The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule- What Is He Thinking?

4,271 thoughts on “The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule”

Rachel

January 13, 2014 at 6:37 pm

Chris,
My situation is a little different. I’ve been broken up with my ex for about 8 months, but he was hanging around, seemingly wanting to get back together. We were getting very close again. He kept talking about making a baby and I just did not respond to these things and shot him down… Until he suddenly decided to disappear when someone else caught his eye. So basically my ex broke up with me and I woke from my stupor and panicked! After telling him I was so sorry for taking him for granted and myself being the frantic caller, he said he needed space and we AGREED to a no contact rule. If we agreed (me, somewhat reluctantly), this does not give me any power here. In fact, I feel like he has it. I’m ok to work on myself (that’s what I’ve been doing the past 8 months), but if this is the main way to win back his desire I have a serious problem here. Any thoughts? Thanks so much.

admin

January 14, 2014 at 5:29 pm

Have you read any of the other stuff? B/c there is a lot more to this than the NC rule.

melashnie

January 13, 2014 at 4:25 pm

Hi Chris
I just want to start off by thanking you for setting up this website for girls who need advice. My question has nothing to do with your ex boyfriend recovery theme, but i just didn’t know anyone else to get advice from. Okay so…
My boyfriend and i have been together since march 2011. We met at university, i had just turned 19 and he was 17 turning 18 in 2 months.
In December 2011, he moved back home (7 hour drive away from me). So our long distance relationship started then, and we”ve been seeing each other every 1 to 2 months.
I am turning 22 next month (February) and he is turning 21 in April.
This is where the problem is coming in… i feel like he is changing in a sense that, he thinks he’s all big and bad. He doesn’t drink etc so he won’t go crazy like that coz he tried drinking before and he is over that phase.
He is responsible. We used to always talk through out the day, and now he’ll say at like 5pm “I’m gonna go tidy up and go to the gym I’ll speak to you at 9pm”. Usually he’d speak till he has to leave for the gym. I know it isn’t a big deal, but i feel like if i don’t handle him properly that i could push him away.
Is it normal for a guy to change a bit coz he turning 21? Is it a phase?
* oh and he used to love talking about future plans with me, but he seems awkward when we talk about future in depth. But he does say we will get married in a couple years.
Gosh reading what I’ve typed ,makes me feel like I’m over exaggerating and going on about nothing. It’s just bothering me coz he mentioned turning 21 a lot of times in our conversations.
Thank you sooooo much for your time Chris!

admin

January 13, 2014 at 6:29 pm

Hahaha do you have a specific question? Like I don’t mean to sound rude this just works better if you ask something specific.
melashnie

January 14, 2014 at 1:18 pm

Lol i know 😮 i talk in circles sometimes 🙂
Okay so… is it possible that he wants more freedom now that he is turning 21?
And how can i make him want less freedom? Not to be mean… but i don’t want him to just want freedom coz of his age. Like i believe people change not just coz of their age, but coz of different experiences in their life. How can i stop him from having this “ego”- or more like just a different attitude just coz of his age?
Today he was talking to me about his birthday plans- he wants to spend the day with me. And the following week he wants to take his mom and brother for a weekend away. He says he wants to do something for them.
Anyways… i just wanna know if should be worried?
Thanks Chris, hope you’re having a wonderful day 🙂

Madison

January 13, 2014 at 6:09 am

Hello,
So I recently about 2 mouths ago I started talking to my old friend (after years of not talk) who I have known since my childhood we started hanging out and started liking each other , we would see each ever chance we had , then things got kind of got strange he didn’t talk to me as much as we use to and we didn’t see each other as much. When we planned on seeing each other (after 3 weeks of not seeing each other we live far form each other) on new years he was all for it so I went over there the night before his friend were over I was okay with that but he was just kind of off , when we were going to sleep he said “What if I told you it wasn’t a good idea you stayed until Wednesday, my dad will be mad ” I really said nothing , the next day I was all mad and didn’t talk to him and he asked what was wrong ! when we knew ! I told him why and he said ” sorry plus my dad wants me to do a family thing for new years ” which I knew was a lie he wanted to go out with his friends I just don’t get why I couldn’t go? so I said ” why cant you just tell me you want to go out with your friends instead of lying to me ” he promised he wasn’t , When I was about to leave he told me he loved me I was surprised because we weren’t “official ” yet and never even said that so I left and he texted me like nothing happened and I told him it was bull shit and I didn’t want to be with him if he was going to be like this and I didn’t hear anything for 8 days , then he called and give me this story about his dad and a fight and told me thats why he could get a hold of me for 8 days! when he was on facebook and snap chat ! he said he dose love me hes known me his whole life and has those feelings for me and told me ” I want to work this out” so I like okay we should talk more about it , I tried calling him after work and no answer it was late so and I thought he fell asleep , he texted me the next day and said “im sorry I was sleeping last night” so all I said was “okay well if you want to talk give me a call around 4″ he never said anything and never called me for 2 days I heard nothing ! I finally called him today and said ” I haven’t heard from you in 2 days why ? he said ” my dad took my phone and I thought you were going to call me ” I said “no I told you to call me , do you treat every girl like this? your treating me like shit and I don’t like it you could have told me what was going on on facebook if you wanted to you could have got a hold of me” he said ” I am sorry I need to focus on some things and my computer wasn’t work” so I asked ” should we not do this ” and he said like ” yeah ” something like that , so I said “fine we wont we will see other people ” he said ” okay, I don’t want this to end on bad trams I still want to talk text me ” and we hung up. I never texted him but he texted me “Madi I am sorry for not letting you know whats going on . you deserve better !

I never texted back because I have no idea what to say and don’t really want to say anything right now , Do you think he is worth it ? should I just move on ?

admin

January 13, 2014 at 6:25 pm

What is best for you in the long run. That is what you need to ask yourself.

Alycia

January 11, 2014 at 3:07 am

I took your advice on the no contact rule. I hit the one week mark tomorrow. My relationship ended due to me treating him horribly for a solid month and then another month of annoying the heck out of him because I realized I what I did and was willing to do what ever I could to make it better. After a screaming match he finally stated that he needs space to get over things and to move on. He also says we aren’t going to be together. Reading this page is feeding my fears that there is nothing I can do. He is both angry and stubborn. Does this take all my chances away ?

admin

January 12, 2014 at 4:40 am

No, it just means you will need to have your patience shoes on.

Perhaps I should come up with a better analogy….

Erica

January 11, 2014 at 1:04 am

My ex is a very emotional person and does not like texting in general anyway, he told me that he would like his space (after freaking out on me and being a jerk) and he told me that we can’t even be friends because he’s confused and doesn’t know what he wants. I feel like the NC won’t work on him because I feel like he’s completely done with me. Side note: we see each other in the hallways at school between classes when we walk by each other and he completely avoids eye contact with me. He’s confusing and I don’t want to waste my time trying the NC and just have him give up on me

admin

January 12, 2014 at 4:38 am

Give him his space…

Try your best to not make things awkward.

miranda

January 10, 2014 at 1:07 pm

Hey Chris!
My exboyfriend has sen me messages during the no contact…i haven´t answer him nothing..it has been now 21 days of no contact…this tuesday he send me 6 messages…today he send me 3 messages..the first one was like this; Happy new year and happines to your life…the second message; I think that you have a new boyfriend because you have beenso active in whatsapp messenger…the third message; Send me a list about yor thing that you still have in my house because i have to know it today.it´s important. I will bring your thing at the evening to your door. After this day i will not bring your stuff. I haven´t answer anything to him! Is he now mad because i haven´t contact him or what???? Im clueless because why he didn´t ask me the list about my stuff before this week when he send me messages….why now?
rach

January 9, 2014 at 5:07 pm

Im on day 10 of this no contact rule its far harder than I thought but so far I haven’t caved in just pray to god it works as I havent had any messages from him yet and very fearful I wont hear from him xx
K

January 9, 2014 at 10:58 am

Just a question — will one of these reactions still come out if he broke up with me, or will he just not care? He seemed very reluctant to break up with me because it was based on some unfortunate circumstances surrounding our relationship (school). It happened the day we first saw each other after a long distancey thing for three and a half weeks, so a few days ago. It was pretty much the whole “it’s not you, it’s me” thing. So, will he still have one of these reactions to NC? He told me when he broke up with me that we’d still hang out.

admin

January 10, 2014 at 1:38 am

Sure I tried to list every reaction in almost every circumstance.

J

January 9, 2014 at 2:54 am

Your information is very helpful. I have a question. My ex was caught cheating. I changed my number and now doin the nc. Was it a mistake to change my number or was this the right thing to do?

admin

January 10, 2014 at 1:17 am

A mistake I think but to be honest it doesn’t matter he will still probably want to hear from you.

Em

January 8, 2014 at 7:07 am

I recently had a sort of mutual break up with my boyfriend of 2.5 years (living together 6mths). He said that he had doubts about whether or not he wants to settle down with me or at all and thinks there are things that he’d like to do single. We came to the conclusion that breaking up was really the only option. I’ve made some mistakes (not having much of a life of my own and being clingy etc). He has also realised that he might have commitment issues and has said he’ll be going to counseling to sort those out. While our relationship wasn’t the best before it ended (bit of a roommate rather than lover type rut), we both believe there is still a lot of potential there. He wants a few months to sort his stuff out and I know I need some as well to better myself. Should I do NC till he contacts me (potentially in a few months) or just do the 30 day thing?
Thanks so much for your help! This site and your book is awesome
Katie

January 8, 2014 at 3:54 am

Hi Chris!

I just want to let you know that the NC really works. After the break up I stuck to your NC rule like a mantra – no matter how tempting it was to communicate with him. On the 5th day, he texted something work-related (we worked in the same company before and I have a higher post than him) I didn’t have a choice but to break the NC rule. I replied professionally and that was that. I stuck to the NC rule again and on the 7th day, he sent me a random text about some guy in the office. At first, I was tempted to respond but when I thought about all the $hitty things he did to me when we were still together, my interest on getting back with him slowly began to wane. To my surprise, I just read the message and deleted it altogether. He was the Angry Ex before then turned to the stubborn ex then to the mid caller. I have the most active social life ever after the break up and was able to focus more on myself and started seeing my friends. My facebook became active as well as they posted pictures of us going out and having fun. My friends, who I haven’t seen for a long time told me I looked better and prettier ^_^. I know the best revenge you can give your ex is to be happy. A part of me, admittedly, wanted him to see that. I was just wondering… What do you think is going on in his head? Does he go to my wall? Sorry… I know it sounds petty but my curiosity about the male mind at a time like this is killing me. I’m not dating yet, by the way. And I haven’t contacted my ex ever since that random text message. He hasn’t communicated with me either. Thanks a lot and more power to you for heing us ladies get back our self-worth.
Sir_Sleep

January 7, 2014 at 6:22 pm

I broke up with my girlfriend and realised the next day how much I actually wanted the relationship to work. I initiated the ‘no contact’ phase after desperately trying to repair the relationship for 2weeks, because nothing else was working and I had exhausted all other options. It was all going well, but 7days in I saw on facebook that she had met and started dating someone else. At this point I knew not to contact her and keep her wondering why I didn’t care….but I completely collapsed as I was drunk and angry and sent her the longest, angriest, most repulsive message ever. I instantly feel deep with regret and knew I’d completely failed the second it sent, so I immediately started to apologise. I continued trying to make amends for the following 7 weeks….slowly things got better. But one day she woke up, got annoyed with me for speaking to her friends and told me to never contact her again. Things got a bit messy the next time I saw her out as one of my friends went over and gave her and her friends some hassle for ignoring me. We’ve talked since, but it wasn’t exactly the most civil conversation and she’s told me she wants nothing to do with me.

I guess what I’d like to know…..is this another ‘no contact’ arrangement or is it really too late? I fear I messed things up the second I sent her that horrible message just a week after ‘no contact’ as things have spiralled downwards ever since. I was so close to keeping my cool and not making contact that night, I cannot forgive myself and don’t know what to do! Her friends and family now all seem to hate me too….
Bryn

January 6, 2014 at 5:24 pm

So I caved because I just wanted to apolgize for the way I handled things and telling him I respect his decision and I am taking this time for myself. He did not respond or anything . And won’t answer anything . Did I completely f this up? Does it mean that he just completely okay and doesn’t want anything to do with me?

Bryn

January 7, 2014 at 2:32 pm

Okay, update. So, he actually wasn’t ignoring me. He ended up calling me to tell me his phone had been off because he has been working a lot. Kept the conversation short and end convo. He then actually texted me later that night to see if I still had his contact solution. Funny, because why wouldn’t he just go buy a new one. He sent me 5 text messages in a row then tried calling me once. I did not respond. Until he wouldn’t stop, so I just kept it short and said no I tossed it sorry. he just said okay thanks anyways and I did not respond. Hope I did okay.

Malvika

January 5, 2014 at 2:18 pm

Hey Chris…

I have a weired situation. We were attached to each since last 3 years… He has always called me the best and the perfect one for him. But he found my argumentative nature very bad and hence inspite of realising that I am the best one for him he moved away. We have been in a very on off communication since last one year… Though I was not aware earlier but few months back I came to know that he has committed himself to another girl whom he was parallely dating… I am insanely in love with him.. I was in a great shock to know this… We still were in conversation and he himself acknowledged that he is still attached to me and finds me better than any other girl.. But now as he is committed he can’t do anything… A month ago he met me twice and even was emotional with me… He said that he knows how much I love him but he has committed and has nothing left for me… Though he still says that I am the best for him but because he committed he can’t be with me… He is just keeping his words with the other girl… Now to push me away he became extremely rude to me and was very harsh in words … He knows and acknowledges that I love him insanely and will never marry and wait for him.. But still he can’t break his commitment …. He has blocked me from FB and WHATSAPP but yes not from calls or regular texts… We last had a very bad conversation on 30 th Nov and since then we are in a No Contact phase … I stopped texting him or calling him …, recently I called him to wish New year… But he didn’t pick and disconnected. I texted him new year wishes but he didn’t respond… It was a 30 day No contact but nothing worked… I am clueless … I am insanely in love with him and don’t know how to bring him back.., please help…,
Maddie

January 5, 2014 at 4:43 am

So I failed no contact twice after starting it two weeks after my boyfriend broke up with me, I was a total text gnat for the first week or two trying to figure out what happened and to sort through the WHY. He seems adamant that he doesn’t want me back, saying stuff like “you’re an incredible person, I don’t regret dating you, but you’re not the one for me and I’m not the one for you” and stuff, but we were completely and totally fine up until five days before we broke up when he started acting all weird so I asked if he needed a break to kinda sort through it, and he said yes so I gave him some space. I’m only 16 but I felt really connected to him, he mattered the world to me and I guess I just want him back really badly. It’s been a little over a month since we broke up. He will respond if I text him but he won’t text me first, even though he said he was sure he wanted to remain friends. He said the reason we broke up was because he just didn’t feel it anymore, I’m just wondering if there’s any hope I guess as I am basically just starting no contact now (I found your site today, it’s brilliant by the way) and I had been a huge hyperemotional text gnat in the first few days, and what would you have me do? I should add we didn’t fight very much at all, we dated for nine months and had good communication about everything and stuff. :/
Ally

January 4, 2014 at 6:39 pm

Update on the comment I just posted. I decided to send him the name of the song and he sent me a song back. I feel a little better but still not sure what to think or do next :/
Ally

January 4, 2014 at 6:21 pm

So I wrote on here a few days ago and decided to start my first text.
This is how the convo went:

ME: I have a confession to make…
HIM: ?
ME: I was listening to music and this one song made me think of you for the first time in a while I think you’d like it. It actually made me smile!
HIM: Is this the part where you say a song that talks about how the guys an asshole
ME: Not at all, I’m being serious
HIM: Ok well I’m happy for you. And if we are being honest, it was my friends who texted you on new years I wouldn’t have done that on purpose because I wouldn’t want to be a dick like that.
ME: I just wanted to show you a song. See you around maybe.
HIM: Well I mean obviously I’ll see you around. And I mean you’re the one who has to show me haha…

I just didn’t answer after that because I was a bit discouraged 🙁 Idk what to do next!

admin

January 4, 2014 at 6:35 pm

Well, it wasn’t the best interaction.

However, look at the positives. He is responding. Take about 3-5 days before you reach out again.

Bryn

January 3, 2014 at 12:28 am

Hi Chris, I am really excited I came across this site. I could def use a guys perspective!
I am currently in the NC stage, 7 days strong. My ex and I had been on again off again for 1 year and half. Basically, he has difficulty committing but then always comes back, however, I am usually the one that initiates it. One time he did initiate it because I didn’t speak to him for two weeks. The other times I would reach out after a week and he would miss me too but then back into our hold habits. So I am trying really hard to just not do that anymore and if he wants to talk to me then he will because I know he has in the past. He did say that he would reach out to be again. So do you think as a guy he really will? This last break up like our other ones usually ends up me being really upset and begging and doing days of texting and him getting angry. He did say things when he was angry that were mean, do you feel this was just out of anger and he regrets it? I also did not text him on NYE which was very hard and I was miserable. But, I feel that he was probably expecting me to cave and email or text him but I stayed strong. Do you think he was surprised by this? Or maybe a little upset? Lastly, during this break up he said that he loves me and always will love me because of what we have been through, but he doesn’t know if he is in love with me. When I asked him if it had to do with our fighting and back and forth and he said yea and that he needs this time to see how his heart truly feels and this time for him. Do you think he really fell out of love this fast?

admin

January 3, 2014 at 7:52 pm

No but I think his feelings have changed a bit.
Bryn

January 4, 2014 at 12:43 am

Because he did say at one point he misses me but needs this time
For himself. He doesn’t have a job and wants to get into therapy for
His own personal stuff .
Bryn

January 4, 2014 at 8:14 pm

Any thoughts on if you think he will reach out again? Please help!
Bryn

January 4, 2014 at 12:38 am

Do you think he will still contact me ? Do you think his feelings could come back ?

Lucy

January 2, 2014 at 9:17 pm

Could you possibly do a guide that outlines a man’s reaction to no contact when he is already dating someone new or has a new girlfriend? Does it change at all?

admin

January 3, 2014 at 7:46 pm

I will put it on the list!
H

January 8, 2014 at 1:52 am

And if he is in a rebound relationship? Pretty please, thank you!

Deepali

January 2, 2014 at 2:30 pm

Hey Chris,

My boyfriend broke up with me 5 days back over an argument. I was the abusive, manipulative and exploitative partner in the relationship…did such horrible things that even my friends say they wouldn’t date me. The final straw was when I abused his parents infront of the rest of his family. I truly repent everything I’ve said and done and know my chances of getting him back are more than slim but I do love him and have been trying to change for the better.

The last time he contacted me was when my mom asked him to, out of respect, only to tell me that he doesn’t want a girl who disrespects his family and sounded very very very angry. What complicates this issue is the family. I guess they would never forgive me and am sure he doesn’t want to look like a fool by taking me back.

I’m 2 days into NC now but with doubts. My friends say that NC for 30 days is a bad idea as he would think that I’ve moved on (which he is very likely to). Besides, he is leaving the country by the end of this month and once he’s out, there’s no way I can contact him (he’s blocked me on everything possible).

Is there any solution to this?

admin

January 2, 2014 at 6:45 pm

Well, the decision is up to you obviously but I think its a good idea.

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4,271 thoughts on “The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule”