Popular posts
The Complete Guide For Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back
How To Make Him Miss You After A Breakup
The Ungettable Girl
The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)
The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule
The Male Mind AFTER The No Contact Rule
What Your Ex Boyfriend Says Vs. What He Really Means
Here’s Exactly What He’s Thinking During The No Contact Rule
What To Do If Your Ex Boyfriend Blocks You
Signs My Ex Wants Me Back
Recent posts
What Happens When A Narcissist Collapses?
How Do Avoidants Sabotage A Relationship?
Dismissive Avoidants And The No Contact Rule
The Power Of Silence After Rejection
Why Are Dismissive Avoidants Cruel?
The #1 Reason A Man Suddenly Commits
How Long Does Avoidant Deactivation Last?
How To Let Go Of An Avoidant Partner
How Do Avoidants Create Distance?
What Is An Avoidants Biggest Fear?
Post categories
janina
October 27, 2016 at 6:57 pm
What do you do if after finally breaking no contact, the ex asks why you have been ignoring him?
Keeping in mind that I don’t want to respond with anything that isn’t truthful e.g
pretend ive been busy, because I don’t feel right lying to him
Also what do you do if he brings up problems from the relationship and wants to talk about them during the first few conversations when you are trying to keep it light and positive and casual ?
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 29, 2016 at 12:33 am
Hi Janina,
tell him you took time to heal from the break up.. if he brings up problems, listen and be calm, don’t engage in a fight.
Advice please
October 27, 2016 at 3:06 pm
I would like to get some advice, I am completely lost.
I was dating my exbf (which by the way he was married, I know it’s not right but please don’t judge yet) for 6.5 years. We had very good relationship and everything is compatible between us. We don’t have much arguments but maybe because it’s an affair.
Couple months ago I met someone who is exactly opposite from my exbf, and I suddenly broke off with my ex and be with his guy after we broke up just because he is not married. First of all was I cheating?
Long story short, less than one month after our break up, my ex told me that he left his wife, but at that time I ignored him and I told him I got a new boyfriend. He was shocked that I could move on so quickly. And after two months passed, relationship between me and new guy wasn’t too good as I kind of think he was a rebound lineup even before I broke up with ex.
I miss my ex so much and I think about all the good time together. We were much more compatible. He sends me txt from time to time, many times with comments about our past favourite things and I am regretting so much for what I have done.
Bad move is that I asked him if we can try again, without an actual NC. He has not replied me yet. But I believe he will say no.
I also have not broken up with rebound yet, but I believe it’s gonna happen soon.
What should I do… Do I still have a chance?? Thanks a lot, Amor or Chris.
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 28, 2016 at 11:25 pm
Hi Advice please,
first, if you really don’t love your rebound boyfriend, whether you get your ex back or not you should break up with him. Don’t make the situation more complicated by not taking responsibility of choices that you can make. And then do a no contact rule. Find yourself, be independent, improve and grow before making any decision
Valerie
October 27, 2016 at 2:05 am
Hi! Id like to get some help…
Me and my exboyfriend were together for 6 and a half months. He is a grade above me. We used to talk about our future and going to school together when we graduate. Even calling each other soulmates and talking about marriage. We spend everyday with each other. Every night we faced timed and fell asleep over the phone. He was my best friend and everything to me. He still is. We had an amazing relationship and we were so happy. We did have problems. We fought a lot. He had trust issues and issues with jealousy and anger. Towards the end he got controlling and more jealous of things. He though I was going to cheat on him. I never did and I never would. He also thought I always lied to him. I did lie twice. We fought everyday for 2 weeks at the end of our relationship. He also grew more distant, he wasn’t himself as much. He tried to breakup with me twice during the week we actually broke up. They were both due to big fights. The last fight before we actually broke up we had a long talk where he tried to breakup with me but he said he just couldn’t do it, he loved me too much. A few days later I went to his house, the whole day he wasn’t putting much effort into conversation. He was very distant. Then he asked to go for a drive, I knew this wouldn’t end well. While driving he said he couldn’t do this anymore, he “didn’t think he wanted a relationship anymore.” The whole time he kept telling me how much he loved me and telling me how amazing I am and he will always be here for me. HE wanted to do this because of all the fighting. He also said he didn’t feel like himself and he needed time figure out who he was. He said he had become such an angry person and he wanted to like he was when we first met me. I agreed to that and i accepted it. I was torn. We also talked about getting back together later on and that night he said being realistic we probably will. He kept repeating how he loved me so much and how he doesn’t want to loose me, he just doesn’t know who he is. We both cried a lot. We were both completely torn, Ive never seen him so sad. He also assured me there was no one else, I believed him. I promised him i would wait however long it takes and I wouldn’t be with anyone else. He said the same. Saying bye that night was difficult, we didn’t let go and we hugged for a very long time. That night his friends dragged him to go out because he kept crying. The next day he also went out. I was hurt that he had the energy to go out. Im still completely broken and still don’t go a day without crying or having panic attacks. Ive never been like this before. A few days later I see that he is in a girls Instagram profile picture, but he said she was just a fan. I also see that he was liking a lot of girls pictures from months ago. This made me extremely mad. It made me feel like I wasn’t as pretty as them. He said sorry for it and they weren’t anything. We occasionally texted that week. He’d text me saying he loved me and missed me. Id say the same and say how I wished things didn’t have to be like this. This weekend I went to a volleyball game hoping to see him there. He wasn’t there, later he got mad because he said his friends were saying I was with guys. After I went to go eat with my best friend where guys were there. I lied about it. The next day I saw him at a party. He said he wasn’t going because of me being there but he showed up. I saw him and we hugged and cried there. We were talking about how miserable we have been. That night was amazing, it was like how we were when we were together. We did have an argument, about him thinking i lied about who i came with, i went with my best friend. We got over it and had a great night. Following that he asked me many many many times if i had been talking to guys and i said no. Earlier that day he was very mad for me big at my friends birthday lunch with guys there. I havent been talking to any one. The next day we talked, but were semi short. He kept asking if i was talking to guys. Monday he found out about me going to eat and lying. He said he was completely done with me. We eded the fight and hardly talked that day. Tuesday he tells me he had been drinking the whole day and he was being very negative about life. He told me how he hated himself for losing the only thing that mattered in life, me. He was also saying how he didn’t care about life or anything. That same day I had found out he was texting a girl, he lied about it when I asked him earlier if he was talking to someone. He tried to down play it. Saying he just messaged her complementing her on her pageants and to get his music out. I don’t believe this. I was extremely hurt. He didn’t seem to think it was a big deal. Today i decided not to talk to him. He texted me asking if i was going to a friends party, this friend is someone who he hates, he was an exboyfriend. He told me he was going. I was enraged, he hates him and doesn’t like anyone from my school. I decided to go for a run but I started to feel faint, as no one but him was nearby I called him to take me home. He picked me up and got mad at me for running while sick. He was rude. When we got to my house I got out of the car and ran inside, all i said was thanks. I told him how upset I was and he said sorry. He said he was just worried and scared. We haven’t spoken since the conversation. I have no idea how to handle this. We are both completely torn apart. I miss him and I know he misses me. We both confessed to not being ourselves without each other. I can’t see myself with anyone other than him. Im very confused. I don’t know whats going on at all right now.
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 28, 2016 at 9:13 pm
Hi Valerie,
Yeah, but you won’t get a restart if you keep seeing each other.. Why not try to do a no contact rule? Try the advice above.. If you bump into him, just be civil.. if he initiates a feelings or a relationship talk, politely tell him you’re not ready to have it yet.. Use this time to improve yourself, regain balance and to be independent.
Ruby
October 26, 2016 at 12:24 am
Hi,
I have been in a relationship from last three years. I met my bf in a company, where we worked together for few days. The relationship was very exciting and romantic initially. He made me meet his family within a month and said that he wants to take at least one year, before he marries me. I did not want to put any condition on our relation and hence I agreed.
I used to visit his home every weekend, when his mother is around. His mother acted very nicely initially; but as the time past, I observed that she has huge expectations from whosoever will be her daughter in law and is afraid to loose control from his son. I tried to win her, with all I could do. However, it became a problem when I felt that my relationship with my bf has converted into a homely affair; where everything is required to be stamped by his mother, which actually used to be my bf wishes/statements.
On the other hand, gradually my bf started taking control of our lives and became very possessive. He did not want me to wear short dresses, wanted me to change for good and behave in a particular way so that his family likes me. I could see his love behind his acts; but the way he did all this, was terrible (by being dominating, putting conditions and sometimes being loud).
I did things which he liked so that we could have peace in our relationship. But at times, i also got angry when I could not control myself upon, killing my wishes, doing things which only he and his family likes, him using inappropriate words/tone. Later I learnt that he had anger problems which started when his ex cheated upon him, after around 9-10 years of affair (since school time). I thought may be my love will change him; but instead of him getting rid of his temper; I also started getting angry frequently. Which did worst to our relationship.
We started fighting frequently! My father had always given me liberty to do things in a way I like and hence it was intolerable that someone was dominating me. Even though he used to say right things but with wrong tone and words. The fights used to happen anytime, anywhere, which was next thing again not tolerable to me. As I do not like any discussion or anything at public places.
We used to have fights in front of our families too. Our families were worried about us. And hence his mother tried to resolve the problems. And another huge problem started here. As there is a big generation gap. She said things which were right as per her experience and kind of era, she has lived in. But it was not acceptable to me. She is little conservative about girl’s liberty, dressing, living, speaking and doing things. Her trial of resolving our fights, made it a nightmare for me; as I come from a background wherein my family is Osho follower and has completely different thoughts about girl life.
Hence, whether it is my bf mistake or mine, his mother always used to scold me for fights (over the phone, when my bf is at work) and for standing up against his loud behavior. Gradually I learnt that this was because my bf had gone through a rare and critical disease. My bf’s family had spent a fortune on my bf, to get him back to life. My bf’s mother stood as a strong support to get his life fixed after his disease and a worst ever break up, with his ex. She did not want any more troubles in his son’s life.
My life had become a hell; wherein, I had either a choice of live like a prisoner or leave. I was deeply in love with my bf and hence tried to do all what my bf and his mother said. I failed miserably and result was severe fights.
A day came when I made another worst mistake (I don’t know what should I call it! Mistake or what). We had a fight at his home, in front of his mother. If my bf says anything inappropriate, then I can not just keep quiet and as usual I answered him for his inappropriate talks, which sparked the fight more! His mother tried to pull me by my hand, with intolerable force (in anger), to another room; so that fight does not increase and we get a short break from each other. For a moment I felt as if I will die with pain. I shouted in pain to leave me! The blunder here I made was that I did not use appropriate words for his mother’s act of mishandling my hand, due to which I had to go through bandages. My bf got extremely angry due to this blame as my bf’s mother stated that it all happened unknowingly and she cried upon the words I had used for her act!
Since this event, his mother became more annoyed from me. She tried every way to get us apart, by scolding me over the phone, saying negative things to my bf and doing all those acts which made me a subject of hate for everyone, including my own family and my bf’s relatives. This made a very negative impact on our relationship. Not just my bf has become very negative; but my siblings also have started to look at me differently. And I feel very bad about it.
I sense negativity each time, my bf talks to me. There is no respect or love that I can see in him, for me. He has tried breaking up with me several times but every time I said sorry and pleaded him to stay back. He told me many times that he does not like me to plead in front of him, but wants me to change the way, I behave and act (I do not listen to his loud tone and answer him back.). And I know I can NEVER listen to his loud words or keep on killing my wishes always. Still I have asked him multiple times, what does he want and he says that I should understand it on my own.
The situation has become so bad that my bf gets loud every now or then; even on silly things. He and his mother both portray me negative, in front of every one, including my own family and his relatives. Initially it was my love for him that I pleaded him to stay with me. But since this repeated event of him and his mother portraying a negative picture of mine, in front of my family (for no fault that I believe, I have done); I feel as if I am all alone and he does not even exist in my life anymore. The love is dead because of fights, unpleasant time, and such hurtful events; we had in last three years.
The positive part of current situation is I and my bf still want to save this relationship. I have learnt to improve myself. The time I used to spend on talking to him for hours; is now being utilized towards constructive things. I did not realize that hIs dominance on my life and finances has actually turned out to be fruitful. I feel stronger, better and wealthy.
And worst part is there is no love left. In the try of saving the future, our present has died. Our families had announced our marriage. But neither me nor him feel like marrying each other. Due to all negativity and multiple false things spread out, his family and relatives are not willing to accept me, from their hearts. They are doing it just for the sake of my bf’s wish. The most important part is my bf does not respect or love me anymore; and has turned into a money making machine only; who is running to secure his future moneywise.
Because of my bf’s try of giving me and his family equal time, we do not have any private time. If we are going out then most of the times, his family (particularly his mother) is with us essentially. This has brought another angle of boredom and monotonous life.
And another major problem is my bf’s mother has very strong influence on my bf and his family. Even after my several tries, she has completely turned negative towards me. Her fear of loosing her son and displeasure towards my liberal views, she has done and is still doing many negative things; which worsen my relationship with my bf continuously.
Now neither I can say anything against my bf’s mother nor I want to do so personally, as my morals do not allow me to speak negative things about any elder. However, I do not know how to make her realize that because of all this, her own son’s life is being spilled. Also, neither I and my bf can stay with each other’s natures and behavior; nor we can leave each other. We both feel stuck.
I did not know what to do and then I read about your guidance to many people and decided to follow ’no contact rule’. Its been around a week and I do not feel any anxiety as this is not the first time, I have been trying to stay away from him. But this is the first time, when I am not pleading my bf and yet he is trying to approach me frequently. So I already see this difference and a huge thank you for this. However, I am afraid even if he comes back after this “no contact rule”; then too, I won’t see any change in him.
And, I am still confused what should I do, to get this mess fixed. I wish to start a new life with him and come over all the negativity. I want to live my present and do not wish to kill my wishes. (According to my bf, my priorities should be on things that are fruitful. And I should not waste time on anything that is not fruitful. Opposite to my theory of living life by doing what you like.) I do not know how to make him understand meaning of emotions, feeling of joy that i get from dancing and living my present, without worrying too much about future. I do not know how to fill the generation gap, my bf’s mother has. But this is important because after marriage, we all are planning to live together. Please guide.
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 27, 2016 at 6:48 pm
Hi Ruby,
You mean you plan to live together with his mom? Well, you need to have a heart to heart talk with her.. If she and your boyfriend doesn’t change, you have to walk away.. Because they will keep doing what they’re doing if you don’t have strong standards for yourself.
Amber
October 25, 2016 at 5:20 pm
Hi!
So my ex and I have been split up for about a month. He’s 25, I’m 23. We split up Because I had lied to him, I hid that I was talking to an ex, because I didn’t want to start a fight. It was purely innocent as my ex and I had a home and a dog together and when he called I thought it was an emergency. However, I know what I did was wrong. My ex boyfriend and I remained in contact off and on, he seemed like he was really confused. We ended up seeing each other and sleeping with each other.. After that we flirted off and on, but I told him I couldn’t be just friends with him. I ended up texting him later asking if I could bring him the money I owed him, he said he was gonna be out of town, and me being angry stopped texting him. After a couple days I told him I’d just mail it to him. And he ended up asking me what my problem was and I told him it was the fact that he was posting on Snapchat of him hanging out with this girl. (He was clearly trying to make me jealous, he’s never on snap chat.) Anyways we had small talk and I wasn’t mad at him anymore and went to his house 2 days ago to return the money. We ended up talking, he texted me after apologizing that it was depressing and awkward and that he didn’t care about the money he just wanted to see me. I didn’t reply till the next day asking why, he replied you know why and I waited another day to reply, I said I really didn’t know why and he texted me back saying he quit. I replied back by saying I thought that is what you wanted me to be was a friend and that I was trying to give him space. He ended up replying saying I quit trying to explain it. I quit with the random messages to you. And he hasn’t replied since. I really don’t know what to do. Should I keep trying to talk to him or wait for him to initiate conversation with me. Or give up.. I’m just confused.
Thank you so much!
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 26, 2016 at 8:24 pm
Hi Amber,
if you keep talking to him, it’s like you didn’t get what he just said. He said, he quit talking to you.. Either you move on, or try to do a full no contact.
Amber
October 25, 2016 at 5:20 pm
Hi!
So my ex and I have been split up for about a month. He’s 25, I’m 23. We split up Because I had lied to him, I hid that I was talking to an ex, because I didn’t want to start a fight. It was purely innocent as my ex and I had a home and a dog together and when he called I thought it was an emergency. However, I know what I did was wrong. My ex boyfriend and I remained in contact off and on, he seemed like he was really confused. We ended up seeing each other and sleeping with each other.. After that we flirted off and on, but I told him I couldn’t be just friends with him. I ended up texting him later asking if I could bring him the money I owed him, he said he was gonna be out of town, and me being angry stopped texting him. After a couple days I told him I’d just mail it to him. And he ended up asking me what my problem was and I told him it was the fact that he was posting on Snapchat of him hanging out with this girl. (He was clearly trying to make me jealous, he’s never on snap chat.) Anyways we had small talk and I wasn’t mad at him anymore and went to his house 2 days ago to return the money. We ended up talking, he texted me after apologizing that it was depressing and awkward and that he didn’t care about the money he just wanted to see me. I didn’t reply till the next day asking why, he replied you know why and I waited another day to reply, I said I really didn’t know why and he texted me back saying he quit. I replied back by saying I thought that is what you wanted me to be was a friend and that I was trying to give him space. He ended up replying saying I quit trying to explain it. I quit with the random messages to you. And he hasn’t replied since. I really don’t know what to do. Should I keep trying to talk to him or wait for him to initiate conversation with me. Or give up.. I’m just confused.
Thank you so much!
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 26, 2016 at 6:56 pm
Hi Amber,
It’s like you wanted to be friendzoned, or friends with benefits.. Do you want to try full no contact?
Josie
October 24, 2016 at 6:40 pm
Hi Amor,
I had written awhile back and you had given me the advice to do a 45 day no contact rule. I did get to a 40 day. Here’s a recap and candid overview of my situation. I had dated my ex for year and a half. Lived with him 9 mo out of those. He is divorced and has 2 kids(7,9) living half time. We are both 40. Everything went very fast with us. We both fell hard. I did not know until just a few months ago when I started dating him he had broken up with his ex 2 weeks prior to our dating and I didn’t realize I was the rebound until it was too late. Fast forward to 7 months ago, he tells me he still has feelings for his ex and I move out. I go into no contact for 3 weeks, he starts calling me even though he’s seeing her. I start seeing and sleeping with him knowing he’s seeing her. Bad move. We are in love triangle for 4 months. Though she doesn’t really know about. She worries I’m still around but doesn’t know I actually am. Finally I reach my breaking point and go into no contact for 40 days. 2 weeks ago, I go out of no contact I text him for help with computer issue. Since then he has been all over my texts. Though seemly fully committed to this other woman. I know this because I did the cardinal sin and asked him about her, in two different conversations. I feel I left no contact too early now. I don’t have holy trinity together. My career its not where it needs to be and yesterday I was in a very low state and called him pretty much most of the day. The first time doing such a thing. PMS and being in a bad place not a good mix. I didn’t do any begging for him to come back but did discuss our past relationship. Trying to understand what went wrong when he said to me there’s nothing I did. He was still in love with her but he has feelings for both of us. So this is a problem. The phones calls were all over the place from him offering to help me out financially to us having phone sex. I texted him this morning and he seemed fine. I don’t know if I can bounce back now that I have shown so much of my hand and that hand is still not doing well since our break up. I’m sure you can surmise from reading this that I still have work to do on myself. Where do I go from here? Go back into no contact? Continue texting? Act like yesterday was just one of those crappy days everyone has? I did forget one bit of info. We already met for lunch 7 days into speaking again and he kissed me and we’ve discussed seeing each over again in the future. I really don’t know where to go from here. Any help would be of sincere gratitude!
Josie
October 25, 2016 at 6:56 pm
Update: I texted him to let him know I wouldn’t need his help. That things had turned around for me. Despite being a lie, I felt this was a better way to go then for him to think I was still in the place I was a few days ago.
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 26, 2016 at 11:36 am
Hi Josie,
actually it doesnt matter if you did the no contact rule if you didnt improve.. because that’s the most important thing.. and he’s still trying to make you his woman on the side by initiating phone sex with you, promising a future when he cant even fix the present..for me, you should move on…If you can love a guy who can fool you like this, what more if you met a proper man?
But if you still want to try, improve yourself first.. No matter how long it takes, do that first.. Whether you want to keep taking to him or not, just put yourself first… but actually, it would be better if you don’t talk to him while you’re improving yourself because your not that strong to say no when needed…
Josie
October 24, 2016 at 8:33 pm
His ex is not his ex wife. It’s an ex he had an on again off again relationship for a year before me. They were not serious before but this time it is definitely different and she has met the family. I’m clearly overthinking this. I’m aware.
Josie
October 24, 2016 at 7:08 pm
Also, I’m wondering if this may be a situation were I’m too available to him and going no contact for a longer period may help. 40 days might not have been enough. Especially in regards to to getting myself together. Maybe the fact that this man has me so readily does not allow for resolution. I also lack patience, which something I’m working on. The issue: I don’t know if going no contact will cut off any chance to rekindle anything in the future. Thanks again.
Cree Bashford
October 24, 2016 at 5:04 pm
I’ll start from the begining, my ex boyfriend and i’s relationship has been perfect for 3 years, hes my best friend, we get along like a house on fire, never have a dull moment together, never ever argued it was perfect! There had been a few things that had happened, like his parents told him they didn’t really love eachother anymore and they might break up but they seem to be trying, but as he is 23 and very sensitive and still lives at home it hit him really hard, he also got made redundant from the job that he loves.
At the end of July he sat me down and told me that something didn’t feel right, he said he thought the spark had gone, he didn’t want to see me as much as before, didn’t think about me in the day that much, doesn’t want me to come out with his friends that much any more, and he basically said he felt bored. After this chat we went on a 2 week break with minimal contact to see if he missed me as he never did.
After our break he said that nothing much had changed but he wanted to try and bring the spark back by dating once a week and seeing a little less of each other as we saw eachother a lot. We tried for about a month, we even stayed in an expensive hotel and had an amazing dinner one night and we both said it was amazing. But a few days later after one of our dates he said to me that he didn’t think he was in the right state of mind to be with me right now, he said he loves me more than anything in the world but he just needed to be by himself for a while. This broke my heart, he kept saying things like so many couples break up and end up getting back together it’s really normal, we just needed to take some time out. Every time we spoke about these problems, when we went on our break and when we broke up he was crying so much telling me how much he loves me.
This was 6 weeks ago, i tried 30 day no contact and he contacted me on the 30th day and we’ve had a few more chats that lasted all day since then. I want this man back so badly, ive never felt a connection with someone like him ever i love him so much! But what i need to achieve is to make him miss me and want to see me as thats why we broke up.
What can i do to make him want me back?!
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 26, 2016 at 9:50 am
Hi Cree,
how much did you improve during nc? And are you still doing so now? You said you’re still texting until now, did you progress to calls? if you dont really call each other before, are you building up rapport? Are you always available? If you compate yourself now, to the old you, how many new things have you done and how many new friends have you made?
Scarlett
October 24, 2016 at 3:13 pm
Hi there, my bf and I broke up a few months ago, due to communication problems and the fact that he often pulled out of plans we had made together. There is a seven year age gap (I am older and in my late thirties) and he is rather immature for his age so I felt that he may not have been quite ready for a relationship. That being said, I was his first serious relationship and he has always maintained that he is quite picky when it comes to dating women and that the age gap didn’t bother him, he prefers older women plus he felt I ticked all the boxes. After a break of about a month during which time we didn’t have any contact, I started to really miss him and got back in touch, asking if we could talk. He responded immediately and we had a chat on the phone and agreed to meet up. We aired our grievances and both apologized for any behaviour that may have upset the other person. We decided to give it another go. We took it slowly but both of us seemed to be making a conscious effort not to fall into old habits. We’ve always had a good sex life but over the last couple of weeks, we haven’t been as active as we used to be due to work commitments but we’re both highly sexed and it was not because either of us didn’t want to. We made a plan to see each other last weekend and have a ‘special’ date night on our own. The Thursday before the weekend, he came over quite late and due to the fact that I was exhausted, I mentioned that even though we couldn’t really fool around that night (I have housemates who go to bed very early and who I didn’t want to disturb which is another factor) we would have Saturday to look forward to. He didn’t seem to be too annoyed. Everything seemed fine until on Saturday when I sent him a text and asked was he still ok for that night. He wrote back a couple of hours before I was meant to call over and said he felt sick and was cancelling. I was very angry and upset and I felt he may have been feigning his illness but in the end I told him to get well soon. The next day I sent him a message asking how he was and he was quite cold with me. I then asked him if there were any issues he needed to address and he ignored the message. A couple of days later I texted him asking if we could talk. He didn’t get back til the next day and said I could call him that evening. When I did he was very cold and monosyllabic on the phone. I decided to take the plunge and ask him if he still wanted to be with me. Eventually he admitted that he wasn’t sure, that he felt we were stuck in a rut (which was complete news to me) and that he was annoyed by the comment I made on Thursday about not having sex that night and waiting til Thursday (bear in mind, I have never said anything like that before and the decrease in sexual activity was really because we hadn’t seen much of each other) I was shocked and upset. I asked him if he still found me attractive. He said yes. I asked why he had said he loved me a week before and he said he still did and that I was the kindest person he knew which I felt was quite patronising. I told him I had been under a lot of stress about work and my living situation and he said he hadn’t been aware of that. It was hard for both of us to talk because other people were near so he suggested that we meet face to face to chat. In the meantime, he said we should speak on the phone the next afternoon when we could talk more freely. Deep down I think he just wanted to get me off the phone because I was quite tearful and I know men hate that. When I hung up I sent a text just giving my full reasons for being stressed and clarifying that it was nothing to do with him and apologising. He didn’t reply. The next day I called in the afternoon and he didn’t answer. That was a week ago and I haven’t heard from him since. I have no intention of getting in touch as I have some pride but am very upset about the whole thing. I do love him and I can’t understand what happened as everything had appeared to have been fine. He was texting normally on the Friday before all this happened. He was tagged in a photo on FB at a bar and even though he’s not with a girl in the photo, it really upset me. He looks so happy and content. I’m at a loss as to what to do as this came out of the blue. Is it really over? I just can’t understand why he suggested calling and meeting up if he had no intention of doing so. I feel that the whole relationship was a lie. Can I expect to ever hear from him again?
Scarlett
October 26, 2016 at 5:06 pm
Yes, I am going to try the no contact rule and I’m confident I will stick to it…however I did this the last time and after approx a month, I was the one who contacted him. In that case though, I initiated the split and felt more confident contacting him after the 30 day period. This time, it was he who pushed the split and then refused to answer my call even though he said we should talk. I’m worried that after the 30 days of no contact, he won’t have contacted me and I will just be too proud to contact him. I guess what I’m saying is should I accept that it’s over now to avoid further heartbreak? He’s very proud too and while I believed he loved me (deep down I think he still does) I just don’t think he’ll reach out. We actually haven’t had many arguments, at least not serious ones so I just don’t know why he has done this as everything seemed ok.
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 28, 2016 at 4:17 pm
It’s your decision if you want to move on now, but as long as you have improved or at least starting to during the no contact period, then it’s ok to initiate after 30 days.. As long as he thinks you’re just being friendly
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 26, 2016 at 9:40 am
Hi Scarlett,
it looks like that wasnt your first argument.. so he judt got tired and said whag he said out of emotion.. do you want to try doing the no contact rule?
suzie
October 24, 2016 at 2:19 am
Hi, i need help.
My boyfriend of 1 year & 4 months broke up with me yesterday. We’re in our early 20’s . He said he loves being with me and is happy when hes with me, but when we’re not together he doesn’t see a future with me. The breakup came as a shock to me as we were seemingly very happy that morning. During the breakup he cried and he told me hes never cried like that before. Im still in contact with him because id like him to realize the mistake hes made. Hes saying stuff to me like “i wish you were here but i know i need my space” and he doesn’t know what he wants. I know he loves me, im scared to attempt the no contact method because i feel like right now is a really fragile time and if i ignore him now it will be really over . Any advice would help. Thank you
suzie
November 4, 2016 at 2:42 pm
Update again, so we decided to take a break. And weve seen eachother during the weekend cause we missed eachother, and weve still been texting and stuff. Lastnight we talked and he said he doesnt feel like this is a break and now he wants to change the rules. One of our rules was that we wouldnt involve other people. So no talking to other people or anything physical. Now hes saying he wants a real break. So we wont be talking for the next 2 weeks and we’ve free to do what we want. Im not sure what to do because i don’t know if i want ro be with someone who would go hook up with someone else like that. But i also feel like if he comes back after that it’ll be better cause he would have realized that im what he wants. That might not make sense. Please help
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 6, 2016 at 11:54 am
Suzie,
I think you need to start the count for 30 days no contact now because it just looks like you’re slowly helping him move on by agreeing on his terms..
suzie
October 25, 2016 at 9:34 pm
We’re going to work on eachother, like our issues . Be more motivated, better ourselves. Give eachother a break to miss eachother and get that feeling back. We’ve established a plan and boundaries and an end date for this. Im hoping this will be good for is. He seemed very on the fence about the breakup
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 26, 2016 at 11:44 pm
ok that’s goo very good.. I agree on that plan
suzie
October 25, 2016 at 11:10 am
Update: i went with my gut and continued to talk to him, because I could tell he wasnt 100% sure of his decision. We decided to have a break instead of a break up, so we could work on things
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 25, 2016 at 6:43 pm
Hi Suzie,
what’s your plan during the break?
Pocket
October 23, 2016 at 4:49 pm
Heyya
i broke up with my boyfriend because i felt he doesnt care for me and doesnt love me …. but he does love me a lot and care also .. i told him i want to get back to him .. but he said no he doesn’t want to because after schooling we won’t be able to meet so he said there is no use of being in relationship …. what should i do .. he doesnt want me back .. but i want him back ……
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 25, 2016 at 12:26 pm
Hi Pocket,
because you’re both going to college? When did you break up? Do you want to try the advice above?
C
October 23, 2016 at 11:33 am
I had been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost 2 years, i was SO happy with him and he was the same with me. We broke up almost a month ago now and im so lost. I loved and cared for him uncontrollably and im mad for him, he felt the same way about me. We broke up because i was feeling very insecure about myself one week and got quite depressed because i felt as if my friends and people around me didnt care about me yet i decided to talk to no one about it. This resulted in my feeling insecure and depressed and me not wanting to see anyone. Me and my boyfriend hadnt had alot of bonding, quality time together during that week and about a week before that. A couple of my friends had recently broke up with there boyfriends and they seemed so happy about it so i thought maybe this is the solution. I was so wrong. One evening i asked him if maybe we should try being apart and testing if this makes us happier. He agreed and i wasnt bothered by the decision for around 2 weeks after. I didnt think id lose him for some strange reason, i thought he’d always be there.
After the break up we were talking to each other the same as if we were still together, but i hadnt had time to talk to him so i wasnt as talkitive as i usually was. 2 weeks had gone by and i wanted to see him, so i asked if he could pick me up and drop me home, he agreed and i saw he had spoken to a girl on his phone, im madly inlove with him and this was someone he had told me he didnt like, he esured me she was asking him a question and nothing else was said. But i was still so angry because i felt so scared he was going to go off with another girl that i got very angry with him. I was angry with myself because i didnt want to be apart anymore but i didnt think he cared. In result of this i called him bad names and wasnt very nice to him saying he was a bad boyfriend etc. I had made him cry but my intention was only to make him angry that he wouldnt stop messaging me because i was starting to feel he was distancing himself. I understand now that this was the wrong thing to do. He said he cared about me still and i still thought he was ‘the one’ (i still do). I then did the crazy thing ex’s do when they panic and i phoned and texted him consantly, begging for him to meet me. He finally met me for 15 minutes and i told him how i love him and i care about him, which he then replied with ‘but i dont love you or care about you anymore’ (this was about 2 days after saying he cared), so this is something i didnt believe. I continued to annoy him and he threatened to block me on social media, block my number and cut me out his life completely. But he did not do this even when i carried on which makes me wonder wether he does still care. Hes a very emotional, dramatic person so wont take what i say lightly, my words hurt him, i understand that. So i begged to meet him again, which he did (he said it was forced and didnt want to see me but if he didnt care he wouldnt of come in my opinion) and i begged for his love, i begged for him back and to start thinking about another chance for me. We cuddled and he was treating me as if he still loved me yet he was saying he doesnt. He then took me home and i continued to spam his phone and friends. I told him i wont give up on him, i love him uncontrollably and the amonunt of love i felt that came from him was additive, i dont believe he has lost all his love for me. I then begged for him to meet me again (not as much as last time) which he denied but before the day was over i had been thinking and decided to respect what he wants and give him time. He went on holiday yesterday, giving him time away from his friends (which hes spending ALOT of time with now) and time for him to think. 2 days ago I apologized for all the things i’d said and how i acted and told him that i will give him room and time and how much i love and care for him, i told him that i wont give up on him and that im waiting for him, i asked him to look back on all our photos, videos, memories and love while hes there and he agreed that he’ll keep thinking about us. He was texting me very bluntly before i told him i was giving him time but as soon as i said it, he seemed to go back to when we were together, he told me he does need that time away and that what i was doing for him, respecting hes wishes, meant everything to him. I miss him SO much and hes all i want. I was not a believer of God but he has got me praying every night before i sleep for him to come back to me, in the hope that if this happens, i will become more faithful to believing. I’ve spent days crying over the phone to him and to my friends who i now know do care for me. Im completely lost without him, i love him and miss him SO much and theres no one else i want. Our relationship was very loyal, loving and happy, we did argue but just as much as normal couples do. I have just started the No Contact Period 2 days ago but i made the mistake of telling him that i was doing so. I did this before reading these articles. I decided to read up on how to get him back because i refuse to believe that he has moved on in the space of 2 weeks. Im finding the No Contact Period very hard because i havent gone one day without talking to him since the very first word he said to me when we met. But im keeping it up and in respect for what he wants, he said he needs the time to get his head striaght. He told me he will message me when he is ready but im so fearful that i will never recieve this message im waiting on. Im very doubtful that he will miss me during the No Contact Period. After all that, what im trying to say is i have thought about what i want and i want him, i didnt realise what i had to this extent until i lost it. Nothing extemely bad happened for the relationship to end, it was just my emotions because i decided to coop it up instead of talking to him. I regret it so much.
Anyway my questions are:
Do you think he has lost all feelings after 2 weeks?
Do you think he will miss me during the No Contact Period?
Do you think theres any hope for me getting him back or is it a lost cause?
How can i fix it if he doesnt miss me?
Is he hiding his feelings or am i in denial?
How can i make him want me back?
Is he more angry/hurt with me than anything? Is that the reason hes acting like this?
C
October 23, 2016 at 12:17 pm
I’ll also add, there was this one male friend i had and my boyfriend was never keen on the idea of me talking to him, he seemed to get a bit jealous over this one person in particular. I had recently seen this friend and he asked me how i was after having a conversation recently with him about how upset i was and i just started crying so that lead onto some conversations with this friend about how i can get my boyfriend back and how im feeling at the moment. When my boyfriend (ex now) saw i had had a conversation with this friend, he suddenly got his jealous tone and the way he acts when hes jealous, yet he says he doesnt care and that hes not jealous. Does he actually care? or have i generally lost him?
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 25, 2016 at 9:02 am
Hi C,
how old are you both? Just give him time, he might be confused and doesnt trust your decision right now because you’ve suddenly broke up with him before.. Do 30 day no contact rule..dont just stop talking to him.. Improve yourself and be more independent..Be active in activities that will help you grow
Dee
October 22, 2016 at 11:58 pm
My ex and I have been broken up a little over 2 weeks. He wouldn’t answer my calls or texts for a week. I sent him a closure text last week and he responded a few days later (this week). I didn’t respond to his initial text (NC rule). He sent me another text 2 days later. I found it ironic that he sent another text after seeing that I didn’t respond to his initial text. He told me that he still loved me despite the way things ended and he wished me the best as well. I was hoping that he wanted to work things out but he was merely trying to give the relationship closure and move on. Part of me is still holding on to hope but the other part of me knows I need to move on with my life even though it’s hard. He told me he didn’t feel I appreciated the things he did for me which isn’t true but that’s how he feels. I really wish we could work it out but I also know I have my own issues I need to deal with because we did fight a lot and that is never good. Not to mention it was a long distance relationship. I know that people break up and make up all of the time but I plan on starting the NC rule again for 30 days. I need this time to focus on me and he can focus on himself. Doesn’t mean we will get back together (long distance or over 3 years is really hard) but the 30 days allows for me to dig deep and know myself better. I know at some point he will find someone else and I have to accept that. But it’s hard.
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 24, 2016 at 7:26 pm
Hi Dee,
at least you’re very open minded..that helps a lot because you wont act needy
Bella
October 22, 2016 at 3:29 pm
Hello, I need some guidance.
My boyfriend of a year and a half broke up with me 3 days ago. We had a wonderful relationship up until two Tuesdays ago. 2 weeks prior I had spent the weekend with him (he’s 3.5hrs away for work) and everything was normal. Even on Tuesday morning I woke up to the same ‘good morning text’ and we talked throughout the day as normal. On Wednesday, I didn’t hear from him but it wasn’t unusual because he gets busy and he’s done that before. But then he completely ghosted for a week. Usually I give him space for 3 or 4 days before contacting him if he doesn’t initiate contact first. So after the 3rd day I asked if he needed space and to just tell me and I’d respect that. He said he did. The next day I started thinking and I got pissed because he’s 3.5hrs away and I only see him twice a month anyway and it’s not like I was constantly blowing up his phone so why does he need space? I told him I was driving to where he was and we were going to sit down and talk and work out whatever. Now he’s a big avoider. He avoids any conflict that he thinks is going to bring on an emotional response that’s not anger. He’s always told me how his mom never taught him how to be emotional, even though with me he always was, but to everyone else he was a stone that only turned into a person when he was angry.
Anyways, I drive to his house and everything’s normal, hugs, kisses, I love you’s, normal. After his brother leaves for work and we’re alone we sat down and talked for two hours, I even wrote a letter and read it to him. He said that he thinks we should break up because he needs time to focus on himself and figure out how to be a man. He’s 27 years old and I think he’s going through a crisis because of where his life is career and financial wise. He kept saying it was nothing that I did and there was nothing wrong with the relationship and he loved me so much, but he felt as if he needed time to do things by himself without the pressure of our relationship feeling as if he would be neglecting me while he works on him. He had tears in his eyes the whole time. He said this was hurting him and he loved me and didn’t want to do this. He kept repeating that this wasn’t permanent, that it wasn’t the end of our relationship forever, but it’s the end for right now. And he just kept saying it and saying it, all with tears in his eyes.
I didn’t yell, I didn’t scream, I held in tears. I told him I respected his decision and I was proud and happy he had come to the conclusion himself. That I loved him. He kept saying everything was going to stay the same. We would still call and text and any problem I have to just call him and vice versa. And how this was only the end for right now (again) and we would get back together in the future when he figured himself out. When I left he hugged me really tight for almost a good 10mins and we laughed about memories and everything and we kissed and said I love you’s, like everything was normal. I was numb on the drive home and I broke when I got home. His brother called me in the early hours and said that my boyfriend (ex) had just lost it and was lashing out at everyone and then he just broke down, which he’s never done in front of them. I was worried, still am, but I knew if I called him in that state he would’ve ignored it and it would’ve pushed him away. Yesterday I started NC, but I called his brother to check on him because obviously he’s really going through something. His brother said he was fine today and went to work as usual.
We’ve been through a lot and I really don’t see this as a complete end to our relationship, I just think he’s going through a lot with work and stress and “learning how to be an adult” that he just broke. I can’t do the full no contact where I just ignore him. He’s going through too much right now and I know he didn’t want the breakup and he’s so confused. I can do a mini NC and not initiate any texts or calls and wait for him to do so but keep our conversations short. Today is day 2 and it’s hard waiting for him to contact me but I know I have to and I know he will at some point. If he doesn’t, I’m going to wait 3 weeks before testing the waters, and if he does I’m still going to wait 3 weeks before I start initiating contact.
I’m hurting so bad, but I haven’t put my life on hold. I don’t know how long he’ll be like this and I can’t help but have hope that I can get him back. I love him too much and I know he loves me too. Is this a good plan???
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 23, 2016 at 6:08 pm
hi Bella,
it’s not the usual step but if he really needa someone right now, I agree with your plan.. the only thing I want to add, is that you be busy with your own life..improve yourself.. don’t just wait
Sharon Teo
October 22, 2016 at 9:32 am
Hi,
Me and my boyfriend had a long history. We broke up 2 years ago but in these 2 years was on off contact and is always him who contact me first. Finally we patch up but it ended in 1 month. We had serious quarrels which got out of hand. After the fight I just let the relationship end cos I was angry too. At the back of my mind I thought he will come back again. After 2 months of no contact, I found out that he has a new girlfriend. I text him and as friends we had a catch up session. But the session was so good that I didn’t manage to be cool anymore. I told him all my feelings and even say I want him back. That I will wait etc etc. After reading your article I feel that I’ve done a big mistake by being emotional and letting him know i just want him back. I wish to know did I ruin all chances for him to break up with the girl and choose me instead? Is there any ways that I can make this situation better? What can I do now to reverse it? He says he is ok to be friends but I don’t want to be friends. I don’t know if I should cut off contact now or be a friend. Which one will increase my chances? Also since I’ve tell him I still love him I think he might feel I’m waiting around and might think I have motive for asking him to hang out. Please advise what I should do from here!! Thanks!!
Cheers,
Sharon
Sharon Teo
October 26, 2016 at 7:01 am
Thanks for the advise on my previous post.
This weekend him and his new girlfriend is going to attend his sister wedding overseas and they will have a one day staycation too.
Should I message him anything? Since he knows that I know about this event. Like help me tell your sis congrats?
It really is a pain to think of them on a trip. We only just have our staycation in August and now it will be another girl in his arms.
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 23, 2016 at 12:12 pm
hi Sharon,
I think it would better to start no contact.. tell him you realized it was wrong and you’re moving on now and when you’re ready to be friends again, you’ll reconnect.. and then do at least 45 days..and then improve yourself and continue doing that even after nc
Alex
October 21, 2016 at 8:23 pm
Hi Chris,
First of all. Congrats on this website..it helped me a lot. In the last 2 weeks i read many of your articles.
My boyfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago. We still lived togheter and now i moved away. We were togheter for 2 year but in the past 6 months we fought a lot. We both have strong personalities. In the first year of our relationship we were so in love. He told me i was the one and i geniunley thaught he was the one. We moved in togheter in 2 weeks and it was like we knew eachother our whole lives. After 6 months we started to disagree on things and we started to get into small arguments. But nothing big.
On our second year he started getting distant and he kept telling me he needs quiet and silence and he felt that i was stressing him out. And i know i did. I became clingy and needy because i did not understand what was happening. 6 months ago he told ne that he loves me but he s not in love with me anymore. We broke up briefly but we continued living togheter. In the meantime he got a job and he felt that i wasn’t supporting him _ i felt betrayed because we also started a bussines togheter..). All in all we started fighting even more often…almost daily. He said that he can do that anymore and he is not happy and does not have feelings for me anymore. We got into a huge fight
Now after two weeks he says that he cares about me but he is not even thinking about a relationship with me. He says he is happy without me but wants to remain best friends.
I know that deep down he still loves me, i still love him and i still feel he is the one. Do i have any chance? What should i do? Now that we are not living togheter anymore..should i try the no contact rule? Would it help me? Or his mind is set and i need to move on.
Thank you very much and have a great day!
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 23, 2016 at 11:05 am
Hi Alex,
There’s no guarantee that it will work.. It can only help increase your chances, so yeah, you can try it..
Amanda
October 21, 2016 at 4:47 pm
Hi all, I was hoping to get some advice on how to get my back. He had broken up with me after 9 months. We were engaged and shared an apartment together. We had a fight about money, I had made the mistake of lying to him about money and the fact that I can get pregnant, when I actually cant have kids. We share an apartment together and I came home the next day (he had said that he wanted the night alone to think) and all his things were gone. He moved back home with his parents. I’ve tried the no contact rule for a week and failed. I know he’s hurt, I know that this is his human response to what happened but at the same time I saw how happy we were together. I was loyal and showed a lot of interest in him, this past month though I wasn’t honest. He said that he cant see a relationship without trust. I broke his, but is there a way to get it back? I don’t expect what we had before, I know that’s over, but can I start something new with him and have him begin to trust me again? Is lying a deal breaker for men, I made a huge mistake in lying to him, what do I do?
Amanda
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 23, 2016 at 10:46 am
Hi Amanda,
That can be a major lie depending on him.. give him space..let him think..check this one too:
How To Make An Ex Boyfriend Trust You Again
Lexi
October 21, 2016 at 4:36 pm
Hi,
So my boyfriend just broke up with me on Sunday and I texted him about exchanging stuff but then I found this page a couple days later and started a no contact so far I feel so much better I do have one question though when I asked her if he wanted his stuff back he said “you can just throw them out, I have too many clothes already lol” what does that mean? He never uses commas in text like that. Also should I still be friends with him on social media?
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 21, 2016 at 8:49 pm
Hi Lexi,
dont put too much meaning into it..It just means he doesnt need what he left in your place.. and yes, you have to stay friends and be active in posting in social media..
What next?
October 21, 2016 at 6:34 am
Hi Amor,
My boyfriend and I broke up around the beginning of September and I successfully completed the no-contact period. I have been successful as well in starting communication again with him via text message, receiving generally positive or neutral responses. We met up for the first time yesterday and caught up with each other and kept the conversation fairly simple (we are both students so it was fairly superficial, mostly about school, friends…) I should also mention we were together for 5 years and what I got from the break-up was the reason he broke up with me was because he doesn’t feel that we want the same things. Anyway, the meet up went fine and I attempted to arrange another meet-up time, but he brushed it off since he is very busy. How should I approach the situation next? How do I go about texting again? How do I go about arranging another meet-up?
Thanks.
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 21, 2016 at 2:55 pm
Hi,
build rapport again first through texting.. be more natural in texting, have natural conversations
Jennifer
October 21, 2016 at 1:27 am
Okk guys he just texted me “hey how r u” during the NC rule.
What do I do?!?!
Jennifer
October 22, 2016 at 1:27 pm
When does my NC rule start?
Because the first time he broke up with me was over text (october 8 2016), but 3 days later I told him to tell me in face( october 11 2016)and we met.
By the way, it’s really hard for me because everything in my life is going down.Some days are good, some days are bad. Ive been so low that I has suicidal thoughts…
Im wondering why he would of text, I feel like hes doing fine on his own and not me.
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 23, 2016 at 4:50 pm
Start the count from the first day you stopped contacting him you need to do either 30 or 45 days.. Check the link below so you’ll have an idea on what to do during nc.
EBR 060: “Dating Yourself” During No Contact With Veronica Grant
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 22, 2016 at 11:18 am
right now, we closed the email contact page because it’s not manageable to maintain hundred of emails..more likely it’ll take time before you get answered.. That’s good that he texted you.. dont answer because you’re in nc..