What Should I Do If My Breakup Is Killing Me? It's Consuming My Every Thought

198 thoughts on “What Should I Do If My Breakup Is Killing Me?”

Cara

October 27, 2017 at 6:06 am

At one point should i consider unfriending my ex on Facebook? Or should I never do it at all? I feel like every time I log on (which is often) I live to go to his page to see when he was last active. It’s the only other way we have any connection besides texting. I’ve brought up my story many times on here. The short of it is he did apologize to me over 6 months ago and i do get satisfaction out of being able to tell he still checks out and compares my pics/posts. …but is it keeping me from moving on? I’ve tried all that I can do at this point and I think maybe it’s just best to cut him off but then I get scared to do it for the hope that he will have change of heart and regret with my posts. I strive to be the ungettable girl or at least portray that while I’m working on it on FB. But FB is my only tool to get to him if there’s any inkling of a future possibility. What is EBR’s stance on this?

EBR Team Member: Amor

October 30, 2017 at 8:09 pm

Hi Cara,

if you’re moving on, yes, unfriend him

Anna

October 26, 2017 at 9:59 pm

Hey Chris,

My ex-boyfriend broke up with me two months ago. It is our second break up. We have been together for 1,5 year. He is 24, I am 21.

The first time around we got back together after 1,5 month. I initiated contact first and basically followed your tips on how to get an ex back. We were together for four more months. But… eventually it did not last, he broke up with me right after we had been on (a very nice) summer vacation. The reason was a major fight. Our relationship has been plagued by many fights and disagreements. But it’s these small, stupid things we have fought about – completely ridiculous. Although we have been very passionate about each other and there has been a lot of good between us as well, which I still think is worth fighting for. Furthermore my ex has had a tendency of constantly “breaking up” every time we had a serious fight, just to regret it in minutes..
But this time around he doesn’t seem to look back. I did reach out to him a month ago (after 30 days of NC), he was still very angry with me, said he no longer loves me (first time he ever said that btw), he doesn’t want to talk etc. And he blocked me on Messenger, don’t know if my phone is blocked. Did not try to call.. I’m not surprised that he blocked… my emotions got a little out of control and I sent several txt messages, tried to call. I think he was still angry because I handled the break up pretty bad with begging.
So…. He has not reached out to me, and honestly don’t expect him to – he has the biggest ego ever. And will not do it, I think… He is probably convinced that we will never be able to work things out. I saw him once at uni and he did not even say “hi”.

I have to add that we share a lot of the same values, we agree on many subjects too, share common interests… We are good for each other in many ways – but those fights got completely out of hand, so there is definitely a deeper recurring problem that has to be fixed.

How do I salvage this situation? Do I have a chance or should I just move oooon? 😉

Best regards,
Anna

EBR Team Member: Amor

October 29, 2017 at 8:34 pm

HI Anna,
for me you should move on but if you want to wait, set a limit on until when.

Cecilie

October 26, 2017 at 8:24 pm

Hi!
So my ex and I were together for 4 years and he broke up with me 2 months ago. We had a great relationship before the breakup and we loved each other so much, but our last year was very tough with bad communication and misunderstandings which led to less intimacy. It all started because of busy work/school schedules. We didn’t have a lot of fights, but when we had a problem it would turn out to be a much bigger thing that it actually was and it just took a lot of energy to get us back to a happy and stabile place. In the end he couldn’t see it continuing like this and he didn’t know how to solve our problems.
Our breakup was pretty amicably with no drama. I cried a lot and he was devastated as well and told me he didn’t know if he was making the right decision or not.
After the breakup he texted me a couple of times, but I told him that I needed space and that he shouldn’t contact me for a while unless it was important.
It’s been a little over 2 months now and we haven’t had any contact. We still follow each other on social media but that’s it.

So what do you think my changes are of getting him back? At the same time I don’t even know if it’s a good idea to get back together :/
(We are both 28 years old)

EBR Team Member: Amor

October 29, 2017 at 11:27 am

Hi Cecilie,

if you’re not sure, don’t start building rapport.. You’ll only know your chances when you start building rapport.

Alex

October 25, 2017 at 7:02 pm

Hi,
I’m not exactly dying out of my breakup but still i feel pretty depressed sometimes (evenings) (now).It’s been 3 weeks from breakup and 2 weeks of my no contact (It would be 3 but i contacted him once after a week ’cause i didn’t know)
So our relationship (+2 years)was great ,we were really happy i think ,best friends even.After he lost his father (they weren’t on good terms but still)he started to has some problems with himself i think but i was there for him.Everything was pretty fine until our trip to Canada and i think i was annoying him too much (not on purpouse ,I was first time meeting with his family and i’m stressed over planes and it was long trip ).After that we had some problems but it wasn’t so bad until one day he suddenly broke up (everything was normal day before and every other day before)
The breakup was like cutting off your finger for 2 hours ’cause he wasn’t sure he wanted to do it when he come.I was crying ,he was crying.He told me that i’m too good for him and he won’t value me like i deserve it.Also that sometimes he isn’t sure about his feelings for me anymore and maybe it’s better to just split up.He also told me that he was processing it for a whole week.I thought that i could talk him out of this idea but it wasn’t the case.Yes,i begged him,i was crying,holding and grabing him(he didn’t push me back or anything,he let me do this) when he wanted to leave and he couldn’t leave either until i told him to just do so because i can’t look at it.I was really suprised.He actually after breakup called my best friend to come to me still crying while doing so.
I contacted him after few hours that i have to give him the stuff he gave me back,cause i can’t have it anymore and that i need to talk to him and it;s really important for me and he agreed.On the meeting next day i wasn’t crying ,just calmly talking but there was nothing to add and we said goodbye and hugged(so i think good terms).So i contacted him after a week because he removed me from snapchat (i know it’s a mistake now).I told him we were at good terms and to stop acting like kids,so he answered but neutral-rude way and ended the conversation.So it’s two weeks after that and with no contact.He liked my ig photo ,he started to like things with van Gogh (he never did before and he knows it;s my favourite painter) and some really sad and depressing quotes and to my suprise a fanpage of gallery that was kinda “ours”,i came with him there a few times and we really liked it there.I’m gonna see him next month (after no contact)because of our good friend birthday party.
Sorry for mistakes and chaos,im from Poland .
P.S I’m working on improving myself ,doing no contact and all of that.
This site is very helpful for me.Yet still i really miss him and just want bad times to end.

EBR Team Member: Amor

October 28, 2017 at 11:11 pm

Hi Alex,
That’s normal, you’re human and that’s the reason why you’re doing the no contact rule. Start the count after the last day you contacted him and be active in posting in social media..

Azi

October 25, 2017 at 3:24 pm

Hi Chris, so here’s my sad story:
1. What your relationship was like before the breakup
Me (26) and my Ex (29) were together for a year and a half. I was his first serious girlfriend, he was proud to introduce me to all of his closest friends. At the beggining, as usual, it was fantastic.
We had some mutual hobbies and we tried to spend as much time together as possible, however still both of us could handle some alone time, doing things on our own. I think I wasn’t very jealous, but who knows… After some time arguments started (when I think about it now I am very ashamed of how crazy I was and how I took him for granted). For me these fights were never a big deal, however my Ex kept it somewhere deep inside and thought he is not making me happy. Which was not true. We travelled a lot together, my parents took us for a weekend trip, my friends loved him and I felt loved by his friends. I felt truly happy and I could see that he is happy as well. I could count on him no matter what and he trusted me so much that he told me about very private things no one knows about (even his closest friends). He was never angry with me and he loved me unconditionally (or he seemed to…). When I try to think about it in more objective way I wouldn’t describe our relationship as a crazy rollercoaster, there was more good than bad things I guess.

So, to sum up: love and friendship, arguments from time to time, me being crazy from time to time, both feeling that we are meant to be together forever

2. What your breakup was actually like
We met to talk about something we argued about the day before – he told me that day that he is afraid that he will let me down if he didn’t propose to me in two years time. For me proposal was never a big deal, however I wanted to feel that I’m taken seriously and I am with someone who wants to start a family someday even if he doesn’t want to start it with me (it was more about whether we share the same values, rather than ‘where’s my ring?!?!!?’, I still have time to get married). So we met and talked for a very long time. In fact, he told me that I’m The One, if it wasn’t me he would be alone, how immensely I changed his life and that he can’t imagine creating a family with someone else, but he is not ready yet and he doesn’t know if he will ever be ready (he has some family issues and because of that is very afraid that he will make the same mistakes as his parents). And then, all of a sudden, he said „we should break up”. There was pathetic begging and crying on my side, I was completely surprised and upset.
What’s strange is that I think both of us could not see it coming (he looked surprised as well). We were just going to start planning our next journey together (it was his idea!!), we had so many plans.
I thought we broke up because of the marriage thing, but our mutual friend told me that my Ex confessed to him that it was because of our fights.

3. And what you have done after your breakup
After more than a week later we met again – he wanted to clarify things (it was his idea, not mine). Well, nothing was clarified, fortunately I was strong enough to stay calm and positive, wishing him all the best. He said he loves me, but after words ‘break up’ came out of his mouth, he started to love me in a different way (whatever that means…). He also brought up one of our arguments and told me how hurt he felt then. I guess this memory will haunt me for a very long time… Even now when I think about it I feel like a cr*p for being such a crazy girlfriend. He also said that we’ll never be friends again, it’s done, „never again” etc. I asked him to give me a second chance, but he told me that I was already given one six months before (which I didn’t know about…)

After all of this I found your site and started NC for 35 days. I tried to stay as positive and strong as possible, but to be honest, I had some ‘weak’ days. I took dancing classes (I took similar classes with my Ex before), started learning new language, travelled abroad for short vacay, bought a car, started learning how to drive a motorcycle, met with all my friends, gone to cinema, theather, parties, even been on two dates. (Me and my Ex are not friends on fb (we’ve never been, because we are not very ‘online/active’ people, but I posted few things on fb, new profile picture etc.).

After the NC was over I wrote to my Ex „Guess what” message. He kindly replied but ended a conversation all in one message. So I decided to give him more time and wrote 5 days later again. This time with „interesting weird” story I actually had at the gym. He replied after 7 hours with smiley face, nothing more. That was almost two weeks ago…

I must admit that it all seems to me that I have no chance in getting him back. My texts went horribly wrong I guess and he doesn’t want me in his life anymore. I lost my chance… I believe that he is so stubborn that he will stick with his decision even though it makes him unhappy. I know that he’s not seeing anyone else. There’s no way for me to show him that I understood what went wrong, that I had no understanding for his feelings. I already know that I can be relatively happy by myself, I like my life now, but still want him to be a part of it.

Thank you for your help.

EBR Team Member: Amor

October 28, 2017 at 11:01 pm

Hi Azi,

let’s day he doesn’t want you and he has moved on, how are you going to attract a person who is basically a stranger but is not because you know his interests already?

Tommy

October 25, 2017 at 5:09 am

I’m actually a guy and was in a relationship with my ex girlfriend for about 8 months. Our relationship during was great. She loved me so much and I loved her. She always told me she never wanted to lose me. We were pretty obsessed with each other. We fought a lot though mostly because of me starting the fights and she ended up breaking up with me. It was a bad breakup because I was going through severe depression and I begged and pleaded and wouldn’t leave her alone. Ended up blocked from everything and she changed her number too. I’ve been blocked for almost 4 months…I love her a lot and she said she loved me more than anyone, but now she’s treating me like a crazy person so I don’t get it. We broke up in June and I’ve been blocked since July. What are my chances?

EBR Team Member: Amor

October 28, 2017 at 7:15 pm

Hi Tommy,

Even if you were blocked, were you active in posting? And how much did you improve yourself?

Alyssa De La O

October 24, 2017 at 11:15 pm

I wanted to receive some feedback about my break-up, and find out how I can have some closure by answering your questions.

1.) So my relationship in the end was okay, or at least that is how I saw it at the time. In the beginning it was nice and eventually felt like I found the one. However, everything happened so fast. I had just ended my engagement and before you know it he was telling me he loved me a month after just talking as friends. I did not say it till later though. I felt that it was moving a little too fast since a few days before I ended my engagement he was telling me I was the one and that he wanted to marry and have kids with me. This was the beginning of my anxiety. I begin to have a bad gut feeling, which never went away throughout the relationship. I still felt I needed to heal from the failed engagement and every time I tried to put boundaries, it would upset him and he would seem sad. So at the time I felt I should not say anything because I did not want to lose him. Well fast forward six months, I have anxiety and depression. At the time I could not then understand why I was feeling this way. His advice was that I was making myself feel that way. He was doing everything right, or so I felt due to the fact I was blinded by love. Well a week before we broke up he was called for a mission from the army reserves and he would be back in about a week. The days before he left I had a bad inner feeling. There was something wrong and he was not telling me. I confronted him about it and I was considered crazy and we had a small argument. But made up after.

2.) Well then fast forward a few days before he gets back, he tells me he is taking a job overseas, which we already arranged we’d still be together if he took the job. However, the next day I ask what is going to happen to us and that is when it happened. Over text he told me it was over and that he would only be making my life harder and that I deserved better. I needed to live my life and I needed to get a better job/car. I was young and I needed to date other guys. And that he knew about the job offering before he left on the mission and did not inform me because there was not “enough time.” In addition, I asked him would he miss me because of being long-distant, and he responded “honestly, no.” And that is how it ended. Overall, it left me confused and hurt because this was the same guy who looked at me in the eyes the day before he left on the mission and said “I’m never leaving you, I love you.”

3.) After the break-up I was devastated and lost for words. I texted him the first four days after the break-up asking him what was the real reason and telling him that I was devastated. After the fourth day, I decided to give up. I gave up on the fact that I was not going to fight for someone who was not going to fight for me. I started to apply for full time jobs and invested my energy into writing a book I have been wanting to work on for a while, and finding myself. I have already been called by three of the seven jobs for interviews, so I am excited about that. I have done the NC rule for almost two months and he still has not contacted me.

-He is leaving overseas in about four days and it is hitting me kind of hard. Similarly, like it did in the beginning. What I am having trouble is deciding if he is the victim in this situation or am I? His argument is, “look how I am suffering and sacrificing by letting you go.” But the thing is, if he really loved me like he said he did, wouldn’t have he had fought for me and not let me go? I am not sure what to think.

EBR Team Member: Amor

October 28, 2017 at 6:28 pm

Hi Alyssa,

No,.he’s not the victim..

Catalina

October 24, 2017 at 11:15 pm

Hi Chris and EBR,

Well, during the relationship everything seemed going along just fine. He’s in grad school, I’m working on starting a career. So yes we were both pretty stressed, and we could only see each other about once a week due to scheduling. We never fought, laughed often, always joked, and were passionate (to say the least). Over the course of our one year relationship, he broke up with me three times (bear with me here). The first time he called me less than 24 hours later saying he wanted to talk things out. The second time I asked to talk things out about a week later. He listened. We discussed. He said I was the perfect girlfriend, but he didn’t know what he wanted. He called me two days later asking for another chance. (Yes I gave it to him…) The third and final time was about four months ago. He said he didn’t feel with me what he felt with his ex and didn’t think it was fair to me if we stayed together. Each time he expressed he tended to get cold feet with his exes and was trying to work on that and be less caught up in his head.

The breakup was amicable. I mean, of course there were tears. But we hugged goodbye and said goodnight. A week later I asked to meet up just so I could get some closure. When we met up I said my peace, but didn’t ask for another chance or anything like that. We both said we care deeply about one another, share romantic feelings, enjoy spending time together, and admitted that we are deeply attracted to each other in a physical sense. But he still didn’t want anything at the time. We continued texting for a couple days, and then I did a full month of No Contact. Summer was the perfect time for me to heal, but I realized I still love him even though I probably have every reason to hate him. He only reached out to me once during no contact. Once the 30 days were up I started texting him. Things seemed to be good. We ended up meeting to grab coffee and catch up. It wasn’t awkward at all, and we laughed and joked.

Here’s the thing though. I live with severe anxiety/panic attacks and bouts of depression. I know this took a toll on our relationship, probably relying on him too much to help me cope, which is unhealthy and unfair. During the last few months I feel like I reached a much better place mentally. While texting him post-no contact, I only reached out to him via text twice to talk things through while I dealt with my anxiety. He assured me I was not bothering him and that he “just wanted to help.” I’m now in another no contact phase after having a particularly bad break down to him, wanting to give him space.

So that’s it, EBR. Do you think i realistically have a chance? He finishes grad school in December, and knowing how much stress and pressure he has from that, I truly believe he will be in a better position and want a relationship once that is done.

EBR Team Member: Amor

October 28, 2017 at 4:56 pm

Hi Catalina,

It depends more on how much you can build rapport after your second nc..

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198 thoughts on “What Should I Do If My Breakup Is Killing Me?”