By Chris Seiter

Updated on February 2nd, 2021

Are you familiar with what a crossroads is?

It’s essentially where you hit a fork in the road and are presented with two choices that will significantly impact your future,

In your case you are at a crossroads where you are asking yourself if you should fight for your ex and give up.

To level with you I never quite know exactly what to say in articles like this.

Where you are deciding on if you want to get your ex back or not.

I don’t know if I should teach you how to get your ex back and let you come to your own conclusion on if it’s something you want to try.

Or if I should just list out the reasons for why getting an ex back can be a good idea.

Today I’m going to be doing something unique. Instead of going with the flow of what I usually do I’m going to work backwards.

I’m going to operate under the assumption that you do want your ex back and show you the situations where trying to fight for your ex would be a bad idea.

4 Important Things To Keep In Mind Should You Decide To Fight For Your Ex

Time is our most valuable commodity.

It’s the one resource that once spent, you’ll never be able to get more of.

There’s nothing worse than wasting your time “fighting” for someone only to be blind to the fact that you never had a chance with them at all. I want you to avoid that situation so I’m going to show you the four most important things you need to keep in mind.

  1. The First Thing You Should Do Is Determine If You Have A Chance
  2. Familiarize Yourself With Situations That Have Low Chances Of Success
  3. Determine If You’ve Already Used Our Strategies Before
  4. The Self Fulfilling Wheel Theory

Some of these concepts may be new to you and some many not be.

Even in those old cliches I promise that I’m going to be peeling back layers you didn’t even know existed.

Let’s begin!

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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Thing #1: Determine If You Even Have A Chance

What does the U.S. constitution want us to believe?

All men are created equal?

They aren’t.

The founding fathers didn’t include women in their definition of “men.” Hell, they didn’t even think slaves were worth an entire person as they decided that they were worth 3/4ths of a person.

Seems like I’m getting off topic here but I promise that there is a method to my madness.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

People want you to believe in equality.

But in most cases equality doesn’t exist.

This is especially true when it comes to breakups.

Not all breakups are created equal.

Someone who cheated on their ex isn’t going to have a better chance than someone who went through an average breakup.

The first thing I would do if I was you is determine what kind of chance you have of getting your ex back.

You’re wondering how you can do that, aren’t you?

Luckily, I’ve put together an entire quiz dedicated to answering this exact question for you,

Is There A Chance Your Ex Will Take You Back?
Take The Quiz

This quiz should only take you about two minutes to complete and is going to ask you questions about your situation.

It’s only through asking questions about your situation that we can determine where you fall on the “chances scale.”

Now, I do want to say that the quiz isn’t exact science.

The algorithm is made up of my personal experience working with clients and research based on reputable sources.

Thing #2: Familiarize Yourself With The Situations That Are Destined For Failure

For the last two months I’ve been writing a lot of content and doing a lot of coaching sessions with people.

You may have noticed that I’ve come up with a new theme in my content.

The Theme = Situations That Are Destined For Failure

I believe it’s important for you to familiarize yourself with the situations that are destined for failure so that you know if you are in one of these situations.

The first place I’d start is by recommending that you read this article.

That is an article I wrote last week about the top five signs that your ex probably isn’t going to be coming back.

Here’s a video if you learn better that way,

Essentially I theorize that there are five signs that you need to look out for if you are interested in making your ex come back.

If these five signs are present then they probably aren’t coming back.

  1. Your Ex Has Been Dating Someone New For Over Six Months
  2. You Can’t Get A Conversation Started At All
  3. Your Conversations Consistently Lack Substance
  4. Your Ex Is Getting Married
  5. It’s Been Longer Than Eight Months Since The Breakup

Now, there are actually quite a few more layers to peel back here but I’ve actually already peeled those layers back in the video and in the article. So, if you’re worried that you fall into one of the categories above make sure you take some time to read or watch the materials I recommended.

Let’s move on.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

Thing #3: Determine That You Haven’t Used Our Strategies Before

A few days ago one of the people my wife was coaching asked a question about their situation that she wanted my take on.

After explaining the situation I determined that this clients problem was that their ex was wise to our strategies because the client had failed and used the same strategy over and over again.

Human beings are experts at recognizing patterns.

This is an important thing to remember because it can tell you the whole story of if your tactics will work on your ex.

Did you know that in high school I was a baseball player.

I was actually a pretty good one.

I say that not to be arrogant but it’s a fact.

I pitched a perfect game.

Whats more I pitched a perfect game by striking out every single batter I faced,

How did I do it?

Well, without even realizing it I learned that great pitchers confuse batters by ensuring there is no pattern to pick up on.

Consider for a moment a pitcher who pitches three pitches roughly in the same area of the strike zone,

This creates a pattern that the batter can pick up on and eventually take advantage of.

I learned that if you want to be a great pitcher you had to mix your pitches up in two ways.

  1. Location
  2. Speed

So, not only are you throwing pitches in different areas of the strike zone but you are also mixing in different speeds.

This throws batters off so much that they confuse themselves into swinging at balls that aren’t even strikes.

This is how I pitched a perfect game where I struck out every single batter.

I was never predictable.

Also, to add another layer of complexity to it I would completely do something different for when I’d face that same batter a second time.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

I never let there be a discernible pattern.

This may seem like a strange analogy but it’s not.

My overall point is that if your ex can pick up on the strategies or tactics that you are using and “figure out” the pattern then the strategies and tactics aren’t going to be effective.

This is why failing at something like the no contact rule can have devastating consequences if you don’t change that behavior.

Thing #4: The Self Fulfilling Wheel Theory

Change is difficult to achieve in any facet of life.

Consider for a moment when your life changes. Is that change met with excitement and glee or anger and despair?

If you’re anything like me or my clients then it’s going to be met with anger and despair.

I’ve already established that as humans we love our patterns and so when those patterns get interrupted it can become annoying.

But what about change in the sense of relationships?

Albert Einstein claims that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

Is it insane to think that anything will change the second time around if you do get your ex back?

It’s actually not.

In fact, I’d say that around half of the clients that I’ve worked with who got their exes back end up breaking up again.


Well, it’s something I like to call the self fulfilling wheel theory.

Look at this graphic for a moment,

The main problem is that nothing changes from the first relationship to the second relationship.

Those insecurities or passive aggressive tendencies in you or your ex still exist.

What ends up happening is that history repeats itself for the same exact reasons it did before.

You’re essentially in a self fulfilling prophecy doomed to fail.

What’s worse is that as you make the third revolution in this wheel of horror the strategies that worked so well before aren’t quite as effective.

I’m telling you this not to scare you but to show you what needs to be done.

You have to get the wheel off of its track.

You have to ensure that the second time around your relationship with your ex avoids the same pitfalls as the first time around.

In order to do this you need to have a clear understanding of what cause the issues in your first relationship and work with your ex towards a goal of removing those obstacles.

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22 thoughts on “Should I Fight For My Ex?”

  1. Natalie

    February 15, 2020 at 7:57 pm

    So my ex broke up with me four weeks ago. We have a nine month old baby. NC isnt possible so I’ve done LC for the duration. We have a date scheduled for tomorrow that is different than anything we have done before. Just an hour. Try and create a new memory and to reconnect. The thing is, he is saying he doesnt think it’s a great idea now. He is going to honour the date as it’s short notice to take anyone else for either of us. I feel like he is doing it as an obligation and to maintain ‘open minded about a potential future’ comment he keeps saying to me. I am going into the meet staying positive and knowing we can have a light day, no intense chat or tears. But what am I missing? Am I being strung along?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 16, 2020 at 9:56 am

      Hey Natalie, so I think the issue is he feels that he can get you back if he wanted you. So you need to make him question that. While being friendly and chatty, make sure that you do not flirt with him, touch him etc. Let him see you are not going to be how you were when you were in a relationship.

  2. Astrid

    January 6, 2020 at 4:22 am

    Hi I want to start the program but I don’t know what to do. My ex broke up with me on December 28 and it will be a little over a week tomorrow but he ask me to not block him and that was a huge thing when I did because my counselor told me in order to move on. Two days ago my ex got into a car accident call me and told me he loves me and he had a concussion after. I really want to get them back we still talk every day and after the accident he had been more open I just wish he was less stubborn and decided to give us a second chance. He says I should just let him go because he is a burden on my life but I love this man and I know he is just saying that because of the accident. Should I do the no contact rule or not? He is also very depressed but keeps pushing me away at some moments during the day.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 7, 2020 at 10:26 pm

      Hey Astrid, yes you need to go into No contact as you have not done one yet. You do not need to block them, you just not speak with them for 30 days

  3. j

    November 26, 2019 at 6:50 am

    My ex just broke up with me yesterday because he said he didnt love me anymore due to our fights and tensions that made him start to dislike the little things in me that he used to overlook. We were taking a break before this because he tried to break up with me before because we fought alot recently and he said our fighting was not good for us but he agreed to take a break because he still loved me then. However, the break was not really a break for we were still hanging out and i was desperately talking to him trying to fix the relationship. The next thing i knew was that he dumped me because his feelings for me depleted after our fights and eventually fizzled out a few days ago. The reason why we fought was because i demanded too much from him such as doing stuff for me and my insecurities made me overthink everything and thus fights occur. Also, I did not dare to voice out my opinions to him for I was always afraid of him leaving me. I told him the solutions to our issues but i guess he stopped loving me then or just lost feelings for me. He cried while breaking up with me both times, saying he didnt want to hurt me. I’m currently doing no contact now but he still follows me on social media. Should i post insta stories to make him jealous? Is there a chance with him? Do you think he is worth my time and effort? If i do contact him after no contact or the latter, how do i ensure i stay out of the friendzone?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 30, 2019 at 11:53 pm

      Hi J, so yes post things to social media showing you are doing well and socialising for now. Wait until the end of your No Contact before you post anything that may hint that there is a date or a guy in your life. If you follow the program properly you will see great results for your lifestyle and your ex will notice them too, and if you do it right it can give you, your best chance at getting him back too

  4. Julia

    November 19, 2019 at 3:18 pm

    Hi chris,
    my ex broke up with me a week ago after a fight I showed up drunk at his house and literally broke his door. He texted me next day saying that it was over and not to try to contact him or fix things, it was a mistake. Before that fight things were amazing no fights and we were together for about 6 months and years ago we used to date. He blocked me on phone, whatsup, personal IG but not his business one. after he sent me the message it was over I respond apologizing for my behavior and I left him alone. Do you think I have a chance? He’s very stubborn and emotional…I read all you articles…please let me know

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 19, 2019 at 10:20 pm

      Hi Julia so you need to do a full 45 days no contact and do some work on yourself, while your relationship was short your break up was quite extreme. You need to give him time to get over the negative feelings he is feeling towards you right now. So follow the process and do some work on the holy trinity

  5. Marie Nsab

    January 10, 2019 at 8:50 pm

    Heey, so my ex broke up with me about a week ago because I lied to him and it was a big lie. He is very stubborn and he said that he won’t take me back and he doesn’t believe i can change. But he forgave me for the mistakes I’ve made and wants me to take time for myself. Now his trust is broken, during the relationship he mentioned a couple of times that honesty is very important to him. A couple of days before the breakup he told me he really fell hard for me, that he will never find someone better and that I complete him. Now I am in the periode of No contact and I’ve realised what the true issues were and what i can do about it. We have planned to see eachother in about a month to discuss everything. How can I change his mind about ending the relationship?

    1. Chris Seiter

      January 11, 2019 at 12:39 am

      Hi Marie….best to have an ex recovery plan. Have you picked up my eBook which covers all of this to ensure you are implementing NC correctly and all the rest?

  6. I

    November 26, 2018 at 1:37 pm

    Hi! I wish I’d found your website sooner, I would of reacted to my breakup a lot better.. but let me give you the back story.
    So basically me and my ex broke up a week ago now, we were together for 4 years. The first year was good, we had so much in common and he was so kind and sweet. I was his first proper relationship, I’d been with people before but it never really turned out well, I went for people who weren’t very nice. So being with him was refreshing.
    But unfortunately about 10 months in we were on a night out and he ended up hitting my friends boyfriends friend, and although it was just a drink fuelled mistake and totally out of character it turned out he broke this guys jaw and the following year we ended up in a court case and he went to prison for a year and a half. I supported him through it all as did many other people, I know he made a terrible mistake.
    So after he was released he came to live with me as he had an tag on for the next 4 months so he could only leave the house between 7am-7pm. That’s when the problems started.
    He became very frustrated very quickly and would often say he was so bored and that he wished he had a better life, he seemed no longer content with his life as it was, and I suddenly had this massive insecurity that I wasn’t enough for him and it made me react negatively, I pushed him away and would often get upset with him. He just seemed like a different person, but yet I kept hope that he’d come out of the phase and realise what he had, I assumed he was just feeling like he had to make up for lost time. But it seemed whatever we did or wherever we went he seemed dissatisfied, but looking back I wonder if that was my own insecurity.
    He also started to pay attention to the amount of attention he’d get off other women, (he went to the gym a lot in prison and came out looking great) and he ended up speaking to another girl behind my back. I found out about it and he said it was because I was being horrible to him and didn’t give him any attention but he did apologise and broke it off after a few days. Nothing physical happened between them but was telling her he was going to leave me and they spoke a lot.
    So my fault or not, after that I got even more insecure. Things weren’t the same and I shut off emotionally even more, we stopped communicating.
    He seemed to have a lot less patience with me and I just couldn’t trust him. I wasn’t like crazy paranoid but I expressed that I’d be worried about other girls. I just couldn’t bring myself out of it even though I still loved him so much.
    Anyway so he keeps pulling away from me and eventually he tried to break up with me, I pleaded with him and then he said he needed space.
    He came back after two days and said we needed to breakup because we weren’t working and he just didn’t feel like things would change. I promised him they would but he wouldn’t listen. It ended relatively calmly and he said he still loved me as a person and wanted to be friends but we needed to leave it for a week or so to heal.
    I took it well at first but then my anger got the better of me, the day after he was meant to come and get his stuff so I was hoping maybe we could speak again, he tells me he’s out for dinner and he’d be over later and I stupidly said ‘oh a date?’ And he ignored me after that.
    He comes over late at night, drunk, and tells me it’s none of my business what he does and that I haven’t changed. After a day?! And proceeds to stand there texting another girl right in front of me.
    I cried a lot and after he left I sent him a message saying how it was insensitive and he should have understood my upset. He didn’t seem to get it though and told me to give it time.
    The day after that I sent him another angry message saying how I felt he treated me and how he made me feel, it probably wasn’t all true but yeah.. and I told him to come and get the rest of his stuff because I wanted it out. He said he wanted to leave it a few days but I said I wanted it out now.
    So he came over again and I got upset again and asked him if there was any hope, I also asked him if there was someone else and we ended up snapping at eachother again.
    I apologised again and he said he understood how hard it was, but again to give it time, he rang me too and told me it was gonna be okay.
    Why didn’t I just leave it there! I didn’t. It gets worse.
    I was convinced there was someone else, so a day or so after I basically went crazy on the phone and he admitted there was someone else, but he was just speaking to them, nothing serious. I was convinced it was a girl at work and I went round to his and asked about it, he got even more annoyed and told me to leave. I reaaaaally regretted it afterwards.
    I then told him to block me on everything because it was too hard, he did but left me unblocked on Instagram, and still follows me. After some thought I told him I was gonna let him move on and I was sorry for acting like a psycho.
    Then two days ago I said ‘you’re never coming back are you’ and he said ‘I will come back, just please give it time’ I just left it there.
    He still views things I put up and when we first broke up I left him a long message saying how sorry I was that things went wrong and everything, he said he didn’t get it but I saw he had read it yesterday. It gave me a tiny bit of hope he was still thinking of me.
    I didn’t find your website and about the no contact rule until then and I feel really stupid for how I’ve acted. I’m leaving him alone for now but I feel like he isn’t going to come back. Have I ruined it? Sorry for the enormous message. Thankyou.

  7. Sara

    November 23, 2018 at 10:44 pm

    Hi Chris,
    Ok so I have been doing NC for about 2 1/2 weeks and the last time I spoke to my ex I was telling him how upset and felt still feel like he led me on we had a conversation before where I was trying to be nice and leave things off on a good start but I didn’t want him to think he was getting off easy and that I was going to accept his lack of maturing emotionally so I told him how I felt we were both yelling at each other and I just hung up on him we have been broken up for about 2 months now. So during the argument he kept cutting me off and made it seem like I was bothering I hung up he calls me back and I didn’t answer he then sends me a text saying that he is sorry and that he is going to therapy to fix his problems. My question is why would he say he is going to therapy to fix his problems? The reason we broke up was because he couldn’t bring himself to tell me he loved me and I decided that after a year that was ridiculous and I was done

  8. Alisha

    November 15, 2018 at 6:19 am

    I reached out to my ex and found out he is in a relationship. I am thinking its a rebound because he told me to add him back on social media and agrees to hang out. During one of our hangouts i asked him if he loves her and his initial reaction was no, then he said yes. He also told me he still cares for me. After our last hangout he told me he wants to be faithful to her and he took me out of snapchat. Im doing no contact right now and its been a month. During this nc period i see hes following other girls on Instagram, but he’s in a “relationship”. should i reach out or give him space and wait for him to? Do you think i still have a chance? His actions and words are so confusing.

  9. Laura

    November 14, 2018 at 11:53 am

    Hi Chris,

    My relationship just ended after 3 years we were looking for houses and a month ago we went on vacation. All of sudden my boyfriend broke it off, he is heartbroken about it, me also, but he told me he is lost. Before he met me he wanted to work in another country, wanted to start a company and do a study. After we started our relationship he lost those things and now he doesn’t know who he is anymore. He broke our relationship because he is not sure if he is going to change and he thinks it is not fair for me. Because I have my family and a career and he thinks I would not leave them behind. He doesn’t have those things, because he is in a job where he is unhappy and he doesn’t have a good bond with his parents. That was one of the reasons he wanted to go another country. He wants to figure out who he is and wants me to be happy. He also said he is a broken man and he wants to try to remember who he was before he lost those things and he thinks it works best without me. I told him to get help for his problems because he can’t do this by himself. I’m not sure what to do next, because I’m afraid if I do no contact its going to end badly, because he is in a bad place right now. It was so hard not to comfort him, because he kept on crying and he was so lost but I’m afraid it will break my heart more if I do it.

  10. Christiana

    November 14, 2018 at 2:22 am

    Hey Chris,

    My boyfriend and I broke up about a week ago and I could use your read on the situation. We had been together for 10 months, and for most of those, the relationship was WONDERFUL. The best word I can use is dreamy.

    Things began to deteriorate about ~3 months ago when my anxiety flared up (major life change) and he began struggling with an undiagnosed health condition that caused him to lose a great deal of weight. About 2 months ago, we moved into an apartment with two of his friends, which coincided with the beginning of the academic semester (he’s in college). This brought more stress — he dropped out of school the previous semester, so a lot of pressure was placed on him at this point in time, and the other roommates and I did not get along well.

    We began snapping at each other more. We were both chronically stressed and would come home after a long day just to start bickering. I began therapy to manage my anxiety, but it didn’t seem to matter to him. He broke up with me anyways, citing that he was overwhelmed and just couldn’t do it anymore. The way he handled it was so uncharacteristic of him, although perhaps that was because this was his first serious relationship and thus his first “real” breakup.

    He said there’s a possibility that we could reconcile, but he couldn’t promise anything more. I moved out as fast as I could (to my parent’s home an hour and a half away) and initiated NC. I love him and am absolutely convinced he’s my soulmate. What are my odds? I’m insecure and I’m afraid he’s just… over me.

    Thank you for your time.

    1. Chris Seiter

      November 14, 2018 at 4:08 am

      Hi Christiana!

      I know all this is stressful, but you can find the right path for healing and seeking to be the best “you”, but for yourself. Yes, NC is a solid way forward, but read up on it….learn about my program so understand how to properly implement all the elements of NC to your advantage! You are going to get thru this.

  11. Laura van der Plas

    November 11, 2018 at 11:02 pm

    Hi Chris,

    My boyfriend broke off with me suddenly after three years. Like every couple we had some fights but we always made up. Suddenly he breaks up with me saying he sees no future with me. While we have talked about it recently, even when we would get old. So I do not understand where this is coming from. He is saying he is thinking about it for 6 months. About the time I started making my career and his job got bad. We are both working in the same field and I kept saying he has to change jobs, because he is really unhappy about his job now. Now we are both heartbroken about this and he wants to phone about it. He is saying he is the problem and want to explain it. How do I handle this?

    1. Chris Seiter

      November 12, 2018 at 12:07 am

      Hi Laura!

      I know that’s got to be tough on you as 3 years is a good amount of time, but the positive is when you are with someone that long, there is some traction that can come into play later. Sometimes guys say stupid things, so time will tell where this is going. But you should have an ex recovery plan so you can heal and also work toward improving your chances. Check out my Home Page and tap into my books, videos, podcasts, articles for insights!

  12. Rae

    November 11, 2018 at 2:35 am

    I broke up with my boyfriend two months ago and within 3 days after the break up I was asking him to talk things out and try to make this work again. After many unanswered attempts and about 3 weeks he finally reached out and we had a short conversation which ended in him saying he thinks we just need a break. At that point I decided to leave him alone and let him have his break. I didn’t find this site until about a week after, but I guess I started no contact on my own without even knowing it. After two weeks of neither of us reaching out, he started looking at my Instagram stories but he doesn’t follow me. He watches every single one I post still (going on three weeks now), and I don’t post every day so he has to constantly be looking at my profile. I’ve been doing what I can to move on but seeing his name in my viewers list holds me back. Also, this relationship feels over and I know he said he wants a break but it feels like he’s just said that to string to along because he still hasn’t reached out. But at the same time we were already broken up, he could have just said he was happy with the way things were and didn’t have to mention just needing a break. I don’t know I’m confused any advice or insight would be helpful!

    1. Chris Seiter

      November 11, 2018 at 3:25 am

      Hi Rae!

      Good job starting up NC on your own. You ought to pick up my 485 page eBook, “Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro” so you are up to speed on all of the post breakup actions you may want to take. I know it feels like everything is awful and over. But its not always the case.

  13. H

    November 9, 2018 at 9:12 pm

    Hi Chris.
    My situation is one of that very complicated because…almost two years have passed since the break-up. BUT during a year and a half we kept in touch, certain times I had to do NC but we always came to me, most of the time (after the first weird months after the break up) he was nice and flirty. We never met in person since before the break up (LDR).Last times we texted each other we told me things like he was thinking about me, that he was happy with us sharing our connection, he proposed to facetime…And before doing it he told me that it would be better to wait. And..we never talked again. I’m not explaining it all because this would be and endless post but for the last conversation, I couldn’t initiate, it has to be him. So I waited, he always ended up doing it (until now, we had never spent more than five weeks without talking), I kept being the best version of myself, trying to be the best UG… But he never texted again. It has been almost four months and the worst is that he didn’t text on my bday (even after the break up, our bdays were important and we always tried to do something special for the other, not a cold “happy bday, have fun” text). I can’t understand how he changed his mind so much. At the same time, certain things were happening which made me even a better UG, with elements which could make him jealous (and I wasn’t doing anything, but my popularity raised up even more). I try to keep going, I even recovered and old hobby (and just after that he started to do the same thing, if it weren’t impossible I would think that he’s doing it on purpose). But I miss him and I can’t understand how he went from being happy about me and giving little steps to stop texting “forever”. I don’t know what to do. I believe that it could be a chance for us but I don’t know what’s in his mind lately, he is even almost absent in social media (he barely posts). I don’t know if there is another girl, I don’t have reasons to think that but it’s always my fear. I don’t know what to do. I keep being the UG, I can’t text him (specially after him not texting for my bday) and I seem to be dead for him (but something strange: he unfriends from social media every person he’s not talking anymore, because his privacy is very important to him and he never unfriended me, even if he seems to have erased me completly).
    What can I do?
    Thank you a lot

    1. Chris Seiter

      November 10, 2018 at 2:02 am

      Hi H!

      There is a lot going on here. Proud of you for your efforts to be the UG! So much wish I had more time to reply. Do you have my 485 page eBook. It will do it more justice than I can here with limited time.