What’s up?

Welcome to episode 28 of the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast.

Today we hear from Marie who has a very interesting job.

She’s an exotic dancer.

As you may have guessed her ex boyfriend isn’t so thrilled about this. In fact, it may have been the entire reason that they broke up.

Here is the situation that Marie is in,

  • Made it 7 days in the no contact rule
  • She dated her ex boyfriend for 6 months
  • Wants to spend her life with him
  • He broke up with her because he says he doesn’t trust her (because of her job)
  • He is insecure
  • Wonders how to make a man feel more secure in a relationship

Here are a few of the things I talk about in this episode,

What I Talk About In This Episode

  • A 20 million dollar question 😉
  • The source of insecurity
  • The fear of being cheated on
  • The places that have the highest chance of cheating occurring
  • Cheating scenarios
  • Whether or not to use jealousy on an insecure ex
  • Reassurance
  • Innocence

Important Links Mentioned In This Episode

How I’d spend my 20 million dollars. Well, half of it at least,

Dream home dream home 2 dream home 3 dream home 4 dream home 5 dream home 6 dream home 7

How would you spend 20 million dollars if you could spend it on anything you want?

Comment below!

I am really interested.

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Overcoming Your Ex Boyfriends Insecurity

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Don’t Use Jealousy

There are certain situations where I recommend jealousy and there are certain situations where I don’t recommend it.

Marie’s situation is one where I would NOT recommend it.

Why?

Her boyfriend is already paranoid about her job. If she were to say post a photo on Facebook of her and another guy what he already thinks will be verified and instead of her value being increased to him (like with other men) it will be decreased.

Constantly Re-assure Him

Marie’s ex boyfriend is very insecure.

So, if she were to get him back (and only if she got him back) then she would have to make a point to re-assure him that she is his and his alone.

She can do this a lot of different ways but I think its best if she is just straightforward with him in telling him that he is the only guy for her.

Prove Innocence

This is going to be a little controversial so you don’t have to do it if you don’t want to. If your ex boyfriend is very paranoid about being cheated on then it might be a good idea to do a phone swap and prove your innocence to him.

Prove to him that you have nothing to hide.

Prove to him that everything you have been saying to him is true in that he is the only one for you.

If you do decide to do this though let him know that he has to trust you in the future and that the phone swap isn’t going to be an every day type of a deal.

Podcast Transcript

Welcome to Episode 28 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. Before I get started, I want to ask you a question. If you had $20 million to spend however you’d like, what would you spend it on?

Personally speaking, I’m pretty sure I’d spend it on a mansion on the beach so that I could write articles and answer comments in my house, overlooking a beach and the sunset. I would probably spend $10 million on that and then $10 million to spend the rest of my life there. What would you spend it on?

I know it’s a goofy way to start off the episode. Lately I’ve been trying to think of ways to spice up the podcast and make it more unique than some of the other podcasts out there. I figured, maybe at the beginning of every episode, it would be fun if I did something like that.

It might be a fun fact about me, something goofy about me or questions that I’m wondering about. Lately I’ve been wondering, if I had $20 million, what would I spend it on? I’m pretty sure that’s what I would spend it on. What would you spend it on? Answer in the comments of the show notes. I’d be happy to hear from you.

Let’s get to today’s episode. We’re going to hear from Marie, who has an interesting job:

“Hi, Chris. My name is Marie. I’m on day seven of the no contact rule. I made it a week. My ex-boyfriend and I dated for six months. I know that he’s truly the man I want to spend my life with. Ultimately, we broke up because he said he didn’t trust me. I truly feel like his trust issues came from a place of insecurity and not a display of my actions.

Of course, I made a mistake here and there, but it wasn’t anything serious. I was always loyal. I never cheated on him. I also feel like a lot of his insecurities come from my occupation. I am in school currently. I’ll be graduating with my second degree in a few months. But until that time, I work at night as an exotic dancer at a gentleman’s club.

Once I make it through the next few weeks of the no contact rule and we start talking again, how can I ease his insecurities? Maybe it’s not just a stripper thing. I suppose girls who work at Hooters or are bartenders and they’re constantly around drunk salacious men deal with this. How do we make our men feel more secure in the relationship? Thanks, Chris. You’re such a great support. I really appreciate everything that you do.”

Thanks for leaving a voicemail, Marie. I’m going to do my very best to help you out in this situation. I have a lot of insight that I can bring to the insecurity aspect. I’m entitling this episode, your ex-boyfriend’s insecurity. I’m going to be talking a lot about that insecurity and what you need to do to overcome it. Not just to get him back, but to keep him in a relationship with you.

First, I want to congratulate you on almost obtaining your second degree. That’s incredible. Hats off to you. Also, I want to congratulate you for making it a week of no contact. You are farther than a lot of people ever make it. No contact is one of the hardest things to do when you’re trying to get your ex back. You want to talk to this person so badly but you can’t. A week is quite an accomplishment. Hopefully you can keep the momentum going here and make it the full 30 days.

Let’s do a quick recap of your situation, Marie. You’ve made it seven days through the no contact rule. Congrats on that. You dated your ex for six months. You want to spend the rest of your life with him. I want to stop here for a moment and talk a little bit about that.

That’s really great that you know that. A lot of times, women who are trying to get their exes back don’t know whether they just want to get over him or if they want him back. They’re in that gray area where they don’t quite know what they want to do. They miss him, but at the same time, they want to get over him. It doesn’t seem that this is the case for you.

You seem dead-set on getting him back. I’m really glad that you have this mindset. It’s going to make it easier for you to get him back. You’re going to be willing to jump through the hoops and take the necessary steps to really raise your chances. Not that you’ll ever have a guarantee of getting him back 100% of the time, but you can substantially increase your chances if you’re driven towards one goal and you’re not split between two.

You want to spend the rest of your life with him. He broke up with you because he says he doesn’t trust you. I’ll get into that later. He is insecure. You are an exotic dancer, which brings in some more insecurity from him. You’re wondering how to make a man feel more secure in the relationship.

This is a very unique episode, mostly because of your job. Not that I’m looking down at your job, but your job does invite a lot of insecurity. Before I get into your job, let’s talk about the sources of insecurity in men. This is not just in ex-boyfriends but in men in general. I am a man and I can be looked at as the stereotypical average man. Most men are like me. I feel like I can bring a lot of insight here to this insecurity aspect. I get insecure, too. I think everyone deep down gets insecure about certain things. Maybe some people are insecure about their looks. Maybe some people are insecure about being cheated on. Maybe some people are insecure about their job.

When it comes to this kind of insecurity with what your ex-boyfriend is saying, I can relate to him in some ways. I think all men can. What I’d like to do for you, Marie and listeners, is talk a little bit about the source of that insecurity. What is the real underlying reason for it?

The easiest way that I can put this is that the biggest source of insecurity is the fear of being cheated on, rather the fear of what it will feel like to be cheated on. Personally, I am frightened to death of that. I never want that to happen to me. No one ever does. Infidelity is probably the worst thing that you can do to someone in a relationship. I think everyone is frightened to death about that. If they’re not frightened to death about that then there’s probably a problem. They probably don’t care about the person they’re with very much.

I think it’s completely normal for any human being to not want that to happen to them. Some men can take this fear and let it drive them. It makes them insecure about other guys talking to their woman, their woman talking to other guys and a situation where a stranger hits on their woman.

There are all sorts of things that go through a man’s mind that preys on this fear of being cheated on. It creates this insecurity that he ultimately takes out on you. It seems like that’s what happened here, Marie. Your ex-boyfriend was very afraid of being cheated on and took it out on you.

The biggest source of insecurity is the fact that most men have a fear of being cheated on. This is not just men. No one, in general, wants to be cheated on if they care about the person. I think there is a problem if they don’t care about the person.

Let’s talk a little bit about your job. You are an exotic dancer. But you also mentioned a few other jobs, like women who work at bars or clubs where they are always around drunk, salacious men. There are men who are constantly hitting on them or trying to sleep with them. These kinds of jobs, yours specifically, invite more of this insecurity.

Maybe I will take myself away from the average typical male here. I’m going to put myself into relationship consultant mode here. From everything I’ve seen on Ex-Boyfriend Recovery and the brother site called Ex-Girlfriend Recovery, I’ve dealt with 50,000 situations. I’m not exaggerating.

Anytime I stumble across a cheating scenario or a random stranger comes up and the girl is convinced to cheat, most of them occur at these kinds of places: strip clubs, bars, clubs and parties. Most of them are excused by the fact that the person was drunk. They say, “I was drunk. I didn’t know what I was doing.” I think that’s a bit of a cop-out.

I’m sure there are situations where someone was really drunk and did not remember what they did. But I think people are mostly in control and alcohol brings out what they truly want. I think the people who say that they were too drunk and cheated are embarrassed about it so they use the alcohol as a crutch. That’s fine. I understand it.

My point to you, Marie, is that your job invites this type of insecurity much more because you are an exotic dancer. Your ex-boyfriend is going to be thinking about you at your job. He’s going to be thinking about you dancing on some guy, and some guy getting the wrong idea, trying to hurt you or sleep with you.

He may even go through this scenario where a client of yours offers to take you home and convinces you. You get in bed with him. Your ex-boyfriend is going to have these thoughts constantly running through his mind. I guarantee you, when he first met you, your job was cool. It was sexy. Like I said, most men are visual creatures. What’s more visual than an exotic dancer?

But once he got into a relationship with you, he got scared that he was going to get cheated on because of your job. I’m not saying that your job makes you who you are. Your job has certain stereotypes that go along with it. These stereotypes prod your ex-boyfriend’s fear of being cheated on. Make no doubts about it—your ex-boyfriend is very afraid that he’s going to get cheated on from you because of your job. Your job invites these types of things.

This scenario that he runs through his head that creates this insecurity is important. I think all men have these types of scenarios even if their girlfriends don’t have a job that invites it, like a bartender or exotic dancer job. I think all men who have this type of insecurity have this weird scenario that runs through their head where their girlfriend is unfaithful to them. Some guy comes along, smooth-talks her and gets her in bed. It’s hurtful. The more that he gets this insecurity, the more he gets scared that he’s going to get cheated on. That’s when you see things happen.

For example, he’ll go through his girlfriend’s phone to try and find evidence that she’s cheating on him. He’ll go through her Facebook. He’ll go through her email to find evidence. It can all be tracked back to this fear of being cheated on and this weird scenario that runs through his head.

It causes him to look through her phone, Facebook and emails. If he finds nothing, okay. That’s fine, I guess. But most men are still so insecure about it that they almost don’t believe it. They think something is going on. They think, “She deleted her messages. She’s running around on me.” This source of insecurity is a real thing.

Unfortunately for you, Marie, you have a job that invites this a lot. You’re going to have to take extra steps to safeguard your relationship from this insecurity. When it comes to getting him back, you’re going to have to overcome these insecurities along with all the other things that everyone else has to overcome when they’re trying to get their ex-boyfriend back.

Not every guy is like Barney Stinson. Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother loves going to strip clubs. He loves strippers. He loves all that stuff. He’s cool with it. In Season 7 of How I Met Your Mother, Barney dated a stripper and got engaged to her. It’s really funny because, even in the show, he started to get this insecurity that his fiancé was going to cheat on him. I know it’s a fake show but this insecurity is a real thing. There is truth to that.

Let’s talk a bit about how you can overcome this type of insecurity, Marie. Here is the first thing about overcoming this type of insecurity, safeguarding your relationship and improving your chances of getting your ex back. Usually I recommend jealousy for women to create something in their ex-boyfriend.

Men are competitive. If they see another man coming after you, he’s going to step up to the plate and get in the game. I do not think jealousy is good in this particular case, Marie. I’ll tell you why. For a man who is this insecure, who broke up with you because of this insecurity, you will just be feeding what he already thinks. He already thinks that you are a high-value potential target of cheating on him. If you use jealousy tactics on him, his suspicions will be confirmed. You don’t want that to happen. I would stray away from posting anything provocative or anything with another guy on any type of social media sites.

Make no doubts about it—he will be checking up on you after the breakup, maybe indirectly. But he will be going through your Facebook. If he sees pictures of you with other guys, his suspicions will be confirmed. You shouldn’t do anything to confirm those suspicions. Step one is not to use jealousy.

Here is step two. Let’s say that you get your ex-boyfriend back. It seems like you’ve read the website or you’ve gotten the ebook. If you haven’t, go ahead and pick that up. I think that would be really helpful for you in your situation. Let’s say that you’ve gone through the entire process and you’ve gotten your ex-boyfriend back. Hooray. Awesome. Good job.

Now he’s in the relationship. His insecurities aren’t completely gone. They won’t be completely gone. They probably won’t be completely gone until you get a new job. That’s the truth. If you do get a new job, he will still be insecure. He will still hold resentment that you held onto that exotic dancer job as long as you did, even though maybe your situation didn’t allow you to quit that job. Who knows? I don’t know your situation. I’m not here to judge. I’m just here to help. I’m trying to help you understand that men can hold grudges. That’s where this next step comes in.

You need to constantly reassure him that he is number one and that you are his only. You need to constantly reassure him. Only do that when you’re in the relationship with him. I have a certain set of rules for getting him back and getting back into a relationship with him. If you are in the relationship with him, make sure you constantly reassure him that he is number one.

He is yours. No other guys can compete with him. He’s the best guy you’ve ever known. You want to spend the rest of your life with him. You would never be with another guy. Be blatant about it. Constantly reassure him. He’s going to be super insecure. If he’s going to be this insecure then you’re going to have to constantly reassure him. I mean once a day for a long time. It could be subtle. It doesn’t have to be really aggressive. Constantly reassure him that you are his and he is yours.

Let’s move on to the next step. If you are in a relationship with him, eventually you two are going to have a fight. This is normal for every single couple. Don’t freak out if it happens. When the fight happens, he will most likely bring up some type of insecurity.

For example, maybe he caught you texting a guy, which is fine. That’s not a big deal as long as it was professional and not sexual or flirty in any way. If he caught you texting a guy, maybe he brings this up to you. You have to be willing to prove your innocence to him. You need to show him the text messages and prove to him that nothing is going on.

This is going to be a controversial topic. For men who are this insecure, you almost have to do a phone swap with them. Be willing to let him go through your phone. Show him you have nothing to hide and you are completely his forever. That’s what he wants.

Don’t do this if you’re uncomfortable doing it or if you think he’s going to take advantage of it, like if any time he has this insecurity, he’s going to bring it up and ask you for your phone. You can do it every once in a while. You can show him that you’re innocent.

If it gets out of hand to where he’s asking for it every single day or he picks it up and you feel like he’s breeching your own personal boundaries or beliefs, you can put your foot down. You can say, “You’re taking advantage of this. You need to trust me.” Relationships are built on trust. Sometimes you need to be willing to prove your innocence. He will look like a fool if you’re innocent and he’s accusing you of stuff. That’s usually the way these things go.

If you’re constantly reassuring him, he won’t have the need to want to check your phone all the time. Like I said, you need to be willing to prove your innocence. These are my three best tips on overcoming insecurity. Your ex-boyfriend is going to have insecurities. Marie, yours is a special situation. It seems like he is extra insecure about your job.

For those women listening to this who don’t have a provocative job that invites this kind of insecurity and your boyfriend is still insecure, you can reassure him constantly. That will definitely make an impact. You shouldn’t use jealousy on him. With the phone swap thing, you need to make sure he understands that this is not going to be a daily thing.

I would amend my thoughts on that for Marie. Make him understand that this is not going to be an all the time thing. It’s going to be in certain situations where you have to prove your innocence. You need to explain to him that, oftentimes, men who are paranoid about looking through their girlfriend’s phone are the kind of men who are guilty and doing something wrong themselves.

It is because of that reason that they are suspicious of the other person. That’s a possibility. Again, proving your innocence every once in a while is a good thing if you want to prove to your boyfriend that he has no reason to be insecure. You can make him feel secure in the relationship.

That’s my best advice. I wish I had more meat to go into here. I think that covers everything that I want to say about the insecurity aspect. I will see you tomorrow. I have a really interesting episode planned tomorrow. You’re going to have to wait.

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110 thoughts on “EBR 028: Your Ex Boyfriends Insecurity”

  1. Avatar

    Kyp

    April 6, 2017 at 2:54 pm

    How do I prove to him that things wouldn’t just be the same? He never let me talk. I really don’t want to lose him. We both wanted that future together. We pretty much wanted the same thing. We were happy when we were together. Because he never let me talk he doesn’t know just how much I did love him. Back in January he thought himself into depression again by thinking I was gonna leave him when I wasn’t. One day he told me that this was going to be a year of progression and I told him it would be. A week or two later he broke up with me. I know it was because he was influenced by a guy who didn’t even like me.
    Throughout his life people have always treated him pretty bad and that’s why he has low self esteem but when he was with me I always treated him right. I would always be there when he needed me and I made him feel like he mattered. I think that’s why he got so attached to me.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      April 9, 2017 at 2:20 pm

      you need to be active in your life.. looking at what the other girl does and worrying is not going to help you.
      be active in your life and in posting..Compile his interests as topics and read the link below:
      Texting An Ex Boyfriend (The New Rules)

  2. Avatar

    Kyp

    April 6, 2017 at 2:19 pm

    I’ve read some articles where they say use what you know about them to your advantage. I don’t know if that’s ok or not. And if so how? What he told me is that he prefers smaller brunettes. He said he likes girls who are smaller so he could feel like he could protect them with his size since he’s a bigger guy. His rebound is bigger and she’s a brunette but she dyed her hair blonde. Because she did that that tells me he didn’t tell her his preference for brunettes. With me I’m a smaller girl and I’m a natural brunette. Right now my hair is a different color but he knows I’m a natural brunette. I’ve been wondering if I tried going back to being a brunette and try going back to being that happy care free girl he said he missed if that would do anything. If so how would I be able to show him when again all I can do is post things on facebook and hope him or his friend sees it. If that’s even why his friend is even around.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      April 9, 2017 at 2:20 pm

      you need to be active in your life.. looking at what the other girl does and worrying is not going to help you.
      be active in your life and in posting..Compile his interests as topics and read the link below:
      Texting An Ex Boyfriend (The New Rules)

  3. Avatar

    Kyp

    April 6, 2017 at 2:00 pm

    I’m kinda at that point where I don’t know what to do anymore. I still wanna try getting him back but again i don’t know what to do. Lately I’ve noticed his rebound has been trying different things like bringing in a dog dying her hair posting I love you things on facebook etc. My thoughts on that is that he might be losing interest and she’s probably trying to keep his interest. But the reason he stays is because he doesn’t like being alone. I’ve been trying to figure out what to do. Last week he was sharing some of my posts but this week he isn’t and that worries me. I can’t try the jealousy bit because he has very low self esteem. He gets depressed a lot too and I think that might be why she brought in a dog but I know that’s not what he needs. He needs encouragement. I’ve been trying to figure out what to post but I don’t know. He has a friend who sent me a friend request sometime ago and I thought it was strange because none of his other friends have ever done that. I don’t know the guy and he doesn’t know me. I don’t know if that’s his way of watching me I don’t know. I’ve noticed a few times when I get on the friend will be on then a few minutes later my ex gets on.

    A couple days ago I found out his mom tried looking on my page but since I have it set to private she wasn’t able to see anything. I know his parents have had to be wondering what happened because it came out of nowhere and I know its because he was influenced. But the sad thing is is he doesn’t tell his parents anything about his life. They just know what he does tell them.

    I was with him for 3 years and in that time I got to know him. I was the first person he opened up to about his life. He still hasn’t with anybody else. Because I got to know him I can say this with full confidence. I know he’s not happy with his rebound. He only stays with her because he doesn’t like to be alone. How do I get him to realize its ok to come back to me?

    I did the no contact and no he didn’t text back but I don’t know if its because he’s with a new girl and it would be awkward or if its too hard to talk to me I don’t know. Last week he had a post about fighting with her and a couple days later I sent him a light hearted text and again he didn’t text back but after that I noticed he did share some of my posts so I wanted to take that as a good sign but as I said he hasn’t done anything this week so I don’t know what to do.

    With his low self esteem I don’t know if he would think that he could never come back to me or what. How do I change that?
    He left one of his games here which I don’t know why because he loves his games. He has two but the one he left with me is his good one. Awhile back I asked him for my stuff back but he always ignored that text but replied to the others. I don’t know if he left it with me on purpose or what.
    I want him back so bad and I know he’s not happy with her but I don’t know what to do. He told me once that he missed the happy care free girl I used to be. I’ve wondered if I were to try and get back to that if he would wanna come back but how would he know because I can’t see or talk to him. The only thing I can do is post on facebook. What do I do? The sad thing is I’m still very much in love with him. I know I shouldn’t be but I am

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      April 9, 2017 at 2:20 pm

      you need to be active in your life.. looking at what the other girl does and worrying is not going to help you.
      be active in your life and in posting..Compile his interests as topics and read the link below:
      Texting An Ex Boyfriend (The New Rules)

  4. Avatar

    Ally

    May 12, 2016 at 8:44 am

    Hi Chis. I have seeing a guy for a month. Everything was great first 4 dates, then we started being intimate. I feel like it may have been to fast. Relationship progressed, he deleted his profile from tinder but i still didn’t know where we stand. I asked, he said he doesn’t want to look for anything else. Then next time we were intimate the past relationship subject cam up and he stormed off the bed angry. He opened up and told me his ex left him, completely disappeared, removed all the contact, then he found out she was cheating on him with the guy she left to and got pregnant…It was a year and a half ago. He never got to talk to her so he didn’t know why. He still depressed and insecure about his decisions and himself, quite quick to judge and react and seems like he had few relationships after that where people left at this stage or he referred to them as needy and clingy… He said he wanted relationship but it changed lately, he said he doesn’t want to commit yesterday and he knows i do (to me?).

    I wanted to know where we stand so he doesn’t hurt me, so i pushed and after a week he started being distant, didn’t want to see me but still txt every now and then, He said he needs time, but at the same he avoided me, i really wanted to see him, so yesterday he had enough and told me this energy is too much for him, to back off that i am too much, too intense and he doesn’t want to partner up with me…and hurt himself and me it was txt…

    Is it all done deal? I am new to town, so i don’t have a network of friends here or job yet…i’m still adjusting, and had time on my hands to txt. I said i trusted him, and won’t be able to trust anyone again and thats how it ended. Shall I do the NC rule? Or shall i move on? I really like him, but I ma afraid I messed it all up completely by pissing him off and scaring him away? Was I a rebound?

    Thank you so much!

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 15, 2016 at 1:04 am

      Hi Ally,

      I think you’re took it too fast..I know it’s lonely but it’s better if you start making connections in the new place in a different way… Join a new class, go to the park, attend an event there, but with him I think you should move on.. You’re not in the same page.. I think he’s just looking for somebody to have fun with and no commitments in the mean time.

  5. Avatar

    Cristina

    April 30, 2016 at 4:13 am

    Hi Chris,
    My name is Cristina and I recently went through a break up. I have a few questions and I would love some advice, so this might be a long message (sorry) because I’ll be explaining what happened. Anyway, around the second week of April my boyfriend and I had a small argument. We’ve been dating since November and this was our first fight and break up. We argued over a stupid thing until he said something else that made me mad again. It got a little worse to the point where I needed a break, which he thought it wasn’t necessary. So on April 8th I told him we should “break up now, relax over the weekend, and fix things next week.” … As in take a break. Well, he took it the wrong way and got hurt. Next week comes, he avoids me so I talk to him first. Things started getting better until he mentioned long distance and we started arguing again. He is going to college in August, 3hrs and 30mins away from where I live (I don’t think he should worry about it now). He knows I am willing to do long distance and my parents would also drive me to see him. Anyway, two days later he tells me he doesn’t want to get back together. I started crying and kept asking why (I think I pushed him too far….). While holding my hand he tells me he loves me, cares for me, wants me to be happy, it was his best relationship, and he was very happy BUT he tells me he got tired of the fighting, things got slow, and we didn’t agree much at the end. ????

    That was the last time we spoke. Its been two weeks and I am still very confused, its been tough. I’m still very hurt and stressed. I love him so much and I want to be with him again. He was the reason of my happiness and I was his.
    I found out three things this week. 1) He’s been saying all these harsh things that I can not believe it came out of his mouth. Calling me stubborn, crazy, and obsessive. He’s been telling his friends when I broke up with him he completely lost feelings for me during the weekend (yeah right). 2) He’s been showing jealousy but denies it. I’ve been hanging with a mutual friend, Ivan. Ivan and my ex text a lot. My ex asked Ivan “are you and Cristina together” “are you going to prom with her” or “how are you and Cristina” … Jealous much? Then he says he’s not jealous, he just think its funny because I’m “using” Ivan as a rebound even tho he told me I should stop being so shy and talk. 3) My ex has been contacting a girl that he use to like last year (even tho she picked another guy over him) .. They’ve messaged each other way before and right after the break up. Tthey’ve been supposedly “best friends” and they recently hanged out since they haven’t seen each other in awhile… They are “catching up” I guess …
    I know I shouldn’t be going to conclusions already but I have a strong feeling she has something to do with this. Not because he likes her (I don’t think he does) but because I think she manipulated him to not go back out with me because she likes him. When I was dating my ex, there was something about her I didn’t like… Or he wants revenge because of Ivan.
    My questions: 1. Do I still have a chance?
    2. What should I do besides no contact?
    3. Is jealousy a good sign?
    4. Should I keep making him jealous or will I be pushing him away even more? (Not jealous on purpose)
    5. After ready my story, did he really move on?
    6. How long does it take to get over someone?
    7. Is it possible for someone to move on in less than a week or because of another girl/crush?
    8. When an ex talks smack, what does that usually mean? (In my situation)
    9. Using girl as rebound?
    10. Anything else I need to know?

    Once again I am very sorry for this very long message and many questions. I really want him back.

    1. Avatar

      Cristina

      May 4, 2016 at 9:32 pm

      Knowing him, he is probably waiting for me to confront him. He even told Ivan that he will not apologize to me about the way he’s been treating me because it will be a waste of time and he wants me to apologize instead.
      Ivan asked him why does he mention me so much and he said because he thinks it’s funny and he doesn’t want their friendship to get ruined, he wants to protect Ivan from getting hurt (lol what?).

    2. Avatar

      Cristina

      May 2, 2016 at 9:42 pm

      Thank you for replying. I never thought about that.

      What if he keeps telling people he will never get back together with me? I don’t believe that. He’s been lying and giving people stupid reasons. Should I confront him about it soon?
      He also keeps mentioning me to Ivan. It’s like he knows Ivan will tell me everything he says. I think he’s doing that on purpose but I don’t know why. ?? If he doesn’t have feelings for me anymore then why does he keep mentioning me and why does he keep annoying Ivan if he’s with me? (when he’s not)

    3. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 4, 2016 at 8:39 am

      how does Ivan respond to him? din’t confront him.. let him be.. just continue on improving yourself.. he’s probably expecting you to confront him, so take the high road, be silent and just improve yourself

    4. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 1, 2016 at 1:31 pm

      Hi Christina,

      yeah I think you have a chance.. if Ivan explained that you’re just friends then he’s really more likely acting out of jealousy with this other girl.. and using her to make you jealous.. you don’t have to cut contact with your friend.. just don’t do anything intimate or going towards that.. I think his ego was hurt when he thought you broke up with him, so that’s his way of saving face to his friends.. but that’s wrong. I don’t think he moved on that quick.. I think he’s just acting out ego..let him cool off by doing nc.. improve yourself while in it

  6. Avatar

    T

    March 21, 2016 at 8:53 am

    With 20 million dollars, I would pay off my student loans, my sister’s students loans, pay for my brother’s college, give my sister enough money to finish school, maybe pay off my parent’s mortgage depending on how much it is (I’m still a youngin who hasn’t taken their first step into the “real” world), buy my dream car (a Volkswagen hippy bus or any vintage Volkswagen car, but pimp it out by making it a hybrid), visit my sister in Korea and go to Japan, buy myself a small home, give my sister money to be able to visit us in America once or twice a year, buy decor for that small house I bought, send my parents to Italy or England, get a dog, and I think that’s it. lol Ugh~ One can only dream~ T^T

    1. Avatar

      T

      March 21, 2016 at 6:24 pm

      Thanks 😛 I really hope one day that I can have enough money to help out my family. 🙂 That’s true. ^^

    2. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 21, 2016 at 11:54 am

      That’s a good dream! If you really put in the work, it can cime true 😉 with your question about being a gnat.. yes it’s still possible.. sometime that even helps because the change is appararent

  7. Avatar

    Maya

    March 1, 2016 at 3:28 pm

    Hi Chris,
    Me and my ex started dating 3 months ago. We both fell in love with what we’re capable of chasing our dreams and do what we passion for. We both have a same goal. Sounds like a perfect life isn’t it?! But my condition wasn’t as good as him when we start dating. He had a perfect job and i was just quit my previous job. He was willing to support me and asked me to move in. I know it was too quick. But we both always handle everything so quick. Also he’s assure me that he’s never aks a woman to live with him, other than his previous ex. And it’s also a way to learn to live together for the rest of our life.

    In two weeks our relationship, he’s going through all my social media and my phone without my permission. And the next day he get angry because i still have old picture of my exes and my reply to my other ex christmas text. He said that he feel like just another men to me. To prevent that, I deactivated and deleted all my social media. Quick problem solved. He felt sorry for going through my phone. Later, i am texting with my gay friend (he’s also a friend of my highschool ex), we both call each other ‘babes’, and that what make my ex when on rampage. I tried to proove my innocent but he said my friend being gay it’s just a bull shit. And said that i am still stuck in my past. It was a huge no end argument, i lost my trust for him because he’s going through my phone again without permission. Quick solved problem, i change my number. That’s it, no more social media, new number, i even format my hardrive. My only contact is only him, close GIRL friends, family, and work related. No more past.

    Last fight, is he said that i am so needy, clingy, and make him can not do anything unless he take me with him. It’s true though. In that 2 months i changed became a type of girlfriend that i dont like it myself. I always take my chance to riding on a same bike with him (i have my own bike) to go to work. And i always work on the coffee shop nearby his workplace (i am a freelancer, that could work from everywhere). I was not aware that i became a clingy gf, i am doing that unconsciousness after from all the fight we had, he always said to me that what i did to him (talk to my guy friend, stuck in my past) is his chance to go cheating. He had 6years relationship before me, and those 6years he keep cheating on his ex with a lot of girls. Even in the beginning of our relationship, he has to cut of many girls and some of them are physco (i almost got hit with one of them). Basically i know that i am dealing with a player. But the real case of him is he’s so afraid to got cheated so he cheated 1st, plus his previous relationship is with flight crew attedance, she’s always away.

    So i am staying home. Work from home. Always at home unless go shopping or meet my friends. I less a frequence to go with him, and let him do what he want to do by himself. No more clingy. Three days ago, he came to me out of a blue, saying that he doesn’t have any interest to continue relationship with me. He said he doesn’t see a future with me, because i was doing nothing (because i always home).
    That was enough for me, i said “ok so what next?” He want me to get out of his life. As i tired fighting him back, i packed my things, and said will go out next morning. We went to bed. He hug me so tight like doesn’t want to let me go. Next morning i made breakfast, just like any other chill morning, and before i asked anything else, he asked me when i am gonna leave the house. Before i really go, i said that i never want to leave him, i said that all problemcan be fixed, because i am not his ex gf, i am not gonna go cheating on him. But he still want me to leave. So i move out, we broke up. In the evening i forgot that i left my raw wood in his house, so i text him asked when i can take it. He replied, “Which one? I thought ur artwork is for me?” I replied all i need is the raw one. He’s replying so late, i believe he’s checking up eith my friend what i want to do (one of our mutual friend gonna have same exhibtion with me). He asked “yes. You want to make something?”. I replied yes. 3hours later he replied “thank you for ur artwork, i will hang it in the house. I wish you make a proper one for me though. You never did, even if i asked. I wish you make a lot of things in house, instead you leaving and making things out there. I wish that you make a lot of artwork and chasing your dreams. That is maya i fell in love with.”
    Again, he’s putting me on the “betrayer” postion. As my friends advice and your NC rule. I dont reply, he does not answered when i can take my woods though.
    Late at night he sent another message, “thank you for washing dishes this morning.. And please dont forget to eat”
    I dont reply
    Next day he sent another message, that i left some clothes, and why is the reason for it, and where i am now.
    I dont reply. Already told him that he can threw out my lefted stuff before i leave.
    I fully understand of his insecurity. And how he care so much about me. But i am not a better version of me. I still dont have a job, even i am staying in my friend place now. What i was thinking is only doing the NC, make my porto from scratch (because i format my harddrie before), get a job (so i am not just only stay at home) get a better version of me before i come to his life again. I do want to comeback with him, because i want to spent my life with him, that’s the whole point i started date him eventhough i know he’s a player (insecure is what i found later in our relationship).
    I could say he’s actually mental illness. He love himself more than anything in the world (that’s why he prefer to go cheating before got cheated). Also, compare himself with other that he is a superior, he work harder than everyone (including me-only work from laptop doesn’t count hard for him). He’s dick is a player (he never cheat on me though) but he has a sensitive heart that making him feel so insecure. He said that he got a six sense to smell of something goes wrong, but he’s actually just go through stuff palying detective. But that’s what i fall in love about him. I told you this, hoping that you could have another version of advice for me.
    Because he’s really a nut case. All my friends are against me to get back to him, to even started a relationship (remember the social media case in the 1st two weeks?). I dont even know where to put my case (after i read most of ur post), is he a player, is he an insecure person, am i rebound for him, does NC for my case really have to be 30days?
    In some other web, i found that because he’s an insecure person, i have to tell him (reply his text) that i need spme space. That is i believe against the NC rules. So what should I really do to get him back?

    Thanks Chris

    1. Avatar

      Maya

      June 8, 2016 at 5:05 pm

      Hi Amor,

      Your last question is truly hit me. The answer is Yes, yes i want to go back with him.
      I met my ex – with intention to talk, and that time he showed up drunk and actually in a mess. I ended up taking him home, taking care of him, and slept with him. The next day i came up with conclusions that we both still emotionally unstable, so I did NC. Originally i planed it NC for 30 days, but I failed on the 1st week, because he pop-out at my friend house, which is my refugee camp since the brake up – before I found a new place. I became a GNAT girl on that night, went sleep crying. Woke up the next day and start again my NC. Last message from my ex – on my 2nd day NC (2nd attempt), he told me that he found a gf already, I dont response. When NC it supposed to be end, I have a lot of job interview – so it takes another 2 weeks before my 1st message.

      During NC, he changed his whatsapp profile picture with a crop new GF picture on their own workplace. It’s quite lame, but I got his point – he wanted to showed that he and the new gf got a nice job (they wear a uniform), while i am not. I remember on our first fight, occur because social media – he hate it so much coz it’s a tool to make other exes jealous, while it has no benefit to us – his current relationship (when we are still together). His profile picture got me mixed feeling about this gf totally a rebound but also “do I really want this ironically guy back to my life?”.

      So after 6 weeks NC and I still want him back, I can not wait to sent my 1st message and I prepare for the worst answer he could gave to me. My message, “I just watch The Jungle Book life-action and it made me think of you, after a while. Honestly, it actually made me smile :)” –> it’s actually best timing ever, while Jungle Book screening here – and he’s a big fan of Baloo.
      He replied in 5mins “I’ll let him know” –> I thought he’s being ironic by saying this and actually doesn’t want to talk to me anymore.

      I think I read almost all of exbf recovery articles, and did NC in the best way I could do, to realized that I lack a SELF-RESPECT during our relationship. So I take it slow with his reply, I thought about to make another 2 weeks NC before kick him with a WOW text that he couldn’t resist. More than The Jungle Book that he really like.

      There’s too much things back and forth and back and forth again in my life (doesn’t not intersecting in any form with my ex).
      I wont go on detail .. short story ;
      So 6 weeks NC -> 1st message,
      1 week after 1st message, I’ve got a project and have to work on another town, shortest way to go there is passing my ex house area. I thought is a good sign for me, if might happen to meet my ex on the street. But never, not once we met.
      2nd week after 1st message, I have to taking care a new friend (let’s call him J) from this new town, he got hospitalized.
      After 2 weeks passed, my friend (let’s call him P) told me that my ex pop-out at my hang out place – close to P’s store in my old town, try to figure it out why.
      But it’s too much going on in my life (back and forth back and forth again) than I could handle, I end up dating J – another week passed.
      I’ve got typhoid fever, for one week. J that been taking care of me, told me that I talk to my ex on my dreams – during high fever. J said, it’s better to give me a space and time to think. Recover myself and try to figure it out my own thought and feeling through my ex and my current bf.

      In total, 4 weeks NC after my 1st message.
      P call me “Today your ex pop-out in the coffee shop again, and he’s actually come and talk to me like we’re an old friend that hasn’t met for a long time. It’s just so weird. He asked me to do some business together, I told him, yes, when you and maya still together, maya is actually told me it would be nice to do some business with you. but since you guys broke up, she never mention about it anymore. I was expecting him to clarify his business skill, instead he talk about his current gf that have a good job that could help the business if I want to join them. You are better off with this guy. He doesn’t know how important love is. And no matter how much love you gave, it wont be enough for him. Promise me you wont ever talk nor think about him, never again. Please”
      I told P that i met J, my current bf, and the sleep talk during my typhoid fever. I promise P nothing, I need time to recover myself.

      Same day – at midnight, my ex sent me email,
      “i am really happy we broke up, I finally found the 1 I love, The Lady I was looking for,
      she way totally different from you, from your character, Your attitude & Everytying.
      here is some gift to you (He attached pictures of him and the new gf, on his bed, on places that he always took me on date, etc)
      just to let you know….
      oh ya.. there also picture at tanampol.. o took her there to enjoy the moonlight and so on. you know.
      bye”

      I am not giving him any response, but it actually crash me harder than the brake up. I mean, I know he dated someone since I started my 2nd attempt of NC. Rather than figuring out a way to get him back, I try to focusing on myself, and i am actually doing better than before. It’s been 11 days after his email. And today I found out that he’s actually move to work on a restaurant that located in the end of the road to my house. The restaurant is covered by glass and higher than the street level, with an open kitchen, my ex that work behind it could see people passing by on the street. I don’t know when he’s actually start working there. I really have no idea.

      After my sleep talking, i am actually thought that I still want my ex back, and J is only my rebound. On Amor’s post, I am only pass 1st step to getting close to my ex. I read latest Chris’s post, the email is a random vindictive message from my ex. He might seen me driving on J’s bike or I dont know .. But on Chris’s post doesn’t mention how to get my ex back or should I just give up. At this point, I dont see any positive response from him even feels like he become distant, yet .. Even if i became UG, I am desperately nervous, to have him so close to my house, to have him spamming my email. Is there any other article that I haven’t read??

    2. Avatar

      Maya

      March 3, 2016 at 2:59 am

      Amor,
      i replied his message. i told him, i am still in the same town with him, but i need some space. i call you back when i am ready. but i still need my raw material for next week exhibition, let me know when i can take it.
      he replied, do not make me wait so long.
      i dont reply (he still ignoring about my stuff)
      after hours he text again, “for something like this it is best to have someone support you & be with you to inspire & motivate, i am sorry i was not enough of support or a inspiration for you to create. i love you, we both need to support each other, not fight each other… we did go so fast. even at a different pace, we both tried. but dont make us wait.”
      to these i jump and cry from happiness, but i haven’t reply anything till now. i am actually panic, because he could change his mind in 3days. so i scroll ur website again. found about the mixed signal he sent to me. he is hyprocate. and decided to do NC perfectly,
      6hours ago .. i wrote what i write above and want to ask you “should i really did NC for 21days? or just jump how to text him and have an open coversation with him”
      but i didn’t sent it. guess what ..
      a friend told me that the night before, my ex came to her bar, bring a girl (this is the girl that almost hit me in the beginning of our relationship)
      i am speechless
      1st why he still in contact with someone in his past, while i should delete my social media (by his request) for me to proof that i get through my past
      2nd from all of the girl, why he has to be with this girl, he talking bad about this girl being so cheap for going out with different man every night. he just swallow his on words now.
      3rd if he only want sex, and thought will be easy to get it from this girl, why he have to bring her to my friends bar? why not doing it quietly?
      4th he’s again being hypocrite, he came to one of the bar staff (that a friend with both of us) saying “hey men, i know you must be heard some bad story about me, do not trust it.” while he came and bring this girl.

      this is how nut he is .. i know he did that on purpose (that’s is the way he’s mind working) it his tactic to come to that ‘public’ because people in that place will eventually told me. knowing this fact. i really want to run far far away from him. i feel disgusting. from all the girl, he can choose a new one. that could make me more excited to steal him back. but this girl? really? she’s the one that almost hit me in the beginning of me and my ex relationship. she’s not worth my time to be involved with anything between her and my ex. i better get far far away from it.

      but back to his message and the timeline..
      he came to the bar and the next morning i replied to his message, later i heard the story about he came to the bar.
      without knowing the timeline, i believe in his mind now that what he did is actually working. that’s why he sent me those messages.
      also, the fact that he slept with this girl or not, he did again, what i called guilty-insecure, before he heard from everyone that i move on with another man. he want people spread rumor to me that he’s already wit another girl.

      now i feel like just to have an open conversation with him. and just ask him directly does he really sure about coming back with me. it is not worth my time doing NC to get him back. better i do it for myself. for a better me. not for someone that couldn’t and doesn’t want to see my love.

      told you, i have a different case. this is super extreme insecure follow hypocrate. and guilty self-protection. it’s not gonna be hard for me to get him back. but he’s the one that pushing everyone away with his insecurity. he will have a same problem with another girl in the future.

    3. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 3, 2016 at 12:22 pm

      For me, you shouldn’t talk to him but if you really want to, If he says he’s sure he wants you back will you go back with him??

    4. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 1, 2016 at 5:07 pm

      Hi Maya,

      it’s not reay suoer against the rules of you just tell him you need space, just don’t tell him exactly how many days you’ll be gone and what nc is..And definitely do nc…and focus on gaining clarity

  8. Avatar

    Lauren

    February 16, 2016 at 12:19 am

    Hi Chris,

    How do you stop getting taunted by a man I’m dating who always keep repeating that I’m a drama queen? Each time there’s an argument, he kept saying that I’m arguing for attention. Its really tiring to be arguing for this.

    1. Avatar

      Lauren

      February 16, 2016 at 1:04 pm

      Does his actions imply that he’s insecure?

    2. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 16, 2016 at 1:20 pm

      I’m not sure.. it can also mean he just doesn’t know how to communicate properly or he’s not aware of his emotions

    3. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 16, 2016 at 11:25 am

      Hi Lauren,

      if he starts to argue.. don’t answer.. as they say.. less talk less mistakes.. just be silent .. and try to be calm..don’t reciprocate his anger

  9. Avatar

    MCK

    November 20, 2015 at 10:20 pm

    Hey Chris!

    …My ex and I have broken up for almost 2 months now. We have been together for only 7 months but we’ve known each other for a year and a half. He is insecure, but not of other guys but of himself. He has problems with emotions… Its a hard concept for him but when it comes to himself he is very generous that sometimes he seems so indifferent and selfish (to me) at times. I gave my time and effort but he cant seem to do the same. Those highlighted his insecurities as a person because he cant be a normal partner. I try to be patient with him, but the times when it got too hard that it hurt I try to break up with him but in the end taking him back a couple of times even though he couldn’t formulate a reason for me to do so, and I did it because I love him and want to help him.

    Then 2 months before the break up, we didn’t get to contact much since my mom forbid it since they found out that we did it. (Im 20 but my family is conservative) and then later on after an almost break up he this time pushed it and made it for real. And then he said in chat that he wants to be with someone when he can (direct quotation) “I wanna be with someone when I can provide, when I am secure with myself, when I can make proper decisions, when I can hold a decent conversation.” and then I asked that “it wont be me”, he said he didn’t know.

    Then after a month of NC I initiated contact and it was good, I was in a no fucks given mood and then messaged him a very long one detailing what I felt and learned after the break up, I saw him typing and typing but in the end he didnt respond.

    About physical intimacy, it was also a problem he had with that I tried bring patient with but I guess that wasn’t enough and added to his insecurities.

    Chris, I think that my ex is too insecure of himself to even look at me ever again and that it hurts that I did everything for it to work so far as to make compromises that damages my pride and self-esteem. I think that he is too emotionally challenged to try and rekindle anything, its like I’m a scar for him that he wants to hide forever. He is a nice guy but its just that when it comes to a relationship he is just… *sigh

    What do you think? I am at loss since this is my first relationship.

  10. Avatar

    Mary

    August 29, 2015 at 3:48 pm

    Hey Chris! I really need some help.
    I was with my ex partner for almost three years (on and off mostly because if his insecurity and bad behaviour deriving from that). Three weeks ago though he broke up with me (again) because he is certain I cheated on him (which I didn’t). He doesn’t pick up the phone, he doesn’t reply to msgs or emails and I haven’t heard from him ever since (this is the first time he completely disappears). Even if we don’t get back together I don’t want him to think that I cheated. What can I do?
    Thank you

  11. Avatar

    Lynn

    August 17, 2015 at 3:37 pm

    Hi Chris, I was hoping for some advice. I’ve bought the Pro Pack last night and am going to dive into it this evening. After reading your comments on insecure boyfriends, I think I might need to avoid doing the social media and was wondering what you would suggest . My ex is both long distance (another country) and he is very insecure. He was paranoid about me being on facebook, so I deleted my account to make him feel more secure. He also was jealous of my past relationships and my male co-workers/friends. Well, the deletion of facebook didn’t help because his insecurity still resulted in his negative feelings creating delusions that I was cheating/lying and he says that’s why we broke up. He sent about 9 emails after the breakup that was him “yelling” at me about being a liar. I responded with a long email telling him this type of jealous behavior during the relationship was unacceptable and that I could not deal with it in the future. After that email, he called and I refused to answer. I’m now on day 7 of no contact with him. What would you suggest for re-assuring him? I think he would see me renewing social media as proof of his insecurity-fueled fears about me cheating/lying. But I’m not sure what to do since he is both long distance and insecure. Thanks.

    1. Avatar

      Lynn

      September 3, 2015 at 3:40 am

      Hi Chris, I had my days off a bit. It’s actually 30 days this weekend. I sent him the first text today. He responded within 20 minutes briefly saying “no way””, which had nothing to do with the text I sent – so I am assuming he meant it about any idea of us getting back together. I didn’t respond. Then he sent me a long negative text later in the day asking why I was contacting him and telling me the breakup was my fault. I haven’t responded. So I’m planning to back off for about a week and let him calm down.

    2. Avatar

      Lynn

      August 27, 2015 at 8:05 pm

      Hi Chris, I wanted to give you an update about my boyfriend breaking up with me. After his phone call (that I didn’t answer), he sent a text 10 days later (just like your articles said a guy would!). His text was a short “I’m sorry and I wish you luck” message. I didn’t respond. I’m using social media to stay visible. It’s now been 17 days into no contact. It really helps to come read your website and your Pro book to keep staying strong and not break no contact. Thanks!

    3. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 2, 2015 at 3:06 am

      Thank you for the update Lynn, so glad to hear things are coming along for you.

    4. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      August 17, 2015 at 8:00 pm

      Yep if he’s in another country and that insecure, put him back on facebook and don’t do anything on there except a random post that doesn’t have to do with him every once in a while. Sounds like the ball is in your court. He’s going to have to learn to trust you. Try your best not to make him jealous at all and when your ready to talk to him again, you will have to find a plan to move closer to each other otherwise its not going to work in the end anyway.

  12. Avatar

    Arica

    June 30, 2015 at 6:03 pm

    Hi Chris! Let me just start by saying your site is so amazing and insightful! Thank you so much! Okay so I think my situation is slightly different so I am not sure if these same concepts would apply. So my ex and I have never delt with cheating between the 2 of us but have in prior relationships. He has only had 3 relationships prior to myself and has been the one who got hurt each time. I think he broke up with me because he was scared I would hurt him like the ones in the past. We reached the 7 month mark which is right past the times his past relationships ended. I am not sure how I should approach this situation and if it would be any different. I tried to pour my heart out to him and let him know that I love him and want to spend my life with him but that didn’t work. I have already completed 30 days of NC and text him but received a negative response. Please help!

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      July 9, 2015 at 12:34 am

      What exactly was the negative response?

  13. Avatar

    Misty

    June 16, 2015 at 2:03 pm

    Hi, I have a question. I’ve been with my bf for about a year & a half now. I’ve also been friends with him for over 10yrs. Should be a great relationship but we fight over the dumbest things that are mostly his fault & he’ll admit that. When he’s mad he’ll fight for days about nothing but if I’m mad at him for doing that & really upsetting me he’ll tell me everything’s fine drop it & we’ll be fine but it’s kind of hard to drop it when I’m really upset. He can be really mean when he’s mad & still throws things from the past in my face. I dated someone when HE stopped talking to me before we got together. He was so mean when we were kind of dating before but when he came back after a month & begged to be with me I took him back. He should be happy I left the other guy but he is still says things about it. He gets mad about the other guy liking my Facebook pictures! It’s so embarrassing to even say that because we’re adults & that is the dumbest thing anyone can get mad about. I’ve had to spend many nights out with girls he’s slept with in the past & girls he was talking to while being a jerk to me when we dated in the past. I don’t let that stuff bother me anymore but I don’t know if he’s going on his Facebook (he has one but he doesn’t use at all) just to check my pics or if his friends are watching & telling him (because that’s happened in the past) but I’m a good gf to him & I have no idea what to do anymore. How do I get him to stop living in the past & getting mad at dumb things? This makes me worry because if we ever saw that guy out one night he’d probably get so mad at me & end things because somehow it would be my fault even tho I have to constantly see girls from his past. I love him so much but I don’t know what to do. Please help!

    Thank you!

  14. Avatar

    Ana

    May 4, 2015 at 4:41 pm

    Hi Chris, A few days ago I broke the no contact rule and talked to my ex. He told me that he missed me and that for him all this wasn’t easy, and that he needed a time to think until he feels peaceful so that we can talk again and be friends. Though while we were talking, he had his eyes filled with tears, and then we hug each other and said goodbye…Now, I would like to know what shall I do.

    Thank you!

  15. Avatar

    Ana

    May 4, 2015 at 3:24 am

    Hi Chris, few days ago I broke the no contact rule and talked to my ex. He told me that he missed me and that for him all this wasn’t easy, and that he needed a time to think until he feels peaceful so that we can talk again and be friends. Though while we were talking, he had his eyes filled with tears, and then we hug each other and said goodbye…Now, I would like to know what shall I do.

    Thank you!

  16. Avatar

    Sadaf

    April 27, 2015 at 10:05 pm

    Hey Chris
    I know I’ve commented on other pages as well but as I keep reading your website,listening to your podcasts and thinking through my relationship, I come to realize new things about it ..
    My ex boyfriend (30) and I(23) were really in love at first but as the time passed he grew more and more distant because he had this idea that I’m MUCH better than him and he’s not good enough for me ..
    I think the thing that you mentioned on your website repeatedly on “Being better than you boyfriend” worked the opposite for me..
    Even though he was really into me at the beginning, over the time it kind of turned him off ..Lately I had some good job offers and I’m also planning to get my MS and I’ve also made significant progress in my current job …
    I remembering him saying :” Why do you seem taller (than me) at times??” (He’s as tall as me ) or thing like that ..
    I used to give him compliments so as to show him what he’s got, but they didn’t seem to work ..
    So as a result of his insecurities, he grew more and more distant ..In the last month of our relationship, remember him telling me that I am a successful beautiful girl and I should find myself a GOOD boyfriend…This hurt me on such a deep level that I couldn’t really realize what was happening
    I really didn’t get what was going on in his mind ..and I thought he’s cheating on me ..So I called him and we had a fight and he broke up with me officially and when I asked him the reason, he said there’s no future for us …and after the phone call stopped contacting me ..
    I was really emotional so two days after our breakup I showed up unannounced by his door just to talk to him cuz he wouldn’t respond my messages. He got really angry but he remained cool and calmed me down ..but I KNOW how angry he was ..
    I’ve been on NC for 24 days since that day, but do you think he’ll ever take me back??
    Should I try taking him back at all regarding to the fact he said we have no future??
    I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him but when I remember all that’s happened I really don’t know what to do ..
    I’d appreciate if you help me on this …
    Thanks for your support :}

  17. Avatar

    Marie

    April 25, 2015 at 5:32 pm

    Chris…I can’t thank you enough…after purchasing your Ex-BF Recovery Pro book, and getting your personalized advice above, I am successfully back with my ex and we are happier than ever! NC worked flawlessly…he did sleep with someone, which hurts, however he said it made him realize how much he truly missed me. He admitted to keeping up with my social media, and seeing how well I was doing. He even talked to my roommate. Once we started talking again, it took one week for him to ask to get back together and for me to move in with him! I have ended my night job, and he has helped me update my resume so I can get a day job while I am finishing my degree. Everything has just flawlessly fallen into place…I’m still in awe! Thank you, Thank You, THANK YOU!

    Marie, the former exotic dancer 🙂

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 27, 2015 at 10:13 pm

      NO WAY!

      I am super happy to hear this.

      Awesome awesome awesome.

  18. Avatar

    ezna

    April 10, 2015 at 2:28 pm

    also lemmi add that he has a really big ego , even when we were still dating whenever we had an argument l was always the 1st one to approach him to talk things out otherwise he’ll sulk the whole day which can really suck especially since we were staying together

  19. Avatar

    ezna

    April 10, 2015 at 2:23 pm

    hey chris
    my bf broke up with me last year november , we dated for 9 months n even stayed together , he broke up with me coz of his insecurities n trust issues he always thought l was gonna leave him or dint love him enough, l have been in no contact since then after begging him for 2 weeks to take me back with no success, during no contact l improved myself , went out with other guys, had fun now l feel am in a stable situation am not needy anymore n somehow l have gotten over him, he did not make any effort to contact me during my 4 months of nc , l posted pictures of me having fun with friends on fb but their was this one time l posted a pic looking happy with a guy in it , ex then unfriended me from Facebook that was a day b4 his bday , l dint send him a bday text , that was back in Feb , just b4 1st April l texted him saying their is no reason for us to act like enemies or strangers just coz we broke up, he replied after 2 days with along text saying he has no grudge n he’s easter is awesome hope mine is too then wished me a great day , the next day l replied to his text saying happy easter but he hasn’t replied yet n its almost a week, what do you think is going on with him, l kind of miss him but not in a desparet way.

  20. Avatar

    Madeline

    April 4, 2015 at 8:58 pm

    Hi. New to your site. Not sure this counts as an ex but was seeing someone for a few weeks. ( have known and he had longtime crush on me) all well until a miscommunication over text – I came off needy to hang out. He was thrown off by this BBC he had an ex who would get mad when he wouldn’t hang out when she asked and would go psycho. I should say this was the first time I appeared needy to hang out and had been drinking. He was actually trying to make a solution to hang the next day but I wouldn’t listen and kept saying we should hang that night or I felt he wasn’t into me anymore. I apologized the next day ( sober)but then became a “text knat”- see I’ve been reading! To overcompensate for my miscommunication. We became very close very quickly and like I said since I’ve known him now would like to fix and make work. I don’t think he is completely done w me but we usually talk multiple times per day and I haven’t wrote back in 3 since his last text said he needed to be alone and focus on work. Normally I wouldn’t care after a short time but this feels different. Any suggestions on how to get him crushing back on me again. Can’t believe I ruined all over text! Thanks! Maddie

    1. Avatar

      Madeline

      April 4, 2015 at 9:01 pm

      Should also add we r in early 30s so you kinda want to make things work when you find someone you really relate with

    2. admin

      admin

      April 7, 2015 at 8:46 pm

      I completely understand.

      Have you attempted a NC on him yet?

    3. Avatar

      Madeline

      April 8, 2015 at 12:04 am

      I did for 3 days then texted. I asked if he was seeing other ppl. He wrote back he has a few girls he talks too ( prior to us ) and still was as I have never told him my status with who I see. (We didn’t talk about it as it Again this was all new). Now he is away for work is not sure how to proceed. This is something I see potentional but now after the miscommunication I’m not sure he fully sees me as he did before. Since so new I worry NC will only push him to not want anything.

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