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4,271 thoughts on “The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule”

  1. Shirl

    March 30, 2014 at 12:56 pm

    Well , i have a “frantic” and “clueless” guy. We have been together off and on for a long time. We reunited in November ad the past months were fineu up until mid February when I discovered he was making plans with another one to go on vacation. Seems like it’s been going on since September. I never confronted him about it only hinting at things I saw in the email. I things are starting to change. We normally talk every morningbut for the past few days no more morning calls. Something just snapped in me and I went NC on 3/28. He has been calling like crazy (12X) in the last two days. The last msg left yesterday was that he is assuming that I must be out of town. This is really hard but the longer I have NC the more I feel I can’t talk to him now. I feel betrayed and lied to but I learned not to approach him in an emotional state so I just let him think we were fine at which time I switched gears and went ino NC. Thanks for your site. I was wondering if he missed me and from what you say, he does but I wonder for how long such I stay NC

  2. R

    March 29, 2014 at 4:04 pm

    Hi. Two days ago out of the blue my bofriend of 6 months dumped me. We’re in a long distance relationship so things are a little more complicated. He cited the distance and that he didn’t want a serious relationship as his reasons for ending it, I suspect that it’s the lack of sex that is behind it. I was due to be spending the week in Venice with him in two weeks so his timing was less than perfect. We were also due to spend 6 weeks in the summer together with a view to me moving out there. Ironically I’ve just been offered a job there but I won’t be proclaiming this to the world for a few weeks as I don’t want him to think it is a blackmail tactic, it’s just strange timing. This man chased me non stop for a year and a half and I met him in Bulgaria where my family live and where he is originally from so he’s not some holiday romance. Because of the distance I’m not sure how useful the NC contact rule is going to be or does it not make a difference? Also when we broke up the texts became rather nasty from me as I was furious that he’s left it 6 weeks to tell me this decision. However when he sent me his last text I didn’t reply, he was wishing me goodnight for “one last time” which really pissed me off. Am I wasting my time with this one?

    1. admin

      March 30, 2014 at 8:58 pm

      How old were the two of you?

  3. Nat

    March 28, 2014 at 12:01 pm

    Hey.
    Me and my ex were together for 9months the last two weeks i have saw him three times i know hes busy at work etc, the last day i saw him was on the tuesday and he finished me early friday morning not answering any of my texts asking why? Cause i thought everything was going smooth to be honest it was!

    Now im currently starting the nc advice?

  4. Anna

    March 27, 2014 at 3:29 pm

    I broke up with my ex about 6 weeks ago. Two days later I let him know I didn’t want to but he didn’t respond. A few days after I simply apologized for making a decision in the midst of an emotionally charged time. Still no response. I heard it through the grapevine that he was already seeing someone else. This was less than a week later. I immediately implemented no contact. Nearing the end of this nc period I learned of some unfortunate events that impacted him directly and because I was only days away from the 30 day mark, I texted him. I said simply that I had heard the news and hoped he was ok. He responded neutrally, said he was ok but things were getting nasty and thanked me for asking. I haven’t responded because I have no idea if I even should or what to say. Any thoughts??? Help!!

  5. Kathy

    March 27, 2014 at 1:38 pm

    I last saw my ex on 3/5/14. He has barely said 10 words to me over that time. I was a text terrorist with him up until last Saturday…today is day 6 of no contat. He had not repsonded to any of my message prior to NC…well, except 1…I begged him to say something to me…anything to me and he said, and I quote, “FUCK!!!!” “I am going crazy.” I asked if there was anything I could do to help or if he wanted to talk and he said, “NOO” and he wouldn’t respond to me any further after that and that was Thursday before NC on Saturday began…he has a LOT of personal issues going on right now but I don’t know why he won’t talk to me. I have no clue what is going on with him and he never said we were over but I just assumed…trust me, I did ask him. He does love me…he told me a few times. IDK…I love him and I want him back but he is driving me crazy…please give me your thoughts on this I could really use it.
    Kathy

    1. admin

      March 28, 2014 at 12:07 am

      Just give him his space… the more you force him to talk the less likely he will to talk or the more likely he will to get angry and start a fight.

    2. Kathy

      March 28, 2014 at 12:19 am

      That’s it? That is your advice? I know that already and that is what I am doing…I figured you could offer a little better insight than what I already had. But thank you anyway Chris. He is never going to talk to me…whether or not he knew it, NC started for him on the 6th of March but just started for me 6 days ago. He is well into 3 weeks of NC with me…but so far, he does not seem to be sending me any “I miss you” texts. I guess I just have to face reality that I have lost the love of my life and my soulmate…

    3. admin

      March 28, 2014 at 4:36 pm

      Take a deep breath. I wish I had more time to tell you more indepth stuff. I know the situation can be very frustrating and it seems like you are alone but you are not. I created this site for that very reason. Right now you still have some time to go on NC. So, finish it out.

  6. Anna

    March 27, 2014 at 7:21 am

    Hey Chris,

    I was very clingy towards my ex in the past month. Before that, things were going great and he almost wanted to give things another shot. We even had sex. But then I ruined it all by texting him almost daily, being emotional and picking stupid fights and he said he needed space to get ready to talk to me.

    Do you think all hope is lost? How much time should I give him? I haven’t talked to him for five days and I plan on making it to thirty, but his birthday is in a bit over a week, so I don’t know if I should say happy birthday or not.

    Thank you so much for this website, by the way! It helps me cope.

    1. admin

      March 28, 2014 at 12:04 am

      I don’t think its lost but I think you need to become a little less available.

  7. Cecille

    March 27, 2014 at 6:49 am

    Hi Chris. A lot of info you got there. Question.. Me & my ex have been together for almost 4 years- got engaged etc. He broke up with me last thanksgiving and started dating his ex-gf..days after we broke up.I emailed him numerous times..and then finally, I told him him that I am going to leave him and her alone. 8 days after I initiated the NC rule…he emailed me saying not to contact him again and that he’s happy.I wanted to reply back but I didn’t. That was last January 28 when I initiated the NC rule.. Now I found out from sources that his gf is unhappy, that he lives with his gf’s mom and last Valentines Day…he spent it alone with a bottle of gin. He still hasn’t contacted me after the last message he sent… So what’s my next step? What should I do? Do I still have a chance? Thanks for your time.
    C

    1. admin

      March 28, 2014 at 12:03 am

      What makes you want him back? From everything you described he seems kind of like a loser.

    2. Cecille

      March 28, 2014 at 6:43 am

      Is it possible for us to get back together tho? What should I do?

  8. Rebecca

    March 25, 2014 at 11:47 pm

    Is it possible that no contact and ignoring him will actually push him towards another girl? I promise I’m the furthest thing from conceited, but in some ways I feel like I’m the ungettable girl who doesn’t actually realize what she is, so I effectively lower my own value by acting insecure. Everyone (my ex included) is always telling me how beautiful I am and they can’t believe that I don’t see myself that way. I’m working on my PhD in civil engineering at 24 years old, and my ex always used to say that he couldn’t believe a girl like me even existed – that I’m “cool as f*ck” and I’m “winning in both beauty and brains”, but I drove him away by being needy and insecure and constantly needing reassurance. He’s working in Iraq right now which was the entire problem – he only gets one 30 day leave every 5 months, and the distance created insecurities that I didn’t have when he was here with me, and trying to satisfy my emotional needs from 9000 miles away was just exhausting and he couldn’t handle it anymore.

    I made the mistake of begging for him at first, and then pulled myself together after a few days and stopped trying to reach out. We’ve snapchatted a couple times since the break up – predominantly because I wanted to lighten our mood and remind him of how happy I made him before entering NC on a positive note, which is where I’m at now. (We both initiated contact once and it wasn’t anything sexual obviously). He sent me a snap on Sunday too (not expecting me to ever go into NC), but I ignored it, and the last time I responded to him was 11 days ago (we broke up March 1st). I can tell that he still cares more than he’s trying to let on and I feel like he still wants me despite saying he just wants to be friends, but only on his terms and he feels secure that can have me whenever he wants. He keeps talking to other girls though, and I’m worried that ignoring him will piss him off and make him decide to move on permanently since he can get attention elsewhere. I’m hoping my fears are unfounded though?? haha 🙂

    Thank you so much for all of your posts and advice!! You’ve been so insightful and it’s incredibly helpful and empowering 🙂

    1. admin

      March 26, 2014 at 5:14 pm

      It is possible I am not going to lie.

      Was there any plan when you were together to move in together or be closer to one another?

    2. Rebecca

      March 26, 2014 at 6:18 pm

      Thanks so much for responding 🙂 He’s not planning to do this job for more than another year and a half to two years in order to meet some financial goals before ultimately moving to the same city as me (he would move here regardless).

      The girls he’s talking to don’t live here and they’re not in Iraq either obviously – he literally JUST met them when we broke up (via facebook), so logistically I don’t see them being legit prospects for him since he’s pretty realistic. Plus he was always apprehensive of any kind of long distance relationship, but he didn’t want to lose me so he tried to give me what he could. I just hate feeling like he’s filling that void with other girls and replacing me so to speak. I know that it’s solely for attention and his ego, but it still hurts.

      Should I finish NC and then continue as planned, or would you suggest anything different? I was going to message him on his birthday (April 9th) which would be about 24 days without contact, and I know he didn’t want to break contact with me. I do think he misses me in his own way, but I just pushed too much before and needed more than he could give from that far away. He used to say how he saw me being his future wife, and when he’s here, we’re perfect together and so happy. The distance makes everything so hard though… He hasn’t ruled out getting back together, but he’s tempering my expectations by treating me like a friend and I don’t want to be his safety net.

  9. Tracey

    March 25, 2014 at 5:49 pm

    Hi Chris,
    Thank you for your wonderfully enlightening sneak-peak into the male psyche. My dilemma is this…Im on day 26 of no contact, my ex tried to call me on day 3 and 6 and then sent sarcastic messages on day 15 because I (in passing) invited a friend of his to join my friends and I for a drink on that day. I did respond after a few messages explaining that it was done in innocence which he then responded that he does not care, however I have not heard from him again since. It somehow makes it easier when he tries to contact because it lets me know he still cares. I also check his whatsapp online times and it drives me crazy when I see him online early in the morning and late at night because that is when he used to say good morning and night to me. Pls help, Im feeling so sad, lonely and miserable because I fear he has replaced me. 🙁 p.s. we were together for 9 months and broke up because we fight too much.

    1. admin

      March 26, 2014 at 5:07 pm

      I think actually you are doing well… Just stick to the plan.

    2. Tracey

      March 29, 2014 at 7:56 am

      So yesterday was day 30 and only now am I starting to feel human again and strong enough to take better care of myself. Ive been wallowing in my own heartache and misery for 30 days straight, getting no exercise, eating unhealthily, obsessing about him constantly and always thinking the worst that he has moved on, forgotten about me and found someone else. It has been the hardest time of my life and I thought the pain would never go away and there were so many times I wanted to just give in because surely the pain if letting go is greater than the pain of holding on but I stuck it out – yay me!! All I can say is that I still miss him terribly and think about him constantly but it does get easier with time. I haven’t heard from my ex in 2 weeks and Im not sure if I will but I can tell you that I wont be contacting him 1st (so it might be a standoff for eternity lol )but I have made a promise to myself that from today I will start exercising, eating healthier and enjoy my life, with or without him. And most importantly have faith that what is meant to be will be.

    3. Tracey

      April 1, 2014 at 10:28 am

      So on day 33 my ex tried contacting me a few times, eventually I answered his call and he sounded like a broken man and confessed how much has has missed me and can’t get me out of his mind and that this past month has been incredibly difficult for him. As much as it broke my heart to hear him sounding so desperate, I stood my ground and told him I would let him know when I am ready to meet up with him (even although it took every ounce of restraint for me to say no to that day). He respected my decision and said he would wait to hear from me and wouldnt pester me and that he is so relieved that I am speaking to him again. Watch this space…:) Thank you Chris!!!!!

  10. Vanessa

    March 25, 2014 at 3:36 pm

    Here’s a mind boggler for you… Ex broke it off after 3 years because he had to move and I couldn’t go with him. He however decided he didn’t want us to stop talking. (No hookups, no talk of reconciliation, just because I’m “awesome and don’t deserve to be ignored.”) This casual texting went on for 3 months until I got mad about it. Just wasn’t fair. So… it’s been 30 days NC today. I feel miserable. So much reminds me of him and I know he would respond if I reached out but I have not. I’m actually shocked he hasn’t because he has been so clueless thus far. So. Go another 30? Will he call? Should I?

  11. J

    March 24, 2014 at 8:30 am

    The situation was he might have found me a bit needy before the breakup, since he decided to reduce/stop contacting me, until I couldn’t bare it and asked him about it, so I wasn’t sure whether I could call it a mutual breakup at the end. Then we’ve been on a month and a bit of NC, but I decided to reach out using the excuse of wanting my dress back from his. I tried to keep the message friendly, and he replied, but I didn’t even get to the point of wanting my dress back, as he didnt reply the msg after. So I didn’t want to push it by asking again, since I was waiting for him to reply. So, I’m not sure what to do now. He’s a very slow and self centred type of guy, so will NC continue to work? Or what should I do?

  12. Margaret Hale

    March 23, 2014 at 10:19 pm

    Hi, Chris

    Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of the help you freely give us females and for always having our backs. 26 days ago an “Angry Guy”/”Stubborn Guy” wrote me out of his life. Because I truly do know his stubborn/angry nature, I hold no delusions that he will ever contact me again. I like to think that the 19 months we shared did make him happy and that he thinks about me. But your advice above: “Really take a good hard look at your previous relationship and ask yourself a simple question: “do I want to do this again?” opened my eyes. My response is no, I don’t. So thank you again, Chris. Sending you a cyber hug.

    1. admin

      March 24, 2014 at 5:52 pm

      Cyber hug received and returned 😉 .

    2. CountryFried

      June 24, 2014 at 2:35 pm

      I’m JEALOUS! LOL

      I’m gonna ignore you for 45 days!

    3. admin

      June 24, 2014 at 6:29 pm

      Okay…

  13. ellie

    March 23, 2014 at 7:31 am

    After 15 years, I discovered my current ex was on sex/dating sites. I was about to tell him and he laughed it off. Long story short, after his text, I never replied. I have not contacted him in over 50 days, prior to this “NC”, we were in touch daily, Intimate, I have my own room at his place,(where I lived for 10 years), we have two cats, We have to sons, I am raising. I am unsure I am making right choice. He has not contacted me, missed my baptism, our sons graduation, birthday and it is like we don’t exist. He always had me take care our of our boys, he and I made our relationship work. It will be 58 days tommarow. Any advice will help!

    1. admin

      March 23, 2014 at 5:05 pm

      You can contact him… it’s been past the NC period.

      Also, hes kind of lame for missing your sons graduation.

  14. Laura

    March 22, 2014 at 7:32 pm

    Its been two weeks.. I have no hopes in him coming back </3 hes the angry guy.. And already searching for the right one, i messed up and now things will never be the same

    1. admin

      March 23, 2014 at 4:45 pm

      Why do you say that? It’s only been two weeks. You didn’t think you were going to get him back in two weeks did you?

  15. Molly

    March 18, 2014 at 8:46 am

    I think I’m dealing with a cross between stubborn and clueless. He is terrible with responding to txts. We had what I considered a bad date a week ago and I tried to contact him to talk about it…He didn’t respond. A day later.. He called and txt me wanting to see me and acted like there had never been an awkward night. During the time before he contacted me again. ..I felt like I had seriously hurt his feelings and couldn’t understand why. I felt awful. A few days later, he told me that he had just actually heard a voice mail I left him while I thought he was ignoring me. He seemed to have no clue that anything had been wrong at all. And during that whole quiet time I thought he was ending things and just ignoring me. I let him know that it bothered me that he hadn’t even listened to the voice mail til 2 days later. . He showed up at my work immediately. Calling me sweetie. .. and wanting to talk. .I couldn’t cause I was working (I’m a bartender).. He blew me a kiss and left. I sent him a txt later saying thank you for coming by. That it meant a lot. It’s been almost 2 days and he hasn’t responded. I am so confused! Is this a game? Or is this really that he just doesn’t get it?. So technically, he has begun the no contact (whether on purpose or not) and I’m wondering if me just not sending anything else (no contact) would even be noticed? .. I’m lost on this one. Any thoughts/advice would be aporeciated. Thank you.

  16. Maggie

    March 17, 2014 at 9:14 pm

    Hey Chris!
    So it’s been day 9 of NC and to my surprise my ex boyfriend has contacted two of my friends asking about me! But he still is defensive when it comes to the breakup and doesn’t seem like he wants to get back with me. Is he putting up a front? Or do you think he is just trying to justify himself to my friends?

    Can’t believe that NC is actually working, this is awesome! 🙂

    1. admin

      March 20, 2014 at 6:42 pm

      Hahaha glad it is working for you.

  17. Au'brii

    March 17, 2014 at 2:30 am

    Hello Chris, I hope you’re doing well.
    Here goes my dilemma, hope you respond:
    I had been dating my ex for a year, and we had an argument about seemingly nothing, but it brought up all these things he had been feeling about me for some time (I didn’t appreciate him, I took him for granted), and the next day he broke up with me. At first, I tried to convince him to “undo” it, then I desperately said “Let’s be friends”, and he agreed. The day after that, I realized that I didn’t want that at all. So I did the hardest thing: texted him telling him I can’t be his friend after being in an relationship with him after a year. He somewhat seemed shocked, but accepted it. I also strongly implied that he not contact me/ give us space. I have just completed week one of “Active No Contact”, where I am still working on a better me, because I realize I was no angel in our previous relationship at all. I never cheated, or abused him but I did take him for granted at times/ not show appreciation when i should’ve. I guess I just got used to everything and very comfortable. I turned from this confident go- getter to a dependent, needy, nagging girl. Even my mom could see it.

    I am just wondering if he even cares? What I mean by that is he seems fine. When we see each other, he doesn’t ignore me, he says hi and asks how I’m doing. Is he doing that to be polite? I’m never rude to him when he does, but I always “keep it moving” ( don’t engage in conversation). I have read many other pages on your site, but is there any personal advice for me? I just am a bit worried he’s fine and not really caring past not wanting to look like a “bad guy”, which he never was. Do you think I have a shot?

    On a side note, this website is great. Me and a lot of other girls are very grateful. I personally like to get guy advice, from a guy, and I don’t like for it to be sugar coated. Thank you!:)

  18. Ally

    March 17, 2014 at 12:27 am

    No contact day 22. Friends with benefits situation that got to close, he told me he loved me, then pulled away when i fell inlove with him, its been 4 months since we were really close but he contacts every 2 weeks , but i always responded to his messages because i didnt want to be a bxxtch, he has put the distance between us. Hes newly seperated aswell.
    He told me he was seeing someone else.I said okay and left it, he then has still been msging every 2 weeks, and last time i didnt respond as i am in no contact, he called me an arsehole for not being his friend and that he misses seeing me etc and that the girl he is seeing he isnt serious with, i ignored. I think i need at least 2 months of no contact with this guy to see how he really feels. If he doesnt make a genuine effort im moving on in the process!

  19. Hannah

    March 14, 2014 at 6:37 pm

    Hi Chris!
    I love your site and advice. I’m sure many girls like myself have learned a thing or two.
    Here’s my problem: my ex and I have been on and off for a long time. Recently he has had some major life issues and because he was ignoring me, I went off and spent three or so days emailing and texting him and kind of went crazy… 🙁 I don’t know what came over me.
    Today he said he was so mad that I did that, I should have given him his space, etc. He asked me not to contact him anymore. I realize I made some mistakes, and I have no intention of texting him anymore, but do you think NC will work to make him cool off for a bit? 🙁

  20. Shannon

    March 13, 2014 at 4:03 pm

    Hello Chris! I read your blog and I find it wonderfully enlightening. I am interested in reading your ebook.

    I have a dilemma. My ex broke it off with me a few days ago after seeing each other for a year. We were planning to move together and he’s also talked about marriage. We used to talk everyday for hours until the break up, although he works alot of hours.

    Long story short, he insisted that the reason why he broke up me in a long email. For the most part, i assumed he was very happy with me, but many of the reasons he pointed out were petty and some of the things he said wasn’t true about me. After exchanging several emails, we talked on the phone about it. He suggested we be friends, he sounded miserable and sad I had noticed. I told him that wasn’t a good idea and ended the conversation and then sent him a long polite email clarifying some of what we discussed and told him to take care. Tried going NC but wound up calling him that same day and he never answered or returned my call. There has been no contact since then and its been three days, except he is still on my FB. Did I screw up? Its been really rough, but I am hangin’ in there though.

    Thanks!

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