I was contemplating starting this article off with “tell him to take a long walk off a short pier” and leave it at that, but that wouldn’t really be an article now, would it?
That’s basically the gist of how I feel, though. Or at least, my initial reaction to this topic.
But I hear it often enough in our Facebook Group,
“My ex is cheating on his girlfriend with me.”
“I’m still hooking up with my ex, even though he has a girlfriend.”
“Should I sleep with my ex even though he’s seeing someone else?”
I understand that you love who you love, and even if they are an awful person. And I understand that most people who visit this site are here because they want to get their ex back. So, we’re just gonna go from there. I mean, it’s either that or get a REALLY short article that’s basically me just saying… “nope.”
So because of this, I’m going to kind of split this article into two sections: a section where I explain why maybe you should consider letting go and moving on (let’s face it, some people are just not looking out for your best interest), and then a section of what to do if you still want to get him back.
So without further ado, let’s get started.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizThe Moral High Ground – The Head
Let’s face it, when you let your heart lead, you don’t always give a situation the rational thought you should. So, we are going take a little walk through the rational thought process that you most likely want so badly to skip.
Have you ever heard the phrase
“How you get them is how you lose them”?
or maybe,
“If he’ll do it FOR you, he’ll do it TO you.”
If you are in this situation, that is something I want you to think about heavily as we make our way through this section.
Let me give you an example to start us off:
When I was in my freshman year of college, I made friends with a girl – let’s call her Jenna*.
Jenna, who was also a freshman, had been dating a guy a few years older for quite some time, we’ll call him Joe*
They were seemingly very happy together. However, another first year girl – let’s call her Christina – had her eye on Joe, and the two of them began an affair before Joe ended things with Jenna without a second thought.
At first, it seemed like maybe Joe and Christina were a better match than Joe and Jenna had been – the two of them were together for years and were, again, seemingly very happy. Fast forward two years, though.
Jenna had transferred to another school and was happily in another relationship. Joe and Christina were still together. But Joe had started getting closer to another girl in his class – we’ll call her Laurie.
I’m guessing you know what happened next – Joe and Laurie began an affair, and then he unceremoniously ended things with Christina, who was completely devastated.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizThough I considered Christina a friend, I couldn’t help but think,
“What did you expect? That is exactly how you got him. If he did it to someone else, he can do it to you.”
That’s the moral of this story, really. Joe was, I believe still is, a serial relationship jumper – always looking for the better opportunity, and never fully leaving a relationship until he already has one foot in his next one. I suspect that this comes from a deep place of insecurity, but that doesn’t excuse his behavior.
Keep in mind, if your ex is still calling you or texting you asking for sex even though he is in a new relationship and the two of you were to get back together, it is likely that he will turn around and do the exact same thing to you. He probably won’t think twice about it because it’s become a habit. Behaving in this way really is a testament to his character, and as you can probably guess, it is not testifying to his GOOD character.
Do you really want to begin a relationship based on cheating and lies?
That does not bode well for any future relationship that might come out of it. And both you and the other woman in question deserve better than a man who isn’t secure in himself or ready for commitment.
If your ex is asking for sex while in a new relationship, I urge you to seriously think about what that means about who he is, and why you would welcome that negativity into your life.
It may also be helpful to try and get a gauge on why he is making this request.
Ask yourself:
- Is it that he is unhappy in his current relationship?
- If that is the case, why won’t he just end things with her?
- Why cheat?
- Does he get off on the power play of having two, or more, women available to him?
Furthermore, if he does maintain a relationship with both of you, what incentive does that give him to leave her? If you make sex an option, you make yourself 100% available to him. He gets to have his cake and eat it too. He gets the best of both worlds. Why on earth would he chose you when he can have both?
I implore you – do not sleep with your ex boyfriend….under any circumstances, especially if he is in another relationship.
Relationships are supposed to be built on friendship, trust, and respect. If you give in to having sex with your ex, you are showing him you do not respect yourself, so why in the world would he respect you? I know this advice may seem harsh, but it is so important to set healthy boundaries after a breakup. Especially if another woman is involved.
If your ex is in a new relationship and still hitting you up to hook up, I would advise that you set clear boundaries within your friendship, and do a No Contact period – either 30 or 45 days. Assuming he intends to stay with her, your best bet would be to go for an indefinite No Contact period, but I understand that making that choice is not as simple as it seems.
When your ex has a girlfriend, but still talks to you it’s tempting to keep responding when your ex does get’s a little “more than friend-like” simply because it’s exciting that he’s still talking to you. But if you actually want him back, you have to create that distance for him to miss you, which means a step back in to No Contact.
Which brings me to…
But What if I Still Want Him Back? – The Heart
I wrote the rational and logical portion first because I didn’t want readers to read the advice about how to get back an ex who is behaving in such a way, then stop reading once I got on my soapbox about respect and character, or lack of it. So I got on my soapbox first.
So, we are going to cover the steps you should take if you are attempting to get an ex boyfriend back who is in another relationship, but still wants to continue a sexual relationship with you.
There are some of you who come to this site and ask,
“Should I sleep with my ex to get him back?”
Simpy put, the answer is no.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizSleeping with an ex after a breakup, even if he isn’t in a relationship, is close to being the LEAST effective way to get a guy back.
Getting someone back takes more finesse than just giving yourself to him on a platter.
As I mentioned in the previous section, No Contact is the first thing you should do. Show him you are not messing around and will not be his mistress while he embarks on a full fledged relationship with another woman.
Setting boundaries will be very important, and you have to be strong. I know that your feelings for him are so strong that the temptation to just jump right into his arms is very real, but you are going to have to have control of your emotions. That is necessary for every situation in the Ex Boyfriend Recovery program, but even more so here. As I mentioned, if you slip up, he’ll think he can have it all without the commitment to you. This is not what you want and will lead you to be absolutely miserable in the end. Keep your eye on the big picture.
One of my favorite responses to this situation was hearing a girl say,
“Um, I don’t even share food. What makes you think I’m okay with sharing you with another woman?”
So first thing is first – No Contact.
After the No Contact period is over, I would recommend reconnecting as a friend and then starting the being there method. Remain in his life in a position that makes the other woman nervous. Work on developing the emotional component of your relationship so that he feels safe being vulnerable. I’ve always said that if a man can be comfortable being vulnerable with you, you are in a good place to hold an important position in his heart.
While using the Being There method, I recommend keeping sex talk to a minimum – if he brought up wanting to have sex with you once, that desire will not go away. In fact, the desire will likely only become more intense, as humans we are basically wired to always want what we cannot have.
Try to keep the interactions light, and focus on emotional intimacy, rather than physical. If he pushes, do not be afraid to set boundaries and stand up for yourself. These tactics can sometimes twist your mind, but keep your eye on the prize and do not give in.
If he tends to continue trying to bring your conversations and interactions to a sexual place, even despite your best efforts to try and get him to develop a deeper relationship with you, it may be time to re-evaluate what his motives may be (see the previous section. I know some of you skipped it because it wasn’t what you wanted to hear) and have an honest conversation with yourself about if you are ultimately getting what you want… or would it be settling for less than you deserve?
For a lot of you, considering whether or not your ex is the right person to get back together with is exactly what you need to do next. If that is the case, you know who you are and you should definitely watch this interview Chris did with Marni Battista.
Where Power Lies – The Body
If you’ve read any of my previous articles on the site, you’ll know that I’m basically obsessed with the idea of power dynamics in relationships, and in quests to get your ex back, in particular. I consider it a game, and a game I have always been good at playing.
You’ll also know that as a woman, I consider our biggest asset in this power play to be ourselves – our body.
Women are considered the gatekeepers to sex. They say if it’s happening, when it’s happening, and how it’s happening. This is sometimes an unfair assumption, but I would say that eight times out of ten, it proves true.
Your power lies in not giving up sex to your ex – especially if he is in a new relationship. Who knows what the underlying issues are in his relationship? Maybe the sex life is suffering. If that is the case, you can use this to your advantage by sneakily teasing him and showing what he’s missing. It is important that this teasing is not overt – remember, the focus should overall be on developing an emotionally intimate relationship between the two of you.
So my overall advice for using your sexuality as power would be to subtly let him know what he is missing, but don’t let him just focus on the sex. Remind you have other worthy qualities to bring to the table, too, and that is why he should want to be in a relationship with you.
Deciphering Desires
If your ex boyfriend is in a new relationship but still staying in touch with you hoping you will fulfill his sexual desires, he has some things he needs to figure out. He needs to figure out what he wants, and honestly, there isn’t much you can do to speed up that process.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizBuffy: Welcome to the mystery that is men. I think it goes something like, they grow body hair, they lose all ability to tell you what they really want.
Willow: It doesn’t seem like a fair trade.-Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “Phases”
He has to come to his decisions on his own – all you can do is show him what he is missing out on. You should set boundaries and begin a No Contact period to show him that you mean business. You should then employ the Being There method and do what you can to get him to open up to you emotionally and make the other woman feel threatened. From there, you should also subtly do what you can to hint at your sexuality, without teasing him outright, which will only frustrate and potentially anger him.
But again, I go back to how I began this article: If your ex is coming to you in this way, what is to say that he would not do the same exact thing to you if and when you begin a new relationship?
He needs to figure himself out, but by asking you to be physically intimate with him while he is tied to another person in a relationship, I’m afraid he has already shown his true colors.
I encourage you to think about why he might be making this request of you and try to decipher what his interior motives could be, but even more so, I encourage you to do some deep soul searching and indulge in some self care. If you take some time to yourself, you may see the situation in a less intense, emotional light, and may decide after some time that dealing with your ex boyfriend’s BS isn’t worth it anymore.
Regardless of what you decide, be sure to set boundaries and stand up for yourself. Give yourself time to process, and always be true to yourself and make the decisions that will benefit you the most in the long run.
So, as usual let’s talk about your situation below in the comments.
- Tell me what your relationship was like before the breakup
- What your breakup was actually like
- And what you have done after your breakup and where are you in the Ex Recovery Program?
Our team will help you get to the bottom on if you have a good, average or low chance of getting your ex back. Together we can asses the situation and discuss what approach you should take to getting your ex back without being “the other woman” or the “sidechick.”
Anonymous
June 16, 2022 at 5:29 pm
Can someone tell me if I’m following the correct steps?
My ex and I broke up a while ago now. For over a year we remained friends and only friends no sexual relationship what so ever. About 8 months ago we started having a friends with benefits relationship. Of course my feeling were probably stronger as I still was in love with him. Then one day recently he told me he started seeing someone. I was heartbroken, but told him immediately that we could not be friends and cut contact for about 30 days. In which he reached out first in a congratulatory text. I sent a simple thank you text back , but he kept on texting me. He was very chatty and friendly. It didn’t go any further than that. Then a few days later he started reaching out in a sexual manner. I was taken back by this and it confused me. I didn’t know how to respond. I didn’t know if maybe something happens between him and his girlfriend. So I asked, without giving much detail he confirmed that they were still seeing each other. I basically told him, I will not sleep with him when he is with someone else. Am I doing everything right ? What will be my next step?
Coach Shaunna Nicol
August 5, 2022 at 5:33 pm
Hey yes you did the correct thing by setting that boundary you do not want to be the affair in this situation, you also need to consider if he is willing to behave like this then he has little respect for his girlfriend and you. If you still want him back then you need to be in the texting phase and also read about the being there method.
Pamela
September 23, 2021 at 10:49 pm
My ex is in another relationship and still wants sex with me. I still love him and he has a way with words to get me to that point. We dated for 7 1/2 years And it is hard for me to move on even though he has. His wanting to meet is getting more and more frequent.. In my heart I want to but I can’t continue doing this as it is breaking my heart what do you suggest that I do? Please help
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
October 7, 2021 at 8:40 pm
Hey Pamela, you do not sleep with your ex, do not allow him to cheat on the other woman regardless if you love him or not. Love yourself more to know that its not going to get him back fully. You need to follow a 45 day no contact rule and allow him to feel the loss of you before you start texting again – but while he is in a relationship you do not become intimate with him!
Anonymous
September 1, 2021 at 11:12 pm
My boyfriend broke up with me officially 3-years ago. We were in an on again off again relationship for 10-years. I would leave him alone because he always initiated the on and off and it never lasted past two weeks. This last breakup was different but we never stopped seeing and sleeping with each other. I discovered he was sleeping with someone else so I walked away; he came back and apologized. Found out recently he was still doing the same thing again with the same person and we ended up talking to each other. He was telling me he had nothing else going on and telling her he wasn’t talking to me at all. Now he’s angry with me and we’re not talking at all. How can he be angry with me if he’s the one that lied, called and texted me daily numerous times, staying over but it’s all my fault. I’m beyond hurt as well as pissed because he could’ve left me alone and moved on with her.
coco
June 12, 2021 at 10:07 am
I’ve being dating this guy for three months and then he breaks up with me saying I keep him uncomfortable that I’m not sexually active and that he doesn’t love me no more..we didn’t talk for like three weeks and when he bought a new dog he called me saying “I didn’t want to break the news to anyone other than you, I brought the pup home..you can come see the pup if you want to ..I’m home (in his parents house).”the family knows me as his gf..just couple of days later I saw a message on his phone saying”babe I called you earlier,”I asked him he lied about it and later told he had gf before I came to the picture ,that he can’t break up with her because she got feelings and cares about her too…and he said “nothing it’s up to you right now because nothing we say to each other is gone change anything…how we move on from here.”
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
June 13, 2021 at 3:12 pm
Well if he is still in a relationship with the other girl and not willing to end it. You walk away and let him see you are not willing to play the mistress!
Diane
May 27, 2021 at 8:19 am
I’ve been in a purely physical relationship with this guy for 2 and a half years. About 6 months ago I got the feeling he had met someone and was wanting a relationship so I ceased contact. 2 months ago he reappeared and everything went back to how it used to be, the two of us just enjoying each other’s bodies and company on a semi-regular basis. I was last with him a week ago. Last night my friend tells me she saw something on social media and followed it up and found out that he’s been in a relationship for at least 4 weeks. He’s also hidden his posts from her feed, possibly to stop her from finding out and telling me. I guess what I’m wondering is why would someone go to so much effort of hiding that he’s in a relationship just to get sex from me every once in a while when he clearly has it already with his girlfriend.
Shavonne Huck
January 16, 2021 at 7:03 pm
So my ex boyfriend is also my ex, ex boyfriend too, its a long story but for me I think to get the real answers I need, i think you need to hear it. So in high school, (i was 16) I dated my boyfriend for about 9 months, he was my first. He cheated on me so with the advice of my bf, I broke it off. I was devastated, he was my first, my first love too, I was devastated. A week later my bf, died in a car accident on her way to school, I took it hard. So her death, over powered my break up and instead if missing my ex, I grieved the death of my bf. Worst time in my life, but after a long time, I was finally ok, never saw my ex. He would would hit me up on Facebook, call my parents house, leave messages with mutual friends telling me to get ahold of him, for 15 years, I never responded once. Ran into him one time when he was married and that was it. Then he hit me up one day on Facebook, I ignored it like I normally did, but I was trying to get over a bad break up and he said he was just wanting to be friends cause we were friends first, so I responded to his message. After messaging back and forth for a week or 2, I decided to go hang out with him. I was fine the first few times we hung out, no old feelings like before at all. But then they started, he was so much different then in high-school, he surprised me on his talents and he was actually really smart which were 2 things I hadn’t seen before. I became very attracted to him. So we started dating, we were together for almost 3 years and then he dumps me. I was, I am heartbroken, I truly love him. He became my boyfriend but aldo my bf, so its like back in high school in a sense, I lost my boyfriend and my bf once again, accept this time they were the same person. He of course got another girlfriend right away, which is so hard for me, especially cause we still talk and hang out. We still of course have sex once in a while, cause I love him and I want him back. He says that he truly loves me but also wants a fresh start, what do I do. He claims he feels we will eventually marry, that we are right for each other that we are ment to be, but he needs time to figure shit out because of things that happened between us and he just wants a fresh start. Help me figure things out please. I’m so confused heart broken and not sure how to feel, act, respond or anything, especially when he’s the only one I want and tells me he loves me. I’m just lost and emotionally on a roller coaster through hell (excuse my word) but thats how I feel. So any advice or anything you could tell me to do would help me tremendously, cause I’m lost. Thank you for your time.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 18, 2021 at 5:08 pm
Hi Shavonne, so you need to stop hanging out with him and stop sleeping with him! He has a new girlfriend so your no contact needs to be 45 days, also why would you want to be with a man who is clearly not above cheating? He is telling you want you want to hear to keep you near. If you really want this man back however, your 45 days no contact needs to be strict regardless of what he tries to speak to you about. You ignore it all. And work on being Ungettable girl, as Chris mentions in his articles.
Daniella
December 30, 2020 at 1:08 am
I found this article extremely helpful and awesome! I was in a relationship for 4 years and 9 months. He broke up with me, he put some ridiculous excuses, and I found out he was with another girl (who is her boss in some way, is older than me, and she is married but not in good terms). I am 26 years old, cute, I study and work. I was devastated, I was really hurt, I thought at the very beginning it was my fault, but he gave some randoms comments when we were together, I felt weird but did not suspect anything, until now. He asked me when we were together if I will have sex with him if we break up, I immediately said no (thank God), and I said you have to earn it. So, at this point, I put the boundaries righ away, he tried to see me on social media, but has not contacted me back… So, I am really confused, what would it happen if I said yes to that question? Why does he want to have sex with me been with another girl???!!! Does not make sense to me at all!!
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 18, 2021 at 10:09 pm
Hi Daniella, its called playing the field. He wants to be able to do what ever he wants. You did the right thing and know that he’s clearly now realised your worth due to his actions. He blames you yet he was already cheating with someone else.
Louise
November 27, 2020 at 11:47 pm
I was with my ex for 3 years he broke up with me saying that he just wanted to be friends as wasn’t ready for a relationship.. I was hurt, then I found out 2 weeks later he was with another girl. He tried to keep in contact with me, she found out and she gave him an ultimation and he said he cannot be friends with me.. I have healed since but its been an emotional roller coaster and I am doing my best to move on. He tries to reach out every now and then, then recently he was flirting with me which shocked me as it seemed desperate, then he called me to apologize that he did that because he had an argument with his girlfriend.
Lynn
September 20, 2020 at 4:46 pm
Was with my ex for almost 9 years it was a very rocky relationship, he was very abusive and I have mental illness and an eating disorder that seemed to decline while I was with him. Finally after 8 years I started to progress because I started taking good meds and made some good life decisions for myself. After time I started to stray away from him because I got tired of the abuse then it seemed like whenever I got on the right meds I could tolerate it better. I found out he was talking to another girl and I let that girl know, he seemed to be very upset and told me to leave them alone well whenever the girl didn’t want to be with him. He came back to me and he seemed as though he hated me I tried my best to please him and be a good girlfriend just for him to leave me a few months later for another girl it was a same day thing. During the time he has been with her he has reached out to me several times stating how he misses me blah blah blah and I slept with him but he never left her. I went no contact for a long period of time until a few months ago and I ended up sleeping with him again. I finally told him I can’t do this….she is pregnant and now they’re engaged he claims he’s only engaged to her because she’s stressed he wants to come over and hang out the conversation leads to sex….I’m standing up for myself and but it hurts because even through the pain I still love him…idk why he’s with her if he wanted to see me the whole time
Mar
August 19, 2020 at 8:09 am
Was with a guy for 8 months was my first love. He broke up with me (August 2019) because he said he “fell out of love” but it was really because his parents didn’t like me (after knowing me for a total of 12 hours) We started hooking up again April 2020 Until July 2020. I just found out today he’s had a girlfriend (they dated previously in HS for 4 months) since July 14th 2020….and we hooked up 4 days prior!!!! He also messaged me at 4 am on Instagram asking me to come over August 1st. Why is he avidly trying to cheat on his new gf with me??? Do I tell the girl?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
August 27, 2020 at 1:07 pm
No you do not tell the girl. You stop letting your ex use you for sex. I suggest that you tell him you know he has a girlfriend and you are not willing to be a secret or the other woman for him. And then go into a 45 days No Contact, unless he ends things with the girl and is going to commit to you properly.
Dej
August 17, 2020 at 6:56 pm
Hi, I had a guy I was with for 9 months. We broke up in December 2019. He broke up with me for a girl he claims he was training at the gym. She also knew that me and him were in a relationship at the time and she just didn’t care. They got together days after the break up and now they live together with her 4 year old daughter. After the break up we would argue all the time and didn’t talk for months. We still have sex all the time. Just last week he started coming around again and spoiling me but he’s still in a relationship with this girl. He just wants the best of both worlds but it’s draining my energy. I love him a lot and would love to make things work but if he wanted to be here he would.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
August 17, 2020 at 10:38 pm
Hey Dej, stop sleeping with him now! He is being so selfish and disrespectful to you and the other girl! Realise your worth and how he is treating you less than!
Joahnna
August 7, 2020 at 9:56 am
Hi,
My boyfriend and I broke up about half a year ago. It was a 7 year relationship. We have 2 kids, unmarried.
This is how we broke up. He asked for a cool off. Saying he needed to figure things out with himself. He needed distance. I gave him that. But apparently, all that time, he’s been telling his friends that he’s single and tries to flirt with other women.
Weeks went by and he talked to me and said that he wants to make our relationship work and that he really loves me. I was overjoyed ofcourse. Then just a week after that, he called me up to really break up with me. He wouldn’t admit it but i soon found out that he met this other girl. I was devastated. They were already getting cozy when we were still together until finally he ended it with me. What’s worse is that he made it seem to all our friends that he never cheated and that it was already over between us for a while when in fact it was not.
I didnt keep contact with him after that. I was very distraught. The only times i contact him is if it’s anything regarding our children. Fast forward to now. My feelings of hurt are still there but ive managed to handle it better. I just keep thinking about my kids to keep me going. 2 weeks ago, my ex and I happen to meet each other at a gathering. After everything, he offered to take me to the bus station to get home. The bus doesnt leave for another 2 hours so he invited me to have a drive and talk. We got to talk a bit about what happened to us. And somehow it lead to us making out and sleeping together.
We talked after and both just agreed that we let out needs take over. We both viewed it as nothing serious. Merely quenching our needs.
Honestly I dont know how I should feel about waht happened. As far as I know, he’s still together with that other girl. After that happened I met him again 2 weeks after when he visited our kids. I acted indifferent and normal. But later on when we got to be alone, he suddenly pulled me close and kissed me.
I don’t wanna overthink our situation and hope. Can you help?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
August 7, 2020 at 9:55 pm
Hey Johanna, it is surprising how often this happens, its keeping you available to him. I suggest that you stop him from kissing you etc and explain that you will not be the “other woman” where he is then forced to choose the new girl or you. Which is when you then go into a limited no contact where you only speak about the children. You mentioned he comes to visit them. Make him take them out for a couple of hours, or leave him with the kids and YOU go for a coffee date. Let him worry where you are going. Do not tell him who it is with just a “friend”.
Erin
July 7, 2020 at 11:53 am
My ex wants to sleep with me but his gf isnt new theyve been together over 2 yrs….i always wanted to get back with him.
What do u think about him contacting after such a long time w a 3yr gf?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
July 7, 2020 at 6:03 pm
I think you should tell him no and do not agree to help him cheat on his girlfriend!
Jamie
June 2, 2020 at 12:13 am
I need to speak with you regarding my situation. It is a really complicated scenario.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
June 3, 2020 at 9:46 pm
Hi Jamie, if you hop over to the products section of this website there are the options to sign up for one to one coaching, purchasing the Pro and access to the Private Facebook Group. Or you can post your situation and I can get back to you
Christabell
February 19, 2020 at 11:44 am
My ex and I break up December last year, and the same month he propose to someone else
January he came asking for forgiveness, I no I cus our break up because I cheated on him, which that was the first thing he told me about when we started dating, and he cheated on me too after I cheated first and we resolve the matter, we forgive ourselves and the relationship was going on, all of a sudden he engaged someone else, he blocked me on Whatsapp and Facebook for two months, January he came back and was asking me to forgive that he doesn’t know what came over he that he can imagine his life without me, that he want to have sex with me ever since we break up he can’t have it with anyone else, I told him I made up my mind never to do that with anyone else, but I break that promise I made to myself and gave it to him, we keep talking he said his going to sort things out with the other girl, he came back to Facebook and I checked every of our memories are still there, yesterday he ask me for sex again and I refuse, he got angry and left now he has deleted his Facebook account again and I blocked all his contact on my phone
Anon
February 3, 2020 at 11:55 pm
I was seeing a guy a few months ago, we knew each other through mutual friends. He was out of state at the time when we began talking. We didn’t see each other for almost a month and everything felt great. I was excited to see him. But when came back home and it just got kind of weird. We had said that we would hang out, make all these plans, etc. but since he hasn’t been back in a while, he was extremely busy… we went out on a couple dates during the day, hung out a lot at his place, and everything seemed fine, but it never felt 100% fine. We talked everyday, he always asked how I was doing and support me through my tough days, but when I asked him where this was going he pretty much told me he wasn’t ready to commit just yet… and neither was I tbh. I had just gotten out of a long-term relationship a few months prior and I was still pretty damaged. Which leads me to how we “broke up”. I don’t know why but I was NOT trying not to come off as clingy or needy. I gave him his space when he was busy, I didn’t double text him or show up unannounced, but I craved the affection. I missed being with someone all the time, needless to say, I was incredibly lonely and us barely seeing each other made things difficult. He had to go back out of state with minimal visits, so we saw each other even less. Then there was one night I was out with friends and apparently he was back in the state and didn’t say anything to me. I was hurt, I admit and drunk. So I sent him an drunk text basically telling him I deserved better and I guess it caught him off guard because it hurt his feelings. So we took a break which turned out to be us not talking again for a 4 months or so. I slept with someone else to try and move on, but it didn’t seem to help. I couldn’t help but feel like everything was my fault. He didn’t deserve to be “yelled” at, but I also feel like he wasn’t fair to me. It’s now been 5 months and I slept with him 3 weeks ago. We were both drunk and it was the best sex, but during that very intoxicated moment, he mentioned that he was seeing someone else already. He was interrogating me asking if I was really with someone else, to which I told him I was not, because I didn’t want to be with anyone after what happened between him and I, but bottom line he was with someone else. I waited until after he fell asleep and I left. We have been keeping in contact since that night and we talk about the sex a lot. He wanted to do it again but I held my ground and told him no. Not in the situation we are in now where there is someone else involved. He respected it, but the tension was all there. We saw each other for 5 seconds and we both could barely hold ourselves together, I had to get out of the area, which I did.
I don’t know what to think. I can’t tell if he’s still into me, or he just wants me for sex. You know how you can certainly tell that someone just wants you for sex, but the way we look at each other and communicate is something completely different. Maybe I’m being blind-sighted. Please just tell me what I should do, because there is a huge part of me that wants him back, but if it’s clear and true that he has never and will never see me that way, please just tell me so I can move on. Thank you.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
February 15, 2020 at 5:40 pm
Hey there so I am sorry but I can not tell you what to do, if you want to get your ex back then this is a program that can help you do that, if you want to move on then solely focus on No Contact and the Ungettable process. This is your decision which path you choose
Lynn
January 21, 2020 at 7:20 am
In Oct. He took his Playstation tobhisbparents home and said he moved out, however he was still at the house everyday and most nights. Still said I love you everyday. In Dec it changed and he was hot and cold. He spent the week of Christmas with me and we took a 4 day vacation. New Years Eve rolled around and he was MIA. I learned that he was with someone who was home from vet school for winter break. He, apparently, has been talking to her online for about a month. The next day he came home not saying anything. A few days later I had a complete meltdown and messaged her about how he was at home with me on the days he hadnt been with her. He had seen her 5 days since she had arrived. She told him about my message and he went crazy and left. He blocked me on everything. I went into NC. 13 days later I caught him driving by my house (I believe she had returned to school). On day 16 he texted and called and stopped by, I didnt answer. His text said he needed to get his stuff. Day 17, I texted he could get his stuff I had it altogether. He came by-started by discussing our shared business. He put his arm around me and I didnt stop it. Eventually he said he couldnt touch me cuz hed want to have sex with me and we cant do that. We hung out the entire night. He left when I said I had to go to bed. Day 18 he came by again. We took a walk, hung out. Out of the blue he got up, said he shouldnt be there cuz we were not together and left. I was confused but figured Id go back to NC. An hour later he returned and said he did not want to hurt me but we could not be together again, he needs to be alone and mentally he is not in a good place. I said ok. We both started to cry and had sex. He hung out for several hours. Before he left he hugged me and said not to text him this week cuz hell want to hang with me and we cant.(i had already decided on NC before he said this) After he left I wondered if he called the girl, she goes to school in Granada and we live in Cali, a 4 hour difference. IF that’s the case why would he come back and have sex with me IF he had just spoken with her? I think hes very confused. We were together 6 years and lived together for 3.
HELP- what do I do??
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 22, 2020 at 8:38 pm
Hi Lynn, so the reason he came and slept with you that night was because he knew he could, when someone moves out – as hard as it is you need to be strong and set some boundaries that you will and wont accept. Knowing he has spoken to another woman or had your suspicions I would suggest that you stop the intimacy between you both and focus on showing him that you respect yourself more than he is right now. No sex, not even giving him an easy time. I would evne go into a no contact where you do not reach out to him at all and see if this changes his attitude. Start following the process and work on yourself. Respect yourself, love yourself and make sure that you do not settle for less than what you want for yourself
Hil
January 19, 2020 at 9:54 am
My ex and I were together for 4 years. Had known each other for about the same prior.
We both started dating while both going through messy divorces. So the beginning of our relationship was more of support for each other and friendship that turned into more.
Once we were able to freely date without the harassment from our ex’s it was then time to introduce the kids and he kept delaying it. Couldn’t do it. His kids were younger than mine and he wasn’t ready to bring another women into their lives yet. So we dated still but things got hard because I felt like the other women. So our once amazing solid connection got damaged by me being jealous that he had to split his time and we didn’t see each other as much as we had the first two years.
Finally the last year we were together we pretty much became friends with benefits. Neither of us had new relationships, we talked a lot, texted often and still had sex. But no longer did couple things or went away together anymore. He and I had this soul mate type connection, we’d do things so alike and laugh about it, we’d even come out of different rooms dressed alike unplanned of course. We would be texting each other the same things at the same time. Shop separately and find out we bought the same sneakers. Silly stuff like that. Always feeling connected. It’s like I knew how he was feeling before he said anything. We were the type with no awkward silence. He even talked about marriage.
But because of the “hiding it from the kids” we just fell apart, I wanted more and he still wasn’t ready with his kids. He continued to tell me for over a year plus after we called it off how much he loved me and on occasion I would still sleep with him. I tried to move on and he would do things to get me back but not enough to come out to his family. So I would pull away again and he’d come crawling back again. Over and over.
So I stupidly would play the yo-yo game. Thinking I could win him back.
Then recently he really moved on. Kept her a Secret from his family and kids and me. All while moving on with her he was texting me he loves me and no one can compare and will always love me and is so sorry it didn’t work out. And wanted nothing more than to be with me. we had been sleeping with each other, hanging out once in a blue moon and still talking weekly. I had not idea he had someone new.
Still saying he couldn’t because of the kids. ( I knew his kids before his divorce, we all live near each other) he was so afraid the kids and his ex would think we started before his divorce.
Then the other day he tells me he met someone and it was over with us.
I haven’t talked to him since. It’s only been a week but since then
I found out it’s been longer than he told me that he met someone one. He told me a month ago.
Come to find out he has been with this new women for 6-9 months while sleeping with me and telling me how much he loves me still. hiding it from everyone.
Why did he continue to lead me on, when he told me about this new women he then sat there for an hour and half talking about why our relationship couldn’t work. Kept blaming he was worried how his kids would react because I was part of his past. Didn’t want them to think I was the reason for his divorce. It may have looked that way but they are kids and weren’t going to think that since it had already been years since his ex and him split.
Anyway why still tell me you love me and no one compares but I can’t be with you. Why tell me I want nothing more than to be with you but too much has happened.
Why break it off and then sit there and hug me and kiss the top of my head and remind me of all the great memories? If your sleeping with someone else now and just used me for the last 6 plus months?
Why string me along the last two years just to move on and introduce her to your kids the day you came clean with me.
Just a month before we had a conversation about how he could talk to his kids about it and how great they all would get along.
Heartbroken for be strung along with connection and sex while he was with someone else. Is she a rebound or was I used? I have gone with no contact. Do I tell his new girlfriend he’s been sleeping with me all through their relationship?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 22, 2020 at 7:03 pm
Hey Hil, this sounds as if he is trying to make you feel better with the “cant be together because of this this and this” as if he has justified his actions to himself this way. I would NOT tell the other woman that he was seeing you and her at the same time, all it is going to do is make you look like a bitter ex and push them closer together, where you become their common enemy. You do not want this! You need to go into a no contact of 45 days and work on getting over the hurt you have gone through, focus on yourself and how to be happy again. Then reach out at the end of your 45 day no contact as his friend, read about the being there method, this information is on this website for you, and make sure you understand how to do it before reaching out to him.
Jen
January 17, 2020 at 4:09 am
Hi, I caught my ex meeting up with a girl he was friends with. He had been talking to her for quite some time and the first time they met up I caught them. He begged me to stay but met her again a week later so I broke up with him. I had hoped he would fight me to stay but he just kept saying he was sorry. We have a long history… we were best friends in high school and he was my high school crush. We went our separate ways after graduation and fast forward 15 years he was 6 months out of a divorce. We began talking as friends a couple months before but he was already split from his wife who cheated on him while he was in Kuwait. The day his divorce was final he asked me to move in. We had an easy relationship. Talked about everything, cooked together, cleaned together and everything seemed fine. 7 months into the relationship he pulled this stunt with the other woman. I went no contact but I was needing to get my things (beds, couches, kitchen appliances). About 2.5 weeks into NC I was at my daughters practice and he is a coach. He said he had mail for me in his truck and it’s the first time I had seen his kids since I had left. I played with the kids and got my mail and went my separate way. He began texting me that night and the next day. He was quiet a few day then called me. He had expressed interest in being friends bc we always were but I had true feelings for him. He contacted me and said if I wanted to come over he would help me load some of my belongings. When I got there he was drinking and offered me one. I drank it while we loaded my truck and then we sat down and talked like old friends. It was really nice but somewhere along the way the alcohol hit me really hard and he picked me up and carried me to the bed saying he would sleep on the couch. I said I needed to go home and he started trying to have sex with me. Saying he was jealous and didn’t want anyone else to have me. I was too drunk to leave and didnt have anyone to call. I finally got him to go to sleep and I closed the bedroom door and went to sleep myself. I had sex with him once he woke me up with what he was doing. I was pissed and left right after. He called me the next morning to ask if I was ok and I told him that could never happen again. I told him I did not verbally consent to have sex with him and he has a girlfriend and I feel like crap. He is with the woman he left me for and I do not condone cheating. I really wanted him back but I’m thinking he doesnt know which way is up let alone what he actually wants. I am in NC again and just trying to figure out where to go from here.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 18, 2020 at 4:32 am
Hi Jen read the being there method, and think if you can do that work. Spend this time in NC and let this new woman for now as they need to pass the honeymoon phase and you need to get over the cheating and hurt you went through
Kelly
December 28, 2019 at 2:50 am
I have known this guy since middle school. We went to middle school and high school together. He contacted me through fb and asked if I was divorced bc he was going through one. We started talking and I had no intentions for liking him more than a friend. As time went on we started saying. We dated for 8 months and then I noticed he was becoming a little distant the last week. He usually texts pretty fast when I text him. Well over the weekend I noticed a car at his house and he didn’t open any of my messages until that car was gone. We planned on meeting up Monday and before we shortly met up I found out the car belonged to a woman. He then texted and tried meeting me Tuesday morning for coffee and I said no. He said to give him a minute and he didn’t call me back for 2 hours and said he was heading home. Between that time I went by that woman’s house and his car was there. When I went to his house he was trying to tell me he needed things to slow down due to his divorce being done and process his new life with his kids. I confronted him about where he was at and the car. I’m surprised he said it was a female but they are just friends. I then asked where he was tonight and he said his parents. I finally said I saw his car at her house, he finally admitted it and said he was sorry that he hurt me.
I just can’t figure out why he lied to me and I told him that. I also asked if he ever cared for me and he said yes but what changed is he realized his kids need him, doesn’t want to be in a committed relationship, fear, etc. I don’t know how he lost his feelings for me in a week and now he’s seeing this other woman. What I don’t get is he looks at all my social media and if he didn’t want to be with me why look at my stuff? His divorce was finalized the day he started talking to this woman.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 2, 2020 at 11:55 pm
Hey Kelly, he’s looking because he is more than likely looking for some indication to what is going on with your life, so make sure your social media is looking Ungettable (look this term up on this website) And go into a No Contact for 45 days and work on yourself in that time, then if you want to get him back you can start doing the being there method, where you will have to read up on this method on this website too.