I know I’m stating the obvious here, but breakups hurt!
They hurt a hell of a lot. In the direct aftermath of a breakup, you will go through many stages. In fact, you probably already have experienced several. And if your particular situation involved an ex boyfriend who hurt you over and over again, then you will be looking for ways to forget him and put that pain behind you.
So how do you forget a guy who hurt your deeply? How do you forget your ex boyfriend who dumped you.
How do you go about forgetting a guy who cheated on you. What about forgetting an ex boyfriend that has moved on yet once again, telling you it isn’t working for him.
The simple answer:
Forgetting your ex boyfriend is about remembering who you are and fighting to get yourself back through an ex recovery program.
I know it can be especially hard on you if this relationship seemed to have a lot of potential. How to forget a boyfriend after a breakup is never meant to be easy and part of that is because you will undoubtedly have conflicted feelings.
Part of you will feel crushed at the cruelty of the experience, thinking to yourself what could you have done to make him reject and treat you like this. Yet another part of you will find it difficult to even imagine how you will ever forget someone completely that you still love.
Love can pull you together and tear you apart. But there is a way to put your misery behind you.
Are You Ready To Put His Memory Behind You?
Once a breakup has begun, you may find yourself trapped within feelings.
One part of you is missing your ex boyfriend. Another part of you can’t get over the fact that your ex boyfriend just did it to you again, turning you away or doing something that completely erodes your trust in him.
Still another part of you wants nothing more than to stop thinking about your ex boyfriend. This part of you is more than ready to put him in the rear view mirror because when someone hurts you over and over, he isn’t worth it.
That could be the angry part inside you wanting to lash out. But it may also be the voice that speaks the truth as well.
Somehow you have to cope with all these feelings, parse through them and come out the other side intact It’s not easy, but it is very doable.
7 Ways To Forget Someone Who Hurt You Deeply
Hi, my name is Rachel and Chris asked me to share my feelings and he would include them in this post about forgetting an ex who has broken your heart.
In each of my breakups, the hardest thing for me was losing my best friend. My boyfriend always became a part of my inner circle. He was the first person I would go to when something happened in my life, good or bad. I got used to talking to him on a daily basis. Losing that connection was hard.
So what do you do when someone like your boyfriend hurts you emotionally?
How do you react when someone hurts you and he doesn’t seem to care all that much?
Is it possible to forget someone completely? Even if you can’t get over him after a month, 1 year, or even 5 years.
1. Learn That You Don’t Need Him
In season 2 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “something bad” happens and Angel, Buffy’s boyfriend, turns evil. I’m saving you from spoilers here when I say “something bad.” Buffy and Willow talk about the breakup and loss of the Angel they know and love. Buffy says:
“It’s so weird…Every time something like this happens, my first instinct is still to run to Angel. I can’t believe it’s the same person. He’s completely different from the guy that I knew.” – Buffy, “Passion”
And it’s true. The most painful thing about a breakup is that the one person you used to run to when you were hurting is the person who hurt you. This makes the feelings of missing them even stronger.
But as it turns out, Buffy is strong. She is the Ungettable Girl. She learned that she really didn’t need her ex boyfriend because in reality, he was holding her back. And she discovered she was holding herself back.
That’s right. If your whole life and sense of meaning revolves around one person, then your life is incomplete.
There is no such thing as the perfect boyfriend. And that certainly is the case if he ends up disappointing you over and over again. Yes, forgetting him is hard to do because of the brain chemicals that have conspired against you (more on that later).
In a sense you are addicted to him.
But knowing this empowers you. Knowing that these feelings have a half life and will soon disappear all together as you get busy doing those things that will fill you with a greater sense of balance.
And as you embrace new activities and new challenges, you will learn that forgetting your ex boyfriend happens naturally over time. No, he won’t disappear from your mind completely, but you will learn that what is important is who you really are inside and what you deserve.
2. Embrace the Principle of No Contact If You Wish To Loosen The Grip Your Ex Has On You
If you want to forget all the bad stuff your ex boyfriend did to you, then you need to avoid contact with him. This is where using the No Contact Rule can make such a huge difference in your life. It affords you an opportunity to heal and get committed to putting an end to communications with your ex.
I won’t mislead you. There will be a part of you that is conditioned to want to talk with him. I see so many people in our EBR Facebook Group cave on a frequent basis and break No Contact because they miss their ex. When their withdrawal gets to be unbearable, they give in and contact their ex and it usually goes nowhere because it was too soon.
So, how do Ex Recovery Pros handle missing your ex boyfriend?
Well, it helps to have support. Pick up a copy of my ebook, “The No Contact Rulebook” to help you with how to cut the emotional ties you have with him. Or join my Private Facebook Support Group to get endless advice and support from others who are going through what you are experiencing.
3. Understand Why You Can’t Focus On Anything Other Than Your Ex Boyfriend
Missing your ex is actually a chemical reaction in your brain. Even though it is normal, it can be overwhelming.
In my case, it felt like I would die from the pain of the heartbreak.
It feels that way… but you won’t. I just want you to know that I’ve been where you are now and I understand.
You will come back stronger and more confident than ever. Let the fact that I am here, writing this article and content with my life, serve as proof that you can do this.
Yes, someday you will view this part of life as a hiccup.
Knowing that this is a normal feeling may be of little solace now, as I know your emotions feel anything BUT normal. But, that doesn’t make it any less true.
Everyone wants to be wanted and so letting go of those emotional ties with your ex boyfriend can be tough. But forget him you must if you wish to move forward with your life. Now of course, you will never forget him completely. That is impossible. But his pull on you will lessen when you realize much of what he offered you was not positive.
After all, the guy we are talking about is the one who hurt you repeatedly, right?
Forgetting Your Ex Can Be Made More Difficult By Your Brain Chemistry
Let me clarify. It feels good to have someone in your life, but not at the expense of your emotional health, particularly if you don’t see a future with that person.
Even if you know this breakup was the right thing to do or you were the one to break up with him, it is normal to question your decision.
“Maybe I made a mistake. Perhaps my ex boyfriend is not as horrible as I thought.”
It can be a real hit to the ego whether you instigated the breakup or not. It is natural to look for acceptance and validation from the person. Not getting the response you expected can leave you can feel rejected.
So this tendency to get pulled back in makes it difficult to forget your ex and break out of the negative breakup cycle where you separate…..then get back together gain….then he hurts you again leading you to breakup once more. All the time you are wondering in the back of your mind did I do something to make my ex boyfriend break up with me.
In fact, there is a common pick up artist technique called “negging” that uses this technique to make the target woman seek validation from the man doing the negging. Essentially, it is the art of giving backhanded compliments to force the person to seek your approval.
In the postion you are in now, you might feel overwhelmed by your emotions. It is helpful to remind yourself what causes those emotions, the science of the brain, if you will.
Neurotransmitters cause you to crave anything that makes you feel good. That’s what causes you to go through withdrawals from your ex.
At the very least, know that you are not alone. We all face that same problem. This too shall pass.
4. Stop Thinking Your Ex Boyfriend Is Special – He Probably Isn’t
During a breakup, we all tend to idealize our relationship and see things through rose-colored glasses. We look back and focus on all the good memories – the trips, the gifts, the laughter… the sex. Those negative memories don’t seem so big since you don’t really miss those moments – the fighting, name-calling, and nights you went to bed alone and crying.
It is important to maintain a healthy perspective of your relationship. I know it is impossible to be unbiased, but you have to do try and look at both the pros and cons.
This is a component of No Contact that many people overlook because they are so obsessed with the end goal of getting their ex back. If more people took the time to evaluate their relationship from a logical standpoint, they could save themselves some time and grief later. Not to mention they would be MUCH more likely to be successful in getting their ex back.
One of the best ways to do this is to write down your thoughts and feelings in a journal
If you’ve read any of my other articles on EBR, you know I’m a huge advocate of keeping a journal. It can help you get past any delusions you have about how your ex boyfriend was such a wonderful man. Maybe he is not even close to measuring up.
5. If Somebody Is Hurting You Over and Again Then Make a List To Remind Yourself He Is Not The One
You could also do a pros/cons list to square up the facts.
If you are overwhelmed with feelings of missing your ex boyfriend, I recommend sticking to a list of all the negative aspects of the relationship.
- Remember that time he forgot your birthday?
- How he used to cut his toenails on the carpet and never cleaned up after?
- How about how he always complained when the two of you made plans to have dinner with your parents?
- How he told you once he didn’t want to have kids with you?
- How he never says he loves you first
- What about that time you caught him in a big lie about his whereabouts
Once you do this you will see that those glasses become a lot less rosy.
Of course, because your ex did or said some bad or unkind things does not mean that he is a bad guy.
But when you are so enamored with all your positive memories, it is good to focus a bit more on the some of his behaviors you may be pushing back from your recollection. This can give yourself a much-needed reality check.
OK…I have a quick tip for you if you are seeking to temporarily erase your man from your conscious thoughts.
If you are fighting the urge to reach out to your ex during No Contact, I suggest taking measures to maintain control. I’d lock my phone in a drawer in my desk during work hours to make it more difficult to get to.
This also made me super productive at work.
One of my good friends in the EBR Facebook Group would get home from work and throw her phone behind her couch so it would be more difficult to get to.
Overall, though, the best thing you can do to keep yourself from missing your ex is to refocus your energy on something else – yourself.
6. How to Refocus On Something More Productive
By this point, I imagine you’ve perused the EBR site a bit and have gotten a sense of the most important steps of the EBR process.
If not, you should when you finish this article.
We have plenty of material to help you get through this difficult time.
Now while you are in your No Contact period, I want to remind you that is not just about making him miss you or putting him out of sight and out of mind.
No Contact is also vital to your recovery process. This time acts allows your ex to feel the full repercussions of your breakup. Men tend to make the decision to end a relationship a lot faster than women do, so you have to make him FEEL your absence, that is if you care to get him back.
But more importantly, No Contact acts as a reset for you.
It is a time to recover from the pain of the breakup and begin to build a new happy life for yourself so that you flourish with or without your ex.
When I went through my last breakup, I created a note on my phone titled “what to do when you miss him.” Under the title, I listed about 20 things: I put things on the list that always make me happy, I wanted to make a habit, improve, learn, try:
- Watching Buffy
- Hanging out with friends
- Pole dancing
- Aerial silks
- Learning tarot
Anytime I started to miss my ex, I threw myself into one of these things. One day, I baked 3 dozen cookies while binge-watching “The Handmaid’s Tale.”
On another day, I went for a jog, and read outside for an hour afterwords. I signed up for classes with friends and adopted a “yes, I’ll try anything” attitude… within reason.
As I was doing all this, an amazing thing happened. I started to forget him. He was not on my mind as much. And I began to miss my ex less and less when he did come to mind.
Most importantly, I began to value my self-care more. Within 6 weeks of the breakup, I knew I was going to be okay.
Instead of dreading the days ahead, I looked forward to them.
Ex or no ex, I was happy with the life I was creating for myself, and that was enough.
7. Use This New Focus to Your Advantage
So what do you do with this new “you”.
Well, if you’ve done No Contact and have put the focus back where it needs to be… on yourself, you should have a newfound sense of confidence and happiness. This will become clear to everyone around you, including new men you might wish to learn more about. I am going to assume you have had enough of your ex and he is no longer on your radar.
My friends mentioned to me that they hadn’t seen me so happy in years, which was a clear indicator that I was in a relationship that didn’t make me happy to begin with.
When you’ve worked this hard for yourself, there is something about that confidence that shines through and attracts other people to you.
Now be prepared for your ex boyfriend to try and re-enter your life. Pinch yourself if that happens because you sure don’t want to go down the same old rabbit hole chasing an old boyfriend who hurt you way too many times.
You need to stop him in his tracks, making it clear to him that your world didn’t stop turning when he walked out of your life.
AND, if you were utilizing social media, like we suggest, your ex will already have an idea that you have have been creating an awesome life for yourself. He may even wonder if you are making all of these changes for another guy.
Hey that is good, because if you don’t want him taking you back to a miserable cycle of breakups, then the sooner he sees that you are moving away from him emotionally, the sooner he will give up the hunt.
But be forewarned, guys like to chase so he won’t necessarily make it easy for you to forget him. No matter how many times he has caused you pain or no matter how often he screwed up the relationship, some men know no shame and will try to pull you in again, playing on your vulnerabilities.
You know what to say to him. That’s right. Say nothing. He is a ghost to you.
Basically what I’m saying is that the absolute BEST thing you can do is to refocus your energy on something that is productive and self-serving. At the end of the day, you need to be your first priority.
If You Do Want Him Back Then Use Emotional Control While Building Rapport
As much as I wish this wasn’t true, it’s not all downhill after No Contact. You have to keep putting in effort.
The Ex Recovery Process is hard, and a bit of an emotional roller coaster. You will likely continue to miss your ex, even once the two of you are back in contact and building rapport.
The dynamic between the two of you will be new, and you will likely miss what the two of you used to have. Those crazy emotional surges will continue to happen.
Many people say No Contact is the hardest part of the EBR process. For me it was what came after that was the most difficult.
Maintain emotional control when interacting with your ex boyfriend can be incredibly taxing. You shouldn’t be rushing right back into how things were before.
If you had been hurt by this man and he is a repeat offender, then you need to understand the importance of throttling back your emotions.
You can’t lose it if your ex boyfriend is stupid enough to talk to you about his dating life or a new girlfriend. He will be gauging your reaction, testing you and so the best thing to do is to not give him one.
You cannot fly off the handle and lose your emotional cool.
Some tips for this:
- The beauty of texts is that you have time to think through your response. Before you send something you may regret, think through it a couple times, and check in with yourself to confirm you are in the right mindset.
- If you are part of the Facebook Group, get their opinion about your tactics. This will help lengthen your response time too, which will have him thinking you have something more interesting than him going on.
- If you are out and something happens that upsets you, you can excuse yourself to the restroom to give yourself time to gain your composure. Then when you exit, redirect the conversation.
- Have a couple alternate topics ready in your back pocket in case a topic comes up that you know could rile you up.
- Before you text or say something that you know is coming from a place of pure emotion, think about how it will impact the big picture? Will this matter in the long run if I say it? Is there a possibility that you aren’t ready for his answer? Chances are, if it is an emotional topic for you, you shouldn’t bring it up.
- In the early going, avoid relationship talk. Just focus on fun talk. Don’t try to figure out the past and square everything with each other. It’s likely you would never be able to agree and most assuredly you will peel back old wounds with your ex boyfriend.
- I cannot express how helpful it is to journal. It is a good emotional outlet so you don’t do or say something you could regret that will impede your EBR journey.
The Take Away To Forgetting Your Ex – It’s a Return to Becoming You Again
As I have said, I know all too well the anguish that comes with a breakup and how much you miss your ex, but at the same time need to forget him, putting your boyfriend behind you.
If you take nothing else away from this article, you should know these things
- It is normal to feel this way and it will pass in time.
- Logical thinking , new routines and increasing your social circle are good moves during this time.
- Learn to love yourself, date yourself, and put yourself first.
- Redirect the energy yolu are putting into missing your ex towards something that will improve your life regardless of whether you get him back or not. You’ll be surprised at how much you discover about yourself in the process.
- Although focusing on yourself may feel counterintuitive, it will help peak your ex’s interest and essentially help bring him back to you.
- Maintaining control of your emotions requires thinking about how your actions or words will be received by the other person and preparing yourself for any possible response.
Now that you have this information, lets have a conversation in the comments below about your breakup. Lay out the situation and our experts will help you determine what your best next action should be and how you should apply the EBR Process for Optimal results.
Also, ask about the Facebook Group. It functions as a support group when you are struggling with missing your ex and grants you access to some of the best one-on-one advice you could possibly get from the Ex Recovery Team.
(Note: This post was re-written by the website owner and Relationship Coach expert, Chris Seiter on June 12, 2018. Rachel Dalton previously contributed some of the original content.)