6,804 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”

1. 

   boarder state

   February 13, 2014 at 7:05 am

   Hello Chris, should I break NC?

   We’ve broken up in september, he started appreciated me a lot more recently since we got back in contact a month or two ago, but he hasn’t started showing interest in me again until last week when I told him I’m not desperate in dating him again.

   It’s been a few days since I started NC, and throughout the relationship, even during courting period or the cool off post-break up period we’ve both always been responsive. We’re on friendly terms. He texted me a few hours ago, and I feel rude suddenly ignoring him because we never do that to each other.

   I don’t know if I want him to feel undeservedly butt hurt/confused, should I at least text back “I’m not doing much. :)”?

1. 

   admin

   February 14, 2014 at 3:13 am

   I don’t think you should.

2. 

   Shayla M

   February 13, 2014 at 3:18 am

   It’s been exactly thirty days since my ex and I broke up. He does have a new girlfriend now (please see post on the rebound relationship page). Since it’s a few days before Valentine’s Day should I wait until after the holiday to contact him?

1. 

   admin

   February 14, 2014 at 3:02 am

   I would.

3. 

   Kat

   February 12, 2014 at 3:36 pm

   hey Chris I wrote to you before but I didn’t get any response back:( I am on day 7 of NC and its getting really hard for me, I just want to talk to him and try to see if I can meet up with him. I feel like if I don’t talk to him he’s gona forget about me and will move on.

1. 

   admin

   February 12, 2014 at 7:54 pm

   Do you know what area of the brain is activated when you think about your ex boyfriend?

   The area of the brain that deals with addiction.

   Hang in there and stay strong during NC.

2. 

   Kat

   February 16, 2014 at 6:44 pm

   so i called him on day 7 of nc to invite him to a family party and he did answer and we talked for an hour and thn we talked today for 30minutes and ididnt cry or say anything about our break up but later i called him again and cry to him because its not easy for me i was engaged to him and we been dating for a long time so i cant let it go just because hes not happy all of the sudden its not fair. everyday i regret for loving him so much..i have never loved anyone like the way i love him hes my first love..i am starting the NC again tomorrow hoping for a positve respond…what should i do to get him out of my mind during the NC???

4. 

   venus

   February 12, 2014 at 1:11 pm

   what if my ex boyfriend thought that i am dating with another boy because i did not contact him or ignore him? i know i should not explain to him, but he may be more angry and think too much stuff…

5. 

   Michelle

   February 12, 2014 at 7:11 am

   My boyfriend broke up with me yesterday night primarely due to stress with his school workload which is very demanding. He told me that we were not done talking and we would meet up once his exams are over to discuss things, which will be by the end of this week. Does the no contact rule apply to me?

1. 

   admin

   February 12, 2014 at 7:41 pm

   For now I would say no. WAit until you have that talk.

6. 

   Tori

   February 11, 2014 at 11:17 pm

   Hi. I’m currently in the process of the ‘No Contact’ Rule….which actually began because I was just so emotionally exhausted by our relationship. I had no idea it was a “thing” ! Anyway, we were together for about 8 months and fought a lot of the time…and during these fights he would almost inevitably threaten break up…but we managed to work through them, for a little while….But the final straw for me was when I caught him in a lie. I walked away from him that night and have not seen, spoken, or messaged with him in any way. It’s been 9 days, and he did message me, but I have not even “opened” his messages, so I don’t really know what they contain. My question is: Should I open these messages now or wait until the 30 day period has ended ? Thanks very much for your time.

1. 

   admin

   February 12, 2014 at 7:34 pm

   Thats a decision completely up to you.

7. 

   olivia

   February 11, 2014 at 8:15 pm

   Dear Chris, I ran accross to your page hoping you could help me with some advices. I met a guy who was about 8 years relationship with another woman. I knew about the relationship and love just happened between us . When we met he said he was bored wth his GF and wanted to move on with someone else.I know it was stupid for me to get involved with someone who was already in a relatioship with someone but it just happened with me and I had no control over my emotions .We had great chemestry between eachother and the way he expressed his feelings towards me ,it felt like I was his first love. I did’t expect him to leave her right away but after 4 months we dated when he was not making any action to leave her I started fighting with him cause I couldn’t deal with it. As an excuse He said he has a long term bonding with her and he doesn’t want to hurt her cs he still cares about her. Even though I was in pain but I was trying to deal with it cause I loved him unconditionaly.Oneday he got cought while sleeping with her and I broke up with him just saying the following line’ I want u to be happy’. I went on a NC for two months and heard from him for the first time on my bday. He siwhed me and we started a conversation .Since ten he was calling me everyday once to check on me to make sure I was doing ok but he didn’t really expressed anything saying that he need me back. He told me that he can’t let her go and it wouldn’t be fair to me h if he sees her while he is with me .This is why he wanted to be my friends but I could feel he was hiding his emotions. After one month of our frinzone I told him that I couldn’t accept him as a fr and I didn;t want him to call me ever again. I then changed my #. It has been 2 months and never heard from him since then.Ofcourse he knows my work no , emai etc. I love him unconditionaly, with the absense I relalized that how empty I was and I found happyniess in him when we were together. I din’t want to loose my selfrespect and this why I didn’t express my emotions to him after our breakup. I ackted like a strong and tuff woman. Now I miss him terribilty and just hoping he will call my office atleast once so that I could talk to him again. Chris after reading the whole story please tell me what would you do if you were my ex bf ? would you even call me? waitng for your response .Thanks a lot for your time Chris.

1. 

   admin

   February 12, 2014 at 7:33 pm

   He might call you.

   Has he gone back to his old gf?

2. 

   olivia

   February 12, 2014 at 9:48 pm

   as I mentioned he started dating me while he was already in a realtionship with her.I brokeup with him because he couldn’t let her go after I came in to his life and she is still there in his life.

8. 

   Mouse

   February 10, 2014 at 4:32 pm

   Me and my ex dated 2 years, broke up december. Ive done the no contact for 30 days. and i sent out my first contact text.his response was “you are dead to me, please forget everything from the past 3 years”. so should i keep trying or no?

1. 

   admin

   February 10, 2014 at 7:00 pm

   Do you want to keep trying?

2. 

   Mouse

   February 10, 2014 at 8:20 pm

   of course i do but i mean to ask you is that a REALLY bad response from him? i know you said do NC for another week if you get a negative response, but this is a really heart breaking negative response, ive never done anything mean to him to deserve that response. he’s important to me, he is not just an ex, he is my bestfriend as well, so it would be helpful if you’d give me a great tip for his response, and please don’t respond back robotically (thats what you referred to your responses as haha ) lol

9. 

   Aja

   February 10, 2014 at 3:13 pm

   Hi Chris,
   I am currently in the last few days of my 30 day NC…My last day will be in 3 days. My question is, on the 31st day, there is a basketball game that I wanted to go to, but there is a 99.9 % chance that I will see my ex… Should I not go to the game? Would it be too soon for him to see me? Or should I wait until after a few text are exchanged? I wasn’t sure how him seeing me right after the 30 days & before I Sent the 1st text would affect my situation. My first text to him after the 30 day NC was actually going to be something about the game, bc he is a basketball fan and the team that he coaches is going to be playing.

1. 

   admin

   February 10, 2014 at 6:57 pm

   I think that basketball text will work.

2. 

   Aja

   February 11, 2014 at 12:58 pm

   Thank you Chris! Also, the basketball game I was planning on going to there is a 99.9 % chance that I will see my ex… Should I not go to the game? Would it be too soon for him to see me? Or should I wait until after a few text are exchanged?
   I wasn’t sure how him seeing me right after the 30 days & before I sent the 1st text would affect my situation.

3. 

   admin

   February 11, 2014 at 6:29 pm

   No i think you should go to the game.

4. 

   Aja

   February 11, 2014 at 9:58 pm

   Thank you Chris!!

10. 

    AJ

    February 10, 2014 at 3:05 pm

    Hi Chris,

11. 

    Claire

    February 10, 2014 at 8:38 am

    So, this is my situation. I’ve been seeing a guy since last October, mainly long distance. The contact has been constant, he went out of his way to meet my friends. Came to my birthday at his insistence, took me shopping last Thursday morning for presents and after this excursion said that he only wanted me as his best friend as he didn’t want to hurt me down the line. I have enough best friends and i’m too emotionally involved. I left and said that as we are clearly more than friends, I need time to process this and was met with, please when can I contact you, as a friend. I said, I really don’t know. He did all the running. I tried to back off at Christmas but he chased me down and now I’m in deep. He was all over me, even the morning he took me shopping as his insistence.

    All this after I used my contacts and friends to get him a life changing career. He moves to the country I am in in less than two weeks. Throughout this process, he’s been very reliant on me. He wants me to be his confident but without any commitment.

    I feel very used but other than the initial shock on Thursday and a few “what the hell” messages, on Friday I asked him to leave me alone. Yesterday, I had a major job interview myself and 30 minutes before I was due to go in I received, “Good luck, I know you will blast it, despite everything. ”

    I didn’t reply to the message although it was hard. I think he’s taking a back step as he is about to move from the USA to the Middle East,(thanks to me) and has the added pressure of the new job. I feel mean shutting the contact given that he is moving here at the end of next week!

1. 

   admin

   February 10, 2014 at 6:55 pm

   Wait, have you read my LDR guide?

12. 

    4N0NYM0U5

    February 10, 2014 at 3:43 am

    I have read almost all of your articles. I have not seen any comments or questions about what to do with the NC rule after the 30 days are passed. I started with NC the moment he walked out my door after ending things last month. He looked nervous when he said “I don’t think I can do this anymore” and when i asked why, all I got was: “I’m just unhappy” and “I’ll still see you at school(college)” and “Sorry.” This is after an entire year of dating and being happy together, rarely arguing. A week prior we even had gone out to celebrate making it 1 year together. I was at a complete loss. We haven’t made any sort of contact or spoken since. I was his first everything. Including long term girlfriend. What else can I do?

1. 

   admin

   February 10, 2014 at 6:39 pm

   I talk about that here: https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/how-get-your-ex-boyfriend-back/

   Thats pretty much the step by step of the process.

13. 

    Brenda

    February 9, 2014 at 5:35 am

    I like the idea of the no contact rule, in fact when things were not moving i stoped contact him and he would come smoother after, but never 30 days or more… Now we are distant because he thinks i lacked interest in him and he was the one who walked away and two days after he followed a girl on instagram she followed him back and my doubt is if I wait this amount of time he could forget me? Find someone who fullfil him better and then could be worst? i think 30 days could work to heal the remember of a person and thats my fear with this rule.

1. 

   admin

   February 10, 2014 at 5:25 am

   Your fears are legitimate.

   Lately, I have been telling people to shorten NC a little bit to 21 days.

2. 

   Brenda

   February 13, 2014 at 7:57 pm

   He contacted me using a fake acc… But after a while i realized it was him, i have answered like three messages, last one ended as usual with him, kind of boring. now what?

3. 

   Brenda

   February 13, 2014 at 9:24 am

   Just a week now and i think im going to fail :-/ i want to ask him if he is seeing someone else… Looks desperate? It’s almost valentines day and he may be getting close to that person.

14. 

    Sofia

    February 9, 2014 at 2:36 am

    The NC rule is being terribly hard for me (day 1 in fact hahah, but every time I want to text him I remember what you wrote, the definition of insanity), anyway is being hard because he has started dating someone 2 weeks after he broke up with me, so now I know he’s going through the honeymoon phase with this girl. And the temptation of text and be present is huge.
    would NC work -in terms of him missing me (I know I need it to heal)- despite he’s going through the honeymoon phase? :/

15. 

    anonymous

    February 8, 2014 at 12:21 pm

    I have a qns. What if i did nc for 30days the first time. And since eventually he went cold on me. I did one or two weeks of nc the second and third time. Do i keep having to do nc for 30days each time? Or how do i gauge how long i need to do nc each time for? Since each time he doesn reach out to me (i did 3times nc so far) will you suggest that i do strict nc till HE initiates the contact eventually or is it okay for me to make the move?

1. 

   admin

   February 8, 2014 at 6:22 pm

   No just the first time is most important.

16. 

    Liz

    February 8, 2014 at 3:45 am

    Hi Chris. So I’ve been following your no contact rule for only two days now as of today. So today my ex texted me “I love how you didn’t text me all day”. Is that a good sign? Do you still recommend 30 days of no contact or should it be shorter?

1. 

   Ali

   February 9, 2014 at 8:40 am

   It’s a sign that it’s exactly what they want; they’re hinting they want a breather from you, a break. It’s kind of a hint that they’ve been tired out by what you’ve been doing. Continue on with no contact, because if you reply too soon it might trigger the same “crazy” reaction as when you broke up that made you txt them all day in the first place.

17. 

    dan

    February 7, 2014 at 8:45 am

    Hey Cris!
    Im still following the NC ,its been 23 days since our last convo and he left to UK for masters degree for 1 year, We had a strong relationship for almost 3 years, and he was really good to me all the time..
    We stopped talking cause he claims he have nothing to give me right now and he want to focus on studying to build his future career , is there any chance to get back? Wont he talk to me again? Or is he waiting me to start the conversation?

1. 

   dan

   February 8, 2014 at 1:50 pm

   Help! 🙁

18. 

    Sonam

    February 6, 2014 at 5:43 pm

    My bf broke up with me a week ago and said that there is no future he sees. But I really love him nd I want him back! I m just not able to take it and is extremely hurt and shattered. The way he broke up was also very strange, everything was fine until he went out of city for 15 days for work & slowly started ignoring me, disconnecting my calls, stopped replying on msgs but got in touch once for few seconds then told me that I met my ex with couple of frnds,then told me that I m going on a 2 day trip with frnds nd my ex is also going nd when I bursted out he started blaming me that y r u overreacting I m not getting back to her, we have just got in touch nd when I refused to believe he said that it’s not happening any more, I can’t Handel u..u are over possessive. It’s over for me so lets just break up! And I just broked up completely then after coming back to the city he called up saying there is no future so what’s the point. It’s good for both of us in the long run to finish it up here only nd said we can be friends if u want. Didn’t even meet me nd left abroad again for a month nd a half, I wanted to give him some gifts which I had kept for his bday but he lied to me about his flight timings since he didn’t wanted to meet me nd take those gifts but still I some how manged to get them delivered before he left. He liked them and said that u should not have done so much, ur gifts will also reach u on ur bday! He asked me stop crying, chill nd be happy before leaving! Nd said u will be fine in some tym nd left! But I still want him back, I see him online on what’s app nd feel like msgng but have not as yet it has been 6 days now! Have deleted him from Facebook also but I still wonder will he be missing me as much as I am? Please help me out… I just want him back

1. 

   admin

   February 7, 2014 at 6:20 pm

   So, he felt that you were to possessive of him?

2. 

   Sonam

   February 8, 2014 at 6:26 pm

   The major reason was that he has loads of work and no time. He thought I was being possessive but I don’t think so! But may be I got to pushy… I don’t know exactly!

3. 

   admin

   February 9, 2014 at 4:45 am

   What makes him think you were becoming possesive?

4. 

   Sonam

   February 12, 2014 at 12:26 pm

   At times he use to make me feel jealous about telling me stories about girls but then he use to enjoy it saying I love it when u get jealous! But then when he told me that met his ex, nd then he went on a trip wid frnds she being a part of it I just lost my cool! Nd said things to him..I was following d no contact rule until recently I found from a common friend that he is in d city itself nd has not gone anywhere..so I msgd him saying what a lier he is but then the reason he gave was that he wanted me to be at peace for sometym nd didn’t wanted to meet me! So he lied also he says his aunt got a heartache and is in icu so he couldn’t go but now I really don’t know how to trust him bcz he has lied so much! I told him he shouldn’t have lied nd I m deeply heart but he said day he wanted me to be happy! Nd when I was shouting at him nd even sobbing he said why are u shouting can’t u tok lovingly wid me now… Nd I said now! Bcz as much I tried to console myself saying he didn’t broke my trust the situations proved me that he is a lier and all he did was fooled me! But after that I just disconnected the call nd it has been three days but he hasn’t tried to contact me! He didn’t even sorry to me bcz he says he wanted to have a positive end! But it’s just d opposite for me… I m literally broke, I don’t even know will I be able to trust somebody ever in my life now! Please tell me what to do? I really loved this man…

19. 

    Kat

    February 6, 2014 at 5:21 pm

    thanks Chris for your useful website.i was engaged for 8months and 2months ago my fiance call it off and his reason for this was that i am too emotional and i cant make him happy. We were perfectly fine, before we talked and texted each other everyday and idk how things got wrong and i cant believe he’s doing all this to me. He knows that i love him a lot. I did everything the way he wanted but still he wasn’t satisfied. After calling the engagement off he told me thats hes still thinking about us but how long does he need to think about it?i been calling and texting him constantly after our break up and he only replies once and he acts that he’s very busy but he wasn’t always this busy prior to our breakup. few days ago i called him repeatedly and after 12calls he finally answered and was mad and said that this is it he cant take it anymore and said nothing will get fixed b/w us. i really want to talk to him and explain it to him why i called him so many but he doesn’t reply to me. do you think there is any chance that we might get back together? i know he loves me and he still have feelings for me. i haven’t done the NC yet but i am afraid if i do he might forget about me and will move on. Please advice me.

20. 

    Tiffany

    February 6, 2014 at 7:06 am

    Hey Chris,

    I just wanted to let you know that today I completed my 30-day NC challenge. I’m proud of myself and how far I have come to this point. The only bad thing though is that my ex hasn’t tried to contact me at all during my 30-day challenge and it kind of discourages me. I know he moved on with his co-worker only two weeks after. So I’m thinking that could be the reason why he hasn’t contacted me at all. 🙁

    As much as I want to start the first contact text message with him, I just feel like it just might be the wrong timing for me right now. I’m still trying to heal myself from being betrayed by someone who I trusted my life with for 8 years. Please help me out with some concerns below, I would appreciate it so much:

    Is it a bad thing that he hasn’t contacted me at all during my 30-day NC challenge?

    Should I just initiate the first contact text message since I completed my 30-day challenge or should I just wait until I’m ready?

    The only thing with waiting though is… will it be too late if I wait another 2-3 weeks?

    Hope to hear from you soon with great advice. Thank you

1. 

   admin

   February 6, 2014 at 6:10 pm

   I doubt it will be too late but I don’t think you will have to wait that long. Even if he didn’t contact you during NC you should be fine.