What Is It That Makes An Ex Boyfriend Want To Come Back After A Breakup?

517 thoughts on “What Makes An Ex Boyfriend Want To Come Back After A Breakup?”

Michaela

October 18, 2016 at 3:31 pm

My ex boyfriend and I have been off and on for the last 2 years. He is a couple years younger than me. We also have a baby together. He has broke up with me 4 times now and always has a new girlfriend within a week if us breaking up. When he comes back to me we seem to be doing great. But then he goes to school… and we break up again… does he just need to mature? We were like best friends! And we had so much in common. Everyone loved us together. But he lives with his mom and 3 small siblings. Idk if it could be stress in him doing everything for his siblings and me getting mad at him for not helping me with our son puts too much stress on him or what? Idk. I really thought he was the one. But this time seems different. He told me he is done and he is never coming back. I miss not only my best friend but the relationship we had. We first met each other as a one night stand but then we realized how much we had in common. When we broke up this last time he also said we based everything off of sex….. but I didn’t think it was true. His family lives me and my family loves him. He thought of my dad like his own dad. It just breaks my heart… I really want us to work out.

EBR Team Member: Amor

October 20, 2016 at 1:28 pm

Hi Michaela,

You need to listen to this.
EBR 056: My Ex Boyfriend Cheated On Me Multiple Times… What Do I Do?

Michaela

October 18, 2016 at 2:24 pm

Me and my ex have been together off and on for 2 years. He always seems to leave me for another girl. This last time he said he’s done and he’s never coming back.. we have a child together too. I want to make things work because I do love him and we are so alike and we were best friends. Do you think we will ever be happy or get back together?

EBR Team Member: Amor

October 20, 2016 at 1:28 pm

Hi Michaela,

You need to listen to this.
EBR 056: My Ex Boyfriend Cheated On Me Multiple Times… What Do I Do?

Debbie

October 15, 2016 at 8:26 am

Hi, My boyfriend of 1 year just broke up with me. We were friends for 2 years before we became lovers. He broke up with my because of my trust issues. I have been in a number of untrusting, abusive relationships before. When we were together we NEVER argued but when we were apart I occasionally had problems trusting him and there were isolated incidents. 4 weeks ago I got it in my head he was seeing my friend and started to accuse him. He came up to mine and we talked and agreed to try. Then it started again. He came up again and we talked. He said he could not imagine his life without me, he loved me and I was everything he wanted but the trust issue was breaking him and he wasn’t the man he’d been 4 wks earlier. He said that there was a small part of him that wanted to keep trying at us and that he wanted space. When I said I would give it him and not make any contact he said he wanted to keep in touch but not see each other, so I did and things were ok until 4 days ago I made another comment about my friend and him and he dumped me. He said he’d had enough of relationships and didn’t care if he grew old alone and was sick of having to defend himself re the trust. He suffers with depression and is very emotional and closes off when he is like that. He sees everything as emotional confrontation. I have been trying to make him see/remember how good we were together and get him back but he will not change his mind and says my behaviour will not change. (he’s stubborn too). He should have met up with me 2 days ago so we could end it face to face but he said he couldn’t because it was all making him feel ill so I went down to his work last night with some of his belongings. He was shocked and actually looked scared of me but we talked. Although I was really upset I put on a brave smiley face so that he was ok. He was in tears and clearly upset. he kissed me on the cheek when he got off the train. I had written him a nice letter and he messaged me to say thank you and he knew how hard it would have been for me to see him and he appreciated it. He also said, like he has done a number of times, that he had NEVER cheated on me or betrayed me and he wanted me to believe that. The messages ended with me saying night night and him replying and also saying night night. I know he still loves me, fancies me and has feelings for me. I just think his head is all over the place at the moment. If I do the no contact rule do you think there is any chance I can get him back? and how should I make contact with him again?

Debbie

November 1, 2016 at 7:03 pm

Hi Amor…….Do you think I should do NC again??…At the moment I really don’t think he will come back to me because I have hurt him too much….why would he come back to someone who doesn’t trust him. In our last conversation he said “I want you to be happy, I want you to get over this trust issue for when you meet someone else…..which you undoubtedly will. Take care always…
EBR Team Member: Amor

November 2, 2016 at 7:26 pm

actually that means he just wants you to move on.. which is actually a better option because of the circumstances now but if you can’t do it, the least you can do is to do another no contact to help yourself really change and to help him think you’ve accepted his decision and decided to move on.. and that means you have to do at least 45 days too.. though doing repeated no contact period also decreases it’s chances of it working because it would like a pattern
Ellie

October 30, 2016 at 11:53 am

Hi Anon…….Do you think I should do NC again??…At the moment I really don’t think he will come back to me because I have hurt him too much….why would he come back to someone who doesn’t trust him. In our last conversation he said “I want you to be happy, I want you to get over this trust issue for when you meet someone else…..which you undoubtedly will. Take care always…
Debbie

October 28, 2016 at 10:03 am

Hi Amor

So things have got even worse in the last few days. I made the mistake of texting/calling him too much. The more I texted and called and the less he replied. It got to the point last night where he told me he didn’t want to be in contact with me anymore. I then did another stupid thing and accused him of seeing someone else…….again!….his last words were “I didn’t want ANY OF this” meaning he hadn’t wanted to break up but I wore him down after he had repeatedly begged me to believe he wasn’t cheating. I feel TERRIBLE now!…I feel like I have thrown away the best thing that ever happened to me and he will NEVER come back in case I hurt him again. I’m devastated. Up until 3 weeks ago there were no problems in our relationship. I’m such an idiot. I REALLY want him back.
EBR Team Member: Amor

October 28, 2016 at 10:30 pm

so, are you going for a full no contact again?
Debbie

October 27, 2016 at 9:48 am

So now everything has changed again!
When we first split I didn’t contact him for 5 days. When I broke NC he was quite receptive and we were getting on well. T more we talked the more it turned into a game of who had hurt who the most(he keeps bringing up my friend w ho I have known for 12 years and had a 6 week relationship with 12 years ago. He was asking me why I never told him about it, then he seemed peeved that I went for lunch with him last week. when I asked him why he wa so cold towards me he said “change that word to numb” and that the last few weeks of our relationship had made him feel numb. Do you think I s should start the again for a few weeks? In a text conversation with him yesterday he said he thought that contact constantly is not a good thing for either of us
Debbie

October 24, 2016 at 2:42 pm

I have just had a text conversation with him about our relationship….
I have applied for another job in a town quite far away. When I told him he replied within minutes and asked about it and if it was still the job we both do now. and what it was…I told him a little about it but not too much. He then said “I hope it all goes well. I mean that” I asked him what he meant by that and he just said it was an expression. We got talking about the relationship and I asked how he could just throw it all away. He then came back and said I had a nerve and I hadn’t got a clue how he feels and that I was trying to act like the victim in all this. I told him I had loved him but he wasn’t interested and he replied by saying he had been interested but he just couldn’t take anymore and I couldn’t see that. I asked him what he meant and he said the accusations had got horrendous for him and he knew the relationship hadn’t always been like that but recently it was awful. I feel that he does still care about/love me but he is still hurt by the last two weeks of our relationship and he actually thinks he is a victim. How long should I give him to come round? We are still on talking terms so I don’t want to do NC for too long. What do you think?… Shall I just leave it now for a week? I want to prove to him I can change re my insecurities and I know we can be happy again.
EBR Team Member: Amor

October 25, 2016 at 12:22 pm

Realistically, one week is not enough to show you have changed.. it will take time..I dont know how long for sure but what’s good is that it depends in you.. That’s your responsibility and if you genuinely change, no words nor convincing is needed because it will show.. In fact, if you really changed, you wouldnt try to convince him..you’ll just have fun and if it doesnt work out you’ll move on because you known you’ve done what you can and it’s not your fault anymore if he still thinks the same way..
Debbie

October 23, 2016 at 4:19 pm

Ok, will do. Thanks
We have been messaging for the last 3 days. (I’ve been messaging him and he’s been replying) but the conversation has been good. He keeps telling me to look after myself and don’t beat myself up about what happened with us. He also keeps saying that he hopes I am having a nice weekend. I went to a hen do last night, which I told him about in conversation 3 days ago. When we were messaging yesterday he mentioned the hen do in 2 messages and said he hoped I had a nice time. I think that the hen do, like my male friend last week is playing on his mind. I’ve decided not to contact him now for a few days and let him wonder about the hen do and if I’d met someone else…..Do you think this is a good plan??
Debbie

October 20, 2016 at 8:25 pm

I would just like to add that it would seem he doesn’t contact me until I contact him….then he replies. Is he just being polite by replying and answering my calls? surely if he was missing me he would initiate contact?
EBR Team Member: Amor

October 22, 2016 at 11:43 am

more likely, yes, he’s just being polite but if you kept doing nc, it would have less effect..So, instead of restarting it evertime you break it, just continue talking it for now
Debbie

October 17, 2016 at 10:58 pm

Ok I’ll try it. Is he likely to be missing me?…He is a 50 year old man who has two grown up daughters and lives with one of them and her partner, only has a few friends who he never sees and doesn’t really go out socialising. I am 10 years younger than him with my own house and do like socialising. I have been friends for 12 years with a guy who I was in a VERY brief relationship with 11 years ago. My ex is a bit jealous of this male friend, although he has never met him. I met my friend for lunch last week before I met my ex with his belongings (the last time I spoke to him) I told him I had spoken to my friend and he had thought it was a good idea I take my ex his property back. My ex didn’t say anything at the time but now I’m wondering if he thought I was moving on with my friend (would NEVER happen) I’m hoping that wont stop my ex getting in contact with me
EBR Team Member: Amor

October 18, 2016 at 8:20 pm

that’s ok as long as you dont post something thay really indicates you’ve moved on to your friend…
Debbie

October 16, 2016 at 3:32 pm

I find it really hard to understand how in just over a week he has gone from really loving me(in his words) and not being able to imagine his life without me….to this?!!
EBR Team Member: Amor

October 17, 2016 at 8:28 pm

you cant control how he feels.. you can only control yourself..your best option is not to chase him and to focus in improving yourself..that way, once you initiate contact, it wont be that awkward.. he has to think you’re just being friendly and not out there to try it again.. check this for a first contact text:
EBR 053: Deconstructing The Perfect First Contact Text Message
Debbie

October 16, 2016 at 3:26 pm

Thanks, I’m not sure how I should initiate contact with him again after the NC. He might thinks its strange i’ve made contact again and become suspicious of my intentions.

I really love him and I know he loves me. I’m so frustrated and finding it so hard not to contact him. I don’t want him to move on in the next 30 days.
Debbie

October 16, 2016 at 8:50 am

Just to add, when he dumped me I referred him back to two weeks earlier when he was at my house and he told me he really loved me and couldn’t imagine his life without me in it and that I am everything he could ever want, but he felt numb and wanted to sort his head and feelings out. We continued to talk through the two weeks though and he didn’t get his space. Then when he dumped me he said he had asked me for space and I hadn’t given it to him. He also said that I would never change and he didn’t want to get back together then my mistrust of him reappear a few weeks down the line. I asked about being friends and he said that eventually we could be and we could speak occasionally but he didn’t want to give me mixed signals that we could get back together. I asked him if he loved me and he said that he doesn’t know how he feels anymore and that my mistrust has gutted him, stressed him out and made him feel ill. He also said that he’s sick and tired of relationships, he wants to be on his own, not worry about trust, and if he could pack a bag and go away fro a month he would.
EBR Team Member: Amor

October 16, 2016 at 3:07 pm

Hi Debbie,

So, bottomline he’s really tired of defending of himself. It’s not a guarantee that the no contact rule will work but if he needs space then take that opportunity to start a 30 day period of no contact and change.. Start improving yourself. You won’t be totally changed after 30 days.. That’s impossible but it’s start. Have therapy, make a new routine, join classes or volunteer and make new friends, have a makeover.. and then after 30 initiate contact.. slowly rebuild rapport with him
Debbie

October 16, 2016 at 8:27 am

???

anon.

October 10, 2016 at 8:21 pm

Sorry if this is long….My ex, BF broke up with me a month before i turned 19. we dated for 11 months. Long story short, His mother had kept trying to convince him i was a terrible person and told him several lies about me, that he in returned believed. Even if he saw what happened and witnessed it with his very own eyes. he’d still convinced himself she was telling the truth. HE also had insecurities related to his masculinity. as if he wasn’t “A MAN” enough. Even though there was no question that he acted like a true male. He just didnt get drunk,smoke, do drugs, and sleep around with girls. He was EXTREAMLY selfless. he would jump on his bike and ride it about 10 to 15 miles for like 45 minutes to and hour just so he could see me because he couldn’t drive at the time. and sometimes did it day after day back and forth from his house to mine.Even in inclement weather, Picture a cloudy day, rain pooring down and a reasonbly fit guy petaling as hard and fast as he could down the highway just to get to me for over and hour, i would open my door just to find him standing there drenched as if he jumped into a pool with water dripping down his hair onto his face, shivering because he was freezing and a big smile on his face. I would welcome him in, dry him off,sit him down, wrap a thick quilt around him and give him something hot to drink.He would give me the shirt off his back if i needed it. he emptied his pocket for me, in which i never asked him too, most of the time it was to feed me(which ment alot to me because i was under weight and very hungry most of the time then) He’d come to my house and clean for me while i rested and smiled while he did it. this guys selflessness brought me to TEARS. and he never asked for sex ONCE. i would be so confused, and i would often ask him “why are you doing all this??!”and he wouldn’t simply say. “Because i Love you…” and would give me a big smile and stare at me, He even said(tough he never proposed) that seriously wanted to marry me and have a family together. His mom thought it was “cute” at first, but then as time kept going by she started slowly distancing herself from me, and then finally said to him “I don’t like her anymore” “why are you doing so much for her??” “you need to be free,you’re to young” then it escalated to her gossiping about me, then just straight up lying about something i did that i didn’t do. and he started believing her, and slowly started taking his love back. and while he did it, you could see the pain and confusion in his face. he had always been close to his mother…so i was losing. after constantly attacking me about things his mother had said about me, he finally left me. but still wanted to be “friends”.. and was still afraid of losing me for some reason, He even told me “i Ioved you to much…” which sounded like something his mother told him to say. when he broke up with me, i remember storming away in agony and disgust. and i could see his shadow still following after mine as if he was chasing me back down. just to turn around and see him standing there with that same troubled look like”wtf am i doing and whats going on..” i stayed friends with him for about 5months afterwards and we still kept getting into the same arguments like we were at the end of our relationship he came home one time from the service and begged to see me, his mother wanted to go Christmas shopping with him but he desired to see me instead. I remember him saying in his own words “she was not happy at all…” when he went back to see me. he kept saying “i miss you, i miss you, i missed you!” we ended up “making out” furiously just for us to still remain friends. i finally put my foot down and said “you keep saying you want us to be just friends, but you wanna act different when you see me after a long time. this will not be happening again. after one last argument, i told him i was leaving him for good this time, at least for a year and a half. he begged not for me to cut communications and said “but what if you don’t ever come back?..” but i did anyways. he tried to contact me through text a few times and i ignored him, he tried to reach me through my family and i told them “no” . fast forward into the future its been 3 1/2 years.i am now 23, i never came back, never spoke a word to him. but, he has showed back up and now i have no idea what to do, im torn. he showed up like a random surprise. My Mother recently passed, and he popped up at her funereal, when we made eye contact you could feel the awkwardness. i thought “oh crap he actually heard and showed up” he had the same troubled look on his face and almost somewhat frightened at how i would react to almost 4 years of no contact, him showing up. after getting over the shock, i just gently stretched my arms out and smiled and motioned him to come and give me a hug, he took it with glee. He said “when i heard from your brother that your mom had died i literally broke down and cried…. i had to go to the funeral, so i took off work and i drove 6 hours to make sure i would be here.” i said “WHAT?? you drove 6 HOURS JUST TO COME TO MY MOMS FUNERAL???” and he said “It was the longest drive i have ever made but i had too!” since he’s in the service the only way i can see him taking off was he had to put it as “Death in the family”, in which his superiors gave him and extra day off work and i couldn’t help but think “theres that selflessness yet again…”. anyways, we talked, updated each other on some events that had happened over time. and which each conversation he kept interrupting it with. ” I missed you, i missed you, i missed you! i really REALLY MISS YOU” i thought “oh lawd the i miss you’s are still there.. now is not the time” we later met up at my house after the funeral and had to have the “talk” He continued the ” I missed you’s” and said” i had so many sleepless nights thinking about you, i just could never get over you” “i was wondering where you were and how you were doing” “i needed to talk to you..””i was afraid of how you would react if i came all the way up here to support your moms funeral..”” if you had dissed me, i would have just went to the cemetery and then just drive straight back home, and go back to work..” i admit that made me a bit sad…then he proceeded to say ” I LOVE YOU!…. i haven’t loved any other girl since we broke up, i dated only one girl for 5 months.. and i didn’t feel any love towards her.. i didnt even LOVE her.. ” a part of me didnt know if i should believe him and i still don’t know. but he continued to beg me to give him another chance telling me “I was young!, and immature and i had alot going through my mind at the time, i was confused, i just needed time to grow up some and mature, and i have been living on my own now for 3 years, ive had time to mature!, and plus the fact the my mother kept “whispering” stuff in my ear!” and i was listening to her”
I continued to explain the hurtful words he said to me that had plagued me for years now . and he said ” Did i really say that!?? OMG!” and repeatedly he said over again ” *insert my name* I am SO SORRY!! FOR ALL OF THE HEART ACHE I HAVE CAUSED i dont know how i could ever redeem myself. i was and asshole, all i can keep saying is that i am SORRY , SO SORRY that i hurt you and made you suffer so badly! i never EVER wanted to hurt you!” “can you not give me another chance???” “you speak as though its over for good for us now, like its too late!””at least “try” me!” i cant just throw away our memories like they never happened, we were so close! it was almost as though we were twins! (this is true in many ways, as in many people thought we were brother and sister and related when we were together because we looked and acted so similar, and when they found out we were bf and gf they fawned over us in shock, and what made it weirder was his birthday was EXACTLY on the same day as my brother’s as if we actually “were related. we joked about needing to get checked to make sure we weren’t cousins. when i brought him home from the funeral my neighbor took one look at us and said “mmm…, im not even gonna ask whens the wedding….” even though i told her he was and old friend, and we received that alot from people and obviously still getting it years after)he then proceeded to do as he did before and do some cleaning and taking care of my dishes in the sink saying ” i missed working for you, and cleaning the dishes for you. I wouldn’t mind being your butler..” i replied jokingly” are you sure? thats a very humbling job to take on” and he said “it is…it really is humbling.. but i love you and i love helping you..i could do it” i then hugged him, shed a few tears ,and sent him on his way at around 12:45pm. no kisses no anything. i did give him my house number but told him not to call often, i told him i don’t know what will become of us, but for me im scared..frightned and i do not want to hurt anymore and to me..it just doesn’t seem to look good for the both of us. Though even other people want to see us hang on, my aunt has a picture of us together fraimed in the house and i had nagged her about having a picture of my ex bf and she said” NO!! i cant !! its too cute!! i have to hang onto it! you guys were so adorable!” . the most negative thing that has came out of his mouth so far , is he admitted to telling me one lie, and that was that he basically crashed after i left for good and started getting drunk and involved with women and smoking, something he said he would never do, but he said it only lasted from 2013 to 2014 and he stopped and started pulling himself together. he was afraid that if he told me, i would look at him as no different then the guys that pressured him to go down that path and look at him as a bad person. He claimed and swore that everything else he said was the honest truth ,and he said he quited that life 2 years ago and the only thing he’s left with now is smoking cigars…however , knowing im already sensitive when it comes to trusting him, i cant help but to be honest say “this makes me trust him even less..and fear him even more” but still i cannot erased the fact that he took off from his work and drove 6 hours to attend my families funeral. and he had always stayed in contact with my family even though i had moved out, even still came to visit. but really..i have no clue what else to do..i have never loved another man as passionately as i did him..i have been single ever since trying to heal and lick my wounds..

EBR Team Member: Amor

October 11, 2016 at 3:04 pm

Hi Anon,

just take it slow.. let him in.. I do think he really loves you, since he’s more matured now, give him a chance.

Latoya D

October 9, 2016 at 3:29 pm

Me and my boyfriend just broke up recently because of my trust issues he claimed that they were to much an we should just be friends. I didn’t take this very well after giving him constant attention for 5-6 months we talked awhile before we got into a relationship but now I feel totally lost like I lost the best person I ever had and I actually feel bad because be was a great boyfriend, I didn’t mean any harm but now we don’t talk I found it would be best if I cut him off from my social media and delete him. It’s now been a couple of days since I did that, the last time he called me he was wishing me luck on an interview and chose to ask me who have I been talking to well I’m sure u knew how that went we ended up getting off the phone an haven’t actually talked on the phone since 2 weeks. I miss him entirely so much and want him back I am willing to change for the better and try to avoid my trust issues at all cost. Do u think I have a chance in him wanting me back or missing me?

EBR Team Member: Amor

October 11, 2016 at 8:04 am

Hi Latoya D,

yes, there is.. Especially if you really improve

Olivia

October 5, 2016 at 7:24 pm

Hi I’m Olivia
So pretty much after months of going back and forth and not giving eachother space, which resulted in lots of fights, after the breakup he said that we just don’t work together and all that nonsense. Since then I decided to actually go through with the no contact rule, fully. I’ve been focusing on myself my studies and getting in shape and honestly feel so much better. However, he’s in a group chat with me and our group of friends. He constantly tries to talk to me through there trying to get me to respond and talk to him. I’m not sure if this is good news or him just trying to be friendly. Thank you for your help!

EBR Team Member: Amor

October 6, 2016 at 8:44 pm

HI Olivia,

it’s good news.. Just stay strong in no contact.. how long have you been in no contact?

Kate

October 4, 2016 at 2:31 pm

After 5.5 yeas together my boyfriend left me, it’s been over 3 months now and he seems completely uninterested. I emailed and texted him a few times in that time period so haven’t done NC, he said he is still in love with me but that he doesn’t want to fix things as he has tried for long enough (I am confused by this as when he originally ended it he said he had lied about being okay when he wasn’t so how could he have been trying ?). I love him so much and feel utterly lost we did argue sometimes but I don’t think anymore then all couples….do u think there’s any chance

EBR Team Member: Amor

October 6, 2016 at 6:25 pm

Hi katr,

I think he still sees the old you that he doesn’t want to go back with.. And I think he meant tried during the relationship, not after the break up.. yes,I think there’s still a chance but you really have to improve yourself

Renee

October 2, 2016 at 11:34 pm

So me and my ex have been on and off for the past 3 years. In my opinion he leaves because he’s not ready to commit and runs when life gets a little too hard. We would fight a lot in our relationship and each time it would get worse and worse and we would always bring up unsolved past problems and still never really change or solve anything. My ed has a cycle of we fight, he ignores me but still says we will be fine, then some time passes and he dumps me, he always tells me we are too toxic and never meant to be but he also likes to say things like go ahead and hate me I know I’m a piece of crap and to move on, I usually beg and do whatever I think I can to get him back and he usually always comes back. The longest it took one time was 6 months. During the 6 months I had no contact at all and he didn’t seem to care so I’m scared to try the no contact again. This time we broke up due to us fighting about his past that I couldn’t let go and I became bitter towards him. We were engaged had a house and even 3 dogs together and he’s already kicked me out. He doesn’t initiate conversation but always replies to me when I start the conversation. He tells me things like he won’t move on and still loves me but won’t take me back when I say I still love him and won’t move on. I realize we both had said we are going to change and haven’t but this time I’ve actually taken time to work on changing and IDK if he sees it. I love him so much and want to make this work but I don’t know my chances of him coming back since he always did but this time he actually took the action to kick me out and tell me we will never be together again.. I’ve read almost every article on this page and still am lost and scared to try anything cause I don’t want to lose him for good this time. What are my chances? What do I do?

EBR Team Member: Amor

October 5, 2016 at 7:14 pm

Hi Renee,

Honestly it’s not that good. You know why? Because you keep begging him before. And you also went 6 months no contact so that means you might go longer this time. The change has to be genuine, you can’t just change just for him to come back, so that means you have to be firm on your standards. No more begging, no more asking for him to come back, move on from the past relationship. You are going to start over again. You have to argue in the smart way. You can’t have the same arguments like before. You can’t talk about his past like before. If you are going to talk about that then you have to talk about it in a calm way. But I’m not saying that you’re going to get him back soon. I’m just saying what needs to happen if you ever get him back. But in reality I don’t think it’s going to happen in the near future because of everything that has already happened. Maybe you can go from 6 months to one year but the more important thing is you really have to change and have your own life.

Meg

October 2, 2016 at 10:09 am

Hi, I find this difficult even talking about it so here it goes. I’ve been with my boyfriend exactly five years this week. He has extremely bad anger issues and suffers from mild depression. He gets angry and does nasty things/says bad stuff and almost immediately after feels so guilty that he ends up lower than he already is. He’s a good person don’t get me wrong he just has a lot of demons and has it in his head that he is just pure evil. I have literally done everything for him, errands on a daily basis, make his doc apps, remind him of things he needs to do but I don’t really get much back when it’s the other way around. It wasn’t always like this, he was great at the start but his mood has continued to get lower and lower because he cannot control his emotions. He went to anger management before I was with him and he told me it worked but that he just thought once he was fixed he would b ok for good.. That’s not the case, his anger came back slowly and worse. He was so low and basically just wanted to sleep all the time. He doesn’t have any friends whatsoever and I was his best friend, him being my best friend to. We lived together for over a year up until February when his dad became quite ill and he had to move home to help out. We argued a lot recently and not just because of him, I admit I never really bothered with my appearance anymore, sex became dull, I was clingy and had a habit of bringing up past mistakes he made any time I was annoyed with him. The last couple of weeks he had been talking about kids and that he wants a family with me (this is what is killing me the most). That’s all I want too. Anyway I had booked a break away for us because we both badly needed it. Two days before hand I slept in his and he woke up in a foul mood an started shouting at me on the way to work saying he can’t sleep beside me, he sleeps better on his own and I started shouting back. I have to admit I didn’t give him any space at all, he’s not just at fault here, I just found it hard going from sharing a bed with him every night when we lived together to not doing that. Anyway after the argument he text me and said he couldn’t do this anymore and he was finished. Then he begged me to go on the real with him because he didn’t wanna ruin another thing on me. We went and had a great time.. The first night he drank too much and was a bit aggressive but other than that it was wonderful, we got on well, sex was great, it’s what we both needed. I should probably point out that he can’t drink, anytime he goes out and has a drink something bad happens and then he will sit at home feeling worse for a week or so. He rarely goes out and has a drink, maybe once every 5 or 6 weeks. Anyway we got back from Madrid and he decided he still felt the same way about finishing. He said he needed to figure out things for himself and go to anger management and that he couldn’t bare seeing how miserable he had made me. I begged him for a chance to make things right that we both need to see someone and forgive and forget. He seemed undecided and said he felt like he was making a huge mistake and that he knows nobody will love him like I did and that he doesn’t deserve it. We met up and I got upset and brought up crap from the past which made him angry and he was shouting and dropped me home. He text me after saying he was sorry that it’s his defence mechanism, he ended but begged me not to hate him and asked me to forgive him that he could not forgive himself for what he has done to me. He just pointed out that just because he is going to go to counselling doesn’t mean he will get better. He said all I wanted was u and a little family but how can I when I am the way I am… (This was yesterday) I’m at my wits end, he was my partner and my best friend and I honestly feel like someone has taken my soul away. I don’t know what to do.

EBR Team Member: Amor

October 4, 2016 at 8:37 pm

Hi Meg,

looks like you both need to work in getting your individualities back.. you made your world revolve around him and you said you did everything for him.. you’re his gf, not his mom.

And there’s no permanent fix to emotional problems.. it’s like brushing your teeth.. you cant expect to brush one time and expect it to last for a week.. so him practising anger management, would be lifetime, not one time..

But you can only control yourself, so start with having your own life.. tey that by starting the no contact rule.. do 30 days and cotinue the routine you started in it even after the 30 days, while slowly building rapport

Mol

September 26, 2016 at 11:08 am

hey .. i really like the article it’s just amazing ♥
well , after 9 months of love and fun, my ex boyfriend decide to broke up with me because he wants to be free , and he thinks that he can’t commit now . we were like family , best friends , lover and everything , we had a very great time , we laughed and cried together , all our friends were jealous bcoz we had this relationship. so we had a very big fight , we did really hurt each other and he blocked me on fb and what’s app … after one month my father saw him and he was so angry so they insult each other toooo … we are studying in the same university , when he see me he never look at me , he puts his head in his phone , but when i get away he start lookin at me >>>i really can’t understand him !!!
and after 2 months i texted him to apologize about what my father had done
he said that he is sorry too , sorry for everything , and we wished the best for each other
so then i thought that i had a chance to get him back , so after 10 days i texted him to tell him that “i miss him so much , and i had moved on with my life , i changed a lot of things but my feelings for him still the same “.
he replied : ” i like your brave heart but i turned the page and good luck “.
so after this talk and i had started the nc rule , he was stalking me on snap chat and ask.fm so i deactivate all my social media accounts , and he feels competitive to me .
but nothing happened from one month and 15 days of nc rule!
i moved on , but i still wondering why he never come back?
especially that our relationship was very special and unique !
(4 months broke up)

EBR Team Member: Amor

September 26, 2016 at 1:08 pm

Hi Mol,

nc is not going to make him come back, it’s just a tool. It can help to increase the chances but it’s not the answer.

Emily

September 22, 2016 at 9:36 am

Hey,

I was with my guy for over a year. He was the most loving sweetest guy ever. We had fun together and experienced a lot. We’re in constant contact and never got bored of each other.He was crazy in love with me but I had a hard time showing affection etc because I had just gotten out of an abusive relationship. Last December I decided to take a break so I can work on my issues, heal and eventually become able to be the girl he deserves.

It crushed him but we stayed in contact all the time, like before. By the end of this summer I had fallen in love with him and was showing him a lot of affection and wanted to get back together. Sadly now he said he felt distant and had been feeling so since at least March. Him contacting me slowly decreased although he said he still hopes we end up together but hes just scared he wont feel the same anymore. In August he stopped initiating contact and said its best we re just friends for now and he doesnt know if he ll give us a chance. He told me not to rush into any relationship but that wed stay like this until whenever unless I found a good guy. I cut contact to once a week.
In the beginning of September I let him know that I had changed my mind about some things that he felt were possible deal breakers. So those reasons were gone now too. But now he was seeing someone whom he had met two weeks ago. They had amazing chemistry, felt a connection and this girl was my opposite. Way better than me. This is someone who has no baggage and no man has messed her up before as he says. Hes already met half her family and said it wouldnt be fair to push her aside to give us a chance. Told me Ill find someone and be happy and theres zero chance for us.

Is there?

EBR Team Member: Amor

September 23, 2016 at 1:40 pm

Hi Emily,

have you tried our chances calculator in the home page? For me, I think you do have a chance, but not in the near future.. Why not try doing no contact first for yourself? Do 45 days and start to heal and improve.

Heather

September 22, 2016 at 2:58 am

My ex boyfriend and I just broke up a month ago after 5 years and he moved out. I haven’t called him since then and he calls me every 3-4 days and still has all my pics up on his Facebook page. I really want him back and don’t know what to do. The reason why we broke up is because he wasn’t sure what he wanted.

EBR Team Member: Amor

September 23, 2016 at 12:53 pm

HI Heather,

you said you don’t initiate calls but do you answer his calls?

Walloftalent

September 21, 2016 at 3:51 am

Hi i feel i need to share my current situation. I had been dating a guy who was travelling in the country i am from for some time. At the beginning it was just a bit of fun since we knew eventually he would have to move back. I was trying to keep neutral but the more we saw each other the more we began feelings for one another. We never really communicated these at the time as we both knew he had to leave. The day he left it was pretty obvious of my feelings and I felt he was the same. I didnt ever think id see him again as he was going travelling for a month on his way home. Turns out we started missing each other madly. I had fallen for him and vice versa. On departure he sent me flowers for my birthday with a miss you note. Things got desperate and we needed to see each other so i travelled to one of the cities he was travelling around just to see him. Fast forward we decided to do long distance for 5/6 months and the more time went on the serious the talks and what ifs i confided in lots of good headed people and made the hard decision to move to his country to be with him (10,000 miles away!) I left a very good job, flat and family but thise things had seemed so irrelevant since he had gone anyway. I was up for the move. On arrival it was the best feeling in the world..he had secured us a place and weve really enjoyed every moment of living together..even now. It took me a while to find work and i kinda became a bit down for feeling far away and cut off after a while. I was unhappy in the job id landed..felt like such an outsider but kept living through it despite this for my visa to stay with him whom i was very happy with. Iver time he had said to me he wasnt so sure about us anymore but with me being his first relationship at 26 yrs old we just looked at it as cold deet. In our situation we had to move quickly since were from opposite sides of the earth. Over time he had not been sure but didnt want to brung it up with me to see if it could work..i had also been unwell which probably didnt help with my various other struggles! A recent conversation revealed that this had changed in to he doesnt think we are right for each other and that im enjoying living over here so thinks i should go home if we are to have a shot in the future. He wants us to end and says hecwants to be on his own while he figures things out. Thus means me moving ten thousand miles back. He said he loves me but wants me to be happier..thing is..he is ultimately what makes me happy as im head over heels in love with him..i have had previous relationship and this guy ticks all the boxes of someone i want a future with. I cant help he worries about locations too but thats solvable. He says if he realises hes made a mistake and misses me he will come over to me and we can make a plan. I’ve never experienced this before and especially away so far from home..it feels very lonely! He is going on normally..hugging kissing me telling me he loves me every day. Just like when he left my country i think he needs me out of sight to know if he misses me. Its so confusing the whole thing..and what makes it worse is the distance from my family, timezones and sacrifices i have made. I have only been here for ten months. What do you think to this please?

Walloftalent

September 27, 2016 at 11:32 am

Thank you. My mum had sent him a msg of support today as they never got to meet with the distance. His reply was: “Thanks, I appreciate the support. Yeah it wasn’t an easy decision and as much as (she) might not see it I think it is the best decision for the both of us at this current time but yeah who knows what’s gonna happen in the future. I definitely would have liked meeting you guys. Give (her) a big hug for me”… This has now deflated me!
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 27, 2016 at 5:58 pm

Focus more in getting your life back.. in a way he is right.. You have to.be more emotuonally independent before getting in a relationship again.. and then next time, if it works out with him, find a job there before moving there
Walloftalent

September 26, 2016 at 2:57 pm

..doesnt have to be the end for us..and that i think of everything as so final and permanent!…therefore i need a strategy and pull factor from afar to at least let him decide he needs to see me so i can show him my improved self!
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 27, 2016 at 10:43 am

Oh, I just want to make it clear that you have to do no contact first.. Use this opportunity while he still misses you.. be very active in improving yourself during it and continue that while building rapport after nc.. I think you should do 30 days
Walloftalent

September 26, 2016 at 2:55 pm

..at the moment and was making him wonder if theres a better prospect for him since he has never had a relationship before me! …he made it clear that his intentions were not to go and actively find someone but with distance comes worry! He keeps reinforcing it
Walloftalent

September 26, 2016 at 2:46 pm

As we have technically split up… (he will come over if misses me and i get happier again) im so worried too in the interim that he might start seeing others or dating. He had nentioned it to be a possibility when we were in talks, since he is obviously confused and mind clouded
Walloftalent

September 26, 2016 at 2:38 pm

Thank you for the advice. I will definitely be trying out some self-improvement and hope that i emulate a positive vibe to him. I must work on the chance of reuniting and him missing me enough to come and see me..(how can i best do this?) i had to msg about a housekey (important matter) that he had asked about today. He said thanks and said im up nice and early?! I explained jetlag. He then asked if i had my appetite back. .i remained positive and said if course i do! He asked “why of course?!” And i said i love food. I then asked if its still feeling weird and he said yes but he reckons it’ll be a gew weeks before feeling normal again (not sure what aspect he refers to there?!) I then suggested for us to talk on the phone some time. He agreed and I left the ball in his court as to when suits him best….is this all sounding ok?
Walloftalent

September 26, 2016 at 2:47 am

Thank you. I have been home now for 2days. On my way home he contacted me to see how i was getting on three times then again to see if i was home. He asked how i felt and daid he felt weird and had a not sure kinda feeling and that he had been hugging the pillows. Since then, i msgd him and he asked me whats news etc and he said hes “been ok.” He is online a lot but we haven’t messaged in 24hrs. Im so worried I’ll get forgotten as im now so far from him! What do you think?
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 26, 2016 at 11:55 am

Don’t worry. His actions show that he’s missing you. So, he won’t easily forget about you. And while he’s still missing you, make him miss you more by improving yourself.
Walloftalent

September 21, 2016 at 4:04 am

By the way im due to fly home tomorrow and it is going to break my heart leaving him at the airport not knowing whether or not I’ll ever see him again whilst so emotionally invested in him. Ive been in tears for the past 3 weeks through the uncertainty pain. I see so many positives in our relationship but think he lacks experience hence not feeling like himself. He think that there might be someone out there perhaps better suited to him..even though im the best in thecworld to him etc. Grass is always greener curiosity. I have had a lot to deal with and adapt to moving my life over to a different continent and feel that some of my teething settling in bits has tainted us. I feel He has let this define me but i feel my personal problems are not a true reflection of how things could and woukd be between us.
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 22, 2016 at 9:57 pm

Hi Wall of talent,

if he’s really the only thing that makes you happy then how can you feel down being away from your family, unhappy in a job and feeling out of place when the ultimate reason for your happiness was right there? That’s because you know he’s not the ultimate happiness.. He’s just a part of what can make you happy. And now, you’re off balance and that’s all he can feel from you. I’m not saying it’s all your fault but the truth is, it’s really hard to be away from your home and you need an outlet. Otherwise, that will happen. The relationship got negative from him because that’s all he can feel from you. If you’re set in going back home, that means you have to approach it like a long distance relationship. And then start no contact once you’re there.

Julia

September 16, 2016 at 11:48 pm

My ex and I dated for about a year and 5 months. Three months into our relationship he broke up with me because he got scared or cold feet or whatever only to come back like 2 weeks later apologizing. After him trying to get me back for like 2 months we continued our relationship but I became scared and clingy and would question him a lot about everything (I realize this is not good and have been working on myself) we would fight a lot and he was becoming very distant to the point where we would barely see eachother (on account of him). I ended it. He contacted me about a month in a half later and we were talking again but then the arguemenrs resumed. We have been apart for 5 months now and he says he doesn’t want to stress out about fixing our issues and that he can’t listen to his heart he’s listening to his head and says he doesn’t think we should be together once and for all. He also claims we’ve been apart for too long (5 months) Although he said this he was on a rollercoaster ride where one day he would tell me we were meant to be and then he would then change his mind. I love him a lot and I know he loves me and idk what todo. I never responded to his text message about not wanting to continue. He offered to be friends and I don’t want that it’s not healthy. Anyways, 4 days later (I still didn’t respond) texts me asking me if I was using his Netflix account because too many devices were on it. I also didn’t reply to that. I feel like he doesn’t know what he wants and a lot of games are being played.

EBR Team Member: Amor

September 19, 2016 at 6:47 am

Hi Julia,

I think he wants to friendzone you..ANd he doesn’t see that you’ve really changed after this month.. Like, he misses the past but there’s nothing new or he’s not seeing a new you that he is attracted with.

renee

September 7, 2016 at 2:02 pm

My fiancee broke up with me after our 10years living relationship because he fell in love and started to have an affair with his coworker, who is already married with 2 kids. Its been one year since we were staying with his parents as we were suppose to marry this year. But i found out about his affair through his messages..at first we fought a lot and then i beg, cried asked for another chance…did everything but all he said was he cares for me but now he is in love with that other women,but somtimes he feel bad and sorry for what he has done to me,but the next day when he goes to office or go our for office tour with her he will be rude to me. I talked with that women 2 times, she shows fake concern and promise me that she wont tell my fiancee about our conversation, but right after i hung up the call she share each and everything to him. after 4 months i finally went back to my home town. But i made him promise to keep on calling me everyday. First 2,3days he did but as the days pass by he started saying that he wants to stop the calls so that i can move on as i m still hanging on him which is making his life miserable, but i convince him to give me time, but i came to know why he asked me to do that was because that other women file divorce with her husband. Just recently, all his and mine pics was removed from facebook, i asked why he did that, but i already knew it was that women not him. Got irritated n tag our pic to him. But it back fire me as he called me infront of that women and fought wit me.
I really want to move on but i still love him so much, its been 2 and half month since we parted ànd very soon i have to go there and collect my things. Is there any way i can make him understand or make him come back to me or anything ….any advice for me.

renee

September 30, 2016 at 9:34 am

Thank you for yur responses. Want to get in touch with again.
EBR Team Member: Amor

October 1, 2016 at 2:40 pm

Sorry I didn’t get your last sentence.. What did you mean?
renee

September 17, 2016 at 1:30 am

No he never talks about our relationship…infact he keeps on saying that we should stop from here. Just 5days back he went for office tour with that women and since then he didn’t call or message me…..i am bit confuse here whether i will call him or not.
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 19, 2016 at 9:14 am

then that means you really have to do no contact..
renee

September 9, 2016 at 10:51 am

No…i didnt do NO CONTACT rules, because i thought all my things, including my documents, jewellery and cloths are still there and i have to collect anyhow. If during NO CONTACT period he changes his number then it will be difficult for me to collect my stuffs…thinking of that it always stop me from trying NO CONTACT rules
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 10, 2016 at 11:30 am

it’s ok to talk to him about your things. Just keep it only about your things. Be civil with him and the continue improving yourself. If he opens up any relationship talk, tell him, you appreciate him wanting to talk about it but you’re not ready yet and hope that he understands.
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 8, 2016 at 12:59 pm

Hi Renee,

with all the chasing and pleading you did, have you tried doing the no contact to somehow lessen the impact of him thinking you’re chasing him? If you did, how long did you do it?

Tiffany

August 25, 2016 at 8:23 pm

My boyfriend of 14 months broke up with me 2 weeks ago. He said it was because he didn’t want to be in a relationship. He also said he had tried to tell me for 9 months but every time he wanted to tell me, we had a great time out and he didn’t want to ruin the night. He also told me that he loves me very much and wants to remain friends, but to me this is his way of having me still in his life on his terms. He said he needs to “get back to being himself” and that he “needs to find himself again” and that he doesn’t know how long that could take. I told him I can not wait around for him and he doesn’t expect me to. I told him that I thought I was lucky enough to find “the One” and he said the same thing to me. Why would he let go of something that he claims is so important to him? Plus, he said because all of his friends are settling down and he didn’t have the opportunity in his 20s to be social like everyone because he was taking care of his ailing mother, that he feels he needs to do that now. He also mentioned that “if he wants to go on a casual date here and there, that it should be no big deal.” Why would he tell me I was the one but then want to go on casual dates with others? Part of me feels like he was just saying words that I would want to hear. He kept telling people that he was deathly afraid of losing me and that he had no choice. What does that even mean?! I feel like this is an excuse so that he can look like a good guy in his friends’ eyes and still gather empathy because he HAD to do it because his life was too complicated. I just don’t know what to believe/think anymore. Any thoughts? I love him and have started the NC rule 3 days ago. I have deleted my Facebook App on my phone to avoid seeing him and don’t post on Instagram either even though just recently he like a picture that was posted 5 days ago which means he’s been snooping. Should I be silent on social media or make myself seem like I’m having the best time ever. Plus, I have recently started a new sport and am getting myself back into shape since I gained 15 pounds due to him and his wanting to eat out (and this was with me exercising 6 days a week). I know that I must make myself the best version of me for ME and no one else and it will help me ultimately build my confidence. As I said, I do love him still and would love for him to come back to me. Any suggestions?

EBR Team Member: Amor

August 29, 2016 at 3:09 pm

Hi Tiffany,

In short he’s finds you a good person but he wants to experience a lot of things that he can’t do if he’s with you.. It can be a grass is greener syndrome or he wants variety in his life.. That’s good that you’re being active with yourself. Be active in social media too, try to establish to be an ungettable girl.

Nina

August 25, 2016 at 4:07 am

Hello my name is Nina and. Me and my boyfriend broke up he left me because he said that he feels he can’t satisfy me I really love him so much and want him back then one other reason he dump me was because we would go talk one day then not the next and I would as him like hey why you haven’t talk to me or are interested in me still I guess he git fed up then he dump me a day ago he said that he can’t do it anymore I just wanted to talk more because we became a long distance relationship after he moved away so I was thinking we should talk more but he was not trying to hear it he left me and I don’t think he will ever come back he seemed really upset

EBR Team Member: Amor

August 29, 2016 at 10:35 am

Hi Nina,
are you in nc now and are you actively imoroving yourself?

Tracy

July 10, 2016 at 9:06 pm

My boyfriend caught me snooping on him through one of his former Facebook friends who he met on a dating site. He got really angry and the exchange went like this…he first told me to back off and I shouldn’t have done that and if I hear from him than that is that. We talked back and forth where I tried to explain why I did it…because he hadn’t called the last two days he said he would and we had plans! He said I was smothering him and he couldn’t talk to me all the time, and that contacting someone he knew was crazy. That there are so many red flags now. I explained to him I only did it because his recent actions were causing me concern. He said he understood my concerns, but that I crossed the line and overstepped my boundaries and he can’t deal with that and it was something stalkers do. We both had to go so I asked if we could talk later and he said he didn’t know at that point. That he was worried about how I reacted and violated his privacy. I messaged him later explaining why I did what I did again. He read it but didn’t respond. The next night I apologized for hurting him and told him I know it was wrong but I went in protection mode and didn’t think it through. That I was here when he was ready to talk. He read the messages but never responded. That was two days ago and still nothing. I have decided to go NC and give him his space, but do you think this means he’s done? He unfriended me but didn’t block me on FB. I don’t feel like I’ve gotten any definitive answer on our status and I’m in limbo, but I know him not responding is not a good sign.

EBR Team Member: Amor

July 10, 2016 at 9:32 pm

Hi Tracy,

you have to let him be for now to cool off and be busy with your life

Lisa

July 10, 2016 at 7:59 am

Hey
I date my ex for a year and 5 months he broke up with me because he was stressed out and we would fight a lot I was also very clingy when he dumped me I blocked him and decided to move on, after that after like 6 months he contacted me and asked me to give our relationship a second chance and we did but we started fighting again and once again he just left me. Later on that he dated a girl for a year and a few months but I think recently they broke up because he has contacted me again telling me that I’m basically the best he has ever had and everything compared to our relationship is mediocre he basically apologized for what he did to me he ask so said that if he would date me now or even a few months ago we wouldve stayed together I don’t know if I should believe him but I think we both got a bit of closure but he asked me if he could still talk to me and hang out with me and I agreed but I honestly don’t know where this is going I just want friendship but I don’t wanna feel like he is just talking to me because he broke up with that girl. Should I stick to being friends or should I just avoid him? I just think he doesn’t deserve a 3rd chance it’s been two or three years since we broke up.

EBR Team Member: Amor

July 10, 2016 at 8:43 pm

Hi lisa,

let him heal by himself first and then be friends later on

ANON

July 8, 2016 at 11:04 pm

Hi,
My ex boyfriend tells me that he still loves me, and I definitely believe him. This is our second break up, the first of which lasted 7 months. He came back to me after rebounding twice, and we continued to date for another month and a half. In that time everything was wonderful. However we got into a fight, and he decided that he had not taken any time for himself after our break up and was not ready to have another relationship. (He has not been single since we broke up). He simply cannot stop himself from putting me first, and cannot truly focus on himself with me in the picture. He does not want to be codependent or reliant on another person for happiness, and he wants to figure out his own goals and wants in life. (We are both very young, still in highschool). However, he insists that he loves me and that he wants a lifetime with me. He says he feels that he will always come back to me someday, that I am his soulmate, and that even though things don’t work between us, he doesn’t believe we will truly be happy with anyone else. He concluded by saying that he would never stop loving me, and that we would have our relationship in time, just not right now. Can I relax? Do men generally mean what they say when it comes to things like this? Obviously I will still do no contact and focus on myself, but do I need to “plan” on getting him back? Or should I just trust that he will come back to me when he has found himself, figured out his life and worked out his personal issues? (He does have quite a few things going on in his life and I fully believe that he needs this time to be on his own. He and I have very intense feelings for each other, which makes for an intense relationship, which neither he nor I are currently ready to handle).

EBR Team Member: Amor

July 9, 2016 at 1:38 pm

Hi Anon,
if he’s saying the truth, then it’s very mature for him to know that he has to find himself first before being in a relationship. For me, don’t wait. do the same thing. focus on yourself for now… in the right time, someday, when both of you have grown then maybe you’re both ready to be in a relationship

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