By Chris Seiter

Published on December 14th, 2021

This is a complete guide on how to ask your ex for another chance. We’re going to be talking a lot about choosing the right moment to strike because our clients have found that to be one of the most impactful things that they can do to see success in winning their exes back.

Here’s exactly how you should go about asking for a second chance:

  1. Adhere to the value ladder concept
  2. Getting to this place emotionally where you don’t care to get them back anymore
  3. Your conversations need to become more meaningful
  4. Your dates should have a romantic progression
  5. Learn to ask for them back the right way

What makes these five steps so valuable is that here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery we have a strong history of getting great results. Since our inception in 2012 we have had thousands of success stories come through our program and with each new success we’ve learned a little more about what actually works in the field.

The five concepts I mention above have all been stress tested and are proven to work.

Let’s dive in.

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Step One: Adhere To The Value Ladder Concept

If you’re not familiar with the value ladder concept this is a great opportunity to teach you about it because the number one mistake I see people making is not adhering to it.

When it comes to asking your ex for another chance context and timing are key. Most people think that after a little bit of time goes by cooler heads will prevail. I’ve found this to be completely untrue.

In fact, if you aren’t able to slowly rebuild value with your ex through the value ladder you’re just setting yourself up for failure.

So, how does the value ladder as a concept actually work?

Take a look at the graphic below.

This is what we call our value ladder. The theory behind it is simple. Before you “go for the kill” and ask your ex if you want to be official again you need to build up value through different mediums of communication of which there are really three types.

  1. The Texting Phase
  2. The Phone Call Phase
  3. The Meetup Phase

How do you build up value?

Well, you engage your ex in meaningful conversations, get them to invest more time into you than anyone else and you consistently be the one to end the conversations first.

I’m making it sound simple but I assure you it isn’t.

In fact, climbing to the top of the value ladder is among one of the most difficult things you’ll read about on this website but knowing what to do isn’t going to get you results. You need the right frame of mind which leads us to step two.

Step Two: Get To This Place Emotionally Where You Don’t Want Them Back Anymore

It sounds counterintuitive.

How could it be possible that an ex would want you more when you don’t want them.

Yet it’s the one consistent pattern we’ve seen when interviewing success stories like this,

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Or even hearing from success stories like this,

Consistently we hear from real people who have gotten their exes back that they really didn’t start to see success until they got to this place emotionally where they really didn’t want them back anymore.

In fact, I became so fascinated with this phenomenon that on a recent success story interview I literally asked a client,

“Do you think this mentality is something you can fake?”

Her response,

“No, you have to mean it.”

This is actually the main reason for why we’ve revamped our version of the no contact rule. It used to just be the strategy where you ignored your ex to make them miss you. Now it’s the strategy where you ignore your ex so you have time to really figure out if you want them back or not.

We’ve structured it so that the focus is on YOU instead of them.

So, ideally before you even get started on “climbing” the value ladder you’ll need to have this “I don’t care if I get them back” mentality.

Step Three: Your Conversations Need To Become More Meaningful

So, how does one build value throughout the value ladder?

I know I’ve quoted this a lot throughout the history of this website but it’s been ages since I’ve done it so technically it’s fresh 😉 .

One of my favorite movies growing up was the original movie “High Fidelity.” Specifically because of this scene,

“What really matters in relationships is what you like, not what you are like.”

Now, there’s HUGE flaws with that statement but when you look at it from a value perspective it kind of makes sense. Humans tend to be tribal by nature so it makes sense that we’re going to be drawn to someone who shares many of our same likes and dislikes.

But talking about things your ex is interested in and relating to them on it isn’t going to get you the cake.

Instead what you really need to “bond over” is WHY you like the same things. That’s where depth and interest is created.

It seems like such a simple concept but I assure you that it’s not because most of us are hardwired to ask “what” instead of “why.”

I’ll give you an example. I recently attended a birthday party and started bonding with someone over a shared love of movies. My friend asks me,

“What’s your favorite movie?”

“That’s a little like being asked to pick your favorite child but I’m going to go with Interstellar” I say.

“That’s cool man, I like that movie too” He responds.

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And that was the end of the conversation. Now, imagine if he had just taken the time to ask one clarifying question.

Why do you like interstellar so much? This line of questioning forces me to think and get to the essence of what touches me so much about that movie. It opens me up to having a deep conversation and the more I touch that part of my soul the more I think that this person who inspired me to do it is pretty cool.

Imagine stringing hundreds of little conversations like that.

This is how you build quality.

Step Four: Your Dates Should Have A Romantic Progression

Technically when you get to the “meet up” phase of the value ladder you’re looking at the different types of dates and what they say.

Notice how each of the dates progresses towards more romantic pastures.

In an odd way this one part of the value ladder has it’s own value ladder.

  1. Small meetups lead to
  2. Medium dates which lead to
  3. Large romantic dates

So, what are some actual examples of what these types of “dates” look like.

Well, to quickly put it in perspective,

  1. Meetups = Coffee
  2. Dates = Dinner
  3. Romantic Dates = Horseback Riding + Dinner

Now, what I want you to keep in mind is that the entire goal of every step in this process that I’ve laid out for you thus far is to make your ex more receptive towards saying “yes” when you inevitably ask them for that second chance.

Just like music slowly builds to a crescendo so to does asking for an ex back.

Step Five: Learn To Ask For Them Back The Right Way

I started Ex Boyfriend Recovery in 2012 and I started coaching in 2016.

One of my first ever coaching clients was struggling with asking for her ex back. She had advanced up the value chain and her ex was basically doing everything with her that he was doing with her during their relationship.

Yet she still couldn’t get him to bite so I suggested that she be the one to ask for him back.

She was immediately resistant.

Shouldn’t the guy be the one to ask for the girl back if he was the one who broke up with her? 

In a perfect world yes, she’s right. The person who broke up with their ex should be the one to ask for the ex back but we don’t live in a perfect world and then I thought back to my first experience with “asking” a girl to be official.

Turns out I was a massive coward. I think I was afraid of being rejected because I didn’t have a ton of luck with women before and things seemed to be going well with this one so in my brain as long as I didn’t say anything I couldn’t screw it up.

The breakup initiator has a similar fear. They are afraid you could reject them. They’re also afraid that asking you to get back together because it’s an admission that they made a mistake and no one likes to be wrong.

Of course, you still have to ask the correct way to guarantee they say yes.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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Generally speaking those who have rushed the process tend to fail because they haven’t built enough of a strong foundation. They also tend to be horrible at locating the correct time to ask.

If you aren’t familiar with my theory on conversations I’m a big believer that every conversation has a certain flow to it.

If the conversation is too short it can never really get off the ground and become meaningful or romantic. If it’s too long it sort of becomes boring. Those who are best at getting exes to agree to give them a second chance are excellent at finding the high point of the date. The most romantic moment and then initiating the ask.

But how do you go about actually asking for your ex back.

Honestly all you really need to do once you’ve located the high point/most romantic moment is simply say the following phrase,

“So, what are we?”

We recommend you phrase it this way because it forces your ex to verbalize the commitment. Though if you’ve done your job right they’ll likely say that they are yours.

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