Welcome to episode 28 of the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast.
Today we hear from Marie who has a very interesting job.
She’s an exotic dancer.
As you may have guessed her ex boyfriend isn’t so thrilled about this. In fact, it may have been the entire reason that they broke up.
Here is the situation that Marie is in,
- Made it 7 days in the no contact rule
- She dated her ex boyfriend for 6 months
- Wants to spend her life with him
- He broke up with her because he says he doesn’t trust her (because of her job)
- He is insecure
- Wonders how to make a man feel more secure in a relationship
Here are a few of the things I talk about in this episode,
What I Talk About In This Episode
- A 20 million dollar question 😉
- The source of insecurity
- The fear of being cheated on
- The places that have the highest chance of cheating occurring
- Cheating scenarios
- Whether or not to use jealousy on an insecure ex
Important Links Mentioned In This Episode
How I’d spend my 20 million dollars. Well, half of it at least,
How would you spend 20 million dollars if you could spend it on anything you want?
I am really interested.
Overcoming Your Ex Boyfriends Insecurity
Don’t Use Jealousy
There are certain situations where I recommend jealousy and there are certain situations where I don’t recommend it.
Marie’s situation is one where I would NOT recommend it.
Her boyfriend is already paranoid about her job. If she were to say post a photo on Facebook of her and another guy what he already thinks will be verified and instead of her value being increased to him (like with other men) it will be decreased.
Constantly Re-assure Him
Marie’s ex boyfriend is very insecure.
So, if she were to get him back (and only if she got him back) then she would have to make a point to re-assure him that she is his and his alone.
She can do this a lot of different ways but I think its best if she is just straightforward with him in telling him that he is the only guy for her.
This is going to be a little controversial so you don’t have to do it if you don’t want to. If your ex boyfriend is very paranoid about being cheated on then it might be a good idea to do a phone swap and prove your innocence to him.
Prove to him that you have nothing to hide.
Prove to him that everything you have been saying to him is true in that he is the only one for you.
If you do decide to do this though let him know that he has to trust you in the future and that the phone swap isn’t going to be an every day type of a deal.
Welcome to Episode 28 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. Before I get started, I want to ask you a question. If you had $20 million to spend however you’d like, what would you spend it on?
Personally speaking, I’m pretty sure I’d spend it on a mansion on the beach so that I could write articles and answer comments in my house, overlooking a beach and the sunset. I would probably spend $10 million on that and then $10 million to spend the rest of my life there. What would you spend it on?
I know it’s a goofy way to start off the episode. Lately I’ve been trying to think of ways to spice up the podcast and make it more unique than some of the other podcasts out there. I figured, maybe at the beginning of every episode, it would be fun if I did something like that.
It might be a fun fact about me, something goofy about me or questions that I’m wondering about. Lately I’ve been wondering, if I had $20 million, what would I spend it on? I’m pretty sure that’s what I would spend it on. What would you spend it on? Answer in the comments of the show notes. I’d be happy to hear from you.
Let’s get to today’s episode. We’re going to hear from Marie, who has an interesting job:
“Hi, Chris. My name is Marie. I’m on day seven of the no contact rule. I made it a week. My ex-boyfriend and I dated for six months. I know that he’s truly the man I want to spend my life with. Ultimately, we broke up because he said he didn’t trust me. I truly feel like his trust issues came from a place of insecurity and not a display of my actions.
Of course, I made a mistake here and there, but it wasn’t anything serious. I was always loyal. I never cheated on him. I also feel like a lot of his insecurities come from my occupation. I am in school currently. I’ll be graduating with my second degree in a few months. But until that time, I work at night as an exotic dancer at a gentleman’s club.
Once I make it through the next few weeks of the no contact rule and we start talking again, how can I ease his insecurities? Maybe it’s not just a stripper thing. I suppose girls who work at Hooters or are bartenders and they’re constantly around drunk salacious men deal with this. How do we make our men feel more secure in the relationship? Thanks, Chris. You’re such a great support. I really appreciate everything that you do.”
Thanks for leaving a voicemail, Marie. I’m going to do my very best to help you out in this situation. I have a lot of insight that I can bring to the insecurity aspect. I’m entitling this episode, your ex-boyfriend’s insecurity. I’m going to be talking a lot about that insecurity and what you need to do to overcome it. Not just to get him back, but to keep him in a relationship with you.
First, I want to congratulate you on almost obtaining your second degree. That’s incredible. Hats off to you. Also, I want to congratulate you for making it a week of no contact. You are farther than a lot of people ever make it. No contact is one of the hardest things to do when you’re trying to get your ex back. You want to talk to this person so badly but you can’t. A week is quite an accomplishment. Hopefully you can keep the momentum going here and make it the full 30 days.
Let’s do a quick recap of your situation, Marie. You’ve made it seven days through the no contact rule. Congrats on that. You dated your ex for six months. You want to spend the rest of your life with him. I want to stop here for a moment and talk a little bit about that.
That’s really great that you know that. A lot of times, women who are trying to get their exes back don’t know whether they just want to get over him or if they want him back. They’re in that gray area where they don’t quite know what they want to do. They miss him, but at the same time, they want to get over him. It doesn’t seem that this is the case for you.
You seem dead-set on getting him back. I’m really glad that you have this mindset. It’s going to make it easier for you to get him back. You’re going to be willing to jump through the hoops and take the necessary steps to really raise your chances. Not that you’ll ever have a guarantee of getting him back 100% of the time, but you can substantially increase your chances if you’re driven towards one goal and you’re not split between two.
You want to spend the rest of your life with him. He broke up with you because he says he doesn’t trust you. I’ll get into that later. He is insecure. You are an exotic dancer, which brings in some more insecurity from him. You’re wondering how to make a man feel more secure in the relationship.
This is a very unique episode, mostly because of your job. Not that I’m looking down at your job, but your job does invite a lot of insecurity. Before I get into your job, let’s talk about the sources of insecurity in men. This is not just in ex-boyfriends but in men in general. I am a man and I can be looked at as the stereotypical average man. Most men are like me. I feel like I can bring a lot of insight here to this insecurity aspect. I get insecure, too. I think everyone deep down gets insecure about certain things. Maybe some people are insecure about their looks. Maybe some people are insecure about being cheated on. Maybe some people are insecure about their job.
When it comes to this kind of insecurity with what your ex-boyfriend is saying, I can relate to him in some ways. I think all men can. What I’d like to do for you, Marie and listeners, is talk a little bit about the source of that insecurity. What is the real underlying reason for it?
The easiest way that I can put this is that the biggest source of insecurity is the fear of being cheated on, rather the fear of what it will feel like to be cheated on. Personally, I am frightened to death of that. I never want that to happen to me. No one ever does. Infidelity is probably the worst thing that you can do to someone in a relationship. I think everyone is frightened to death about that. If they’re not frightened to death about that then there’s probably a problem. They probably don’t care about the person they’re with very much.
I think it’s completely normal for any human being to not want that to happen to them. Some men can take this fear and let it drive them. It makes them insecure about other guys talking to their woman, their woman talking to other guys and a situation where a stranger hits on their woman.
There are all sorts of things that go through a man’s mind that preys on this fear of being cheated on. It creates this insecurity that he ultimately takes out on you. It seems like that’s what happened here, Marie. Your ex-boyfriend was very afraid of being cheated on and took it out on you.
The biggest source of insecurity is the fact that most men have a fear of being cheated on. This is not just men. No one, in general, wants to be cheated on if they care about the person. I think there is a problem if they don’t care about the person.
Let’s talk a little bit about your job. You are an exotic dancer. But you also mentioned a few other jobs, like women who work at bars or clubs where they are always around drunk, salacious men. There are men who are constantly hitting on them or trying to sleep with them. These kinds of jobs, yours specifically, invite more of this insecurity.
Maybe I will take myself away from the average typical male here. I’m going to put myself into relationship consultant mode here. From everything I’ve seen on Ex-Boyfriend Recovery and the brother site called Ex-Girlfriend Recovery, I’ve dealt with 50,000 situations. I’m not exaggerating.
Anytime I stumble across a cheating scenario or a random stranger comes up and the girl is convinced to cheat, most of them occur at these kinds of places: strip clubs, bars, clubs and parties. Most of them are excused by the fact that the person was drunk. They say, “I was drunk. I didn’t know what I was doing.” I think that’s a bit of a cop-out.
I’m sure there are situations where someone was really drunk and did not remember what they did. But I think people are mostly in control and alcohol brings out what they truly want. I think the people who say that they were too drunk and cheated are embarrassed about it so they use the alcohol as a crutch. That’s fine. I understand it.
My point to you, Marie, is that your job invites this type of insecurity much more because you are an exotic dancer. Your ex-boyfriend is going to be thinking about you at your job. He’s going to be thinking about you dancing on some guy, and some guy getting the wrong idea, trying to hurt you or sleep with you.
He may even go through this scenario where a client of yours offers to take you home and convinces you. You get in bed with him. Your ex-boyfriend is going to have these thoughts constantly running through his mind. I guarantee you, when he first met you, your job was cool. It was sexy. Like I said, most men are visual creatures. What’s more visual than an exotic dancer?
But once he got into a relationship with you, he got scared that he was going to get cheated on because of your job. I’m not saying that your job makes you who you are. Your job has certain stereotypes that go along with it. These stereotypes prod your ex-boyfriend’s fear of being cheated on. Make no doubts about it—your ex-boyfriend is very afraid that he’s going to get cheated on from you because of your job. Your job invites these types of things.
This scenario that he runs through his head that creates this insecurity is important. I think all men have these types of scenarios even if their girlfriends don’t have a job that invites it, like a bartender or exotic dancer job. I think all men who have this type of insecurity have this weird scenario that runs through their head where their girlfriend is unfaithful to them. Some guy comes along, smooth-talks her and gets her in bed. It’s hurtful. The more that he gets this insecurity, the more he gets scared that he’s going to get cheated on. That’s when you see things happen.
For example, he’ll go through his girlfriend’s phone to try and find evidence that she’s cheating on him. He’ll go through her Facebook. He’ll go through her email to find evidence. It can all be tracked back to this fear of being cheated on and this weird scenario that runs through his head.
It causes him to look through her phone, Facebook and emails. If he finds nothing, okay. That’s fine, I guess. But most men are still so insecure about it that they almost don’t believe it. They think something is going on. They think, “She deleted her messages. She’s running around on me.” This source of insecurity is a real thing.
Unfortunately for you, Marie, you have a job that invites this a lot. You’re going to have to take extra steps to safeguard your relationship from this insecurity. When it comes to getting him back, you’re going to have to overcome these insecurities along with all the other things that everyone else has to overcome when they’re trying to get their ex-boyfriend back.
Not every guy is like Barney Stinson. Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother loves going to strip clubs. He loves strippers. He loves all that stuff. He’s cool with it. In Season 7 of How I Met Your Mother, Barney dated a stripper and got engaged to her. It’s really funny because, even in the show, he started to get this insecurity that his fiancé was going to cheat on him. I know it’s a fake show but this insecurity is a real thing. There is truth to that.
Let’s talk a bit about how you can overcome this type of insecurity, Marie. Here is the first thing about overcoming this type of insecurity, safeguarding your relationship and improving your chances of getting your ex back. Usually I recommend jealousy for women to create something in their ex-boyfriend.
Men are competitive. If they see another man coming after you, he’s going to step up to the plate and get in the game. I do not think jealousy is good in this particular case, Marie. I’ll tell you why. For a man who is this insecure, who broke up with you because of this insecurity, you will just be feeding what he already thinks. He already thinks that you are a high-value potential target of cheating on him. If you use jealousy tactics on him, his suspicions will be confirmed. You don’t want that to happen. I would stray away from posting anything provocative or anything with another guy on any type of social media sites.
Make no doubts about it—he will be checking up on you after the breakup, maybe indirectly. But he will be going through your Facebook. If he sees pictures of you with other guys, his suspicions will be confirmed. You shouldn’t do anything to confirm those suspicions. Step one is not to use jealousy.
Here is step two. Let’s say that you get your ex-boyfriend back. It seems like you’ve read the website or you’ve gotten the ebook. If you haven’t, go ahead and pick that up. I think that would be really helpful for you in your situation. Let’s say that you’ve gone through the entire process and you’ve gotten your ex-boyfriend back. Hooray. Awesome. Good job.
Now he’s in the relationship. His insecurities aren’t completely gone. They won’t be completely gone. They probably won’t be completely gone until you get a new job. That’s the truth. If you do get a new job, he will still be insecure. He will still hold resentment that you held onto that exotic dancer job as long as you did, even though maybe your situation didn’t allow you to quit that job. Who knows? I don’t know your situation. I’m not here to judge. I’m just here to help. I’m trying to help you understand that men can hold grudges. That’s where this next step comes in.
You need to constantly reassure him that he is number one and that you are his only. You need to constantly reassure him. Only do that when you’re in the relationship with him. I have a certain set of rules for getting him back and getting back into a relationship with him. If you are in the relationship with him, make sure you constantly reassure him that he is number one.
He is yours. No other guys can compete with him. He’s the best guy you’ve ever known. You want to spend the rest of your life with him. You would never be with another guy. Be blatant about it. Constantly reassure him. He’s going to be super insecure. If he’s going to be this insecure then you’re going to have to constantly reassure him. I mean once a day for a long time. It could be subtle. It doesn’t have to be really aggressive. Constantly reassure him that you are his and he is yours.
Let’s move on to the next step. If you are in a relationship with him, eventually you two are going to have a fight. This is normal for every single couple. Don’t freak out if it happens. When the fight happens, he will most likely bring up some type of insecurity.
For example, maybe he caught you texting a guy, which is fine. That’s not a big deal as long as it was professional and not sexual or flirty in any way. If he caught you texting a guy, maybe he brings this up to you. You have to be willing to prove your innocence to him. You need to show him the text messages and prove to him that nothing is going on.
This is going to be a controversial topic. For men who are this insecure, you almost have to do a phone swap with them. Be willing to let him go through your phone. Show him you have nothing to hide and you are completely his forever. That’s what he wants.
Don’t do this if you’re uncomfortable doing it or if you think he’s going to take advantage of it, like if any time he has this insecurity, he’s going to bring it up and ask you for your phone. You can do it every once in a while. You can show him that you’re innocent.
If it gets out of hand to where he’s asking for it every single day or he picks it up and you feel like he’s breeching your own personal boundaries or beliefs, you can put your foot down. You can say, “You’re taking advantage of this. You need to trust me.” Relationships are built on trust. Sometimes you need to be willing to prove your innocence. He will look like a fool if you’re innocent and he’s accusing you of stuff. That’s usually the way these things go.
If you’re constantly reassuring him, he won’t have the need to want to check your phone all the time. Like I said, you need to be willing to prove your innocence. These are my three best tips on overcoming insecurity. Your ex-boyfriend is going to have insecurities. Marie, yours is a special situation. It seems like he is extra insecure about your job.
For those women listening to this who don’t have a provocative job that invites this kind of insecurity and your boyfriend is still insecure, you can reassure him constantly. That will definitely make an impact. You shouldn’t use jealousy on him. With the phone swap thing, you need to make sure he understands that this is not going to be a daily thing.
I would amend my thoughts on that for Marie. Make him understand that this is not going to be an all the time thing. It’s going to be in certain situations where you have to prove your innocence. You need to explain to him that, oftentimes, men who are paranoid about looking through their girlfriend’s phone are the kind of men who are guilty and doing something wrong themselves.
It is because of that reason that they are suspicious of the other person. That’s a possibility. Again, proving your innocence every once in a while is a good thing if you want to prove to your boyfriend that he has no reason to be insecure. You can make him feel secure in the relationship.
That’s my best advice. I wish I had more meat to go into here. I think that covers everything that I want to say about the insecurity aspect. I will see you tomorrow. I have a really interesting episode planned tomorrow. You’re going to have to wait.