By Chris Seiter

Updated on September 16th, 2021

Today, we’re going to talk about what it means when an ex-boyfriend wants to hang out with you.

So ultimately, we’re going to be defining what that situation looks like and it’s not necessarily the most common situation that we encounter within our coaching practice, but we do see it from time to time.

  • So we will be defining what it means.
  • Next, we’ll be looking at really what cost cause them to want to hang out with you.
  • Why would they ask you out after a breakup?
  • And we’re also going to be talking about if hanging out with them is a good idea or not.
  • Should you do it?
  • And if you do decide to do it, how should you be acting when you hang out with them?

So without further ado, let’s just jump right into it. All right.

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What Does It Mean If Your Ex Wants To Hang Out With You

So what does this actually look like?

What does it mean if your ex wants to hang out with you?

Now, the truth is that it’s really not a one size fits all kind of an answer.

There are any number of interpretations for what it means when they want to hang out with you, what the intent is behind the ask.

  1. They could want you back.
  2. They could just be trying to be nice to you.
  3. They could be trying to set up a friends with benefits type situation.

Now, the real challenge isn’t necessarily understanding why they’re doing it or understanding what it means, rather, it’s understanding which interpretation is real.

Now, I spent some time actually game planning what I was going to say when I came to this section of this information.

And ultimately, I think I came up with a pretty cool approach to potentially helping you understand which interpretation is real.

So I’ve given forth three main interpretations for what it means when an ex wants to hang out with you.

They could want you back. They could be just trying to be nice, or they could be trying to set up a friends with benefits type situation.

Now, what’s interesting is when you look at each of these three encounters, or situations, or interpretations, each one has almost different symptoms.

So while in many cases you’re going to find the common theme throughout, you just kind of have to wait and see what their actions sort of tell you. There are some telltale signs that this person’s leaning more towards this way, or this person’s leaning more towards that way.

So what I’d like to do is go through each of these three interpretations and tell you what some of those telltale signs are.

Interpretation #1: They Could Want You Back

So let’s go first with the, what it will look like if they want you back.

So your ex basically broke up with you.

Most of the people here have been through the receiving end of a breakup.

Maybe you go through a no contact rule. You stumble across some of our pieces of content.

You like what you hear, you start implementing it. And then when you do get back in touch with them, they want to hang out with you. So what would it look like if they wanted to hang out with you because they wanted you back?

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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Well, the first thing you should really pay attention to is if they bring up the past a lot.

We’re noticing that most of our clients have anxious attachment styles.

Now, we’re not saying this as like, “You need to be diagnosed with an anxious attachment style disorder.” It’s not like that. They just have anxious tendencies after the breakup, because for them, their entire world revolves around this breakup.

Now, a lot of our work is sort of shifting their focus from focusing less about making their entire world about the breakup and more about like, “Hey, look at all these other interesting things that you can do.”

But we also know from dealing with these anxious attachment styles, individuals that their exes tend to be avoidant attachment styles. And what’s interesting about avoidant attachment styles is they really live for reminiscing.

They really live for nostalgia. Oftentimes, we’re finding that most of your exes will not begin to actually miss you until they feel safe missing you.

And the only way they feel safe missing you is if they feel like you’ve moved on from them or that you don’t want them back anymore.

Then they give themselves permission to miss you. So what ends up happening is they get this bout of nostalgia and they want to try things again. So what they’ll do is they’ll bring up the past a lot.

“Hey, do you remember that really interesting time we had on the beach?” or, “Hey, do you remember when we went on that spur of the moment vacation?”

Usually what you’re going to be looking for if they’re bringing up the past a lot is going to be romantic situations in the past. Now I’m not talking about intimate situations.

I’m not talking about when you got hot and heavy type situation. I’m talking about really meaningful emotional situations.

Like the first time he or she told you that they love you, or the first time that you maybe opened up to them in a way that really was meaningful for them.

So they’ll bring up the past a lot and specifically those type of situations in the past.

They may also apologize for their part in the breakup.

They may take some ownership of, “I was a real jerk to you.” What you’ll also notice is they’ll say, “I love you a lot,” or, “I miss you.”

This is a little bit rarer because most of the time they won’t say I love you until they’re back together with you, but they will say, “I miss you.” And they’ll hint at these kinds of things before the meetup.

This is an important and often underlooked at fact.

Most of the time people are focusing on what happens during the meetup.

Well, if they want you back, these types of things will creep in before the meetup actually occurs. So that’s the first interpretation on what to look for if they potentially want you back.

Interpretation #2: They’re Just Trying To Be Nice To You

The second interpretation is if they’re just trying to be nice to you. So the whole concept of them trying to be nice to you really revolves around the concept of staying friendly after a breakup.

So what happens with these types of people is they’re friend zoning you.

But what’s interesting about the friend zone that I don’t think often gets talked about a lot is the concept that your ex, if they friend zones, you is still getting something out of it, and that’s the emotional aspect of a friendship with you.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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So what you’re looking for here, if they’re just trying to be nice is before the meetup, they’re opening up to you an extreme way emotionally, but they don’t become romantic with you.

So you’ll get the sense that they’re just essentially using you for emotional support. And what ends up happening and we’re going to talk a little bit about this when we talk about what causes them to want to hang out with you is the grass is greener syndrome might play a role here.

So maybe at some point in their relationship with you, they feel unsatisfied and break up with you because they think they can find someone better.

And what ends up happening is sometimes when they don’t find that someone better, or maybe they do find someone better, that someone better does not meet their emotional needs like you met their emotional needs. So what they’re looking to do is try to set up a situation where they can get their physical needs met elsewhere, but their emotional needs met from you.

So that’s the second big interpretation and things to look out for.

Interpretation #3: Friends With Benefits

The third one is a friends with benefits type situation where they’re not necessarily coming into it with the intent of playing you, but they are coming into it with the intent of becoming intimate with you. So oftentimes, before you guys meet up together, they’ll bring up times that you were actually together in the past a lot.

So they’ll flirt with you, but it will become very sexual very fast and it will make maybe even you a little bit uncomfortable and start questioning, “Should friends be talking this way to each other?”

That’s a good sign that this is mostly what they’re going to be after. We’ve seen this happen a lot before the actual meetup.

And then of course, when you get to the actual meetup, they will actually engage in aggressive type of flirting. I don’t know how to say this without being blunt, but they will try to make a move. Oftentimes, what’s interesting is and this is mostly women listening to this podcast, but a big aspect of the dating area for men specifically is the pickup artist niche.

And it’s always interesting because I never try to excuse any concept that I think can help my clients. So what was interesting is a few years ago, I took a look at like, “Okay, well, what are these pickup artists recommending and can we use any of the things on a reverse area towards the men that my clients are trying to get back?” And what’s interesting is this idea of kino flirting came up.

So kino flirting is like where your progressive really ratcheting up the intensity of physical touch on a date. So like, if you imagine on a date you start with the slightest physical touch, a hug, and then maybe you slowly touch their hand in a gesture when you’re telling a story.

Then maybe you’re starting holding hands and it just continues to progress from there.

What you’re actually looking for if your ex is trying to create a friends with benefits situation is this subconscious kino flirting.

So subconsciously what will happen is on the date they will begin touching you in these ways. It will start out light, but then the intensity will become more and more intense as the date goes on. And then eventually they will ultimately try to make their move.

Now, I don’t think I need to say this, but I’m going to say it just to cover my bases. We do not believe in sleeping with exes before you actually get a commitment. We find that if you do end up with a friends with benefits situation, it’s actually among one of the most difficult situations to get out of. All right. So let’s switch gears here and talk a little bit about what causes them to want to hang out with you.

What Causes An Ex To Want To Hang Out With You

And I kind of already gave the answer away a little bit earlier when explaining the interpretations, but we’re finding that a huge reason or a huge motivation for why your ex-boyfriend will want to hang out with you after the breakup is the grass is greener effect.

I think you can make one big blanket statement about all breakups in that, usually they occur because one or both parties thinks that they can find someone else to better meet their needs. This is the very definition of the grass is greener effect.

So they sit there and think, “Well, I can find a better alternative to you. I can find someone that meets my needs better than you, and I’m going to prove it.” And this is also a little bit of where that winning the breakup concept comes into play as well.

A lot of times people with a grass is greener syndrome want the grass is greener to be on the other side so badly because it means that they were right, that their decision does not have to be lived with regret.

Of course, what ends up happening is usually it’s a 50-50 proposition.

Sometimes the grass isn’t greener on the other side.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

And when they realize the grass isn’t greener, they have to walk this really tight, tight rope where they are not admitting that they were wrong for breaking up with you, but also knowing deep down that they regret their decision.

So you have this paradox that exists where on the one hand, they want to keep their pride.

They want to make sure that they, they did not make a mistake. But on the other hand, they’re having extreme regret because they’re realizing how much they miss you. So oftentimes, what ends up happening is there’s the slow progression towards them asking you out.

And we think this is one of the big causes that makes them want to hang out with you. And I do think you can sort of loop in the interpretations that we talked about as well. If they want you back, this is certainly the case.

If they’re just trying to be nice, there’s even a grass is greener effect there because they’re looking for emotional needs to get met. If they want friends with benefits, again, you have a grass is greener effect because they’re really looking for the physical needs to get met.

So they’re regretting their decision to leave you.

Is Hanging Out With Your Ex A Good Idea?

Now, let’s get to the rub. Is hanging out with them a good idea?

This one’s a hard one to answer, because really it depends where you are in the process.

So one of the things that I talk a lot about on the podcast, the articles, the YouTube channel, even the program is the concept of the value ladder.

So the value ladder, if you don’t know what it is, the best analogy I can give you is imagine that you have a ladder up against a house. In order to climb the ladder, you have to take each step one by one.

This is the way you should be approaching trying to get an ex back.

That’s the approach that you want to take.

You start out with something very, very light. Well, let’s back up. You start out first with the no contact rule.

And then after that, you start off with something very, very light where you’re just text messaging them back and forth and building a connection through text messaging.

Then after that connection has been built through text messaging, you advance up and start calling on the phone or mixing in phone calls or FaceTime or Zooms with them to try to ratchet up the tension.

I think also sending them videos can be included here or sending them voice notes can be included here. Once enough attraction had been built up, then you meet up with them. But you don’t meet up with them in a romantic way.

You meet up with them in a light, a non-romantic/little romantic way and then after enough of those meetups have happened, then you go on your first true romantic date.

And if you’re able to go through that progression 9 times out of 10, if you’re a female, your ex will ask for you back. Though, we do have sort of a protocol for what to do if you are in a situation where you’re ex is too cowardly to ask for you back.

Now, this is where it gets difficult, because what essentially is happening with this topic where your ex boyfriend wants to hang out with you is they are skipping to the top of the value ladder. So here’s my approach.

My approach is this is truly a gut decision, but I think in my opinion, you should not hang out with them during a no contact rule, unless they specifically state they want you back. That’s the one caveat.

Other than that, a no contact rule has to be finished and completed in order for you to consider hanging out with them. But ideally in a perfect world, what we want is to build up some anticipation for that meet up.

So they want to hang out with you.

And the best way to do that is, let’s assume you’re in a situation where you finish a no contact rule, you get back in touch with them, and then your ex immediately wants to hang out with you.

Do you say yes or no? Well, you kind of do the middle of the road approach, which where you say yes, but then you reschedule. What I mean by that is you say yes, but reschedule to a later date immediately say, “I would love to, I’m busy on this day. Does this day work for you instead?”

The reason for that is it gives you some time to look… It does two things really. The first thing is it really tests to see how much your ex-boyfriend really wants to hang out with you.

The second thing is it gives you more time to continue building a connection so that you can kind of come into this with some type of momentum. What happens if you don’t do that though?

Well, we have seen it work out. I’m not going to sit here and lie to you. In some cases, we’ve had people completely disregard the advice that I just gave. Merely hanging out with their ex, their ex immediately asked for them back.

But, in over 70% of the cases, it doesn’t work out. Why?

It doesn’t work out because ultimately your ex-boyfriend is looking for some time type of need to get met. Either usually they want an emotional need met or a physical need met. Once those needs are met, once you hang out with them, the chase is over. They’ve gotten what they’ve looked at and they’re thinking to themselves, “I didn’t really want her back anyways.”

Yet, the approach is different if you make them work for it a little bit. And I’m not saying like physically, I’m saying, make them work just for your time. All of a sudden they value you more. So that is the thinking behind why you should sort of say yes, but schedule.

How You Should Act If You Decide To Hang Out With Them

Okay. So how should you act if you decide to hang out with them? This is a really good question.

And to be honest with you, if it’s your first meetup, I think you should only come into this with a few tenet rules that you’re abiding by. If you come into this with the script of exactly what you’re going to say, it usually ends up being super awkward and not so efficient.

Instead, come into this with only a few guidelines.

The guidelines are, you’re not going to really bring up the past relationship. If they bring up the past relationship, don’t pretend and it didn’t exist. Acknowledge it, and then change the subject and say, “Yeah, I’d really like to talk about where we are right now.” Or, “I’d really like to talk about something else interesting.” I don’t know, think of something. The second big rule that you want to do is you should always look great.

Show them what they’re missing out on. And really the third big rule is if you’re going to compare with something, it needs to be something important that you do during the no contact rule. So we’ve been talking a lot about the no contact rule and the concept of the Holy Trinity.

And really the Holy Trinity is a fancy way of saying someone who has anxious attachment tendencies will… If you can imagine their time is like a cake. Someone who has anxious attachment style tendencies, 70% of that cake is dedicated to their ex, 30% is dedicated to all the other aspects of their life. What we’re really trying to get you to do during the no contact rule is to make your ex only 30% of the cake and the rest of your life 70% of the cake. That’s what we’re trying to get you to do. And then what you’re doing with your time should be noteworthy enough to mention.

Here’s an example using a health-based type thing. So I recently have gotten into cycling. I’ve sustained an injury in my foot. I was training for a marathon. So I sustained an injury in my foot and I needed something low impact to do. So I got into cycling and started really getting into it and trying to understand like, “Okay, what are the best bicycles? What’s the best cadence? And what’s the best way to train?”

So I bought a bike and realized there’s this really cool program online called Zwift, which allows you to basically set a real bike up in your house and ride in a digital world with other people. And it’s really cool. I just literally was doing it before I started talking about this topic. And it’s really cool because you could see other people’s paces.

So you get to kind of race them a little bit, but also you get to see all sorts of cool things. The scenery alone just helps you not focus on how much pain it is to continue pedaling. And it’s really cool. If you get a smart trainer, it simulates what it’s like to actually go up a hill.

There’s really cool maps on there. There’s like a map where you can ride through a volcano. There’s a map where there’s dinosaurs around and you’re just riding. There’s pre-programmed workouts. It’s just this really cool thing.

Now, if you tell that type of a thing to your ex, it’s going to do a couple of things. Number one, is it going to say, “Wow, she’s been working out.” Number two is, “Wow, that’s really cool. Zwift, I’m going to have to check that out.” And it’s even better if you have some sort of physical… like the Zwift has this app that you can use on your phone, where you can show people your workouts and make friends. It’s like a bicycle support group type thing.

But it’s like a cool story to sort of share. You just need to come into the date, or the hangout, or the meetup with that type of a mentality.

Just talk about what you’ve been doing without your ex and don’t rub it in, just make it really interesting.

Talk about one aspect and usually that’s enough. So that’s going to do it.

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56 thoughts on “My Ex-Boyfriend Wants to Hang Out”

  1. Clara

    February 21, 2022 at 5:41 pm

    Hi team,
    Bf moved in with other woman a month ago. Did a 32 day ncr. He came home asking to be friends. Tried to hug me but I said it’s not fair on the new girlfriend. Was messaging for an hour then I cut it off on a high. He keeps wanting to meet. I said I’m busy the day he requested.
    Are these good signs? Any advice please
    One day i hope to write you a testimony!! Thanks

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 1, 2022 at 11:12 pm

      Hey Clara, yes it does sound good but it can also sound as if he is feeling guilty for moving too fast with the new girl. I would say that you need to complete a 45 days NC not 32…

  2. Tiffany Miller

    February 21, 2022 at 5:51 am

    My boyfriend and I broke up. Together for 4 years and he left me. He said he doesn’t want to hurt me and he said he been hurting me . Now he has girlfriend with 5 kids and we still text and want us be friends. He want to be in my life and still care and he said I do love you. If I text him he said I would be blocked and he not allowed talk to me around his girlfriend. But yet he wants to be friends. He said we can hangout while his girlfriend go on vacation. I’m so confused. I do love him but I’m trying my best to move on . Been single almost 6 month and he been with that chick for 2 months.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 21, 2022 at 10:41 am

      Hi Tiffany, you need to follow a 45 day NC and let him be with this new woman without you there to talk to when he misses you. He needs to feel that he has lost you. Spend your 45 days working on yourself and start dating. He is trying to be your friend because he wants you as an option right now. He is willing to speak to you behind his girlfriends back, knowing this information means that she does see you as a threat so give this some time and work the program.

  3. anne

    August 18, 2021 at 3:14 pm

    HI there my ex and I broke up 1 month ago and he found out on social media i am dating someone else and sent me a message about how embarrassed he was on how we broke up and he felt like i didn’t listen to him as i kept cutting him off in the fight, this was due to me thinking he will always have the other girl in the wing. And sure enough we broke up she was back Tuesday at his house and has been there the whole time we were broke up. I asked him to meet for coffee and talk about the break up and that i wanted nothing more as he stated that he wants me to move on but the confusion is why the text as I am now with someone else ? What is his motive, I will always love him but I cant love the way she is always in the wing waiting for him to come back as it is drug induced.

  4. Heshani Ileperuma

    May 24, 2021 at 8:43 pm

    It was a 8 month thing that wasn’t exactly defined. There was a lot of miscommunication on both ends. He wanted a serious thing at first and I didn’t and when I wanted a serious thing he apparently has gottten “over me” two months ago but kept talking to me without telling me anything and an started talking to an ex fling last week. He said he still wants me in his life and cares about me. I asked him to give us a chance since it’s still new with the ex he started talking to and we realized there has been bad communication between us, he said he’s emotionally invested in her now so he doesn’t want to give us a chance. I have applied the no contact rule. But it’s only been a few days. I Really want us to try again.

  5. Laquan

    March 3, 2021 at 9:02 pm

    So me and my Ex have beenbroken up for at least 4 days now. He hasnt blocked me we still talk but its simple only about the rent and debt we owe cause he doesnt want to talk aboit our relationship or go there. He has been hot and cold saying maybe it can work then the second time i bring up our relationship up he says i just want to be single and do better for meself?. I just saw him 2 hours ago and didnt go that bad and he texted me after we hugged and ibwalked away and texted maybe we can meet up later and watch movie. He is just on and off about wanting it to work. And he still ask me for money so he can get his beer and stuff im trying to figure whats on his mind what to do and whats his intentions or should i move on ?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 9, 2021 at 10:41 pm

      Hi Laquan, you need to start the program – this means no contact! And you say no to giving him money! Let him see what life is like without you!

  6. Meagan wilson

    October 16, 2020 at 12:34 pm

    My ex and i recently broke up.. He was living here and idk if he really wanted to make us work or didn’t have anywhere to live cause he stayed after i told him to go.. He finally left and told me im toxic he loved me but he wasn’t going to be with me.. For like 2 days i wanted him to come back then i just stopped and did no contact..18 days later he calls me.. I had no idea cause i did block him so he called from another number.. The 1st calls were trying to see what i was up to etc etc then he called a day or two later and asked to come over??? Thankfully i wasn’t home! But i told him id let him know when i was free! Called him one off day and no answer for the whole day! I felt soo down like he was just playing game, reached out again and he replied but i turned him down.. He said let ne know when you’ll be free.. I texted him yesterday morning ans he said ok cool.. Now I’m nervous about being around him again! I still love him and id like to start over but what does he want? I don’t want to feel how i did when he didn’t return my call.. I feel better but i don’t think im ready to see him just yet

  7. Anna

    September 27, 2020 at 12:45 pm

    Hi! So, I contacted my ex after almost 40 days of NC, and his replies were very very positive. He asked me out the same day, saying that we could meet in a couple of weeks (since he won’t be in town before). What should I do?
    I think it’s too soon, and I’m also afraid of falling into the friendzone.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 6, 2020 at 5:41 pm

      It is too soon to get a meet up, but you have two weeks to increase the contact and try to build some rapport with him, then delay the meet up as long as you can – make him fit into your schedule

  8. R M Andrew

    July 31, 2020 at 4:49 am

    Hi, my ex boyfriend and I were together for years and I was the one who called it off about two years ago but we were still in each others lives seeing each like a couple. We are really close and he even has fridge magnets I designed and one with a picture of myself which he wants to keep up even when I asked for it back, but I don’t mind him having them. He just recently started seeing someone from a dating site but not mentioned if he really likes her. The chemistry between him and I is still obviously there and when I asked if we can still hang out he immediately said yes we can and we are going to watch a movie round his soon. We still love each other and he said recently I am stunning, beautiful great body e.t.c we got on great in our relationship although totally opposites but I broke his heart he said and he tried to get back with me two years ago kept asking but I just brushed it off but like I said we just merged again and began seeing each other like a couple again. I do badly want to get back with him and when though he said ‘I can’t give you what your looking for right now’ and how he would get back with me I think deep down he could and would get back with me but is scared I will break his heart again even though I have told him I am ready for proper commitment and no more messing about where I kept pushing him away until eventually he went and I did not want that. Is he confused about me or the situation does he really want me back or not as until recently he was blowing hot and cold with me. He has told me nobody will get between us and if whoever don’t like it then tough. He is always there for me so I don’t understand why we can’t sort things it whether he is seeing someone or not. The attraction is still there for both of us. I used to bombard him texts but cooled it recently with that but still send the odd ones to him. Getting him back will be slow and I hope I do, so hanging out soon I will keep it casual but not sure if I should bring up ‘us’. We are absolutely perfect for each other and our relationship was always calm with no arguing, shouting or anything like that. I need for him to see that I have changed and I have plans for the future which I would love for him to be involved in. I have told I am serious if we did get back and I just want to look forward to the future with him but this recent women is in the way for now so what do I do. Thank you.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      July 31, 2020 at 1:05 pm

      Hey there R, so I question what it is that makes you want him back now when he has told you he can not give you what you want. If he is not looking for the same things in the future then you know it isnt going to work, not only that. Is the feeling you have because he has met someone else? As it sounds you were becoming friends happily. IF you want him back then you are going to have to start following the program, this starts with a No Contact for 45 days and then the being there method too

  9. Joe

    July 5, 2020 at 11:50 am

    My ex broke up with me saying he “loves me but doesn’t trust me”

    I didn’t do anything to break his trust, it was actually his friend who sabotaged the relationship and they are no longer friends.

    My ex and i talk regularly, Good morning and Good night texts etc.

    He’s even opened up to me about some confidential issues that are relatively personal. Regarding Mental Health and Family issues.
    But he hasn’t said or remotely mentioned anything about a relationship again, leaving me confused because he told me he’s ‘not sure’. But from how regularly we talk and he admitted to still “Liking me” and “Caring about me” i think there’s hope but is it false hope?

    Our relationship only lasted a month and it’s been about 2 months now since then.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      July 6, 2020 at 6:30 pm

      Hey Joe I think if they are still speaking with you then there must be some interest, but be sure that you are not being used as a therapist if it is only speaking of difficult times. You need to have some conversations that are about interests of your ex, get some phone calls in there and some meet ups. You need to work the program to get your ex back, because it sounds as if you could be heading for the friend zone if you keep being there for your ex this way.

  10. Lisa

    April 9, 2020 at 6:32 pm

    We broke up just over a month ago, from a six month relationship. He cheated and admitted he was self sabotaging and that he couldn’t be in a relationship with anyone. Capped it off with I want to be friends and nothing more.
    I did no contact but then a tragedy struck and he was there for me, showing up at my house with food three different times, trying to take care of me. I pushed him away and went back into no contact.

    Two weeks later, we started texting. I have been following the value ladder and we are already to sharing opinions and a successful compliment text that got him bringing up good old memories. He has suggested joining me camping and that he wants to meet my new puppy. I have been posting online and he likes every single Facebook post and watches every single instagram story. I even threw in some crazy fun by telling him I couldn’t answer his text cause I was “blowing stuff up”. He couldn’t wait to hear about it (at home physics experiments). I think he even flirted when I mentioned working on tan lines and he said “how, by tanning shirtless in the backyard?”

    But how do I get him to realize that his fears are less than his desire? I am worried that no matter what I do, he is going to continue to side with the part of him that feels he isn’t worth it, doesn’t deserve happiness, and only wants me as a friend. Pressure is the reason for the break up so how do I balance that with nudging him towards being more than friends?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 17, 2020 at 6:24 pm

      Hi Lisa, so to do that you need to flirt more, and more so that you are drawing him in slowly. It sounds as if you are on the right track though! Good job

  11. S

    February 8, 2020 at 9:52 am

    I dated my ex for 4+ years. We broke up due to distance caused by career changes and general bad timing – I was the one to finally break it off because I could see we weren’t going anywhere. We’ve kept in loose contact since then and have each had long term relationships as well as other relationships.

    I’ve been using a lot of information from this site and recently we’ve reconnected. We are both single. It’s been more than 5 years since we’ve seen each other! And he’s asked me to go on a group outing. He is “the one that got away”. I don’t know what this means – is he interested in possibly getting back together or just being nice/feeling out the situation?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 8, 2020 at 4:50 pm

      Hey there as you have been broken up for some time and not seen each other in a really long time. I would go to the group outing and let him lead the situation between you both. I can not tell you if he is interested in you or just being friendly You are going to be able to find that you when you are in his company. Let me know how the meet up goes 🙂

  12. Juh

    February 5, 2020 at 2:55 pm

    My ex and I dated for 11 months . He break up with me because we don’t have a good communication and He told me I love him more than he loves me and also he still love me . He want to be my friend . He text to me something like : “ This made me think of you and everything’s going to be ok or I’ve think of you , I miss you “. I did no contact for 2 days until he text to me : can we talk at some point? .
    I am confuse . After the dinner I think I’ll to do no contact again .

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 6, 2020 at 10:14 pm

      Hey Juh you should have ignored the message asking to talk as you were in no contact, and the only reason to break a NC is when they say they want to get back together. So stick to a no contact, dont meet up with him or reply to any messages for at least 30 days and maek sure in that time you are working on yourself

  13. Mandy

    March 7, 2019 at 8:06 pm

    We broke up almost a month ago, for a few reasons. He cheated on me and I didn’t consider his help rebuilding trust as “help,” so I suggested a break. That break quickly turned into a final break when he went to a friendly dinner with the girl he cheated with. Since, he has told me we “want different things/futures” and doesn’t think it’s fair to date and have to compromise. We’ve communicated a bit about it, here and there, with days of silence in between. I am the one to cut the conversations short most of the time, because I don’t want to get too comfortable. He still wants to be friends, and just invited me to visit his mom a couple states away. I’m not sure what he means by this. He’s friendly and wants to keep me around, but “doesn’t want to date” (me or anyone). I’ve tried no contact for a couple weeks, but he is waiting for a response on the visiting mom thing.

  14. A

    February 5, 2019 at 4:07 am

    My ex and I broke up about 2 years ago. We were together for 7 and a half years and have a 3 year old. I have implemented the no contact within reason since we have a child we only talk about our child (school updates on activities for him). He recently texted if i “would like to hangout sometime”. I asked if he was talking about bringing out son for an activity he said just him and I and sometimes our son and how I felt about that. I said I can hang out one time and see how I feel from that and see how it goes from there. He said cool. Then he asked if I want to sleep over at his house with our son. I said I’m not ready for that and he said cool. He haven’t made a plan to hang out yet it’s been a week. I texted and asked if he changed his mind about hanging out he said “when he gets some time.” I want to text and ask for clarification that I should have asked when he first asked.
    What does he want or mean?

  15. Mira

    February 1, 2019 at 1:55 am


    I’m a girl who was dating a girl, so I don’t know how this affects everything. We actually broke up months back, were not able to have a successful no contact period because she kept always coming crying back to me and then leaving me again.. Now we’re not together, haven’t been romantic for about 3 months. She wants to see me today.. Sadly I don’t think I can make the first date quick as adviced as she’s coming from 1h 30min train ride away just to see me :/
    She’s been saying she only wants to be friends. Our breakup originated because of her homophobic surroundings though instead of some big screw up on either side.. so maybe I still have a chance?

  16. J

    January 14, 2019 at 9:37 pm

    My ex wants to hang out, but only if I allow him over to my house first. I don’t think that’s the right way to reconnect after 4 months and told him so. He’s threatening to walk away for good. Seems like he only wants sex to me. I’m just not understanding why he’s so insistent.

    1. Chris Seiter

      January 15, 2019 at 4:28 am

      It seems to me your ex is acting childish and I agree that is not a natural or reasonable way to reconnect after 4 months.If a guy is threatening you, insisting on doing everything his way, then you should have zero tolerance for that behavior.

  17. Sophie

    December 13, 2018 at 5:05 pm

    So my ex boyfriend and I have been over for almost a year. (He broke up with me) We were together for about 3 years it was great till of course the end. Um this whole year has been filled with weird signals. He has actually changed into things that I remember telling him it was an issue (when we were together) such as his anger issues, being on the phone while we were together, or just even listening to me while I’m talking. I don’t know if it’s bad but I rarely reach out to him which make him the first one to initiate a conversation. Though there have been moments where he has tried to invite me over to his family house, but tells me to pretend like everything is cool with him (as if we are still together) …. I always ask him why he hasn’t told his family and his response is always like “there’s never a good time and my aunt will be heart broken” … at times I just want to know why he keeps doing this if he said he doesn’t want to be with me.

    1. Chris Seiter

      December 14, 2018 at 12:44 am

      Hi Sophie! 3 years is advantage which can play out later as you have some traction together as a couple. So what is the status now with him?

  18. Samantha

    November 12, 2018 at 5:08 am

    My ex and I have been in a relationship for 8years. We broke up a week ago. He told me about his new girlfriend a few days ago after our breakup. He still wants to hangout with me as friends but he doesn’t initiates outings.

    I initiated the first outing yesterday just for coffee. He was actually okay with it but after coffee he initiated to have some drinks at a pub. We went there and had 2 glass of beer. We played games and sang songs. But he wanted to end the day early so we left early and he insisted to send me to the nearest bus stand. He held my hand a few times when crossing the road.

    He did mention there was a movie he watched alone a few days ago and it was really good. He asked if I was interested he would not mind watching it again with me. I am confused by his actions. I know I still love him and would do anything to get him back. But I can’t understand his actions or how he feels about me.

    What do you think of this?

    1. Chris Seiter

      November 12, 2018 at 11:38 pm

      Hi Samantha!

      So 8 years is good. It speaks to traction which can come around to help you out in the future.

  19. Emma

    October 14, 2018 at 2:21 pm

    I broke up with my ex boyfriend about 6 months ago.
    He was the one that dumped me. We stayed together for 6 months, and became friends with benefits a few weeks following the break up until we decided to stop but agreed to remain friends.
    The break up was amicable. I have implemented NC… but after a month he contacted me asking to meet up.
    Since then it’s been: meeting up once a month, NC again, meeting again the next month, NC again…
    I strongly suspect he has a girlfriend but he still suggests to meet up. Recently, I was the one initiating conversations until he recently contacted me a few days ago…
    What does it mean?
    Why does he want to hang out if he had a new girlfriend?
    Does he see me as just a friend?

    1. Chris Seiter

      October 14, 2018 at 9:15 pm

      Hi Emma!

      Just ask him. Cut to the chase with him explaining that the act is getting to cyclical.

  20. K

    October 3, 2018 at 1:23 pm

    Hi. My ex broke up with me 4 months ago saying he still enjoyed spending time with me but didn’t think there was a future. It wasn’t too messy a break up I said I understood his feelings but that I had thought there was a future. After a week of back and forth phone calls and crying (both of us) nd pleading (me) I went I to no contact for 30days. I reached out after and he responded positively and immediately saying he was so glad I reached out as he had wanted to but didn’t want to upset me further. During no contact I joined a gym and yoga class, which I continue with I’ve recently got a new job and am looking at going back to university.
    We have been texting back and forth we met up twice and both times I ended it early saying I had plans (but not specific) it was easy and fun, we had a laugh second time he reached out to hug me twice and said before I left that he missed me.
    This was about 2 weeks ago since he’s been fairly distant with communication even when I try. Yet he asked me to go to the cinema with him?
    What am I doing wrong in not building attraction? How can I get him to commit more time and effort to me? And should I agree to this next meet up at all?
    Please help!

    1. Chris Seiter

      October 5, 2018 at 2:39 am

      HI K!

      Proud of you for all those things you did during NC…keep it up! Just think little steps. Don’t try too hard. Use a little jealousy at times. Grab up one of my books that might help you!

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