In theory, giving someone a gift should make them like you and want you back, right? Not always. Today I’m going to take you through what happens if you give your ex a gift.
If you’ve read any of my articles or seen my videos, you might know where this is going…
Spoiler alert: I am NOT the biggest fan of giving gifts to get your ex. In fact, I honestly think it can further harm your chances rather than helping.
Well, no ex is going to base their decision of getting back to you on the gifts you give them (unless the reason for your breakup was bad gift-giving).
The gift shows no real change in your personality, so why would they take you back? And if something doesn’t help you get them back, what’s the point in wasting money?
I still want to dig deeper, though, because I’ve seen clients in certain situations where they’re convinced that giving their ex a gift will make things better, either because of social customs or unrealistic expectations.
I’m going to address all those situations and dispel them with logical reasoning as to why gift-giving is more harmful than helpful in all of them.
Situation # 1: Holidays
Holidays like Christmas, birthdays, or even Valentine’s day make people especially volatile after a breakup because they miss their exes and push themselves to send gifts to prove themselves. Social customs dictate giving gifts to people who matter to you, so it’s not outlandish to want to include your ex on that list.
However, those gifts are often misdirected because they’re sent to make you feel better instead of your ex.
After breakups, women want to make themselves feel better, and one of the ways to do this is to give a great gift to their ex that makes him feel better, and that, in turn, makes them feel better.
You really shouldn’t be giving someone a gift if it’s all about making YOU feel better.
It doesn’t always have to be about you and using your ex to make yourself feel better that way means your intentions for the gift were not pure.
People often use holidays as excuses to make themselves feel better this way but for the most part all that does is let your ex know that you are still obsessing over them.
That can feed their ego and drive them further away from you, which is not what you want.
Situation # 2: Giving An Ex A Gift During No Contact
If you’re reading this, you probably know that I’m a huge proponent of the no contact rule after a breakup, regardless of what outcome you want. Hitting the reset button is an excellent idea if you want your ex back or if you just genuinely need space to move on.
The no contact rule requires you to ignore your ex for a period of 21-45 days completely.
Most of my clients find it extremely difficult to abide by the no contact period fully, so they’re always looking for loopholes and ways to communicate with their ex. In fact, we estimate that almost 80% of everyone trying the no contact rule will break it at some point.
Why do people keep breaking the rule, despite its success? Because no one wants to be forgotten. People who want their exes back think that their ex might forget them and move on during the no contact period.
How do people cope with this fear of being forgotten? They send a gift to their ex. A gift doesn’t need to be huge; it can be a simple card or flower bouquet too. But what does sending a gift during the no contact rule do?
All it ends up doing is undermining all the built-up tension from the no contact rule, and this premature lapse makes it that much more difficult to see fruitful results from the no contact rule. It’s basically self-sabotaging your journey of making your ex want you back.
Situation # 3: What Happens If You Give Your Ex A Gift When The Two Of You Are “Vibing?”
So, you’re talking again and getting that spark back, seems like a good time to send a token of appreciation, right? Well, your ex will not make the decision to take you back because of a gift.
In reality, they might see the gift as more of a love “bribe,” and it could put them off or they could just take you for granted.
An example from one of my clients is extremely relevant here, and this one isn’t a success story.
Let’s call this client Ashley for the sake of simplicity. Ashley had just been through a devastating breakup, so she started following my no contact rule, and it was working really well.
She was back in contact with her ex, and they were exchanging “I miss yous” regularly.
They even made it to the in-person interaction stage, where they started seeing each other again after the no contact rule and building enough interaction through text.
Here’s where it started going downhill.
Her ex was a musician who was super into rock and roll, so Ashley thought it’d be a great idea to get him a $500 guitar.
He loved it so much that they ended up sleeping together. Sounds great, right? Well, this story ended with him disappearing with the guitar after they slept together.
Why would he do that? Simple. This was a man who knew that he could easily get her back and take advantage of her as much as he wanted. He even had the audacity to reach out to her after a month of ghosting her for a booty call!
So, did the $500 guitar help her in getting him back? NO. If anything, it probably primed him to take advantage of his kindness.
A man does not deserve a reward for breaking up with you.
Think of a pet who’s not house trained. Do you give them treats for peeing all over your new carpet? Of course not. But why is that? Well, because you don’t want to reward and reinforce negative behavior.
Instead, you discipline your pet until it knows what to do.
The same way, your ex needs to EARN the right to be in your good graces again.
He will never try to do that or change himself if you keep showering him with presents. Building attraction and feelings back up in an organic way is almost always more powerful than giving someone a gift by itself.
Giving your ex a gift is like trying to take a shortcut to get them back but ask yourself this: do you really want someone who just takes you back for a gift? Probably not. Besides, most people do not take gifts into account when deciding whether to get back with their exes or not.
You’re better off trying to reestablish a connection based on open communication instead of trying to ply someone with gifts.
Be particularly careful about giving gifts in these situations:
Holidays like birthdays and Christmas – because it could be about making you feel better instead of them.
During the no contact rule – because it resets your clock and reduces your chances of success.
When you’ve established contact, and things are looking good, because your ex could take you for granted and take advantage of you.