I know I’m stating the obvious here, but breakups hurt!

They hurt a hell of a lot. In the direct aftermath of a breakup, you will go through many stages. In fact, you probably already have experienced several.  And if your particular situation involved an ex boyfriend who hurt you over and over again, then you will be looking for ways to forget him and put that pain behind you.

So how do you forget a guy who hurt your deeply?  How do you forget your ex boyfriend who dumped you.

How do you go about forgetting a guy who cheated on you.  What about forgetting an ex boyfriend that has moved on yet once again, telling you it isn’t working for him.

The simple answer:

Forgetting your ex boyfriend is about remembering who you are and fighting to get yourself back through an ex recovery program.

I know it can be especially hard on you if this relationship seemed to have a lot of potential. How to forget a boyfriend after a breakup is never meant to be easy and part of that is because you will undoubtedly have conflicted feelings.

Part of you will feel crushed at the cruelty of the experience, thinking to yourself what could you have done to make him reject and treat you like this.  Yet another part of you will find it difficult to even imagine how you will ever forget someone completely that you still love.

Love can pull you together and tear you apart.  But there is a way to put your misery behind you.

Are You Ready To Put His Memory Behind You?

Once a breakup has begun, you may find yourself trapped within feelings.

One part of you is missing your ex boyfriend.  Another part of you can’t get over the fact that your ex boyfriend just did it to you again, turning you away or doing something that completely erodes your trust in him.

Still another part of you wants nothing more than to stop thinking about your ex boyfriend.  This part of you is more than ready to put him in the rear view mirror because when someone hurts you over and over, he isn’t worth it.

That could be the angry part inside you wanting to lash out.  But it may also be the voice that speaks the truth as well.

Somehow you have to cope with all these feelings, parse through them and come out the other side intact  It’s not easy, but it is very doable.

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 7 Ways To Forget Someone Who Hurt You Deeply

Hi, my name is Rachel and Chris asked me to share my feelings and he would include them in this post about forgetting an ex who has broken your heart.

In each of my breakups, the hardest thing for me was losing my best friend. My boyfriend always became a part of my inner circle. He was the first person I would go to when something happened in my life, good or bad. I got used to talking to him on a daily basis. Losing that connection was hard.

So what do you do when someone like your boyfriend hurts you emotionally?

How do you react when someone hurts you and he doesn’t seem to care all that much?

Is it possible to forget someone completely?  Even if you can’t get over him after a month, 1 year, or even 5 years.

1. Learn That You Don’t Need Him

In season 2 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “something bad” happens and Angel, Buffy’s boyfriend, turns evil. I’m saving you from spoilers here when I say “something bad.” Buffy and Willow talk about the breakup and loss of the Angel they know and love. Buffy says:

“It’s so weird…Every time something like this happens, my first instinct is still to run to Angel. I can’t believe it’s the same person. He’s completely different from the guy that I knew.” – Buffy, “Passion”

And it’s true. The most painful thing about a breakup is that the one person you used to run to when you were hurting is the person who hurt you. This makes the feelings of missing them even stronger.

 

But as it turns out, Buffy is strong.  She is the Ungettable Girl.  She learned that she really didn’t need her ex boyfriend because in reality, he was holding her back.  And she discovered she was holding herself back.

That’s right.  If your whole life and sense of meaning revolves around one person, then your life is incomplete.

There is no such thing as the perfect boyfriend.  And that certainly is the case if he ends up disappointing you over and over again.  Yes, forgetting him is hard to do because of the brain chemicals that have conspired against you (more on that later).

In a sense you are addicted to him.

But knowing this empowers you.  Knowing that these feelings have a half life and will soon disappear all together as you get busy doing those things that will fill you with a greater sense of balance.

And as you embrace new activities and new challenges, you will learn that forgetting your ex boyfriend happens naturally over time. No, he won’t disappear from your mind completely, but you will learn that what is important is who you really are inside and what you deserve.

2.  Embrace the Principle of No Contact If You Wish To Loosen The Grip Your Ex Has On You

If you want to forget all the bad stuff your ex boyfriend did to you, then you need to avoid contact with him. This is where using the No Contact Rule can make such a huge difference in your life. It affords you an opportunity to heal and get committed to putting an end to communications with your ex.

I won’t mislead you.  There will be a part of you that is conditioned to want to talk with him. I see so many people in our EBR Facebook Group cave on a frequent basis and break No Contact because they miss their ex. When their withdrawal gets to be unbearable, they give in and contact their ex and it usually goes nowhere because it was too soon.

So, how do Ex Recovery Pros handle missing your ex boyfriend?

Well, it helps to have support.  Pick up a copy of my ebook, “The No Contact Rulebook” to help you with how to cut the emotional ties you have with him.  Or join my Private Facebook Support Group to get endless advice and support from others who are going through what you are experiencing.

3. Understand Why You Can’t Focus On Anything Other Than Your Ex Boyfriend

Missing your ex is actually a chemical reaction in your brain. Even though it is normal, it can be overwhelming.

In my case, it felt like I would die from the pain of the heartbreak.

It feels that way… but you won’t. I just want you to know that I’ve been where you are now and I understand.

You will come back stronger and more confident than ever. Let the fact that I am here, writing this article and content with my life, serve as proof that you can do this.

Yes, someday you will view this part of life as a hiccup.

Knowing that this is a normal feeling  may be of little solace now, as I know your emotions feel anything BUT normal. But, that doesn’t make it any less true.

Everyone wants to be wanted and so letting go of those emotional ties with your ex boyfriend can be tough. But forget him you must if you wish to move forward with your life.  Now of course, you will never forget him completely.  That is impossible.  But his pull on you will lessen when you realize much of what he offered you was not positive.

After all, the guy we are talking about is the one who hurt you repeatedly, right?

Forgetting Your Ex Can Be Made More Difficult By Your Brain Chemistry

Let me clarify. It feels good to have someone in your life, but not at the expense of your emotional health, particularly if you don’t see a future with that person.

Even if you know this breakup was the right thing to do or you were the one to break up with him, it is normal to question your decision.

 “Maybe I made a mistake. Perhaps my ex boyfriend is not as horrible as I thought.”

It can be a real hit to the ego whether you instigated the breakup or not. It is natural to look for acceptance and validation from the person. Not getting the response you expected can leave you can feel rejected.

So this tendency to get pulled back in makes it difficult to forget your ex and break out of the negative breakup cycle where you separate…..then get back together gain….then he hurts you again leading you to breakup once more.  All the time you are wondering in the back of your mind did I do something to make my ex boyfriend break up with me.

In fact, there is a common pick up artist technique called “negging” that uses this technique to make the target woman seek validation from the man doing the negging. Essentially, it is the art of giving backhanded compliments to force the person to seek your approval.

In the postion you are in now, you might feel overwhelmed by your emotions. It is helpful to remind yourself what causes those emotions, the science of the brain, if you will.

Neurotransmitters cause you to crave anything that makes you feel good. That’s what causes you to go through withdrawals from your ex.

At the very least, know that you are not alone. We all face that same problem. This too shall pass.

4. Stop Thinking Your Ex Boyfriend Is Special – He Probably Isn’t

During a breakup, we all tend to idealize our relationship and see things through rose-colored glasses. We look back and focus on all the good memories – the trips, the gifts, the laughter… the sex. Those negative memories don’t seem so big since you don’t really miss those moments – the fighting, name-calling, and nights you went to bed alone and crying.

It is important to maintain a healthy perspective of your relationship. I know it is impossible to be unbiased, but you have to do try and look at both the pros and cons.

This is a component of No Contact that many people overlook because they are so obsessed with the end goal of getting their ex back. If more people took the time to evaluate their relationship from a logical standpoint, they could save themselves some time and grief later. Not to mention they would be MUCH more likely to be successful in getting their ex back.

One of the best ways to do this is to write down your thoughts and feelings in a journal

If you’ve read any of my other articles on EBR, you know I’m a huge advocate of keeping a journal.  It can help you get past any delusions you have about how your ex boyfriend was such a wonderful man.  Maybe he is not even close to measuring up.

 

5. If Somebody Is Hurting You Over and Again Then Make a List To Remind Yourself He Is Not The One

You could also do a pros/cons list to square up the facts.

If you are overwhelmed with feelings of missing your ex boyfriend, I recommend sticking to a list of all the negative aspects of the relationship.

  • Remember that time he forgot your birthday?
  • How he used to cut his toenails on the carpet and never cleaned up after?
  • How about how he always complained when the two of you made plans to have dinner with your parents?
  • How he told you once he didn’t want to have kids with you?
  • How he never says he loves you first
  • What about that time you caught him in a big lie about his whereabouts

Once you do this you will see that those glasses become a lot less rosy.

Of course, because your ex did or said some bad or unkind things does not mean that he is a bad guy.

But when you are so enamored with all your positive memories, it is good to focus a bit more on the some of his behaviors you may be pushing back from your recollection. This can give yourself a much-needed reality check.

OK…I have a quick tip for you if you are seeking to temporarily erase your man from your conscious thoughts.

If you are fighting the urge to reach out to your ex during No Contact, I suggest taking measures to maintain control. I’d lock my phone in a drawer in my desk during work hours to make it more difficult to get to.

This also made me super productive at work.

One of my good friends in the EBR Facebook Group would get home from work and throw her phone behind her couch so it would be more difficult to get to.

Overall, though, the best thing you can do to keep yourself from missing your ex is to refocus your energy on something else – yourself.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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6. How to Refocus On Something More Productive

By this point, I imagine you’ve perused the EBR site a bit and have gotten a sense of the most important steps of the EBR process.

If not, you should when you finish this article.

We have plenty of material to help you get through this difficult time.

Now while you are in your No Contact period, I want to remind you that is not just about making him miss you or putting him out of sight and out of mind.

No Contact is also vital to your recovery process. This time acts allows your ex to feel the full repercussions of your breakup. Men tend to make the decision to end a relationship a lot faster than women do, so you have to make him FEEL your absence, that is if you care to get him back.

But more importantly, No Contact acts as a reset for you.

It is a time to recover from the pain of the breakup and begin to build a new happy life for yourself so that you flourish with or without your ex.

When I went through my last breakup, I created a note on my phone titled “what to do when you miss him.” Under the title, I listed about 20 things: I put things on the list that always make me happy, I wanted to make a habit, improve, learn, try:

  • Singing
  • Watching Buffy
  • Reading
  • Hanging out with friends
  •  Cooking
  • Yoga
  • Exercise
  • Pole dancing
  • Aerial silks
  • Learning tarot
  • etc.

Anytime I started to miss my ex, I threw myself into one of these things. One day, I baked 3 dozen cookies while binge-watching “The Handmaid’s Tale.”

On another day,  I went for a jog, and read outside for an hour afterwords. I signed up for classes with friends and adopted a “yes, I’ll try anything” attitude… within reason.

As I was doing all this, an amazing thing happened.  I started to forget him.  He was not on my mind as much. And I began to miss my ex less and less when he did come to mind.

Most importantly, I began to value my self-care more. Within 6 weeks of the breakup, I knew I was going to be okay.

Instead of dreading the days ahead, I looked forward to them.

Ex or no ex, I was happy with the life I was creating for myself, and that was enough.

7. Use This New Focus to Your Advantage

So what do you do with this new “you”.

Well, if you’ve done No Contact and have put the focus back where it needs to be… on yourself, you should have a newfound sense of confidence and happiness. This will become clear to everyone around you, including new men you might wish to learn more about. I am going to assume you have had enough of your ex and he is no longer on your radar.

My friends mentioned to me that they hadn’t seen me so happy in years, which was a clear indicator that I was in a relationship that didn’t make me happy to begin with.

When you’ve worked this hard for yourself, there is something about that confidence that shines through and attracts other people to you.

Now be prepared for your ex boyfriend to try and re-enter your life.  Pinch yourself if that happens because you sure don’t want to go down the same old rabbit hole chasing an old boyfriend who hurt you way too many times.

You need to stop him in his tracks, making  it clear to him that your world didn’t stop turning when he walked out of your life.

AND, if you were utilizing social media, like we suggest, your ex will already have an idea that you have have been creating an awesome life for yourself. He may even wonder if you are making all of these changes for another guy.

Hey that is good, because if you don’t want him taking you back to a miserable cycle of breakups, then the sooner he sees that you are moving away from him emotionally, the sooner he will give up the hunt.

But be forewarned, guys like to chase so he won’t necessarily make it easy for you to forget him.  No matter how many times he has caused you pain  or no matter how often he screwed up the relationship, some men know no shame and will try to pull you in again, playing on your vulnerabilities.

You know what to say to him.  That’s right.  Say nothing.  He is a ghost to you.

Basically what I’m saying is that the absolute BEST thing you can do is to refocus your energy on something that is productive and self-serving. At the end of the day, you need to be your first priority.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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If You Do Want Him Back Then Use Emotional Control While Building Rapport

As much as I wish this wasn’t true, it’s not all downhill after No Contact. You have to keep putting in effort.

The Ex Recovery Process is hard, and a bit of an emotional roller coaster. You will likely continue to miss your ex, even once the two of you are back in contact and building rapport.

The dynamic between the two of you will be new, and you will likely miss what the two of you used to have. Those crazy emotional surges will continue to happen.

Many people say No Contact is the hardest part of the EBR process. For me it was what came after that was the most difficult.

Maintain emotional control when interacting with your ex boyfriend can be incredibly taxing.  You shouldn’t be rushing right back into how things were before.

If you had been hurt by this man and he is a repeat offender, then you need to understand the importance of throttling back your emotions.

You can’t lose it if your ex boyfriend is stupid enough to talk to you about his dating life or a new girlfriend. He will be gauging your reaction, testing you and so the best thing to do is to not give him one.

You cannot fly off the handle and lose your emotional cool.

Some tips for this:

  • The beauty of texts is that you have time to think through your response. Before you send something you may regret, think through it a couple times, and check in with yourself to confirm you are in the right mindset.
  • If you are part of the Facebook Group, get their opinion about your tactics. This will help lengthen your response time too, which will have him thinking you have something more interesting than him going on.
  • If you are out and something happens that upsets you, you can excuse yourself to the restroom to give yourself time to gain your composure. Then when you exit, redirect the conversation.
  • Have a couple alternate topics ready in your back pocket in case a topic comes up that you know could rile you up.
  • Before you text or say something that you know is coming from a place of pure emotion, think about how it will impact the big picture? Will this matter in the long run if I say it? Is there a possibility that you aren’t ready for his answer? Chances are, if it is an emotional topic for you, you shouldn’t bring it up.
  • In the early going, avoid relationship talk.  Just focus on fun talk. Don’t try to figure out the past and square everything with each other. It’s likely you would never be able to agree and most assuredly you will peel back old wounds with your ex boyfriend.
  • I cannot express how helpful it is to journal. It is a good emotional outlet so you don’t do or say something you could regret that will impede your EBR journey.

The Take Away To Forgetting Your Ex –  It’s a Return to Becoming You Again

As I have said, I know all too well the anguish that comes with a breakup and how much you miss your ex, but at the same time need to forget him, putting your boyfriend behind you.

If you take nothing else away from this article, you should know these things

  • It is normal to feel this way and it will pass in time.
  • Logical thinking , new routines and increasing your social circle are good moves during this time.
  • Learn to love yourself, date yourself, and put yourself first.
  • Redirect the energy yolu are putting into missing your ex towards something that will improve your life regardless of whether you get him back or not. You’ll be surprised at how much you discover about yourself in the process.
  • Although focusing on yourself may feel counterintuitive, it will help peak your ex’s interest and essentially help bring him back to you.
  • Maintaining control of your emotions requires thinking about how your actions or words will be received by the other person and preparing yourself for any possible response.

Now that you have this information, lets have a conversation in the comments below about your breakup. Lay out the situation and our experts will help you determine what your best next action should be and how you should apply the EBR Process for Optimal results.

Also, ask about the Facebook Group. It functions as a support group when you are struggling with missing your ex and grants you access to  some of the best one-on-one advice you could possibly get from the Ex Recovery Team.

(Note:  This post was re-written by the website owner and Relationship Coach expert, Chris Seiter on June 12, 2018.  Rachel Dalton previously contributed some of the original content.)

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33 thoughts on “Ways To Forget Your Ex Boyfriend Who Hurt You Over and Over”

  1. Avatar

    Halley Wallace

    December 3, 2020 at 1:15 am

    I am going through a break up with my ex husband, believe it or not. I am struggling with this issue more than anything j have ever encountered. We have three children together, yet, he continues to use me, take me and my children’s love, time, property, grace, and any and everything else there could possibly be for granted. Although I have the children and he doesn’t even take them out of my sight, ever, he asks me for money and never repays the debt. He lies constantly, and I was just told by multiple people who do not know eachothwr that he has been and currently is cheating on me. I am so embarrassed that I can not seem to disconnect from him that I am isolating myself, even though I know this is exactly the opposite of what I should do. Also, his patience and just attitude in general towards me is so very little… he has lost respect for me and talks terribly about me to others. Yet when he comes to my house and i see him face to face, i tell him what i am thinking and he talks me right back into opening the door, to my home and my heart, and then he proceeds to treat both like a scummy hotel room with no trash can! I have to get away. I know my children will soon if not already be negatively impacted by the toxicity of our relationship…. and I have to be as happy and healthy as i can possibly be, both for them and for me as well!! In all honesty, I sense that if I do not figure out how to be rid of him, as much as possible, it may become a life or death situation for me in some sense. Yet, here I am again…. facing the same delicate and still wrecklessly cared for situation, and I feel just as weak as I did the first time he hurt me. Please help me! What actions should I take, why and how? I am a why person. This is part of why I stayed and went back again…to understand why he was doing what he was doing to the children and to myself. At this point, however, it matters not….none at all….zero….. as to why he did it. The fact is he did, he will again, and my children and I can not stand for it any longer. I look forward to hearing from you guys! And I pray you can help me somehow to recover fully this time!!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 23, 2020 at 6:10 pm

      Hi Halley, what you described is heart breaking and the only reason you need to walk away and stay away from this man if any is FOR YOUR CHIDLREN. You are taking care of them as it is, and by the sounds of things he is just a leach to your life. Remove him, change the locks. Show your children exactly what happens when you are selfish person who does not care for their family and loved ones. It may be their dad, but they need to be taught that his actions are wrong and have consequences. Your happiness matters so that you can be an amazing parent too. I always say, how would you feel if you knew a man was treating your daughter the way your ex is treating you? If you would be hurt or angry then you need to take action for yourself too!

  2. Avatar

    Anthea

    September 8, 2020 at 12:33 pm

    How do you get over the thought of the ex spending time with the new girlfriend? He spends time with her more than he did with me. Yes, she does a lot more things with him than I did like fishing and hunting. We have been knowing and seeing each other for about 20 years. I still love him dearly and I know he never felt the same about me. I believe he just more like cared. How do I move pass the new woman in his life? This is killing me because I long for time to spend with him.

  3. Avatar

    Reina Courtney

    August 26, 2020 at 8:16 pm

    Hi,

    I’ve gone into No Contact with my Ex for Two Years after I cut ties with him. (He is awful and mean to me.) We became friends on Facebook after three years and he never really contacted me, just watching my stories. Then during quarantine he contacted me saying he miss me. Then he would disappear again afterwards. He would do it for a couple of more weeks. Texting then disappearing. I hated that I find myself waiting and waiting. It’s not doing good for my mental health and I might be compromising on my work as I’m not performing accordingly to achieve my tasks. I am so tempted to block him again but I don’t want to do that anymore. Especially that he didn’t really say that he wants me back. He just keeps on texting me every now and then with meaningless talks. We were polite in our brief talks though. But he never asks me if I’m in a relationship. I never ask him as well. I don’t want to be stuck in this viscous cycle. I did ask him if there’s something that he wants to say. He says no. He just wanted to say hi. BUT FOR GOODNESS sake he did this to me for four months. Only texting every two weeks and then would disappear again. Now he’s been missing for more than two weeks now. I see him still viewing my stories. I just want him to stop. I felt it unfair that I feel all these false hopes because after all these years I never really met someone to replace him. I’m still single. I don’t like that he still have this power over me. I am losing my mind just thinking about it and I could be losing my job too.

  4. Avatar

    Angela

    August 18, 2020 at 7:12 pm

    My ex broke up with me a month ago. He is seeing someone new. He wants a woman who is submissive and obedient, you have to be ok that he flirts with women on Facebook even if you are around. He thinks you should clean his house of he takes care of you and has sex. He devalues women horribly and i stood up for myself numerous times. But in the end I was the problem. He is seeing someone else and he says she does all of the things he wants even gave him permission to sleep with someone else while she is out of town. I have blocked him from Facebook and deleted him out of my phone. Everything he says negative is about my character. And that hurts, because now I am thinking something is wrong with me. I just want to move on with me, and never have anything to do with him.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 5, 2020 at 8:55 pm

      Hi Angela, think of it as a blessing that you broke up! He sounds like an awful person!

  5. Avatar

    Sue Minett

    August 2, 2020 at 6:59 pm

    It’s been just over a year since we split, he left me after 10 years. I was devastated even though I had wanted it to end long before that. He just recently said some more hurtful things to me, on how when we met he was in recovery and made a mistake getting in a relationship with me and I should have known better. A 10 year relationship, one year after the split and he says this now. Took away everything that I worked on myself back to devastation. Why does he want to do this?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      August 8, 2020 at 11:32 pm

      Hey Sue, I am not sure what caused him to say this to you, but ignore him and let him be toxic on his own! You focus on your own happiness and getting over the break up

  6. Avatar

    Jenna Starr

    June 19, 2020 at 4:27 am

    I’ve just been told a few days ago by my boyfriend that ‘he wasn’t feeling it’… This is after I pushed him to explain why he was withdrawn (not being affectionate). I’d had a month of mixed feelings myself, after discovering a text to his ex which said “I’ll make love to you there one day” in reference to her saying how much she missed the beach during lockdown. He told me that they were just friend’s and it was a conversation that got out of hand and he was sorry I’d seen it. He also said she’d stopped talking to him after seeing a FB post and realising he was with someone. I swept in under the carpet… But felt conflicted about whether the trust issues were too much or if I could get passed it.

    When he came to collect his stuff the next day, before going to teach his boot camp class, I told him I was glad we’d had eachother during the lockdown and that when all’s said & done, I’d miss him. He replied that we still can hang out and that I can still chat to him or get together for a bottle of wine, if I’m bored….

    He texts me later to tell me the class went well and that a photo of the clock I’d given him back, saying he already put it up (he seemed offended when I gave it back… But the truth was I never liked it really and had never got around to putting it on the wall). No ‘x’ at the end of the text. He said he’d make a better mate than a bf as I wouldn’t have to worry about what he was up to. He also added that he wouldn’t have been texting his ex in the first place if his feelings for me were stronger.

    Less then 24 hours later, I see a video of the boot camp class posted on FB…. With the ex gf in it!!! And a comment from her about how much she enjoyed it. I’m sure posting this came from a place of just not caring what I would think because he’s ‘free’ now but it seems so utterly insensitive knowing I’d see it… He’s not even touched base once to c see if I’m okay… After spending the whole lockdown together and after I’d been do forgiving. There was also another post with a pic of his dinner with the caption “meal for one : )” which is another statement… It’s like having my face rubbed in it but I don’t think he’s doing it to get a rise. I just think he couldn’t care less as I have no right to be bothered anymore.

    Anyway, I’m really hurting right now and conflicted about about cutting all ties (unfriending or blocking on FB). I’m not tempted to message him atm and my friends and family say block or unfriend him, as his not even worth staying mates with and what should I care what he thinks if I do. But I don’t want to look bitter or show a reaction. I’ve unfollowed him for now and just trying to rise above it and meet it all with silence whilst I grieve… But should I just unfreind or will I regret it??

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      July 15, 2020 at 8:11 pm

      Hi Jenna, it is up to you if you want to be done with your ex but for the mean time you need to follow a 45 day No Contact where you do not watch his social media activity at all, including the ex too. If you decide that you do not want him back in this time then you can remove him, but while you are unsure leave him on there and just let him see your posts from afar that you are doing great with yourself and not bothered about him and this OW. Then when you are done with your 45 if you want to try and get him back you then need to follow the being there method

  7. Avatar

    Lizzy

    May 26, 2020 at 5:01 pm

    Me and my ex boy friend were in 8 years relationship.We both met in college and that is how our love story started. I am a Christian and he is Muslim. His father died during our college times and he had to take up the whole responsibility of his family. After his dads death he was like this was never gonna end in marriage because of this religion difference.But I was with him and supported him since he was undergoing tough faces in his life.After the college, he told me like he was seeing a Muslim girl from my college. I literally got upset hearing this and we had a big conversation and finally he told me Sorry for doing this to me and he would stay with me. So this relationship continued again and often had discussions about marriage and finally it ended up in fights. Due to this religion differences he asked me to clear IELTS so that we could stay in Canada after marriage. So I was preparing for IELTS exam. He was jobless and finally he got his job in 2018 June in his own field as he desired. He was very happy and now he had a control of his family and manage financial issues. We were in distant relationship since he has his job in abroad. And again he wants to break up with me because of religion differences but I was not interested to do so. Finally he came up and told me that his mother has seen a girl for him and he would marry her. From there the problem got severe and I spoke with his mom about our 8 years relationship. She refused to accept me and my boyfriend never stood up by me to marry. He told he would loose his 26 years of respect he earned by marrying me.I couldn’t meet him in person since he was abroad.He called me again and told me that he would marry the girl whom his mother has seen for him and told me not to disturb him anymore. I was not okay with his decision since I always dreamt my whole life with him. He avoided me blocked me and I asked him to meet me once when he returned from abroad. He met me in the airport and we had the same love and I felt nothing changed. I tried to convince him to marry me but his answer was No again. After meeting me he went home for his holidays and met the girl whom his mother has seen for him. I tried reaching him and asked him to convince his mom about our relationship but he said it is not possible. On the other hand he was busy seeing and talking to her. When I finally came to know that one side he was ready to marry her and this side am asking him to convince his mom without knowing the real truth he is ready for the marriage I bursted out myself and spoke to his mom about our meeting in airport. Finally he got angry since I told his mom that we both met in airport and left me all alone. After the holidays he went for his work to abroad and so I too went to meet him in abroad. I tried contacting him in phone and asked sorry for telling his mom regarding the meet at airport. I went to his workplace to meet him and tried many times but he was not ready to meet or accept me in his life. I don’t know the religious differences and the logic he thinks that he would loose his respect by marrying me kills. Though I came all the way miles and miles away to meet him and rebound the relationship nothing has changed. I don’t know to overcome him since we had a beautiful relationship this 8 years. I still long to Be with him and marry him and live the same as we had those 8 years.

  8. Avatar

    Hannah

    May 8, 2020 at 8:45 am

    Me and my ex have been broken up for 7 months now. We have two children together, things seemed to be going ok on the process of getting him back and he constantly says he wants us to work and wants to come home and does talk about the future but then I feel like his not making enough effort for that to happen. He keeps putting his friends first and burying his head in work. It’s just so up and down and just don’t really know what to do anymore.

  9. Avatar

    Danielle

    April 28, 2020 at 8:24 pm

    What to do if ur ex moved on and was very toxic ??

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 29, 2020 at 8:48 pm

      Let him go, focus on healing yourself

  10. Avatar

    Amy

    April 25, 2020 at 12:42 am

    I was with my ex since my senior year of high school. So about 5 years. It was all pretty much long distance and there were red flags here and there but i always ignored them. He was my first love. 2.5 years in i found out he cheated on me and that he pretty much was the whole relationship. He told me he was ready to change and so i tried again but then he cheated on me once more. THEN i allowed him back into my life after being apart for months just to find out more truths of him being unfaithful. I finally woke up and left 6 months ago but this pain I feel is dreadful. I have constant thoughts about him potentially going back and being with a girl he cheated with and treating her the ways i always wished he’d treat me. Or just seeing him be good to someone else when i gave it my all. I don’t want to be with him and want more than anything to let him go but it’s the most difficult thing i’ve dealt with in my life. I want peace more than anything because for 5 years i have been so sad and I know it’s my fault for staying but i’m trying to take every step i can to get on track. My emotions just run on a never ending rollercoaster and it has been so mentally exhausting

  11. Avatar

    Megan

    April 9, 2020 at 2:09 pm

    I have an interesting situation. I guess everybody thinks that. I have an ex bf that I work with. The breakup happened about 6 months ago. He was still dealing with the effects of his divorce and has a history of quickly jumping from relationship to relationship since then. They are all superficial, and come to think of it, his other friendships with just people in general are as well. He doesn’t let anyone in.
    Anyway, it ended abruptly after he said he was seeing “multiple people”, and also after things had already progressed with us. I just felt betrayed, because we were building a friendship as well, and it was like none of it mattered. Like he just played the sympathy card and then dismissed me. He claims I expected too much, but at same time told me he never felt pressured by me. I never f-ing did either of those things. Now I just think he freaked out because I got too close. I told him this too and he changed the subject, which makes me think even more than I’m right. I was not able to go no contact right away since we work together. I literally had to see him almost every day since then. It’s been very tumultuous between us. He’s super hot/cold.
    He started seeing his female friend within two weeks, and she herself had just gotten out of a 7 yr relationship. So she isn’t needing much from him. I can also bet that he is able to keep doing whatever he wants, and doesn’t have to go deeper to look at himself. Is it possible they are each other’s rebound? Can it still be a rebound if they knew each before? He still has never mentioned this new girl to me, in fact makes it a point not to. I don’t want to talk about it. But I know about her. He’s been in therapy for the divorce but I still think it was just a way to get someone to listen to but not really making an effort for real change.
    We are now stuck in this Covid lockdown. Not together, however. I haven’t seen or spoken to him since March 17. The thing is, we had been doing better in the weeks prior, about 3. Starting to kind of be friends again.. We had a long hug and his arms lingered on me like he didn’t want to let go. He wanted to keep in touch over this time we are quarantined. I reached out, as I did with a few other people from work to be supportive. It’s a hard time all of us. The restaurant industry is suffering. He never responded. I reached out once more, a week later. No response. I’m wondering if he realized we still have a connection and it scared him. I guess I am going to leave it alone until we get back to work. Maybe use this time for no contact. Even though it’s delayed. There’s still a lot of pain between us. It honestly breaks my heart and I’m not sure what else to do?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 20, 2020 at 3:30 pm

      Hi Megan, while this guy is dealing with his divorce and jumping from person to person it is him not facing his own issues. While he jumps from one to the other this makes everyone he comes into short burst relationships with a rebound. Once the honeymoon phase passes and the exciting new feeling of a relationship he moves on to the next. He has openly told you he is seeing multiple people at the same time as you, and most likely with this new person too. So he has no intention of settling down soon, he is in therapy and what he goes through there you can not assume he isnt making progress. But I can imagine the fact he is not replying to you when you are reaching out is because he knows you want more than what he is ready and willing to give right now

  12. Avatar

    Paige

    March 30, 2020 at 6:12 pm

    I found out my ex boyfriend was messaging another girl 6 months prior whilst we was away travelling asia.
    I decided to back my bag and return to the uk. During this time he continued travelling.
    3.5 weeks later he messaged me saying he missed me and paid for me to fly out to bali telling me he felt it would make us stronger. When i arrived, i think we was both just so happy to see each other. Within days i noticed he was always on his phone and quite quiet at times. I felt like he had made 0 changes to show me he was “sorry” or changed.
    It just felt like nothing had happened and as if it was brushed under the carpet.
    I then found out by looking on his phone he got with someone during the time i left and messaged her saying ‘hola guapa’ whilst i was in bali. When i questioned this, he lied to me Until finally saying sorry. I agreed to just stay with him for the remaining time but in hostels and insinuated i deserved better. During this time he either barely spoke to me or kept flirting with me/being affectionate.
    When we got back to the uk together. I took 24 hours to myself and decided to message asking for clarity. In this message i said i deserved better but if hes willing to change then i can see a future.
    What i got back is he felt bali didnt go as expected and he didnt want to hurt me no more.
    Im aware i deserve more but im just so upset someone can be so confusing and toxic.

  13. Avatar

    Where’s my Dog

    March 22, 2020 at 6:52 am

    My ex & I were best friends for years. He pursued me for sometime, and we both had some insecurities to start. He became a daily fixture in my son & I’s lives and eventually, we became official after long time of me avoiding labels (trust issues from my past). I wanted to make sure this person would be there for my son as well as me. I went all in, and my guess is that at this point Ex was less invested. Fast forward three years, I received an amazing opportunity on the opposite coast. Due to both of us having big commitments that would keep us separate for the moment, he said all would be well. Not to worry about our lease, he would take care of my dog while I was away etc. He didn’t travel with us for our move as he had a work commitment ( I later found out he could have adjusted it). He visited a few weeks later and it was really awkward and he seemed despondent. It took me calling him out for the next three weeks before getting a text message break up. After 8 years of giving my entire life to this person. It’s been about a year and a half, now we’re in the same city and he’s refusing to give me my dog back and claims to care deeply. Didn’t help that I jumped into a relationship with a long term friend quickly after our break up, I honestly think my brain broke and I was and am very depressed over it all. Ex says he wants to be friends but still keeps me at arms length (just like when we dated. He’s a legit workaholic). Despite everything, I want to trust him but he repeatedly says one thing and does another. This was a lot of what happened in our relationship. How is it I still love this person? What the hell??

  14. Avatar

    Gee

    February 18, 2020 at 9:44 am

    My ex was awful to live with for a year running up to the split. Everything was my fault, his business not succeeding – my fault, his daughter wasn’t happy – my fault, the dishwasher hadn’t cleaned the dishes ….my fault. Sounds simple but its like Chinese water torture. We had massive arguments about nothing! He wanted out ….I wanted to work through our problems …I know now its his problems.

    It was in this time period he announced he didn’t want to marry me or have anymore children. He even added, ‘if he met the right women he would’ …..he just wanted to hurt me. Im 41 (he’s 43) so its game over for me. I feel like he dangled a carrot for 3.5 years and then just left when he’d sucked the life out of me.

    We relocated to a new city and he walked out on me two weeks later, ended the relationship by text! I was then signed into a 6 month rental contract and stuck in this new city, where I knew no one! My son was settled in a new school so I am now living here for the next 8 years.

    He moved home and bought himself a house…rang me up and said ‘its all about me and my daughter now’ you have to get on with yours! So I did …and guess what …he wanted me back….Ive just spent 6 months with him blowing hot and cold on me, such a confusing time and again more arguments. We’ve tried relationship therapy, but it just ended up being an hours worth of arguing every-time….. We even attended his aunties wedding and then 4 days later he slept with someone else (destroyed me) …he announced to me, it was none of my business and i don’t own him. We have had sex on and off …..he even slept with me a few times and didn’t ring for a week or two….so hurt each-time. He knows im lonely all my friends live 300 miles from here.

    Every-time I pull away, he cries and says he doesn’t want to loose me! Wants to work through things and get more therapy etc So I agreed that he came and spent a weekend with me and we would do fun things together. We both love cycling, so i worked out a route of around 35 miles ….I loved it, he wanted to go back to the house (he was bored), I took him out for cocktails ….he took me out for food …but the sparks gone. It wasn’t a fun weekend, i felt like i was going through the motions of a relationship.

    So im now in NO CONTACT after finding your site…..I think its been 11 days now and im starting to feel less hurt and confused. I am getting horrible flash backs though….The silence is giving me a birds eye view of events and its not a good view!!

    He could be depressed! He could also be Narcotic …I have no idea!

    Thank You for this site you saved me from a crazy making relationship. xx

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 26, 2020 at 10:33 pm

      Hi Gee, it sounds as if you had a lucky escape and that you realise your worth so most definitely use this website and the information about Ungettable Girl to work on getting over the difficult times your ex put you through

  15. Avatar

    Jay

    January 24, 2020 at 12:48 am

    I met this guy at the university during my 1st year second semester. He was in his 2nd year. We started dating and on the day of our 1st anniversary, I realised he was hiding and deleting chats. I confronted him and since that day, we had issues until he asked for a breakup. We dated for 2 and half years. I gave him my money, supported his graphic design business and all i got was him cheating on me and treating me like an option. He broke up after completing school. I paid for his national service registration and this was my reward. We were very cool as at that time. I was very hurt when he broke up with me so I blocked him everywhere possible to get over him. He called me to allow him to atleast check up on me. I thought he’d come back but all he does is checking up. Last night he said harsh and terrible things to me and I’ve cried all night. He always make me look bad but I still love him and don’t know what to do. I’m in my final year now

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 24, 2020 at 11:33 am

      Hi Jay, the way he has treated you is awful and then to blame you is even worse! Learn that he has abused your kindness and you just need to block him and no longer speak with this person as he is going to continue to take advantage of your kindness and willingness to do things for him. Read the articles about being Ungettable and make sure you look after yourself for some time!

  16. Avatar

    Regan B

    January 13, 2020 at 7:35 am

    I have a toxic ex who I recently began seeing and intimate with again. After we broke up the first time I slept with another person shortly after, and even though we were not together (because he had ended things- which he did about every other day or so) he sees it as cheating. Now, he is terrible to me and puts me down even more then when we were together. I am so depressed and unstable and he enjoys me being upset because then I will “know how it feels” even though our entire relationship he cheated multiple times just not physically. He punishes me with lack of contact at times after weeks of us being extremely close if I mention-while he is attacking-for it that we were not together. Our relationship is extremely toxic but I am so so weak and I almost must enjoy crying all day every day and being put down by him because I CANNOT let him go. He shows no emotion and gets angry when I cry and has for our (entire 2 years of dating) and I’m highly sensitive and he is cold. When we ended and he cut off contact I got back to my old self again now we had been sleeping together I lost 40 pounds again, can’t sleep, cry constantly, feel so disgusted with myself and feel worthless. But CANNOT let him go. Please a huge sos over here I’m miserable, lonely, betrayed, scared, pathetic and depressed. Any advice or tips, anything at all would mean the world to me, feel free to contact me or ask any questions at all. Really looking for a helping hand I have no support system and work nightshift and basically have no social interaction or contact.

    Sincerely,

    Pathetic weepy sad mess

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 18, 2020 at 4:22 am

      Hey Regan if you find that your ex is toxic then you do really need to move on. Moving on from someone who has treated you poorly is much harder than people realise as we start to get addicted to the need for them to be nice to us. What you need to do is block this person on all medias and focus solely on how to get over them and how to build yourself up again. Acknowledge that you are going to take time and it is work that sometimes you feel you cant do, but you really can! Look up the post about the Ungettable on this website, this is essentially what you are goign to do but without the end goal getting your ex back. Make sure you force yourself to go to work every day, eat healthily and get as much outdoor fresh air as you can because this works wonders for us! Find things that relax you, personally I love reading and drawing, find things that get your endorphines going, even if its a brisk walk outside. Spend some time solely focused on loving yourself.

  17. Avatar

    Jaime

    November 11, 2019 at 6:25 pm

    Hi Chris,

    In June, my boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me. We kept in touch for a couple months then I implemented no contact for 30 days. I re-established contact after the 30 days because we were about to attend a friends wedding together and we wanted to make sure we were in a good place in such a close setting. We ended up meeting up and hooking up afterwards. Since the wedding we’ve slowly starting seeing each other again, and yesterday he said he wanted us to spend time apart. I don’t know what to do. I’m supposed to stop by his house to pick up the rest of my things and I can’t decide if I should move on or try another no contact period. Any advice would be wonderful.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 12, 2019 at 8:11 pm

      Hi Jamie, so it sounds like hes gotten scared of the way thing are going. So I would pull back slightly and do another NC and slow it right down. DO NOT sleep with him again until you are in a relationship

  18. Avatar

    Freida

    July 13, 2019 at 8:11 am

    Hi Chris-
    My ex boyfriend really hurt my feelings, let me down and I am definitely trying to move on. Also ran into him with new girlfriend which is extremely conclusive to me that he has totally moved on.
    My problem is a friend who has a “boyfriend” who basically she goes on and on about. However this man has many of the hallmarks of my ex – there but not there. They are “seeing” one another for over 10 years and there is no marriage. Also, to me, she is engendering the relationship with qualities that are not there. I do not want to hurt my girlfriend’s feelings but I do not know how to tell her “please don’t talk to me about your boyfriend anymore”.
    The reason is because her elevation of this this man to a status he does not have (and she doesn’t either) makes me think about my ex all the time (he did string me along for quite a while
    – but definitely not 10 years!)
    Also, my ex was a guy who knew my friends, I knew his friends, we socialized together, etc.
    How can I get her to stop talking about this guy? Her relationship is so dysfunctional, somehow it always brings my ex mind, and that is not healthy for me.
    What should I say to her? “Please don’t mention your pretend boyfriend anymore” is too cruel, but it’s the truth.
    They never go out on dates, don’t have overnight dates, he makes plans for his future that don’t include her (like moving to another State). I listen to her and I know she is “hopeful” so I don’t want to hurt her feelings. She may just live in that fantasy forever.
    I’d just like to let her know that every time she speaks his name it reminds me of my ex all over again, which is not healthy for me.
    I really don’t care what she does with her guy (personally I would never “date” a man for 10 years and not marry him – they see each other 2 times per month – that would not be me). I do not want her to feel I am judging her, I just want to protect myself.
    So how do I get her to never mention his name to me? I have never met him and she has not even met his family and he has not met any of her family or friends. He is not in a similar work or social circle and it is unlikely I will ever meet him.
    Frankly, I think the guy is a loser and she is hanging on to the few shreds of
    affection he gives her. I suspect he will never “go all in”. We are all middle aged people and her narrative of her “love life” depresses me.
    Sort of like listening to a person who is dating a married man. Very dysfunctional and sends my mind in a bad direction.
    How can I put it to her? I don’t want to hear about this guy anymore. It’s not good for me to listen to her glamorize what is, to me, such a marginal relationship. If it’s good for her – great. I just don’t want to hear about it anymore as it disturbs me.
    Thanks for your reply.

  19. Avatar

    Rod

    July 5, 2019 at 1:40 pm

    I was her rebound. 4 months intense relationship until she dumped me. I waited 4 weeks and contacted her to have a chat. Very friendly at first and I went for the kiss which she declined. Then asked if we could start over….declined too. I had erased her cel phone and I asked for it for keeping in touch…..told me she would call me….of course she hasn’t in 2 weeks. So i went nc and in a firm commitment to ban her out of my mind. Chances of getting her back are almost zero i believe

  20. Avatar

    Olivia

    September 3, 2018 at 9:26 pm

    I’m going to try and keep this as short as I possibly can, I guess this is more for venting (it helps). I started dating a guy around May of last year (he just turned 26 and I just turned 20). We instantly clicked, loved all of the same things, and we were both head over heels in love. But, I rushed into the relationship after just being out of a 2 year relationship with my former ex. I thought I was ready to move on from my ex, but I guess I wasn’t. I kept in contact with him while we were dating because he was begging for me back and I felt horrible, but kept rejecting him as I was happy with this new guy. Well, my boyfriend at the time found out I was talking to him and was pretty devastated. He said he couldn’t trust me anymore, but forgave me and we kept dating.
    Our relationship lasted around 4 months total – he broke up with me in October, and then he abruptly broke things off with me saying he was going to be “too busy to see me”. Then he used another excuse saying that he just didn’t feel the same about me anymore…and then I found out just three weeks after he broke up with me, he was dating his ex again. I was heartbroken. It took me a good two months to get over him, but I can honestly say I was happy again. I didn’t hear from him or talk to him until he randomly messaged me in the middle of January. I guess he had split with his ex because he “couldn’t stop thinking about me” and he felt really bad about how he ended things with me. I was really cautious at first and honestly very angry with him. I had moved on from him and felt indifferent at that point so I forgave him. We met up and it took a while, but we did get back together. He admitted initially he didn’t think we were the right fit for each other and had a hard time trusting me, so he felt he had to end things but swore he’d stick around this time.
    Come just a couple of months later, he dumped me again for the second time. He said that he just couldn’t be fully happy with me and that he’s tried but he just doesn’t feel we’re right for each other. I was SHOCKED. A few days prior to the breakup, he had been a little distant. He suffers from depression and anxiety and has very low self esteem issues, so his mind is always clouded. He hates his job and doesn’t feel like he’s where he should be success wise in his life and it takes a huge toll on him. So, he broke up with me for the second time and it was rough but I moved on. I knew I wasn’t the reason for his unhappiness because I tried everything to make him happy.
    A short month later, I was the one who reached out to him. I wanted to check in and see how he was because despite all the hurt, I still cared. He ended up picking me up from the airport one late night when I was home from a trip and we got food and later on he confessed he’s been a mess and he really misses me. I didn’t even know what to think, but I ended up giving him one last chance. He promised he’d do anything to redeem himself and show me that he was here for me through anything.
    Well, we only dated for 2 short months. We spent a lot of time together, almost every day. Went on a few trips together. And then we had a blowout in mid-July…I had some awesome news about my work come up and he basically dissed it. He was happy but it was the fake kind of happy. We had a huge fight at his parents get together and I ended up leaving – it was awful. My family got involved and his did too and there’s a lot of awkwardness. I really don’t think there’s any coming back from this at all. And not too sure if I even want that. We’ve been trying to hangout the past three days, but every time he said he would come over – he’s bailed. Saying that he shouldn’t come over because it’ll only create more pain for us.
    Every time he breaks it off with me, it’s always the same story. He doesn’t feel the same, we aren’t right for each other, I’ll be better without him, we’re too “broken” to fix. It sucks and the worst part is I’m left feeling helpless. Worst of all, I beg him to stay. It’s now been two months since he dumped me again, but we’ve talked pretty much every day since (mainly because I initiate it). I have a hard time letting go and I’ve tried everything possible to fight for him. I’ve been fighting for him for almost two months now. But, it’s like he has this weird control over me and the worst thing is I feel like he likes having that power. He feels so low about himself and I feel like he feels better when he has me begging for him. Any thoughts? I can’t seem to get over him or stop communicating with him.

    Again, I apologize for the rant !

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 4, 2018 at 9:37 pm

      Its true Olivia….writing these down and getting it out can be therapeutic. So no need to apologize for your “rant”!!

      Always best to be guided by an ex recovery plan. A lot is going on her with your case. Check out my program in more detail (see my home page for details).

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