The No Contact Rule: A Powerful Strategy That Works On Your Ex

6,804 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”

Katy

February 5, 2014 at 4:46 pm

I am having to do modified NC, I would love to do the 30 days but we share a house. He has moved back to his parents, but obviously all his stuff is still at mine and also we share bills etc. So am I doing it right? EG, yesterday he text and asked if he had post. I said ‘YES’ in my text. He said he would come and get it. I didn’t reply – no need. He asked if it mattered what time. I said ‘NO’. Is 1 word when really necessary ok, or is it still too much? I don’t want him turning up when I am not expecting him you see, its too much for me at the minute. I need to either be prepared or be out.
When he was there I was making my dinner so I just said hello back to him to be polite and continued what I was doing, fighting all urges to demand an explanation etc. He left on 17th Jan but we have on been NC since 1st Feb – he has text me every day but only about ‘practical things’ he has not asked how I am or anything. I have only replied to the one thing above. We went out twice before that (massive mistake wish I had found this website earlier!) and it just made things worse, from him needing space to him saying he was leaving me. Today he text saying he will pick his stuff up in half term which is 17th -21st Feb, I haven’t replied.
Erika

February 5, 2014 at 6:28 am

My ex and I broke up last year in April. It has been almost a year. But throughout that year we have still been in contact and hooking up. I just recently came across your site and wished i had found it a year ago! will the NC rule still work even though he broke up with me 10 months ago? i am currently on day 6 of no contact. He usually tends to call me once or twice a week around 3am…
Gail

February 5, 2014 at 5:13 am

My boyfriend broke up me with last three weeks because he said the relationship is not working any more. He said he still loves me but love is not enough already. Later after a few days, I found out that he is seeing another girl already. It started even before we broke up. He did not tell me that at first but when I confirmed it to him, he said he just like the girl (his workmate) because the girl likes her. I am not sure if it is true and if he still loves me or what. Is it considered a rebound relationship? I am in NC for just 5 days and he never contacted me since then. Actually, I don’t what to feel. I don’t know if I like him to come back but honestly I still love him. Any advice? Thanks
danielle

February 5, 2014 at 3:48 am

Hi Chris, thanks for the help with your site and the no contact. I have just one question for you. My ex and I have been broken up for almost a month now and I was living with him at the time of our break up. We remained friends after the break up until I moved home to be with family. I told him I couldn’t be his friend because I still had feelings and he understood. I called him one night while back at home with my mom and expressed all of my feelings to him and he Hung up because it wasn’t helping the situation. A few days ago before discovering your site I sent him two hot pics of me and he sent me back a text with the 2 thumbs up emojis. I then texted him all anyone needs is a friend and I told him I just needed someone to talk to because its hard to cope by myself right now… he never texted back. Today I referred him to a job I didn’t know if he had one (was just trying to help him out). I called him to see if he got a call from them and he said no and I asked if he already had a job and he said yeah. I told him okay well good to hear bye, he said “later” then we Hung up and he texted me right after and said how’s everything? I texted him back saying everything is good thanks for asking how’s everything with you. He said good to.hear, everything is smooth can’t complain. My mom told me not to respond and I didn’t respond but I feel bad for not responding. Is it a good thing I didn’t respond.?? Or is this sending mixed signals?

admin

February 5, 2014 at 6:52 pm

I think its good.

Veronica

February 5, 2014 at 1:59 am

My situation is a bit confusing, my ex broke up with me about 2 weeks ago. I am pregnant with his child something about him feeling stuck and that he will be there for the baby. A week after the break up he apologized for hurting me but didn’t mention anything about getting together. I started the no contact rule 5 days ago and he texted me again about him wanting to be there if I needed anything, including “urges” because he doesn’t like the thought about me sleeping with someone else while I’m pregnant with his child. I’m still confused but I haven’t responded because it was such an awkward text. I didn’t know how to take the message.
Vee

February 5, 2014 at 1:47 am

If he has someone else. NC also be used?
Kendall

February 4, 2014 at 8:00 pm

Hi Chris!

I currently have not talked to my ex in 30 days. However, he has not even tried to talk to me either. Should I wait until he contacts me and then start the 30 days? Or should I go ahead and contact him even though he seems like he doesn’t want to talk to me?

Thanks!

admin

February 5, 2014 at 6:32 pm

Just send a text his way like I recommend throughout this site.

Sheryl

February 4, 2014 at 1:32 pm

NC on 1 week now. My birthday is next week… So the best thing I can do is having massive fun without him and post all the good photos on facebook, am I right? I know he’s addicted to social networking, and checking them every 20 minutes.
I was very sad to be dumped just right before my special day…

Ashley

February 5, 2014 at 7:42 am

Don’t worry, my boyfriend and I broke up 2 weeks ago ON my birthday. It sucked so bad I must say. Have tons of fun, eat lots of delicious cake and enjoy the company of your friends and family. That’s what I did 🙂 and even though I cried the days after my birthday, I didn’t shed a single tear on my special day because I knew that was MY day and I’m not going to let some guy ruin it for me. 🙂

Nic

February 3, 2014 at 12:03 pm

Do i restart no contact?

3 days shy of 31 days NC and my ex sees me on the other side of the road (i was walking the opposite way, pretending i hadn’t seen him although i could see his reflection). He is almost half a block up from me when the next thing i know, i hear him shouting my name from across the road, he’s come back down after me. Not much i could do about that, he wants to talk to me, of course i am civil and friendly enough, but what do i do now? Do i restart no contact?

A couple of days before that, i’d gotten text messages from him asking if i was ever going to speak to him again, and that he missed me. He’d gone quiet for the 2 weeks prior to that, after having sent me similar messages to which i didn’t respond.

He insisted i come collect me mail, kept telling me he missed me and missed talking to me etc, that he was sad.

admin

February 3, 2014 at 6:21 pm

No I think you are ok.
Nic

February 4, 2014 at 6:02 am

What should my next move be? I’m uncertain as he is swing someone else… It’s a bit confusing that he keeps contacting me, telling me he misses me etc & chases after me to talk to me (when he saw me in the street) & then insists I come collect my mail from his place (he could have just redirected it or left it at a mutual friends), then offers me a drink & when I leave, walks with me the few blocks to my friends house, who I was meeting. Very confusing!..

So…

1. What your take on such behaviour and

2. What should my next step be?
danielle

February 5, 2014 at 6:02 am

I’m no expert at love but this sounds like he’s still Interested. Obviously seems he’s not over you, even if he is seeing someone else. Thats just my input!
Nic

February 18, 2014 at 1:12 pm

Men! I just don’t understand them! So i’ve been pretty much keeping low key, and he contacts me, keeps commenting on stuff on my facebook and liking my posts etc… Still pretty sure he’s seeing someone, i met up with him after study one day (kinda had too) and he tells me about some woman that tried to pick him up at the pub! – wtf? Why would he be telling me this? Pretty sure, he was indicating something more happened.. Again, wtf? I’m not doing ANYthing to make him think i’m being a crazed ex.. far from it.. THEN on Valentines Day, i get a text message from him saying he’s been thinking about me that day (with a sad smiley face).. AGAIN.. WTF? What is going on.. why is he doing this if he’s seeing someone?

Jackie

February 3, 2014 at 8:08 am

Hi Chris,
Great website!!
My boyfriend and I had a kind of break up 3 weeks ago. We had a very intense weekend together (we are LDR) then I sensed he needed some space….I did not hear from him which is unusual, so I left it completely for 2 weeks. I then texted a nice short text. He response was positive but only about 2 texts back and forth. I decided to leave it for now. In the past he has initiated contact if I go quiet. Then yesterday he ‘liked’ my facebook status update…. which was just a random link I posted. Since this was the first thing I posted in 3 weeks,…. Is this a passive way of him staying in touch….appreciate your thoughts.

admin

February 3, 2014 at 6:21 pm

Yes it definitely was!

Jessica

February 3, 2014 at 7:56 am

Hey, I am almost through my no contact period, only 3 days left.. I am finding myself struggling with whether or not I should be the one to contact him because everyone around me says I have already done everything I can and when and if he misses me he would contact me.. Which he has not. Do you agree with these ideas that a guy would make that move if he was interested? Then again, the last time that I had spoken with him before NC I had asked him if there was any part if him that wanted me in his life in anyway some day and he said no, when I asked if that was an honest answer he said “that’s the answer your getting for now”.
I know he is stubborn and quite selfish and all because of many factors in his life that have made him so..
I’m just not sure whether or not I should move on with this or give up because I have always done everything I can for him with not much given back.
I do love him, and he is my best friend and I think I would still do anything I could for us.. I think it’s just my friends that have me questioning if it’s worth it

Jenna

February 5, 2014 at 4:11 am

hope u answer this one, chris! I want to know this as well

Kristy Lin

February 3, 2014 at 5:18 am

Is it ok to post photos of me enjoying my life on facebook during NC?

admin

February 3, 2014 at 6:13 pm

ABSOLUTELY!!!

Marissa

February 2, 2014 at 7:10 pm

My ex and i were friends in high school then started dating. We were together for 4 years and broke up a few times because i was unsure of my feelings towards him. I knew i loved him but wanted to know what else is out there. We always got back together and worked things out. I thought everything was going great between us until he told me two months ago that he knows he loves me but dont know if hes in love with me anymore. I broke up with him right away because i was very upset. I texted him and he spoke to me but never contacted me again. I texted him for new years and he responded. Then we had a big snow storm and he texted me saying becaureful out there. Tonight i texted him telling him that i understand how he felt and we are young and we need to grow on out own. And i dont want to be enemies and i wish him all the best. He responded saying he he feels the same way. It has been two months since we broke up. I love him and i want him back. But i dont know if there is a chance in the future for us. Did anyone ever experience something like this? Thanks for your advice.
Hurting

February 2, 2014 at 1:09 pm

My girlfriend/better-half of almost 7 years decided around New Year’s eve that she no longer loves me and wants to become an independent woman. She has since moved out of our house. The reasons behind our rift are quite common: mid-life crisis/turning 40, depression, extreme communication issues, working too many hour, complacency, loss of sparks, escapism – basically we both contributed to things let our romance dwindle.
Up until a few days ago, we had been talking every day. I want to attempt a reconciliation, baby-steps to see if we can find love again and have even offered to pay for couples therapy. She on the other hand is struggling over whether she really wants me in her life and she wants to continue our friendship–but is not sure that she want to continue a “romantic” relationship. She claims that she isn’t feeling any romantic interest anymore and that this struggle b/w friendship/romance is killing her. I’m a major part of her life and she is having problems separating the two and can’t imagine life without me in it. She also refuse to go to therapy saying that it will not help her. It is all very confusing and it is tearing her heart out and crushing mine in the process.
I think that in my desire to get her to try again at love, I have been smothering her and our communication over the past week has become hurtful and painful. There are multiple complexities here: including investments, cars, dogs, cats, an expensive house that is slightly underwater and family and friends that have chosen sides or are shocked by our situation–and I’m having difficulty not feeling pained by all of them and separating financial concern over from the unknown.
I’ve realized that even though I want her back, that I must step back and catch my breath. I’ve initiated an attempt at no communication — no more lengthy emails describing my feelings/longings, no more constant texts — just stop ALL communication.
My question is how long should I go? At some point all of these other issues will need to be discussed and I assume that we will need to talk even before either of us might be ready to talk. Should I enforce a rule that I will have no communication AT ALL until I am ready? I don’t want to give up trying, but I feel like we have bumped heads and that she has already given up on our relationship.

Marissa

February 3, 2014 at 12:36 am

My ex and i were friends in high school then started dating. We were together for 4 years and broke up a few times because i was unsure of my feelings towards him. I knew i loved him but wanted to know what else is out there. We always got back together and worked things out. I thought everything was going great between us until he told me two months ago that he knows he loves me but dont know if hes in love with me anymore. I broke up with him right away because i was very upset. I texted him and he spoke to me but never contacted me again. I texted him for new years and he responded. Then we had a big snow storm and he texted me saying becaureful out there. Tonight i texted him telling him that i understand how he felt and we are young and we need to grow on out own. And i dont want to be enemies and i wish him all the best. He responded saying he he feels the same way. It has been two months since we broke up. I love him and i want him back. But i dont know if there is a chance in the future for us. Did anyone ever experience something like this? Thanks for your advice.
admin

February 2, 2014 at 6:56 pm

What causes the communication issues?
Hurting

February 3, 2014 at 1:37 am

She was never strong in the communication department of expressing emotions. The problem was that as I noticed things getting worse this past fall, I did not react. Instead, I drank more after work or tried to escape. I told myself that things would get better and while I was tired of doing the carrying, our love would bring us past this. We both got lazy and escaped into work or vices.

Emma

February 2, 2014 at 8:15 am

It is your Ex’s birhday,but you have started NC rule. Are you going to wish him over the phone or just ignore his birthday as it is your NC period?

admin

February 2, 2014 at 6:53 pm

You don’t wish him a happy birthday at all.

Jenna

February 2, 2014 at 12:29 am

Hey Chris. So my ex and I didn’t talk for about 6 months. Then, he contacts me on this special day (only a text) and asks how I’m doing and says how he’s doing, but says he misses me. Then I only hear from him, a few texts hear and there over 3 weeks, so finally I text him, “why did you contact me?”. He texts me that he still loves me and wants us to spend a lot of time together to see if it can work between us. The thing is – he lives up north and I live in the south. He offered to fly me up there next month to spend a few days together, but I don’t know that I should. He has yet to even call me once in the past month and just texts whenever he “feels” like it. I go 3 or 4 days without hearing from him and it crushes me cuz I still love him. Then he sends me a snapchat of a love song out of the blue. If he loves me, truly, wouldn’t he pick up the phone and say so? Wouldn’t he be making an effort to come down hear and show me he cares? I just bought your ebook and I’m about to start reading it. All the women I asked said don’t text him anymore and no snapchats. They say he’s being lazy/apathetic and if he cares he needs to do the work. Do I need to do a strict month of NC on him? I want him back, but I want the “best” him not this guy who makes no effort. I am willing to do anything for him. I want the same to be true for me.

I really appreciate your thoughts on this.

Thanks so much – Jenna

admin

February 2, 2014 at 6:42 pm

I am thinking you will need a strict month.
Jenna

February 2, 2014 at 7:02 pm

Thanks Chris. I am going to do it. It’s something I have never tried before. I’ve always missed him so much that I’ve contacted him and I think that has made me look desperate. I really love this guy. I’m going to do what your ebook says. And I’m especially going to take this month to “evolve” myself. I appreciate your response so much.
Jenna

February 2, 2014 at 7:11 pm

oh and chris, this is unlikely, but what if he sends flowers on valentine’s? Do I say thank you or ignore and keep doing NC?

Shierly

February 2, 2014 at 12:23 am

Chris. How if he is my business partner? He is my supplier so i have to contact him everytime i want to buy something from him. But i only reply his message with one or two words. It also shows that i already move on right? Is it okay? Or i have to start over again?

admin

February 2, 2014 at 6:38 pm

Well, you might have to do limited contact in that case.

Marian

February 1, 2014 at 7:02 pm

Hi, I just love your page and your advices.
I was wondering what could i do. My ex boyfriend left me about 2 months ago. Since day one from the breakup i didn’t implement the NC rule, instead i kept calling once a week, texting and seeing him i would disappear 2 weeks and then again will contact him. He keeps telling me that he is very sure about his decision right now, he thinks its for the best of us two. (we didnt broke up in bad terms, little things, grad school etc problems that little by little made him feel exhausted as he told me) he doest know if he needs some time, or if maybe with time he will think differently just that for now he feels that he cant cope with the relationship. It has been one week since the last time that i saw him, and he told me that doing the things i was doing just keep pushing him apart, that day i promised him that i would give him space and time and that i will not contact him again. He told me that he will give it some thinking.

My problem is that next week is his birthday, since I’m doing the nc rule, what do you think i should do?
My other question will be: if you think that after i have messed it up for the lasts weeks do you think there is a chance that the NC rule will work in my favor?
Thank you so much!

admin

February 2, 2014 at 6:32 pm

Don’t contact him on his birthday. NC rule includes stuff like birthdays.

Christine

February 1, 2014 at 11:27 am

Yes I am in love… But doing the NC Rule is so easy. If you have a positive mindset it’ll be easy, if you live, love and laugh it’ll be easy.
The only reason many girls and women find it hars id because theyre not living their lives and growing from it. Move on without moving on. The first week should be about letting ALL your tears out then you start bettering yourself. Working on yourself, it’s actually so easy. You can do it. One day of laughter and all I can think aboyt it was I was laughing about and yes my man is in the back of my mind. But you can complete it.!

Like my birthday is coming up, if my ex messages me saying happy birthday I will then put as my Whatsapp status “I got so many HBD messages, THANKYOU EVERYONE, I cant get back to all messages. Im so busy atm” because I REFUSE to break the NC Rule!

Smart yeah, very easy!
Remember when you get in contact with your ex, play hard to get he needs to feel like hes worked hard to get you back!
Leah

January 31, 2014 at 9:22 pm

I dumped my bf a few days ago and he was a bit huffy about it e.g. “i was going to suggest the same thing only in a nicer way and it probably would have been different if it wasnt long distance” etc. He was just being a douche 50% of the time and perfect gent 50% of the time, distance was nothing to do with it.

I have a gut feeling he wont try and contact me and he’s principled in the way he may not get back with me due to his principles of on off people.

Is it just me being silly or should i trust my gut feeling and test the water for his response if any?

admin

February 1, 2014 at 6:32 pm

I am a fan of trusting your gut.

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6,804 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”