The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule- What Is He Thinking?

4,271 thoughts on “The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule”

Olivia

November 11, 2013 at 9:19 pm

Hey Chris! Today is my last day of NC and first off I wanna say that it really has been extremely beneficial to me. At first, I was skeptical about it, but I stuck with it and my emotions are much more stable than they were at the beginning of the breakup!

So it is my last day, and I haven’t talked to my ex at all. And he hasn’t contacted me at all. Which kind of surprised me, so I assume he is the stubborn guy you talked about. I am at the point now where I guess I am suppose to contact him soon, but honestly, I am stubborn too now, and really want him to contact me first. Will he eventually? Or should I go ahead and contact him in the next couple days?

admin

November 12, 2013 at 6:43 pm

I think the time has come for you to contact him 🙂
Olivia

November 13, 2013 at 3:47 am

So, I texted him tonight. And it was going well, he was asking me about me, and he was telling me about what was going on with him. I probably should have ended the conversation earlier than I was planning on because he beat me to it and did not text me back. So what do I do now? How long should I go again before texting him again if he doesn’t text me?
admin

November 13, 2013 at 7:39 pm

2-3 days or if he txts you first.
Olivia

November 12, 2013 at 5:07 am

Also, he broke up with me really randomly, and the relationship was a really good one so it really makes no sense. But since he initiated this random breakup, that makes me want him to contact me first, you know?

jessie

November 11, 2013 at 8:22 pm

Hi Chris! I loved the article. In the end, you mentioned that it IS possible to an “angry guy” back and I was just wondering how? Is there any different approach that should be made in getting back together with the “angry guy”.

My ex and I dated for almost 3 years, and once he started college out of nowhere he called me and dumped me on the phone, a lot of very rude and hurtful things were said. I (STUPIDLY) spent about a week and a half trying to talk things through with him and fix things, which only drove him further away. So i started NC. I’ve been doing NC for a few weeks now, but I am still deeply in love with my ex. Is there any chance of getting him back? And if so, HOW?!

admin

November 12, 2013 at 6:36 pm

Yes patience patience patience.

Also, you really need to dig deep and figure out the root of their anger. Admitedly, some angry guys will be impossible to get back but those are usually rarer cases.

Renee

November 11, 2013 at 3:23 pm

Hi Chris! I’m going through my first break up. So there is this guy who has never had a gf (around 22) and I’ve never had a bf..so we were trying this relationship thing out. Thing is, I had to teach him throughout the entire relationship of how to be a bf because he doesn’t have any women influences in his life. I was fine with this- it’s just it would take him longer to understand things and he would disappoint me. We broke up about 2 weeks ago with minimal contact and I’m a mess! He said that he didn’t expect a relationship to be like this and that he simple wasn’t ready. Fine. But the problem is he was flirting with a girl while we were going through the breakup and they remain good friends. I don’t think this will escalate to a relationship because he now knows what a relationship feels like, but I feel replaced by her so quickly. He already has another best friend and seems to have forgotten all about me. These articles are really helping me realize what goes on in the guys mind… But I have questions.
-wil the NC really work on him? He specifically told me that he wants to give me time and is patiently ready for me to come back as a friend…basically he told me to take all the time I need
-at any point will he actually miss me? He is the type that need someone…ANYONE to distract himself from me. It is likely that if he moves on from the current girl, he will just find someone else to fill the void therefore not really missing my presence.
-he truly and sincerely wants to be friends. Like we started off as really good friends and we thought we could have a relationship but now that things are over, he really doesn’t wanna lose my friendship in his life. He says that if we are meant to be together later,
It’ll happen. But for now, he doesn’t wanna lose my friendship.

I do want him back. I know the breakup is still fresh, but idk if it’s possible to get a guy back that isn’t ready to be in a relAtionship. Will he ever realize the love and care I gave him? Will he ever want to be with me again?

Thanks in advance, you are doing great work for damaged women.

admin

November 11, 2013 at 7:06 pm

Sorry for your first breakup :(.

Have you tried NC? I think it can work on him.
Renee

November 11, 2013 at 3:33 pm

One note to add…. I feel like he’s truly moved on. I feel like he will be satisfied with flirting/talking to girls for the rest of his life until marriage time and he will really be okay without me.
admin

November 11, 2013 at 7:03 pm

Well, maybe but maybe not. You can’t read his mind. He may be going crazy without you but he is too proud to do anything about.

akanksha

November 11, 2013 at 11:22 am

my boyfriend talked to me after nc and said he was not talking to me and doesn’t want to talk because by talking he wud not b able to control his feelings towards me and at any case he dont want that so he wont talk to me
nd by talking he is very rude jst to control his feelings
what shud i do ? 🙁
plz plz help

admin

November 11, 2013 at 6:41 pm

I guess thats a good sign that he still has that deep of feelings for you.
akanksha

November 12, 2013 at 12:12 pm

yes i know he still feels for me that is why i wanna go back to him
but he doesnt answer my calls and dont reply to my messages nd jst says he dont want to continue and if he will talk he wont b able to contron
what shud b my next step to make him realise he has taken a wrong decesion and m still yhere for him
i want him back at any cost 🙁
admin

November 12, 2013 at 7:32 pm

What have you done so far?
akanksha

November 13, 2013 at 10:36 am

After break up i have tried nc but failed in a week then again did it for a month and contacted him after nc and realized that by not contacting him he is forgetting me
he told me that if he talks to me he will not be able to control his emotions
and after that he did not contact me
nd if he does then jst a little reply of ny thing imp
and says that he do not want to talk anything out of the way
i want him back plz help plz
admin

November 13, 2013 at 8:21 pm

Well its pretty easy. Don’t fail in NC.
akanksha

November 14, 2013 at 10:06 am

but i have already done nc for 31 days
after failing in 1st nc
shud i do it again ?
admin

November 14, 2013 at 7:44 pm

Only if you see a need to.

Beth

November 9, 2013 at 2:48 am

Hi Chris…What would you suggest for this situation…my ex-boyfriend and I dated for 3 years, we broke up but still saw each other/talked daily for one more year, and now we’re on not very good terms…I’m pretty sure he has a new girl in his life, he wants to be single and acts sick of me, (but let me assure you, he is VERY jealous of anything I do…clearly still likes me, if I start seeing a new guy which I have before, he will be very upset and has cried about it before & confesses his love for me, etc.) …my question is, how do I do NC and get him to want me again in a situation where we’ve already been broken up for almost a year but still seeing each other, and now he is ignoring me and tired of me?

admin

November 10, 2013 at 12:44 am

I guess you can just do it hahahahaha.

Pauline

November 8, 2013 at 10:25 pm

Hi Chris, first like to say that you have some great info on here and it helps to see things a bit more in perspective. I was wondering though. My ex and I broke up some 4 months ago, but then kept trying to find solutions to our problems, with me getting more and more emotional, needy and angry. In the end he said there’s no hope for us and it’s better to have no contact for a while. He would like to keep me as a friend in the long run. So now I’ve been in NC for almost 3 weeks, but I wonder if NC will actually be of any use if he is the one who initiated it? Im doing him a favour, so why would he care that I don’t contact him? I know the NC can help me to become more myself again, but will it have any effect on him?

admin

November 10, 2013 at 12:15 am

I think it can be but it all depends on what you do AFTER NC.

akanksha

November 8, 2013 at 6:03 pm

hey my boyfriend has a very solid reason of being angry with me its been around 32 days of nc but no call from him and no response of my call
should i again go for nc ? plz help 🙁

admin

November 8, 2013 at 7:27 pm

No you should contact him now. You are allowed to contact after NC.
akanksha

November 9, 2013 at 1:41 am

but he is not replying me after nc 🙁
says he is more happy without me but how is this possible after a 2 yr relationship we were so happy together 🙁
what should i do i cannot live without him
admin

November 10, 2013 at 12:31 am

How long have you been in NC though?

Jj

November 8, 2013 at 5:40 pm

As a general rule – When do you think men start feeling bad about the way they have treated you? when does guilt start to kick in?

admin

November 8, 2013 at 7:25 pm

2 weeks – 2 months hahaha.

Linda

November 8, 2013 at 2:50 pm

Hey Chris 🙂
Your Site is amazing and helps me a lot to understand my boyfriend better.
But at the moment I am really confused, I’ve been doing NC for 3 weeks now and he has not contacted me once, even though he used to text me everyday (when I wasn’t strong enough to do NC). Last week my best friend told me that my Ex texted her randomly asking how she’s doing and stuff. He also asked her how I was doing but then he changed the topic immediately.
Do you think I should leave him alone for good, because i feel like he moved on now?
(I’m sorry for my bad English, I’m from Austria :D)

admin

November 8, 2013 at 7:12 pm

Bad english?

More like perfect english!

Keep doing NC. And no I think you should give this a shot when NC ends.
Linda

November 8, 2013 at 8:53 pm

Aww thank you 🙂
Well.. the last time we spoke he said, he will text me if HE wants to, that’s why I worry so much. But i still have a week so let’s hope he contacts me haha.
admin

November 10, 2013 at 12:02 am

Even if he doesn’t its completely ok.

A

November 8, 2013 at 3:04 am

I commented on here a few weeks ago, but I find this article really helpful. I have been in NC with my ex since we broke up, 14 days ago. Yesterday, he called me midday, then again right after work. He then texted me a picture of my parking pass that he has and said “ok so should I just mail it to you then” I didn’t respond, because a mutual friend had already agreed to get the pass from him for me. I am in the position where I don’t want to talk or think about him, and after the 30 days I would reevaluate if I want to make the effort to try to get back together or move on. He called me again after work, and I ignored the call again. Everyone is telling me to answer his calls and see what he wants, but I really don’t want to break no contact, and since a friend is going to get the parking pass for me, I don’t see a reason to break it to talk about exchanging items. It seems like this is the “mid caller” version, so I’m wondering, should I answer his calls, or continue to ignore him?

admin

November 8, 2013 at 6:42 pm

Hmmm good question. Continue ignoring him.
A

November 9, 2013 at 12:13 am

Ok. He called me again today, then immediately after I got a call from a restricted number. I assumed it was him so I didn’t answer. What should I do if I answer a call from an unknown number, and it turns out to be him? What do I do in that situation?
admin

November 10, 2013 at 12:25 am

Just talk a little bit but then have to go. Be nice and everything but try to be a little short with him.
A

November 9, 2013 at 11:04 pm

Well nevermind, I answered an unknown number that turned out to be him and he wanted to exchange things, since I had some contacts of his that I forgot I had, and I told him a mutual friend would get my stuff from him/I’d give her his stuff, and he got mad asking why I didn’t just ask him for the stuff, and I told him I didn’t want to talk to him. He then asked me when I was going to see this friend again and I said I dunno and he got mad and said “fine if you want to do it that way” and hung up on me. What does this mean??
admin

November 10, 2013 at 1:31 am

It means he didn’t get his way and is acting like a baby.
A

November 23, 2013 at 10:21 pm

So last weekend my friend was over at his house hanging out with her friend. She asked my ex if she could get my parking pass from him. I don’t know what he said to her but he texted me a message saying “So instead of inconveniencing other people why don’t you grow up and work with me to exchange stuff” I didn’t respond. I haven’t wanted to respond to his messages because they have all been a little condescending. the 30 days NC is over today, but I don’t know if I want to contact him, since the last time we talked it didn’t go well and I am stubborn and mad that his texts have all been mean. Also I think he has a bad aftertaste based on our last phone call and the messages that he’s sent me.
admin

November 24, 2013 at 7:10 pm

Well what is your first text looking like?
A

November 25, 2013 at 3:31 am

Well I saw him at a bar last night, and he came up to me and we had a conversation. He said that he was sorry about how he ended things, and that he handled it all wrong, and that he wasn’t ready for a relationship right now. He also said that he wanted me to be able to hang out with him and his friends if I wanted to. I think I might have been a rebound for him, do you think there’s a chance I could get him to want a relationship again? I’m not sure what I should text to him since we had a real conversation last night and he knows I was upset.
admin

November 25, 2013 at 7:57 pm

Just let things cool for a little bit and then text him.

DJ

November 7, 2013 at 8:04 pm

Don’t know if I’m dealing with stubborn guy or angry guy..

Went into nc with ex almost a year. I didn’t like how I was being treated ( appreciation, lack of responding, lame excuses). Figured his interest lied elsewhere because he wasn’t previously like this towards me. I think we both went into nc duel once he realized I was in it. He has a big EGO.

He attempted to reach out but in ways to make me think I was an afterthought. Late night texts, late birthday message, etc. then months later said he loved me and we hadn’t been in contact. We finally meet up but in person seemed very matter of fact. I asked how he’d been and he was vague and indifferent.

Why mention feelings then act this way in person and now not answer texts?

Mind games, stubborn guy, or what.

admin

November 8, 2013 at 5:58 pm

Hahah sounds to me like you are dealing with a hybrid. A bit of stubborn and a bit of angry.
DJ

November 9, 2013 at 9:41 pm

Don’t know if I’m dealing with stubborn guy or angry guy..

Went into nc with ex almost a year. I didn’t like how I was being treated ( appreciation, lack of responding, lame excuses). Figured his interest lied elsewhere because he wasn’t previously like this towards me. I think we both went into nc duel once he realized I was in it. He has a big EGO.

He attempted to reach out but in ways to make me think I was an afterthought. Late night texts, late birthday message, etc. then months later said he loved me and we hadn’t been in contact. We finally meet up but in person seemed very matter of fact. I asked how he’d been and he was vague and indifferent.

Why mention feelings then act this way in person and now not answer texts?

Mind games, stubborn guy, or what.

Does his actions mean he still has feelings and trying to appear like he doesn’t?
admin

November 10, 2013 at 1:27 am

I love that you ladies actually read that. Haha my corny Chris speak of “stubborn guy and angry guy” hahaha.

Maybe a bit of both. Stubborn, angry and mind games all wrapped into one.
DJ

November 10, 2013 at 3:27 pm

Soooooo, if he is being a hybrid of stubborn/angry does that he still has feelings. After our initial meet up, I haven’t heard anything from him I sent two messages and no response. When we met up, he didn’t even ask how I had been while we were apart.

He seemed distant during meet up. I feel like he is thinking “why should I talk to her now or be available when she didn’t care for a year” I did care but went nc because of some things.

Could he be done if he told me he loved me last month. During meet up, I was very friendly and didn’t bring up past at all. Maybe he didn’t like me being so happy.
admin

November 10, 2013 at 10:08 pm

Its just going to take some time. Some patience on your part. Do a better job of establishing that emotional connection with him.
DJ

November 11, 2013 at 3:13 am

Thank you.

I have told him how I felt and asked if we could talk again, but got no response as of yet.

I will let him come to me. Maybe he needs time or maybe he’s no longer interested. His actions now just don’t match with the sentiment he previously expressed just recently.

In my gut, I just feel something is still there.
admin

November 11, 2013 at 6:21 pm

I agree let him come to you.

Rachel

November 7, 2013 at 5:40 pm

Hi Chris!
I’m almost ready to end my NC period (a few more weeks, my situation called for longer than 30 days!) I’m having problems coming up with the first email (I no longer have his number, so i cant text). Everyone has a different opinion on how I should approach it. Is there any way (other than facebook or the comments) I can contact you (if you dont mind of course!) for help?

admin

November 8, 2013 at 5:33 pm

Yes but quite honestly I really only respond to every comment and I don’t respond to every email and Facebook :(.
Rachel

November 7, 2013 at 7:57 pm

never mind, i caved and sent the email i thought was best. made it 73 days of no contact, but unfortunately, i don’t think i’m getting a response. oh well, i tried :-
admin

November 8, 2013 at 5:52 pm

Sometimes responses take times and 73 days NC is impressive.
Rachel

November 8, 2013 at 6:09 pm

He did end up emailing me back 🙂 it wasn’t anything special (i asked for the name of a book, and he wrote back with the name), but it’s an opening. I’ll take it!
admin

November 8, 2013 at 7:26 pm

Hey take what you can get at this stage.

Anita

November 7, 2013 at 4:53 am

Hi Chris. I love your website. So here’s my story. My ex and I dated for 2 years. When we began dating, it was like I found my dream man, after a year passed, I found out that he had a history of drug abuse and relapsed. That was the first time I found out about his drug use. During the 2nd year, things were very rocky, he decided to go to rehab but relapsed quite a bit and I became very sick due to my obsession to his situation. We do love each other dearly, but it came to a point where we were fighting all the time due to the lies and deception that occurred before and during his recovery. To cut to the chase, I decided to finally break up with him because of another relapse, the break up wasn’t pretty, I did say some mean things because I was so angry. He came after me for a few days, but I ignored him. Then when he stopped contacting me, I started feeling guilty for the way I treated him because he does have a disease of addiction (although now that he is in rehab, he is making an educated choice by using). I decided to contact him, but he turned the table on me, and began ignoring me. Finally I gave up and did NC. After 4 days he called to “see how i’m doing” and as soon as I told him “I’m doing great, just working on myself, trying to spend time with family”… soon as I said that, he became so angry and said, well I thought you were going to contact me earlier today to hang out since it’s your birthday”… As soon as he started yelling, I hung up on him. He showed up at my house and wanted to talk to me, after him asking me multiple times to come outside, I finally did. I told him that it’s not fair that he yelled at me and expected ME to contact him on MY birthday when he was the one that was in NC with me. I told him “it’s over between us.” He was very upset, as he was leaving he said “I’m sorry for yelling at you, I do care about you, you have such a beautiful heart.” I told him, “oh please, stop giving me compliments at a moment like this”. He left, and I felt good. He called me 2 days later and I didn’t answer. He left me a voice mail saying “Hi there, sorry about the other night, hope you’re doing well and taking care of yourself. As common courtesy, I just wanted to call and let you know that I will be dating.” What the hell does that mean? Why did he call me to tell me that when I was the one that broke up with him a couple nights before? It’s been day 6 and I haven’t heard anything from him and completely ignored his call. Please explain to me what’s going in his brain…

admin

November 7, 2013 at 6:11 pm

Glad you love my website.

Your ex seems… unstable emotionally to me.

Alesha

November 7, 2013 at 12:44 am

Hi Chris,
Your articles are all so great and have helped me out a bunch but I was wondering if you could write an article on what to do if the girl screwed the guy over. Kind of like a “how to get the angry guy back” because I feel like in this situation it is almost impossible to do.
Thanks

admin

November 7, 2013 at 5:47 pm

I will add it to the list!

Jess

November 6, 2013 at 11:09 pm

What do you do when your ex of a year breaks up with you when your relationship was going really well it’s been 2 weeks now and he’s not contacted me once, I’ve text a few times but to be ignored so I’ve ‘given up’ hoping he’ll see things on his own

admin

November 7, 2013 at 5:42 pm

Well finish out the NC rule and then text him.

Ewelina

November 6, 2013 at 9:10 pm

I just wanted to say I LOVE this article!!!!
Thank you!!!!!!!!

admin

November 7, 2013 at 5:27 pm

Well thank you!

But please it’s a “guide” not an article hahahaha 😉

Anonymous

November 6, 2013 at 6:52 pm

Chris,

My ex was mid-caller. He called about two weeks into my no contact and left a voicemail saying he was checking in and that I could call back or he would try me again. Now I’m almost finished with no contact (tomorrow) and he hasn’t tried again. Will a mid-caller make another effort? Based on his message I feel like he should try again.

Thanks.

Anonymous

November 22, 2013 at 8:14 pm

Thanks Chris. I really enjoy all of your guides. How long should a mini NC period be? Thanks.
admin

November 23, 2013 at 6:56 pm

Lets say between 8-15 days.
Anonymous

December 2, 2013 at 4:33 pm

Thanks Chris – I went back into the mini-no contact period and my ex started chasing me again – he even wished me happy thanksgiving a day early to start conversation. I’m not sure I want my ex back anymore but I really enjoy reading your guides and I have recommended them to several friends who could use the advice!
admin

November 7, 2013 at 5:13 pm

Yes and no. It all depends on the the actual guy.
Anonymous

November 11, 2013 at 3:15 pm

So after 32 days of no contact I saw a picture of my ex with someone else and ended up sending him a sarcastic text message. My ex ended up responding positively – he said they were not a couple and asked me a million questions about how I was. He also mentioned the phone call that I never responded to. I just said I was doing great and hoped he was too. When would it be appropriate to reach out again or should I wait for him to contact me? Thanks.
admin

November 11, 2013 at 7:01 pm

2-3 days you can reach out.
Anonymous

November 11, 2013 at 8:42 pm

My ex reached out today but it was a statement and not a question. He asked me if he should do something yesterday and now he texted to tell me he did it. Should I be responding to things like that?
admin

November 12, 2013 at 6:35 pm

If you are in NC then no. If you aren’t then yes.
Anonymous

November 13, 2013 at 7:05 pm

No contact completed. Sent the confession text yesterday and went well. Then today I get a text from my ex saying he was not ready to accept my facebook friend request yet but he will accept it at some point because he wants us to be friendly. I went on facebook and there was a request pending but I didn’t send it so I’m not sure how it happened. Should I go back into no contact? I don’t want to be friends and it seems like that is what he is thinking based on his text.
admin

November 14, 2013 at 6:14 pm

I am confused. You don’t want to be friends on Facebook?
anonymous

November 22, 2013 at 12:20 am

I completed over 30 days of no contact and then gradually reached out to my ex and we have been getting along for the most part. He has admitted he still has feelings for me although he still thinks that our long term potential might not be good as a couple and that he is confused. He also said he is interested in getting to know this other girl who is a friend of his better which obviously upsets me and then I end up getting emotional and acting stupidly like becoming a text gnat. Should I go back into no contact until I can be less emotional? Or maybe not reach out and only accept contact from him for a while? I read the ebook but I’m really not sure what the best strategy is.
admin

November 22, 2013 at 7:28 pm

Yes I think thats best. Do a mini NC period until you can get your bearings back a bit.

confused

November 6, 2013 at 9:41 am

HELP ME PLEASE IM REALLY CONFUSED!!
I just dont understand my ex. first he is like avioding me when he is the one who broke up with me and he said we could stay as friends who arent close. he also said i cant talk to him because he’ll ignore me or block me but when his friend told him to talk to me and ask me not to do silly things to myself, he did talk to me and our conversation lasted for 3 hours because i tried asking for another chance and we were somehow discussing why we never worked out. now i am not talking to him anymore. does he still care? he said he got over me so quickly because there was more unhappiness during our relationship than happiness which is not true because im sure we had more happy memories. what do i do now D;

admin

November 6, 2013 at 5:40 pm

Well NC is usually a good start.
Ada

November 7, 2013 at 2:28 am

NC doesn’t work for him, he has a new girlfriend to talk to 🙁
admin

November 7, 2013 at 5:54 pm

How do you know it won’t work though?
Ada

November 8, 2013 at 12:59 am

He told me not to talk to him so it’s normal if I do not talk to him for 30 days right?
admin

November 8, 2013 at 6:24 pm

Tough question b/c he says that but I think deep down he doesn’t expect you to actually take him up on the offer.
Ada

November 11, 2013 at 1:55 am

hmm ok. recently he has been talking more often with his girlfriend and it really bothers me because i’m afraid they’ll get closer and stuff :/
admin

November 11, 2013 at 6:13 pm

If only you could mind control him to not to… since you can’t this is just something you are going to have to endure.

Liz

November 6, 2013 at 7:32 am

Really good article. My ex i think falls under the stubborn category. After almost 9 months of solid no contact my ex texted me today asking how I was and said he had seen me recently somewhere. I havent responded and don’t think I should. Would like to know what you think and if I should reply?

admin

November 6, 2013 at 5:37 pm

Please “guide”

hahaha only once you finish NC.
Liz

November 6, 2013 at 10:55 pm

…dont understand what you meant?
admin

November 7, 2013 at 5:41 pm

What specifically do you not understand?

Cathy

November 6, 2013 at 12:43 am

Hi Chris:
I am grateful for this site, particularly because it’s not a one size fits on. Your site is dynamic and you write about things we ask you to. So thank you for all the time you invest in researching, drafting, editing and posting.

Now my guy was a frantic caller turned ignored. Text gnat the whole nine till he finally said “so your gonna ignore me?” then half hour later said “ok”. He can be revengeful I asked him about that but he said he was not like that in relationships. I was the one that broke it off. It is day 15 and there is a good chance he deleted my number. How do you think he will react since I broke it off?

admin

November 6, 2013 at 5:18 pm

Anything in particular you want me to write about?

Probably not well but I think deep down he does want to hear from you.

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4,271 thoughts on “The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule”