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4,271 thoughts on “The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule”

  1. Fiona

    March 4, 2014 at 7:57 pm

    Hi. Me and my now ex boyfriend have been broken up for a week now. It’s been difficult as he broke up with me. I’ve tried so hard to get him to give me another chance but he won’t. We never cheated and we still love each other. He broke up with me because we fought over stupid little things that could be fixed but he doesn’t have time to sort it out and he told me he’s not mature enough. He’s stressed out as he has exams in a few weeks and they are really important to him and his family. He studies a lot and has barely any time for me or his friends. And he works too! I’m not sure what to do. He told
    Me he still loves me and he doesn’t want to do this but he has to because he wants to escape from everything… He’s acting like he doesn’t care about me anymore. We talked a few days ago and he said that it’s over and that’s just have to accept it!!! I’ve also noticed he’s been in contact with a girl I dislike. I’ve been doing the NC rule for 2 days now and all I do is think about him and I’m scared incase he moves as he’s told me to move on when I don’t want to. I love him so much and I want to be with him. What should I do??

    1. admin

      March 5, 2014 at 5:19 pm

      You are still so early into this no contact rule. Give it some time.

  2. Amber

    March 4, 2014 at 2:44 pm

    Hi Chris,

    I seriously am your biggest fan. It’s actually a little embarrassing. Before anything, I cant tell you enough how much reading your blogs has helped me throughout my most difficult times. The minute I feel weak, I seriously have your blog on my phone and I just re-read it over and over. I have to tell you… I cant thank you enough for writing this and letting us know how men really think, and what their actions means.

    I am now exactly on 21 days of no contact with my Ex. Our 7 year anniversary is March 10. I am not fb friends with my ex, but he will put status’s like “never regret anything” and just pretending to be so happy like the way you described in the “The Fake Reality Phenomenon” paragraph. (Thank you so much for also explaining that to us woman) anyways… last night he sent me a text asking me if i went onto his fb and changed his password and screwed with his stuff, I didnt answer him, then he was like “wtf i am freaking the hell out” … then he sent question marks “?????” when i didnt answer him. He should know I don’t have his fb password, and even if I did, i wouldn’t invade his privacy like that, since in the end it would hurt me more then him… do you think he is just trying to initiate a conversation with me? Either way, of course i left him hanging… I didn’t answer him, because I knew if i did you would be very disappointed. 😉

    1. Thuy Duong

      March 26, 2014 at 5:18 pm

      I am Chris’s fan too.
      I have just started NC for 2 days but this site helps me so much. I feel better now because I can’t put him out in my mind and do what I like. Now I still love my ex bf much but I think I can’t stand if he will not come back after NC period.
      Thank you so much Chris. You help me continue to live well without him!

    2. admin

      March 4, 2014 at 6:47 pm

      🙂 so your the biggest fan.

      So nice to meet you.

      I think you hit it on the head. He is just trying to initiate a convo with you.

    3. Amber

      March 4, 2014 at 6:58 pm

      Not only do you give great advice but you sure are wicked cute. I don’t think you get enough credit running this site. Maybe I should let my Ex go and get with you 😉

      I got a question for you… how can someone play the nc rule on you, if you already know all about it? You are playing the game but ten times better… do you fall for it even though you know all about it?

    4. admin

      March 5, 2014 at 5:18 pm

      Thanks I guess.

      I am pretty sure if I really was falling for someone or had feelings for them the no contact rule would work on me even though I know it would be happening.

  3. Lauren

    March 4, 2014 at 6:35 am

    I’m on day 7 of no contact. My boyfriend and I dated for a year before I found out he cheated on me. Throughout the relationship I caught him in a couple of lies about text messages sent to girls and it started to wear on our relationship towards the end which he says led to his cheating. When I found out he cheated he admitted to cheating on me at the beginning of our relationship but only because he wasnt sure I was going to commit to him or not. Anyways, after I found out he cheated I was a wreck. Calling him, texting, emailing, the whole shibang. After we tried working things out I was just so miserable and angry that i wasnt allowing it work. I would leave his apt if he said the wrong thing, the fights were getting worse, and finally he said I wasnt allowing myself to be happy or allowing for things to work even though ‘he was doing everything he could’. He told me to stop contacting him…which I did. I did send him a text after that telling him I was way too good for him and that I didnt deserve what he had done to me.
    I think he looks at this all as ‘yes i cheated on her but i tried to make it work and she wasnt letting that happen.’ I know it was because i hadnt given anytime to myself to cool down, think, and forgive. I’m not sure if I want him to contact me but Im preparing myself for it. However, he seems to be moving on just fine. People keep telling me theyve ran into him at bars, leaving with girls, and just back to his old bachelor lifestyle. He’s 29 and had admittedly always talked about having a family and kids. So why is he doing this? Will he come crawling back?

    1. admin

      March 4, 2014 at 7:00 pm

      Let me ask you this….

      What is your reasoning for wanting him back?

    2. Lauren

      March 4, 2014 at 8:30 pm

      Because I know our potential and I know I can forgive him. However, I know I need this NC time to really take time and KNOW for sure if I believe hes right for me and that the thoughts of what he did wont destroy us.
      He’s deleted most, not all, of our pics together and told me basically he doesnt want me to talk to him anymore.
      I’m fine with going through this knowing we may never be together again but all I’m wondering is whats going through his mind and do you think he will reach out.

  4. Becca

    March 3, 2014 at 7:48 am

    I’m on day 2 of NC. I sent the whole classy end things on a good note text, he replied the next afternoon “very well written”, and I have not, nor do I plan on replying. Two questions:

    1- we live 1100 miles apart, and I’m 4 months pregnant with his child. Should I also ignore questions about the baby/pregnancy/how I’m feeling physically? I plan to ignore statements like “hope you and the baby are doing well” that he has sent me before (I’ve previously just replied with “thanks”), but what about flat out questions? Answer succinctly, then return to NC? He definitely wants to be involved in the baby’s life, and I don’t want to seem as though I’m preventing that, no matter if things don’t work out.

    2- he and I both have iPhones. I typically leave my read receipts on. He does not. So that means he can see I’ve read his messages and not replied. Is it ok to leave it this way, or should I turn them off?

    Thanks!

    1. admin

      March 3, 2014 at 6:39 pm

      1. You can answer questions only when you absolutely have to about the baby. Anything about how your feeling physically or the baby or the pregnancy that are general questions you should ignore during NC. Keep in mind though, if something about the pregnancy comes up that is important he does have a right to know.

      2. Turn them off.

    2. Becca

      March 3, 2014 at 8:03 pm

      Got it, thanks!

  5. Sage

    March 2, 2014 at 8:29 am

    Firstly, I brought your e-book last night and read it back to front and I HATE reading. You did good 😉

    Now, my story. I am on day 1 of NC. I am feeling pretty awesome about it actually because other then this blowup now, we have not had any in the 8 months we have known each other and the 3 weeks we had been dating …

    He is Mr Angry man right now and I am Ms Angry woman. We said things to each other we shouldn’t have. I think it was a mis-communication on both parts but I am getting the blame and he is the one who has put the break on. I’ll admit I reacted badly and I flooded his Facebook, sms and called a LOT! The night before this he explained to me he cannot always reply straight away. I told him I understood. But I had a gut feeling something was wrong and when I saw he had seen my messages with no response, I totally lost it.

    I had told him early on in the piece I HATE being ignored, it drives me nuts. We live about an hour apart from one another so we reply on phone calls and sms and Facebook messages a lot. As we all know you cannot see how someone feels unless in person, or hear their voice unless you’re on the phone. I told him if he gave me a quick message about what was happening I would be fine, but he didn’t.

    So, I reacted badly, sue me … I apologised a lot, but there is only so much apologising one can do and I am done with apologising for a simple mistake!

    He is a busy guy, his father just had a heart transplant so his work has lagged and he is getting pressure from that. We had said from the get go we would take it slow and he asked me to give him time. I said sure, I was cool with that because I thought and still think he is worth the time to persue.

    The message he sent yesterday was this: “At the moment I have way to much on my plate. I cannot be with anyone at the moment … That’s something you need to understand. I have a million things on my mind that I need to do, that is all I can offer right now …”

    I said I understood and that I will wait for him. I meant it, however long it takes.

    The last message i received was this: ‘You’ll hear from me soon …” I have left it at that.

    He didn’t say he wanted to be friends only so I have hope. I think the NC rule is perfect, whats your opinion and be brutally honest here 🙂 I am a big girl, I can take it …

  6. Marie

    March 1, 2014 at 12:39 am

    Hi Chris,
    So here’s the deal. My bf broke up with me few days ago- about ten days after our 1st year anniversary. After inital begging (few messages first day) I started nc. Its been the third day so far. We see each other almost every day in work but the communication is strictly about work.
    I have followed your advises and made some changes and I am my usual happy self in work. Nobody in work even noticed that we broke up. I am keeping my emotions inside and its really tough. Today after I left work my ex texted me he will bring my belongings to work tomorrow. I didn’t reply. An hour later he said: Yes, no? I waited and then texted back: oh yes. Obviously lol. I am sorry I am busy and I didn’t see your message. He texted back saying: well now you can delete my number as we are not going to speak any time soon. I ignored that. An hour later another message saying Just shows you don’t take long to move on lol, just shows who you really are. I ignored that as well.

    But I am so scared that he will think I stopped loving him and caring about him although I have told him my feelings so many times before and even straight after he dumped me.

    So was it a bad decisions to text him back about my stuff? And did I appear more relaxed and confident and happy than I should have? Do you think he will still be wondering about what I am doing and he will miss me or is he going to move on because I “moved on”? I know for fact he loves me and break up is hurting him (although it was his decision). Any ideas whats his mindset atm?

    1. admin

      March 2, 2014 at 7:11 pm

      No it wasn’t a bad decision.

      I think you handled it perfectly.

    2. Marie

      March 4, 2014 at 11:47 pm

      Hey,
      Thank you for your answer. Just want to thank you for this website and want to tell everyone who is as miserable as I was just few days ago- Follow everything what’s written here word by word because it really works! My bf has texted me a bunch of messages, started to apologise, started to realise what he’s been doing wrong-even realised how stupid decision breaking up was. I would never believe he will openly admit not just to me but to everyone around that he has done a lot of mistakes. I thought that he was so stubborn that he will rather be without me forever than apologise and change his mind. But hey, here I am-happier and stronger than ever before just thanks to this website. And if I will take him back (yes the decision is now mine, not his!), I know (and he knows as well) I won’t let him treat me bad ever again!. So seriously be strong and value and respect yourself at the first place!
      Thank you Chris. You are an angel.

  7. Karla

    February 28, 2014 at 1:52 pm

    Hi, I have been reading all of your guides since me and my ex broke up 3 months ago. I properly started my NC a week ago and it’s going well. He message me on Facebook about one of my friends yesterday but I read it and completely ignored him. I’m a bit hurt though because my NC end the week before what would have been our 1 year anniversary. That date meant A LOT to us! The thing is he told me before I started the NC rule that he wanted to know how I was every now and again and I stupidly told him that he would have to call me and ask to meet up if he wanted to know how I was because I wasn’t prepared to have anymore phone conversations with him. This is my dilemma… What if he asks to meet up with me before the 30 days are up? If I ignore him he may think I no longer care and am not interested in meeting up with him. However, if I reply it will be breaking the no contact rule… What do you suggest I do?

  8. Michelle

    February 28, 2014 at 1:54 am

    10 days into no contact and he sent me so many texts today. One of them said to listen to his favorite song and the lyrics to that song actually go something like, “well I need you now… I’m a selfish broken heart”. Im not sure if he’s recommending this song to me because it’s how he’s feeling and wants to hint at that or if he just wanted to start a conversation. He even texted me when he was home from work. An hour after that, he wrote, Really not even a hi? If you want me to just not bother talking to you just say so. Don’t leave me hanging like this. And just now he sent ok you win I’ll leave you alone. Goodbye.
    My problem is, he’s stubborn and hotheaded. He already sent me a message saying he’ll remove my number and leave etc, that forced me to talk to him. I’m scared this time he’ll actually mean it because he is aware that i’m ignoring him. And he just said goodbye.
    Am I losing him or is he trying to punish me? He seems to be emotionally invested in me, why would he just say goodbye?

    1. admin

      February 28, 2014 at 10:54 pm

      Have you read my latest guide? Or my last few latest guides. You seriously should.

    2. Michelle

      March 2, 2014 at 2:07 am

      I have. And you’re right about everything.
      Today he texted me first thing in the morning about how he misses me and wanted me to talk to him because he’s worried about me. He even used the nickname he used to call me. I didn’t reply and I’m not going to for a while but should I cut NC down to 21 days? Or should I stick with 30 days? Last time I spoke to him on the phone he said he doesn’t know if he loves me anymore. I’m his best friend and only friend though. Basically the only person who he was able to trust so much. He used to tell me this all the time. So maybe right now he’s just missing his best friend but not the relationship? It really confuses me.
      Actually, while typing this he texted me again.

  9. lily

    February 26, 2014 at 8:35 pm

    chris im in 3 days of NC, he send me msg saying ‘so now you dont want to talk to me?” what should i do? REALLY NEED HELP. btw im afraid he will be angry. im trying to find the same situation in your previous comment tho..

    1. admin

      February 27, 2014 at 7:39 pm

      Ok, LISTEN TO ME!

      I want you to read this guide:

      WORD FOR WORD. It will help your fears on him being “angry”

      WORD FOR WORD. If you skip a single syllable I (ME) will be “angry” with you.

      https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/how-to-get-your-ex-boyfriend-back-version-2-0/

  10. Juliana

    February 25, 2014 at 4:41 am

    Hi Chris! I need your help as well! Long story short… I dated this guy .. our mutual friends hooked us up (married couple: the husband is his best friend, wife is my best friend) anyway within 2 weeks of talking to each other we became official.. he made it official. At this time it was long distance because he was playing hockey in Sweden. But, he quit hockey (and was feeling a lot of pressure from every angle in his life and was upset of course about ending his hockey career) and when he came home I met his parents, basically his entire family (brothers, sisters in laws, niece and all of his cousins). Then suddenly one day he calls me and tells me that he wants to take things slow and start from the beginning and remove the titles of bf and gf. After the phone call I didnt contact him but he did asking me out on a date 2 days later.. but had to cancel because the weather was bad. He then goes to florida on vacation and texts me twice, the second time asking me out again. Eventually we went on a date. I didnt know how to react so I kept my and arms and legs crossed but I noticed he tried to either have his leg touch mine or his arm touch mine. After the date, he wished me happy birthday (it was my birthday 2 days before our date) but he never texted me again asking me to go out on another date.. So I have been texting him at least once a week (which is bad). But sometimes he will say things like “about to go to bed. Message me tomorrow. have a good night and l like an idiot would message him the next day. I have recently started the NC rule on every account.. facebook, instagram and text messages( its been 6 days so far). I have read many of your blogs and giving it a go. I am hoping to get him back.. we didnt end on bad terms and really.. we have so many good things in common.. he’s perfect for me.. and he has even said that i am perfect for him too. So.. If I stop talking to him and not liking any of his photos on instagram, etc.. will he even notice that? I am hoping because he was used to me texting him every week.. he will start to wonder what happened.. ? Thoughts??

    1. admin

      February 25, 2014 at 6:49 pm

      Hopefully that happens. Just be patient right now.

    2. Juliana

      February 26, 2014 at 3:06 am

      Do you think it’s possible that he is still somewhat interested in me? I am apparently the only girl out of many that has had such an affect on him.. even his mom said that to me

    3. admin

      February 27, 2014 at 7:23 pm

      Ya I think it is possible.

  11. cate

    February 24, 2014 at 7:10 am

    Me ex and I have been split for 7 months. He left after 4 years of dating( we are both 55) I never contacted him however he contacted me about every 10 days, via text, then calls. NOW….. he is showing up at my workplace parking lot and driving by my car( several times) and driving by my house( my neighbors told me) HE LEFT ME and now he is stalking me. I even think he is dating someone casually. I know our split was very difficult for him and he didn’t want to be alone.. If he left why is he stalking me???? He’s acting like the victim here. I have asked him to come home after he gets help for his “needing to leave” problem( he leaves and always returns 3x in 3 years). but he refuses
    If he left… why is he stalking me??? Does this mean he still loves me or does he just want to be in control????? Please advise
    Cate

  12. cate

    February 24, 2014 at 7:04 am

    Me ex and I have been split for 7 months. He left after 4 years of dating. I never contacted him however he contacted me about every 10 days, via text, then calls. NOW….. he is showing up at my workplace and driving by my house. he left and now he is stalking me. I even think he is dating someone casually. I know our split was very difficult for him and he didn’t want to be alone.. If he left why is he stalking me????

    1. admin

      February 24, 2014 at 6:50 pm

      That is kind of creepy I am not going to lie.

      Probably b/c a part of him misses you.

  13. Clary

    February 23, 2014 at 2:13 pm

    Hey chris,

    You mentioned that it is possible to get a angry guy back but it will need a lot of patience. Does it mean that the no contact duration will be longer than 30 days? How can i get a angry guy back please help!

    1. admin

      February 24, 2014 at 6:02 pm

      It may have to be a little bit longer but more of the challenge lies in how you approach him after the NC rule.

  14. Kara

    February 22, 2014 at 11:34 am

    Hi Chris..I love the way you write. It’s bought a smile on my face for the first time in 2 weeks!
    I really need your help though… I was with my boyfriend in a long distance for 4 years…he is very fickle and we have constantly been on/off
    the aftertaste effect you mentioned was a somewhat negative one. Often I have pleaded for him to come back (which he uses against me) and also I was a jealous type.
    But I used to visit his country twice a year for 5 months all together..I have also done a lot, sacrificed a lot and gave a lot.
    I am hoping he remembers the good over the bad.

    I am just wondering if the NC will work over Long distance?
    I think he may be the angry guy..

    1. admin

      February 22, 2014 at 6:50 pm

      Yes it can!!

      Depending on how strong the connection is.

    2. Kara

      February 23, 2014 at 5:52 am

      He told our common friend that there were a lot of core issues that were not right between us and he is very adamant that he is not going to change his mind this time.

      I am very very scared… will the NC work? Is it just something he is saying at this point in time?
      (ps: he is going through a stressful period himself wherein he is quitting his job and figuring out what he wants to do in life)

  15. Jessi

    February 21, 2014 at 2:51 am

    we have been dating for over a year. He always contacts me when I leave.
    Our last fight was after great emotional time of celebrating new years eve n the days afterwards, then at a certain point of the night we had a fight, I wanted to leave, n he just let me.
    Then we didnt contact each other for 2 weeks, then I removed him from fb, 10 minutes later he messaged me a negative message n I respond likewise after 3 hours, that was Jan 17th, 34 days we didnt contact each other. Today he updated his fb status that “when the wrong people leave your life, good things start to happen.” n he has been posting several pictures of him running n with friends.
    Sounds like he is using the no contact rule, what should I do?

    1. Ellie

      February 28, 2014 at 1:40 pm

      My ex made comments like that too on twitter. He is just hurting and in the process is trying to hurt you. He is probably expecting you to react to his Facebook update all hurt and wondering why but you need to just ignore him and not let him see that you are bothered by it. That way he will wonder why you haven’t responded and will begin to feel anxious. This usually makes them want you more! Just don’t contact him… play it out and see what happens.

  16. Lain

    February 20, 2014 at 11:25 pm

    I believe I’m experiencing the “angry guy”. I was the jealous type, and I didn’t have a whole lot of trust. He finally broke up with me after we kept butting heads, and post no contact kept saying “stop thinking there’s a chance, there’s no chance”. It’s been 2 days of NC, and the break up happened about 2 weeks ago. I guess I’m looking for a sign to continue. I know we can work together and I’m confident on my own behalf at becoming a better person. I’m just very unsure about how to proceed. He’s even blocked me from Facebook. How can he see change happen if he shuts me out? Please please help. I’m willing to try anything.

    1. admin

      February 21, 2014 at 6:17 pm

      Has he blocked you from anywhere else?

    2. Lain

      February 21, 2014 at 6:41 pm

      The only other thing he can do is text. He doesn’t have twitter or Instagram , anything like that

    3. Lain

      February 21, 2014 at 8:45 pm

      Everything seems so hopeless. I am working really hard on my personal flaws, researching, studying, all of that. And at the same time reading your amazing blog everyday! This has been the MOST helpful of anything I’ve read out there. And it’s so awesome that you take the time to respond to all of these people. I need a pocket Chris! From what people have told me, my ex has been pretty happy go lucky on Facebook, which I believe is an act, as you would put it. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less. I’m not even sure if you could determine this , but does getting back together seem likely according to his actions and words?

    4. Lain

      February 20, 2014 at 11:34 pm

      I have started a journal, to write in every day of NC. Just to let it all out without bothering him. I’ve even made an appointment to see a psychic. I feel absolutely pathetic, like he’s pushing forward with his life and I’m sitting around crying. I’ve tried to keep busy with friends , but the minute I get alone time it all hits hard and heavy.

    5. justagirl

      February 21, 2014 at 10:54 pm

      Omg I am so in the same boat as you. This is the second time my ex and I have split. Each time we have issues we need to fix last time it was him, this time its me. I did no contact for three months last time before we spoke. He missed me just as much as I missed him. This time he broke up with me and moved out. Its so hard to stay positive sometimes. Especially when you love and miss them. Nostalgia is the worst lol. But unless the person is a total narcissist I’m sure he feels the same as you. One piece of advice I have take one day at a time and each day that passes that he doesn’t hear from you he will
      wonder why. Also I recommend reading the book the secret by Rhonda Bryne. It helps me! Stay strong and hang in there. He will call I can almost promise…lol

    6. Lain

      February 20, 2014 at 11:48 pm

      I may have also said things that I didn’t mean before starting the NC period. Like “when you realize you’re wrong it’ll be too late”. He said he doubted he’d be coming back , and it was too late for any realizations. I interpret that as anger, but I could be wrong. Any advice would be great. I can use all the help I can get. If you couldn’t tell.

  17. Chrissy

    February 20, 2014 at 10:06 pm

    Hi Chris. My name is Chrissy and I just recently split from my bf because he’s messed up emotionally and mentally due to a break up that happened four months before we met (they were due to get married and he hates her and now has commitment issues). I had no idea about this relationship and he says he didn’t tell me because he was scared I would freak out and leave. He is now going to get counselling to try and sort out the issues in his head and he cries and tells me how sorry he is for what he’s done. Now this I where I get confused – he can’t commit and so we’re broken up, but he wants to keep in contact with me so he can tell me about his progress. Huh? I don’t contact him, he always contacts me – I’m having trouble trying to figure out what guy he is on your list?? Any advice would be helpful. Thanks 🙂

    1. admin

      February 21, 2014 at 6:12 pm

      He seems like he is using you as a crutch to hold himself up emotionally (without commiting.)

    2. Chrissy

      February 22, 2014 at 6:59 am

      So should I just cut him off completely? Sounds like I’m being used 🙁

    3. admin

      February 22, 2014 at 6:48 pm

      I think you should at this point.

  18. Jessica

    February 19, 2014 at 2:46 pm

    So after you make it through the 30 days, then what?

    1. admin

      February 19, 2014 at 7:29 pm

      You send a text message… Have you read any of the other guides on this site?

    2. Jessica

      February 19, 2014 at 9:57 pm

      No not yet

  19. Jas

    February 19, 2014 at 1:35 am

    I’ve finished NC last night & am ready to move on to the next phase which is “texting my ex back”. I’m a little nervous because we ran into each other last Wednesday at a concert & there were butterflies. We had a great convo and he drove me home, saying he loved me before I left. Since we seen each other a week before NC ended should I start NC over? Start texting? Or wait a week?

    1. admin

      February 19, 2014 at 7:24 pm

      No just start texting I think.

  20. Steph N

    February 18, 2014 at 11:46 am

    I was looking through my ex’s pics on Instagram and I accidentally “liked” one of his pics. I immediately “unliked” but I know he”ll still get the notification sent to his phone. Should I start my 30 days NC over again. It’s been 5 days so far.

    1. admin

      February 18, 2014 at 7:24 pm

      Na its an honest mistake you are fine.

    2. Steph N

      February 18, 2014 at 12:01 pm

      Also the pic was a very old pic he posted over a year ago. That’s what makes it worst because I had to scroll through a lot of his pics to get to that one.

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