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Allison
November 8, 2016 at 10:50 am
So I had broken up with my 2 1/2 year relationship with my bf just a little over 3 weeks ago because he has anger issues. The time I had left was that he got angry over something little and kicked me out of his place. After I left, I felt hurt that I blocked him on all social media. I thought he would contact me and apologize for his wrongdoings but haven’t heard from him at all. After blocking him, he got the picture it was over and deleted all of our pictures/videos together. Hearing from his roommates and sister, it sounds like he’s really over saying, “fuck her, she deleted me, it’s over. Forget about it.” But I’m not sure if that’s anger talking or he’s really over. It hurts because it feels like our relationship of 2 1/2 years was a waste. I’m trying the no contact but I know he has so much pride I’ll never hear from him again. I want to contact me in a few weeks-months or so but due to his anger issues I’m scared he’all push me away.
Allison
November 11, 2016 at 5:08 pm
When he isn’t angry about something, he is a good man, treating me with respect but when he gets irritated with something, it seems like I’m not his girlfriend and yells at me. Anyways, you had mention to focus on healing and to continue even after the no contact, does that mean I should not even bother trying to approach him? I was okay in the beginning thinking I made the right decision but now feel like days are getting harder and I’m starting to regret my decision.. I miss him dearly. I want to get back with him.
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 14, 2016 at 8:34 pm
nope, it meas continuing to have your own life apart from him even after nc. If you started going to gym, dont stop. If you volunteered,continue volunteering. Made new friends? Continue seeing them and making new friends. Dont stop growing and improving..
Allison
November 8, 2016 at 10:51 am
How can I approach him?
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 11, 2016 at 4:29 pm
Hi Allison,
By anger issues, do you mean he always talks disrespectfully to you? Before thinking about how to approach to him, try doing a 30 days.. Yes, you didnt talk for weeks now, but it wasnt really focused in healing, improving doing new things and making new friends.. Do that first and continue it even after no contact..
Stephanie
November 8, 2016 at 3:53 am
I broke up with my ex four weeks ago after dating him for three months. He told me he didn’t know if he wanted to meet my parents when I asked him to come to a wedding with me. Because my family is extremely important to me I broke up with him then and there. The strange part was that he had done a lot of things over those three months that made me feel like he was serious about me, including telling me he loved me, which is why I was so surprised when he when he was scared to take things further. After I told him I didn’t want to see him anymore he called once the next day, didn’t leave a text or voice mail, and that was the last I’ve heard from him. Now I am missing him and wonder if the reason he isn’t contacting me is because he thinks I don’t want to be with him. Am I just being crazy?
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 10, 2016 at 8:16 pm
Hi Stephanie,
you may be right but whether he wants to talk to you or not, it still doesnt change the fact that he didnt want to meet your parents..are you ok with that now?
Luna
November 5, 2016 at 6:38 pm
Hi. I dated my ex for eight and a half months; I initiated the breakup towards the end of July. I had felt there wasn’t enough affection. After a couple weeks or so I had removed him from Facebook, not out of anger, out of an assumption that he wasn’t going to talk to me anymore anyway (an assumption that would be proven false). In September, I started seeing my previous ex. I decided, probably against my better judgement, for another chance with him.
Around the beginning of October, I sent my ex a friend request on Facebook because I wanted to at least stay on good terms, something I had managed to do with my previous ex’s. I wasn’t at all expecting him to message me or for me to have feelings for him again. But that’s what happened. He basically expressed regret for being aloof and not making a real connection with me, expressed having a hard time doing some of the stuff we used to do together after I left. We hung out a few times platonically. Well the break-up with the other ex happened last Friday. I decided to end things due to the fact he wants children and I don’t, and it seemed to be a ticking time bomb and I didn’t want to face a possibly inevitable future breakup down the road with him and miss my chance at getting back with my other ex.
There’s a lot of regret in everything that happened and I’m honestly scared I screwed things up. I had told my ex I wanted another chance with him and regretted having broken up to begin with. I had to clarify in another message I didn’t mean anytime soon, since my breakup had just happened. I felt I had worded things pretty well but I shouldn’t have said it so soon. When my ex and I had first started talking, he said he wanted to build off of a friendship because he wants something real. The last time we hung out, two days ago, it was pretty relaxed, he was a bit flirty, not too much. What I really want to know is, how do I continue with things? Should I go into no contact from here? Is there a chance he might want to just settle as friends?
Luna
November 7, 2016 at 4:45 pm
No, sorry, let me try to clarify better. What happened was, when I friend requested him, he started talking to me, and when he expressed regret over all that happened, that was when I casually made a comment about how things might be different if I weren’t in the relationship with the other guy. That’s when he said he wanted to build off of a friendship because he wants something real, basically a potential to move back into a relationship but starting off slowly. So from there we had hung out a few times and he’s been flirty. I should probably also mention my ex is a bit introverted and quiet. Also yesterday he messaged me asking what we are doing this upcoming Wednesday and Thursday, his days off. Since I had only just broke things off with my other ex last week, I do think that factors in to him approaching the situation differently because he doesn’t want to be a rebound. I’m really worried he may not want to move beyond friends, what should I do?
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 7, 2016 at 11:22 pm
ah well, I agree with him..take things slow. If you go out or talk to him, have fun but your priority rught now should be yourself, on finding and building yourself independently
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 7, 2016 at 12:07 am
Hi luna,
when you confessed that you wanted to try again, he said he just wanted to be friends?
Sandra
November 5, 2016 at 12:21 pm
Hi……my ex boyfriend and i dated a year ago we broke up and 6months later he came back we dated for 5months and he broke up saying am too disrespectful and nagging.I made the mistake of begging later i started NC he called m sure other was a mistake becuz texted him that i saw his miss cal wassup but he didn’t reply.As we broke up as i begged he told me he has move on.Presently i restarted the nc don’t know if i have a chance with him again.I am 21 and he is 28…..Please advice me
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 6, 2016 at 9:21 pm
Hi Sandra,
since you restarted, make the most of it. Improve yourself, make it seem like you’re moving on..
Alyssa
October 28, 2016 at 7:57 pm
Hi there,
I’ve been in a relationship for a year with a guy that I really liked, that had a crush on me and that is in my class in university. I several time broke up with him for the same reasons: he was pressuring me to meet him when sometimes I needed space for me, he was sticky, jalouse about my friends and even sometimes mad when I went out with my girlfriends. He was too confident for me sometimes and that made me felt kind of inconfortable because I am not confident at all.
Several years ago, his mom had cancer so they put a lot of money in her treatment so he had a limited budget, which I can understand, but once he asked me for money and I wasn’t feeling good about that sort of relation to kind of “support” a guy. So I told him several time to find a job, so he would not be dependant on the budget that his parents gave him and he will have extra for his hobbies. His best friends, decided that he wasn’t “wealthy” enough to be friends with them which definitely shocked me. And at this time he was really sticky because he had no friend, no money, and I felt stifled. He failed his exams because he wasn’t really into it and I decided to work with my friend because he even once told me that he wanted to drop school. He started to be really mad at me, saying that I was doing nothing for him and that he will fail because of me. So I broke up after exams.
He retook exams, and still if we were not together, I decided to help him, sending him my notes, pushing him to hire a tutor, and he succeeded all his exams. I was trying to cheer him up and support him at any case even if something I think he used words against me that were too strong.
Right after exams, I pushed him to find a job. I helped him with his first interview, then he got a second one and he was hired.
We talked on the phone because I was traveling and he said that we couldn’t be friends because he still had feelings for me and to forget me he needed to move on. So slowly I started to talk less to him, and I instaure the 3 weeks no contact rules. After that, I was still thinking a lot about him and he send me a text right after our 3 weeks no contact rule, saying that he had been promoted and that they wanted him to go to Greece for his company.
I was happy but didn’t understood why suddenly he was saying that to me.
I came back to the country for 4 days and told him that I will be there. He came back too and we meet one night. I went to his place, we talked, he said he needed me in his life and that he wanted me back forever. After this night I traveled again but we were talking, keeping in touch.
2 weeks after the “famous night” doctors found out that my sister needed to be operated from something that she was suffering off. I was scared so I called him and I told him about my sister but he wasn’t really reassuring me. I told him that I will have an interview for a company that he used to work with, and he told me to say that “my ex encourage me to ask for a job there”. I told him that I wasn’t used to call him my “ex” and he said that I should be used to it, that a relationship couldn’t be on play and pause all the time. And I asked him “what about the night when we saw each other” and he answered me “c’est la vie”.
He knew that I will be back to the country the week later and he was suppose to pick me up. So at the end of this phone call he asked me at what time I will arrive and I told him to forget about it.
Few days after he liked one of my picture on Instagram and said that I looked beautiful and sent me a private joke as well by text.
Days after, I took a flight, hoping that he would be at the airport, but when the doors opened, nobody was there for me. I started to cry.
The day after he sent me a text “hey welcome back ! hope you got in safely”. I was so disappointed I just answered “yes thanks” and he said “great”. That was Wednesday. Since, I have no news, I am scared to see him on a street, maybe with a girl, and I don’t want to see him for the first time at school because it will be also his birthday. I still have deep feelings for him but I feel hurt. I felt like he changed and I wanted to know if there is still a chance to build a healthier relationship, if he still wants me and if he is not going to throw me the “ice bucket of my life”. I still have he sweatshirt at home, that he wanted back. It’s killing me to see the time past and nothing happen.
I am scared to contact him but I don’t know if he will and if there is any chance that we go back together in a better relationship.
Please help me !
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 29, 2016 at 8:49 am
Hi Alyssa,
Even if you had three weeks of nc, you still have to take it slow once you’re back in school… You have to continually improve and heal..
although, honestly, it doesn’t sound good that it looks like dominates you because of his confidence.
the power should be equal.. And it’s like he’s verbally abusing you..
Esha
October 17, 2016 at 8:12 pm
Hi, i have been in a relationship with my bf for the last 3years though it has been a long distance relationship.He first broke up with me early in the year and i thought the main reason was the distance and failing to show him that i was committed to the relationship, a number of people assisted including his mum in talking to him and he finally saw the need to get back together with me, i finally decided to involve my family since i wanted to show him i was as committed to this relationship as he is, unfortunately things dint turn out ok with my family mainly because of he is from a different background from mine, well he was very disappointed and he ended up sulking for sometime, during then i started communicating with someone else, after sometime the guy came around and we were back on track on coming up with a way to fix this issue we are facing with my family, unfortunately after a visit i took to his place he got to see some texts that i had communicated with the other guy and just as i was leaving for home he confronted me, he then asked me to admit to him about the relationship which i did,and that is when ended the relationship. He clearly told me that he does not trust me,does not want to see me, i should never communicate to him of his family and that was the last time he was ever going to call me.I know i messed up by having some texts and entertaining this, but i really want to fix things with him, i know that i love him, and do not want to be needy at all, is there a possibility of getting him back?
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 18, 2016 at 7:45 pm
Hi Esha,
although you didnt cheat with him, I think you should follow this one:
Fix Your Relationship If You Cheated On Your Ex Boyfriend Before Its Too Late (Video)
Alice
October 13, 2016 at 4:02 pm
I’ll try to make this as short as possible as it would be a really really long story if I would go into each and every detail.
I was in 10 year long relationship until April this year. Things started getting sour on November after he got into this new professional school back in october. We had a 1 week break on January as he said he was having mixed feelings and didn’t like me as he used to, lost interest in the relationship and that we were heading different paths. After that week passed he decided he wanted to stay with me. Then later April,we broke up because he said he felt like before and I immediately started no contact.
Well, two weeks passed and he contacted me and we spoke in person. He said he regreted the breakup, that he wanted to be with me,etc. I said I needed some time to think about it and after almost two weeks I contacted him, we spoke and got back together.
About two weeks after we got back together he went to another town to begin an internship, but we saw each other almost each week on his days off and spoke by phone every day. Nevertheless, I had many rough days as the thought of what happened crossed my mind many times a day and I was afraid the he was going to feel like he used. I expressed this concern to him quite a few times and he calmed me down and even gave me something that symbolized that “ghosts” should be gone.
Fast forward to September where is internship ended and going back to 2 days after he came back, we went somewhere for a talk(where I had no expectance of anything, unlike the previous breakup where I immediately realized what was happening). Long story short, he revealed to me that he met someone there who he was starting to like and whom he had only been with twice and in the company of other people. After hearing this I said that I couldn’t be with someone who isn’t 100% into me and tried to leave.
He wanted to talk a bit more but I said that there wasn’t anything more to talk about and left. Later I got to know that he wanted to say that he still wanted to try even after feeling like this.
Unfortunately I only have common friends with him and after speaking to them after the breakup, one of them told me he chased a girl back in November when things started getting sour. It came as a bit of a shock as I wasn’t expecting anything like this from him.
A week later after the breakup we both attended the same event which I know by a common friend he wasn’t exepecting me at all to go to and got really disturbed. In fact, he told her he even thought I wasn’t going to attend the new courses I had spoken previously of and that he felt sorry for me, to which she denied. Basicaly he assumed my life was going to a halt and that I wasn’t capable of handling myself without him.
So, in that event he caught me alone and dragged me into a conversation to which he told me he was rash, he was an idiot that he loved me in “his own way”,etc. I told him I knew about the girl back in November and he said other people got it wrong, that it was her who chased him. Once again I told him I wouldn’t be with someone who wasn’t a 100% into me, meaning I wouldn’t be with him if he also liked someone else. After a few more excuses from him I said we had nothing more to talk about and left while he tried to convince me to stay and speak to him.
Next day he sends me a message saying that some things were left unsaid and that we should talk that night. I didn’t reply.
That same day I came to know by our mutual friend, that he met with this girl for dinner the night before he came back. He was supposed to come that night he had dinner with her, but I spoke with him on the phone and he said he had a dinner with some people. So, he stayed one more day because of her. He also has no idea I know of this.
Currently I have been in no contact since almost a month and I’m taking baby steps in improving myself. I know he’s been seeing a therapist as he recognizes he is not ok with his mind constantly changing back and forth. I don’t know if he ever saw her again, but I know he was supposed to meet up with her the week after we broke up. I also know he sent her a message before the event we went to and which to my knowledge she didn’t reply.
From what my friend said last week he is going through a rough patch and regretting what he has done to me.
I know I can’t make him forget this other girl and I can only control my own actions. I also know complacency led to a distance in our relationship, though we never had many fights and we got along well during the course of it.
I think we didn’t have enough time to try anew after we had got back.
Since almost a month passed should I continue with no contact to 45-60 days like it says on the on/off article or should I do more? Do you have any suggestions of what I should do?My confidence and self-esteem weren’t very big and they took a really big hit now.
Alice
November 17, 2016 at 12:49 pm
I don’t know if you last posted something regarding my question,so any feedback on that?
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 18, 2016 at 2:15 pm
Oh Chris answered it. I’ll copy paste his answer here:
Hmm… Are you fan of skyping or doing things of that nature?
I suppose you could skip the phone calls and go into the dating phase but it’s risky.
Alice
November 10, 2016 at 2:11 pm
It came to my knowledge through our common friend that my ex thinks I told him, the last time we spoke to each other(at the wedding,almost 2 months ago), to decide what he wanted and then give me a call. Which i really didn’t say. She told me he still felt confused but wanted to text me(and just doesn’t do it because he promised my friend to leave me alone) because he missed me. Knowing this and knowing that a week from today is the last day of the 60 days and his birthday,should I continue doing what I have been doing or should I somehow change my plan?Right now he must think I’m waiting for him and has the upperhand, so I can revert this situation?
Alice
November 4, 2016 at 7:04 pm
I didn’t understand the part where you say “if he gets angry, that’s still a good sign.. because that means he’s still expectinYg you to greet. Just like what Chris said in the podcast. You want him to be surprised that you didn’t. ”
Also if he wants to be my friend doesn’t it defeat the purpose of getting back together,since i’ll be friendzoned?I also don’t know if i can be friends with him.
I was in a relationship for so long that i don’t know,what do you mean with taking things slow?
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 6, 2016 at 3:38 pm
oops sorry! because if he doesnt totally care, he wouldnt be angry if you dont greet him.. And you have to let him think. Let him worry why you didnt greet him. Because it lets him miss you..
You’re just starting out as friends, and then you’ll build rapport and attraction along the way..
Taking things slow means you have start out as friends, do the push pull theory by having good conversations every time you have one and ending it yourself in high note.. not being too available by maintaining the routine you started in no contact period and maintaining yourself.. Be the ungettable girl. Be somebody that he would want to have because you’re great and yet, you’re not chasing him or crazy about him..
Alice
November 2, 2016 at 9:00 pm
So, I shouldn’t tell our common friend to tell him he has the green light to send me a message and instead wait the full 60 days and contact him myself?I know that if I contact him he would probably immediately want to talk about the relationship, so there really wouldn’t be an opportunity to “build attraction”, so I’m kind of a bit lost on this part here. I also was wondering, considering his birthday lays on the last day of no contact and I want to wait a few days before contacting him, what if he gets mad for not sending him a congrats message?
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 3, 2016 at 10:27 pm
it’s ok if he initiates a relationship talk. What matters more is how you react when he does and what he says. If he says he wants to get back together, tell the truth that you’re not ready because of what happened. You want to take things slow because you don’t trust him enough and you value yourself because you’re not a back up plan. If he really is serious, he will prove it to you.. If he says, he just wants to be friends, just agree. if he gets angry, that’s still a good sign.. because that means he’s still expectinYg you to greet. Just like what Chris said in the podcast. You want him to be surprised that you didn’t. There’s already a potential that he will treat you as a back up because he knows how much you were crazy about him.. It’s time that he starts to think you’re not that crazy about him anymore.
Alice
November 1, 2016 at 3:33 pm
So, a few days ago my ex drove past me while I was waiting for my father to pick me up. He saw me and a few seconds later turned his car around and pulled up. He was coming in my direction, but at that exact moment my dad was arriving so I said to him from afar that my dad was coming. He immediately got into his car and drove away.
I know from a common friend that he has been wanting to send me a message again saying that we should talk, but she made him promise to leave me be. I know that the conversation would be something like what he told me at the wedding that he was rash, he was an idiot, that he loved me in “his own way”,etc
Anyway, after speaking with our common friend she told me he sometimes thinks that our break up was for the best, but other times he wants to be with me. My friend thinks that he is feeling awful and all of that because that other girl he met up before we ended,wasn’t much into him, otherwise he wouldn’t even think about me. She’s also afraid that if we got back together a similar situation might happen.
Also, If my friend gave him green light I’m sure he would send me a message saying he wanted to see me. So for now,the ball is kind of in my court.
So, with all of this, do I have to restart no contact after this last event or should I let him contact me? Also, is it possible for me to do things to prevent him from wandering off again if we ever get back together again?I definately don’t want to be the backup plan(which would be a nice article “How not to be the backup plan”)
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 2, 2016 at 5:32 pm
Thank you for the suggestion! You can just continue on with the count..
if you bump into him again and he initiates a relationship talk, just
listen.. If it’s just to explain himself just listen and agree.. you don’t have to restart the count if that happens because you didn’t engage and said emotional things. You just listened..
always have your own life while being a great girlfriend.. if you see signs that he’s making you a back up plan, walk away..Him knowing that you would walk away for your standards, will make him think twice in doing something that can hurt you intentionally
Alice
October 14, 2016 at 7:30 pm
Yes, I forgot to say that I was 19 and he was 20. Well I guess in terms of improvement, at least in the physical sense, I got my first job(internship) at the beginning of the last year until last May, while he was still struggling with what he wanted to do with his life, only finding what he wanted back in November where he entered a professional school. Unfortunately he changed in some good and bad ways(he says he’seasily influenced).I find him now more confident of himself in one hand,but on the other hand I never thought he would be like this to me.
Maybe what I need the most is an internal change more than an outside one?
Anyway, what I mean with the 60 days is the 60th is the last day of no contact. Should I ignore that day altogether and don’t contact?I guess it would be kind of strange if I contacted a few days after his birthday
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 15, 2016 at 3:32 am
ah his bday is in the 60th day? Nope, dont greet him.. and yes, the change should be internal too..
check this too:
EBR 057: Birthdays And The No Contact Rule
Alice
October 14, 2016 at 12:23 pm
Why 60 days minimum?If 60 days would be the minimum,then those 60 days will fall exactly on his birthday,though if it were now I wouldn’t know if I should send him any message as I feel hurt and disappointed at him.
On another note, do you think the grass will always be greener for him?
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 14, 2016 at 4:53 pm
Because you’ve been back and forth many times, and he has already taken you for granted a lot of times.. I think you got together young right? I forgot to ask how old you both were, but it looks like, either in 20s or 30s..
There will always be someone better, that’s a fact in all relationships. That’s why you need to have the same core values. The non negotiables and at the same time, you both keep improving. In your case, he kind of started growing faster than you.. but that doesn’t mean you won’t be able to grow too right? Now is your chance..
And that means you won’t greet him because it’s in the 60 days..
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 13, 2016 at 8:06 pm
Hi Alice,
You’ve been so long together, he just saw as somebody who is probably always going to be there.. That he won’t lose.. That’s why one of the most important factors in a long term relationship is keep to improving yourself, to keep growing, so that there’s always something that makes your partner wonder and get to know you more.. I’m not saying it’s all your fault, that’s just how it is with long term relationship..
And him experiencing new things, probably made him feel the grass can be greener every time he meets someone new..
I think you should do at least 60 days..
That’s the only thing I can say actually because it looks you already know what to do..
Sandra
October 4, 2016 at 9:13 am
Hi,
I broke up with my bf of 1 year with whom we’ve been living together because I catched him flirting (and maybe cheating) with other girls. He moved out, and left me a note saying “i’m sorry”. Next day after braking up I sent him a long text telling him how much he hurt and dissapointed me with his betrail. He responded imediately saying just that he wants to meet and discuss at some point next week if that’s what we’ll both want. Have had no contact since then, it’s been 4 days already. Should I meet and discuss with him if he contacts me, or how should I react? I do want us getting back together, but I want this to happen after him feeling sorry and being willing to change and not repeat what he did.
Sandra
November 2, 2016 at 1:44 pm
First of all, thank you so much for being so supportive and responding to me!
I didn’t reach back to him, and he did it right in the third week of nc. He showed up at my house, saying he loves me and that he is very sorry for what has happened, that he’s never been as happy in his whole life as he was while we were dating. I did not put any blame on him, and we shared very emotional moments together, and confirmed i still loved him too. He said he noticed i am having a good time in my life, with going to the master’s and to the gym and that he is happy for me. He said that he doesn’t understand why he cheated, but feels that if we’re getting back together he will mess up again, and that he wanted some time alone to try figure it out, because he doesn’t want to hurt me again. Also said that every relation he had ended because of him cheating, sometimes he got back together with his exes and cheated again, but said this time he wants to have some time alone and understand himself better, and why is acting like this. He said he had a very hard time not contacting me, that he has thought every second of the day about talking and sharing things with me, but that he will keep trying to resist the urge for us to talk.
We agreed to meet next week to exchange the things left at each other’s, and further on not to keep in contact as just friends.
I do want so badly being back together with him, but I also think he has a much deeper issue with his cheating behaviour. I am not sure if he needs time to wonder around, or if he really will try to be alone and focus on work.
What can I do to not only bring him back, but also help him with this process in him not cheating again, and making him want me by his side through all this?
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 3, 2016 at 4:19 pm
that’s all up to him..The only thing you can do is say no when needed.. To continue living your life.. If you know your standards, the wrong people will leave because you wont allow them ti take advantage of you..The right people will change their bad behavior if they know that your standard is right(like no cheating)and that you are true to that standard..That if a person cheats in you, you wont sit and wait until he changes you will walk away..
Sandra
October 28, 2016 at 11:30 am
It’s now 1 month since the break up. One week after we broke up he sent me a text saying how broken he is and that he regrets causing pain to me. Next day I replyed and had a very short chat. Then late in the evening I overdid it by calling him, he texted saying he is out at the moment and cannot speak, so I freaked and acused him of not caring and having different priorities. He said he did wanted to talk. Still, he did not call back, or even texted anything from that point on, and me neither. So it’s now about 3 weeks of no contact.
I am in a much better place, emotionally, but I still miss him, and want him back in my life. I am confused on how should I manage this, or why he is not contacting me since he is the one who screwed up in the first place.
Please advice me on what my next moves should be in order to get back together with him.
Thank you very much for your answer!
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 29, 2016 at 1:46 am
he probably didn’t initiate because he’s thinking you’re going to start an argument like the last time you talked..
You have to initiate contact, but realistically don’t expect much. If he’s the one at fault and he’s not making any effort, then that can mean he just wants to move on. How much have you improved during this three weeks?
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 6, 2016 at 1:42 pm
Hi Sandra,
yes, I think you should talk first
julybornbaby
September 28, 2016 at 8:49 am
So, ive been met this boy a month ago.. 2 years older than me.. he asked my number from one of the staff in my college.. we text almost everyday n everytime.our first hangout is at the library, I know its a weird place to go for the first hangout.. the reason was I need to do my revision n he offer me to an accompany as im going there alone.. he’s very sweet, I love how naturally he was when he’s with me…after a while, I declare that I would like to call him my boyfriend.. he seems happy as he did confess me that he likes me.. he like my smile the most, n some other thing that I cant mention here.. :’) I get know that he is born as Sagittarius.. n irony that im a cancer.. emotional n logical combat.. I remembered the first time we fight.. its a small issue, I know.. just I really dont like the way he say it.. so blunt, I just cant take it.. his words hurt me.. we didnt talk for a night, then I make the first move to text him n say sorry.. we talked about the problem, wat we feel, n I know I did hurt his feeling also.. he talked wat ive done until he feel so sad for wat I did.. then we okay as usual.. since then, we’ve been fight over small issues that seem not important to him but it does for me.. n always I will be the first one to ask an apologies..*sometimes I feel like he have no reasons to fight over me, like im nobody to him.. he hate it when I ask that question.. who am I to u?? Deep down I know that I have occupied his heart but his act make me think twice.. the weird thing is we are so happy when we are seeing each other.. we never fight, we laugh, we having lunch, share the same plate, holding hands, we are just lovely.. but when come to texting or calling its just dont work.. the last fight is when I get too emotional when he said he didnt miss me.. we didnt see each other for 4 days n not texting as usual..he said that he just kidding with me.. n he said that if I want to talk to him that night just to fight, he dont interested, then he just leave.. silence, I text him, saying that I tried my best to understand him but pls dont involve feeling as his jokes.. he can joke about how stupid my fashion are, or how much I ate everyday, or even how ugly I am when I make face.. its okay, but never ever joke about my feeling or his feeling towards me.. im very truthful with my feeling towards him.. I said I love him soo much, but this is not wat I want, I just dont know why it wont work.. no reply from him.. he just read my message.. for a week we didnt talk, only then Im texting him back.. say sorry for wat I did, that im too emotional that day, that I treat him like I treat my ex before, that I have a lot of insecurities.. then he did the same.. he say sorry n he said that we should take this as a lesson.. then one again, no reply, the next day, I asked him does I let him feel so down? Then he reply yes.. I said that Im very sorry n I asked if I still in his heart.. he said he just want to be friends first.. n I right away agree with him.. I know that Im also have that commitment problem, im really a family oriented person but I need to make sure I make the right choice..he said, its okay then, if I found some guy that I like, just move on with him, n dont treat him like I treat my ex before.. I said to him that I make my own decision, its not easy for me to get along with any boy and I let him know that I still love him n value our relationship, that he’s still on my mind.. I asked whether he had found any girl that can make his face blush red like wat I did before? He said not for that reasons, he just dont feel like to have any relationship with anyone n he just want to feel calm.. that night I wish him goodnite.. he did reply the same thing but this morning, im sending him a good morning quote but he didnt reply.. do u think by any chance I can get him back.. what I should do?? Do u think no contact rule will work for this situations?? I know I need to.work out some my problem, I have jealousy issue, insecurities issues, I get too emotional, but I really love him, I know he is no filter guy and a bit harsh.. but I like the way he thinks.. logical and mature..
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 29, 2016 at 11:21 am
Hi Julybornbaby,
there’s no guarantee that no contact rule will work but if you really want to work in yourself, then it would be better to do that and focus in that instead of trying to chase him
sherry
September 25, 2016 at 3:28 am
I met a man that I believe is totally amazing. We are both older I am 51 he is 56. We had been seeing each other for 6 months, he was very persistent. He treats me very well and I love him very much. I am so confused, he tells me all the time how much he loves me, very affectionate, always holding my hand, always sending good morning text telling me how much he loves me .Have been on a few vacations, and have a couple more planned. Last week when we were getting ready to go to dinner, he grabbed me gave me a big hug and told me that he is so happy with us.. This week I noticed that he was stressed with what was going on at work. We had gotten In a disagreement when we went out, when we have a disagreement of any kind he will just shut me out. ..he hardly talked to me the next day, I gave him his space, then it continued the next day. he has done this before, and I would just leave him alone until he came out of it . he is telling me he doesn’t know if its going to work between us, he has done this before when we have a disagreement . then goes back to him being happy and on top of the world, telling me that I am the best thing has happened to him,how can he go from loving me so much, to wanting to break up a when he gets mad at me .he has me on an emotional roller coaster. Its seems like whenever we get closer, he starts having doubts and gets confused, doesn’t know what he wants. He tells me its him, its all him. He doesn’t know if he can give me what I want from our relationship. I told him he is like a ball, bouncing all over the place, he doesn’t know what he wants. , that I have a hard time understanding how he can love me so much one minute then starts to back away and what to give up the next, this has been going on for about a month and half now. I know he is truly confused, and I know he really does love me, its like he gets scared. he is truly upset with his actions and tells me he doesn’t know why he acts like this and is trying to figure it out.I told him he needs to take time to figure out what he really wants. that this unfair to me. I told him I hope he figures out what he needs, but I cant wait for him while he bounces back and forth. I love him soooo much. I hope he will figure out his confusion. I don’t know what I need to do next. will he contact me??? , should I do no contact on him. what should I do?
sherry
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 25, 2016 at 12:12 pm
Hi Sherry,
Is he a commitment phobe? The relationship is still young, so it looks like the honeymoon stage is about to end. Was there any talk about the relationship in having the need to be more serious? Not that I think that there is because with how you described it, it looks like a very happy relationship. It’s just that he seems to connect the relationship with the stress he’s experiencing in other aspects of his life. So, when did you actually last talked? And I think you need to check this one:
How To Make Your Ex Boyfriend Commit
Maria
September 18, 2016 at 10:43 pm
I broke up with my boyfriend of 10 months three weeks ago. He stopped making time for me and although we had discussed how we were drifting apart, not a lot changed. He tried to make more time for me, but instead of it being ‘us’ he would invite me to hang out with him and his best friend. His friend would leave at about 10pm and then we’d be intimate and go to sleep and that would literally be our time together. When I said I wanted ‘us’ not ‘us’ and a friend, he said he works a lot (he works 6 days a week) and he wants time with everyone. Weeks of seeing eachother twice a week, one of the time with a friend and I had enough, i broke up with him. I did it by text message, because i firstly tried to call him, but he missed my call and then replied and we messaged, and he said he wasnt free all week, so we’d have to see each other the week later. Now I feel like i’ve been impatient he does work a lot and he was in his way trying to give me what i want, but at the time i couldnt see it. I have called and text him since i sent the message, and he hasnt replied although he read them straight away. Do i have a chance to get him back? Or do you think we are done? We broke up twice before, and we both agreed we couldn’t break up and get back together again, but i miss him so much. Also in the text message, i said he didnt have time for me showing he didnt care so we didnt have a future – now i think that was really harsh. Ah! I dont know!
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 20, 2016 at 7:13 pm
Hi Maria,
You called and texted since that message, so that means you tried to tell him that you didn’t mean what you said. Maybe he’s taking his time now because he’s overwhelmed too. When was the last time you reached out? do you want to try the no contact rule?
Emily
September 13, 2016 at 1:12 am
So I dumped my ex because we weren’t really making time fore at other and because i wanted to focus on me. My friend then tried to date him, and he hurt her feelings, which i grilled him about (i was not doing well emotionally). We hadn’t really talked since. His new gf (that he got over the summer and is with now, at high school) hates me because I was telling people she was flirting with other guys. She is, but I didnt start this rumor, and told a few close knit friends of mine, which I told HIM…after she found out what class i had, then waited for me by the door and confronted me. She said after that she wants to physically fight me to her friends. I told him and he said its out of his control. Have I pushed it too far? I don’t know what to do??
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 14, 2016 at 3:29 pm
Hi Emily,
with whom? With your ex or with your friend? Actually I think your ex just doesn’t want to deal with all of the girl drama anymore. Second, if you hear any rumor about anybody else, don’t pass it on because even if you didn’t start it, it will be used against you. Talk to your friend alone, and clear it out privately.
Drea
September 12, 2016 at 8:40 pm
Just need some advice. My ex and I had a fight over 4 weeks ago. There were things that were said on my part that really pushed my ex away. He became cold and distant and I knew what I said was wrong and not ok. I had bottled all of my feelings up and it all came out at once. He hadn’t show me affection, stopped doing things with me and I became very insecure. I tried to show him and tell him that what I said wasn’t how I really felt but nothing worked. He and I got in another argument this past weekend and he basically told me he couldn’t believe how I acted that day in the previous fight. I finally said if I’m that bad then maybe we shouldn’t be together. We live together so I told him to let me know when he wanted to move out. He left for a while and came back and I asked him if he wanted to fix the relationship and he said he didn’t know but he thinks hes done. I said ok and walked away and proceeded to do what girls do when they go through a break up (crying, wanting to be left alone and so forth). He insisted that I go to a concert that I had promised to go to with a friend and I did. I got home from the concert with a note on my pillow saying that he hoped I had a good night and that he was looking forward to talking to me the next day but for that time he was going to bed and signed with I love you. The next morning I was still feeling really crappy. He said we would take it day by day and I asked if he though maybe we could work on it and he said I don’t know. The rest of the day he was nice and kind to me. We went to bed in separate beds and he came in during the night to lay with me (I didn’t ask for him to do so, he just did it.) This morning it felt more like we were friends and not exes. I just want to make this all right but I don’t know how to do the no contact when I live with him. I have texted him a couple times today. He said he was looking forward to seeing me this evening. I asked him another question regarding some house thing and he answered. Mostly I would like to get him back. I am not sure what to do to fix this even though I caused it. HELP!
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 14, 2016 at 3:04 pm
Hi Drea,
I don’t think you should do no contact.. He already said he’s willing to work it out and to just take it day by day.. why not try that first?
Britt
September 7, 2016 at 4:43 pm
Just looking for some advice, so I will try to keep this as short as possible!
anyways, i met this guy through a dating app and we were together for almost 10 months. I thought we were pretty serious, but there were always red flags that I chose to ignore. Throughout our relationship, he always told me that he wanted to move away from the state we live in and travel, and he never gave us a “title”. I never met his family and friends, but on the flip side, they all knew he was seeing someone. But despite those shady things, we still acted like a couple. We went out on dates, we were very open about one another’s past and future goals, we had taken a weekend trip together (that he planned and initiated), he had GIVEN me money to help pay for school (he told me didn’t expect me to pay it back, and to consider it an early grad present). We had even talked about our life together once I graduated school: more trips we would take, where we would end up, casually talked about a family.A couple of weeks ago, almost 3 now to be exact, we were having a conversation. He was going on about moving, so I asked him what he and I were doing relationship wise. He told me that we were “just friends” and then basically called me a glorified friend with benefits. Those weren’t his words, but that’s what he was getting at. So I ended it, saying I wanted a real commitment; he told me that while he had feelings for me, he wanted to move and wasn’t sure where he would end up, so he didn’t want to commit. He never once asked if I would be willing to carry things on with him once he moved. But, he did ask if we could still be friends and continue to talk. He seemed pretty adamant about that. So in a moment of weakness, I agreed.
A few days later, I was lonely, so I invited him over to hook up. He agreed, but then bailed because he was getting ready to go on a trip. My ego was hurt, so later that night I ended things for good. I told him all of this was too painful. And I needed space right now. Again, he asked if we could still continue to talk. Again, I agreed, but I told him I couldn’t see him for a while. He agreed. We continued to talk to each other for a couple of days. He ended up leaving that Tuesday morning for a week long diving trip. I didn’t talk to him for the whole week he was gone. I also told myself I wouldn’t initiate the conversations- if he really wanted to be friends, then he needed to put forth some effort. While he was gone, he was on Facebook the whole time. I know this, because I would stay online pretty much bating him to talk to me. Of course there would be times that he would wasn’t online for a few hours when I assume he was diving. But most of the time, he would stay online till 2 or 3 in the morning. Towards the end of his trip, around Friday/Saturday he started getting offline around midnight. But he still spent the majority of his day online. I know it’s unhealthy that I was tracking him, but at the time I felt like I was losing my mind.
When he got back from his trip, he responded to a message I had sent to him before he left. He was friendly with me. I was so angry to hear from him and I was short in my responses with him. A couple of hours later, I got on facebook and told him that I was annoyed to hear from him. And that it’s not ok to talk to me whenever it’s convenient for him. He responded back saying “i just saw that message, but ok”. Later that night after I had time to calm down and realize I had acted out, I sent him a message saying that I acted from a place of immaturity. And that I did want to be friends, and I was sorry for blowing up at him for no reason. He responded back saying it was fine, and maybe we needed some space like I had suggested earlier. I told him that I had moved on from feelings for him (which was a complete lie) and that I could, and wanted to be friends, and that I didn’t want him to think I was crazy. and for him to look back years from now and hate me. He said “ok good” and that he didn’t think i was crazy. there was no more converation after that. The next night, wanting to talk to him, but not knowing what to say, I messaged him. I asked him “so how do friends work”? Because i honestly have never been friends with someone I have dated before. His response was “IDK”. I asked him if I was bothering him, and if I needed to leave him alone. he then told me, that he met someone while he was away, and he didn’t think it was good idea for us to talk anymore. I completely lost it. I tried to remain as calm as possible, but all the pent up emotions from 9 months together just came flooding out. I asked him how 2 weeks ago he could say he had feelings for me, and was unable to make a commitment, but is willing to start dating someone in a different country. I mean, that is a whole other level of commitment right there! I asked him how we could do all of those things together and talk about the future, and it only took 2 weeks for him to just throw it all away. He never responded to my message. And instead, he proceeded to block me on facebook. He hasn’t blocked me on any other social media or my phone number, just on facebook. I sent him a text through “whatsapp” because I wasn’t sure if he had my number blocked; I told him I wanted to move forward in a positive way, and that I lashed out at him because I realized we have always been on a different page when it came to “us”. And that if he has really found someone else, then I hope he is happy. And I won’t contact him anymore. He never responded even though he read it.
Anyways, despite the fact that he didn’t want to commit, I miss him so much. We have ended things 4 times now (me ending them, all because of him not committing), and we have always gotten back together the next day. He has always come back happily. We have NEVER fought or even argued with one another. But this time, he has blocked me and won’t even speak to me. I am trying my hardest to implement the NC rule; it’s been 1 week since I sent him a message. I am still blocked on facebook, and he hasn’t tried to reach out to me in anyway. I want to give him his space, and I am hoping that with time he will reach out to me. I am also hoping that this thing with the girl in another country is just a fling/re-bound thing. I mean, he can’t possibly want to commit to a girl in another country after knowing her for one week, right? OR are he and I just a lost cause? Should I just cut my losses with this guy and move on like I said? I know this is long, but I could really use some expert advice. I am not sure why this one hurts so much.
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 9, 2016 at 8:13 am
Hi Britt,
it hurts because he knows how to make you feel good but he’s not yours..
You need to be consistent on what you say. If you say you want commitment then you have to stop giving him the benefits of a committed relationship right?
He has to see that you’re really full of it because there’s a higher possibility that he’s still going to try again.
You can try no contact as a last resort. Do 45 days, improve yourself and then after it, slowly build rapport.Don’t sleep with him until he really says he wants to commit and be exclusive now.
Liz
August 29, 2016 at 3:18 pm
I have a quick question!! It’s my ex boyfriends little sisters birthday September 1st & I got her a gift but I’m currently in NC. I was thinking of just leaving the gift on his porch. Is this ok or should I wait to give it to her?
EBR Team Member: Amor
August 31, 2016 at 9:34 am
Hi Liz,
it’s better to just wait, so that it wouldn’t start a conversation.
Danielle
June 9, 2016 at 12:31 am
I think this is a very interesting circumstance and I would love to get your feedback on this at ex bf recovery.
I met my ex- SO on a dating app and never actually met anyone else before on it but he was so persistence upon meeting me for 3 months I finally agreed to meet him in february, since we matched in december. Everything was going smoothly however we both live in different cities about 40 minutes away from each other so getting together once a week was a challenge- it ended up being around every 10 days or so. We were dating for around 4-5 months and everything was going great. I met his friends they loved me, we went out for nice dinners and drinks, and I even met his father at his childhood home. His mother and little sister were excited to meet me and things were going great, we had tentative plans for him to meet my father. Until one day at work I got an instant message from a girl who I had known to be absolutely insane, from college. She claimed to have been exclusive with my SO and wanted to let me know. At this point of time we were not exclusive so I couldn’t technically be angry with him although I let him know it was horrible to get my nose rubbed into it. After hours of explaining that they weren’t actually dating and she was actually black mailing another roommate of his- I decided to put this in the past and wanted to move forward in the relationship cautiously. Things were slow after that, and I saw him another time and things seemed to be fine after that but in the back of my mind I knew something was up. After that it was about a week and I hadn’t heard from my SO, it turned out one of his best buddies had past away. I saw him that following weekend and we had a wonderful time together and i met more friends of his at a bar. But the next day he never responded to my text message, and I didn’t hear from him in 2 weeks. I told him that I understand that he is going through a hard time and I am trying to be there for him, but I can’t be treated this way, only being reached every two weeks. We ended things on a friendly note and even chatted a little bit afterwards. This was about a week ago. I have never felt this strongly about anyone in my life before, I truly think this man is my soulmate but I have no idea how to win him back- after I broke things off with him. I am leaving for a three months to travel this summer tomorrow but we are still friends on Facebook and instagram. I am going to follow the social media tips- but I am wondering if this is even possible to win him back at this point?
I think about him everyday and my heart is absolutely broken, but I know that if I didn’t end it then there would be absolutely no hope for a healthy relationship in the future.
Waiting anxiously for your help!
Danielle
Danielle
June 17, 2016 at 9:59 pm
Thanks Amor!
Do you think there a possibility that we can get back together if I follow NCR?
He reached out to me last monday asking about my health because I had some issues.
We got into a good conversation and then I ended it. Should I do the NCR for a full 30 days?
and if so should initiate that I would like to see him again when I’m back from my travels?
Sorry for all the questions!
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 18, 2016 at 10:51 pm
we can’t guarantee that ncr will get him back but it will increase your chances..yes, you should do 30 days and reserve asking him to meet up.. do that when you’ve built enough rapport and attraction again
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 15, 2016 at 9:48 am
Hi Danielle,
if he is grieving..then you did the right thing because he has to go through it
Lizz
May 28, 2016 at 9:40 pm
So, i am in a long distance relationship and there have been many ups and downs and mini breaks in which we always end up back together. I was always the one with the doubts, finding reasons to break up and sooner or later i would feel weak and would slide back into the relationship. I have seen him a couple of times since he has been away (over 2 years) prior to him going away we did have plans of settling down, however due to his circumstances he has been left in a state of limbo, and understandably unable to promise anything except his continual feelings towards me. i will admit in the time we have been together (long distance and not- 3-4 years) he has fed my insecurities, this was mainly at the begninng when i found him subtly flirting with/ talking to other girls online however when addressed he did change- i genuinely feel he didnt see itas a big deal- i was also his first serious relationship so i guess a lot of learning was going on. So more recently we broke up as i over reacted to him going out without informing me and pretty much convinced him that we shouldnt be together, that he has wasted my time, has nothing to offer me, makes me feel insecure and that i cant trust him- following this i ignored him for a coupe of days and then sank into old patterns- however i successfully convinced him and he felt that this time i was right- therefore there was a period of distance and he seemd to have lost his fight a bit- within a month things had returned to the status quo (back together, regularly talking etc) shortly i went through a period of distress to which i did not feel i was a priority – i addressed this calmly and explained perhaps we are not suited and we need other people that can bring out the best in us. he was upset and i began no contact – i did tell him before no contact that i needed space to move on- he has always been respectful of my wishes and so did not contact me after this period i contacted him and his responses were polite and neutral- what should i do to get him back ? i have a feeling perhaps he has moved on? i feel if i dont contact him he wont initiate with me and i dont want to come across clingly especially if he has moved on?
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 31, 2016 at 6:52 am
Hi Lizz,
it is actually the hardest situation in getting an ex back..how long did you do no contact and what did you do in it? When will he be back and how often do you see each other?
Tiffany
April 5, 2016 at 2:00 pm
So i feel like I have jumped around all stages you have suggested with my ex. We broke up a year ago… and I ended it. I moved on very shortly after with a rebound guy. That I put on social media because I was feeling all honeymoonish and thought it was grand idea. After all my ex and I talked. He seemed to be okay with it and wanting me to move to be happy. So I took that as he didn’t want to be with me anymore. Well we spent 6 months in constant limbo of me trying to get back with him… him not being ready… then when I turned around and decided we are better off as friends.. within a weeks time he would want come running back and being my boyfriend… mind it was only after I initiated the first text. Then finally in January we were both on the same page.. but I found out he had became friends with one of my EX-BESTFRIENDS. I flipped… a lot… basically ending that attempt. A week later I calmed down, and was ready to forgive to move forward. Well since then he hasnt been interested in anything more than “friends.” Yet I don’t believe what he says esp. after reading some of your articles and I know he doesn’t mean that. He is testing my loyalty. He is truly afraid I am going to wake up and change my mind everyday. I can’t blame him I hurt him. He has even said “ive been really good for you, and really bad for you. Either way you have left. I just don’t know what to do anymore.” I understand through this post I need to praise him some more.. and do a lot of that communication you were talking about. But I just can’t get him to see that since January I have been here for him and haven’t changed my mind. At one point in January when I was desperately begging him to take me back I decided I needed to do a little soul searching. So I didn’t talk to him 3 weeks.. my own no contact rule I didn’t know was a thing. But I initiated the conversation…. where he mentioned “well you haven’t talked to me for three weeks.” So I know he noticed and he cares. So I haven’t had a plan when talking to him.. I can’t even tell you how often I have or haven’t reached out… But his mom got recently sick and I was there for me. He called me told me right away… I was at the bedside with her, and offered to be there if he needed anything. Well I freaked out on him again because (remember that ex friend of mine) well she was stopping by to visit his mom to … or mainly him rather. I could not believe it. I believe when he says he doesn’t want anything more than friends with her, but he is using her to get a reaction out of me. It is totally working. So we recently had a conversation about what he wanted from me. All I got was he “can’t see if getting back to the way it was.” Then it became “I just don’t want a relationship with anyone right now.” to “How can I trust you aren’t just going to wake up and change your mind again.” So obviously he is scared and hurting. By implementing the no contact rule right now is not warranted because he also stated in there “I want to hear from you no matter what it is about.”
So is my next step just start the conversation good times? and how long do you wait before you go into the heart to heart section? I feel like with him anytime before he is ready will totally push him away…. I know he is waiting to go to the state academy for his job… once he comes back from their I know he will be ready.. that is the type of man he is. But his reason for why we can’t try things before the academy is “I won’t be able to talk to anymore for two months… how are you going to handle that?” Mind you I dated him for 18 months while he was in the military… so basically he saying … How can he trust me to still stick around for 2 months without talking to him. But i have soul searched this what I want.. I know what I had now, and I know better how to appreciate… mind you I am a very impatient girl. 😉 I am looking for a way to show I am never changing my mind. The thought of us not getting our happy ending together is too much for me to live with.. I simply can’t deal.
Any advice is greatly appreciated. I will take note in the mean time to you conversation ideas. Also, note we have hung out since January we went out to dinner, and he paid. The vibes were cute like first date smiles, and warm long hugs afterwards. But I couldn’t get him to hangout with me again after that. HE let me in when his mom was sick, but then I flipped about the ex friend showing up. So now I am back to square one. He only came over to see me so I could apologize in person, which is when he stated all the quotes I have listed above.
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 8, 2016 at 9:17 am
it’s going to be harder. Actually I think the next best time to reconnect would be after he got from the 2 months in military because right now he still has that image of you being angry.. Try to continue what you’ve been doing again during nc, take a chance on reconnecting with him after a month, but if it’s not good then that means you really have to wait until he’s back.
stacy s
April 3, 2016 at 10:21 pm
I am trying to decide if I should try to get my boyfriend back.
I met my bf through an online dating site. We dated for 3 months. We have a lot of things in common and have fun together. We used to see each other 2 or 3 times a week in the beginning, then it faded to 1 time a week. I expressed my concern because we really didn’t have enough contact via phone, only 1 time a week was hard. He began calling and texting every day. He asked to be my boyfriend. I said no because we didn’t see each other enough and my expectations of a bf involved more time together. I’m a quality time type girl. As time went on I gave him an option to see me more or move on. He complied, but only for a week, before sending a text he was tired. Over our relationship he has told me stories of numerous gfs in the 2 years he’s been divorced. During our relationship he’d make comments like “lets move in together, lets get married, have our kids meet. ” I think he just tells me what he thinks i want to hear, because his actions tell a different story. I told him how much i really liked him and wanted more time together. He told me in the spring and summer, id see even less of him because of work overtime and side construction jobs. I finally told him i wanted to date other people, he was fine with it. Then a week later i told him i didn’t want to see him anymore.
Through online research i have come to the conclusion that he might be emotionally unavailable. Even after our breakup we went away for the weekend, texted every day, had sex. I finally realized that i had to envoke the no xontact rule. He texted me on two different days. One was to tell me he had a date and wanted me to know. And also that he missed me sexually. The next was to tell me his date cancelled. I never answered him. I feel i might be wasting my time because he’s emotionally unavailable. He told me he didn’t live me and never knew if hed ever feel thatcway about someone after his exwife. He’s 43 and I’m 40. Whats is your opinion of trying to get this guy back after breaking up with him?
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 4, 2016 at 1:54 pm
Hi Stacy,
If he said he didnlt love you then it’s better to move on than wait for him to love you
Ester
March 28, 2016 at 9:35 pm
I’m in my thirties and am currently in a relationship with a guy who I consider a great friend. There’s no passion, but it’s stable, we rarely fight, we communicate rationally, and we care about each other. The deeper into his personality I get though, the less it seems we have in common, which makes me increasingly less attracted to him. It’s been going on 3 years now, purposely taking it very slow, but we haven’t been able to take it to the next step, which is move in together.
We hang out 1-3 times a week, and scheduling time is annoying because we are both workaholics. It seems to make sense to solve the problem by moving in together, but he’s scared that I’m not all in 100%, which is frustrating because why else would I stay for the last three years, except out of comfort I guess, maybe his instincts are right. I enjoy his companionship most, but I’ve also been scared to move in with him because I’ve had doubts whether he is the one I actually want to settle down with. I want to shower him with the love and kindness he deserves but I hit a brick wall.
Maybe it’s the recent urge for a change and to settle down that I’ve become more and more haunted by the ghost of my ex. I dumped my ex 5 years ago and have been out of contact ever since, aside from an email here and there with a funny link, the last one sent 3 years ago, a desperate olive branch. I still miss him like crazy. In hindsight I came to realize he was the big one, the great love of my life and I made the biggest mistake. I had a taste of that crazy banana splits love and now that I have this mellow applesauce love, its harder to warm up to it.
My ex and I met in college when we were 20 and 22. It was love at first sight, and we were inseparable for 3 years, living together for most of it. He dumped me the first time because he was lost and had to figure out what to do with his life. It was very painful, and we didn’t speak for 2 years, I casually dated other people, moved away, and then we met up again randomly and fell instantly back in love. I immediately dumped the person I was with, and he left his hometown to move in with me.
Round 2, my ex and I dove back into living together for another 3 years. Things got rocky towards the end because we were living and working closely 24/7. We worked long hours, would disagree a lot, and things got personal very easily, and I cried a lot. When we both lost our jobs, life got harder, and we took each other for granted and became resentful. Instead of showing kindness and working towards a new game plan that could make us both happy, we both blew up.
We had a big screaming fight over something really small and I kicked him out of our apartment (regret). He came back to get his stuff, and that was the last time I saw him. I immediately felt relief and a huge weight off my shoulders, but he continued to mail letters for months. The sadness of him gone wouldn’t hit me right away, but would come and go in waves where I would cry for weeks and be fine for a few months, then cry for no reason, and be fine for a few years and then tear up when I hear certain songs or watch certain movies, then find the shoebox filled with all his old love letters and reread them all, become an emotional wreck.
Which makes me want to appreciate what I have now with my current bf even more, and leave my ex alone. We’ve been able to grow and rebuild quieter lives on our own for a while now, and it’s only with perspective that I can see how much he meant to me. I’m tempted often to reach out to my ex somehow in a respectful and meaningful way. A lot of lessons learned at any rate, which is why i don’t want to do anything irrational, cause more pain. I found out from a mutual friend that he’s presently single and living a happy and chill life, all the more reason to leave him alone right? But the hope! It kills me. Am I being wistfully nostalgic and will it pass or am I still hung up on my ex and will it ever go away? Do I need to tell my current boyfriend about these thoughts? This is cruel what I’m doing right? Should I just get a dog and leave everyone alone?
TLDR – the first cut is the deepest, so if u can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with?
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 3, 2016 at 5:05 am
Hi Esther,
sorry for the late reply.. For me, if the one you love doesn’t love you move on. But if you don’t love the one that loves you, be fair.. Either you give him a chance or let him find a woman that will love him back.