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62 thoughts on “Why Exes Come Back After You Move On”

  1. Avatar

    olga

    January 10, 2019 at 1:44 pm

    Dear Coach Good Day,
    Two and a half months I cheated on my girlfriend (same sex relationship) and we broke up really baddly.
    At first she said she never wanted to see me again, then after me making the first move we echanged some sms and had some long lasting phonecalls. We also met twice.
    She is the person who never posts anything on facebook or other social media but now posts in public on fb and also posts on instagram where before our break up her uploads were zero.
    Despite the fact that she has blocked me on social media she knows that i am able to see her posts.
    Her words are that she loves me but doesn’t want to be with me, but her actions are a little bit confusing.
    Could you please give me an advise??

    Thank you in advance,
    Olga

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      January 11, 2019 at 12:41 am

      Hi Olga!

      Good day to you! I know cheating can really turn relationships upside down. But those deep wounds can be healed with the right approach and plan. I remember answering you in my support email!

  2. Avatar

    Jennifer

    January 6, 2019 at 4:44 am

    Hey Chris,

    My ex bf broke up with me last week and he just deleted all of our photos from instagram and started following girls (models and people we both know). Does that mean I should stop fighting for him? I am doing NC

    Thanks

  3. Avatar

    Jennifer

    January 5, 2019 at 10:32 pm

    Hey chris,
    My ex bf who broke up with me started following girls who we both know on Instagram, does this mean he is not interested in me anymore?
    Thanks in advance

  4. Avatar

    Savannah

    December 30, 2018 at 3:39 pm

    Hey! I love your blog and was wondering if you could give me some guidance on my current situation. My boyfriend of almost 2 years broke up with me a little over a month ago. We are both seniors in high school this year so as high school is coming to a close, I could tell my ex was becoming more and more confused about where his life was going. He was about to enlist in the army, and still is planning to I believe, but I was prepared to at least attempt to stick with him and do long distance while I stay in my hometown for college. Long story short, we were doing great (or at least I thought so) and hadn’t argued in months when all of a sudden he went to Florida, we hadn’t seen each other in like 4-5 days, and he broke up with me over the phone. I’ve been using this last month to improve myself, both physically and emotionally, but I still miss him and think about him very often. I hadn’t talked to him in weeks until I texted him saying I hoped he felt better upon hearing he had the flu on christmas and while I just expected him to respond with thank you, he went on to say he thought about me while at the mall (somewhere we used to go) a few days back. This struck me by surprise as it didn’t appear to me like he cared due to previous conversations we had. After that message though, as the conversation went further, he started sending short responses and acting as though he did not wish to speak to me again. He is very hot and cold with the way he acts towards me so it makes me super confused as to if he misses me and will eventually try to come back, or stand his ground and remain single.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      December 30, 2018 at 11:12 pm

      Hi Savannah!

      So glad you enjoy the blog! A lot of guys can be hot and cold for lots of reasons….immaturity….uncertainty…game playing…etc. He probably is not sure of how feelings. Just don’t press too much. If he has interest, he will signal it eventually. Keep doing things to raise your self up!

  5. Avatar

    Lily

    December 28, 2018 at 4:04 am

    Hi Chris

    I love your website and content!

    my boyfriend (28 years old) and I (27) broke up about 7 weeks ago. We both live in Australia, but he is back home to apply for his new visa. We did long distance for about 2,5 weeks before he called me after I couldn’t get a hold of him for 3 days, and said he didn’t know if he wanted to be in a relationship, if he loved me or when he was coming back to Australia. We talked for about an hour where he cried obsessively and was almost hyperventilating. I was completely calm and said that if he doesn’t know anything at this moment and if he feels the relationship weights him down then we should break up. He said he still really cared about me and misses me but didn’t want to drag me along. I have been in NC ever since, but I sent him a clean slate message basically just saying I wish him the best cause I only want him to be happy. He has not read the message so a bit unsure what that means.

    Since the breakup I have just focused on myself and ways to improve. I was very needy in the relationship towards the end so I have therefore really worked on this, as well as reconnected with my dad I hadnt spoken to for about 18 years. I have worked out, gotten a new haircur and color, graduated university, started my own business and gone on some dates, and made some new friends. I have made sure to post pictures on facebook of my new very happy life. have really enjoyed this period of self-focus.

    He has told mutual friends of us he still really cares about me, and “still love me in his own way” (not sure what that means), and but that it just didn’t feel right in his heart, he has told several of our friends this. We have a lot of mutual friends so I make an effort to be very happy and not speak about my ex around them as I know words travel fast.

    We were together for almost 9 months. The beginning of the relationship was absolutely amazing, we connected on so many levels. He unfortunately really struggled with his job and had a big debt problem which he really tried to work on, but it really brought him down. He got into a depression, and towards the end of the relationship he began drinking a lot and began acting out in a way neither me nor his friends had seen before. I urged him to go back home to see close friends and family so hopefully he will get back on his feet.

    We havnt spoken since, but he checks every single story I post on facebook, no liking or anything like that, just sees my stories. If I post 5 stories he will check through them all.

    I am really unsure how to move forward, or even whats going on in his head. Thank you for any reply 🙂

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      December 29, 2018 at 4:43 am

      Hi Lily!

      Glad you are soaking it all up! She should be proud of yourself for how you have focused on being a better “you”. It seems that you ex needs time to put things right in his life so that he will be ready when you choose to reach out to him. And if and when you do, follow the game plan I describe in my comprehensive eBook, EBR PRO and elsewhere on my website!

  6. Avatar

    Laura

    December 17, 2018 at 5:46 pm

    Hi Chris and all,
    Thank you for your help, your website has been a great source of information and advice to me. I’ve split up with my on again/off again ex of 4 years. I have always used NC successfully, longest time 6 weeks. This time I broke it after 3 weeks, drunk texting, followed by sex. I feel really bad after it and knew it was a huge mistake. I asked for clarification of where we are, I was told we would be mad to get back together. Of course if feels different this time like he has someone else to move on to and he’s not worried about me.
    My point is the Uncertainty Principle I don’t think will work as I’ve used NC so often. Also with the Reactance Concept would that involve the use of social media?
    We talked that night we met about the breakup so the Zeigarnik Effect is gone.
    The on again/off again situation has really affected me. During NC working on myself, internally and externally but always at the back of my mind that I could use it to get him back.
    Really at this stage I think I should just focus on myself and move on.
    Any thoughts?
    Thank you,
    Laura.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      December 17, 2018 at 10:43 pm

      Hi Laura…that is wise that you recognize the healing potential embedded in the NC principle.

  7. Avatar

    Pilar Covington

    December 16, 2018 at 6:02 am

    I wasn’t good at following the zeigarnik effect largely in part because I didn’t stubble upon this article sooner. This makes me very anxious and worried that NC won’t work because I tried to dig for closure right after I broke up with my ex. We argued about it and that basically closed the door. I wish I had started NC right after I said we needed space. That would have kept the door open and he would be stuck wondering why I wasn’t following up. Will NC still work ?????

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      December 16, 2018 at 4:27 pm

      Hi i Pilar…I think so. If you need more help, pick up my eBook, “The No Contact Rule Book” or “Pro” to help you along.

  8. Avatar

    Michelle

    December 13, 2018 at 11:06 am

    Hi Chris everything you’re saying in your reform recovery plan makes sense except it doesn’t address any issues about domestic violence my boyfriend and I were together for two months almost three months and during the first two months he was amazing he pulled me and my daughter who is 3 years old out of a homeless situation and I was in a domestic violence situation before I met him so he knew the situation and pulled me 50 miles away from the city I was homeless and then brought me to the mountains. It was a very hasty decision I made considering I have a three-year-old but I took a chance because my situation got to the point where I was jumping from motel to motel and then sleeping on the street and I did not think that I could do this to my three-year-old anymore without putting her at risk for danger so I took the chance and I moved all my things 50 miles from where I stayed before and this man was amazing the first two months because of my jealousy and insecurity about another woman who I’m not sure if he cheated with or not he claims he did not and had no interest in her, it caused a lot of problems I continue to accuse him and he became more aggressive as I accused him more frequently about the other woman. A few days ago we had the same argument over the other woman and he came into the room and shove my face into the dresser holding onto my Harris are as he could and shaking me telling me to shut up I was able to push him off me whereby he pulled a shotgun that was encased and not loaded I don’t believe it was anyhow and the shells and the other hand and told me that if I don’t shut up he would shoot me the police were called and he was taken into custody this was an isolated incident of domestic violence violence Pro priors does he did not do anything to me but make me happy so happy and facts that I felt like I was it was too good to be true he took my daughter and I off the streets he provided everything that we needed and he literally went to the store to get me medicine even if I had a paper cut he was extremely attentive to me respectful never use bad language suddenly after my accusations and after stewing for 3 days and anger it was like he was a different person he does smoke marijuana on a daily basis but I don’t think that particular substance makes people aggressive I noticed there was a change in his demeanor the for 3 days prior or 3 days following the verbal altercation which led to the physical assault. He has since left the house I am stuck here with my three-year-old probably going to get evicted soon I have nowhere to go and I am homeless with my daughter once again I’m going through the situation once again a situation I was trying to trying to run away from which was a domestic violence initially. I don’t know if it’s too early to say that I fell in love with this guy after the second month it seems too early but he literally he and I were literally a team it was more than sexual attraction we have such a strong connection emotionally and as friends. We spoke about everything in our mind seemed to be Instinct he would always help me with my child whatever she needed and whatever I needed he would work so hard and any money that he made it was extra work you would give it to me and my daughter for diapers he would cause we buy our toys he would constantly do things to help me we literally were a team I miss him so much but I know that the right thing to do was to call the police to protect myself and my daughter again prior to this there were no incidences of violence this took me completely by surprise he was such an amazing person before this we got along so great we talked about everything and have excellent communication and now this happened and he won’t say a word to me I miss him why am I the one texting him when he’s the one that hurt me and put me and my daughter at risk. What do you recommend I do? He has since moved some things out of the house and left me behind at his house but I know probably getting served an eviction as I was a tenant and I wasn’t here that long

  9. Avatar

    Serena

    December 11, 2018 at 1:26 pm

    Hey Chris,

    I broke up with my ex in February which is a long time ago I suppose. We spoke on and off for ages and he messed me about wanted to be my friend didn’t, said so many mean things to me and then eventually he stopped talking to me. We spoke about a month ago and I tried finally to be his friend and he told me he had no desire and he didn’t want anything to do with me and that he didn’t need me as a friend. I was obviously hurt by this but I accepted it and felt guilty that I’d been really pushy for months and he literally said ‘don’t talk to me again and I mean it’. Well on Sunday I was with the new guy I am seeing and who pops up on my phone but him. He said ‘phone me ASAP’ and I couldn’t obviously and then when I did reply I said you have blocked my number if you unblock it I will to which he did and I tried to phone him later. No answer as he was sleeping. I woke up in the morning and he had read my message with no reply and I said what was it you wanted and he said. I was drunk and needed someone to talk to on the train home. I was absolutely spitting angry! What does this mean?! I don’t get why he’d try after he literally said to never contact him again. He ignored my message I sent after that and we haven’t spoken since. Should I just continue to move on the way I have been? It’s just very strange he could have phoned anyone but he phoned me. Definitely set me back!

  10. Avatar

    maurice

    December 11, 2018 at 1:13 am

    Hi Chris,
    my ex broke up with me more than a month ago via WhatsApp. We were together for almost 2 years, we met when he first came to study in Germany (I came here 4 years earlier to do my bachelor, we are from the same country). When he broke up with me he’s in our home country doing his master research (he still is until the point I’m writing this comment), we already had problems before his departure, mostly because of my jealousy and insecurity. I was hurt because he seemed to be hugely affected by the news of his ex getting married few months ago, and even though he already told me that it didn’t bother him anymore, it’s still bothering my mind. Anyway, our communication got worse days after he arrived in our home country. He said that he was busy with his research and I could understand that, but I think someone can’t be busy 24/7 right? So I nagged and nagged to the point that he couldn’t take anymore and he ignored me for more than a week. After that he wrote me just to break up with me and telling me that this relationship doesn’t work out. After I replied he just blocked me on WhatsApp. 2 weeks after that he unblocked me on everything and visited my LinkedIn profile. But then a week after that, there was a miscommunication between us (in which a friend of him was involved) and he wrote me that I should focus on my life and let him go, and he blocked me again on WhatsApp until now. I wrote him an email with some nasty words (telling him he’s a coward and some worse stuff) and he didn’t respond. That happened almost 3 weeks ago. Now I don’t know if he’s still angry at me or not (I’m still blocked and he apparently deactivates his FB and Instagram). What should I do? I really, really still love him.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      December 11, 2018 at 3:06 am

      Hi Maurice….so it sounds like things have gotten messy. You might want to consider a different approach. Employing no contact can provide many benefits. Go visit my home page and you will find a lot of resources that can help you in this endeavor.

  11. Avatar

    Jane

    December 9, 2018 at 10:09 am

    Hello Chris, wondering if renunciation is needed after a break up? I just posted back literally everything back to my ex (LDR). But wondering what’s ur opinion on renunciation. Cheers!

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      December 10, 2018 at 12:58 am

      Not sure what you mean by renunciation. I am more of a fan of NC in a lot of situations

  12. Avatar

    Marie

    December 9, 2018 at 4:55 am

    We have been in a long term relationship for four years, but I have broken up with him 10 days ago coz I got upset over his behavior of not replying and communicating with me properly, usually span of 8 hours! But I saw in his FB account that he was liking a woman’s post on the very day we were together!! He has hurt me so much, and we have been in an on and off relationship for a year. I’m so tired of being the one adjusting to his time when in fact I’m the busiest person in our relationship. We have age gap of 16 years, and I’m the mature one. Started NC 10 days and counting from the day I broke up with him thru text!

  13. Avatar

    Melissa

    December 8, 2018 at 9:12 pm

    My ex and I dont follow each other on social media anymore but he still looks at my Instagram and watches my stories. This started about 2 weeks into me doing no contact. Should I hide my stories from him so he can’t see, or make my account private, or block him entirely? Im worried he won’t miss me as much or won’t feel like he’s missing out on my life and what/how I’m doing if he can check so easily.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      December 9, 2018 at 2:16 am

      HI Melissa! I usually recommend in my Program to keep the social media lines of communication open and leverage them to your advantage.

  14. Avatar

    Anonymous

    December 7, 2018 at 9:33 pm

    My ex and I have been in an on and off relationship for almost three years. I did no contact for 38 days, followed the text guidelines, and he’s been nice but not super responsive. He never starts the conversation. Finally I sent him a voice
    Memo (how we use to communicate) asking if he would want to catch up some time and he said he would think about it and that I sounded really good. Then he said that it is never just catching up with us because we still have feelings for each other and that makes it hard. His words. I’m wondering if I should respond and say I understand and just wanted to let him know that I’m moving in a few weeks and was hoping to catch up before I go or if I should just go no contact again. I do want him back but I’m also moving forward with my career plans I had before him that I’ve put on hold other times we were apart. The reason we broke up is because I had trust issues and pushed him away multiple times. I know he still loves me but he also doesn’t think that I can trust him. I realized what I’ve done and I told him calmly how wrong I had been viewing him and how surprised I was that he didn’t believe me. I know he just doesn’t want to waste anymore time because he doesn’t believe me that I do trust his feeling for me. I’ve said that in the past and then was still paranoid but truly this time I mean it. What’s my best move ?

  15. Avatar

    Rachel

    December 7, 2018 at 8:02 pm

    Me and my boyfriend had been falling out over stupid things and I felt that I wanted to sort out myself because I was getting annoyed over silly things and at him quite a lot, so I asked for a few days break. In his head, a break means a break up so he was convinced I actually just wanted to break up. So eventually he just ended it with me. At first he was saying he wasn’t sure if he wanted to break up and he ‘couldn’t decide’ and at that point I was angry and didn’t respond very well. He then decided he wanted to end it because he felt like I gave up on him and that he couldn’t trust me anymore because if we got back together then I would just do the exact same thing again. He just refused to believe that I had no intentions of officially ending it. It’s been 3 weeks and we’ve spoke occasionally (me always initiating contact) where i would ask him questions and we would have a chat but he was adamant that it would just never work again because there was a loss of trust. Recently he said to me that eventually he will probably forgive me but he’s not sure if we’ll ever meet up again. I do keep making the mistake of messaging him asking him questions but I’ve never begged or acted desperate. I know that he still cares and has feelings and he won’t move on very quickly but right now I’m not getting anywhere. I’ve decided i’m going to try my hardest to just leave him alone and move on but I do still want to get back together with him. Overall we were happy together and he said he was happy before this happened. It was just this one situation that ended our relationship. Do you think he’ll ever come round and be willing to give me a chance?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      December 8, 2018 at 3:40 am

      So long as you have a rock solid and sensible ex recovery plan, I think your chances are improved.

  16. Avatar

    Anonymous

    December 6, 2018 at 6:50 am

    My NC ends today but I haven’t heard from my ex ever since I started the last time we spoke I told him that I didn’t want to get back together but I meant unless he changed, you see I feel like I constantly had to wait for him to grow in this relationship and I felt like it was time for me to stop wasting time waiting on him. He broke up with me because he couldn’t say that he loved me after being together for a year. Should I proceed to send him a text or try moving on without moving on method because he may need more time to change. I honestly don’t know what to do other than be UG does this mean that I should just move on with my life because he never is going to be able to love me?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      December 6, 2018 at 11:30 pm

      Hi there A!

      Sometimes they don’t reach out. That is why in my Program I call for you to initiate First Contact, but only in a certain way. Do you my 485 page flagship product EBR Pro? It walks you thru the whole process. So does the Texting Bible eBook

  17. Avatar

    Dale Em

    December 6, 2018 at 6:34 am

    I’m finding it hard to balance how to move on while still wanting my ex back. My ex and I weren’t together for very long- less than 3 months, so I did NC for 2 weeks and then he reached out. We talked for a little, made plans to meet but they fell through. Now he’s pulling away again. I’m thinking of doing NC again and it’s just heartbreaking because I felt like we were reconnecting. And I keep overthinking everything and coming up with why things could be the way they are. I’ve gone on dates with other guys, and keeping myself busy, doing new activities, but I just cannot stop thinking about him and watching your videos! It’s like my attempts at moving on are driven by my desire to get him back. I know that isn’t correct, but I am so torn. I had never felt this way about anyone before, ever! I don’t know if it’s meant to be, but I would like to hope and try.

  18. Avatar

    Wendy Robinson

    December 5, 2018 at 11:42 pm

    My goodness. It worked it’s all actually really working. I did no contact. I became UG. I reached out first after NC. I followed all the rules. Now he’s texting like crazy. Telling me he loves me. Wow. Thanks so much!

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      December 6, 2018 at 3:03 am

      Great job Wendy.

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