Can I Get My Boyfriend Back If I Give Him Space?

691 thoughts on “Will He Come Back If I Give Him Space”

Jo

November 10, 2019 at 10:41 am

Hi, me and my partner have been together for five years. Around six weeks ago he left me an told me that the relationship was putting to much stress on him. He said he still loved me and he thinks we just need time so he can sort himself out, and yes I went on and on for weeks. But then last week he blocked me on everything. No way of contacting him, nothing except one social media platform, he said it was over and he was done, and then he ignored me after that. What will I do. I don’t want to loose him but I’m scared he won’t come back. He still has all our photos up on social media. I’m doing no contact I have been for a week. What is going to happen.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

November 10, 2019 at 9:44 pm

Hey Jo, there is no way to tell you what is going to happen but you can give yourself the best chance of getting your ex back by following the process and doing the work needed to alter your life where needed.

Nicki

November 4, 2019 at 10:50 pm

Hi,

My relationship has been rough the past few weeks. I’ve been letting my paranoia and emotions cause me to pick a lot of unreasonable fights and to get upset at my boyfriend even though he hasn’t done anything wrong. This has been especially bad this past week.

Yesterday (Sunday of this past week) we got into an argument because he was upset about booking a weekend trip for us on the wrong dates. He called me to tell me what he did and was very upset. He hung up soon after saying he didn’t want to talk right now because he was upset about the situation and he hung up. I called him back several times telling him he was being rude for hanging up on me when I was trying to help him figure out the situation. He told me if I called him one more time he would break up with me, and I replied “it sounds like you want to break up already” and he said “Ok we’re done” and hung up. I didn’t call him back for several hours afterwards, but I didn’t think that we were actually broken up when I finally reached out to him. He said he would call me back later. When he did, he said that he was serious about the break up and that he didn’t want to do this anymore. The relationship wasn’t going where he wanted and he said that me not giving him space that morning was what tipped over a ton of build up from how I was getting mad at him for no reason over the course of that week. I asked for another chance and offered to change my actions since it had only been that one week that it was especially bad. He said no and said he will not reconsider and we ended the phone call there.

I am now at a loss of what to do. I knew I had been pushing his buttons, but he had been so patient that I didn’t think this would happen and I genuinely feel bad for how I treated him in the recent times. I didn’t really apologize during that talk, so I was wondering if I should reach out after 2-3 days of giving him space just to genuinely apologize for my actions, NOT ask for him back/ask for another chance. What do you advise me to do? I want him to reconsider, I think he made this decision because of the fight over the phone, and usually when he does say something like that out of anger he comes back and reconciles within 24 hours but it’s been more than a day now and I feel like this might be more permanent. Please help.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

November 9, 2019 at 7:27 pm

Hey Nicki so you need to do a proper No Contact where you do not reach out to your ex for 30 days and you do not reply to him either. Literally do not speak to him for a solid month. In that time you need to be doing some work on yourself esteem and confidence, look up some posts about being the Ungettable girl and what you need to do, to cultivate this lifestyle. Make a list of things that you know need to be changed for the better in your life, things that do not revolve around him. Spend time with friends, focus on you and how you’re going to show the world that you are the best version of yourself

Ronna

October 26, 2019 at 6:03 am

My boyfriend and i have been in a relationship for 4 years and we have an age gap of 7yrs ..so yess we have a lot of fights but above all i love him so much ..more than anything ..i guess that was my problem ..i accepted all his rude behaviour during fights and never left him ..and accepted his apology always ..but suddenly he blames me for his behaviour and says he wont talk with me for 6 months …he just said “if u want me then dont talk to me for 6 months so that we both can become into better person ” …i was begging him when he conveyed this in phone but he is so stubborn in his decision …i called him again after 2days ..he spoke so rudely and told me ill talk to u only after 6 months ……im broken devastated ..he is happy on the other side enjoying his life ….. I dont know how to handle this ..its been 2 days of no contact but its really hard ..can u pls suggest me what else i can do to have him back ???..im losing myself ..pls help me

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

October 27, 2019 at 8:42 pm

Hey Ronna so begging him and gnatting him is not going to work. You need to give him what he wants – a break up. 30 days of NC and work on yourself to be the best version of yourself in every area of your life. He will notice that you’ve left him alone after some time

Ann

October 23, 2019 at 10:24 pm

Me and my boyfriend have known each other for a little over 2 years now. The first year was hard, a lot of drama, rumors, people getting in between us, it was an on and off thing. When we finally decided to be exclusive nothing really changed but we started to get to know each other more and spent more time together. After 6 months, he decided to make it official. He is 25 and this is his first relationship ever. I’m 23, and my previous relationship was very toxic. So toxic that it made me very insecure and untrustworthy. I kept throwing tantrums, fighting for no reason, always doubting him. He always forgave me and took me back right away only because I promised I would change. I guess I never realized how big of a problem it was and how much I was pushing him away, so I didn’t stop. This last time, he got really upset and told me he was done but the next day I tried apologizing and asked him to give me one last chance and he said okay. He became really distant and our conversations were really short he also said he didn’t think it was a good idea to see each other yet since he was so upset. The first week he did make it clear that he didn’t want to break up he just needed time to get over what happened. But after him telling his family and all his friends what I did he became even more distant and even said he doesn’t know what he wants anymore and that he needs space. I became very anxious and I haven’t given him the space he asked for. I’ve been questioning him a lot, pressuring him to tell me what will happen, and even arguing. Last night it got out of hand where I didn’t stop calling and insisting and he told me to stop being desperate that now he feels like not even seeing me anymore to talk.. I know I messed up and I shouldn’t had done that because now I feel like I annoyed him and finished pushing him away. I know he loves me and I love him a lot too. I believe I can change and we can save this relationship, but is it too late to give him the space he asked for?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

October 24, 2019 at 9:55 pm

Ann you need to give him the space or you’re going to end up being the mentally abusive one. He is conflicted because of your behavior and you do really need to change ASAP if you need to seek professional help do to this, then go. Your actions are not going to be rectified over night and thats a mistake a lot of people make when youre panicking and calling your ex blowing up his phone… hes NOT going to change his mind youre just pushing him to reinforce his decisions. Let him breathe and in that time – go speak to someone about how to control emotions or even do some research on emotional control.

michelle

October 23, 2019 at 5:32 pm

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 months. Everything was great, we’ve met each other’s families/children, we even talked about marriage one day. Then he started acting distant and I became agitated. Once I became agitated, he told me he’s dealing with all kinds of pressure, mostly financial, that I had no idea about and he said it’s over. Once he revealed what he’s going through, I explained to him that I understand and wanted to support him and love him and help in any way I could. I asked him to not break up with me and he agreed to try to give our relationship a chance, but he needs space. I called him once since this happened and asked “are we in a a relationship”, he said “yes, I will tell you if I feel I can’t do this”. I kept questioning him and he said “you’re not even giving me any space like we talked about”. Since then, I’ve called him again (the next day) and and he told me he was napping and would call me when he woke up. I asked him was he just telling me this to get me off the phone and he said no. That was 2 days ago and hasn’t called me back since. I started the NC rule yesterday, but just am afraid he’s gone for good. He told me once that in relationships once he’s done, he’s done.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

October 24, 2019 at 9:27 pm

Hi Michelle so youre not actually giving him space if you are calling him up daily you need to let him reach out to you – at this point I wouldnt say you are broken up. I would say you need to pull back as you are going 100mph its only been four months and youve done some moves that take some couples close to a year. The fast pace may be the reason he is taking a step back there is an instant pressure when youre introducing families saying I love you and talking about getting married to someone you havent even known romantically for half a year. Hit the breaks slightly and let him take the lead a little more

Anelle Gerber

October 20, 2019 at 11:42 am

My man started a new job 11months ago it was suppose to be a 9 to 5 with occational late nights and some weekends. Turns out 7 days a week average of 15 he days and no off weekends. We were use to being together everyday every weekend. This was a shock to both our systems. To give you a shortend version. He was exhausted 95% of the time. I started leaving him al9be, not sharing all my long stories, making choices on my own and even making excuses for being intimate cause i thought he was to tired and wanted him to rest. I also had a boodjob 11 months ago and he constantly complained im to revealing hiwever everyone around me says that i have never exposed myself inappropriatly ever. So he oacked a bag and left while i was on a business trip. Its been 12 days now. We had a chat he came home that night. Made love to me and left and the next day told me he needs mire time to process everything we spoke about. I explained how i misunderstood his tiredness and made bad calls by assuming space would do him good. He saw it as me getting attention else where and not being interessted in him anymore. He walked out to find himself again and get himself out of the funk he is/ was in. He says love has never been the problem he loves me but the trust has been broken. I have been crying, nagging, texting, phoning. Now that i know what i have to do to make him feel supported and loved he does not want to come back and says he needs more time to thinkband heal himself. Pls help me

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

October 20, 2019 at 10:50 pm

Hey Anelle so with your situation I would suggest a No Contact where you are not nagging begging pleading etc, but you do not date while youre in NC stay away from other guys so he can see you want him. If he chooses that he doesn’t want to get back together then you need to start the being there method essentially so that you can get him back showing the type of woman you are

Rajeswari

October 20, 2019 at 10:43 am

Hi…actually i scolded my boyfriend badly and said i have no feelings in anger …and took out money matter …so now he is asking for a break up ..where i dont it to happen what should i do now to get him back.? Whole week I kept apologizing but he says single life is best …what should i do to get him back?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

October 20, 2019 at 10:33 pm

Rajeswari, you need to complete a full NC and work on yourself and then reach out after your NC is complete with a friendly interesting (to your ex) type text

Samy

October 19, 2019 at 10:53 pm

So me and my bf of 9 years…live in 2 cities with 1 Hour distance by car, im not sure if i can call it long distance! But we don’t see each other often so yeah!
Since he cheated on me last year, and I confronted him and broke up with him for just a few days he begged for me back and I accepted but under tons of conditions.. plus a became full of doubt and couldn’t trust him at all like i once did, so since that happened a year ago I would overwhelm him with the questions and not a single day would go by without me starting up a fight out of doubt or jealousy or remembering my heartbreak that i cant let go of! Or wven demanding love and attention and blaming him for me feeling lonely..So tonight he just couldn’t stand it no more and asked for space (And he clearly stated its not a break up and doesn’t want to break up) ! I decided to drive up to his town Because I thought space still meant a break up!! And I decided to break up face to face! Then again he got frustrated and told me im doing it wrong and its not meant to be a breakup! And we could still talk and chat but lightly without any obligation or expectations…
now th thing is : im confused! He told me its ok to gnat him and he doesn’t mind it although he said its supposed to be a no contact period!! But he’s allowing me to contact him???
Uh?? Should i not? Should i cut contact? Im so confused

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

October 20, 2019 at 8:26 am

Hi Samy, so what you’re doing is gnatting him negatively where you’re pressuring him to reassure you daily and you’re wanting more attention than hes wanting or willing to give you. You’re clearly struggling with the fact he cheated on you and you’re not over it that’s clear. So you need to take this time apart for you to consider can you forgive him for what has happened and move past it because you can NOT have a relationship where you do this to him daily. Its going to push him away for good. My advise is to really take the time to think about your relationship, the mental struggles you are going through right now trying to deal with the hurt. If you can’t get over whats happened you may have to walk away <3

Sophie

October 10, 2019 at 8:43 am

Hey , I and my boyfriend having been having little altercations here and there for a while now , we are in a long distance relationship and I really love , after a big fight he once asked for space , I panicked and didn’t give him that space now it’s like everything has gone worse and I really want to fix this , how do I do it , he doesn’t he is valued or important to me

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

October 11, 2019 at 7:52 pm

Hi Sophie, so you need to tell him how he is important to you and how you are sorry for the argument recently but you are going to try to be better at communicating your feelings. You need to look at your situation and consider if it is worth the fallout. Being honest, but not accusing with your words is the best bet. As usually people go on the defensive quickly in relationships when something has upset their partner

Jennifer Lopez

September 17, 2019 at 11:18 pm

I’m glad I read this! My boyfriend of over a year broke up with me after a fight I caused. I of course begged, and cried. The following day met up to get my shirt, and did the same thing. I asked if he loved me and he said he was angry and needed space, and that he didn’t love me. I finally said okay I’ll let him be, and went in for a kiss and he kissed me a few pecks and held me, and said he would need a few days and let me know. I’m giving him the space. It’s the hardest thing I’ve had to do, but I’m doing it. I’m hoping for the best!
Sandy

September 15, 2019 at 5:50 pm

Hi I’m so glad I found this article.

So I had a week off work due to stress, a number of things contributed to my stress (single mum of 2 boys, work full time with kids, have my own business, debts, problems with moving house and a relationship that isn’t where I want it to be) which peaked after falling out with my best friend and then with the bf the day after. (Back story, he has a very busy schedule which has caused us to only see each other once a week for about a year- Iv held on because the big job he has on ends in 2 weeks and I was giving it until then to see if his efforts changed- this in turn has caused me a lot of turmoil over the past few years as Iv always questioned why he hasn’t made even a little bit of time for us and we have argued multiple times about it) anyway after our argument last Friday in which his stress levels peaked too and he yelled at me, he made a fair bit more effort than usual and we spent Saturday night together and chilled in bed most the day (not done that in 2 years) then I saw him Monday and Tuesday (not forgetting I was off with stress) but then Wednesday, Thursday he pulled back and although we had a small few word convo by text both days, because my heads been in a bad place I was agitated at him. Friday comes and he asked me what I’m upto for the day, I assumed he wanted to see me, he then called me at 9 and said Iv got 1 thing to do and he will call me (I didn’t go to the gym or to yoga as I was supposed to as I didn’t want to be mid yoga and him call back) only it got to 12 and he hadn’t called and by this point I was really agitated so I called a few times which he ignored and then I asked him why he hadn’t called and he said he was with his mum (his mum lives with him due to her ill health but she seems to have him wrapped around her finger) I just said it’s a shame because me and him could have had a really nice day together to which he replied “what instead of spending it with my mother” so I replied and just simply said that Iv really needed him this week, Iv needed him to be there for me to lean on but the past 3 days he hasn’t been and because my heads not right(super emotional over everything) I can’t handle it. He proceeded to call me (now enroute to work) and shout at me about how I’m not the only one that’s stressed, I said I’m just fed up because I’m not included in his life to which he responded.. what life, I don’t have a life until this jobs done and no matter whether I spend no time or some time with you, you arnt happy so I just don’t see the point, I need to get this job done and when we didn’t talk (end of July we didn’t talk for 2 weeks- similar reasons) he was much more relaxed as he had one less thing to juggle. I said that’s fine then, I’ll give you a wide berth for a few weeks………. I regret this now. I feel like I was too demanding of him but I wasn’t aware he was stressed that much because he hadn’t told me and I still feel hurt that he chose to not see me Friday just gone.

Iv been so close to messaging him and asking if we can talk but I also wonder if space will do us some good but right now I feel just as stressed as before I went off work (back in tomorrow) I just want a hug, like I have done since Wednesday and I’m really confused.

My mum and friends think I need to just block him because he hasn’t made any time for me over the last 2 years and he has really brought my mood down, they don’t understand why I’m so hooked (neither am I if I’m honest) but he keeps giving me enough hope each week to keep me there.

Help please

Sandy

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

September 17, 2019 at 8:56 am

Hi Sandy, I think completing a full No Contact first, and working on yourself to be the best version of you. You’ll find that your self confidence and self worth will increase and then you and look at your past relationship and how you feel about the way you’re being treated. IF you decide you still want him look at the texting articles to help you get back to talking with your ex. Sometimes they need time away from us to appreciate us too.

As for not understanding why you’re hooked. Being in a relationship we become comfortable with patterns and familiarity, so when they breakup happens we have a withdrawal from our ex and the feelings we had from the relationship, even if it was toxic

Aleah Howes

September 15, 2019 at 4:38 am

So I dated a guy for almost a year and he cheated. He ended up staying with the last girl he cheated on me with but I knew it was never going to last. About 8 months later he hits me up wanting to come clean and be honest with me. We’ve been good friends since but recently we were talking about getting back together. I can genuinely say that I’m going to marry this guy. There’s no other way to put it. The only problem is, everything has been going great and then all of a sudden, he says he has to think about everything and might want to start over with someone new. Told me he loves me and it has nothing to do with us but it hurts none the less. We both haven’t been talking to anyone else. Closed relationship without the title rn. I don’t understand. If you love someone why would you want to be with someone else? we aren’t dating but it was starting to get to that point. So I did message him and told him how I felt and he totally ignored me. So I’m trying to not message him but it hurts. So much. Any advice would be great.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

September 15, 2019 at 1:55 pm

Hey Aleah, so whats going on here he has a grass is greener situation. He isn’t valuing you enough. Complete a NC and work on yourself, at this moment in time he think he can find and get better than what you can offer him. This is hurtful to hear I know. But you need to be the “Ungettable Girl” to get a man like this commit to you.

Susan

August 30, 2019 at 8:36 pm

Hi, everyone me & my boyfriend were high school sweethearts. I ended up divorcing my husband & started dating my boyfriend. We were head over heels for each other and 3 months later we moved in together. We both have kids. My family never accepted him and he didn’t accept my family. 4 years later he told me to move out, but he still loves me. I moved in with my parents. I am 40 years old and am devastated. We were still on speaking terms, until I started moving my stuff out, and he told me one of my family members stole his change jar. He said it was all my fault, because I allowed them in the house. Prior to me moving out I had been really ill & still am. I wasn’t able to pay my half of the bills. I allowed him to use my credit cards, and he racked up over $23,000 on them & said he would pay me back. Well now he won’t even sign the letter stating he owes me, until his change jar is found. I am literally sick to my stomach. We got in a hugh fight, and he hasn’t spoken to me in 2 days. I haven’t texted him or called him at all. I did not want to move. He said the reason he wanted me out was my family & my kids. When I did move he was texting me more & hanging out with me until this situation escalated. Before I even moved he was loving on me & acted like he didn’t want me to go. I am just so confused on if you love somebody why would you do this? Why would you want them out so bad? Yes we were arguing about money. We have had tougher times than this and made it through. I wish he would just say come home I miss you.
C

August 27, 2019 at 9:45 pm

Hi EBR Team,
I was going out with a guy for about 2 weeks, before which we talked everyday twice a day for a month for hours on the phone. We met online and just clicked. We had the most amazing first few dates. Nearly 2 weeks in, we had a hiccup after which he said he was feeling distant and things may not be working out as hoped. I said to take time if he needed. No reply. 2 days later I asked outright if he needed time. No reply. I got upset and let my insecurities gnat him slightly. In my mind, if he’d just asked for space, it would have been easier. I later apologised for the gnatting ( which was apx 1 msg per day for about 5-7 days). The only sign I’ve gotten is he tried to call last wednesday. I msged him twice since letting him know I wasn’t angry and he could chat to me if he wanted. It’s been 4-5 days since. I originally thought I was being ghosted.
Any thoughts on how to proceed? I’m thinking if he contacts it’s ok to answer and not do outright NC? I may have spooked him too much, but is it ok to expect a man to communicate when they need space? Should I just assume it?
Any insights would be appreciated!
Thanks!
C
Hannah Curnutt

August 25, 2019 at 8:35 pm

WOW! Thank you so much!! I truly needed this for answers! My boyfriend and I have dated for 9 months when he told me we should go on a break (WE. WERE. ON. A. BREAK.) abd I was ok with that. It was justifiable with his request and I was ok. But it hard to still talk while we were technically not BF/GF anymore. I asked him a week after our break I told him I needed a no contact for a while. We both still love each other and want to be with each other, and we have talked about marriage a lot! But this article really helped me see that this is ok for me to do, before we hurt each other in the future. I’m giving it a week before I break the no contact and hopefully we come back stronger than before. We will come back to talk about our break in 2 weeks (it will be a month). During this time I’m working on myself…talking time for my friends, my emotional well being, and not being afraid to have fun! I am on a social hiatus for 2 weeks now (I go on every now and then to check on my friends/ events) and that has been helping. This article helped me understand that taking a break and having a no contact rule is OK! I think this will make us stronger in the end! Thank you thank you thank you!
Maggie

August 23, 2019 at 3:30 pm

I have been in a relationship with him for just over 2 years and he has had commitment issues due to his ex as he didn’t want her to know he is seeing someone in case she kept the kids from him. He was adamant they aren’t even friends and that they rarely text etc. On our first holiday together recently he was on his phone constantly and something just said, check it, so I did… I found flirty texts which someone in a relationship shouldn’t be sending his ex. I confronted him 3 days later and he said he was angry, I had no right to look at his phone and he needs space and doesn’t want to discuss it. It has been 4 days and I am in agony, I feel sick and all I want is to beg him to stay…
I have stuck to the space he’s asked for but it’s killing me not knowing if he’ll stay or leave. Was he messaging her because he wants her back or was it innocent like he said? I don’t know what to do 🙁
Kelly

August 17, 2019 at 4:59 am

I have been seeing a guy for about 4 months and everything has been perfect. We get along great, his friends love me and we always have fun together. We were never the type to text 24/7 or hang out all the time. We had a good together and alone balance that worked well for both of us. He hates his job and I know has been stressed about that. He also has never been in a serious relationship (we’re both almost 30). He started kind of withdrawing about a month ago and when I finally confronted him that we needed to talk our talk ended up in him telling me he knew he wasn’t giving me what I deserve, his heart isn’t in it right now, he wants me to be happy, thanked me for understanding about him needing space and that he would figure things out soon. And that’s how it ended. I started the NCR that night and it has been about a week and a half of no contact. I have felt so sure that he was going to reach out and have recently fell into a depression and am constantly anxious about the fact that he hasn’t. I am trying to keep busy and go out with friends but I am just sad about the situation. I don’t know if I should just totally give up on it or not or believe him that he said he would figure things out soon.
Rhonda

August 9, 2019 at 11:45 am

I was dating a great guy for about a month, texting almost every day and having a great time on every one of our dates. We had a fantastic conversations in person and by text. He started to pull away after one of the dates, and when I reached out to him by text after 5 days, he responded that he wasn’t ready to move further with our ‘relationship’.
He’s separated from his wife since just over a year and they were a couple for over 10 years. I thought maybe he has unresolved feelings and I know that they are still speaking and spending time with one another.
I suggested we be friends and keep in touch, which he agreed to.
Two weeks later, he texted me to see if I wanted to meet up the following week. When we saw each other, our dynamic was just like before, and seemed just as flirtatious, not platonic. During that evening, he even reiterated that he is no longer with his wife. We texted back and forth for a few days immediately after, then abruptly silence from him. I tried reaching out after a few days by text, to which he responded warmly, but it didn’t go anywhere.
I haven’t heard from him for two weeks after the last text conversation, but he randomly liked one of my social media posts last week. He has never said ‘I need space’ but that was how I have interpreted his initial statement that he wasn’t ready to move forward with the relationship.
I’m not sure if it’s better to reach out by text or phone to just see how he is doing and let him know that I am there – since we are supposed to be friends, or to just play it cool.
Olivia

July 22, 2019 at 1:08 am

So my boyfriend and I dated for 3.5 years. I met him on a cruise with my family and we clicked almost instantly. After time with family, we would both end up ditching them to hang out. We’d talk until 4 or 5 in the morning, just enjoying each others company. It was incredible. We were long distance (3 hours) for 2.5 years and then 7 hours for the last year as I had to move for my education. As I was getting ready to move last year, i was considering breaking it off because of lack of progression. Then, he brought up moving in together. He traveled to look for apartments and even seemed excited as we talked about the things we would need to purchase. Through the course of the last year, we’ve had more disagreements and I know it was weighing on him. I also know he’s not happy with where he’s at in his life, especially cause I have mine together (I’m a second year med student after years of working to get there). A couple days after I moved in (he was supposed to move a month later to give him time to work and signed the lease), he told me he had been debating for the last month if he should actually move because of 2 things: his entire life is back home and our disagreements. After a few weeks of great communication and interaction via phone, he broke up with me. He said he needed to figure out what he wants. He continued to tell me he loved me as he was also saying that he wasnt sure he couldn’t live without me. He was so conflicting and I really dont know what to believe. I asked him for a break instead and he said that implies that hes actually coming back. This man was my life and I’m still so devastated. We’ve been done a week and I did text him briefly once because I was drunk. To my surprise, he did respond, but I’m not confident that he’ll come back at all. How can I compete with his friends, family, and comfort back home? No one saw this coming. Not me, his parents, sisters, or friends. I’ve blocked his accounts on social media (he was shocked) and I intend not to reach out. How does the no contact work if he’s 7.5 hours away? Im worried he wont miss me and it’ll push him further away. I’m just baffled and heartbroken. I wish I knew why he needed space. Advice?
Ananda

July 15, 2019 at 8:03 am

So there’s this guy that I’ve been friends with for a couple of years. He was in a long term relationship, over 10 years, and I’ve been married for 12.

He admitted to me before Christmas last year that he was struggling with depression, with some friends and his relationship, then he lost his job after Christmas. Due to mutual friendships and interests we started to spend a lot more time together, messaging and seeing each other pretty much every day.

Took until March for us to realise we both wanted more. Neither of us had been happy in our long term relationships for a good while, so we did the right thing by our respective partners so that we could be together.
It was a stressful time, he’d started his new job the month before, and he got kicked out of home, we started looking for somewhere for us to live, and I was in and out of hospital. Despite all that, and both of our mental health challenges which the other was aware of, we were both so committed, and everything just felt so right, so perfect. So many people commented on how happy we were together, how it just seemed right, and we noticed too.

After me being in hospital for a week and having major surgery, and me being a little upset that he hadn’t come to visit the day I got out, we had a bit of a disagreement by text and I kept on nagging him about it whilst he was at work overnight. He came around the following day and told me he didn’t think it would work out, over the course of the next couple of days I was given about 7 different reasons/excuses, none of which we couldn’t have dealt with if he’d just spoken to me.

We’d only properly been together for a month. It’s now been 2.5 months since we split, and I’m still devastated. We didn’t speak or see each other for the best part of 3 weeks, then I bumped into him, we had a catch up and agreed we wanted to stay friends (even though I wanted him back) and stay civil for the sake of our mutual friends. He hasn’t once instigated contact in this time, I’ve tried to keep things light if we have bumped into each other, he’s OK to my face but then will ignore me by message, bar two occasions. Then we had a bit of a spat four weeks ago when out with friends when it became apparent that an emotionally manipulative friend, who we’d managed to distance from him previously, got her claws back in to him even stronger than before. He’s now in a worse position mentally than he was before.

I’ve now heard rumours he’s considering going back to his ex, who he has nothing in common with, and she has dictated that there will be rules to him going back, no late nights out, and no speaking to me.

We saw each other yesterday for the first time since the spat last month. I’d finally gone NC for 4 weeks. The manipulative friend wasn’t around, we were with a big group of friends, he instigated a couple of conversations with me, and things felt comfortable for the first time in since the end of April.

Despite everything I still love him. So much. A friend of ours has told me he feels guilty for how he’s handled things and treated me, but he won’t instigate any communication or a conversation one to one. Where do I go from here!?

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