What To Do If You Had Sex With The Ex? Make Them Want You

187 thoughts on “What To Do If You Had Sex With Your Ex?”

Dezz

May 14, 2019 at 3:45 am

I been in an off and on relationship with my ex for 7 years. We had broken off our relationship 7 months ago because of trust issues and it’s the longest we been split up. In March he reached out to me. He said he missed me and not long after we got intimate. We been intimate since then seeing each other every other week. However he still messages me here and there but he also told me he likes someone at his job. I still wish him and I could reconcile but I’m not sure it’s going to go that way because he also has eyes for someone else now. What should I do from here on out? I’ve stopped bothering to talk to him but It’s been really hurting my heart past few days.
geliki

May 13, 2019 at 4:51 pm

Merhaba from Istanbul Chris,
Im an American expat in my 40s and never thought I would need “coaching” as I thought I had seen and played every move out there. I live abroad and the dating culture here is different. Ive almost read every article on your website. I agree with all your insight however my situation was only touched on here and that is the breakup of a short term relationship.

Long story short I dated a guy here for about 1.5 months and during that time i had a death in the family back in the states, death of an animal, and the threat of job loss due to economy here. I was very anxious during this time and pushed him away even blocking for one day perceived misunderstanding. After that a weeks later we had words again and he blocked me in total anger calling me names.

You see I had not slept with him during our time together. I move slowly in that direction due to cultural differences in addition to my own emotional temperature.

I waited about 2 weeks and sent a letter to him through a friend apologizing for my anxiety during those days I experienced those events. Because we were a new item so to speak I had not really told him so much so I can understand how I could appear unstable to a person that didnt know me. I ended the letter just with thanking him for understanding and no expectations. I am not one to beg and done need to be sure. I do however own my mistakes and my actions so I thought it was best to apologize. He rejected the apology telling my friend he will never speak to me again. So I just let it go. I had already knew about no contact so I just lived my life. Istanbul is huge ( 20 million) so little chance of paths crossing.

Well three months after I notice I am unblocked as I was cleaning out my contacts on my full storage. I saw his photo on whatsapp and realized this…I didnt say anything. I was then prompted to look at social media and he had also unblocked me there. I didnt show knowledge and there were great photos of me having fun with the girls here. Finally after another few weeks I sent an icebreaker to his whatsapp and wrote “wow you look different” ..he replied “yep” and I just have a thumbs up. End of contact for me. I am not into a man that isnt into me and I moved on to many nice dates. I have the abundance attitude be sure so Im not broken but I am confused…

Heres why…He started contacting me again. I was nice and upbeat as really thats how I felt. He wanted to see me again but work didnt allow. He asked again and I was available so he came and we had coffee. After coffee we came to my home to sit on my upper floor terrace to view the city.

He started the talk and asked me if i had dated anyone, how did I find dating, how did I like the men? Were they better than him? I was a bit surprised… I told him I had many dates and they were nice. I told him i had interesting conversations and some boring ones. I said basically I have no complaints…dating was fun but hanging out with other expats was better. I didn’t however ask him anything about his personal life. I was in a happy mood for many reasons and yes one was seeing him again after thinking that chapter was closed.

Ill just expedite this to say he wanted to sit near me stating that in our previous (pre anger blocked ) time we were not physical at all. I told him I appreciated that he was a gentleman. However one seemingly innocent thing let to another and well…there was a first (maybe last) of fireworks. Im sure you get my drift. Afterwards he and I went to my terrace where he smoked and I stared at the stars. He asked me what I was thinking. I responded “I feel good now”. He then said I feel regretful. Ii was calm but I was like “pardon?” He said yes because I dont know how I feel “, I was thinking wow ok but I was calm and I said” ok but why do you feel regretful, do you have a gf or something.” He said “yes I am seeing someone and I feel like I need a few days to think”…Chris seriously I was a bit surprised but cool as i myself did not intend to move fast. I like my survivor mode. I told him “ok do what makes you happy and if we dont see each other again thanks for you unspoken apology in blocking me and reaching out to check on me.” I said farewell….I feel melancholy now. I didn’t feel regretful then as yes I know its a different religious culture (however many including him are not religious here) but i was a single woman with a man I wanted and well a man I want isn’t something Ive sen in almost a year.

So today I am blocked on instagram…of course i never told him i realised he unblocked me there but i wander if I overlooked the gf thing as really I didn’t seriously stalked.

I guess I really messed up….

Your thoughts?

Chris Seiter

May 13, 2019 at 9:20 pm

Often you can improve your chances, even after setbacks, with a sensible strategy going forward. So I encourage you to take a deeper dive into my Program as I offer a lot of solutions and resources that can be of help, even for cases with a lot of complexity.

Gretchen

April 7, 2019 at 9:36 pm

Hi, me & my bf have been together for 9 mths & totally in love. He had even mentioned marriage. After bout 6 mths he grew distant although we still talked everyday w/it being less & less.
Finally he admitted that he was scared & wants to protect his heart. He feels that marriage is coming closer. I reassured him we could date for years. He was the one mentioning marriage in the first place. His ex wife really did a number on her w/her lies and betrayal. He thinks if she could trick him, anyone could. That marriage has been over for 7 years. We both dearly love each other.
We arent officially a couple now but still been out on dates here & there. Now it’s pretty constant texting & he is starting to flirt again & back to asking me to please be careful when I go places just like it used to be. He even mentioned something about another guy which is only a friend, like he was lil jealous…which he hasn’t in a LONG time. Never does a day go by that we dont talk. Do you think my patience during this time is allowing him to see I do love him and not out to hurt him & he can trust me with his heart again?
I know I’m not going out with anyone & wont. We are texting each other for hrs when we aren’t at work so I know he’s not either. I haven’t done anything crazy & giving him time. I feel he is slowly realizing I’m genuine, love him, & will be around for the long haul.
I would appreciate your feedback. Thank you!
Andrea

March 31, 2019 at 9:43 pm

Hi, I have been with my ex for about one year! We lived together, we had good and bad times like every other couple. We work together, the nc rule didn’t really work because we directly have to work with each other. Two days ago we had sex and he was great but since then he’s very distant, I don’t know what to do I want him back….
Leone

March 20, 2019 at 9:11 pm

Hey,
I don’t know if you will read or respond to this. I need a bit of help. I’m the needy guy who was broken up with. After a month of no contact I manage to get two dates with my ex. The first one we kissed and the second one we had sex in my car. I don’t know if this makes a difference but the sex was insane. During the two dates, she flat told me she misses me and wants me. After we had sex, she didn’t contact me at all, on the 8th day of her not reaching out to me. I felt insecure and hit her up asking to hang out. At first she said yes but right before getting her she cancelled on me. I asked if later during that night would be more convenient, but she already had “plans”. I can’t reach out to her again because then I would look needy. I guess the only thing I have left is just to move on?
Sairah

March 13, 2019 at 7:43 pm

We had relation for 3 years nd after that i moved with other guy. We already had physical relation. And after 6 years he called me and we talked friendly. He asked me to visit him at his house. Things from normal got romantic n i slept vd him. N after that it was me to call him ist. But after that he showed no concern. I want him back in relation and after meeting it was only him I loved truly. Please suggest me what should I do to get him back and forever.
Mary

March 12, 2019 at 5:19 pm

Me and my ex was together for 3 years before he broke up with me 2 months ago, saying he wasn’t happy and wasn’t IN love with me but still loved and cared for me and said he wanted to be friends. At first I begged for him back, then I did no contact and he would message me randomly and be angry at me for going on dates. I started to move on but then we began speaking again briefly. A week ago he came to my house to bring me the last of my belongings. He asked if I’m ok, he complimented me and asked if I was dating anyone else. Then he kissed me and we had sex. After the sex I asked him if he has moved on he said no and then he left. He didn’t contact me at all after so I sent him a video of my cat which he responded to and I asked him if we could see each other, he said ‘if you like x’ .The next night he went out drunk and started typing to me on snapchat but didn’t send anything. I text him asking if we could see each other again and I think he made an excuse saying he has to be on standby for his job this week. What does this mean? I want to see each other again and hopefully get back together. What should I do and do you think there is a chance ?

Chris Seiter

March 12, 2019 at 8:32 pm

Hi Mary!So maybe its to soon to try a full fledged No Contact approach, even though his behavior has been less than stellar. Perhaps just pull back a few days or more and see how he responds. You should give careful consideration to my Program in the event you need to step up your strategy!

Mary

March 12, 2019 at 5:15 pm

Me and my ex was together for 3 years before he broke up with me 2 months ago, saying he wasn’t happy and wasn’t IN love with me but still loved and cared for me and said he wanted to be friends. At first I begged for him back, then I did no contact and he would message me randomly and be angry at me for going on dates. I started to move on but then we began speaking again briefly. A week ago he came to my house to bring me the last of my belongings. He asked if I’m ok, he complimented me and asked if I was dating anyone else. I said it doesn’t matter because it doesn’t change how I feel. Then he kissed me and we had sex. After the sex I asked him if he has moved on he said no and then he left. He didn’t contact me at all after so I sent him a video of my cat which he responded to and I asked him if we could see each other, he said ‘if you like x’ .The next night he went out drunk and started typing to me on snapchat but didn’t send anything. I began to miss him and feel heartbreak again so I text him asking if we could see each other again and he made an excuse saying he has to be on standby for his job this week. What does this mean? I want to see each other again and hopefully get back together. What should I do and do you think there is a chance ?

Chris Seiter

March 12, 2019 at 8:35 pm

Hi Mary! So 3 years is some meaningful time and that investment in each other usually puts down some roots which can play to your advantage in the future in unseen ways. As I mentioned earlier, just give it some space and time and see how he responds.

Dawn

March 8, 2019 at 6:37 pm

Hey Chris,
I’m hoping you can shed some light on my current dilemma. My ex and I broke up three months ago. Communication has been very hot and cold. He chased me for a year before we actually dated. I broke up with him because I wasn’t getting what I needed. He recently came by my place to “test the waters I guess”. We slept together, obviously. He has told me he missed me and we both obviously still have feelings for each other but I need an actual commitment.

Chris Seiter

March 8, 2019 at 10:43 pm

Hi Dawn! So just think in terms of little step and build in some tactics that causes him to bite. Take a look at picking up my Program if you have not had a chance. Perhaps some very subtle jealousy ploys could also help. He needs to be reminded you have value beyond his own interest.

Keisha

March 3, 2019 at 9:15 pm

Well I was in a relationship for 6 months I got pregnant my ex wanted to marry me but he broke up with me after my miscarriage, we have been apart for 4 months we had sex four weeks ago.
We didn’t talk about it. We have communicated in this four weeks.
Unfortunately we had sex today.
What should I do

Chris Seiter

March 4, 2019 at 3:46 am

Hi Keisha…so what is the status of the relationship now…was their some discussion of next steps?

Haley

February 22, 2019 at 5:20 am

Hello,
My ex and I recently began talking and hanging out because he wanted to remain friends, I wanted no part in being friends right after he broke up with me. I was very frustrated with the way he ended everything . After some time passed I decided to see if we could be friends. Each time we hung out I made sure I would keep my distance on the couch or leave if I thought things would go further. This night, I knew better when he offered to rub my back that had been hurting and at first I declined, just to give in an hour later. I had every intention on telling him that I do not sleep with “friends” I had it all played out in my mind. Unfortunately the touch if someone again made me forget everything I had planned to say. I knew instantly it was wrong and had to not allow myself to fall for him again, so after the sex I immediately jumped up and excused myself to get dressed. Retrieved my jacket and purse and told him it’s late and I needed to get home. I kissed him on the cheek and left. I’m afraid he probably thinks that we are friends with benefits now, how do I explain that I am not interested in that without him perceiving that as I want a relationship . I dont want him to think that because he will just break my heart again and then in the end he has broken up with me twice and frankly I don’t want to give him that satisfaction. I want him to want me, so that he knows what it feels like to not be wanted in return. I kmow it sounds childish however I believe it would help me have closure that he knows how it feels. So how do I respond to him now, do I wait for him to call or text and blow him off or do I act like we are just friends and tell him it was a mistake to sleep together. Honestly I’m not a vengeful person but I believe I was looking for closure on why it ended only to realize I will never receive a reason from him.
Ghanisht Kapoor

January 19, 2019 at 8:10 pm

So my ex of 1.5yrs and I slept together.She said everything is fine. But now she’s blocked me from social media. So what does it mean and what do I do, please help. No contact rule is not possible as we’re in the same class

Chris Seiter

January 20, 2019 at 5:10 pm

Perhaps limited no contact

Elizabeth

January 15, 2019 at 12:34 am

I am so confused. My ex and I dated for 8 months before he said he just wanted to be friends again because he said he felt I had emotionally and physically neglected him. He is affectionate and physical in his way of showing love and that is what he needs in love. I was away for weeks at a time throughout the entire time of our relationship and agree that because of the distance I wasn’t fair to him and I relationship, I have changed this and am no longer traveling like I was. We are trying to be friends and then I did the no contact for about a month. He sent me a text telling me happy birthday. Unfortunately, I was feeling down and asked if he would be willing to us another chance on my birthday, he said no he was trying to more on. So I continued with the no contact for several more weeks until all of our friends got together. We are all dancers and we went out dancing. He and I ended I up dancing super sexy and flirting, the chemistry was amazing. Afterwards I ended up asked him to hang out which ended up leading to hooking up. He invited me out the next day and we ended up hooking up again. He said that he would like to keep it causal and still see me, but like to keep it open for both of us to see other people. He also asked me about the other guys I had been talking to during our split. He was shocked that I had been talking to other guys and that I had asked him to hang out. I really want him back and take responsibility for the reasons I caused in our split in the first place. What does it mean when he says that he wants to causally see me, but does not want anything serious? Should I continue to sleep with him, but just not be so available? One of his complains when we split was that I wasn’t there for him enough physically because I was away so much. Will keeping it causal help reignite his interest?
Ghanisht Kapoor

January 14, 2019 at 3:59 pm

So my ex of 1.5yrs and I slept together yesterday mutually. She said everything is fine. But now she’s blocked me from social media. So what does it mean and what do I do, please help. No contact rule is not possible as we’re in the same class.
Shannon

January 9, 2019 at 11:02 pm

Wow this was spot on lol. I slept with my ex after being apart 2 years. He actually found me on a dating site 4 months ago and we have been in contact texting and calling each other since. Mostly him calling me if I’m honest. We went on a “date” drank far too much and ended up in bed. Straight after I rang a taxi and left. I wasn’t intentionally playing it cool I really didn’t have an interest in pursuing anything further. So I didn’t contact him. He didn’t contact me. For for two days. Now it’s texts and calls all the time, all from his side. But had this been 2 years ago it would certainly have been a role reversal and I would be pursuing him.

Chris Seiter

January 10, 2019 at 1:46 am

Thanks Shannon…sounds like you are a cool cat.

Mark

January 8, 2019 at 4:40 pm

Me and my ex were together for a year and a half, broke up for 2 years and then got back together for another 7 months. We broke up a couple months ago bc I cheated, I know it’s my fault and I’m not making any excuses that is isn’t, but I am still in love with her and can’t get her off my mind. We text when we have to, and she’s called me when she was drunk a few times but I didn’t answer. She called about a month ago saying she has been depressed, lonely, and felt lost since we broke up. We hung out recently bc I wanted to talk since I still love her, we ended up hanging out for about 4 hours and had sex. We laughed and joked with each other and held each other for a little with nothing on watching tv. She said she doesn’t want to get back together and doesn’t have any feelings for me, but I can’t tell if she really means that because of everything that’s happened. I would appreciate your thoughts.

Chris Seiter

January 8, 2019 at 11:15 pm

Hi Mark…It seems to me your ex does have feelings for you, but she may not yet be in full touch with all that is going on inside her. I think the Being There method may be a pragmatic way forward. Its keeping the connection open and trying to create positive moments without crowding her. Being supportive. Slowly allowing the trust to return and building value along the way.

Radka

November 14, 2018 at 1:23 pm

I slept with my ex…he broke up with me for good in may. Then he wrote me in august, I ignored him the first time. He wrote me again and we ended up talking that entire evening. I stopped replying the day after. He wrote me again 3 weeks later and we were texting a lot, mostly about life and work and school. We were joking a lot, he was friendly and nice. Whenever I stopped replying he wrote me again with some weird excuses. Once he was sending me some link, once asking about a dog I was dogsitting. He kept asking if he could meet that dog and so. I said yes sure cayse I thought I could be a great opportunity for us to hang out. I stopped seeing the dog and told me ex ans he said he would like to see me anyways and was flirting with me and it ended up with dirty talk then. He came last Sunday, we were watching movies, cuddled, kissed and we had sex. I know it was stupid of me but I was so happy yo have him next to me that is blocked my rational thinking. He stayed after sec and we cuddled and talked. He wrote me in the morning. We talked a bit but he stopped replying so I panicked and wrote him again. we just talked about the movie we watched and then I stopped replying and rn I am super lost. I wanr him back, but have I killed my chances by sleeping with him?
I didn’t reply just to see if he might contact me again. So far he hasn’t..:
Martha

October 25, 2018 at 7:42 pm

Hey me and my ex broke up about 5 month ago from a 7year relationship .. all because of his family..he lives in London and I’m in Poole .. I went to London to visit my best friend and I bumped into him! We decided to meet and then we had sex! I left the next morning to travel back home .. all of my feelings have came back and I can’t stop thinking about him 🙁 so I text him putting it all on the table basically asking to start over.. his reply was I’m sorry love but I’m still not over you to get back into it all .. maybe at a different date. So I’ve bloked him for my own sake .. will I ever get him back?

Chris Seiter

October 25, 2018 at 8:06 pm

Hi Martha!

Well first of all, 7 years counts for a lot and that kind of traction of being together that long should pay dividends. Maybe its best to initiate No Contact. Have you tried that? Do you understand how all the elements of that process works? Feel free to pick up my book or explore my site for more insights!

Teresa

October 14, 2018 at 12:10 pm

Hi! My ex boyfriend and I were together for 5 months, we broke up on good terms, still had some activities together when we were sepparated. I was out of the country for a couple of months and now, after 6 months we saw each other, instantly felt a connection and slept together, and it was as good as always, for a moment it felt like nothing has changed. I spent the night over, just like a usual night. But I feel like he just wants to sleep around more.. We are kind of ignoring each other now. I don’t even know if I want something from him, I’m just confused..

Chris Seiter

October 14, 2018 at 9:17 pm

Hi Teresa!

If you are confused, take a step back and take some quiet time for yourself. See how he responds, if he chases. Then take small steps
Chris Seiter

October 14, 2018 at 9:17 pm

Hi Teresa!

If you are confused, take a step back and take some quiet time for yourself. See how he responds, if he chases. Then take small steps

Jenny

September 5, 2018 at 6:05 pm

Ugh I had sex with my ex. He broke up with me cause we were always arguing and couldn’t get along. It was my dumb idea to have sex Nd he even said “I feel like this is going to make things harder” and now it’s true I feel that chest pain all over again and embarrassed/guilty. We broke up about 2 weeks ago and have 2 children together so I can’t NOT TALK to him in a sense. What should I do

Chris Seiter

September 6, 2018 at 3:58 am

Hi Jenny….its OK. That happens all the time with couples trying to find their way. Limited contact may be the way to go. Take a look at my program as it should help you with this whole process.

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187 thoughts on “What To Do If You Had Sex With Your Ex?”