I’ll never forget the very first time that I got a comment on this website.
It went a little something like,
Chris, my god I need your help so badly… My breakup is absolutely consuming me. What can I do to get my ex back?
Now, upon receiving my very first comment I did two things,
Thing #1 = Happy Dance
Which was immediately followed by thing two,
Thing #2 = Figuring Out Exactly What This Person Should Do
It’s not as easy as it seems, you know!
I mean, if you actually look online for help you’ll be immediately greeted with a zillion diffent results of men and women complaining that their breakup doesn’t feel real or that their breakup has ruined their life.
But you know the most bizarre thing?
It’s the fact that the internet is filled with people who like to get off on complaining but don’t offer any actionable advice that can help you.
So, here was this person coming to my website, which is supposed to have all the answers on breakups, and yet I was at a loss on what to do. Heck, everyone was at a loss on what to do.
Luckily, that was over half a decade ago and I have since come up with a very effective strategy that can help you if you feel your breakup is killing you.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizThe Strategy In A Nutshell
A few years ago I put together a pretty handy little video that taught people the basics of getting an ex back (since it is what I am kind of known for,)
And I am certainly going to teach you about that today but I am not necessarily sure that, that is why you are here.
You see, the way I see it is that you are at a crossroads right now.
You are obviously in a lot of pain and your breakup is probably consuming your every thought. Hell, it’s probably gotten so bad that you wake up with crusty eyes from crying all night and I want you to know that I get it.
I have been a professional breakup consultant for half a decade and have seen some very upsetting things in my time.
I’ve seen human beings on the brink of depression, on the brink of suicide for goodness sake.
I’ve seen girlfriends stalk their boyfriends and boyfriends stalk their girlfriends.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizHeartbreak has a way of bringing the crazy out of all of us.
I want you to know that I understand exactly what you are going through which is why it’s important for you to listen to what I have to say next.
Right now you have a choice to make.
Try to move on
Or
Try to get your ex back
Now, some people can’t stand choices like this, my wife is certainly like this.
When I first met her she kept telling me this really weird anecdote on how she had commitment problems with her cell phone,
“There are just so many choices out there. I never knew if I made the right one.”
I’m sure you have a little of that in you right now since one moment you are going from this state where you feel like you can’t even eat and the next you are filled with this hope.
Almost like a pendulum swinging back and forth.
From hope to despair…
So, I am going to open up my process for you so you can actually gain some insight into if your ex is even worth getting back.
The Three Most Important Factors That Will Tell You If Your Ex Is Worth Your Time
If you didn’t already know, I am a professional relationship consultant specializing in breakups.
To date, I have coached hundreds of clients over the phone and help thousands repair their relationships through this website. Now, with all the people I have ever worked with or helped there seems to be one common thread that connects them.
You see, everyone always asks me,
Chris, is this even worth it? Am I just wasting my time?
And I think that is where you should start if you find that your breakup has become unbearable.
Instead of going through this internal monologue where you go all in on getting him back one moment and the next moment you feel sick from the breakup lets tackle this by actually giving you a rough idea on if you eve have a realistic shot at salvaging things.
With every coaching client I have the pleasure of speaking to I run them through a little exercise that I frame like this,
“Ok, so I want you to know that I am not psychic and I can’t tell you with certainty what your chances are but I can tell you the general trend I can see your situation going in. I can tell you in broad terms where you fall.”
In other words, I can tell you if,
- You have a good chance
- You have an average chance
- You have a low chance
Now, quick question.
Where in this little scale do you think most of my clients fall?
…..
…..
…..
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizMost of them actually fall in the average and low chance categories. In fact, I think I have only ever had five clients that I classified as having a good chance which isn’t a lot when you consider the amount of volume I work with.
(Oh, and all of the good chance people got their exes back if you are wondering. Now, whether they stayed with that ex is a story for another time.)
Now, I do feel it is really important to mention that just because most of my clients fall in the average to low chance categories doesn’t necessarily mean they can’t get their exes back. On the contrary, with my strategies they can actually substantially raise their chances it’s just that their starting point is not as ideal as I’d like it to be.
But I’m getting off topic.
So, now that you have a general idea of the “chances categories” let’s talk a bit about how to determine which category you fall into.
There are three factors I tend to look at.
- What your relationship was like before the breakup
- What you did during the breakup
- What you have done after the breakup
Ideally you’d like to see two of these three factors working in your favor to be placed in “the good chance” and I am going to outline how to rank well in each of these factors.
What Was Your Relationship Like Before The Breakup?
To me this is actually the factor that you need to pay the most attention to.
Why?
Well, because contrary to popular belief the battle for getting an ex back doesn’t happen in the things you say or do. It happens internally in your exes head when they are determining on if you are worth getting back or not.
You see, if they close their eyes and think back to your relationship and come up with specific reasons for why they shouldn’t get back with you this creates specific headwind that is always going to be there.
Almost always this “headwind” is determined by the things you did in your previous relationship that they didn’t like.
I’ll give you an extreme example.
Lets assume that you cheated on your ex a lot throughout your previous relationship and they knew about it. Well, wouldn’t it make sense that when you are beginning to reconnect with your ex and they are determining if they should give you another shot they are going to look back at your past relationship with them and think,
Damn, I am in love with them but they cheated on me so many times I don’t know if I am willing to put myself through that again…
In other words, what you did in your past relationship definitely impacts your overall chances of getting your ex back.
Hmm…
Perhaps I should put this in a different way.
Ok, lets pretend that I am looking to create an ideal coaching client. In other words, I am looking to land a client that I feel is a shoe in for getting their ex back. Well, when it comes to this factor I would actually prefer to land a client that had a near perfect relationship with their ex and just got blindsided by a breakup because he was getting cold feet about going to the next level.
Or put more simply, the better your relationship with your ex was the better your chances of getting them back become.
What You Have Done During The Breakup
This factor is going to be the shortest of the three because it is relatively straight forward.
When I am referring to what you have done during a breakup I am talking about how the breakup actually went down.
Was your breakup pretty amicable or was it a knock down, drag out fight that resulted in lamps being smashed and axes being used on doors like the shining?
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quiz
Generally speaking that is not what I’d like to see.
In a perfect world I’d be looking for a breakup that occurred pretty amicably
What You Have Done After Your Breakup
You should be pretty familiar with this by now since you are living it right now.
I mean, you did land on this article so it is something near and dear to your heart at this moment.
Look, I’ve seen a lot in my time at Ex Boyfriend Recovery. I’ve had men and women tell me that they still feel depressed six months after a breakup and in that same line of thinking how long that depression is going to last (that is really up to you and how you handle this big choice I am talking about in this article.)
I’ve even had people claim that their breakup isn’t real or it doesn’t feel real.
Oh, and my personal favorite is the people who tell me that their breakup doesn’t make sense.
*rant time*
I am going to let you in on the secret of the breakup universe here. Your breakup doesn’t make sense for a few reasons.
Firstly, it doesn’t make sense because that is the nature of breakups.
They blindside you and leave you crying for days after the breakup.
Secondly, your ex is most likely not tell you why they really broke up with you.
Why?
Well, it’s because they are afraid to hurt your feelings with the truth.
I mean, think about it for a moment.
Let’s pretend for a moment that you were dating someone and you couldn’t stand the sight of them anymore. I mean, the thought of them literally repulsed you and made you do this,
So, you decide that you are going to have to break up with them.
Of course, when that inevitable breakup talk happens what is the very first question they ask you?
“Why? Why do you want to break up with me?”
You aren’t going to tell them that they are the ugliest human being you have ever met, are you? No, if you have any type of compassion you are going to make up some BS excuse and let that be that.
I can’t tell you how common of a practice this is.
But I am getting way off topic here.
I just want you to know that I get it….
I know this is killing you…
I know it’s that you are devastated over your breakup
And the fact that you are going through a really tough time is making you super susceptible to making really dumb decisions after your breakup. In fact, I recently just put together a video covering some of those dumb decisions,
So, I want you to know that you aren’t alone.
But how you act after this breakup definitely has an impact on your chances.
For example, if you sat there and begged and pleaded for him back after a breakup to an extreme extent you probably aren’t helping your chances at all.
So, the general rule of thumb to remember here is that the more in line you are with my strategies after a breakup the better your overall chances become.
What Do You Do If You Are Devastated By Your Breakup, Again?
Lets do a quick recap here before I send you on your way 😉 .
The very first thing that I believe you should do is understand that you aren’t alone in this.
Too many people think they are the only ones going through a time where their breakup has consumed them and that isn’t the case. Heck, just take a look at our private facebook group to see how upset and depressed some of my clients are.
You aren’t alone, remember that.
The next thing I believe you should do is really take some time to determine what you want.
Figure out if you should simply forget about your ex and start the moving on process
Or
Figure out if you should attempt to get him back.
Now, I went on this big rant about how a lot of people struggle with this decision and how the best way to determine what you should do is determine what kind of chance you have of getting your ex back in general.
From there I talked about three factors that you need to look at to determine that and covered those factors in depth. Now, it’s easy for me to just say,
Ya… so you should read that and you should have a clear idea at what kind of chance you have. And if getting your ex back is even a realistic option.
But I don’t think it’s that cut and dry. Sometimes in order to get to the bottom of if this is even worth a go you have to have a dialogue.
So, here is what I am prepared to do for you.
Let’s have a dialogue about your situation below in the comments.
- Tell me what your relationship was like before the breakup
- What your breakup was actually like
- And what you have done after your breakup
And I will help you get to the bottom on if you have a good, average or low chance of getting your ex back. From there I think you can make a smart decision on how you want to approach your all consuming breakup.
Jackson
September 15, 2022 at 9:55 pm
Our relationship was okay. We fought a lot and didn’t have all the same beliefs and values. We always made up the same day or the next day but it happened all the time. When we weren’t fighting though we had a lot of fun. We loved each other and showed lots of affection. I freaked out during the break up and begged for her back 3 times. She told me to move on and that id find someone else and be happy. She said this is what she needs and wants. That she needs to find herself and better herself and figure out what she wants to do in life. We’re 17 and 18 btw. She said she still cares and loves me though. She said she’s stressed and is going through a lot. That makes me think maybe she’s in fight ow flight mode and might come back when she gets her independence back and feels better about herself but I don’t know. Things aren’t looking great right now but it’s only been a week and a half. We were together for a year and 7 months. Please help
Anthony
June 8, 2022 at 1:46 pm
Our relationship was great before the breakup. We hungout all the time, spent every weekend at her place. We were always so good with each other in person. It was our communication that was a big problem… she said she felt like our relationship was becoming like it was being based off sex… 1st time she said she needed a break.. 3 days later she came back. We were good after that until I fucked up… found out she had a miscarriage and I didn’t handle it well… I tried having sex with her that night…. unreal I know… biggest mistake of my life. How could I do that with someone I care about so much and means so much to me? That was on a Wednesday and I still spent that weekend with her at her place. I apologized of course.. that following Monday she broke up with me saying maybe we’re just better off just being friends for now… 8 days later she wanted to hangout, so we did.. hungout twice more at the end of the week and everything was normal between us, kissing, holding hands and cuddling, just like we were actually together and like nothing was wrong between us even though there was… then 5 days later she ghosted me for a week. Then 3 weeks went by without seeing her.. then I asked if we could meet up and talk and have dinner together.. she let me come over but I never had the talk… once again, even after 3 weeks, we were still the same together. Still connected the same and we ended up having sex.. a week later I wanted to see her again because this time I did want to have the talk… well this time she completely ended things. Saying she’s done, moving on and I should do the same… and she said the last time we saw each other was a test to see if she was just a toy to me and said she felt like she was… so I lost the chance to say how I really feel and everything that I wanted to say… the breakup wasn’t too good sadly, I didn’t handle it well. It was through snapchat and I just kept trying to see her and let me talk and everything but just made things worse…
Paloma
May 3, 2021 at 3:40 pm
My relationship was going so great we were very much in love and affectionate. We were together for a little over a year. He went back to his home country to visit his mother which was only supposed to be 1 month and ended up staying there for months since he could finish his masters degree online because of the pandemic. 3 months after he left I started noticing him getting more distant with his texts he would stop messaging me. I finally got him to confess what was wrong and he told me that he saw his ex gf in Colombia and he said he wants to be alone for a while because he doesn’t want to have to choose between us. I told him that I get that he just wants to be with her. He told me no that he realized he doesn’t love her anymore. I asked if he loved me he said he does and that I mean a lot to him. This ex is a girl who he told me cheated on him and was abusive to him. I don’t know if anything he told me is the truth or if he is just trying to make me feel better. I didn’t see this coming at all. I asked him “so you don’t want to be with me?” He wouldn’t say no he just asked me if I would give him time. Him asking me for time makes me feel like he left things open for a possibility of coming back to me but again idk if he was just trying to be nice and not tell me the truth. The last thing I said to him was that he can have time if that’s what he feels like he needs and that if he’s trying to choose between her and me then he better choose her and leave me alone. I regret saying the last thing I let my emotions and jealousy get the best of me. I haven’t heard from him in over a month I have gone no contact.
null
April 3, 2021 at 5:58 pm
I dated this girl for 4 years. Lived together and got along great. She started to get a little quite with me. Staying on her phone a lot. Then I received texts telling me we needed to part ways. I tried to get her to work on the relationship but nothing. She still means the world to me and I’m having a very hard time letting go. It is consuming my every thought. Any advice
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
April 4, 2021 at 8:26 pm
Hi Null I understand it is hard letting go, but for the time being you need to follow a NC and just work on yourself in that time
lucy holland
October 4, 2020 at 9:27 am
I need your help I’m really struggling after a 10 year relationship & we have 2 children
I cannot process it I’m sending myself into a downward spiral, I’ve made fake Facebook accounts and really messed up I’ve owned up to this and apologised but I’m just at my wits end I cannot function without this person in my life, I struggle to sleep I’ve lost 3 stone through not eating, I’m depressed.. I just want him home but feel I’m pushing him away making stupid choices
This is the hardest things I’ve ever been through
Sarah
May 27, 2020 at 11:34 pm
I’ve been dating a guy on and off for a year and a half and he’s always been scared to commit and other women readily available, if not overlapping. Anytime I needed or wanted something emotionally he’d freak out and run or do something to sabotage it.. usually dating someone else. When lockdown started we became closer than ever, Spent every day together, and he had stopped talking to all of the women he had dated. We got in arguments often because I’d always state my needs and got overly emotional when he couldn’t meet them (my bad habit) and then I’d text him and email him and not stop… and I pushed him way too far. This time he said his kids were bothered by it (not sure why his kids got involved, but I think they are an excuse)… either way he did this when I found out my mom was sick and it was my birthday. He’s reached out a few times but not to be with me… just really feels like he’s missing me. I haven’t seen him in a month… I stoped talking to him on the 12th and he’s called and text me several times since then. But being in lockdown all I want to do is be with him… I had a social distance date that went great and could go further but I’m not into him like I am the guy who broke up with me. In fact no one is him. I’m devastated and having the hardest time…I also know he’s dating and seeing other people and he’s def online dating…and that kills me too… but it’s his m.o…. he posted on Instagram and is usually private but made it public for me to see for a short bit, that he’s cooked things with someone but things we talked about making together… and walks I wanted to go on… and pics of him doing things I love him doing. I feel like that means he still cares, but why isn’t he here, and why am I the one alone and sad?!! I just want to be with him more than anything, help!! I should mention, he had a very painful divorce about 5 years ago and hasn’t had a real relationship since. He told me he loved me, and he’s not been closer to anyone but me this whole time. I just had a divorce you helped me with a few years back, but it didn’t work out between us because I couldn’t leave him be, and I had a medical emergency.
Lea
January 6, 2020 at 10:47 pm
My big and I broke up last week. The relationship overall was powerful. Love and laughter, but difficult when not. He had definite problems with communication in the sense of compassion and empathy. We always came back to talk, but after awhile it would take longer and longer to do so. Days in fact. We were together nearly 3 years. Both older. In our 40s. In the last month his anger seemed to escalate. A simple miscommunication would turn into abusive, hurtful name calling. This happened at least twice in a month. I ended it then. I was concerned by his anger and potential to think it was okay to continue to speak to me that way in the future. I haven’t spoken to him since, except to coordinate him getting his things and to tell him I loved him, didn’t understand his anger, was hurt and couldn’t ignore it anymore. His responses were cold and disregarding. Since, I have not reached out. I’ve cried a lot to friends. Questioned my fault in everything. Gone back to the gym and am trying to focus on my daughter. Missing him is destroying me, but I’m afraid either way, all hope for any change for the better is lost. Thoughts?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 11, 2020 at 3:49 am
Hey Lea, I think you are doing the right thing by ending the relationship based on how your arguments go and him getting so angry. Clearly you know your worth so I would not settle for less and go back to him based on you love him. I would consider going back to him if he promised to go to therapy to control his anger, or even couples therapy to learn how to communicate without arguments and raised voices.
Nikki
December 9, 2019 at 9:54 pm
My ex and I were together for almost 2 years. We had a 10 year age gap. We had a good relationship. We hardly fought but he struggled with self esteem issues. He wasn’t happy about where he was at in his life. He would always say he was going to change or do something different but never would. The last couple of months before our breakup the relationship felt different. We work together so we saw each other everyday and I also spent every weekend with him l. There was something off about us but we never brought it up. I thought If I ignored it the problem would fix itself. Eventually everything blew up. One day we were talking about what we were doing that week and the next day he told me he wanted to break up. He told me he needs time to figure himself out. He doesn’t know what to do in his life right now. He told me he would always love me.
During the breakup, we talked it all out and aired out all our problems. I was in agreement that we need space and understood why we needed it but I didn’t realize to what extent until I saw him the next week. He said he wanted space for sure but we would be broken up. We couldn’t talk or see each other. But then he would say things that made it seem like he thought we would get back together in the future. We even had to have another talk where I asked if he really wanted this. He said he didn’t know what he wanted and that this is the what it has to be. I tried to compromise with him but even in his confused state this is what he wanted. I didn’t fight back, I tried to accept it.
Now, we only talk when its related to work. I have definitely texted him a couple of times the days after we broke up but now I’ve stopped. We say hi occasionally when we run into each other at work. I have been trying really hard to not contact him. What keeps me from contacting him is the fear that he won’t respond. He passes by me at work and pretends I’m invisible which really hurts. I wish so badly that I could help but I can’t. I’ve already tried to help him and at this point he needs to want to accept the help. Even his friend is telling me that this is really not my fault and it’s really him, not me. I’ve been relying on family and friends now to get me through this. My girlfriends are amazing and always there for me. But despite everything this breakup is all I can think about. Its consuming me. I think about what hes doing, how hes doing, if he thinks about me and if he even cared in the first place. I’m not sure what to do at this point.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 14, 2019 at 11:30 pm
Hi Nikki so have you completed a full limited no contact where you do not speak? if not then you need to do this and work on yourself to be ungettable during that time. and if you have compelted your no contact then you need to reach out as a friend and start talking about his interests and re attract him showing all the positive changes you have made to your life since the break up
Emily
October 18, 2019 at 7:19 am
Hi,
My bf and I broke up because he has ED and anxiety problem.We were so in love and dated for 1 year. Due to a lot of problems happened during last month,we had arguments so I initiated the breakup, he accepted it and we ended the relationship amicably. But then I realized I love him so much, I wanted to face the problems with him so I asked to get back together. But he had so many hesitation and said need to sort out his problem first and loved me. End up we tried to stay as friends,until one day I found him on tinder. I found hard to just stay as friends and see him on dating app. So I cut all the contact,deleted him from social media.We had our last conversation, he said he wanted me to be happy and goodbye.I know I should move on, but this killing me, what should I do and will he come back? our last conversation was not happy.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
October 20, 2019 at 9:10 pm
Hey Emily you need to try and complete a NC and allow your ex and you some space and then approach him amicably as a friend first and build up your connection again
MJ
June 20, 2019 at 2:08 am
Hi,
I met my bf 4 years ago. The beginning was a bit rocky. He broke up with me after 7 months because I couldnt drive him to the airport. We got back together a month later. He still had anger issues from his recent divorce causing him to react rashly. We then got together a month later and were together for a year before he broke up with me again. This time is was due to my being in an accident and breaking my foot. He thought I was too “needy”. He never came to my home and helped me. I helped him babysit his granddaughter and I needed help getting my knee scooter in and out of the car and help carrying things due to my inabilty to walk. After this breakup I was very hurt and angry and shut him out of my life. Once in awhile he would send me a friendly email and I would ignore it. 10 months went by while he went from gf to gf. Finally I agreed to meet him so I could see his granddaughter again. After that he emailed me that he was moving and seeing all of his family things reminded him of his divorce and he was devastated. I felt bad for him and helped him. Needless to say he said he had changed and wanted me back.
I gave him another chance and we have had a good couple of years since. The one thing that had bugged him in the past was that he said I talked too much at times and didnt let him speak when I got excited about something. I tried to be mindful of this and watch how much I talk. Last weekend I paid for him to come to my daughter’s wedding because he wasnt excited to go. I took him to Chicago to visit where I grew up. The weather wasnt good and he wasnt having much fun. I drove him by where I went to college and was excited pointing out all the places I recognized. He seemed fine with that. The next day when we driving home from the airport he was teasing me in a mean spirited way about talking too much about seeing my school. I got very irritated with him. After we got home he stopped really talking to me. Then 2 days later he sent me an email saying he was sorry for teasing me but that I was just like a crazy woman we both know who talks none stop. He said he loves me but I am not normal and should be on medication. It drives him nuts that I talked lot when I was showing him his school. He said he was in a bad place and smashed his CD player and blew off meeting 2 people that he was supposed to. I rashly sent him an email saying that if believes the hurtful things he said then he should find someone else. I help him and encourage him alot. I have painted rooms for him, babysat his grandkids etc… He is my best friend and the love of my life. I am devastated. I dont know if I did the right thing or not. I have never been so connected to anyone in my life and the loss of him in my life is enormous. I wish I could be less irritating to him but I wish he would tell me when I am instead of letting it fester and emailing me about it days later. Today after nearly a week of silence he emailed saying that for the past 6 months he has dreams about his ex wife and thinks he may still love her and wished me all the best. They divorced 4 years ago and has been with me since. They are toxic and fight all the time. I am totally shocked. Any advice?
Thanks!!
Jess
May 26, 2019 at 10:36 am
I am female, my ex girlfriend and I were together for almost 7years. Had breaks in between, the maximum of 3 months. This was due to me as she was originally very jealous and smothering. She would bad mouth the father of my kids, make going out awkward and was only happy with the friends of mine that weren’t gay or were in a relationship. Originally I wasnt open with my relationship to my parents and ex husband due to my own insecurities but eventually everyone, even my kids knew about her. I expressed that she was smothering and she took it to the extreme by only talking to me if I messaged first. We had obstacles but most couples do, hers was with my insecurities over my sexuality, mine was with her neediness, we probably fired each others problems tbf. Anyway, on one break I rebounded and when we got back together I lied about it at first as I was concerned she wouldnt stay with me if I told her. She found out through a friend in the end and after that it wasnt the same again. I convinced her to stay with me but the passion died. She was so in love with me throughout and I knew it this time though I had pushed her too far. That was 4 years ago. But now I split with her again, this time she has moved on, we had been split 4/5 months and she had got with someone else, some body she knows I dislike as it’s my exes ex. Now the girl shes with got with my previous ex about a week or 2 after I split up with her. On one of mine and my most recent exes breaks, this same girl tried chatting her up but nothing came of it as I got back with her. This girl then got with somebody else and was with her for 3yrs until my ex (who apparently pursued her recently) got in touch and she quickly kicked out her partner to get with my ex.
However, when I found out about a month ago they had been together around 2-3 weeks and got engaged and are looking for a house together already. I’m now really struggling massively and cannot get my head around what’s happened with her and this new partner. I dont know why shes with her, is it real, is it fake? I want her back but is that just because shes done this, because whenever we got back before after a few months I would want to break up with her again but I’ve never lost her permanently so maybe that’s why I yearn for her so much. Normally by now I miss her, I’d say sorry and we would sort it out. She wont even talk to me anymore though and when she did around a month ago she was keen to tell me how shes so happy in her new relationship and is glad they both escaped their previous toxic relationships to be together.
It was only a month prior to this that she was telling my sister how she wasnt coping well with the breakup. We was going to remain friends, especially as shes been a huge part of my kids lives for so long but now she ignores and has blocked us all.
Please help me get my head around this as the rumination is killing me and I’m scared I’ll never truly move on or find love again. I feel worse now than I did when we first split.
Chris Seiter
May 26, 2019 at 3:22 pm
Hi Jess….it sounds like you would benefit from having a sensible ex recovery plan. So consider my Program (Ex Recover Pro Bundle) because the first stage of ex recovery is your own healing and getting your sanity back where it belongs. Then there are strategies one can employ to try to re-attract an ex.
Joy
April 21, 2019 at 1:15 am
7 month relationship. We are both 27, this is his first serious relationship and I’m the first girl he’s ever said “I love you” to… he broke up with me a month ago, stating he wasn’t ready to be committed, but had thought he originally was. Seemed very sure about his decision- I cried and gave him space/ no contact. Ran into him a week later and he was telling me how much he missed me and he had reflected on what he needed to change. He told me he was going to force himself to make it a week before contacting me. We got back together, two weeks later I broke my leg and he was so great with everything and stayed with me for the week. We had some minor disagreements the following weekend- miscommunications, typical stuff for any couple. Got over them within the hour and enjoyed our day. He then tells me days later that when he gets upset he feels trapped in our relationship and that he is “missing out on something but doesn’t know what”. I told him he should take some time to figure out why that is, by the first day of our mutual “break” (we had said we would check in and come back a week later to speak in person) I reached out stating I loved him and we could do anything together and I hated this feeling. He said it was hard for him too but he needed time to clear his head and he was glad we were doing it mutually and calmly. I then turned around saying he shouldn’t need a week to realize he wants to be with me and he should just know. He said I was right but he still needed to figure it out and he knew it wasn’t fair to me. The next day he said he decided we have to break up because he’s obviously not changed and he really doesn’t want a relationship anymore and just wants to be alone. I cried, he went out with his friends. He came by the next day to bring me my things and told me he almost drunk dialed me the night before but his best friend stopped him. I cried the entire time he was there asking him not to do it and he kept saying he was sorry. He said he loved me and cared about me but I deserved more and he needs to be alone. I asked him what if he misses me this time again and he said he will have to get over it because he won’t be coming back again. He then laid with me and cuddled me until I started crying again when he got up and said it wasn’t healthy for us and he needed to go and left. He called later to “make sure I was ok” and said he didn’t want it to be all or nothing because he cares so much about me he doesn’t want me out of his life. I said does that mean you would be ok with seeing me date other guys and have no romantic feelings for me? He said absolutely not but I’ll have to get over that. I texted him the next day saying he’s not my friend and I deserved more. I also told him he left me at a very vulnerable time and I couldn’t believe him. He responded saying he’s “put a lot of thought into this and still believes it’s for the best.” He then apologized and said he didn’t know what else to say.
I didn’t respond.
I’m day five of no contact with him and I haven’t heard anything from him. It’s his birthday weekend and I have seen him out with friends via mutual friends Instagram stories.
I unfollowed him on Instagram on Tuesday and within ten minutes he somehow noticed and unfollowed me back. I feel like I’ll never hear from him again. Is that true? Do you think there’s any chance of a salvageable relationship?
Ena
September 16, 2018 at 1:13 pm
Mine is a Long Distance Relationship.
I am 900 miles away; I have known him for 4 years but we recently were dating the last 2. I will try to summarize everything if I can: When he asked me out it was the most wonderful thing in the world but it was a bad time I had just lost my well paying job. This is where I began to ruin our relationship slowly (there is blame to share).
I hated the minimum wage paying jobs I had adn was very negative, I never knew if he was ever really happy with me, I was in a financial rut but he stood by me no matter what. I was never able to scrounge up enough money to see him on top of that from past relationships I have a lot of self hate/esteem issues.
He got a new job in November of 2017, he started drifting away from me then. Since this is strictly online still it is hard because he was a jealous guy, never believed me when I said I wasnt cheating on him (i.e. If I was playing video games with old male friends he’d get upset)
Despite that I accept we all arent perfect, he lied to me a few times stating he wasnt home that he was at work when he was playing online. I didnt send him many photos or Video call much like I said I have huge image issues. I always wanted to be what society says I should be, a size 0, super model. Its never going to happen.
Fast forward to August of 2018, I got a new job, it pays better; I was able to catch up on all my bills I was now ready to see him. He ghosted me suddenly for 2 weeks, but he was still online playing video games and that hurt me so much. I got a job interview in his city (since I wanted to close the distance to give us a chance to see each other more and decide if this is a right fit). Needless to say I finally saw the ‘love of my life’ for the first time.
It was nothing like I imagined. I was already emiotnally distraught from being ghosted, but when I saw him I fell in love all over again. He’s everything and more. But how he has treated me so far has been making me question things. I’m 900 miles from home, we’re eating dinner: He kept looking at his phone and responding to texts. It hurt not only because it was disrespectful but if he couldnt put his phone down there and he could ignore me for 2 weeks. It hurt so much. I was honestly afraid of him at this point, this indifference. I wanted to kiss him, to touch him romantically. All I could do was hold his hand and cry.
I cried because this is meeting him for the first time and he is sitting across from me. Telling me that I WAS his world, but he isnt sure we’ll work and that he needs TIME. We cried, and I begged him not to give up on me, on us, that if he needed time to take it: I’d give him what he NEEDS since he always gave to me. But not to wait forever I was getting ‘old’.
I am just so broken by this that I have done nothing but cry everyday for a month and a half. He texts me here and there very base messages. At this point its been 8 days since his last text, I am driving myself crazy just waiting for a response.
I don’t know if I should give up, or keep trying. I got the job in his city… I dont know if I should take it since it IS better pay for me and IF there is ever a chance for he and I. That I’d finally be there to see him.
On top of this I just learned a few days ago from some online friends that he is very CLOSE to some other girl. (Still internet but I dont know if she lives near him) I am just a hot mess.
What should I do?
Chris Seiter
September 17, 2018 at 4:13 am
Hi Ena…I know about LDR as I was in one and I realize it can be hard. What is most important is your focus on “you” and your healing and recovery. Its difficult to mount an ex recovery plan when you are feeling vulnerable. Its important to learn that no matter what happens with this relationship, you are going to be fine and there are always many paths for you to explore and find what you want. I encourage you to tap into my resources found on my home page as to how to go about your ex recovery program.
Sarah
May 2, 2018 at 10:02 pm
Hi Chris,
I met my ex during freshman year of college. We had a wonderful relationship. His family loved me, we experienced so many things together, and he frequently said we were a “power couple”! I would say the biggest issue in our relationship was that I come from a more underprivileged background than him, and am frequently very vocal about my troubles. Looking back, he always figured out problems on his own, whereas I liked to share them with him and talk about my options. Our Junior year, it got a little rough because I decided to go study elsewhere for a semester and he stayed behind at University. I felt that we were getting a little distant, and that I was frequently the one initiating conversation. This made me insecure, and I definitely feel that I started to get somewhat needy. I frequently got upset for him for choosing to do other things instead of calling me. When he would come and visit, it felt like we were unaware of each-others lives, and it was hard to connect. Every time, I brought this up he assured me that he was busy and that talking so frequently just wasn’t his style because he was introverted. A few weeks ago while we were still away from each other, he did something that made me very upset (In hindsight, I probably overreacted), but it led me to break up with him. He didn’t want to break up and texted me all these nice things that night. The following day, I gave him a call and he was a totally different person and confirmed that breaking up had been the right decision. He mentioned feeling restrained by the responsibility of having to be a good boyfriend and feeling that we had grown apart (reason I had given him when I broke up with him originally). He also mentioned something about wanting to escape everything and going through a pre-mature quarter life crisis.I asked him to tell me he didn’t love me anymore, and he didn’t but eventually did say “I don’t love you romantically anymore”. I was very upset but ended up sending him a nice text saying I understood, and thanking them for a wonderful three years. He thanked me back but it still felt very cold. I’ve stuck to no contact except one morning when I called twice but it went ignored (one week after breakup). We are away from each other for summer, but will most likely end up running back into each-other at school. Both of us have been in relationships before, but this is our most serious one. I know I should move on, but I’m having so much trouble accepting that it’s over. He’s a super stubborn guy, and a big “no regrets” person. I really don’t see him coming back. He tends to avoid issues that cause him emotional stress, and I feel like he’s going to avoid me back at school. Am I better off moving on? I just hate feeling like I pushed him away the last few months of our relationship. Thanks!
Chris Seiter
May 2, 2018 at 11:51 pm
Hi Vanessa. You are such a good writer! And it was most interesting to hear about your experience. There is a lot of stuff going on here, so my advice is first of all don’t do anything until you come up to speed on this whole crazy world of breakups. I wrote an ebook, Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro, that can help you with understanding much more about what you can do for yourself and for your ex relationship if you choose to pursue it. The period that you are in right now is tricky emotionally, so just gather up as much information as possible before making any majors steps. IF you are looking for a blueprint or Companion Guide on all matters related to breakups, then take a look at any some of my resources (at my website Menu/Products link) as it can do so much more for you in expanding your perspective and knowledge than I can here in just a few sentences. But let me know Vanessa how things go for you. One last thing…don’t pay to much attention to what an ex says about “love” during this breakup phases. People often know little about what they really want when they are being sloshed around in a sea of emotions.
Kate
April 9, 2018 at 2:03 pm
Please help me,I was with a guy for 3 years..ibloved him and still do very much..everything was pretty much perfect but when we moved in together we had financial strains and i guess things got a bit stale but we still boyh loved eachother alot,One night i went out with some friends and ended up talking to a guy who lives in my town,i had seen him around before and undeniably thought he was attractive but that was as far as i had thought about it..until this night..we chatted for hours..we just seemed to click in a way I can’t describe..I went home feeling extremely confused,instantly i felt guilt as i knew I shouldn’t be having these feelings..I tried to stay away from this person..but he cane into the place I worked everyday and over the weeks and months,we became close..however i told myself he was just a good friend and i must admit in was enjoying having the best of both worlds..i knew I was playing with fire but I couldn’t seen to stop myself..i was in denial..
This guy ended up taking his life 🙁 I felt it was my fault because this guy was depressed and I feel as if I contributed to it somhow by not giving him my love the way he wanted..anyway,I couldn’t handle my guilt..i fell to pieces..I ended up basically telling my boyfriend hiw I actually ‘thought maybe i was in love with dan'(the guy who died) and at first met boyfriend said he understood and forgive me..couldn’t leave me..loved me too much..but at Christmas he decided he couldn’t take it..he said he ‘couldn’t get me and him out of his mind’..i did grieve openly for another boy infront of him amd that must have been awful for him..i was just so confused and the guilt and grief warped my mind..now im in a place of regret and deep sadness..I lost a decent man and ive realised too late how much i love him ..i miss him so much ..it kills me..ive send him so many messages..trying to remind him of how special we were before this..but he doesn’t trust me..and just wants to be ‘friends ‘ i feel sick all the time..please help me..
Chris Seiter
April 11, 2018 at 12:55 am
Hi Kate. It was not your fault. And your boyfriend was too quick to judge in my opinion. Give this thing some time. Focus on your needs. Look to become the best version of yourself. Pick up a copy of my book (go to my website menu/products) as it has lots of great ideas in there for you. I think you are a wonderful person from what you have said and if your boyfriend doesn’t want to reconsider, there are plenty of guys who will love to be with you.
Kate
April 12, 2018 at 3:16 pm
Thankyou so much for your reply,I know there’s probably nothing i can do to win him back..I just feel like life is not worth living without him a
Now,I will pick up a copy of your book and try and keep positive..I’ve probably made it so much worse by begging and being pretty desperate but in my case I thought i was telling him what he needed to hear..thanks again gor your response
Chris Seiter
April 12, 2018 at 4:32 pm
Hi again Kate! Yep, there are some excellent ebooks I have written than covers many topics. Also the Private Facebook Group is quite popular. Sure, begging is not the best way, but the past is in the past and now you need to construct a plan going forward.
katherine
January 23, 2018 at 9:40 pm
Before the breakup:
Absolute perfection. He is 7 years older than me, so much more mature and chivalrous. Treated me like a queen from day 1. Was chasing me at the beginning and then I fell HARD for him. Our relationship was serious butterflies and rainbows- on both our ends. People around us could feel and see the sparks between us. We were together for about 6 months, and it progressed fast and serious. he introduced me to his family and close friends very early on, and i did the same.
During the breakup:
I knew something had been up with him the past couple of weeks because he was having issues with his job. His business partner wasnt paying him fairly, and lying and sneaking around. He was stuck doing all the work and it was stressng him out. He’s 30 so i think seeing this business go downhill was scary for him at that age, because he thought he was completely stable. He came over and talked it out with me in person, told me there was so much going on in his head that he had to sort out, he felt that i had more feelings for him than he had for me, (which everyone knew was BS) and pretty much explained that it had absolutely nothing to do with me or how our relationship was at all, and it had everything to do with him and what was going on in his head. I cried and cried and he held me and hugged me and cried a little himself too. he said this was the hardest thing hes ever had to do. Because we both believed we were each others soulmates, and we talked about that sometimes.
After the breakup:
I did no contact for about 45 days, and then texted him. Asked for more explanations because I was still confused, and he would reply immediately with long text messages explaining his feelings, but making sure I understood how much I meant to him and how much our relationship meant to him, and told me how special I am. He pretty much didnt think he was good enough for me because his career at the moment was going downhill, while I had landed a successful job and was pretty confident in my future career. I think he was feeling down on himself about not feeling like he was stable enough at that point in his life, so he kind of took it out on the relationship in a way. Since then, I told him i wanted to see him and he came right over. We talked about it more, flirted a bit, kissed a lot. He came over again a few days after that and the same thing happened. WE were very close and intimate, and he was very compassionate towards me, cudding me and hugging me. He even ditched plans with his friends he made that night and stayed with me instead. He texted me the next day and said how amazing it was and that I deserve the best. I asked him if he would ever date me again. He said yes I would date you again, I just need to get my shit together” and I asked no further questions. This was on Friday morning after he stayed over Thursday night, so I havent heard anything from him since Friday besides a snapchat on Saturday. I am IMpatiently waiting….
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 25, 2018 at 6:23 pm
Hi Katherine,
Well that’s good that you did nc, and it looks there’s a chance if he gets his career together.. It’s just that he knows now you’re just waiting.. There’s no urgency..so, avoid being too available
Charlie
January 7, 2018 at 5:07 pm
Before the break up
He always wanted space. He never really wanted to do anything with me. He never wanted to have sex. He was irritable with me. I always tried to make things better but he just lost interest but would still tell me he loved me and wanted to be with me he just needs space.
Break up was like
I was going back to UK for Christmas and he said we should use this time to have space and see how we feel. I already agreed to move out the apartment and come back after Christmas living separately but see each other. He said I could come back until I found somewhere to live and still see each other. He told me he loved me and kept texting me for a few days after I got home. Then it just stopped and when I asked why he said he changed his mind he realises with space that he’s happier without me and thinks it’s best we don’t see each other again. He got nasty when I got upset and said for me to not contact him until I need my stuff back. He blocked me on all social media saying he doesn’t want to see anything to annoy him.
Since the break up
I haven’t contacted him for 4 days and have been trying to keep busy. I noticed he unblocked me on Facebook the other day but has now blocked me again. My friend said that she saw him on tinder.
I feel sick. I love him so much and just want things to be perfect between us again. Time apart has made me see both of our faults in the relationship. He said if he’s not with me he doesn’t want to be with me so why is he on tinder?
Is NC rule going to work for me? I have to go back to get my stuff so will see him then. How should I act? Will he be sleeping with other girls? Will he be missing me? I am so sick of this horrible feeling in my chest and stomach from heartbreak and worry. Please help me focus
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 9, 2018 at 9:32 pm
Hi Charlie,
what you said in the first paragraph, was those all throughout the whole length of the relationship? If yes, I think it would be better to move on.
Sarah
January 2, 2018 at 8:44 pm
Tell me what your relationship was like before the breakup:
My boyfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago, we’re both 28. We were together for 1.5 years, lived together in a house he bought for us for 5 months pre-breakup. Very tender, lots of PDA, we were very in love when we were out in public and privately most of it was very loving. The first year of the relationship he said he knew I was the one, soul-mates, love of his life, but then would have moments where he said he wasn’t sure he loved me. We went to couples counseling for 3 months and I still do private therapy. The entire time of our relationship we have talked openly about marrying each other and our children, and we both knew each other’s families. He is introverted and I am extroverted and while our fights were never mean spirited, we’d fight about him needing to be more communicative and open to my friends, my events, etc. and he would get upset that he didn’t think he could give me what I needed. Then he’d close down for days and need “his own space” a lot. His goals were to work a lot, and have freedom. Because he was talking so seriously about us I made the relationship and self-growth my priorities and I don’t know if he ever really did. He once described his perfect relationship as “We both do our own things and if we happen to come together and have fun then that’s great, but there should be no expectations of doing favors for each other.” Near the end I was pushing him to change and work on himself more so that he could be a good partner to me because our day to day life we felt awkward and like we were walking on eggshells.
What your breakup was actually like: He ended things saying “I don’t see this working out long term, I have the ability to shut off my emotions and I have, I love you but I don’t feel like I can be myself around you and you’re not going to change and I’m not going to change and we’ve been working at this hard and it shouldn’t have to be this hard. I feel like we can’t have deep conversations, and that you were really strong when we met but then focused a lot on me. I feel like I am losing my individuality and excitement for life when we are together because I worry that in my excitement I will not be attuned to your needs, and disappoint you with my actions without realizing it.” I was calm and accepted it. We lived together in the house for 5 days afterwards while I found a new place and were both amicable. In those 5 days he was acting super nice to me and twice he had deeper talks with me where both of us cried and he admitted he could have tried harder and didn’t have the relationship as his priority. I thanked him for that but nothing more was said and I still moved out and we are still broken up.
And what you have done after your breakup: Pretty much no contact except to work out the final details of the move. Celebrated the holidays with friends and family and posted nice pictures of me out and about. He has not reached out except to communicate about the move and returning mutual items. He watches all my snapchats.
While I know there were many issues that we needed to grow and work on together and understand the breakup, a deep part of me still feels like this was my husband. Maybe we were both too immature in some ways to be ready for marriage, but that he is still the right guy. What do you think? Is this worth saving?
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 5, 2018 at 6:55 pm
Hi Sarah,
finish the nc process first.. if it doesn’t work out, then move on..
May
November 28, 2017 at 5:10 pm
Yeah.. I think I want to him to see me as a completely changed person(the better version of me) and that I want him to feel regret that he’s not being with me. Now, I wouldn’t care if he really like the new gal or what. I want to focus on improving myself, so I am planning to see a therapist and then start the NC again. Will it b ok?
May
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 29, 2017 at 2:38 pm
Yuo, that’s ok!
T
November 28, 2017 at 2:20 pm
Hi Amor,
Thank you for your response and the link to that article. However, I’m not afraid that he will forget me. And I’m not planning on breaking no contact. I just didn’t expect him to get into a relationship so soon after a 5 year relationship. It’s only been 2 and a half months since we broke up. I’m really hoping it’s a rebound and that no contact will still work.