The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule- What Is He Thinking?

4,271 thoughts on “The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule”

A L N

March 12, 2014 at 7:42 pm

Hi Chris! I just started reading your site and it is very interesting. I met this guy in around August/September, we were talking regularly via the phone and texting. We started spending time with each other around the latter part of October. We both established we were not looking for a serious relationship and would just be friends. We were going really good until about the middle of January. He purchased a new car and went on vacation. We talked up until the day he left for vacation and a week later when he came back he was completely different. It’s like the person I knew before had gotten left on vacation. He barely responded to my texts, he was always gone, and we stopped spending as much time together. The last time we were together he was a complete jerk…he complained about the sex, that I now wasn’t the type of female he liked, etc. I don’t know what happened. I told him he hurt my feelings and he apologized but his comments cut deep. What I don’t understand is that we were getting close and then BOOM, his attitude changed. Two weeks ago I texted him asking him if I was bothering him because I got the impression I was annoying him but he didn’t respond. I texted him the next day that I will take his non-response as a “yes” and while we did have fun, I will no longer bother him. He did respond two days later with “lmao”. Needless to say that pissed me off but I did not respond to his text, I immediately instituted the no contact with him even before I came across your site. Can you provide some insight into what may have happened and what is going on with him as a guy? Thanks Chris.
Annie

March 12, 2014 at 5:08 pm

Okay so i get all the reasons and stuff why you should do the no contact rule and why its supossed to work but what i dont understand is when you do the no contact rule and you start feeling better without the person or even realize you dont want them back or even if you still want them back it will be easier for you…why is it different for the other person? If they have no contact to you wont they also be like feeling better without you after time especially when they left you already feeling good with the break up or left you because they didnt think about you anymore or didnt miss you anymore?
Amanda Lewoof

March 12, 2014 at 2:51 am

Hi Chris, I just broke up with my boyfriend cause I cheated on him. We’re in this Long Distance Relationship and I’m just not strong enough. Theres this guy who always there with me when I’m getting in a small or big arguments with my boyfriend and the cheating part just happen. I slept with the other guy for several times, maybe it wasnt makes sense but at the moment I miss my my boyfriend so much and it feels like he’s there only in a different form. Then I started to feel the remorse and hating myself. Tried to talk to my friends and they said I should leave the other guy but I should make it like hes the one that leave me, just so he have no hurt feeling. So I keep texting this guy, pretending the I’m feeling the same way but keep telling him to try to talk to other girls and stuff. I even ask him to stop contacting me and everything, but probably I was too nice so he doesnt got my message and start growing feelings for me. I couldnt play it anymore, I love my boyfriend so much, I just blocked the other guy from everwhere. My boyfriend smells something fishy of course, he caught a photo of me driving this guy to the airport and I lied about it. He’s hurting as hell, feeling down, even got physically sick cause I lied to him about going to the airport. He asked me the truth about this guy and I lied again telling him nothing going on with this guy, I just don’t wanna lose him. I’m afraid hes gonna leave me in instance and the thought of it scared me to death. And so finally we passed that, hes coming to town, we spent time together and I feel so much alive, realizing I love him so much, but at the same time I keep worrying about the past. Like should I come clean when he asked, or should I come clean to him out of the blue or should I just shut up until my dying day. I decided to shut up. We went on a holiday together, and then the past just catch up to me. Out of the blue the other guy message my boyfriend on facebook and tell him everything, I can see the frustation, the anger, the betrayed, the hurts on my boyfriend’s face. I still can’t tell him the truth, I keep denying it saying this guy is crazy and everything (which I really regret). I decided to go home separately and gave him his space. Then I finally arrived home, I texted him to let him know, and he said “who cares, you’re a lying bitch” and sent me photos of proof. Turns out the other guy send him 3 pictures to proof what he said is right. I can’t deny it anymore I started to say sorry but he keeps on rejecting me, saying he still love me but he can’t think he can forgive or forget. I was so devastated, he doesnt trust anything I said anymore. He even doubt I love him, he thought its all just an act, a fact love. Now I’m starting to do a no contact, but I’m planning to go across to meet him in 2 weeks cause thats the only date I can do.. Can I just do the no contact for 2 weeks? I really don’t know what to do now, I’m clueless, I’m feeling lost, I don’t wanna lose him, I want him back…

Amanda Lewoof

March 12, 2014 at 2:55 am

*a fake love

Eve

March 11, 2014 at 8:59 am

Hey Chris,
I am on day 26 of NC, after my bf of 15 months broke up with me on valentine’s. Reason: he didn’t have ‘That feeling’ anymore. I tend to think my repeatedly demanding him to get treatment for an STD he’s had for the last 4 months is the real reason (no cheating, just return of the virus).
He left, i havent spoken to him since. He isn’t a ‘normal’ guy cause he has pdd nos, a form of autism which makes any form of adequate feeling, communicating, and communicating those feelings difficult.
I am his first love/GF, he’s 21 and i’m 25.
Mutual friends inform me he’s been drinking his head off non-stop the last couple of weeks (they don’t know about the autism and STD so i can’t ask for help in those departments) He also blocked me, then unblocked me, and blocked me again on fb (although i didn’t do anything?!).
Question: after almost 1 month of NC, and in light of the autism, was this the right thing to do?
Laura

March 10, 2014 at 1:36 pm

My boyfriend broke up with me 10 days ago. He said he had very strong feelings for me but was in a bad place and wasn’t ready for a relationship. He said he wanted to be friends but I assumed that he meant he wanted to keep me around ‘just in case’ so I said no I think it is better if we have no contact. He said he respected my decision. I know he won’t contact me because I asked him not to so what should I do? Will I contact him after 30 days?
Stephanie K

March 10, 2014 at 10:04 am

Hi found this site while browsing on Google. My x recently broke contact after 5mos w a lame text that he found some of my old emails and was thinking of me. I did not teply back. I’m curious why now. 5 mos ago he withdrew himself from me completely, causedtension, we barely talked so after trying to reconnect w him, he betrayed me. Wanting answers I pestered him which ultimately ended up w him feeding me lies and excuses. I was fed up so I went no contact. I don’t think he has a friggin clue lol. Man done ppl can be so dense. If he pushed me to the point of no return, webby bother keep my number? Hmmm well I’ve moved on! 🙂

admin

March 10, 2014 at 5:55 pm

So, you moved on?

Or do you still want him back?
Stephanie K

March 10, 2014 at 10:05 am

Excuse my typos I’m on my phone and it’s late! Lol
admin

March 10, 2014 at 5:55 pm

No problem! Glad you like the site.

JC

March 10, 2014 at 12:53 am

If I basically texted him and told him what an awful person he was for making me think he loved me when his BFF said he just no longer wanted to do long distance relationship and then told him I would never speak to him again and that I was blocking him from all contact. Will the no contact rule work if I truly know he does love me but has severe depression, but what if it was just an act and I was just a crutch to help him while he is going through a divorce? I am not conceded, but I would consider myself to be pretty attractive and I do not have a problem getting a man. I just want him is my problem. Do I have a chance if he is emotionally consumed by divorce and I live 4 hours away? We only dated for a month but it was pretty hot and heavy really fast because he seemed almost obsessed with me. Texted me constantly talked to me on the phone for hours. Ugh what a mess…. So I was spending the weekend with him a week ago and we never have problems, so everything was perfect until he woke up Sunday morning a totally different person. Wtf?

JC

March 11, 2014 at 4:49 pm

Wow, never mind. He emailed me this morning. What sucks is I can’t respond for 26 more freaken days. OMG that seems like forever. What if he never tries to reach out to me again? At least he was apologizing and telling me how important I am. So at least the door is still open. God help me…. 26 days….

clare

March 9, 2014 at 7:17 pm

hi i dont know what happens if i do the breaking up! found that my boyfriend has been immature staying out drinking alot and we have a child together.he stays out for days every few month and never learns his lesson. hes been taking me for granted! i made him leave the house. he did so very easily no apology no explanation.. nothing! he is very stubborn. ive been doing nc for 9 days only speaking to him when its about child. very limited! i want him to come to me and apologise and maybe say he will change! is the nc rule still going to work?
Daley

March 8, 2014 at 10:48 pm

Hi Chris,

I have gone no contact for 15 days and my on-again/off-again ex is acting strange. He broke up with me but wanted to stay friends, I tried for 2 weeks and couldn’t do it so a few days after I announced I needed space and I didn’t want to be friends if we weren’t together (we recently bought townhouses two doors down from each other, pre-breakup so getting space is already tough but I was determined to go no contact), he started calling my best friend’s boyfriend (who is currently living in my home!) and wanting to be friends with him, he came by to visit the guy when I wasn’t home and then a couple of he called the guy to ask if he could borrow my snow shovel (who does that!?!) When he came to the door, I broke no contact to go down and give him the shovel. I also told him how rude and ridiculous it is to call my house guest asking to borrow my stuff (after I asked for space), he looked downright happy to see me and amused that I was telling him he was rude. He asked how I was doing and if he should come in from the cold entryway and I said no that won’t be necessary, we made small talk and he asked me three times during the convo “are you okay” to which I always replied yes, I’m fine. I also took the opportunity to ask him about some money he owes me which he promised he would pay by the end of the month and then I said okay well return the shovel when you can and closed the door. What’s going on? Do I need to re-start no contact from day 1? How do I manage no contact with the neighbor situation we have going on?

admin

March 10, 2014 at 5:26 pm

I think maybe some type of limited contact is best.

Laura

March 8, 2014 at 4:08 pm

Hi Chris,

My boyfriend of almost 1 year broke up with me last night. We were at a party together and he was touching other girls in front of me making his intentions quite clear. Afterwards he told me he loves me and cares for me but doesn’t feel IN love with me anymore but he wants to stay friends. Do I even bother trying to get him back?
Dani

March 8, 2014 at 5:02 am

Hey I was wondering if you have anything against longer NC period? Im half way through right now.

I just don’t feel like I will be ready by the end of mine. I’m in a big life transition right now so I would like to get by act together first and start working on myself rather then go back to him as the same person.
I also know he is used to being ignored/ignoring others from a strained father relationship if that makes a difference.

I was also wondering if I should go out of my way to avoid physically seeing him if i would have normally been at the same place as him?

Thanks!!!

admin

March 8, 2014 at 7:17 pm

Nope nothing against a longer one.

Lauryn

March 8, 2014 at 12:46 am

Been doing NC for 2 weeks. It really has helped me a lot. We didn’t end horribly, but more like it ended with me telling him I couldn’t be friends with him after he pretty much pushed me to the side for a new girl.

I reactivated my facebook, and low and behold, he sent me a message about a cheap hand mirror I left in his car. I left that months ago and he clearly knew I didn’t want it. I simply said no. I had no interest in conversing with him. Part of me thinks he just wanted to message me, or make his presence known.

And he is a very stubborn guy. Idk. Sometimes he’s hard to figure out, but do you think that may be a sign that he misses me in some way? I mean, we haven’t talked in weeks and that mirror holds no significance.

admin

March 8, 2014 at 7:11 pm

I am sure a part of him misses you yes.

Monica

March 6, 2014 at 11:51 pm

Chris today is the 40th day of NC ,my ex hasn’t reached out once, we had a Horrible breakup and im so afraid of reaching out! What should I do? I bought your ebook, I need help

admin

March 7, 2014 at 7:02 am

Any reason why you are opting for a longer NC?

Anny

March 6, 2014 at 11:24 pm

Hi Chris,
My boyfriend of two years dumped me via text.
He just sent me “I have feelings for someone else” I replied with “what??”
But he never texted back and I didn’t send any other texts.
I basically started the NC. It has been 15 days and he hasn’t tried talking to me however he texted my best friend telling her dirty lies about me and totally trash talked me and made me look like the bad one and him being the poor guy for even being with me.
Any advice?

admin

March 7, 2014 at 7:02 am

Ya… he seems really mean spirited.

Finish out NC right now. Emotions still seem to be high for him.

Daley

March 5, 2014 at 3:39 pm

Hi Chris,

I have gone no contact for 15 days and my on-again/off-again ex is acting strange. He broke up with me but wanted to stay friends, I tried for 2 weeks and couldn’t do it so a few days after I announced I needed space and I didn’t want to be friends if we weren’t together (we recently bought townhouses two doors down from each other, pre-breakup so getting space is already tough but I was determined to go no contact), he started calling my best friend’s boyfriend (who is currently living in my home!) and wanting to be friends with him, he came by to visit the guy when I wasn’t home and then a couple of he called the guy to ask if he could borrow my snow shovel (who does that!?!) When he came to the door, I broke no contact to go down and give him the shovel. I also told him how rude and ridiculous it is to call my house guest asking to borrow my stuff (after I asked for space), he looked downright happy to see me and amused that I was telling him he was rude. He asked how I was doing and if he should come in from the cold entryway and I said no that won’t be necessary, we made small talk and he asked me three times during the convo “are you okay” to which I always replied yes, I’m fine. I also took the opportunity to ask him about some money he owes me which he promised he would pay by the end of the month and then I said okay well return the shovel when you can and closed the door. What’s going on? Do I need to re-start no contact from day 1? How do I manage no contact with the neighbor situation we have going on?
joan

March 5, 2014 at 12:46 pm

oops sorry just anyone*
joan

March 5, 2014 at 12:41 pm

hi, me and my long distance ex has been on and off, he says he lost interest in me but suddenly calls, lately he said that he doesnt feel the love on me anymore and when we talked there is no feeling, and he started to talk to other girls on a dating site, I asked him if we are really over and he said that he is not committing to anyone else and will come to see me in a few months to see if things or his feelings will change. I feel bad cause I feel that I am being put aside as a back up but I love him and want him back, I know this is stupidity for me. I am doing no contact for 7 days and still he has not contacted me. will no contact still works for us even there is a chance that he is now talking to other girls on a dating site? thanks cris
Nata

March 5, 2014 at 6:25 am

I am on the 5th day of NC rule. I read many of your blogs. What if he doesn’t contact me within this one month? But I know he loves and misses a lot. And if he does contact or ask to meek should I still ignore him even if I want to get back with him? Please advice as I am really scared of what I should do if he contacts me and if he won’t.
Thanks a lot.
Julia

March 4, 2014 at 8:44 pm

I wrote a message below and this is my breathe continued…

My ex obviously is not telling the truth to both sides, bending the truth to put him in a good light and me in a bad light to everyone. None of his friends know how he’s been acting since our breakup. Right now, he’s just being a jerk.

I’m hoping one day he will look back and see what a jerk he was and feel bad about it. I’m hoping later on down the road I would hear from him and he would apologize.

Is that possible for someone like this?
Julia

March 4, 2014 at 8:35 pm

Hi Chris,

My boyfriend initiated the breakup and he was sobbing saying this is the hardest thing he’s ever had to do and I’m so important to him he wants me in his life and I told him if he does anything with the girl he cheated on me with, I can’t be friends with him. He said no he doesn’t want to invite that drama as that caused a lot of pain for us both.

Shortly after he texts me saying he’s scared and I didn’t respond, and then he announces on facebook that he’s back in the game, let’s me know he reactivated his dating profile that we met on, and says bye bye.

Later that night he’s at my house dropping off pictures of us, including the picture he had of us on his desk along with my stuff. I didn’t respond and didn’t act.

Few days later he sends me a link he thought I would think is funny and I did say yea that’s funny. He tried to add me as a friend on facebook and I declined. Later he caused drama with my friends and I told him that’s not cool, I don’t feel like I can go to the party now a bad impression has been made of myself and these people don’t know me. His response was okay.

Still not talking to him, a week later he puts me in a negative light with mutual friend, not acknowledging his shit but blaming me for everything, pointing out my flaws hoping I’m not rebounding because he would never do that to me. But yet I saw he’s friends with the girl he’s cheated on me with and hanging out with her.

At this point I felt like I need to stand up for myself. I told him so it’s okay for you to all this to me and your telling my roommate how I need to be after a breakup? We ended up getting into a fight. He was accusing me of rebounding and going on dates and what not when I haven’t. I told him no no no and he still called me a liar. He said my request about saying I can’t be friends with him if he rebounds with the girl he cheated on me with as unnacceptable. First says, they are friends he doesn’t plan on dating her but later on says whatever he does with her is none of my concern.

I was shocked. I ended up blocking him on my phone and facebook.

Why did he act like that? How could he put all blame on me why we broke up? Why is he acting like this when he said he wanted me as a friend in his life?

I’m not contacting him. Not worth it. He so irrational i can’t have a conversation with him. Anything I saw gets pushed to the side not acknowledged and I’m the bad guy.