I called it quits I texted him the next day apologizing and telling him I wanted him back in my life but he said he needed breathing room. What should I do now? Is hope lost?
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 24, 2016 at 1:38 pm
Hi Jazmin,
when was this? Do you want to try the no contact rule?
Ash
November 21, 2016 at 2:56 am
Hi
So I finished the NC period and when I tried reaching out to my ex, I don’t think it worked too well. with the first contact message, I sent him one message saying “I have some news I think you should know about.” He responded right away, and so I waited for that hour, but I don’t think the message was interesting enough or was too much for him. It was hard to tell if he was responding positively or not because when I waited for an hour to tell him, he thought the news was that I was pregnant. He was with some friends when I texted him, and then rumors spread around like wildfire that I was pregnant, and long story short someone tried to create drama about it, but it was quickly resolved. The thing is, I thought it was all starting out well, but I’m not really getting much of a response from him anymore. I only texted him for a couple days and remembered to keep it short and sweet so I could build it up, but yesterday when we were in the middle of a conversation he ended it on me asking him a question. I don’t know if I should retreat to NC for a couple weeks or what, or if he’s trying to move on. I don’t know what this means?
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 22, 2016 at 11:19 pm
Hi Ash,
what was the last text?
Laura
November 20, 2016 at 9:59 pm
My ex and I had been dating for sixteen months and we’d been having a few problems, but they seemed relatively normal and not worth breaking up over (the book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” is practically a how-to guide on our relationship). Even with our problems, we almost never fought, because we genuinely didn’t have much to argue over (we had talked about this). One night, after we got off of work, he asked to meet me at a bar down the street from my apartment. We had been talking just two days earlier about going to his family’s beach house for Thanksgiving and that night, we talked about taking a weekend trip to go to a Virginia Tech game. We were both in a good mood, had a few drinks (we weren’t drunk though), and went back to my apartment to watch a PBS documentary we both really wanted to see. We chatted all through it, he ate my leftover pizza from a couple nights ago, and we went to go to bed to fool around. Well, things weren’t quite jiving in bed (this never really happened often), and all of a sudden he is saying things like “I can’t make you happy” and “I think you need time to figure out what you want” and that he wasn’t happy either and wanted to be independent (he had never mentioned any of this before, even when I’d asked him). I was completely a hysterical mess, shaking, couldn’t breathe, my face soaked in tears, and he was getting dressed to leave. I looked up and said “I’m never going to hear from you again am I?” He insisted that that would not be the last time I saw him and he would talk to me that weekend (it was a Friday night), and left. He never contacted me that weekend. I texted him to tell him that I went out of town for the next week to reflect, that I wanted to give him space, but that I felt like I deserved an explanation and a say.
Flash forward to two weeks later. I took a week to completely mope and cry and be completely dysfunctional. I also saw lots of friends and cried in lots of friends’ apartments. When I came home, I started going to the gym and eating healthy and diving into work to keep my brain occupied. My mom came into town and I was getting my life back together. She suggested that I call him one night, just to open a dialogue. BIG MISTAKE…I told him what I’d been up to, just trying to make casual conversation, but his guard was mostly up. I then told him that I missed him and he said that he did not miss me “in the way I hoped he did”. So I wished him good luck with the election (he works for a union), and hung up and cried.
It has now been a month since we broke up. I have been working out every single day, eating healthy (as a result, I’ve lost 15 lbs and ran my first 5K this weekend), seeing a counselor every week, seeing family and friends, trying to find volunteer opportunities around and get involved, and everything. I know he at least occasionally looks at my Snapchat stories and is still friends with me on Facebook, Instagram, etc. but I still have not heard from him at all. I admit a not-insignificant part of me is doing some of this to get him back, but a significant part of me is doing this because I want to feel better, own my own happiness and not cry every day anymore. I think I understand better why he said what he said and why he felt he couldn’t make me happy (Thank you “Men are from Mars”). Did I completely mess up by breaking the NC rule (I have since stayed clear from breaking that again!) or do I still have a shot?
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 22, 2016 at 10:28 pm
Hi Laura,
I think you still have a shot.. Just start the count of nc from the day after that talk
ariel
November 19, 2016 at 2:09 pm
My boyfriend just broke up with me stating that he needed time to think about “who and what” he needs in life. He commented that when reflected on his past he still gets mad and doesn’t understand why. This is all puzzling to me because we looked at rings, discussed marriage, intended to purchase a dog and a home. He moved in two months ago, had cable/internet set up and now he broke up with me to do some self reflection. I know he was going through this sentiment for a bit over a week prior to breaking up I just don’t understand why he hasn’t collected his things if he doesn’t know if he wants me. His clothes, sneakers, playstation are here.
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 22, 2016 at 1:59 pm
Hi Ariel,
that’s because he’s still undecided..do you want to try the no contact rule?
Analis
November 17, 2016 at 1:09 pm
Hi, I wrote a comment but it was either not posted or deleted
I was trying the nc rule and then my be kept calling none stop on night and I thought maybe it’s an emergency . So when I picked up we ended up having a long conversation about us( stupid I know) and he said he misses me and he gave me explanation for everything and all that but I kept on acting cold and as if I’m ok. And then the convo ended with him saying ok thank you for the past year and a half and I’m here for you if you need anything . I said you too
I feel like I really messed up and I don’t know if I should call him or if I should do the nc again…. Pls pls reply
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 18, 2016 at 2:18 pm
Hi Analis,
it was posted. I’ll copy paste my answer there here ok?
Hi Analis,
talking to him after what he did would be chasing, so just let him be. It can be ego talking..
Kimmy
November 15, 2016 at 7:49 pm
Hi
My ex decided we take a step back from the relationship as we’re constantly fighting and previous to that we had mini breaks up and got back together … he decided that it would be best that we have that proper space ….. I’m
Of course trying to do the NC rule but i am also worried that I will never hear from him again and it’s been a week that I’ve not hear from
Him ….. I miss him terribly and despite him being so annoying at times he has accepted my flaws
I don’t know what to do and I’m
Starting to give up even though it’s only been a week …
Any suggestions ?
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 15, 2016 at 10:47 pm
Hi Kimmy,
give him a reason why he should regret not talking to you anymore. It’s impossible that he won’t talk to you ever. Use this time to improve yourself. Surprise him. Surprise him that you’re not the chaser that he used to know.
Danielle
November 15, 2016 at 3:15 pm
Hi,
My bf of 1 year called off our relationship last year due to lots of arguments and too much pressure and stress in his life from work. I implemented the no contact rule and 6 months later he contacted me asking to give things another go.
As he was being transferred interstate, he asked me to join him and start a-fresh. We moved interstate and have been living together for the first time for 10 months. Once again, the arguments have reared their ugly head and my bf has called the relationship off, once again stating that he has too much pressure in his life as it is. Our issues from our first time together never really got resolved as is the case now. I have asked him to give the relationship a few more weeks but also stated we need to resolve ALL issues and move on. I want to see if things can improve once our issues are sorted but he is reluctant to do so. He now sleeps in the spare room and there has been no affection or intimacy. We have polite conversation and i have continued to cook our dinners which we eat together and I do all the housework including his laundry. We went out for brunch the other day and he said he felt anxious the whole time and wanted to simply sit there in silence rather than chat. He is now seeing a counsellor as he is not sure about whether his anxiety is due to myself or outside pressures. He works incredibly long hours and has a 10 year old child from a previous relationship who has recently refused to see him for reasons unknown. His stress levels are very high at the moment and he is very irritable. Is there anything more i can do to convince him to keep working on our relationship or am I better off planning to move back home?
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 15, 2016 at 9:20 pm
Hi Danielle,
do you work there? why not get your own place instead?
Naf
November 14, 2016 at 4:48 pm
After my first meeting from 8 months relationship ,when i came back to my country
cause of an argue and he didnt accept my apology so i chose 1month NC after that i sent text to my ex ,we continued till 12days,then he started to send me some sex quotes with some images and we talked about those for two days. suddenly at the middle of convrsation,he didnt reply me .I sent him “hello” after two days ,he didnt reply me.now it has been eleven days that he doesnt reply me.
What should i do?
Naf
November 15, 2016 at 7:36 am
He replied me after 1 month NC very quickly,even he asked me about my job.
Once when i showed him the photos of my gifts ,he asked me if my husband gave them to me .Because he wanted to know if im with somebody or not.He sent me a pic with a quote that said Women are waiting and get older till they find their perfect man.
Then i said i just have 2 items and he asked me about what are those items ? then i said attention and loyalty and when i asked him this question he said the one that i always appreciate her .He didnt give me a clear answer . then just in 2 day he started sending me some sexual pics and we talked about them and suddenly disappear. should i ask him why he doesnt reply me ?because i dont really know the reason.He could never reply me after my first text message contact but he did and after 2 weeks talking with each other without any reason,he doesnt reply me.That doesnt make sense to me.
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 15, 2016 at 8:19 pm
Well, if he is busy, he might be honest and tell you that. But if he’s purposely avoiding you, then he will just continue to ignore you.
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 14, 2016 at 9:17 pm
Hi Naf,
a hi or hello text is a no no. it’s not engaging and interesting. Try to initiate again and use the advise on this link:
EBR 053: Deconstructing The Perfect First Contact Text Message
if he still doesnt reply or only talks sexually, move on.
Marie
November 14, 2016 at 9:28 am
Hi EBR team,
I’m not entirely sure my first comment went through. I wrote it on my tablet.
I’m a little desperate. I’ve experienced many break ups before and I’ve also had really nasty ones, but this one is different. Because my boyfriend is actually a good guy, a kindhearted person who always made me feel loved even when he didn’t anymore.
To give you a quick back story, we met in November last year and had two incredible first dates. At that point he was traveling in my country as a tourist. Our first date lasted a week! And on our second date ten days later, we flew to a different country and road-tripped it for a weekend. We were incredible together. However, he was going to return to his home country, Australia, soon after and we both did not want a long distance relationship. So we settled on staying friends and seeing other people, with the idea that if he ever got a job and a visa in my country, we’d go on another date.
Fast forward four weeks and we had settled into a monogamous long distance relationship. He offered it and I accepted it. We were talking every single day and very happy and excited together, especially when he went on to get a job and a visa in my country. He moved here in late summer and we were together until November 12, 2016.
The issue was that over the last few months of the LDR his feelings were a bit messy and he was unsure of them. He felt like they were fading. We both assumed that that was probably because of the prolonged distance but when he moved here, for the first three weeks or maybe more everything was exactly as it had been when we first met. I was excited and over the moon happy. However, eventually he came forward and told me that he was still not sure about his feelings. His ex-girlfriend hurt him very, very badly and he could still feel the emotional impact in the sense that he never felt quite the same level of happy after she cheated on him. And that affected his whole life not just us. He wanted us to have more conversation topics and a common hobby as a couple so we took up ice skating on weekends which was great fun! We both even bought our own skates instead of renting them.
However, four weeks later when I asked him how he felt about us now he said that he was leaning towards a break up. Just to be clear he kept saying I was the best or nicest person he had ever met, I was incredibly kindhearted and attractive and there wasn’t anything I could do better or differently in our relationship. He also made it clear that he was still excited to see me and loved spending time with me. He just wasn’t sure about our relationship status and maybe being friends would be better.
We settled on taking a relationship break after having been together a year. We said it would be a whole week and the only point of contact would be after the result of the US elections. The break was Sunday to Sunday and we both realised by Wednesday that we hated it and didn’t really want to continue it. We called off the break and spent the night together but I insisted we talk the result of the break over on Saturday.
He came to my place and he said he still didn’t know exactly what he wanted but was still leaning towards a break up although that wasn’t quite ideal either. He thought it was the best option but didn’t really want to break up. We talked for an hour or so about different options but he didn’t like any of them. In my case, I just asked him to decide, I said: ‘Either you want me, and you stay; or you don’t want me and you leave.’. He thought that was very unfair of me but I needed a decision. Eventually we settled on a break up and we both cried over it. A lot.
He found he needed time to settle his own mind a bit more and do better by himself because he hasn’t really been single for more than a few months in the last seven years. I made it clear I wouldn’t wait for him and we both made it clear that there were no caveats out of this break up. However, we both agreed we want to be in each other’s lives eventually, even as friends and I’ve made it very clear to him that that is his responsibility. I’ll only message him when he does and so on because the relationship drained me so much. The truth is, and I told him this over break up, I love him and I want him to love me and come back. He has said that if he were ever at a point again where he could date anyone I’d be the first person he contacts. But he has also said that he felt very guilty about our relationship because he didn’t love me back the way I loved him and that if a miracle had happened over night, he’d wake up in the morning and reciprocate my feelings.
We are now on NC but that’s pretty much a mutual thing. He has said he will definitely get in touch after we both have had time to cool down but for a while, we both should take space. I have a lot of friends and social activities to do in my life in general, usually I only have ONE free evening per week. So I’m not worried about the NC. What I wonder is:
1) Do you think there’s any chance he’ll miss me so much he’ll want to come back to a relationship?
2) About the professional social media photos…I only have older ones, some of which he has seen before. Given that I can’t afford to have new ones taken, should I use those?
3) If he texts me during the first 30 days, I don’t reply. However, what if the first day he texts me is Day 31 or Day 35? Should I reply already or extend NC to make him wait? I doubt he’ll text that soon, although he did text me right after we broke up to apologise for hurting me…
4) How do I know a comment here has been moderated or replied to?
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 14, 2016 at 9:52 pm
HI Marie,
your comment will always be replied, it will just not be consistent on how long.
There’s not guarantee that the no contact rule will work.If you want to increase you chances of him missing you, give him something to miss and regret. Change, improve, be your best version. If you can’t afford professional photos, take them yourself. As long as you look good, that’s ok. If he texts you in the 31st day, you can reply.
Sarah
November 13, 2016 at 10:18 am
I’m glad I could find a page that if I share my story on, it would not discourage from trying to get back with my ex. We met eight months ago and I was a total mess back then. We met through Craigslist as I was trying to find a temporary place to stay for a couple of weeks as I was completely broke at the time and just moved to a new country. So my ex responded to my message and offered me his place. We met, and immediately hit it off, however I wind up not staying with him as I felt kind of attracted to him and was afraid of making a mistake.
We started being friends and our chemistry was over the roof, but we both knew this was more than friendship. Over the course of our friendship he admitted that he was married and that he had two daughters. He said he was separated from his wife for three months now, and they both live in different cities. He told me all about his failed marriage and what a disaster it was. He explained how crazy she was and how she used to drive him insane all the time, screaming and shouting for no apparent reason, cursing him, always belittling and insulting him because he lives in her house (her job gives her free accommodation), driving their daughter away from him, and ultimately kicking him out of the house. At the beginning, I found all that hard to believe, since I know all divorced or separated couple speak bad of each other, but it all turned out to be true, and worse as I have witnessed myself.
One thing lead to another and he confessed that he liked me, we just could not hide it anymore. We dated for a few days, and around that time I had a huge fight with my best friend/room-mate at the time and she kicked me out of her house. I had to leave the country anyways and re-enter to renew my visa and I had just started a new job, but I had no idea where I’d stay when I came back, and that’s when he offered me his place. I travelled and we stayed in touch, and after I came back things really developed and we fell head over heels. We were both going through some really bad stuff at the time, family, financial, debts, work problems, and I believe that’s what made our bond grow even deeper. We were there for each other and fully supported one another. We had so many things in common, loved each other’s company so much that even when we were apart those 9 hours at work, we deeply missed each other. We were basically each other’s best friend, room-mate, and lover all in one. When he told me he loved me that was one of the best moments of my life.
On the other hand, nothing is perfect. His previous marriage was poisoning our lives bit by bit. His ex was giving him so much problems that it was affecting him badly, and taking a toll on our relationship. She would still curse at him for no reason, asking him to pick up the girls so he can see them for a few hours (we lived two hours away from her at the time) and stand him up, and finally she filed for divorce, and asked for child support. That was devastating to him, as he was already paying for everything for his daughters, and didn’t wanna be dragged into court, and wanted to settle things peacefully. That day we talked for hours about how miserable he was when he was married and how she still is making him miserable. I listened patiently, and sympathized but that day we had our first fight. He told me that he was pretty overwhelmed at the time, and that he doesn’t wanna waste my time, he said that he doesn’t know when/if he would ever get married again but he loved me too much and didn’t want me to leave him. I told him that it was too early for us to even be speaking about marriage now (that was 3 months into our relationship) and that it’s better to just enjoy ourselves at the moment.
Days and months went by, and we grew more attached to each other, and she grew more evil and insane. She would go to his place of work when he wasn’t there and speak badly about him to his boss and say that he doesn’t support his children. One day he took his daughters to a hotel nearby and she showed up there unannounced and hit him (yes, hit him!) bearing in mind she didn’t even know about us.
A few days after that incident, while he was dropping his kids at her place, she told him that she still loved him and that she was gonna drop the charges! When he got home and told me that we both laughed and I told him there’s no way you would even consider that. He later went on to shock me and say that he doesn’t know what to do, and that even though he doesn’t love her, and never loved her for that matter (they had an arranged for marriage and knew each other for a month before getting married) but he would do anything for his daughters to see them happy. His daughters are 6 and 8 and don’t even know what a divorce is. He said he would never pick me or anyone else over his daughters, and he would rather be miserable than see them suffer. I was shocked, he went from “I hate her and cannot wait to divorce her” to “I might consider it.” I tried explaining that it was way better for his daughters to have divorced parents than those who hate each other and repeatedly insult each other, but he said that was a decision he needed to make without any influence from my side.
We didn’t talk for two days, and that was hard since we lived together, but later he told me that his ex was travelling and that he was gonna go to their old house to spend the weekend with his daughters (she wasn’t there). I told him not to go and got really upset. Needless to say we got in a big fight and he went anyways. I was devastated and cried continuously while he was gone, I even thought about packing and leaving, but I didn’t. When he came back, he explained to me that since our lease was coming to an end in a week, it’s better if we both lived separately. At the time I had just quit my job, and couldn’t afford a place on my own, but I didn’t even think of that, I felt like he was abandoning me. He said there were many reasons for his decision, first that he was having big financial trouble (that was true) and couldn’t afford to rent a new place so he would just crash with a friend and he said he would help me and pay for a room for me which I refused of course. At that time, I wasn’t paying for rent, but I was paying for many other things, bills, groceries, and I l gave him some money and didn’t ask for it back.
Second, he said that he has been feeling guilty because he is a bit religious and it’s against our religion to have pre-marital sex or live together. He said he has been thinking about this since we moved in together but he loved me too much and got attached so he just suppressed it. Third, he said that I was over-whelming him lately always interfering with his relationship with his ex and that he needed to deal with that on his own. Needless to say, I was devastated. I cried for the first time in front of him and just couldn’t hold back. He hugged me and said it was for the best and that didn’t mean the end for our relationship, we would just be living apart but we will see each other all the time.
I finally accepted it, but days went by and he came to me and said that one of his friends have agreed to rent him his apartment for a cheap price so we can both move there. So we moved there and split the rent since I just started a new job (that was our third place to live in 8 months). We continued living together like this argument never happened, but I could tell something was missing, he was less attentive, and less romantic and I felt like I needed to make an effort to get his attention. I figured this was normal, our honeymoon period has ended. But it was more than that.
So two weeks ago, his friend called him and told him that we needed to move out in 10 days as he is selling the apartment, so again we needed to move. So we began searching together for a new place to move. Few days later I received my first salary from this new job and as we were sitting together having coffee after work, laughing and just chatting, he again brought up us living separately after our lease ended. He said it was for my own good, because we lived really far from my place of work, and that he didn’t feel like he is taking care of me dragging me around from apartment to another. I told him that didn’t bother me at all but if there were a different reason he needed to tell me. He first said there was no other reason, but when I pushed him to talk he again said all the former reasons, about religion, money, and the fact that he is feeling like he is wasting my time because he is unable to make a deeper commitment to me by promising when we could get married. I again told him that I am not looking to get married at the moment and that I loved him and that was enough. He said that he felt I deserved better and that it was time for me to find someone better without all his baggage. I was deeply hurt by what he said, I cried, and he cried four times that day for the first time in front of me, and he is not the emotional or sensitive type at all. I thought he was breaking up with me but he said he wasn’t. He said he loved me too much, and that he isn’t showing me one quarter of his love because something is holding him back, he said he didn’t even know how much he loved him till this moment. He hugged me tight and we slept after hours of arguing. Next morning he needed to go on a business trip for two days, and we didn’t talk for those two days. When he came back home, I was gone.
I packed just a couple of outfits for work and stayed in a hotel for two days and didn’t answer his calls or texts. He came to pick me up the second day from work, but again I ignored him. He sent me a text that day asking me to come home, and that he has packed his things and will stay with a friend, so the house is empty and I can go back. I answered that I didn’t want him to leave, and that I was coming the next day, and that I wanted to talk to him and that I missed him. He didn’t come home that night and said that his daughter was sick and in the hospital and had to go see her, and I have no idea where he spent the night. The next morning he called me and said his car was towed, I immediately sent him some money even though I was mad at him. That evening we saw each other for the first time in a week.
I gathered all rationality and tried to be as calm as possible at the beginning. I told him that our love meant so much to me, and that it isn’t tied to us staying together, and if living separately is what it takes, I’ll do it. I told him that there were only two things that mattered. The first if that he loved me, he without hesitation said yes, and the second was if he wanted to continue in this relationship with me. And that’s when he said some of the worst words I had ever heard. He said: I cannot continue in this relationship with you. “I want to” but “I cannot”. He said that he loved me way too much but again listed same reasons “religion, money..” and told me that he feels like this is not fair to his daughters. He said that he is extremely happy with me but has accepted the fact that he will never be happy. He said that he feels sorry for his daughters and it breaks his heart each time he goes to see them. I asked if I was keeping him away from them, he said no, but he is unable to “love them”. I don’t even know what that means. He again said that he is afraid that he might be wasting my time, and that he wouldn’t forgive himself if in a few years, he’s unable to marry me. I didn’t again say I wasn’t thinking about marriage and that we should live in the moment, I was more decisive and told him that if he thinks that we won’t ever get married, then it’s better that we are breaking up.
In a moment of anger he said that he didn’t wanna get married again, then He said he doesn’t even know if he would ever get married again, and if he does of course it would be to me. But he just doesn’t know when so he doesn’t wanna string me along. I told him I loved him and I would wait for him if he wants me to and if he loved me. But he said he loved me way too much and is doing this for me. I told him that he wasn’t scarifying anything for me because I am the one telling him if we wont get married, then we cant be together, and that he is breaking up with me because he doesn’t wanna get married to me. I broke down, and I started crying, and he cried a river too. I told him that he didn’t love me as much as I love him, he said that I was hurting him by what I was saying, I said that if he really loved me he would wanna be with me no matter what and fight for me, he said it doesn’t always work that way.
For a few moments, he was the one crying and I was trying to calm his down. He kept saying how much he loved me and wanted me in his life, and didn’t wanna lose me. I said we couldn’t be friends and that it would be too hard for me. He said we didn’t have to be friends. I told him if you don’t want a friendship or a relationship, then what do you want? He said I could call it whatever I wanted to call it but that he couldn’t imagine a life without me.
That was last Thursday, we slept for a couple of hours that night from exhaustion and the continuous crying. He tried to have sex, but I turned him down. He tried for hours, but I told him it would be too hard for me. We just cuddled and slept. Next morning, we tried to lay off the crying and just enjoy each other’s company that last day. I still couldn’t help it and broke down, that evening he took me out to the movies because he said he wanted me to clear my mind and have some fun. We went out and did have fun, and when we went back home later that night, we just went to sleep for the last time together. He cried and I didn’t. Again he tried to make a move, but I refused, we just made out so passionately and so intimately that although we didn’t have sex it was our best night together. So next morning, we woke up and he had to leave early to go to an important meeting. That was our goodbye, it was BRUTAL, we cried, reminisced, and he begged me not cut contact with him and to even tell me where I was gonna stay but I refused. He kissed me and told me he loved me, but that he would respect my decision if I didn’t wanna speak to him. I asked him not to forget about me, and asked him if he thought it was possible that we could meet some day by chance in a year or two, and get back together. He said of course it was possible. We hugged so tightly and he left.
Needless to say I was devastated, but I had to gather all my power because I wanted to pack and leave before he came. I did pack but over-slept because I was exhausted and then he surprisingly came back at mid-night. I had mixed feelings, I was happy to see him but upset because I didn’t wanna go through all that agonizing heart-ache again saying goodbye one more time. He told him me he had a feeling that I wasn’t gone yet and wanted to see me. I tried not to speak to him much that night and I went to sleep on the couch. Next morning we both had to go to work, and I was all packed and was gonna take my luggage and drop it at a hotel and go to work. He had to leave for work before me and I broke down again, he asked me to be strong and that it tears him apart when I cry. He said that he wanted to see me yesterday that’s why he came but he was afraid it would be hard to say goodbye again so he asked me not to cry. Then he cried himself. He told me that yesterday morning when we said goodbye was like, and I quote “someone ripped his chest open, and tear it slowly apart with their hand”. He was late for work, but I kept asking him to stay for a few minutes and ran after him to the elevator, and we said our final goodbye in his car.
After he left, I wrote him a letter telling him how much I loved him and that if he ever reconsider that I would take him in a heartbeat. I reminded him of all our good times and how perfect we were for each other. I also left him a flash drive with all pictures we had together (bit dramatic I know) Then I left.
That was last Sunday. It still hurts so bad, especially today I found one of his t-shirts that I packed by mistake and I smelled it and cried. We haven’t talked since, as I asked him not to contact me in order to get over him. We haven’t blocked each other from anything, but yesterday I found that he deleted my number (since I could not see his profile picture and status on WhatsApp). I know we are meant for each other, we get along so well, we never fight, and we love each other so much. Although sometimes I feel like he didn’t love me, and if he did he wouldn’t leave me. Sometimes I feel that he left me in order to get back with his ex for his daughters. I don’t know what to think, but I feel like he still loves me. I want him back, he is the love of my life. I never felt so much harmony and complete with someone. It’s like we were made for each other. I hope he is missing me now and hasn’t forgotten about me. I want him back and I miss him so much. We both don’t have anyone else here as we are both expats, we were each other’s world. Thing is, and I am not saying my break-up is unique or anything, but we didn’t break-up because we were incompatible, fought, or grew bored of each other, cheated or stopped loving one another. We broke up while we were still in love, and he admitted that he can’t even remember one time where I upset him, hurt him, or where I was anything but the perfect girlfriend. And that he was extremely happy with me.
I miss him, and I want him back. I feel like if he saw me moving on like all relationship experts say, he wouldn’t be angry or want me back, I think it would relieve him since he told me that he loved me too much and wanted me to be happy. Do you think I have a chance of getting back with him? And if so, how? I am dying inside!
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 15, 2016 at 1:31 pm
Hi Sarah,
yeah, there’s a chance that he will once he gets tired of dealing with his life and his wife, he’ll want you back but if that happens, talk to him and tell him to fix his life first and not use you as a security blanket
Marie
November 13, 2016 at 8:55 am
Hi EBR team,
I was with my boyfriend for a little over a year.
We had a pretty crazy love story, our first date was meant to be just a lunch and ended up being a one week long road trip. For our second date two weeks later we actually traveled to a different country. He then returned to his home country (Australia) while I stayed in Europe. Initially we said we’d stay friends and if he ever found a job amd visa in Europe, we’d go on another date. However, soon after that we settled on a monogamous long distance relationship (January 2016). It worked wonderfully until about May, he was romancing me and showing me feelings.
Then he was bullied badly in his work and things started to change, he just seemed to emotinally shut me out. He finally got a visa and a job and moved to my city in late summer. First, all was well and happy like it was in the beginning of our relationship.
However, we broke up now because he says he feels so broken and he feels guilty because he isn’t in love with me anymore. He wants to be in love with me badly because he thinks our relationship was perfect, he was still excited to see me and spend time with me until the very end. However, he has said he hasn’t been single much as an adult and thus hasn’t processed any traumatic events, and he also doesn’t like himself much. And he wants to work on that which is probably better to do outside of a relationship. I agree with that but the truth is also that I want him to fall back in love with me and I want him to come back to me. We both cried very much because he said that if a miracle happened over night, he would wake up and reciprocrate my feelings.
He has told me that even though he is not in love with me, I am one of very few people aside from his family where he say he loves them as human beings. I have also told him that if hewere to want a friendship he would need to put the effort in and be the one to message me first and so on. He has said he wants some time off and then he will definitely be in touch…
30 Days of no contact feasible but also very hard. I’d be willing to try them, but is there really a chance he will fall back in love with me? And a chance he will come back?
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 14, 2016 at 9:52 pm
HI Marie,
your comment will always be replied, it will just not be consistent on how long.
There’s not guarantee that the no contact rule will work.If you want to increase you chances of him missing you, give him something to miss and regret. Change, improve, be your best version. If you can’t afford professional photos, take them yourself. As long as you look good, that’s ok. If he texts you in the 31st day, you can reply.
Lee
November 11, 2016 at 10:25 pm
I have a question, or am looking for some reassurance that I’m not making big mistakes. My boyfriend broke up with me in late July after a series of friends got married/moved in with eachother/had kids/got engaged. We broke up the same week that four other couples broke up, though for completely different reasons (cheating, different goals, mutual, etc). My ex and I were together for about 3.5 years. It was really great, we were a team, best friends, went on adventures together, could count on each-other to be there when we needed it and so forth. We are both in our early thirties and are kind of “late to the party” (went to college much later on) so we’re a few years older than our friends, most of these friends were in couples that broke up over the summer as well.
We started casually dating a few months after he graduated college, before he landed his first “real job” (he still works there, and hates it). After several months we had the talk, and decided that we were both okay with actually admitting that we wanted the other to stick around. We both have commitment issues, obviously. 😉 We took things really slow emotionally, both kind of testing the waters to see if it was okay to open up gradually. We had a handful of arguments that were mostly focused on the fact that I do not fight dirty (I don’t yell in arguments and I tend to try to really think things through before I engage because once I start arguing I get kind of mean), and that he felt like I needed to call him out on some of his bad behavior. I told him I will always call him out if he does something that is worth it but that I wasn’t going to do it in public, and honestly most of the stuff that bothered me was easier to talk about after a good nights sleep. This was acceptable, and we worked on this a lot.
The problem is that he started to become more and more depressed about his job after two years together. We had a really rough conversation one night, where he came over to break up with me because he felt like he wasn’t good enough. After a few hours of talking to eachother (I didn’t beg) he said he was freaking out, everyone had started moving in with eachother, people were asking him when he and I were going to shack up, and he started thinking that we should be ready/why arent we ready–> uh oh panic. We talked it out, he re-centered himself, we both told each other why we werent ready to move in with eachother and that that was NOT a bad thing.
Fast forward to this year. He was getting really distant in the spring, I noticed he would say things like “yeah we’ve been together a long time, like 12% of my life has been with you” or that he felt like he didnt have anything to look forward to, like he was in this loop of rinse/repeat at work and treating weekends as an escape. He said I was too nice, and too accommodating, and I made it too easy for him to just come to my apartment every weekend and “check out” from the rest of the world. We agreed that our relationship needed to exist in real life, that he should open up a little more instead of hold it all in, and we started having more weeknight dates and sleep overs etc etc. Then, a few months later a friend joked and told my ex that he was going to need to put a ring on my finger soon. Four days later, he dumped me.
When we broke up I did cry, I yelled a little, I told him that he was taking out his angst in the rest of his life (work, car frustration, depression, poor time management) on the relationship. He said the relationship was too good and too comfortable, that he wasn’t sure, that he couldn’t live with it if he was half-in with me because I deserve 100%. He said “I am in love with you and I want to have a future with you but I have never been alone, I havent had many relationships, I am not growing as a person, and I am running to you as a safety net every time things get hard. Its too good. We want the same things but I dont know if I can do it. I cant hurt you this way anymore.”
Went NC for 3 weeks, then he invited me to dinner. Went to dinner, then a bar, then another bar and you get the gist. He’d get a little buzzed and go from friendly to “I’m going to get it together for you, I love you, you are it for me”, we’d go home together, and then go back to not talking for a few weeks. This happened several times over 2.5 months, because we’d both end up at friends’ parties and he’d go back to boyfriend-mode. I was really good at keeping my distance, but whenever he would come flirt/get sweet/act like we were just taking a break I’d slip and we’d end up back in that loop.
Now, 22 days ago I told him I couldn’t do this “back and forth” thing with him anymore. That as much as I care about him, and would love for it to work out, I needed to draw the line. I told him that it was all or nothing, that I didn’t think we’d work out because he was just a mess, and that he should try listening to his heart instead of following the panic in his mind when it comes to relationships. I told him that I didn’t want to be friends, that I didn’t deserve to have someone that broke up with me expect that I be emotionally available, friendly, accepting. I also told him that I didnt think it was fair to say “I want you in my life” to me while also saying “I want to be single, I want to date other people, I need to be alone, I don’t think I can become who I am meant to be if I can run to you.” My goal with this was to make it real, and make him deal with it alone, so I could live in peace.
He cried. A lot. It was really hard. I didn’t want to do it, but he told me that seeing me with our friends was “too hard” for him and that he needed some space because he felt like he was being pulled to me whenever I was around. :/ He apologized. Said he would respect that I wanted to be left alone, that he never thought I would be out of his life.
After this, I told him that I was done chasing him even just as a friend. I also told him that if he thought that he might want to work on this, ever, it’d be a good idea to reach out to me someday but that I wouldn’t be reaching out to him. It was too much stress to go from being lovey/we-are-a-team to “sweetheart, I need to be alone,” all the time. I said “I love you, that hasn’t changed, but I’m tired” He sent a text that night saying he hoped we could be friends someday, and that there’s no one like me, etc. I didn’t reply.
Last Friday he invited me to a sunday brunch. Said “it would just be really nice to see you 🙂 its okay if you say no, or dont think we should, i can handle it,” I got mad, turned off the phone, and thought about how I felt about it overnight before replying. My answer was honest, “Super busy Sunday, so I can’t do brunch. Thanks though!” he replied immediately with a “no worries” then “next time for sure”… I resumed my NC, figured this didnt count but I did need to answer the text because it was an invitation. His best friend also sent me a brunch invite for Saturday, which I felt was a little too close to be a coincidence.
Sorry this is a novel. He sent me some chatty texts on Monday interspersed with some logistics (he loaned something of mine to a friend) I just replied to the logistical stuff. At the end of the day, he sent a text out of the blue saying he taught our mutual friend how to do something “when you taught me that, that was such a great day.” :-/ It was late so I didn’t reply. This week was the first time we saw eachother since mid October. We were both at a friends event in a restaurant. He sat right across from me. He had a lot of options but chose that spot. He wore my favorite shirt. He went between being formal to really friendly, to formal, to awkward… We are really good at not making it weird in public, but this was a little off for him. No one else noticed. When I was getting a cab, he came to check on me and asked if I was good, a quick hug and he left.
When I got home, he sent me a text that said he was sorry if he made it weird and “that i get so excited it’s hard to pace myself…” He said he was just excited to see me, we need to do a rain check on brunch soon. We had some silly back and forth for a bit (maybe an hour?) where he was telling me about his night. I asked if he remembered when we took some random day trip, he said “that was an amazing trip, and so much fun” and I stopped after that.
I… I don’t even know what to do in this situation. At the beginning of the breakup my feelings were all over the place, but I felt like he’d need to be alone for a couple of months and then find his way back. Then he just… didn’t commit to his decision. He needs to figure himself out, he needs to go through his crisis and make his decision on the relationship without me there. I need to focus on myself. I look amazing (four months of exercising 5 days a week is great), my job is great, I am very stable. The right thing to do is just keep doing what I’m doing, right? He will probably come to me, but I need to let it happen and continue not initiating anything? We are probably going to be at some events over the next few weeks, which is okay for me — I have a great poker face — but its obviously been an issue for him. I have no idea what’s on his mind. I don’t know what he is aiming for. I don’t want to get my hopes up and do something stupid. But, I think he might be starting to regret it? Or not, and is just trying to be friends? :/ I’m at a point now where I can be in the same room as he is when our friends have parties, and not give in to going home together (if he wants that he needs to earn it). But I am a little lost and dont know what any of it means, or if it even means anything at all. 🙁
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 14, 2016 at 8:49 pm
Hi lee,
yes, you need to continue having your own life.. I think you have a good plan but set a limit on until when you would wait for him
Betty
November 11, 2016 at 3:20 pm
I need help! So my boyfriend of 2 years, my first love and everything broke up with me last night. He is still in love with me for when he broke up with me we were both crying and holding each other. He then said that this is an unusual breakup for we both have so much love for each other. His reasoning for breaking up with me is because he had a gut feeling that he needed to be alone right now because he is looking for something that he doesn’t even know what. I assume himself for he is going through a hard time. His family is splitting up and I feel like he doesn’t know where he belongs. He said that he is going to go away but he doesn’t know where. How can I make him realize that all I have ever been to him was encouraging and supportive. He even said so himself that he didn’t know what he would do if I wasn’t there to help him. But I need him back! My life has been a complete wreck (which he knew) and he was the only good thing in it and now I don’t have him either. Please help me and tell me what I should do!
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 14, 2016 at 8:21 pm
Hi Betty,
give him space.. You only realize the worth of something or someone when you lose them..
Breeanna
November 10, 2016 at 11:08 pm
So I pretty much just got dumped and I’m devastated.. I really do love him but he says it won’t work even if we take a break and try again because the “spark” is lost.. Probably two weeks ago he was saying he wasnt sure if he wants to be together because he wants time to himself to sort his head space out, but that he gave me other reasons to why we should take a break. Im so confused.. He told me he loved me then a few days later said he doesn’t .. So right now we aren’t together. I don’t know whether to try the NCR because he’s stubborn and when he’s got something stuck in his head he won’t give in, especially if he sees me happy on facebook he will think ive moved on and so then he’ll think its best to move on too, even though I’m heartbroken.. Some parts of me thinks he’s saying he no longer loves me to push me away and that he does love me but other parts of me just thinks he must have lost feelings to really want me gone.. Like I’m so confused and all I want is to be back in his arms.. What should I do?
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 14, 2016 at 6:34 pm
Hi Breeanna,
so you want him to think that you’re just there, waiting for him until he changes his mind?
katelyn
November 10, 2016 at 1:41 pm
hi my names katelyn and i got dumped just about a week and a half ago. weve broken up before but only lasted a few days. he broke up with me because we are in high school and im a junior and hes a senior. he said that he would worry to much in college and thought it would be better to break up now.. i know im young but im seriously in LOVE with him, ive never felt this way before. he said that he just needs time to get past this and says that he doesnt really want a relationship till college but i know he still loves me and does miss me, but i left him alone just about a day ago and i just dont know what to do because i dont want to let him go. aslo he has a friend that always tells him to be single and have fun.. PLEASE HELP ME!!!
katelyn
November 10, 2016 at 1:43 pm
aslo he hasnt blocked me on anything so thats good buttt he did unadd me on snap cause he couldnt stand to look at me without breaking down.
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 13, 2016 at 6:58 pm
Hi Katelyn,
so he doesn’t want a long distance relationship. Actually that’s common with couples that go to college and break up because the other one, want’s to experience college life without commitment. Are you going to try the no contact rule? And you need to check this link:
The Grass is Greener Syndrome For Ex Boyfriends
R
November 9, 2016 at 11:08 pm
Hi! My ex broke up with me after nearly 8 years in January. We remained in contact until the end of October and I tried to convince him to give it another try. He even told me that he misses me a lot, he told me that he adores me. He was thinking about getting back together for some times and is scared of doing a mistake by ending our relationship. At the end of October he told me that he’d need time to figure out if he can give it another try because he is scared that there will be no improvement within another try as we had some disagreements. He also told me that he sees that I am changing and improving into the woman he wished for. So we agreed that we should have no contact for about a month. We have never went on without talking to each other for such a long amount of time. Today is day 10 w/o contact. I am not used to not knowing what he is up to. I miss him terribly and I am scared that he will forget me. Do you think NC is the right choice? Shall I play “hard-to-get” when he contacts me again after 30 days?
R
November 15, 2016 at 10:19 pm
Thank you, Amor!
He sent me a text message today (day 15 of NC) saying that he just wanted to know how I am and that my profile pic is AWESOME! I didn’t reply and I don’t plan to. Just 8 hours later he writes me another message saying that he hopes that I am fine and the emoji with the kissing heart. I am not replying. I think, he is testing now if he still is in control and can activate me whenever he wishes to.
R
November 15, 2016 at 2:57 am
Thanks a lot!
My birthday would be on the 40th day of NC if I extend the 30 day – NC – rule. Should I really ignore him that day?
I see your point, and I also see his worries of everything going where it has gone before and didn’t work out.
I am not sure if he thinks that me changing myself only happens to get him back because I sort off accepted the break up. He messaged me some months after to tell me that he can’t stop thinking about me .. but he wasn’t able to really commit or work for it in two months, when I’d be ready to work things out and now he asked for a month of no-contact.
Thanks again 🙂
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 15, 2016 at 12:07 pm
Yeah, you have to ignore it.. I know it’s hard but here’s why:
EBR 057: Birthdays And The No Contact Rule
R
November 9, 2016 at 11:09 pm
I forgot to mention that we broke off for one time about 4 years ago and managed to get back together after a month or two.
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 13, 2016 at 1:56 pm
Hi R ,
there’s no guarantee that the no contact rule will work but like what he said, he thinks it might go back to the way things were which also means he still sees the old you..yeah, you’re changing which is good but I think he can see that it’s just to get him back.. You have to genuinely change and look like you’re moving on. Especially that this already happened before and it’s like a pattern that you agreed to talk again after a month. I think you should extend to 45 days..
Sam
November 9, 2016 at 6:17 pm
My ex and I broke up about almost a month ago. I broke up with him because he had been pulling away for about a month or so previous to the break up. He is joining the military, actually left for boot camp today. When we started talking we took things slow because there is a major difference in our age, 20 years apart. I am older and never would have even pursued him but he was consistent and genuinely very kind and charming. We dated for about 5 months and he moved in with me. I have kids that are not too far from him age and I think that once he moved in with me, which was his idea, he started to feel differently. He always told me he didn’t want kids but my kids. But he seemed to be okay with things at first. In the beginning of our relationship he always made me feel beautiful and took me out several times a week, wrote me love letter and gave me little gifts often. That lasted for about a month after he moved in and then things seemed to fizzle. It was also getting closer to the time for him to leave for the military. He started spending more and more time with his friends and wanting to stay at the firehouse where he volunteered. He would stay there a couple times a week and then he suggested that he stay there permanently because he wasn’t comfortable around my kids and thought him being there was interfering with my relationship with them. He started going out quite a bit with his friends and his communication with me started to dwindle. I did not chase him and I gave him his space, allowing him to message me when he wanted to see me. I did not have sex with him every time I saw him either as I did not want that type of relationship. We had plans to go on a vacation with my family during this time. All of his clothes were still at my place so I messaged him to find out when he was going to pack and he said he would come over the night before we left. He never did so I messaged him that night and asked him when he was going to pack since we were leaving for the airport at 5am. he said he would be there at 4:15 am. He never came. I called and called and he never answered. I went to where he was and rang the bell for about 10 minutes and he finally came. He was mad at me. He was drunk. HE packed and we left. I tried not to argue as I did not want this to be a stressful time for either of us. Of course we had a great time and we talked about us one night. He said his feelings for me have changed. And I was fine and accepting of that. I did not push him at all. I did not quite understand what that meant and tried to figure that out, if was attraction and he said no, some of is the fact that the life he is choosing isn’t fair to me and he couldn’t ask me to be and take me away from my family. Which I am planning on moving away regardless if it is with him or not. I told him that as well. We did not have sex the trip so far. A couple days later I spent the day away from him with some family. In the evening he met up with us and he professed his love for me and how much he wanted to work on things and have a future with me, etc. He wanted to be intimate that night but he was drunk and I thought it would best to wait. So the next day he was still saying the same things so we ended up having sex. It felt like he was back to where he was before. We had a great couple of days and the night befire we were leaving I asked what is going to happen when we get back. How are things going to be different? How are we going to prevent your feelings from changing again. He said well my feelings have changed. I asked him what that meant and he said he can’t explain it and he is done talking about it. I got pissed! I felt used and that he just said all that stuff to me to have sex. I told him that and I told him I will never trust him again. He tried talking to me and I told him not to talk. I went to sleep. The next morning he asked if he could talk. He said again that he does love me and wants to be with me. We talked a little and things were fine. We planned on him staying with me two days a week and us seeing each other a few days a week so that he could have time with his friends before he left in a month. We got home at 1:30 am from this vacation and he decided to go stay at the firehouse. I was upset but I didn’t make a big deal about it. I didn’t hear much from him the next day. A few messages here and there. I decided I was not going to put up with this anymore so I messaged him that I needed to talk. He came over and I told him I wasn’t happy with this anymore and wasn’t going to do it. He said okay and apologized, gave me a hug, pretended to cry a little bit and left. We didn’t talk much in three weeks other than to arrange for him to get him things. I did message him at one point and tell him that I felt like he used me and that things could have worked with the life he chose because honestly he doesn’t know what that is going to be like for sure any way and I feel him saying that was just an excuse. He said me talking that day was not going to make me any happier and if I didn’t have anything nice to say to just not message him. I agreed and told him I wasn’t going to let it bother me and I needed to just let him go and that I want what is best for him and if that is his friends then that is what I want. The last time he came to get his stuff he left some things so I messaged him and asked him what he was going to do with it, He said he left it for me because he thought I could use it. This was now 6 days before he was supposed to leave. I asked him when he was leaving and he told me. I had planned to go out of town that weekend so I told him that and asked if he wanted to see me at all before he left and if he would keep in touch when he is gone. He sent me a long message about what a special person I am and that he will write when he gets the chance and that he left a letter for me but it’s not a good idea to see each other before he leaves. He said he never meant to hurt me loved seeing me so happy at the beginning and that he wished he had been more responsible in his decision making and that all he wanted was a relationship with me (meaning he didn’t take advantage or use me) a smile on my face and for me to feel good about myself. He apologized for things not working out and hopes that I find happiness. I responded by saying he didn’t need to apologize and that I wanted him to be happy that’s why I let him go and that I will be a source of encouragement and support for him while he is gone if he wants it and that I agreed we weren’t meant for eachother and that I car about him and cherish what we had. Also that my happiness doesn’t come from another person and that I am happy. He said he had a hard time getting through the break up and never expected me to understand and he knows it was the best decision and that we would talk again before he left. That was Friday and I did not respond. Well, he left today. We did not talk before he left. I never saw the letter he said he was leaving for me. I am so heartbroken and have so many mixed thoughts and feelings. I sent him a text explaining why I broke up with him and that felt like i needed to allow him to be with his friends before he left and I that I know my value and I want someone who will fight for me and not be okay with me walking away. I was completely open and said that this has been hard on me and it hurts because I wanted to be there for him through this time. I also told him I wanted him to write me while he was away and that if he doesn’t I want him to know that I will be praying for him and cheering for him. I also said that I know he has a lot of support and doesn’t need me but I am here if he wants me. I sent the message and it didn’t deliver. Maybe his phone is suspended or he blocked me. I copied the message into an email and told him that I texted him and I thought maybe his phone was already suspended and I felt like I needed to say this to him before he left that is why I emailed as well.
So how bad did I screw up? What should I do now? He will be gone for two months with no means of communication. I know you are going to say work on yourself which I am going to do and I am usually very good at walking away and holding myself together I just think knowing that I won’t hear from him for two months and that me walking away has had no effect on him is what is bothering me so much. Do you have any suggestions? Do you think he is really done with us and I should just move on?
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 12, 2016 at 6:34 pm
Hi Sam,
He already made a decision. Yes, you should move on. He’s ignoring you now, so that you can move on.