What Should I Do If My Breakup Is Killing Me?

I’ll never forget the very first time that I got a comment on this website.

It went a little something like,

Chris, my god I need your help so badly… My breakup is absolutely consuming me. What can I do to get my ex back?

Now, upon receiving my very first comment I did two things,

Thing #1 = Happy Dance

Which was immediately followed by thing two,

Thing #2 = Figuring Out Exactly What This Person Should Do

It’s not as easy as it seems, you know!

I mean, if you actually look online for help you’ll be immediately greeted with a zillion diffent results of men and women complaining that their breakup doesn’t feel real or that their breakup has ruined their life.

But you know the most bizarre thing?

It’s the fact that the internet is filled with people who like to get off on complaining but don’t offer any actionable advice that can help you.

So, here was this person coming to my website, which is supposed to have all the answers on breakups, and yet I was at a loss on what to do. Heck, everyone was at a loss on what to do.

Luckily, that was over half a decade ago and I have since come up with a very effective strategy that can help you if you feel your breakup is killing you.

The Strategy In A Nutshell

A few years ago I put together a pretty handy little video that taught people the basics of getting an ex back (since it is what I am kind of known for,)

And I am certainly going to teach you about that today but I am not necessarily sure that, that is why you are here.

You see, the way I see it is that you are at a crossroads right now.

You are obviously in a lot of pain and your breakup is probably consuming your every thought. Hell, it’s probably gotten so bad that you wake up with crusty eyes from crying all night and I want you to know that I get it.

I have been a professional breakup consultant for half a decade and have seen some very upsetting things in my time.

I’ve seen human beings on the brink of depression, on the brink of suicide for goodness sake.

I’ve seen girlfriends stalk their boyfriends and boyfriends stalk their girlfriends.

Heartbreak has a way of bringing the crazy out of all of us.

I want you to know that I understand exactly what you are going through which is why it’s important for you to listen to what I have to say next.

Right now you have a choice to make.

Try to move on

Or

Try to get your ex back

Now, some people can’t stand choices like this, my wife is certainly like this.

When I first met her she kept telling me this really weird anecdote on how she had commitment problems with her cell phone,

“There are just so many choices out there. I never knew if I made the right one.”

I’m sure you have a little of that in you right now since one moment you are going from this state where you feel like you can’t even eat and the next you are filled with this hope.

Almost like a pendulum swinging back and forth.

From hope to despair…

So, I am going to open up my process for you so you can actually gain some insight into if your ex is even worth getting back.

The Three Most Important Factors That Will Tell You If Your Ex Is Worth Your Time

If you didn’t already know, I am a professional relationship consultant specializing in breakups.

To date, I have coached hundreds of clients over the phone and help thousands repair their relationships through this website. Now, with all the people I have ever worked with or helped there seems to be one common thread that connects them.

You see, everyone always asks me,

Chris, is this even worth it? Am I just wasting my time?

And I think that is where you should start if you find that your breakup has become unbearable.

Instead of going through this internal monologue where you go all in on getting him back one moment and the next moment you feel sick from the breakup lets tackle this by actually giving you a rough idea on if you eve have a realistic shot at salvaging things.

With every coaching client I have the pleasure of speaking to I run them through a little exercise that I frame like this,

“Ok, so I want you to know that I am not psychic and I can’t tell you with certainty what your chances are but I can tell you the general trend I can see your situation going in. I can tell you in broad terms where you fall.”

In other words, I can tell you if,

  1. You have a good chance
  2. You have an average chance
  3. You have a low chance

Now, quick question.

Where in this little scale do you think most of my clients fall?

…..

…..

…..

Most of them actually fall in the average and low chance categories. In fact, I think I have only ever had five clients that I classified as having a good chance which isn’t a lot when you consider the amount of volume I work with.

(Oh, and all of the good chance people got their exes back if you are wondering. Now, whether they stayed with that ex is a story for another time.)

Now, I do feel it is really important to mention that just because most of my clients fall in the average to low chance categories doesn’t necessarily mean they can’t get their exes back. On the contrary, with my strategies they can actually substantially raise their chances it’s just that their starting point is not as ideal as I’d like it to be.

But I’m getting off topic.

So, now that you have a general idea of the “chances categories” let’s talk a bit about how to determine which category you fall into.

There are three factors I tend to look at.

  1. What your relationship was like before the breakup
  2. What you did during the breakup
  3. What you have done after the breakup

Ideally you’d like to see two of these three factors working in your favor to be placed in “the good chance” and I am going to outline how to rank well in each of these factors.

What Was Your Relationship Like Before The Breakup?

To me this is actually the factor that you need to pay the most attention to.

Why?

Well, because contrary to popular belief the battle for getting an ex back doesn’t happen in the things you say or do. It happens internally in your exes head when they are determining on if you are worth getting back or not.

You see, if they close their eyes and think back to your relationship and come up with specific reasons for why they shouldn’t get back with you this creates specific headwind that is always going to be there.

Almost always this “headwind” is determined by the things you did in your previous relationship that they didn’t like.

I’ll give you an extreme example.

Lets assume that you cheated on your ex a lot throughout your previous relationship and they knew about it. Well, wouldn’t it make sense that when you are beginning to reconnect with your ex and they are determining if they should give you another shot they are going to look back at your past relationship with them and think,

Damn, I am in love with them but they cheated on me so many times I don’t know if I am willing to put myself through that again…

In other words, what you did in your past relationship definitely impacts your overall chances of getting your ex back.

Hmm…

Perhaps I should put this in a different way.

Ok, lets pretend that I am looking to create an ideal coaching client. In other words, I am looking to land a client that I feel is a shoe in for getting their ex back. Well, when it comes to this factor I would actually prefer to land a client that had a near perfect relationship with their ex and just got blindsided by a breakup because he was getting cold feet about going to the next level.

Or put more simply, the better your relationship with your ex was the better your chances of getting them back become.

What You Have Done During The Breakup

This factor is going to be the shortest of the three because it is relatively straight forward.

When I am referring to what you have done during a breakup I am talking about how the breakup actually went down.

Was your breakup pretty amicable or was it a knock down, drag out fight that resulted in lamps being smashed and axes being used on doors like the shining?

Generally speaking that is not what I’d like to see.

In a perfect world I’d be looking for a breakup that occurred pretty amicably

What You Have Done After Your Breakup

You should be pretty familiar with this by now since you are living it right now.

I mean, you did land on this article so it is something near and dear to your heart at this moment.

Look, I’ve seen a lot in my time at Ex Boyfriend Recovery. I’ve had men and women tell me that they still feel depressed six months after a breakup and in that same line of thinking how long that depression is going to last (that is really up to you and how you handle this big choice I am talking about in this article.)

I’ve even had people claim that their breakup isn’t real or it doesn’t feel real.

Oh, and my personal favorite is the people who tell me that their breakup doesn’t make sense.

*rant time*

I am going to let you in on the secret of the breakup universe here. Your breakup doesn’t make sense for a few reasons.

Firstly, it doesn’t make sense because that is the nature of breakups.

They blindside you and leave you crying for days after the breakup.

Secondly, your ex is most likely not tell you why they really broke up with you.

Why?

Well, it’s because they are afraid to hurt your feelings with the truth.

I mean, think about it for a moment.

Let’s pretend for a moment that you were dating someone and you couldn’t stand the sight of them anymore. I mean, the thought of them literally repulsed you and made you do this,

So, you decide that you are going to have to break up with them.

Of course, when that inevitable breakup talk happens what is the very first question they ask you?

“Why? Why do you want to break up with me?”

You aren’t going to tell them that they are the ugliest human being you have ever met, are you? No, if you have any type of compassion you are going to make up some BS excuse and let that be that.

I can’t tell you how common of a practice this is.

But I am getting way off topic here.

I just want you to know that I get it….

I know this  is killing you…

I know it’s that you are devastated over your breakup

And the fact that you are going through a really tough time is making you super susceptible to making really dumb decisions after your breakup. In fact, I recently just put together a video covering some of those dumb decisions,

So, I want you to know that you aren’t alone.

But how you act after this breakup definitely has an impact on your chances.

For example, if you sat there and begged and pleaded for him back after a breakup to an extreme extent you probably aren’t helping your chances at all.

So, the general rule of thumb to remember here is that the more in line you are with my strategies after a breakup the better your overall chances become.

What Do You Do If You Are Devastated By Your Breakup, Again?

Lets do a quick recap here before I send you on your way 😉 .

The very first thing that I believe you should do is understand that you aren’t alone in this.

Too many people think they are the only ones going through a time where their breakup has consumed them and that isn’t the case. Heck, just take a look at our private facebook group to see how upset and depressed some of my clients are.

You aren’t alone, remember that.

The next thing I believe you should do is really take some time to determine what you want.

Figure out if you should simply forget about your ex and start the moving on process

Or

Figure out if you should attempt to get him back.

Now, I went on this big rant about how a lot of people struggle with this decision and how the best way to determine what you should do is determine what kind of chance you have of getting your ex back in general.

From there I talked about three factors that you need to look at to determine that and covered those factors in depth. Now, it’s easy for me to just say,

Ya… so you should read that and you should have a clear idea at what kind of chance you have. And if getting your ex back is even a realistic option.

But I don’t think it’s that cut and dry. Sometimes in order to get to the bottom of if this is even worth a go you have to have a dialogue.

So, here is what I am prepared to do for you.

Let’s have a dialogue about your situation below in the comments.

  1. Tell me what your relationship was like before the breakup
  2. What your breakup was actually like
  3. And what you have done after your breakup

And I will help you get to the bottom on if you have a good, average or low chance of getting your ex back. From there I think you can make a smart decision on how you want to approach your all consuming breakup.

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Written by EBR Teamate

Chris Seiter