We’ve come to learn that the secret to “attracting an ex back” is to actually learn how to attract other men to you.

Wild, right?

Well, today you’re in luck because I had the opportunity to sit down for an hour and interview one of the top experts in the world at helping women attract the right type of guy Inna Mel,

In our interview we talk about a wide variety of topics from,

  1. How COVID has impacted the dating scene
  2. Making sure you have the right type of “energy”
  3. What she’s seeing that successful women are doing
  4. And much more

Advice On Attracting The Right Type Of Man

Chris Seiter:
Okay. All right. Today we’re going to be talking to [Inamel 00:00:04], who is a really interesting individual who was telling me a little bit about what she does and how she helps single successful women try to attract the right type of guy. And I think that’s a perfect fit for all the women listening to this podcast or going through breakups who maybe want their ex back, but also just need to learn how to attract the right type of guy. So I wanted to have Ina on to talk a little bit about how she does what she does. Why don’t you tell us a little bit about yourself and how you got started?

Inna Mel:
Oh, thank you. First of all, I just want to say thank you so much for having me on your podcast. I’m so, so excited. My journey started many, many years ago. I think that in a sense, I was meant to do this way before I actually knew I was meant to do this. My parents got divorced when I was eight years old and I was able to witness from a very, very young age what it was like to see a healthy relationship and also to see a toxic relationship. And so once I got older, unfortunately, as you know, if you don’t heal your childhood traumas, you carry them onto your adult relationships.

Inna Mel:
And so, I was in multiple unhealthy relationships, and then I just realized that I need to really do the work and figure out, why am I attracting these deceptive people into my space? And so my journey started and I realized that I want to help single successful women finally attract the right men into their life. And I’m here today doing what I love to do.

Chris Seiter:
So you’re working with single women basically trying to teach them, or show them rather, how to attract the right type of guy. It’s really funny, before we were doing this interview, I was up, I’ve have like a makeshift YouTube room that I’ve put together to do YouTube stuff. And I was doing a video on the nine red flags that you should not be trying to get this person back. And I’m curious, I’m assuming a lot of the women that you work with are attracting the types of men that they shouldn’t be attracting, and I’m curious to get your take on this, why do you think that is? Why are women who are attracting, like you said earlier when we were talking, one-night stands, just very toxic type of relationships. Why in your opinion, do you think that happens?

Inna Mel:
I think there are multiple reasons. For the most part, I think that my clients or the women that I work with, they are very successful, so what they do is they apply the same method that they do in work, where they use a lot of their masculine energy, which is control, and so they try to bring that into-

Chris Seiter:
They’re almost like the alpha at work? And so are you saying because of they’re alpha at work, they start being the alpha in the relationship with men and men are finding that a little bit off-putting?

Inna Mel:
Yes. I would say that, instead of being more in their feminine energy where they’re receiving, where they are listening, they use their masculine energies and so they attract these emotionally unavailable men or even men that are maybe even using them. And another thing is, I think that they’re very giving. I would actually call a lot of these women very giving where they’re just taking the lead, taking control. For instance, they’ll be the ones who will plan the date, they’ll plan everything. And they don’t give these guys a chance to lead, a chance to feel like they are the alpha male, as you said. So I think that that is where they go wrong very early on in the dating scene.

Chris Seiter:
Is there ever a case where the opposite is true, where they aren’t assertive enough and the man is the one that is just taking control over everything?

Inna Mel:
Yes. But for the most part, the women that I come in contact with, that’s not the problem that they have, it’s the complete opposite. So my guess is, they just need to figure out how to balance their masculine and their feminine energy and bring in that partner. Another thing I would say is, a lot of these women, they’re go-getters, and so what they do is it’s almost like they’re seeking validation, not from within themselves, but from these men, telling these guys like, “I’m the CEO,” or, “I make this amount of money.” because ultimately, men don’t really care what you do for a living, they connect with you because the way you make them feel.

Inna Mel:
And so I think that’s where they have that imbalance, if I’m making sense.

Chris Seiter:
Do you think that hearkens back a little bit to, you mentioned the childhood trauma and how that integrated into your dating life, I think the entire theory of attachment styles really revolves around that. Do you have any insight into… I’m a big believer in patterns, one of the big assets that you have when you start talking or coaching a lot of people like you have is you can start to notice patterns. And I think you’ve already picked up on one, which is these women being a little too assertive almost. But I’m wondering, do you also notice a pattern in the types of attachment styles that the women have?

Chris Seiter:
You mentioned they’re trying to seek out validation, do you think there’s some insecure aspect?

Inna Mel:
Yeah. Absolutely. And I love that you mentioned attachment styles. I think that for the most part, they are more on the anxious side, they probably have more of an anxious attachment style instead of a very attachment style. So the patterns are all there.

Chris Seiter:
So secure attachment style is like the holy grail that you’re looking for. This is actually something I found when I coach with people, and that’s, a lot of times if you’re trying to win an ex back, a lot of times, one of the best ways you can do that is you try to rewire their brain in a little way to try to mimic a secure attachment. Are you noticing a similar experience with your coaching clients?

Inna Mel:
Yes. I definitely see that. However, I’m a big believer that your attachment style can change because for instance, I’ll use myself as an example. I used to have an anxious attachment style and now I can say that I have a secure attachment style. So it’s definitely not something that is set in stone, it can be changed once you put in the work and you do the work. But I definitely do see that, that they try to mimic that, but in reality, when I do the work with them and we go deeper, the anxious attachment style does appear. It does come up.

Chris Seiter:
Yeah. It’s this very consistent theme you’re seeing amongst the women that you’re working with where they have these anxious attachment styles, and that does harken back to childhood. So I’m actually interested in, when you say you go deep with your coaching clients, do you go so deep to the point where you start asking them questions about their childhood? And if so, are you starting to notice patterns there about maybe a father leaving earlier or something along those lines?

Inna Mel:
Yeah. The way that I work with them and the work that I put them through is I try to figure out what are their unconscious and conscious needs. I also try to figure out what are their desires, what are their non-negotiables? And then once we figure that out, we work through releasing specific patterns or false beliefs that they have about relationships in general or fears, or if they have any past wounds that may be blocking their path into finding a partner.

Inna Mel:
So all those things we do talk about and we work through, and it really does help figure out, “Aha, there’s this pattern, you’re attracting a certain type of men into your space and it’s repetitive. And until you work through these blocks, you’re going to continue attracting the same type of partner just with a different face.”

Chris Seiter:
I’m also interested when you talk about attracting the right type of man, is most of your work basically just focused on helping women do just that, the attracting part, or are you finding that the attracting parts, the easy part and the keeping them like the relationship surviving is the hard part? Because what I’ve found is, the more and more I’ve done this to learn exactly what works and what doesn’t work, the attracting part is the easy part, at least for my work, it’s actually keeping that relationship together, especially in breakups, because there’s usually problems that are present. So I’m just curious about your experience with that.

Inna Mel:
Yeah. I agree with you. I think that the attracting part is the easy part, but some of these women are actually clueless, so I start depending on where they’re at. So the attracting part is definitely the easier part, but the keeping part is the hard part because as you know, especially when you first meet someone, you put on a different face, so you put on a different hat and then once you get to know them and you spend a lot of time with them, all these things come up and it’s like, “Wow, who is this person that I’ve been with?” And so the keeping part is definitely way, way harder than attracting.

Chris Seiter:
And I suppose you can make it a little bit easier if you do attract the right type of guy, he’s a little bit more amenable to realizing you’re not a perfect human being, especially in today’s day and age where everything is on social media. It’s almost like we always put our best foot forward on social media and then when you meet the person in real life, you’re just like, “Well, this isn’t the person that was portrayed on social media.” So I’m curious, especially with COVID happening now, what has been your experience with how COVID has impacted just everything?

Inna Mel:
Oh, wow. I think that in terms of relationships and dating, I think this is actually a very good time to get to know someone. Why do I say that? Because you can’t really meet them right away unless you both decide and you take all the precautionary measures. So what you have is you get to know them and you get to really figure out how is this person coping with what’s happening in the world. Where’s their head at? And I think online dating at this time is really, really great. I’m a big, big believer that this is the time to really get to know someone during COVID.

Chris Seiter:
Okay. Online dating, I’ve heard really interesting stories about online dating with COVID. We’ve noticed a huge trend in breakups since COVID started, and as a result, a lot of our clients, and we have this Facebook group where we can just see everything, they’re all trying online dating, and they’re getting less than desired type of men, like on Tinder or something like that. Do you have any tips for someone who’s deciding like, “Hey, I think I’m ready to go out and try to date, but I’m going to try online dating?” What are some of your top tips for someone like that to attract the right type of guy?

Inna Mel:
I think with online dating, it could be tricky, but it could work to your advantage. The way that I would go about doing so is, and I don’t know about Tinder, I’ve never been on Tinder, but there are plenty of other sites because like Coffee Meets Bagel, Bumble, JSwipe, it all depends on which one you… And I know people who have actually met their partners, they’ve gotten married off these sites. So there are good women and good men out there. I think to just get to the point, meaning if you are on these sites, you can exchange phone numbers.

Inna Mel:
And then I would go straight into video chat, to be honest with you. I don’t even think I would text them so much as I would in the past. Right now, I think chatting online, seeing who you’re talking to, like how we are, and then you can plan these dates. You can have coffee dates, you can have dinner dates, you can cook together. And that way, you are really getting to know this person without physically meeting them.

Chris Seiter:
What’s really interesting about what you just said is, I was introduced to a book called Never Split the Difference a couple of months ago, is basically by this FBI negotiator who was just spilling his secrets. And he talks in there about this the 7-38-55 rule and how we perceive communication, and how only really 7% of communication is through words, the rest is through tone of voice and body language. And so what’s interesting about the video chat thing, and I’m just wondering your take on this, but one thing that I’ve noticed is when I’ve told my clients about this, they actually go out and start trying to video chat more because you get more of the same, more of the full scope of it as opposed to just texting where you’re just going with words, so you’re only doing 7% of the 93% that’s left over.

Chris Seiter:
So I’m wondering if video chat, just to let… Like you and I, right here, I can see you, I can see your body language, your tone of voice, I can do all of that. That’s just such an advantage as opposed to just texting, but it’s almost like a lost art now, everyone’s a little too afraid to video chat. So what do you say to someone who’s afraid to take that step?

Inna Mel:
Well, the way I look at it is yes, you may be afraid because it’s different, but the times are different now. And the way I see it is, would you rather waste or spend a ton of time just texting away and not being sure who you’re really talking to and not seeing, like you said, the body language, the emotion, the head gestures, laughter? And so when you look at it that way, I think that the best way to do is just take the leap, what do you have to lose? If anything, if it’s not the right person for you, you’ll know way sooner than if you were texting them for a week or two or three.

Chris Seiter:
Okay. You’re mostly working with single successful women that seems to be like your good catch phrase, which I really like by the way, but I’m actually curious, most of my audience, well, they’re single and most of them are pretty successful, but they’re mostly trying to navigate the treacherous waters of figuring out whether they want to move on from an ex or try to get the ex back. And I’m just curious, what’s your take on your personal thoughts on whether they should be trying to move on or try to get an ex back?

Inna Mel:
Well, I think that it varies. It all depends on what was the reason for your breakup because for instance, if your break up was because of long distance, that’s very different as opposed to if your breakup was due to cheating. So it matters, how did the breakup happened and what was the cause of the breakup? For the most part, I am not a fan of getting back together with an ex, I think that there’s a reason why this relationship did not work out and I like to just move forward and leave the past behind you take the lesson and you move forward.

Inna Mel:
However, as I said a couple of minutes ago, if it was due to a long distance, if that was the only reason you guys broke up or because you guys wanted different things, the timing was off, that’s one thing, but it all depends really on what the cause of the breakup was.

Chris Seiter:
So it is more situational, is what you’re saying. What’s actually really interesting about what you said is we’re finding that really the biggest tool in your tool belt when it comes to breakups and trying to get an ex back is literally just getting over them and then they come back. Now, it’s a lot more nuanced than that obviously, but what would you say to someone who’s going through a breakup and wants to try to get over their ex and wants to try to find the right type of guy? What should be step number one for them, the first thing they should do other than coaching with you? What’s step number one?

Inna Mel:
I think that they should take this time as an opportunity to get in touch with themselves, to really take the time to…. Well, traveling probably right now is not a good idea, but to really figure out, what are their interests? Who are they? Go back to them to themselves. That would probably be the number one step, I would say. And forget about the ex, really focus on yourself because the more work you do on yourself, the more attractive you become to everyone. And then not only will you attract the ex, but you will attract a lot of really, really great people into your space. So that’s the step I think you should take.

Inna Mel:
Really figure out your desires, your non-negotiables, as I said earlier, your needs. Because a lot of times when we get into relationships, we kind of lose a little part of ourselves, so it’s a great time.

Chris Seiter:
Right, right. That’s 100 % true, especially when it comes to breakup. Sometimes you put so much of yourself into this relationship and it doesn’t work out and you’re shattered and you’re no longer the protagonist of your own life, someone else is, and you’ve put that ex on the pedestal. I talk about these things all the time, and in what she’s talking about here is just the truth. You should figure out where you are philosophically, you should try to figure out what those non-negotiables are. But, one question I still have is, I know for a fact there can be people who are listening, they’re like 20 minutes into this interview, and they’re thinking like, “Oh, okay. That’s just like the cliché answer. Yeah, get back in touch with yourself.”

Chris Seiter:
For someone like that, what is something actionable that they can do? Because I’ve just noticed, with people like that, they don’t quite understand how powerful it can be because they’re not willing to take action. So what is something they can do, very simple, just to get the momentum started?

Inna Mel:
It’s a really good question. You actually got me thinking. I think that what they can do right now… I mean, I’ll just use myself as an example. How about that?

Chris Seiter:
Perfect, perfect. Personal stories.

Inna Mel:
Is always great. But again, the times are a bit different now with COVID, so I don’t know if they can do that, but when I got dumped-

Chris Seiter:
Let’s pretend COVID doesn’t exist.

Inna Mel:
Yeah, exactly.

Chris Seiter:
COVID will be gone eventually and we can, you know. All right, tell away.

Inna Mel:
Yeah. I got dumped and what I decided to do is I actually booked a trip to Bali, and I left. I went to Bali for a few weeks. It actually started as a yoga retreat and then it turned into just a trip with friends, which was absolutely amazing, and it really helped me. First of all, it took me out of that space, so I was in a completely different environment, which I think is really important. I was with different people. The ex wasn’t even a person that we discussed. So I think that’s really important. And it really helped me because when I got back to New York, it shifted my perspective, I wasn’t feeling so down anymore and I wasn’t obsessing on why this happened to me. I wasn’t the victim anymore because I cleared my head.

Inna Mel:
So I think that is something that is very powerful if you’re able to do that. And I’m not saying, obviously, get on a plane now and go to Bali, but do something that maybe a little bit out of your comfort zone, I would even suggest. You can take acting.

Chris Seiter:
That is obviously a very actionable thing that you did, you literally hopped on a plane and went to a different country.

Inna Mel:
Literally, yeah.

Chris Seiter:
Literally, yeah. Do you think that the power in that was more due to the fact that you’re just up and doing something actionable or you just changed the environment completely?

Inna Mel:
I think it was a little bit of both, but the change of the environment really helped me because I wasn’t in my house. I wasn’t having these memories of things we used to do, I wasn’t obsessing over the past because I was I a completely different space. So I think that really helped me. And it was probably a little bit of both, but the environment I think was the key for me at least.

Chris Seiter:
Okay. So it’s more of a combination, but with a little bit more of an emphasis on the environment change. So that is something actionable that if you’re listening that you can definitely do. And I’m curious finding the right type of guy. So you mentioned that you work with a lot of women and a pattern that you see has to do with these masculine and feminine energies. Now, how do you define that exactly? Give me an example of what a masculine energy looks like, other than just some super confident guy walking down the street. In my head, that’s what a masculine energy looks like, but that may be not what you’re referring to.

Inna Mel:
I think that it has more to do, besides it being in an energy. So for instance, I think all humans, we all have both, we have feminine and masculine energies. It’s just some of us, we lean more towards one or towards the other. So for instance, to me I would say masculine energy is when you are assertive, when you’re able to take control, you take the lead. That’s what I consider masculine energy. Feminine is more like when you’re open to receiving, to receiving whatever that may be, listening, to being compassionate, that’s more of the feminine energy. So those are the two, the way I look at it.

Chris Seiter:
The way you look at it has more to do with the qualities of the personality of the individual?

Inna Mel:
Yes, correct. It’s not physically.

Chris Seiter:
Okay. So this is just me following my own curiosity with regards to the energy thing, because I think it’s an interesting way of looking at the situation. You mentioned that both males and females have different… they can have both types of energies, right? So would I be right in assuming that, let’s take a male, for example, a male who only has a masculine energy is going to be a little bit too controlling, a little bit too domineering. So really you’re looking for a complement both of these types of qualities. Is there-

Inna Mel:
Yes, because-

Chris Seiter:
Sorry. Go, go, go.

Inna Mel:
Sorry about that. Go ahead.

Chris Seiter:
What I was going to say-

Inna Mel:
I that a lot of-

Chris Seiter:
Go ahead. Sorry, we keep getting our wires crossed. I’m being too much of the masculine energy, I’m sorry.

Inna Mel:
I think that a lot of my clients, what they struggle with is they are not really drawn to the men who will have more of the feminine energies, they want a man who has more of the masculine energies, so it becomes this almost like a power struggle in a sense.

Chris Seiter:
Okay. So you mentioned that these women, that you are coaching, they tend to be very career oriented, very successful women who maybe have a little bit more of that masculine energy themselves. What I’ve noticed is that like tends to be attracted to like, so usually the age-old expression opposites attract in my experience has not been true. There’s always outliers to that. So would it be safe to say that because of their own masculine energy leanings, they are more attracted to that in the partner, but the partners that they’re attracted to, who have these gigantic masculine energies, they tend to be controlling domineering, too alpha almost, and that ends up being a turnoff?

Inna Mel:
That’s correct. Yeah. You nailed it. That’s exactly what the… And I think that’s what they struggle with the most. And the goal is to get them more in their feminine. So you’re not taking away their masculine energy. You’re not taking that away from them, but you’re just trying to get them more into their feminine that way they are still able to attract the alpha male that they’re really attracted to without having to sacrifice.

Chris Seiter:
I actually really like this example, because to me it would make sense that probably everyone has different preferences, like some women want more of a in touch with their feelings, caring type of a male, some women want a more dominant alpha type of a male who has a little bit of that, he’s not afraid to cry. I hate to do this to you, but there’s probably no such thing as like a one-size-fits-all preference, but have you noticed any patterns in the women that you’re of what type of men is pitch perfect for them energy wise?

Inna Mel:
Well, I think that when I start working with them, what ends up happening is they have this ideal of what they’re looking for, but it doesn’t mean that is the right fit for them. That’s how I see it.

Chris Seiter:
Okay. Okay. What is their typical ideal man? I’m literally curious about this.

Inna Mel:
Well, it’s with what you said just a couple of minutes ago that you don’t believe opposites attract, and I actually don’t really know if I believe that. Although looking at my parents, they are complete and total opposites, so I can’t say for sure, but I would probably say that-

Chris Seiter:
Well, I mean, they attracted, your parents attracted, but you told me that they split up eventually, so there’s something about that-

Inna Mel:
Well, I’m sorry. I actually probably should have rephrased that. My parents, what I meant was my stepfather and my mom. They’re currently together.

Chris Seiter:
Got it. Got it.

Inna Mel:
They are polar opposites.

Chris Seiter:
Well, they’re the exception to the rule.

Inna Mel:
Yeah, there’s definitely the exception to the rule. However, I would say, their image of what an ideal partner looks like, it’s pretty much the way that they see themselves, career oriented, and then they have this checklist of what he should look like. And I always say, get rid of this checklist because he may have all those qualities, but let’s assume, I’ll just use this as an example, he has all the qualities, but he’s too short for them. And so, because he’s too short, they don’t want to even attempt to give this a try. And I think that’s absurd. Or his hair color.

Chris Seiter:
Okay. So this is the whole list argument where they are too critical on their list. He checks off maybe 90% of the boxes, but those two boxes are just essential. And I guess what you’re doing with them is looking at their list and saying, “Which ones are non-negotiable for you?”

Inna Mel:
Absolutely.

Chris Seiter:
And then it whittles down there to be more accurate or more forgiving towards other men.

Inna Mel:
Yeah. And I love that we’re having this conversation because I actually had a workshop yesterday, it was called Love Breakthrough, and what I was talking about is why they’re still single. And I think the reason why they’re still single is because of all these things that we just discussed and having the list, being too picky, and it just goes on and on. There’s so many things that could hold you back because ultimately, you are looking for someone that you can grow with, someone that you can create a life, a family was, if that’s what you were looking for. So I think that a lot of women, they’re focusing on the wrong things, meaning they’re putting way too much focus on the wrong things and not enough on the right things. What are these guys’ values? Do they even have values?

Inna Mel:
And so I think it’s important to really take a look at that before looking at this list of, he’s too short, or his hair color doesn’t match with what I’m envisioning my future husband to be.

Chris Seiter:
So would you say that their lists tend to be a little bit more superficial by nature, where they’re not necessarily looking at the qualities? And sometimes it’s hard to measure quality in one conversation when you go on a date one time, you have to allow that person to open up, but the superficial aspects of like hair color, eye color, height, weight, things like that. I just want to make sure that we’re understanding each other correctly. What you’re saying is they put too much of an emphasis on those things and not much of an emphasis on the things that really matter in the end?

Inna Mel:
Yeah, absolutely. I would have to say that that is in fact true. Yeah.

Chris Seiter:
To me it sounds like you’re dealing with very successful women, so women who don’t really have a hard time attracting guys, they have a hard time attracting the right type of guys. Do you ever work with clients who just have a hard time attracting men in general? And if that’s the case, what kind of advice do you give to that person?

Inna Mel:
Yeah, I do. So for the most part, I work with successful women, but I also work with just regular women who just have a hard time attracting anyone, or just literally besides a one night stand, they have a hard time attracting a guy who’s actually looking for a long-term relationship. And for those women, what I try to figure out is, where are they stuck? What are they exactly? What are they struggling with? And then we work through that. And for a lot of times, it has to do with a lot of childhood stuff, they may have had abandonment issues, and so they are very closed off.

Inna Mel:
So they are attracting certain guys into their space, but they’re not even giving them a chance, they’re not opening up. And so those are the problems that these young ladies have.

Chris Seiter:
I’ve had clients where I’m working with them, and I wouldn’t say that they’re successful career-wise or anything like that, but they’re attracting one nightstands like consistently. And what’s interesting is, I come at it from the male perspective, and you come at it from the female perspective, so my interest to get your take on this. My initial assessment of why my client, for example, would continue to have these one nightstands was because she didn’t think she could do any better, and she didn’t really have enough internal confidence to believe that about herself.

Chris Seiter:
And so I would try to like explain to her like, “Hey, this is what’s happening.” But I don’t really ever think I got through to her because she just kept engaging in the behavior. Look at that situation, what is your take on it? Am I off base there? Or what can I do better to get them to have that light bulb moment?

Inna Mel:
Wow. I love that you said that because I say the same exact thing. The reason why she’s attracting this type of guy is because she doesn’t think she can do better. It’s also a self-esteem issue as well, and although on the surface, she may look confident, deep down, she does not feel that she’s worthy of someone who will be with her long term or someone who will get to know her. And so the only thing I could say is try to maybe go a little bit deeper up, ask about her experiences in the past, her childhood experiences, because you can really learn a lot about a person just by knowing how their childhood went. So that’s the first thing I like to talk about, is I’m just always curious.

Chris Seiter:
Well, it’s really interesting you bring that up because this particular client that I’m talking about is someone that I coached years ago. They always stuck out in my mind because I always felt like I didn’t really get through to them. And you could always tell when they had that light bulb moment, but when I was coaching them, it was like when I first started coaching people so I was still new to understanding how to get through to people. And I really didn’t know much about attachment styles and how that plays into your relationships as an adult.

Chris Seiter:
And I didn’t ask anything about her childhood, but I can almost guarantee you, there were probably some abandonment issues there. But I always viewed her situation, and it just the one that stuck out to me as this self-fulfilling prophecy where she would go into it believing she couldn’t do any better than this guy who was clearly taking advantage of her. She would continue to go back to this one particular guy, she would sleep with him, he wouldn’t call her, the booty call thing would happen where he’d get horny and wants sex, essentially.

Inna Mel:
And it’s 2:00 A.M.

Chris Seiter:
Exactly. And it always to me, look like a self-confidence issue where I was trying to get through to her, but I never could. When you go deep with people and ask them about the childhood, how do you do that without, I don’t really worry about offending people, but how do you get for them to have that light bulb moment when you dig deep and make them realize, “Hey, you’re acting this way because of this experience back then”?

Inna Mel:
Sometimes actually they are aware of why they’re acting that way, but they’re not able to get past it. For instance, I’ll use an example, yesterday there was a girl in the workshop, the one that said, she openly said, “I have abandonment issues. My parents got divorced, my father was physically not present and my mom was emotionally unavailable. And so I attract toxic unavailable men into my life and I don’t know how to change that or how to stop that.” So it all depends, and again, it’s not like one solution fits all, there’s multiple errs, and so, what I told her and something that I’m going to be working with her through is, there’s different things she can do.

Inna Mel:
Again, I’m not a therapist, but she can go to get like hypnosis. And what they do is they actually bring you back to a moment in your childhood and you can reprogram that moment where let’s say, your caregivers weren’t there for you. And it’s almost like you’re just reprogramming that vision, that image, and it’s just a lot of inner work and it’s painful, it’s really hard, but I feel like if I can only get them to a certain level, then I would recommend maybe they should seek therapy or go some someplace else. So I can’t always help them 100% or they can work some more painlessly with a therapist and with a coach.

Inna Mel:
So it really varies from situation to situation, but for the most part, it’s really looking inward. And I would even say making a list of all the people that you’ve been with and all the pros and cons and seeing like you said, patterns. I also look at patterns because they are there. And once you figure out, it’s like, “Aha, I’m attracting these people and what’s causing that?” It’s almost like you can help yourself through limiting beliefs, through really reprogramming your subconscious mind, you can help yourself, but it takes a lot of work. And one thing that stuck out with me that she said was, she said, “Well, my therapist says, if I don’t change, I’ll be alone forever. And that this is a lifelong journey and I don’t have enough time.”

Inna Mel:
So when she said, “I don’t have enough time,” that’s where a light bulb went off in my head, and it was like, “Well, who’s to say that you don’t have enough time? You’re a young lady in your early 30s.”. And I think that is another thing, women because of the fear of like, “Wow my biological clock is ticking.” Or, “All my friends married with kids and I’m not.” And I like to challenge them and ask them, are you attracting these men out of fear or because you’re open and you are ready to receive the love, because when you’re open, you attract different men into your life, but when you’re scared, you attract the whole different pool of men.

Inna Mel:
You attract those unavailable men into your space because you’re so scared to be alone. I can’t even explain it. Am I making sense?

Chris Seiter:
No. You were talking and I was just thinking so many good points you brought up, you brought up the reprogramming your brain, Carl Jung would call that integrating the shadow.

Inna Mel:
Yeah. Exactly.

Chris Seiter:
Then you brought up really the childhood abandonment issues, and I just was thinking, it’s amazing how people scoff at the idea of two parents going through divorce and that not having an impact on a child, because think of what that client of yours said. She said, “I have an abandonment issues, my father wasn’t there presently,” which almost sets up this self-fulfilling belief of men won’t be there presently, and her mom was emotionally unavailable. And it’s interesting too because the emotionally unavailable mom is probably emotionally unavailable because the father left and has such an impact on this woman who grew up to have trouble with men, and it’s hard to overcome that self-fulfilling prophecy.

Chris Seiter:
So Jung would often call, integrating the shadow, which is all these negative beliefs you have about other people, you’re projecting thoughts that you also have about yourself onto them. And one of the hardest things to do, and you bring reference to it, which is integrating the shadow and realizing you’re not perfect and you think these exact things about yourself that you’re emotionally unavailable, that you’re not good enough for men, and owning it and just realizing that it’s there, will allow you to have a more fulfilling life and achieve that transcendence goal that everyone always seems to talk about.

Chris Seiter:
But you were just talking about therapist who said that the woman had no time, and I think that’s complete BS personally.

Inna Mel:
I do also. Yeah.

Chris Seiter:
It’s interesting also, you brought up a really great point about the timing, because one thing that… I deal with mostly women because there’s just more women searching online, I think, for breakup stuff, but I’ve got plenty of men that I work with too, and it’s really interesting the big differences I see between the two is, men are very emotional in the moment about breakups. They were like, “Oh my God, this person broke up with me, now I realize she’s the love of my life.” Women on the other hand are a little bit differently because I think they are programmed differently by society.

Chris Seiter:
So you have those societal factors of like, “Oh my God, my friends are getting married, I need to settle down.” Or, “Why I’m always tracking the wrong type of guys?” Or you add in the biological clock, which at 35, your egg quality drops and all of a sudden you need to have a child. That’s almost like your fear talking and that will prevent you, I think, from attracting the right type of person because you’re putting these restraints on yourself. It’s almost like trying to fit a round peg through a square hole. It’s not going to work if you put that much pressure on it. And then you add in this therapist who says, “You’re running out of time, you’ll be this way forever.”

Chris Seiter:
It adds another element of tension. And usually, that’s not how it works. I’m a guy, so sports analogies work for me, but basketball player was talking about being in the zone. You’re not in the zone if you’re super tense. So I would imagine your clients are not in the zone because there’s all these factors going on that build up this persona that they falsely believe they have. Sorry, I ranted, that was really cool.

Inna Mel:
I also feel almost like you’re screaming desperate, like you’re desperate. And so when you’re desperate, what are you going to attract? You’re not going to attract a guy-

Chris Seiter:
Desperate people.

Inna Mel:
Exactly.

Chris Seiter:
This is just my personal belief. If a woman is, feel free to correct me, but let’s take your client who is taking the workshop with you because she feels she’s not attracting the right type of guys, she projecting this desperate energy. Well, that’s going to attract, think of it the law of the jungle, a desperate animal is going to attract a predator. That’s what you’re going to attract if you’re desperate, you’re going to attract someone who’s going to take advantage of you, not physically or emotionally, but they see like, “Oh, I can be the dominant person to this one.” And they like that. And maybe that’s what turns some of these women off.

Inna Mel:
Yeah, I agree. And I think also for the most part, they start… Another thing that she mentioned which I thought was interesting is that, ” I give, I give, I give.” Very giving and giving prematurely. And that’s something that I always say is a no-go. I actually tell these women that they should date multiple men at the same time. That way, they do not spend all their energy obsessing prematurely and then being disappointed if it does not work out.

Chris Seiter:
Well, what’s interesting about the giving thing, at least my take on it would be the Benjamin Franklin effect, which is, we’re hardwired to believe, hey, if we do a favor for someone, they’re going to do a favor back for us. That’s not how it works. If you do a favor for someone, you’re more likely to do another favor and another favor, so it’s almost like the giving part, she’s just giving. And of course, he’s going to just be like, “Sure, keep giving, I’m not going to say no to these favors.” And he’s just going to take advantage of it. That’s just the truth.

Chris Seiter:
I could feel like I could talk to you for hours, this is the kind of stuff that I just love opening stuff up and trying to understand, but we’re running late on time here. So what I’d like to do is I want to promote you, let people know, how can they coach with you? What are the steps to get that going?

Inna Mel:
Oh my God, that’s amazing. Thank you. The best way to get in touch with me, I would say is through Instagram, I’m very active on Instagram. So my Instagram handle is [iaminamel 00:45:19]. And I’m actually going to launch an eight-week coaching program in the beginning of January. I haven’t picked the exact dates, but I’m already enrolling. It’s going to be a very, very intimate group, and it’s called Conscious and Intuitive Dating. And it’s going to cover everything that we spoke about, but obviously, very, very depth and it’s going to be absolutely amazing. So enrollment period has started. I still have a few slots available.

Chris Seiter:
How many slots have you got left? Hopefully my audience can fill that real quick.

Inna Mel:
I have five slots left.

Chris Seiter:
Five slots. So there is five left.

Inna Mel:
It’s very intimate group and I just love intimate groups because I think it creates this sacred-

Chris Seiter:
You help more people that way?

Inna Mel:
Yeah, absolutely. And so that’s probably the best way to reach me. You can also go on my website, which is being rebranded as we speak, [Inamel.com 00:46:16]. But the best way would probably be through Instagram, IamInamel.

Chris Seiter:
What I’m going to do is link that up in the show notes of this episode, and make sure you flood her inbox with so many requests that she doesn’t know what to do with them. Thank you so much for coming onto the podcast.

Inna Mel:
Thank you so much for having me. This was absolutely great.

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