The No Contact Rule: A Powerful Strategy That Works On Your Ex

6,804 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”

Leah

January 20, 2014 at 11:43 pm

Hi Chris,

My NC ended yesterday, but I’ve been too nervous to text him yet. What if he has a gf? What if he ignores me? I think I’ll be devastated…he hasn’t contacted me at all.

My question: him and I ended badly and he ignored me completely at the end, so I feel like I can’t send a confession text but rather need to address things and maybe apologize for how needy I got? I think it would be too out of the blue for me to just text something that doesn’t acknowledge anything…please let me know your thoughts.

Also, could you consider doing a guide for girls who don’t get contacted during NC? It’s hard!

admin

January 21, 2014 at 6:00 pm

Just text him!

Also, I will do a guide over that.
Leah

January 24, 2014 at 12:27 am

Texted today. No response:(. It’s been over 5 hours and I know his schedule; no question he’s read it. I’m just so sad.
anon

January 28, 2014 at 3:42 am

Leave in this time just move on no matter what. no good in worrying and being sad and if you keep busy you will feel less sad.

Emily A

January 20, 2014 at 7:43 pm

So I have been in a committed relationship for 4 years and 2 months. About over a week and a half ago we broke it off because he had told me that he kissed another girl. I forgave him because at the beginning of our relationship I had kissed another guy and left him. But I came back and we were great as far I could see. But he still left. And all the while we still talked he still told me he loved me and we spent the night in a hotel and once at my house having intercoarse. He kept telling me that he was not going anywhere and we’ll I finally got sick of him not telling me the truth and I asked the girl he had kissed what was going on. He had been lieing to her and I and then he finally told me that he wanted her not to have sex but a relationship without it. I don’t want to lose him. I still love him, he even told me again after everything went down that he loves me, I just don’t know what to do, because he really wants to be with her. And it makes no since to me how you can love someone and walk away to be with someone else. I’m hoping it is a rebound, and I wondering if this no contact thing could be good for me? He also proposed to me during this. I just need help!

admin

January 21, 2014 at 5:57 pm

I think it could be a very good thing for you.
Emily A

January 21, 2014 at 8:50 pm

He says that he doesn’t know why he wants her, he just does, he also thinks that if they do go out that it probably wouldn’t last long, and he says he doesn’t want to stop talking to me. I’m really scared to do the no contact rule, because I feel like he would not care if I did. But I guess this would be a good way to see if he does care. I’m going to try it.

Emily

January 20, 2014 at 3:50 pm

So my boyfriend of 4 years and 2 months, was talking to a girl behind my back, he then kissed her, and lied to me about his feelings for her. We broke up, but we kept talking because he told me he was not going anywhere. So we spent the night at a hotel, and then he spent the night at my house, yes doing things. Until I got sick and tired of being lied to a strung along I texted the girl and he had never stopped lieing to either one of us. But he still says that he loves me and that he doesn’t want to have sex with her he just wants a relationship without sex. And I know it sounds stupid to want to get him back, but we were each others first and I love him. And he tells me that he doesn’t want me to have sex with anyone else. Do you think if I do the no contact thing, that there is a good chance he might regret all this, because right now he doesn’t regret it. please and thanks.

Emily

January 20, 2014 at 3:57 pm

Oh he also proposed in November, when he was supposedly talking to her and he wont take anything back,

ripez

January 20, 2014 at 3:17 pm

Hey me and my bf for 2 and a hal year broke up. The thing is everytime we broke up he will contact me later and apologies and we get back together we broke up like 3 yimes and its always him who initiate the break up and getting back together, this time he broke up with me again , I decided to go for the NC rule is two weeks now and he has never said a word I saw him this 2 times and just had small conversation s like hi how are you and bye. Do you think I am wasting my time hoping if is 2 weeks in NC and havent heard a word from him

admin

January 20, 2014 at 7:54 pm

No I would still stick to nC>

Jim

January 20, 2014 at 6:50 am

ex is going to las vegas with his family next weekend. I want to break the 30 day rule to say “win the big bucks” which I did every time he went there. It will only be day ten,,,,
thanks
Zoey

January 20, 2014 at 6:36 am

My ex-b/f and I were together for almost 4 yrs and have known each other since we were kids. He moved to my state for me. Our relationship was complicated by outside matters and was difficult. I needed to just break fr it because I was drained fr all that was going on in my life. i know that hurt him terribly & we remained close thru the break, talking, texting & seeing each other (no sex). I started wanting to get it back & didn’t know how to approach him. We talked about future plans but really didn’t get into too much. I’ve always felt his love/even now. He came to me when he started dating someone approx 3 wks. I asked him to end it w her because I still loved him. He told me he still loved me but he wasn’t sure things would change for us to the point of marriage. He said he had to see this new thing thru so that he doesn’t look back at any point if we get back together. He also said he didn’t want to hurt her feelings & was worried about what others around them would think of him. We’ve kept in contact thru the entire relationship w her. (7 mos) We only took approx 1 month of NC but he called me when he saw me in my car one day and we have continued contact since. He took me out for my bday, FB contact, texts, calls. She went away for a month during the holidays and we exchanged gifts & had dinner and much contact. (No kissing & no sex). I don’t know what to do. She will be coming back soon & I’m not sure where he stands on anything. I don’t ask about her & he really doesn’t speak about her other than telling me that he feels as though he’s lost his best friend and that she can never be his best friend. He said he’s not sure he can live w a person like her and said he does so much for her almost as a complaint. He also will not allow her to publicly speak about their new relationship. He doesn’t want it out officially that they are an item. (church or otherwise) He was spending NYE w his siblings and snuck away to come see me & give me a hug and kiss and then went off w his family again. I don’t know what to do. He always seems to remind me & want to talk about our personal, intimate moments in our past. All good memories. I’m not the one who brings it up ever but he always manages to slip a memory in. I don’t know what to do. He knows I love him very much and want him back. Please help – what do I do at this point?

ZOEY

January 21, 2014 at 5:09 am

When we call each other it is anytime, day or night. The conversations range between 1-3 hrs depending. When we are together he always gives me the longest and tightest hugs. I know he loves me, I just don’t know if he’s falling for her more and just wants me to be his friend. I think he knows we can not remain friends if he stays with her. For me, it is not enough and she would not allow be fine with it.

rita

January 20, 2014 at 5:59 am

Hi,
I hv a boyfriend from 2 and 1/2 yrs. He is really stubborn and treats me according to his moods… I m very much committed towards him.
Had an abortion also and he didnt even came to see me. I was alwz there for him whn ever he needed me but he alwz left me alone. But i forgave him as always. He never apologise though.
From last 1 month he has blocked me. Never answers my texts and calls. Nvr tells me anything abt him, like where he z going, wht he z doing etc. Insults me like hell. He said he dont want me in his life and wants me to leave. I cried, begged, did everything but all is a waste. He called me names and continued his behaviour of mistreating me.
Then i gave up and texted him dat “may be u r right. U dont love me anymore. And i cant force u to love me. So this time i m leaving frm ur life.”

But Then i read ur article abt no contact. So my question is can i still implement a no contact rule to get him back (after i texted him dat i m leaving frm his life). i love him very much and want him.

admin

January 20, 2014 at 7:38 pm

I think you can yes.
rita

January 20, 2014 at 6:16 am

And yes, he was truely in luv with me. Donno wht happened. From last 1 yr or more, he z mistreating me. But i love him so much. With our ups and downs, i was always dere with him. Loving him supporting him but he always mistreats me. I m hurt.
And i just got a txt frm him dat he wants to meet me but i didnt replied. As i told u earlier i sent a txt to him dat i m leaving frm his life.
rita

January 20, 2014 at 11:34 am

Hi chris, i m really really hurt now. I ignored his texts and calls so he came home and started talking dat y i m not replying, to which i said dat he made it very clear that he dont want me in his life.
I asked one last time dat “plz tell me clearly dat u want me in ur life or not?”
He said, “he said NO” and left.

I m so confused and deeply hurt … All at d same time. Y is he calling or texting if he dont want me??? Plz tell me if dere is any chance for me to get him back with no contact rule.. Ur article is very encouraging. But plz tell me d truth coz he is forcing me to go and i m loosing hope.

Thanks for ur help.

Jen

January 19, 2014 at 5:53 am

Curious if this can work in my situation. May have screwed it up big time…

Ex and I broke up in November, didn’t speak through December. One week into January I returned some things to him and we ended up sleeping together, spending the night, and sex again in the morning. After that, some apologies were made from both sides but we are not back together. Texted each other for about a week after but the vibe from him is kinda platonic and distanced… Understandable. But it bums me out.

So I have implemented No Contact. Three days in I got the one word “hey,” bit the bullet and didn’t respond. Been three days since that, not a peep.

Can this work for me, or are my chances sorely dampened now because we hooked up?

Thanks for your advice on this…

admin

January 20, 2014 at 12:46 am

Has he tried to booty call you at all since?
Jen

January 20, 2014 at 2:03 am

Short answer: No. Just called once now (after I ignored his text) and left a message that was like checking in… Asking me to call him back.
Jen

January 20, 2014 at 2:05 am

Today marks 1 week NC
Jen

January 20, 2014 at 2:50 am

In fact, I’d appreciate if you delete the above responses as I feel they are a little too personal… I’m probably being paranoid. I just really want this to work and that’s why I’m sticking to NC… AS HARD AS IT IS. X(
admin

January 20, 2014 at 7:18 pm

There are like 20 of them hahaha. I will get rid of as many as I can.
Jen

January 20, 2014 at 12:59 am

No. But the situation is weird because he works long distance and when we hooked up, it was right before he was leaving again. So he is out of town until the end of January at least. I am using TXB right now. Just curious if you think 30 days is sufficient, if I should go longer (like let time pass while he is actually in the same side of the country as me, etc.). On a side note, I don’t think he would just booty call me. Though I have done that to him… The dynamic is weird.

We had a rocky on/off relationship, mostly because of the semi-long distance thing and my own jealousy/trust issue. But I believe there is a real undercurrent of love and connection that may make all this worth it. And I have spent considerable time and money trying to heal myself.
admin

January 20, 2014 at 7:11 pm

No I think it is sufficient.
Jen

January 20, 2014 at 7:31 pm

Thank you, lol.
Jen

January 20, 2014 at 1:03 am

In the times we were “off,” it never lasted more than a few days… A week at most. I know that old pattern needs to die and I really want to try to do this the right way with him this time, if at all possible. I really love him and I believe he still loves me… He’s probably just afraid, deep down. We hurt each other.
Jen

January 20, 2014 at 1:07 am

Oddly, I was more like the man in the relationship where sex is concerned. I wanted it a lot more often than he did… Mostly because he was tired from work and so much travel. But, when it happened it was always great, and I stayed faithful … and so I was frustrated a good deal of the time. Lol.
Jen

January 20, 2014 at 1:08 am

And when we did hook up, I totally was evil and seduced him. I can’t even blame anybody but myself for that.
admin

January 20, 2014 at 7:13 pm

It’s not evil if he liked it hahaha.
Jen

January 20, 2014 at 1:10 am

^ I mean the most recent, post breakup hookup.
Jen

January 20, 2014 at 1:16 am

So, this breakup is more significant… It’s been two months now since the blowout fight. I found out through a friend that in his mind, this the only time the relationship has ended for him. So in one way, that is good, because the old relationship was unhealthy and needed to end…. Now a new, healthier one can be formed, at a healthier pace, I hope.
Jen

January 19, 2014 at 6:21 am

We were together 11 months total.
Jen

January 19, 2014 at 10:04 pm

He actually called my phone AND left a message today… That hasn’t happened in awhile, and certainly not without me having to ask for it.
Jen

January 19, 2014 at 10:09 pm

Still, the message was lighthearted and friendly. Like checking in… With a hint of nervous in the tone of voice.

Claire

January 18, 2014 at 9:13 pm

Hi Chris, I broke up with my bf a week and half ago. I realised it was the wrong decision to break up with him have tried the needy texting and emailing him, and he hasn’t responded for 4 days now…but after reading your article I will try the NC rule, please, will this definately work!??

admin

January 20, 2014 at 12:42 am

Can’t say it will Definitely work but it can work very well for you if you stick to it.

Nic

January 17, 2014 at 10:57 pm

Day 18 of NC! Were you ever right – It is HARD! I’ll be back, for some advice, when i hit the end of the first 30 days…

admin

January 20, 2014 at 12:18 am

I know it is hard…

It’s like this constant battle within yourself and you always find yourself checking your phone hoping that the person will be the one to text you.

meli

January 17, 2014 at 10:35 pm

Me and my ex of 3 years just broke up 11 days ago and we still texted (mostly I started the text first) and he replied well to me. The thing is we are now living in different state which involve 3 hours time difference. We knew we were heading LDR but I decided to break up with him. The last time we met when we had ‘mutual’ break up He asked me if I’m clear not to have LDR and I said yes not to have LDR. And now I regret it. on the last conversation about 6 days ago but u wanted to ask about LDR but from the answers he gave I said: I was about asking if ur last offer still up but I think now I know where you are going.

I am now on my day 6 of NC and just found out that he removed me as a close friend on his Facebook. I’m freaking out and wonder should I text him tomorrow or stick with NC for another 3 weeks. I’m quiet sure he won’t text me first which makes me quite sad.

I haven’t like or comment on his Facebook activities which I normally do. The last time he said he wasn’t angry but I kind of feel that he somehow upset to me which is understandable as I may have break his heart from my decision to break up the relationship.

admin

January 20, 2014 at 12:18 am

Have you read my LDR guide?
meli

January 20, 2014 at 10:18 pm

Not yet, can I get the link?
admin

January 21, 2014 at 5:59 pm

The link to what? Sorry I lost the context of our convo.

Catherine

January 17, 2014 at 7:44 pm

I waited and he messged and aaid he is with someone now but why would he message me at all
Jim

January 17, 2014 at 7:09 pm

This is what my boyfriend said after 4 years –
I care about you. I’m asking you to please let me go as I would like to see other people. There is someone I want to get to know. I would like to still go out with you every now and then but right now, I just need space. Please understand. This is already hard for me.-
We did not live together. He lives with his family that does not know he’s gay. He’s 33 and I’m 50. I’m the first guy he’s been with. We only spent the weekends -Friday night to Sunday night together at my place. He knows I love him but he does not use the “L” word because he thinks it’s too strong. I told him I will be here for him. He wants me to part of his life. He said he saw the possibility of us getting back together. I sent him two love song videos. Was that wrong? I do want him back even though it was a strange and unique relationship and many friends say they would not be involved in. Try or give up?
Shannon

January 17, 2014 at 1:15 pm

Hello Chris

My boyfriend broke up with me 4 weeks ago today. I have left a comment before about my situation.. I kind of implemented No contact… My boyfriend and I are in the same friend circle and I organise a lot of the group outings so I have spoken to him about events and spoken to him at group things but not too much, we agreed to stay friends so everything has been quite normal, which is weird.
He shows signs that he could still be interested in me, he flirts, touches, talks and stares at me.
Monday night my friends and I were out and I ended up having to be taken to hospital, he drove me and we met my friends and mother there. My ex stayed with my mother and I even after friends had left and he made more of an effort to talk with my mother than he ever has before.
So what I am asking is should i continue no contact? Or initiate some conversations so he knows I am still interested? or???
Help will be appreciated:)

admin

January 20, 2014 at 12:11 am

No contact.

shienaaz

January 17, 2014 at 6:34 am

Dear chris, I met this wonderfull guy online and we were seeing each other for around 6months, he’s bn my 1st guy iv bn with in 4years since losing my husband in a heart attack. Also as I am extremely choosy , its taken me a while to meet someone I really like only to mess it up because of my haste. The one fatal mistake I’ve made is in sleeping with him too soon despite him asking all the time for us not to move onto that level so fast( I slept with him, I inititated yet again, after 3months of meeting him) he insisted we take it slow and wait but I practicaly seduced him so he cudnt refuse. Anyway, I’m on week 6 of no contact with him after he just turned silent 6weeks ago. I initialy texted him asking what’s wrong etc , see him online reading my texts, yet got no response at all and just stopped texting him after trying thrice to get a response. So he ignores me yet doeznt block me from seeing him online, I don’t understand, I think he is dissapointed that this relationship has turned more into a sexual one than anything else and now has no desire to see me again. My question to you, I cannot get myself to text him 1st after the 30day no contact whch has passed 3weeks ago, and cannot see myself texting him 1st either as I’m so afraind of bn rejected. Do you in your experience know of any success in gettung your ex back where the guy made contact 1st? Do you think he would or has he moved on already? Thanx again for your great website, you helping women all over the world( I am proof of that as I’m writing all the way from sunny cape town, south africa)

admin

January 20, 2014 at 12:06 am

I have heard of plenty where the guy made the first move.

Anonymous

January 16, 2014 at 7:36 pm

On day 4. I would say today was the hardest and most progressive day. It’s not the thought of losing that person that hurts, and that statement comes with no judgement or bitterness towards them. If they have a heartbeat they are as worthy of love, life and abundance as any other person. Regardless of their actions. It’s the feeling that comes when you are withdrawing from a source and reflection of your inner love and self that has never been as it is now. Our relationships are direct reflections of the relationship that we have with our self… our source. So every relationship teaches us a new, refreshing and at times frightening perspective of ourselves as we are constantly evolving, shifting and growing. It can seem easy and sometimes right to think that we should hold that person responsible for our loss of love, that it is their fault, actions or inactions that are creating this pain, this void or this trauma in our body’s and souls and that if they would only come back to us and reengage in our lives this pain would stop and everything would be better. The truth is it usually does the opposite. Today i almost caved and e-mailed him as i have blocked him from every other form of communication. If i had i would have really regretted it, even though i do and did love him very much. Thanks for setting up this forum it helped me alot to feel better and know that i’m doing the right thing!!
kate

January 16, 2014 at 6:58 pm

Will this work if we have only been dating almost three months? We met through a mutual friend and he liked me awhile before we started actually dating. It got serious fast and he seemed crazy about me (I.e waiting for sex, got std tested, spent everyday and night together, met family after a week, fancy dates, and expensive Christmas present) but then when I was blackout drunk I kept trying to go through his phone and I guess pinched him when he wouldn’t let me (my friends say we were play wrestling but he had a bruise and he said I was trying to hurt) he went and stayed at his mom’s and when I sobered up the next day he dumped me over it. I text him pleading once and left a note once,and it had been almost three weeks. did I mess up too big?

admin

January 19, 2014 at 11:08 pm

Yes it will!
Kate

January 23, 2014 at 6:39 am

Great thanks! Is there anyway you can delete this so he won’t ever see? Sorry I am just super paranoid lol!

Angela

January 15, 2014 at 9:36 pm

Hey Chris. Me and my ex have been in a relationship for almost 2 years now. He broke up with me a week ago because he wanted to be single for right now and doesn’t want a relationship. He said he still cares about me so he wants us to be just friends. I became a crazy ex and texted him begging him to back and he did for a day because he couldnt deny my love for him but yesterday he texted again saying he just wants to be single for right now and nothing else. I said “okhay. You have loste. You can go.” And he said “Im going. It is my decision. I dont want a relationship right now. Be well. Bye.” And I haven’t replied since. Im thinking of going NC on him but Im not sure if it will work. Will it work, if so, how much are the chances?

admin

January 16, 2014 at 5:43 pm

I think it can work for you as long as YOU are proactive during it.
Christine

January 18, 2014 at 7:50 pm

Oh my gosh. I just got the chills because this sounded exactly like my situation. Chris, I’ve been doing the NC rule for about a week now and I know that my ex wouldn’t miss me yet. But like Angela said, what if we decided to stay friends AFTER me begging (well not really begging, but asking multiple times) him to take me back but he kept refusing? Would he even like me more than as friends again? And also, I’m worried that if I stick with the 30 day NC rule maybe my ex would just assume that I totally moved on and would move on for good too?
admin

January 20, 2014 at 12:40 am

Do you think your relationship with him is that fragile at this point?
Angela

January 16, 2014 at 9:13 pm

Awww Chris. You’re sure you aren’t just saying it to make me feel better right? And yes. I will be proactive during it. Hopefully it works. So the key here is that I need show him that Im not depressed or crying over him and that Im actually happy?
admin

January 19, 2014 at 11:10 pm

Pretty much.

I think it is healthy to cry and sulk BUT only for a little while. Eventually you have to hit a point where you stop feeling sorry for yourself and work on improving your situation.

Ewelina

January 15, 2014 at 6:34 pm

Me and my ex broke up 3 months ago, but we never stopped talking and hanging out. We decided to be friends, with “something more is possible in the future, but in order to get there we need be friends now” (his words). He would say we are not close to get back together just yet, but we were working on it by becoming good friends.
We spent Christmas with his parents, and NYE together with his closest friends, yet he would only say “we are just friends”. Throughout those 3 months we would talk almost 24/7 (except during nights).

Few days ago I caught him on a lie, and he just won’t admit it to it because he knows I would lose interest in being his friend, or having any contact at all. Since that day I decided to go NC.

Long story short, I am trying to get him back, but this time by using NC rule. I tried to be “friends with something more is possible in the future” since he keeps telling me he wants to be with me, but we didn’t get there, and he wasn’t ready or as he would say “he needs to work on his life” and having a gf wouldn’t help him to stay focus on his goals. (get better job, go back to school, and get apartment on his own btw he is 30 years old).

I am currently on my day 9 of NC, and he texted me on day 5 saying “Everything okay?”, and then on day 7 with 3 texts saying “You never texted me back”, “I thought you do that”, and “Or let me know something”. Now he is quiet for 2 days, and I am worry that he might forget about me, or move on with some other woman? Oh, this NC is hard!!!!!
Do you think I should stick and fully finish NC and not worry about him moving on or forgetting me? The last thing I want is for him to move on or lose interest me. What do you think?

admin

January 16, 2014 at 5:30 pm

I doubt he will forget about you.

It is more likely that you will stick out to him BUT if you are really that concerned about it you can shorten the NC period a little bit.
Ewelina

January 16, 2014 at 9:38 pm

Thank you for the reply!
I will go with 21 days. It can’t be too short though.

Catherine

January 15, 2014 at 6:10 pm

So he was all nice and two hours later didnt wanna know me… myself and our friends are confused why… he hasnt blocked me on anything but told me not to speak to him again. Its been nearly 3 weeks is that it now?

Catherine

January 16, 2014 at 8:15 pm

Do I stick to nc or give up?
admin

January 19, 2014 at 11:08 pm

I tend to vote NC BUT the final decision is up to you.

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6,804 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”