Today we’re going to talk about one of my favorite topics. Understanding why male dumpers always seem to come back after they break up with you.
Specifically, I’m going to show you why there might be some real life psychology behind this phenomenon. If you stick around until the end of this article we’re going to cover,
- How this phenomenon has presented among our success stories
- Understanding how the avoidant mentality plays into the phenomenon
- The importance of projecting that you’re moving on
Again, this is one of my favorite topics so I intend to cover every base of this.
The “Male Dumpers Coming Back” Phenomenon
In 2019 the ex recovery coaches and I decided to put a lot more focus on understanding our success stories by answering one fundamental question.
What made the successful people so successful?
You may have noticed that we’ve done a lot more success story interviews since 2019 and that’s because we really wanted to understand what was working for people.
What shocked me was how often the following phenomenon would exhibit itself.
Male dumpers tended to come back at the point that our clients wanted to move on from them.
If you want to get really technical about this I learned of this phenomenon from one of our very first podcast episodes. I was contacted by a woman named Natalie who found herself in the following situation.
Her ex broke up with her two years ago
- In that two years she had started her own business, began dating again and eventually moved past the breakup
- Right when she does all this her ex starts reaching out to her congratulating her
- When she was with him she kind of didn’t do a good job of having her own life/going out with friends.
- So, now that she does “have her own life” he has started finding her attractive again.
Well, as it turns out we have noticed a similar phenomenon happening across all of our success stories. Sometimes the phenomenon isn’t as pronounced as you see here in Natalie’s case but remnants of it persist and permeate throughout our success stories situations.
Of course you can imagine how difficult something like this was to take on faith for many of our clients when we would explain it to them.
“Sure, get your own life and he’ll come back” doesn’t quite cut it when you can’t explain the psychological reasons for why it’s working.
It wasn’t until we started diving into the latest research on avoidants that we began to dissect why this phenomenon occurs so often.
Understanding How The Avoidant Mentality Plays Into It
I know I say this a lot in my blog posts and many people have called me out for being repetitive but most of our clients have anxious attachment styles while most of their exes tend to have avoidant attachment styles.
In fact, according to a poll of our private facebook support group, 85% of participants classified their exes as having insecure type of attachment styles with some type of avoidant tendency.
If you aren’t familiar with why it’s important to learn everything you can about avoidant attachment styles if you’re going through a breakup you should probably take a moment to read the latest batch of articles I’ve released which focus on it specifically,
- Understanding if fearful avoidants will regret a breakup
- Wondering if fearful avoidants ever come back after a breakup?
- Understanding why avoidants ignore you
- How to handle being dumped by a fearful avoidant
Probably the biggest insight I can leave you with is that an avoidant will typically have a different romantic language in which they operate with than you are used to dealing with. Therefore if you are trying to speak to the avoidant without knowing exactly what strings to pull you’re not going to get through to them.
So, what are some of these universal truths you need to grasp with avoidants?
Yearning For “Lost Loves” Is Baked Into An Avoidants DNA
There’s a lot to cover when it comes to understanding an avoidant.
This recent YouTube video I filmed does a pretty good job summarizing the points I’m about to make in case you don’t want to read the rest of this article.
Someone with an avoidant personality is always going to try to operate with one foot in and one foot out. This is often why you experience these “hot” and “cold” moments throughout the relationship.
You see, at the heart of every avoidant lies a paradox. On a deep level they want love but they’re too scared to let anyone close enough to give them that love.
And so what you tend to find with avoidants is this longing for a “great love” and they measure everyone up against this built up love they have in their heads and you won’t believe what happens when the person they are measuring up against the “great love” is found wanting.
(Well, maybe you can guess but I’m building it up for dramatic effect.)
They end up using that as an excuse to leave but them leaving isn’t the point I’m trying to cover here. They have this set up in their heads as a coping mechanism. As a way of holding out for a greater love and making sure they don’t have to let anyone close.
I often point to the scene from 500 days of summer to illustrate this point.
In it, you have Tom who desperately wants to win Summer back. While I wouldn’t classify Tom as having an avoidant personality (Summer definitely has avoidant traits) the fantasy he perpetrates in his head in the scene above is a little like how an avoidant will look at that love not yet gained.
It’s important to understand this concept for an avoidant because it helps you understand that there is always a point in which an avoidant will look back at their past relationships with longing.
The Avoidant Will Have Nostalgia Only When They Feel Safe
To date my favorite YouTube video I’ve ever recorded dealt with the building blocks for making an avoidant miss you.
In the video I talk about this phenomenon of an avoidant who looks back at past relationships with a yearning only when they feel safe to.
What makes an avoidant feel safe?
- They don’t think you would ever ask for them back
- There’s no chance of a commitment
- You’ve moved on to someone else
- They’ve moved on to someone else
Only when they feel “safe” will they start to think back on those positive memories to create that nostalgic reverie.
All of a sudden the phenomenon I talked about at the beginning with the podcast participant, Natalie, begins to make a lot more sense. Factor in the fact that it’s only after my clients felt that once they had given up on trying to get their exes back that their exes suddenly came back and we finally have some clear cut answers on what’s going on here.
Yet most of our clients fail because they aren’t willing to risk “moving on” or “giving up” which if you think of it further perpetrates the anxious behaviors that led to the demise of the relationship in the first place.
You Are The Jailer And The Relationship Is The Jail
This is an extreme analogy but I think it will perfectly illustrate the point I’m trying to make on why so many of our clients fail to get their exes back.
I put a graphic of a poll up above talking about how most of our clients have avoidant exes. While that remains true what I didn’t really talk about was the fact that most of our clients tend to have anxious attachment styles and the anxious behaviors they exhibit both during and after their relationships can paint them as jailers to the avoidant party.
One interesting thing to note about folks with avoidant attachment styles is that upon the ending of a relationship there is an initial euphoria release.
You know who also says that?
People who escape jail!
The avoidant will have built the commitment of a relationship up in their heads as if it’s a jail and you are the jailer.
The mistake most of our clients make is they allow their anxious attachment style tendencies to take over post breakup and further remind their avoidant exes that they are the jailers.
- They beg for them back
- Promise they’ll be better
- Buy them gifts
- Show up at their work unannounced
- Try to get their friends to pass messages
- Leave a note on their windshield
- Throw tantrums and immediately apologize
All of this behavior just reinforces the exes decision to leave. It also shows their ex that they are still hung up on them.
The thing that our successful clients have figured out is they need to adopt more secure behaviors. In fact, some go as far as literally just trying to get over their exes and this allows the avoidant to relax.
It gives the avoidant the safety to grieve the breakup.
To remember the good times.
To build it up in their head as this “golden age.” We know from our research that what attracts the avoidant more than anything else is the ungettable love. So, it’s completely on brand for them to be open to reconnection when they’ve built your time together as this amazing nostalgic time.
That’s when they let you close and that’s why our most successful clients have gotten to this place emotionally where they’re ok with not getting their exes back.
So, Do Male Dumpers Always Come Back?
Anyone who deals in absolutes when it comes to romance is probably lying to you. Here’s what I will say though.
We’ve seen a lot of male dumpers come back when they’ve seen their partners exhibit healthy behaviors like trying to get over them.
But it’s not always as simple as having the male dumper ask for them back. In 90% of our successes our clients have had to reach out and move up the value chain with their exes first.
That’s on brand with what we know to be true about avoidants. They don’t like reaching out first because they’re afraid of getting wrecked emotionally above all. Yet the one crucial element that’s present within almost every success story is this personal growth to the point that our clients aren’t sure they want their exes back anymore.
If you haven’t gotten to that place emotionally.
Then that’s always the first place to start.