Empowering Women After A Breakup With Marina Margulis

"I Can't Believe I Actually Have a Chance of Getting Him Back!"

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Marina Margulis is pretty much a super star.

She is the founder of NY Socials,

Which offers a number of personalized matchmaking services, which vary from a range of individual matchmaking packages to our signature Socials memberships or any combination of both.

She has been certified as a professional CMM (certified match maker)

She makes a living by being a dating/relationship coach

Oh, and to top it off in 2014 she was named woman of the year by the NAPW (National Association of Professional Women)

To say that this woman knows her stuff when it comes to dating is an understanding and I was lucky enough to convince her to come on the show to talk to you!

Now, usually when I am trying to get someone to come on the show I do what’s called a “pre-interview.”

Pre-Interview- Essentially this is the interview before the interview. Think of it like a “get to know you” session.

Well, when I conducted my pre-interview with Marina here I was blown away about how passionate she was about empowering women. I mean, I could hear it in this woman’s voice. Which is why we agreed that we wanted this episode to be all about empowering you AFTER your breakup.

Check out the epic episode below,

Video Of This Episode (Empowering Women After A Breakup)

What We Talk About In This Episode

  • How to be empowered after a breakup (obviously)
  • The importance of being on the same wavelength as your partner
  • If relationships can work a second time around
  • The PRO and CON list
  • The importance of having HONEST conversations without getting into a fight
  • Knowing what you want before you try to go out and attract it
  • Marina’s clever trick for online dating

Important Links Mentioned In This Episode

Interview Transcript:

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Ok, well I want to welcome you Marina. Now, I want to make sure I say this right. Margulis.

 

Marina

Marina

Margulis.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Margulis. Awesome. Yeah, so, you’re really interesting. You have a really interesting story. I think before we start talking about empowering women, I’m kind of interested to hear how you started New York Socials. Because you came up with a really interesting idea: the match making service. And I realized the match making service may not be the best for the audience but it’s such a fascinating idea. I’d love to hear how you came up with the idea and talk a little bit about it I guess.

Marina

Marina

Sure. Well, it all started about 10 years ago when all of sudden I found myself in a place where my friends were getting divorced and when you throw parties many people can relate, you start to worry about who you invite, who will you introduce to who and you end up playing match maker whether you like it or not. And then it dawned on me that people behave differently in a social setting than they do one on one.

 

And so at that point, I started New York Socials and we only made introductions by socials. So, it was very much a match making service. There was a lot of homework to be done on my end. Meaning, a lot of personality profiles, a lot of interviewing. Just to see if compatibility is there. However, what I offered my clients is introductions and something like either a cocktail reception or a dinner party, depending on the client. So, they wouldn’t be as uncomfortable introducing themselves and having the small talk.

 

Eventually, I did get certified as a matchmaker. I then went on to get training as a coach because the one thing that dawned on me is that match making is just not enough when you are dealing with people in a lot of instances coming out of long term relationships. They forgot how to date. And so for many of my clients, it became very clear to me that being a match maker was not enough. I needed to be a coach as well and teach them how to date, help them navigate dating in 2000 as opposed to 1980s .

 

And so I did become a certified coach and I studied out as just coaching my clients and eventually I expanded my services to offer not just coaching for everybody who wants it but also one on one traditional match making as well. And that’s where we are today. We offer all kinds of services to our clients.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, you’ve been phenomenal. Seriously, I was looking through your bio. You have so many awards. I mean on obviously you’re the founder and CEO of New York Socials. You’re certified as a professional CMM-Certified Match Maker. But really in 2014, you’re named the woman of the year. I mean we have a celebrity here!

 

Marina

Marina

Thank you! I feel very humbled but truly was a big honor. I participated in a lot of charities empowering young women. I worked with urban kids. I actually taught kids in high school about life. You know this is a great program called Junior achievement which I’ve taught for a year with people, like they all go into a classroom and instead of doing just regular subjects like Math and Science, we talk about how to get along in life. You know, putting together a resume, what do you want to do, what drives you, what should you be thinking about as you’re filling out that resume for college and how do you pass a job interview, how do you dress, how do you act, how do you speak to you people.

 

So, that was just one of the things that I have done that year because it’s something that’s near and dear to me. You know I live in New York City and I see a lot of young people who are frankly very lost today. And so, I work on both sides with teenagers but also young people coming out of relationships and just helping them find love.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, I remember when we talk before we did the interview and everything, we talked on the phone just to see if you’d be right for the show. But your enthusiasm around empowering women was just–like it oozed through the phone. Like this is something you are very passionate about.

Marina

Marina

Let’s just start by saying that I am one. So, I can relate but also a lot of it comes from the fact that I have  a lot of clients come through my door which sometimes for whatever reason, are not quite sure what they are worth. And so the dating becomes more of an exercise of failures and repeated failures over and over again because when you’re not quite sure what you bring to the table, you can’t possible date and find people that are compatible with you.

The first thing that I do with all of my clients as soon as they walk to the door is we sit down and we figure out what makes them tick. We all have flaws and yet we all have good features. And that’s what we need to accentuate. What you’ll be very shocked about is, how many people, when I ask them, “Well, what do you bring to the table? What are you interests? What are your hobbies?” Hesitate to answer the question.

To me, it’s very far fetched because if you ask me what I’m interested in, I could be here for hours and you’ll list what I like to do. Because frankly, it’s something I like to do. It’s something I’m passionate about.

 

And so, I can’t say that it’s apathy necessarily but a lot of times it’s just confusion about who we are. So, first here I am. I’m a student and you know I’m going through college and It’s what’s expected of me. To get a degree, to get a career. All of sudden I’m a girlfriend now, I’m a mother but who am I as a person? What makes me tick? What makes me get up in the morning? And as shocking as it is, a lot of people walked through my doors, not being able to answer that. What are they interested in? What drives them? What are their passions? So, we need to uncover that because it’s when you uncover what you are that you can find people that are compatible with you.

 

You know I had a man actually that I coached just last week. He was a new client and he said to me something that was very disturbing that I also find every now and then applies to women as well. He said, “I was never in love because every time I dated, I felt like I was settling for somebody who liked me.” So, he in a nut shell was so grateful that a woman would go out with him that he consistently settle for woman after woman that after a few months of dating, he realized there was no chemistry. He never really like them from the get go and the only reason he dated them was because they wanted to date him. Not because he wanted to date.

 

So, 6:59 approach to dating and that’s exactly what I teach women. Is to not have that approach, have the opposite. You need to understand, first of all, what you’re worth, what you’re bringing to the table. And when you do understand that, then you start to formulate your idea of not necessarily a perfect man because the one thing that I’m always adamantly against is having a list the size of The King Jame’s Bible when it comes to qualities because those people don’t exist. But a list of qualities that you would be happy with in a person. Because there’s no such thing as Mr Right.

 

There’s only Mr. Right for me and for everybody it’s different. And another issue that I found that was consistently repeating itself, that I try to coach my clients not to do is look for people like us. Because very often, the best matched couples are not alike but they complement each other and that’s what we should be looking for. But how do you know who’s going to complement you, unless you know who you are and what you are worth?

 

So, that’s where we have to begin.

 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, I think you’re making a lot of really great points and a lot of this can apply to people who are listening to this podcast because a lot of people who are listening to this podcast are acting–probably everyone listening to this podcast, they’re going through a break up and you said something that kind of triggered something for me. A lot of women I see are very codependent on the relationship.

And so it almost pushes a man away when you become codependent. And I was curious, just my own curiosity I supposed. Is this something you see a lot with the clients that you work with? Like where they become so codependent on the relationship that essentially they can’t live without the relationship and everything they do becomes about the relationship. Is this something you’ve seen a lot of?

Marina

Marina

You’re absolutely correct. There’s two issues here. The first one I think is codependency on the particular person. And that differs from relationship to relationship. I do see people who– I also find that that is a particularly show in two cases. The first one is when you have your “highschool sweetheart”. And this are people who have been together for so long that they don’t see themselves outside of the couple. They only see themselves as half of a couple and that’s how they go through life.

 

So, when they lose that half of the couple, they lose half of themselves. And it’s very difficult to find it back in a later stage in life. The other part of it is that there are a number of women, not just women. There are men like that too, who go from relationship to relationship and it’s very the principle of being in a relationship that appeals to them. Not necessarily the relationship itself.

 

So, I see a lot of women, who when they come out of relationship, they’ll grab the first guy who comes their way because they like the idea of being in a relationship and so, instead of taking the time getting over it and choosing what it is that they need or want in a man, they end up jumping from relationship to relationship and none of them becomes complete or becomes fruitful because what ends up happening is that they don’t give themselves a minute to figure out what they’re all about, what they like.

 

Because also, let’s be realistic, let’s say the relationship lasts longer than 5 minutes. I am a different person today than I was 5 years ago. So, if I went into a previous relationship 5 years ago, I’m different today. My interest may be different, my 10:39  may be different and I need to figure that out before moving forward. And it’s also one of the things that I usually work with my clients on is finding the happiness by ourselves.

I know it sounds like new age cliche but that’s the truth because until you are happy with yourself, by yourself, there’s no such thing as happiness that comes from another person.

 

And frankly, I think it is extremely unfair when we look to the partner to make us happy because that’s not going to happen. Nobody is going to make you happy unless you’re happy. And frankly I think it’s a heavy burden to put on somebody to be responsible for your happiness. So, I think it’s crucial to become comfortable and become happy with yourself, by yourself before you can be in a relationship.

 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah and you know the interesting thing is it just makes me think about what you’re saying before about how you have clients, they come in and you ask them, “Well, so tell me about yourself? Tell me what you’re interests are.” And they can’t come up with anything. And I think a lot of it, they can’t be happy with themselves if they don’t even know themselves. I think that’s a lot of the problems that we see nowadays

Marina

Marina

Right and if you don’t know what you like to do and what drives you, how are you looking for somebody? Just based on the way they 12:04

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Exactly. Right.

Marina

Marina

It’s a very superficial and shaky relationship because as much as they think that physical attraction plays a huge part in a relationship, it has to be there are ways as friendship. But as much as that is important, it is more important to have a relationship on a deeper level than just the physical attraction but you can’t have that unless you understand what your own deeper level is. So, we need to start there.

 

We need to start making baby steps. And you know one of the things that have usually worked with my clients honestly, like “Where do you find the people that you could potentially date?” A lot of them are making that mistake of you know looking on social media, on dating sites. Well, that’s all good and well but we live in a world whre even though virtual reality has become uber big, there’s still real reality out there and nothing beats human interaction.

 

And so, one of the things that I usually recommend against and maybe I’m giving out one of secrets too quickly but I absolutely, 13:15 am against going to singles mingles or social meet ups for singles because I have never yet met anybody who said, “You know what, I went to this meet ups for singles and I found my Mr. Right or Mrs. Right.”

 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

And you’ve worked with a lot of people too.

Marina

Marina

Because what end up happening is women get so dissapointed because they go in and then you have a bunch of guys who found this in a relatively inexpensive gathering and then know that the women come in in there single. So, they treat them, not with  disrespect but very casually and cavalierly. You know, meaning that, “If she’s here, she’s looking to hook up.” And so, instead of trying to win a woman over.

These guy’s just wait and label, you know, invites you to the bedroom int he first 5 minutes and women get so flustered and so upset and they usually leave. And so, and similar things happen with all these social gatherings that are put together around singles and dating.

 

Instead what I always recommend is–meet up is a great thing. You know if you’re not on meetup.com, you should be on meetup. com because it brings people with interests in common together. People that we may or may not otherwise get to know. And so, what I tell my clients, is instead of going on social single mingles, go to meet up that speaks your interests. You know if you like photography, go join a photography group. If you like new age  cinema or independent movies, go join that group because the worse that can happen is you’ll make new friends.

But you never know who this friends know and you have people in common and a lot of relationships start as friendships. You know, but at least, when you meet people in groups that share your common interests, something brings you together. Something that’s deeper than just the way you look or how much money you make.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, I think it’s a genius plan. I can’t believe I’ve never even heard that before but it makes a lot of sense and it really ties back into originally what you’re saying. You really need to know yourself. So, if you know yourself, you know your interests, you can kind of put yourself in a position where you’re around like minded people. And I have always found, in my own opinion.

Now, I don’t know if this is–I don’t know if the research is out there or can like discredit what I’m about to say but usually it’s easier to build a relationship with someone if you have interests that are the same. It’s easier to start up a conversation, things just maybe flow a little bit more naturally. Now, I’m kind of curious to get your take on it. Do you think that’s the case or do you think sometimes opposites can attract?

Marina

Marina

Well, yes and no. I do believe that that in a lot of cases, when you find somebody who’s a mirror image of you–

 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Like that Seinfeld episode.

More currently because frankly, you might as well be by yourself and look in a mirror

or whatever it is. It’s ok since those relationships do work but what makes your relationship interesting is when you introduce each other to your likes and your interests and your hobbies. However, let me just preface that by saying, you have to have something in common. You can’t be identical. Don’t look for somebody who you know, is your clone.  However, opposites, I do think– I mean listen. They are plenty of couples there are that are day and night, unless there’s something that links them together. Something other than just physical attraction. It’s got to be something deeper than just–as important again. I will keep saying it. It’s huge, however, you have to have something to discuss at the end of the day.

And you know also, let’s think ahead. Let’s think that this relationship-yes, you’re taking baby steps today but let’s say it progresses to  three dates, five dates and the next thing you know, it’s 5 years, you’re married and now it’s 15 years. You have to ask yourself as in–let’s say, let’s not do 15. Let’s say 10 years from now, when you sit across the dinner table on this person, A) will you find each other’s company interesting and will you want to?

And that’s very important because what I see often people coming out of long term relationships, marriages with kids, what they often find is–you know they get married and then they have kids and there’s always something to talk about when you have kids because there’s always issues that come up everyday.

You take the kids out of the equation, what else is there?

And that’s where you need that little something that you are describing and that certain connection with certain interests, with certain–and believe me, I actually will be the first one to tell you that you shouldn’t have everything in common because you do need to have your own life. And I don’t think that couples will do absolutely everything, a 100% together, on the healthiest necessarily.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, I would agree with everyone needs some free space. I think over bearing can be a problem. It’s just from a man’s perspective. It might be different for women. They’re maybe a little bit more open to spending more time together but I do know generally myself, when I think of my wife, sometimes, I need some free time away.

But it’s interesting that you are talking about the sitting down on the table in 10 years and taking the kids out  and having something to discuss and kind of keeping your interest. I was actually–while you’re talking about that I was thinking what my wife and I would talk about. Because we’ll  talk about obviously our daughter so much but luckily we do have other interests and everything that we can talk about that aren’t the same.

So, there’s definitely a lot of application even for people who aren’t broken up but people in relationships with what you’re talking about here.

Yeah and you know it’s interesting because what I find fascinating is every now and then you’ll meet this happy couple who dated from college and then they got married and then have kids and all of a sudden, you know fast forward to 10 years, A) They become bored because all of a sudden everything centers around the kids. They lost themselves. And so, what happens is when they go their separate ways, they really lost themselves. So, other than discussing the kids or you know sitting home and checking home work or you know watching the news at home, there’s got to be something. Kids have great!

Kids are the most wonderful things that–however kids will eventually leave, and lead their own lives and you as a person, if you’re looking for a relationship, would you have something that you can offer the other person that makes you interesting. What I find often with those perfect couples that you know have been dating from high school or college or whatever, they get married and all of a sudden, they no longer go out by themselves. It’s always with the company of people or–

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah. I’ve actually experienced that myself ever since we got married. A little bit more difficult with you know, a one year old but even I mean–trying to think of the last time. It’s been months.

You got to work on that. Talk to me after. We need to have a talk. But here’s the thing, why?

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Mostly, we went out a lot when were living in Pennsylvania but we had her parents, my in laws to take care of the baby. So, we had free time to go out alone. We don’t have that so much when we moved to Florida because now, my parents are in Texas, her parents are in Pennsylvania and so, once in a blue moon when they come down, we get some free time. Obviously hiring a baby sitter is an option but my wife is very into the baby so, it’s like a big step for her.

 

So, I think I’m kind of easing her towards it but yeah, it’s really interesting that you’re bringing all this stuff up and obviously we have more to talk about than just our child but I think a lot of it really boils down to knowing yourself and having like you said some different interests.

We have a lot of alike interests but there are some different interests as well that we kind of bring into the table and introduce each other. I’m always doing that to her, She’s always doing that to me but yeah, your’e right. You know, it is sometimes when you get married you don’t spend as much alone time together as you once did.

When you have a child, I think especially. At least that’s been my experience.

Marina

Marina

Well, I have to say two things. Having had two kids of my own, we did two things. Baby sitters of course and if there was no baby sitter available, we’ll take them with us because nobody minds a little baby on the table and they’re not paying attention to your conversation. You could say whatever comes to your mind but I think what it boils down to, it’s not so much the kids only. It’s just a matter of,  can you two sit at a dinner table or go out dancing or whatever it is that you people want to do at the moment and really enjoy yourselves by yourselves.

Because think of it, it’s just you and her for the rest of your life hopefully. So, you have to keep bringing something into this relationship because frankly, you know, if I’m not enjoying my husband’s company then why exactly am I married? And that’s the question we need to ask in every relationship? But before we get there we need to find the person. We need to find that person and I think it’s extremely important that you could be totally differently people but you have to have some common ground that you could discuss.

Be it politics or history or religion, whatever it may be but there’s got to be something. And that doesn’t mean that you know, she doesn’t go to the ballet which he hates and he goes to football which she hates but then when they’re at home together, they’re discussing art. Whatever it may be that brings them together. As long as there’s something and as long as both people evolve at least at a steady pace.

 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Ok, so they can evolve a little bit differently but they kind of keep up with each other because I think change is always happening.

 

Marina

Marina

Yeah, and it’s scary. See, that’s another thing that I find repetitive in many relationships. Is that people evolve at such different levels and then all of sudden, one partner cannot keep up with each other. But that’s also you know, in many cases, that’s when you know to walk away because–and I do have also I counsel some people who come in to me before, they’re ready to break up, saying well, you know, ” I’m not sure I should be breaking up.” And what ends up happening is again these people are in a long term relationship that started out great but then one person changed at a different pace or in a different rate than the other or they changed in different directions.

And that’s not impossible, people do grow apart. As long as you remember that this something that you once had together and of course be willing to work at it because I also find that all too often that we are very quick to throw something away based on a whim because it’s difficult to work– and so what happens is then we come out of it and two things happen. Either you know, “He’s a bastard, I can’t believe I went out with him” or “I’m trying to see where it was that I did wrong.”

 

I just had a client about a month ago, who’s very distraught because she suspected her boyfriend was cheating on her. They had  had a relationship for about a year. They just moved in together. She started suspecting that he was cheating and the first question she asked herself is you know, “Is my gut being correct?

Should I be listening to my gut?” No, what she asked herself was, “What am I doing wrong? Am I doing something I’m not supposed to be doing? Did I stop being sexy? Did I stop being interesting?” And that’s where we have to put the brakes on and just say, “Ok, it takes two people to form a relationship.”

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Exactly right.

Marina

Marina

25:35 I don’t care how sexy and interesting you are if at some point, he’s no longer in love or no longer interested. He’s going to walk away no matter what you do. So, at the point that you start blaming yourself and I’m not saying that she’s not a 100% at fault, but it’s never one sided. It’s never a `100% his fault versus hers or vice versa. So, that something I think is always a learning exercise when you go through a relationship coming out of it. It should be a lesson. It really should be listen, “Ok, what did I do right?” 26:13 relationship

 

“What did I not do right? and where do I go from here? What is that I want in my next relationship? Because I like the way it worked in my previous one and what was it that really just went sour and I never want that to happen again in my next relationship.”

 

So, that’s what we have to be considering as well.

 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah. Yeah and I kind of want to switch gears here for a moment because a lot of the people that are listening to this right now, I feel like they’re in this limbo land. Ok, they’ve been broken up with or they’ve initiated the break up and they’re asking themselves this simple question. “Well, should I get him back or should I get over him?” Now, someone who’s in this limbo land, what would you recommend for them? What kind of questions can they ask themselves to maybe shed some light on what path they should go on?

 

Marina

Marina

Well, firstly let’s just base this particular conversation on a premise that the break up did not happen frivolously . Meaning, that you really, everything was not working out, you were not happy, he was not happy and so you know, lesson learned. Because if we going to assume that this was just on a whim. That all of a sudden he didn’t bring you flowers today and I just closed the door in a space.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, let’s take that out of the conversation.

Marina

Marina

Then I am full of regret thinking what could have. So, let’s assume this was a mutual break up and or whatever it was but it was not a good relationship and 90% of the cases, people are not totally shocked when he or she walks out.

 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

There are signs.

Marina

Marina

Yeah. They felt at least something. So, my personal opinion, I have never seen relationships that work the second time around that didn’t work because you have to think about something that draw you apart and that’s a pretty big decision to make, to work out. A lot of people say something. “I couldn’t divorce it’s like a certain form of death.” if you will.. You really are changing the way you exist. So, it is a very difficult time and it’s a very difficult thing to do. So, the question is, “Why did you break up?” and that’s the biggest starting point where we have to start this because if this were something frivolous, ok we might consider this. You know, could it work?

But the bigger issue is, stop thinking why it was, was there cheating involved, was it lack of respect, no interest in common. You know, you two were just not compatible. There was a reason. You know I really do believe that you need to move on because, depending again. It all– I have to keep you know going back to the caveat of how serously did you take this break up or you know, was it because of something big?

 

So, let’s assume that everything was pretty serious and you gave it a lot of thought, I don’t think it’s easy to bring it back. But at the same time, I don’t think that sitting back and feeling sorry for yourself is going to cut it. I mean, of course, give yourself a few days. 29:32 You know get a bottle of wine out, that music, we’ve been there, done that. It works fine. For a little while.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, yeah. I would agree with that.

Marina

Marina

You need to move on from there because what I find a lot of clients who come to me after a break up and the first he says, just like you said, on limbo? I don’t know where to go from here. I feel very lost because all of a sudden A) I’m by myself and I was never by myself and B) I tried this new dating app and it just sucks and you know they’re not swiping me the right way.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Hahaha! Tinder!

Marina

Marina

I think that again, I view every relationship that did not work as a learning lesson.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, yeah. It’s a great attitude to have.

Marina

Marina

And as long as you learned something from it. So, you know, it’s kind of like. You had your moments. The relationship had it’s moments. So, it wasn’t totally a waste of time. You did have certain respect and understanding and attraction and love or no sex or whatever it was, you had it. So, let’s move on. It’s gone. You know so, you can’t change the past.

So, let’s not even dwell on it. So, let’s just take it from the present but we do need to address the way you feel at the moment. We can’t ignore that you are depressed, you’re upset, you feel lost, you’re not quite sure which way to go, don’t ignore that. Acknowledge that and say, “Ok, but where do I go from here?” Because that’s extremely important.

“So, do I want to make sure that I don’t make the same mistakes that I did on my last relationship or do I want to make sure that the next person I’m dating will have qualities that are not like that loser that I left back there?”

But the reality is, feeling sorry for yourself for a little bit too long is not going to serve you well. You do need to do something. it’s always helpful by the way to have a support system. So, whether it’s your friends or family, it’s always helpful. However, that same support system could be so damaging because everyone has an opinion and when–well, you know, mothers are infamous giving theirs without being asked and ultimately, what you need to be able to do is manage those voices in your ear.

 

So, as they are telling you, you know you should be doing this, everyone will be telling you what you should and shouldn’t do. At the end, you need to decide what makes you comfortable and I do have a lot of women coming out of relationships–well, especially long term relationship, and all of a sudden, they’re dating away not like in a single person because their friends want to fix them up, their parents want to fix them up and they think it’s such a good idea. And she well, “You know I really didn’t like him the second I saw him but my grandmother said and his grandmother said 32:39 how could I say no?”

 

If something does– a relationship needs to feel right. If something is not feeling right, you need to reign it in, break it off, move on. You know we don’t– life is too short. We don’t have time to regret what we did in the past because we can’t change it and– we can’t change the past. So, we really need to concentrate on the present and start making 33:03 future and just to come back on what we discussed earlier in the program and that is, evaluate yourself first.
If something as–I know it sounds like a cliche but make a list of the things that you like or make a list of the things that you really would be unhappy that your new boyfriend did. Whatever it is but make a list. I was happy here. I was not happy here. Just to be able to formulate your own thoughts because that could be difficult as well because again, as you said, coming out of a relationship, it’s difficult to find yourself back.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah it really is. I don’t know if you’ve experienced this but I have a huge size of people going through break ups. So, often times, I’ll tell them exactly what you just said like, “Hey, maybe it’s time to move on.” And they’ll agree with me. So, I think they subconsciously must understand. “Ok, yeah, he’s right.” or “She’s right. I should move on.” But here’s the craziest thing, they just can’t give it up. You know they just continue to try to get him back. So, what would you say to someone who’s come to you.

They’re in this limbo land. You’ve told them, “Ok, maybe it’s time to move on.” And they agree with you but they still, every action they take doesn’t match up with maybe what they say. They’re saying kind of what they think the world wants to hear but they’re still actively trying to get their ex back. Would you just try to maybe let them go through the process or would you try to stir them in  a different direction?

Marina

Marina

Yeah, that’s a great question because there are so many instances like that and let’s just remember I’m  a coach. I am not a therapist. So, what I do with my clients is I get to the nitty gritty of the problem and then we figure out the best way of going forward and then we move forward and then we make sure get what it is that we set out to get. So, with anytime in that process, I see that something is beyond my scope of expertise, and what you’re telling me sounds exactly like a case of that, I usually refer my clients to therapy because it is a loss.

You know, as I said before, it is a form of death in some way  because it’s loss and it’s–there’s grief involved. Grief over the relationship. And as long as people can take their time, I’m all for taking your time. Don’t jump into dating just because everybody tells you to. It’s ok to take your time. I have plenty of women who will be the first one to say, “You know what, I just want to be by myself for a little while. I want to date but I want a relationship.”which is perfectly normal.

But you’re the only one who knows what’s normal for you. However, if I see that a client is not moving forward because of some issue of attachment that is not something that she seems to be able to break, I do refer them to therapy because I do think it’s important that they speak with a professional who can make them understand why they think the way they think, how to break that addiction if you will.

Because it is very similar to that and so, that is really a–but it’s a great problem. I agree with you, it’s  a big problem.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, it’s something that we have experienced a lot. And I’m kind of all for letting people go through the process but I’m really glad that you brought up the kind of understanding yourself, asking yourself the right questions, because I have found, that that’s really what gets people on the right track so to speak.

Marina

Marina

And I also have to say that, I always recommend not jumping into something big.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, I would agree with that.

Marina

Marina

Two feet right away because you do need to–it’s kind of like–again, and I hate bringing up death again but like you know, you’re not necessarily looking to resurrect whatever died. You’re looking to come to terms with it and the only way to come to terms with it, is not having the rebound person next to you. You need to be able to be comfortable with yourself.

Get to the point where you’ve come to terms and you understand the past is the past. That was your boyfriend then and you know that relationship is over. You need to find something new and I’m sure that not one of your listeners will tell you that they’ll looking for a 100% of the same relationship because you know otherwise the old one would still be going strong.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, there are clearly problems.. I mean there’s a reason for the break up. There are clearly problems and often times with cheating or maybe it’s out of the blue. The ex boyfriend says I don’t love you anymore or maybe he really–I mean I was talking to a woman the other day who’s ex boyfriend–they’ve only dated for two months. She was convinced that this is a very intense connection but I was thinking, “Well, after two months, it’s kind of hard build up like  a really intense connection versus someone who’s been dating` for 5 years.” There’s maybe a little bit more investment into the relationship at that point. But a lot of what you say, is just home run type stuff here.

Marina

Marina

It’s interesting. I’m sorry to interrupt but it’s really interesting because you brought up an extremely important point. When you’re in a relationship, you need to continuously check on you have the same wavelength.

 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, yeah. I think that’s a great advice

Marina

Marina

As I’ve have found that, there are times where what I have in my head and my boyfriend has in his head may not necessarily be

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

A match?

Marina

Marina

Not only match but even being the same product. And so `I find that to be a big problem with women. I don’t if it’s because women are more nurturing and it’s `been an instinctual feeling of you know, I’m going to nurture this relationship and then by the time they get to the part where they think it’s working then it’s perfect and we’re ready to move on but in reality it’s not even a distinction or a stereotype between men and women. I have plenty of women who said that the guy was insisting on getting married and she wasn’t ready. So, what need to do is we need to check ourselves. Are we on the same planet as a partner?

I had one couple where she was picking up wedding rings and he never even proposed. So, you know it’s a very valid point and it’s really a bigger problem I think than we realize where people just don’t see eye to eye.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

I’m really glad that you brought this up. This is–so my first reaction to it is like “Ok, yeah she’s absolute right.” But how would you go about that without starting a fight or maybe upsetting your partner because sometimes, trying to check and see if you’re in the same wavelength can lead to this kind of disagreements especially if you’re not on the same wavelength right? Take the wedding ring example, I’m sure the guy doesn’t appreciate that right?

Marina

Marina

Oh, not at all. They broke up. Ok, let’s start with the most simplest thing and everybody overlooks it and that’s your gut. I know I say that all the time. But we all know deep in the pit of our stomachs what feels right and if something is not a 100%, chances are something is not a 100%. So, first thing is you need to listen to your gut and just feel the relationship. Now, let’s put the gut aside and let’s go into our head. You have to be able to understand your partner. You have to be able to discuss things but if you are continuously bringing up marriage and engagement and he doesn’t seem engaged in the conversation, then it could be a very simple conversation. “Ok, what are your long term plans? What are we thinking? Are you thinking 10 years?” Just hypothetically speaking” Because what I find is, women are a lot quicker to jump both feet into the relationship and start making plans.
And guys are sometimes more hesitant and just slow moving. So, what happens is then the woman ends up here and he’s still down there somewhere and before you know it they’re now out there fighting because like you said, they don’t see eye to eye. So, A) you need to be able to have honest conversations without getting into a fight over because if you see that every time you bring up an engagement or marriage, it triggers a fight, guess what? He’s not ready for either.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

That’s right, yeah.

 

Marina

Marina

Either you have a talk with him about long term plans because that is important. And if you think that as a result of it, you see that yes, marriage  is in his scenario but just not yet because you’ve been dating 2 months. So, many you should put it off but at the same time, I always coach women to check yourselves at certain part of relationship. Let’s say you’re dating two years, you’re 35 years old and you want to have kids and you know it’s going nowhere. So, at some point you need to be able to walk away because if what you want is marriage and what he wants is no marriage

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

No kids probably either.

Marina

Marina

Then it’s not going to happen. What usually bothers me is that I see women over and over again saying, “Well, I know he says that but I’m going to change his mind.” Well, I’m not so sure about that.

 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, it’s difficult to change someone’s mind too espeicially if they’re really stubborn on the issue.

Marina

Marina

Which is why it’s important to discuss these things when you first meet. Because then it’s not as uncomfortable because again you’re not talking about each other. You’re talking abstract, you’re talking vague –not at first date. You know, if it was 3rd, 4th  day and you know let’s not jump the gun on the first day but let’s say you went out a couple of times, you two know early in the relationship what each other wants and your long term plans because if he tells from the get go that marriage is not in his plans, then I doubt that you will change his mind.

If he’s really strong set because you know, a lot of men will be honest with you and they’ll say, “You know what? I do want to get married one day. I’m not in a rush but I want to get married one day.” Ok, however if he says that 3 years running and you know, you’re now have been going out for 3 years and you feel like your biological clock is ticking, then you need to make the decision to walk away because he’s not going to change. He’s not going to marry you and if that’s the case and this marriage is important, you need to decide at some point, you know, you just 44:13 it out and the pain becomes more and more with every day that you’re together.
But again, I think it’s extremely important to talk about important things in the early stages of relationship. So, as the relationship progress–it may not progress for both of you on the same scale, however, at least you both know that you’re moving in the same direction and it’s a lot easier to do that in the beginning because if you’re dating two years and you don’t know what he or she wants, that’s going to be a tougher time, trying to A) figure it out and then B) get yourselves on that same path.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, it’s interesting too because I feel like dating now, online dating has blown up right? And it’s kind of difficult to have those kind of conversations, especially very in depth where you’re talking about your–maybe your goals or where you want to end up in life, kids, marriage, all that kind of thing can scare a man off too. Especially if you’re not in person, you’re not in the same space, so it goes back to what you were saying earlier about how sometimes you have to put the online world away and step out into the real world and have this kind of conversations there.

Marina

Marina

Well, just to interrupt you. If you are having this conversations and they’re aligned and you haven’t met yet,

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

That’s a problem

Marina

Marina

You shouldn’t be having those conversations. Because those are not the kind of–I’ve seen people who come to me say, “You know, I’ve been dating this guy for  year now and we’re about to meet. No, you’re not dating.” Talking to somebody you’ve never met online for all you know, it’s not even a he, it’s a she and you know.

 

 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

There’s that show catfish you know.

Marina

Marina

Yeah, exactly. So, let’s just make that clear. You need to take that offline as soon as possible. If it’s not coming offline, if you’re not making a date to meet. If you think that you find each other interesting, and you know and what should be happening in life is surface talk because basically a lot of stuff is in your profile; what you do for a living, your interests and all that stuff. So, some time soon after you start, you know, you introduce yourself online, you immediately should be taking that offline.

And if you’re not, something is extremely wrong because what is the reason that you don’t want to meet somebody? That you want to continue this virtual relationship? So, that conversation should be happening offline. But it should be happening relatively quick after you meet. Not as quick as the first, the second date but when you see that it could potentially develop into a relationship..

 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Ah so, when it’s you when you start feeling like, “Hmm, I might see myself with this person.” That’s when you’d recommend ok having this kind of a conversation.

Marina

Marina

There’s not formula. There’s really no formula to say it should be date number 4.

 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Right so, it’s sort of a gut type thing to your point.

 

Marina

Marina

In some cases, 47:06 some people who 47:07 in love for the first sight and you know they’re having this conversation by the second date and it’s perfectly fine because both of them know that they want to take this relationship somewhere and they want to prevent it from going sour because they want to make sure that they both have the same desires and goals in mind and it’s extremely important to have that and frankly it’s not easy to have that conversation you know when you first meet than 3 years down the road when you’re fighting over that.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah and it ‘s sort of the smart way to date. Probably, I don’t think a lot of people do it until maybe a little bit later down the road and it’s something that should be almost mandatory. So, you don’t find yourself with the wrong person like you said 10 years down the road,

Marina

Marina

I think it’s a self defense mechanism. You know because you’re basically questioning yourself. “Well, what is it that I like about this person? Oh he’s a 48:01 .” Good, great but where is he is going and where are you going? So, is that going to be enough to sustain  a relationship that he just looks great 48:10. Sleep with him but does that mean you need to you know, start  planning a lifetime?

Probably not. So, it’s a lot better to get under the cover, so to speak. Relatively early because again I think it’s also easier to do that. It’s easier to talk about ti when it’s all abstract and in the future, you know 5 years from now, 10 years from now versus, “Listen, when are you going to get me the ring you’ve been promising for the last two years?” That is a lot more difficult.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

It’s sort of a timey type thing. You want to have this conversation sooner than later because if you’re having it later, it’s usually not a good thing.

 

Marina

Marina

I have this whole big thing with online dating that I think we tend to lose sight of personal interaction. I hate to sound like an old 48:58 but I think to a certain degree we already lost it, this ability to interact with people. You know, and especially like in one of my socials, I have people who live a lot away from each other and they never met.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, you told me that story. That’s insane to me.

Marina

Marina

And they both have dogs–

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

They’re like the perfect match and they were just like–

Marina

Marina

Exactly.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

It took them online to meet I guess right?

Marina

Marina

They have to go outside and mingle–the bottomline is, there are people out there and you know, it doesn’t cost you anything to say hello to a stranger 49:32 or you know go to the bar. Instead of having a glass of wine by yourself, go to a bar but don’t sit on the table, sit on the bar because people there are not there because you know wine is less expensive at the bat. It’s not..

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

They’re there to meet.

Marina

Marina

Exactly they have the whole bottle for the price of a glass a place near in New York. So, but the reason people sit at the bar is because they want to communicate with each other. They want to talk to each other. They want to socialize. So, if you sit in a bar, you’re sure to meet at least–you know what, if nothing else, the bartender will talk to you. It’s his or her job to talk to you. That’s what they do. But you never know who you will meet. And this way you eliminate all the false expectations or false preparations in trying to figure out what to write and the photo to put in because here’s a person you like or you don’t like them.

You know, you know right away. But there’s a lot of that, that I think is missing from dating today that I hope, we can somehow 50:36  back. I mean online dating is fine, the problem I find is that people think that’s enough. They are convinced if I’m online 24/7, for hours, I’m writing this profiles, then I’m doing what I need to be doing. No, you need  to go out there.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

It’s kind of a lazy way of dating too. Like it’s really easy to do it you know.

Marina

Marina

Well, it’s a lot easier to hide behind a computer.

 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

That’s true and yo can make yourself look how you want to look too. So, it’s not almost, –it’s not your true self. It’s your best self. Like everything that you can think is best about yourself, you’re going to put in your online profile because that’s what you want to do.

Marina

Marina

Which is fine, the problem I come across often is that people take that a step further. Because we all want to see ourselves in the best light and we tend to embellish a little. Now, I’m going to–

 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Ah, so they tell a little bit of white lie.

Marina

Marina

Uhm, not necessarily a white lie but I would say just a bit of exaggeration but a lot of times we believe in it because we see ourselves the way we would like to be perceived and that’s what we put out there for online dating.

And then it’s a bit disappointing because then you meet somebody who’s expecting this persona that you created online. You know I always tell the girls, like listen you know, put in the photo when you were at your at your fattest. No make up on, hair disheveled, you just rolled out of bed.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Oh reverse psycho–so, like when they show up for the date, you’re like way better looking than they were expecting. That’s pretty clever.

Marina

Marina

And you know, if he likes your personality. I mean he’s willing to date at your worst when you show up, you’re a princess. You know you have no–

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

it just sometimes takes someone with a different perspective to kind of the light bulbs kind of go off.

Marina

Marina

Right but a lot of the photos that I see, they’re either photoshopped  or from 5 years ago or before I gained 25 pounds and that’s just not fair because what happens I find is a lot of time when we meet based on this personal that we created, we start dating based on this persona that we’ve created. And so, as a result, it’s not me who’s dating, it’s now that persona who’s doing the dating and all of a sudden I wake up 6 months from now and I don’t want to be that persona.

I want to be myself but guess what, my partner doesn’t like myself because he’s never met that self before. So, it’s not fair to the partner to lead with the wrong persona and frankly, it’s not fair to me because I want to live  my life, not as somebody else but as me. So, I think it’s never a good idea. You know, and lying, especially at the start of relationship, and I would have to throw embellishments in there. It’s ok to 53:28 in a good light.

I mean let’s be realistic, we all show up for dates looking our best. We have to make sure that we are in heels here and make up everything is done because we want to look our best and feel our best. I get it. That’s perfectly fine. Now, eventually, they will see us without make up but you know, it always have been darker there. But that is expected of a woman however, creating a persona that doesn’t really exist and starting a relationship with a lie, that never works out.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Not often. Now, I want to switch gears here and talk about your website. So, not only do you have a nice looking website. You have a lot of services that you provide to people and you have one service in particular.  I think I can guarantee everyone listening to this who’s in New York, I think that’s your match making service?

Marina

Marina

Yeah, I do have a match making service.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

But the coaching is probably better fit for the people listening to this podcast. So, why don’t you tell us more about the coaching.

Marina

Marina

Absolutely. So, I do coaching for both men and women. It’s dating coaching and I have a variety of packages, from three sessions to ten sessions. If you need longer, we can start 54:37 for longer. I insist that all of my coaching sessions are done by video. So, be it Skype, Facetime, whatever it is as long as I can see you. And basically, what we do during those sessions is exactly what we discussed today and that is we try to figure out what makes you tick. We try to figure out what you are worth, your best features and not so good features that need to, not necessarily be hidden but tucked away at least or stippled a little bit.

 

And so, once we work on that, and once you know you want to stay in what you bring in to table, then we design a plan of dating. I call it the dating blue print. How are we going to go forward and what are you going to do to find the person that you want to because dating–And here’s something else and I know 55:30 in my own self but a lot of people started approaching dating-especially people coming out of relationships, as looking for  a job or it becomes so stressful. It’s dating for Pete’s sake. It should be fun. It should be effortless and that’s what I teach my clients, is to date in a fun and effortless way but also to bring results because you need to be able to try in that first date, with the person who you chose which is extremely important, you need to date on our own terms.

 

And that’s what I teach my clients. How to date on their own terms, how to choose `the potential dates and then how to progress from the first date to the second and then eventually to what, happily ever after.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, I have to say, you really know your stuff and you have all of the awards and all of that stuff and this is something I feel a lot of the people listening to this right now, can benefit from. So, I just want to say, check out Marina’s site. Where can they find your site?

 

Marina

Marina

They can find me at www.nysocials.com. If you’re in New York, I always encourage, let’s meet in person and let’s do this in person, otherwise, video is just fine.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

And just on that, if you are in New York and you want to meet up with her in person, she’s very lovely. She’s got purple hair. She makes you feel warm and welcome and I think a lot of people have really nice things to say about her.

 

Marina

Marina

Thank you.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

So I think that’s going to do it for us. Do you have parting words of wisdom you want to impart on us Marina?

Marina

Marina

People get tired of me saying that, but dating should be effortless and fun, Just remember that.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Ok bye

October 11, 2016

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