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193 thoughts on “What Should I Do If My Breakup Is Killing Me?”

  1. Avatar

    Azi

    October 25, 2017 at 3:24 pm

    Hi Chris, so here’s my sad story:
    1. What your relationship was like before the breakup
    Me (26) and my Ex (29) were together for a year and a half. I was his first serious girlfriend, he was proud to introduce me to all of his closest friends. At the beggining, as usual, it was fantastic.
    We had some mutual hobbies and we tried to spend as much time together as possible, however still both of us could handle some alone time, doing things on our own. I think I wasn’t very jealous, but who knows… After some time arguments started (when I think about it now I am very ashamed of how crazy I was and how I took him for granted). For me these fights were never a big deal, however my Ex kept it somewhere deep inside and thought he is not making me happy. Which was not true. We travelled a lot together, my parents took us for a weekend trip, my friends loved him and I felt loved by his friends. I felt truly happy and I could see that he is happy as well. I could count on him no matter what and he trusted me so much that he told me about very private things no one knows about (even his closest friends). He was never angry with me and he loved me unconditionally (or he seemed to…). When I try to think about it in more objective way I wouldn’t describe our relationship as a crazy rollercoaster, there was more good than bad things I guess.

    So, to sum up: love and friendship, arguments from time to time, me being crazy from time to time, both feeling that we are meant to be together forever

    2. What your breakup was actually like
    We met to talk about something we argued about the day before – he told me that day that he is afraid that he will let me down if he didn’t propose to me in two years time. For me proposal was never a big deal, however I wanted to feel that I’m taken seriously and I am with someone who wants to start a family someday even if he doesn’t want to start it with me (it was more about whether we share the same values, rather than ‘where’s my ring?!?!!?’, I still have time to get married). So we met and talked for a very long time. In fact, he told me that I’m The One, if it wasn’t me he would be alone, how immensely I changed his life and that he can’t imagine creating a family with someone else, but he is not ready yet and he doesn’t know if he will ever be ready (he has some family issues and because of that is very afraid that he will make the same mistakes as his parents). And then, all of a sudden, he said „we should break up”. There was pathetic begging and crying on my side, I was completely surprised and upset.
    What’s strange is that I think both of us could not see it coming (he looked surprised as well). We were just going to start planning our next journey together (it was his idea!!), we had so many plans.
    I thought we broke up because of the marriage thing, but our mutual friend told me that my Ex confessed to him that it was because of our fights.

    3. And what you have done after your breakup
    After more than a week later we met again – he wanted to clarify things (it was his idea, not mine). Well, nothing was clarified, fortunately I was strong enough to stay calm and positive, wishing him all the best. He said he loves me, but after words ‘break up’ came out of his mouth, he started to love me in a different way (whatever that means…). He also brought up one of our arguments and told me how hurt he felt then. I guess this memory will haunt me for a very long time… Even now when I think about it I feel like a cr*p for being such a crazy girlfriend. He also said that we’ll never be friends again, it’s done, „never again” etc. I asked him to give me a second chance, but he told me that I was already given one six months before (which I didn’t know about…)

    After all of this I found your site and started NC for 35 days. I tried to stay as positive and strong as possible, but to be honest, I had some ‘weak’ days. I took dancing classes (I took similar classes with my Ex before), started learning new language, travelled abroad for short vacay, bought a car, started learning how to drive a motorcycle, met with all my friends, gone to cinema, theather, parties, even been on two dates. (Me and my Ex are not friends on fb (we’ve never been, because we are not very ‘online/active’ people, but I posted few things on fb, new profile picture etc.).

    After the NC was over I wrote to my Ex „Guess what” message. He kindly replied but ended a conversation all in one message. So I decided to give him more time and wrote 5 days later again. This time with „interesting weird” story I actually had at the gym. He replied after 7 hours with smiley face, nothing more. That was almost two weeks ago…

    I must admit that it all seems to me that I have no chance in getting him back. My texts went horribly wrong I guess and he doesn’t want me in his life anymore. I lost my chance… I believe that he is so stubborn that he will stick with his decision even though it makes him unhappy. I know that he’s not seeing anyone else. There’s no way for me to show him that I understood what went wrong, that I had no understanding for his feelings. I already know that I can be relatively happy by myself, I like my life now, but still want him to be a part of it.

    Thank you for your help.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 28, 2017 at 11:01 pm

      Hi Azi,

      let’s day he doesn’t want you and he has moved on, how are you going to attract a person who is basically a stranger but is not because you know his interests already?

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    Tommy

    October 25, 2017 at 5:09 am

    I’m actually a guy and was in a relationship with my ex girlfriend for about 8 months. Our relationship during was great. She loved me so much and I loved her. She always told me she never wanted to lose me. We were pretty obsessed with each other. We fought a lot though mostly because of me starting the fights and she ended up breaking up with me. It was a bad breakup because I was going through severe depression and I begged and pleaded and wouldn’t leave her alone. Ended up blocked from everything and she changed her number too. I’ve been blocked for almost 4 months…I love her a lot and she said she loved me more than anyone, but now she’s treating me like a crazy person so I don’t get it. We broke up in June and I’ve been blocked since July. What are my chances?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 28, 2017 at 7:15 pm

      Hi Tommy,

      Even if you were blocked, were you active in posting? And how much did you improve yourself?

  3. Avatar

    Alyssa De La O

    October 24, 2017 at 11:15 pm

    I wanted to receive some feedback about my break-up, and find out how I can have some closure by answering your questions.

    1.) So my relationship in the end was okay, or at least that is how I saw it at the time. In the beginning it was nice and eventually felt like I found the one. However, everything happened so fast. I had just ended my engagement and before you know it he was telling me he loved me a month after just talking as friends. I did not say it till later though. I felt that it was moving a little too fast since a few days before I ended my engagement he was telling me I was the one and that he wanted to marry and have kids with me. This was the beginning of my anxiety. I begin to have a bad gut feeling, which never went away throughout the relationship. I still felt I needed to heal from the failed engagement and every time I tried to put boundaries, it would upset him and he would seem sad. So at the time I felt I should not say anything because I did not want to lose him. Well fast forward six months, I have anxiety and depression. At the time I could not then understand why I was feeling this way. His advice was that I was making myself feel that way. He was doing everything right, or so I felt due to the fact I was blinded by love. Well a week before we broke up he was called for a mission from the army reserves and he would be back in about a week. The days before he left I had a bad inner feeling. There was something wrong and he was not telling me. I confronted him about it and I was considered crazy and we had a small argument. But made up after.

    2.) Well then fast forward a few days before he gets back, he tells me he is taking a job overseas, which we already arranged we’d still be together if he took the job. However, the next day I ask what is going to happen to us and that is when it happened. Over text he told me it was over and that he would only be making my life harder and that I deserved better. I needed to live my life and I needed to get a better job/car. I was young and I needed to date other guys. And that he knew about the job offering before he left on the mission and did not inform me because there was not “enough time.” In addition, I asked him would he miss me because of being long-distant, and he responded “honestly, no.” And that is how it ended. Overall, it left me confused and hurt because this was the same guy who looked at me in the eyes the day before he left on the mission and said “I’m never leaving you, I love you.”

    3.) After the break-up I was devastated and lost for words. I texted him the first four days after the break-up asking him what was the real reason and telling him that I was devastated. After the fourth day, I decided to give up. I gave up on the fact that I was not going to fight for someone who was not going to fight for me. I started to apply for full time jobs and invested my energy into writing a book I have been wanting to work on for a while, and finding myself. I have already been called by three of the seven jobs for interviews, so I am excited about that. I have done the NC rule for almost two months and he still has not contacted me.

    -He is leaving overseas in about four days and it is hitting me kind of hard. Similarly, like it did in the beginning. What I am having trouble is deciding if he is the victim in this situation or am I? His argument is, “look how I am suffering and sacrificing by letting you go.” But the thing is, if he really loved me like he said he did, wouldn’t have he had fought for me and not let me go? I am not sure what to think.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 28, 2017 at 6:28 pm

      Hi Alyssa,

      No,.he’s not the victim..

  4. Avatar

    Catalina

    October 24, 2017 at 11:15 pm

    Hi Chris and EBR,

    Well, during the relationship everything seemed going along just fine. He’s in grad school, I’m working on starting a career. So yes we were both pretty stressed, and we could only see each other about once a week due to scheduling. We never fought, laughed often, always joked, and were passionate (to say the least). Over the course of our one year relationship, he broke up with me three times (bear with me here). The first time he called me less than 24 hours later saying he wanted to talk things out. The second time I asked to talk things out about a week later. He listened. We discussed. He said I was the perfect girlfriend, but he didn’t know what he wanted. He called me two days later asking for another chance. (Yes I gave it to him…) The third and final time was about four months ago. He said he didn’t feel with me what he felt with his ex and didn’t think it was fair to me if we stayed together. Each time he expressed he tended to get cold feet with his exes and was trying to work on that and be less caught up in his head.

    The breakup was amicable. I mean, of course there were tears. But we hugged goodbye and said goodnight. A week later I asked to meet up just so I could get some closure. When we met up I said my peace, but didn’t ask for another chance or anything like that. We both said we care deeply about one another, share romantic feelings, enjoy spending time together, and admitted that we are deeply attracted to each other in a physical sense. But he still didn’t want anything at the time. We continued texting for a couple days, and then I did a full month of No Contact. Summer was the perfect time for me to heal, but I realized I still love him even though I probably have every reason to hate him. He only reached out to me once during no contact. Once the 30 days were up I started texting him. Things seemed to be good. We ended up meeting to grab coffee and catch up. It wasn’t awkward at all, and we laughed and joked.

    Here’s the thing though. I live with severe anxiety/panic attacks and bouts of depression. I know this took a toll on our relationship, probably relying on him too much to help me cope, which is unhealthy and unfair. During the last few months I feel like I reached a much better place mentally. While texting him post-no contact, I only reached out to him via text twice to talk things through while I dealt with my anxiety. He assured me I was not bothering him and that he “just wanted to help.” I’m now in another no contact phase after having a particularly bad break down to him, wanting to give him space.

    So that’s it, EBR. Do you think i realistically have a chance? He finishes grad school in December, and knowing how much stress and pressure he has from that, I truly believe he will be in a better position and want a relationship once that is done.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 28, 2017 at 4:56 pm

      Hi Catalina,

      It depends more on how much you can build rapport after your second nc..

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