Today, we will explore the ancient art of why men always seem to come back when you ignore them.
This is actually something that we’ve noticed upon interviewing our success stories – people who’ve come through our program and successfully gotten their exes back.
We found that typically after they “got over their exes,” their exes seemingly wanted them back.
We went through many years of trying to understand why this phenomenon occurred.
Sure, we took some wrong turns and assumptions along the way, but now we finally have conclusive answers for why ignoring a man works to make them want to come back.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizWhy Would Ignoring An Ex Make Them Want To Come Back To You?
You can’t talk about ignoring an ex without first talking about the concept of a no contact rule.
A no contact rule is a period of time where you ignore your ex on purpose. The intent of this tactic should never be used to make an ex miss you, but rather should be used to outgrow your ex. That way, by the time you end up reaching out to them, they’re already intrigued and interested in talking to you.
It’s kind of counter-intuitive, though, right?
The no contact rule psychologically taps into something called “The Theory of Reactance.”
Understanding The Theory of Reactance
The most obvious lowest hanging fruit is the psychology theory of reactance:
Reactance: We are all born with or have inherent behavioral freedoms, but when one of those freedoms becomes threatened, or someone takes it away, we react in a way to try to get that freedom back.
So oftentimes, the simple fact that you are ignoring your ex taps into the psychological concept of reactance, but that really doesn’t explain the full story.
Frequently we find that most exes who have a no contact rule done to them are actually not going to reach out to you, so what’s going on here?
The Dynamic Between Avoidants and Anxious Attachment Styles
We know from interviewing many clients and watching their exes that most of our clients tend to have an anxious attachment style.
They’re the ones who will blow their ex’s phone up after a breakup and do obsessive things like begging for their ex back or showing up on their ex’s door.
Interestingly people with anxious attachment styles are usually attracted to those with avoidant attachment styles, despite the obvious disconnect. Avoidants run from emotional intimacy, while anxious people are the most emotionally vulnerable lot out there. Understanding how avoidants operate will give us key insights into why men come back after being ignored.
The first thing you need to understand is that avoidant types tend to romanticize past lovers or idealize yet-to-be-found future lovers, as both concepts keep true vulnerability at a safe distance.
People have a big misconception about avoidant attachment styles: they don’t ever want any type of intimacy or long-term relationship. In fact, if you were to actually interview an avoidant, you would find it’s the exact opposite.
They want nothing more than for that to happen.
However, their desire for companionship is often overshadowed by their fear of losing independence if someone gets too close.
So what do they do? They simply push that person away, yet that doesn’t mean they won’t miss that person.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizIn fact, the mere act of pushing someone away, with enough time passing, causes the avoidant to miss them more or romanticize and have these extreme bouts of nostalgic reverie. Why is this?
It’s safer for avoidants to admire from afar than it is to admire from up close. So when you’re using any type of no contact tactic, or you’re ignoring your ex, you’re actually giving them that natural space they need to begin to miss you and see you in a more favorable light. The goal is to reach out to them while they’re seeing you in this more favorable light, so they want to come back to you.
Tips To Make Your Ex Come Back After You Ignore Them
Now that you have a basic understanding of why ignoring your ex can help make them want to come back to you, let’s talk about some actionable tips to improve the odds of your ex coming back when you ignore them.
Here are my two best tips for making them come back after you ignore them.
- Don’t just ignore your ex show them you’re moving on
- Outgrow your ex and shift your priorities
Allow me to expand.
Tip #1: It’s Not Enough to Just Ignore Your Ex; You Need to Show Them You’re Moving On
I started ex-boyfriend recovery in 2012, and immediately when we first started dissecting what works to win exes back, we stumbled across the no contact rule. The no contact rule was still a relatively unknown concept back then, and you couldn’t find much about it online as you can now.
Today it’s probably the most popular and most recommended post-breakup strategy in this space. So 10 years ago, when people talked about the no contact rule, they didn’t look past it more than the reactance concept of manipulating your exes to make them miss you.
However, as the years progressed, we’ve found that’s not the right intent for no contact.
We found what matters the most during the no contact rule is that you have this mindset shift internally – you get over your ex and outgrow them. Then when you’re in that secure space and you begin to talk to your ex, you’ll find the results are a lot different. This actually makes perfect sense when you consider avoidant psychology.
Here’s what we know about avoidants from countless examples:
Avoidants typically will not allow themselves to miss you immediately after a breakup. It’s not until they feel safe that they’re going to miss you.
The only way they actually feel safe is if they feel like there’s no chance of ever getting you back. This can be done if they actually see you moving on. This is why we actually advise our clients to do things during the no contact rule to indicate to your ex that you’re moving on.
This could be anything from going on dates or doing fun things without your ex to show them that you’re not hung up on them anymore.
Tip #2: Outgrow Your Ex and Shift Your Priorities – Magnum Opus Concept
Most people reading this probably have anxious tendencies, so they obsess over getting their ex back and neglect every other aspect of their lives. Their whole identity is wrapped up in this relationship, and their world will not become normal until they fix this one problem.
Yet the irony is that the only way to potentially fix this problem is to move on from your ex and find a way to shift your priorities so they are not your first priority. This is often times where you’ll hear me talk about the magnum opus concept. Now, what is a magnum opus?
A magnum opus is basically your life’s work and what you want to be remembered for when you die.
Here are some examples of a magnum opus:
- Queen (the band) – Bohemian Rhapsody
- Stephen King – The dark tower series
- George R.R Martin – Game of Thrones
- J.R.R. Tolkien – Lord of the Rings
- Tom Brady – 6 super bowls he won
- Michael Jordan – Never lost an NBA Finals matchup
- Steve Jobs – the iPhone
- Mark Zuckerberg – Facebook
These are all examples of these people’s life’s work.
Each of these people focused so intensely on their craft that they achieved greatness. Now you don’t need to be the next world-renowned genius, but you should have a larger life purpose to work towards.
You need to divert all the obsessive thoughts you have about your ex and refocus them towards other aspects of your life that give your life meaning. The more you focus on other areas of your life, the more your ex will take notice because you’re not obsessed with them anymore, and they’re no longer your top priority.
This is often one of the things that someone with an avoidant attachment needs to see to romanticize their time together with you.
So the million-dollar question is, how do you achieve a magnum opus?
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizThis is more of a question about balancing your time, and it’s something I personally struggle with. I’ve previously talked about the concept of the holy trinity. This concept details that the most important aspects of your life can be divided into three categories: health, wealth, and relationships.
The ultimate goal is to equally balance your day, so you’re spending efficient time on all three categories: therefore, you’re not wasting time sulking over your ex. However, the longer I’ve been on this earth, the more I realize that there may be a hidden category that we’re not talking about.
I still agree that the holy trinity concept is important when you’re looking at time management aspects, but what’s missed is this magnum opus concept. I suppose an argument can be made that there’s a fourth category: the magnum opus category- trying to find that one thing that you want to have a legacy for.
I know this may seem off-topic because it’s not a strategy to get your ex back, but this is actually about spending your time correctly during no contact. This concept will help you emerge out of it as a more holistic person, rather than someone who was obsessing over their ex the whole time.
Lately, in my life, I’ve been trying to divide my time into four distinct categories.
- Health: I like to go on runs.
- Wealth: Obviously, I plan and execute ex-recovery content and help people solve relationship issues!
- Relationships: I spend time with my wife and daughter.
- Magnum Opus: I work on writing my book – a novel that is completely different from all the relationship and psychology stuff I work on here. This novel gives me a sense of meaning and purpose because I’ve always wanted to write one.
All this might sound mundane, but I feel incredibly privileged to check all these off every day.
Am I able to give equal time to all four aspects of my life every day? No, but I try my best. Of course, things slip away sometimes.
For example, if I’m trying to solve a huge problem at work, my health might get neglected because I can’t make time to exercise. Same thing with the magnum opus – sometimes I’ll get an idea, and I’ll be so stuck that I don’t want to do anything else except work on that, and then everything else suffers.
I always notice my best days when I feel like I earned a good night’s sleep are always those days when I get very close to balancing each individual category of my life. So my argument for you is these are the type of thoughts you need to be having if you want to try to get your ex back.
It’s not enough just to ignore them anymore; you also have to do something productive with your time to show them that you’re moving on from them.
Conclusion:
Men come back after you ignore them for two main reasons – reactance and the psychology of avoidants.
Reactance basically means that we have some inherent behavioral freedoms, and when they are taken away, we try to get them back.
So if you take away your ex’s right to talk to you by ignoring them, they will want to talk to you more. Your ex likely has an avoidant attachment style, and avoidants don’t let themselves miss you until they feel like you have moved on.
Therefore, your goal should be to institute a no contact rule and use that time to focus on bettering other aspects of your life, so you outgrow your ex and show them you are not obsessing over them anymore.
Ella
March 18, 2022 at 10:27 pm
I had been seeing someone for almost 9 months. The relationship was becoming closer and closer, and he had fallen in love with me. Out of the blue one day, he called and said he was thinking too much about his wife who passed away 7 years ago, and needed time to deal with it, and could not see me. This came out of the blue, no warnings of any kind. Commitment phobia?
Bree
March 14, 2022 at 7:12 am
Hi,
I was dating this guy for one year and i got pregnant and we both agreed to have the termination done at two weeks old .2 days later he acted so wild and left me in the middle of everything and blocked me I tried to reach him through my other account and he denied the pregnancy but I blocked him……will he come back ? And if he does what should I do?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
March 21, 2022 at 10:13 pm
Hi Bree, brutal honesty you deserve much better than this and it sounds as if he is too immature to support you through this.
Bree
March 2, 2022 at 2:35 am
My ex and I had been together for over a year and a half. Covid born relationship. We moved in together rather quickly because it made sense at the time, although I was hesitant. I have a 13 year old daughter he was good to and I know cares about but overstepped a lot. I believe it was a strain. We were eachothers best friends and very attached and co dependent even. Out of no where the last couple months he’s been a little different here and there but overall nothing major. Still cuddled with me and did all the cute loving things he always did. Then one night he got drunk and it all came crashing down. He had a lot of built up resentment I wasn’t even aware of because he never properly communicated with me. It spiraled from there as it triggered my anxious attachment style and all of a sudden my best friend and this loving relationship turned. He just got cold and mean. I tried giving it space. I even left for a week but nothing worked. He’s moving out Friday (I’m at a friends till then). I’m devastated but I’m letting him go without begging and pleading. I’m just so scared I’m going to lose him forever. It’s so hard to believe because I know things weren’t perfect and we had issues but I really thought he loved me and never saw him letting me go, especially like this. I’m a mess and I’m trying to be strong but it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
Sarah
November 17, 2021 at 11:04 am
Do I inform my partner that I am giving the space before going into no-contact rule? I am in a long-distance relationship. He is an avoidant and me, an anxious.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
November 17, 2021 at 10:19 pm
Hi Sarah, no you do not make your ex aware that you are going into a NC
Liz
November 11, 2021 at 7:27 pm
Hi, please help me! I failed at the no contact rule, we were still living together at that time and after I moved out my ex would come visit me and spend lunches with me.
Now we see each other regularly: once or twice a week. We kiss, he looks at me like he is in love, he says how happy I make him. But we barely text. He will spend days replying to me! But when he does reply it’s always so lovely and sweet. I want to get back, I am trying to be patient but what should my next steps be? Ignore him back? Or continue this slow process of meet ups, happy spending time together? He also knows that I date around. He knows I have men flying me across the country for dates, but still… I don’t understand how to approach this.
Tash
November 9, 2021 at 9:13 pm
I was engaged to a guy I had been dating for a year and a half, he was moving in, he was playing step dad to my six year old and he asked if we could start trying for a baby now that we were engaged (he’s religious and his dad is a pastor so babies before marriage was a strict no no for him).. so we were planning a wedding, trying for a baby. And two months later I got pregnant! We were excited, he bought baby clothes and books, we picked out baby names. Then two weeks later he ghosted me and then my friend saw him kissing another girl. When I finally was able to confront him he said he said I didn’t give him enough attention so he couldn’t be wirh me anymore…? I’m on day 10 of no contact, what do I do? Is there anyway we will work this out?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 10, 2022 at 8:11 pm
Hi Tash! I am so sorry this happened to you! That is awful and disgusting behaviour from him. I would HIGHLY suggest that you consider if this is the man you want to be with if he can do this to you while planning a wedding and pregnant? If so then yes there is a way back, but it is 100% NOT YOUR FAULT he cheated on you!
Sarah
August 24, 2021 at 12:31 am
Hi,
I am 39 and dated a man who is also 39 for 5 months. It was amazing and we were both really into it. A few weeks ago he called me and stated that his feelings hadn’t progressed and he was confused. Turns out he went back to his ex who he had an on again off again relationship with. I’m thinking I was the rebound. Do you think he’ll try and contact me when they are off again?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
September 9, 2021 at 9:32 pm
Hi Sarah, it would really depend on the quality and positives he experienced with you during your 5 months, however him going back to his ex it would also need to be taken into account their history and memories too.
princessmaya
August 20, 2021 at 3:22 pm
is there anything I can contact on to get help?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
August 21, 2021 at 5:27 pm
Hey Maya, what sort of help do you want? For coaching you would need to go to products. For advice you can post here.
Hazel
May 30, 2021 at 3:16 pm
I need some help. I was seeing a guy since February 15th, once a week, every week up until last Saturday, May 22. I sincerely thought we had a deep connection otherwise why would he hang out with me every weekend? We would go out for dinner usually, we cooked together twice, we went to afternoon tea once, we walked around Boston once, and then had pizza at home. We went to a wine dinner the last time I saw him and it was such a fantastic time. After that date, I couldn’t hold it in any longer and I said I wicked loved him. He didn’t say anything, I asked if I scared him and he said no, you’re fine. The next day we watched SNL (also something we enjoy together), and then he went home, I said I’ll miss you and he smiled and hugged me goodbye. After that, I was fed-up and said I really enjoyed spending time with him and had strong feelings for him but didn’t want to continue if he didn’t feel the same and waste time. He said He appreciated me sharing my feelings and he understood that he didn’t want to waste my time either. He said he had fun hanging out with me too but wasn’t sure if he was developing feelings in the same way. He then said perhaps it would be best to take a break. I didn’t respond to this. The last two months he has been preparing to move to a new condo he bought, so I know he’s been stressed packing and whatnot, he’s also going away for two weeks and won’t actually be in the area. The next day, in an emotional bout, I sent him a lavender-scented blanket that I was planning to give to him when he got his new condo (he is moving into it in a few weeks). He received it and said thank you and that it was very kind of me. I haven’t talked to him since, no texting at all. I really feel like we had a deep connection. Do you think the no-contact period will work on him? WE are not connected on social media. Do you think he’ll come back? Did I scare him away with the I love you?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
May 31, 2021 at 11:43 pm
Hi Hazel, I think it was the fact you expressed you had feelings for him that made him back off, but he tried to do it in a respectful way as in he was not feeling what you were at this point. If you are to follow the program NC and reach out after 30 days but understand that he was honest with you and that you need to understand it was either too soon FOR HIM. Or that he was not looking for that sort of relationship.
Joe
May 27, 2021 at 10:30 am
I was seeing this girl for 3 an half months, we’d been on 4 dates and on the last one saying she was the happiest she had ever been. When we got talking she’d only just come out of a relationship but the signs were there that she liked me. 3 months in we had a little bicker and then she said she doesn’t know what she actually wants and that she needs to take time and then 5 hours later says that she misses me and doesn’t want to call things off and then for the next 2 week she was quite distant and it got worse like last 5 days, I think from when she ignored me message I told her about it and she didn’t like it and then stating her feelings of why it’s not and then we resumed talking for about 5 days , but the first 3 months were great but that next 2 weeks weren’t ever since she said that she misses me. She apparently hurt her foot and we didn’t see each other in that 2 week and she was asking how many dates we’ve been on and things. She has mental health problems and I picked her up numerous times In the 3 month but in the last 2 week when I said is there a problem just put it down to her mental health saying its probably that so then and sometimes wouldn’t about what I’m doing when I ask her but would initiate conversation and it got less and the how long our responses were as I wasn’t prepared to put effort in if she wasn’t so on the final day I ignored her last message and then 24 hours later she messaged saying hey and that she had been doing some thinking and said that I just think with me not been in a good place I need a bit of a break to try and sort myself out which I said yeah that’s understandable fair enough and that she’s using all her energy at the minute to try and sort herself out and it’s not leaving much left for anything else like its all effort so I said yeah u understand and that I’m not going to wait around and that an she said yeah that’s understandable I wouldn’t expect you too and also she said I don’t want to call things but it’s the only way, I need to try and fix myself and my head and I can’t lead you on while I do that and also that she really needs to take a step back and be a bit selfish. It’s now been nearly 5 weeks and I did message her after 1 month just asking how everything is with her mental health and hope everythings alright which she responded ours later that she is getting help and that all her family now know. After we stopped speaking she was on tinder 12 days later and recently she posted a picture on social media of her food and that she was with someone, I don’t know who it was but it’s possible that it could of been another guy bit nothings certain so I don’t really get the hole situation like it wasn’t like she gave a definite answer as to that’s definitely it as I said to her what do you want to happen after your break and she said she dosent know and that responded with the bit when she said she was using all her energy and so on.
JenJen
May 25, 2021 at 2:44 am
Hi
I’ve been in a relationship for 7 years. For the past year I got trapped in another country due to the pandemic and I couldn’t see my boyfriend. Within this time we fought and argued a lot until he blocked me on everything. I returned home and was in quarantine in which he dropped stuff for me.
I’ve been home for 3 months and he has not made an attempt to see me. So it’s approximately two year now he hasn’t seen me. He says we’re in a relationship but refuse to come check me. He never answers my calls but text. He calls when he wants which is rarely. He said he wants to alone and need time.
It’s been two years I haven’t see him. How can this relationship be fixed. Is no contact still applicable. What should I do. I’ve been trying so hard but I just don’t know.
ReadytoMarry2021
February 16, 2021 at 7:59 pm
Hello,
After 5-6 months, my boyfriend said that he loved me. Since I didnt repeat it back, he broke up with me and said that I didnt appreciate him. I felt that he had some selfish tendencies and had a little lack of experience in dating but I truly do care for him and think that he is excellent marriage material which is where we were heading. He first joked around saying, “Someone doesn’t love me. You only love yourself.” Then he got angry and cold with me. My initial response was that girls usually take longer than guys to say it and that I care for him and that I dont want to be with anyone else. I dont know how to react in this situation, but he broke up with me.
Melinda
December 23, 2020 at 5:39 am
I fell in live with my first love and crush after high school. We never dated in high school but were very good classmates. Years after we reconnected and have always been in touch regardless of the distance. We both were in relationships and when I finally got serious with a boyfriend and would post him – I would get a comment or kissy face. Fast forward I move in with boyfriend- he’s still in a different relationship as well. Things get serious for me, he still reached out here and there to ask how I am doing. He knows I’m a relationship, he respected it and wished me the best. A few months he reaches out again- confuses me when I am going through some things with my current boyfriend& we are back at texting. He always comes back & J am just so confused as to why. He finally admitted he was ready for a relationship and I told him I was engaged. Life is so unpredictable, he never did anything that proved to me he wanted anything after 9 yrs of staying in contact. He admitted he was just thinking of himself and is now ready. Idk to what to even think, difficult for me to push him away bc I’ve known him for years & he was my first.
Milky
December 7, 2020 at 2:32 pm
My ex and I broke up after 8/9 months. He was my best friend and while we both had believed we had a future together, he lost interest in me over the course of quarantine but “wasn’t sure how he felt” so never came forward to end thing and dragged my misery on. He no longer reciprocated the strong feelings I had for him, even though he pursued me first. Knowing I’d be miserable going on while putting all my effort into the relationship and him putting zero and the bare minimum, we agreed to break up, a conversation I initiated. It’s only been a few days. I did call the day after, and he was patient, but I shouldn’t have done that and have not initiated any contact since. We are in the same work setting (which will end in May when I graduate grad school), so we will still be communicating lightly as colleagues on projects we are still on together. I’m not sure how the no contact would work in that case (it’s been civil) and these projects are important to me, but on the personal side I am putting the No Contact 30 days into effect as best I can. As much as I’ve been healthily working on getting over him, I really do wish that he’d come back. My ways of getting over him which have worked so far is Guy Winch’s methods. I have a list handy on my phone of reason why him and our relationship were wrong with me, including every detail of him telling me he didn’t feel anything anymore or that I’d have to “wait for answers” which hurt to hear, just in case I start reminiscing and idealizing my “best friend”. I would be most grateful to your advice.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 14, 2020 at 9:18 pm
Hi Milky the first thing you need to do is go into a No Contact and work on yourself for a while. Read articles about being Ungettable and show your ex that you know your worth and you are not going to wait around for him to decide if he wants to be with you or not.
Rose
November 22, 2020 at 6:17 pm
My ex and I got back together after the 30 day no contact we blocked and deleted each other on everything during the breakup but 3 days later after getting back together he said he wasn’t ready again and he feels that he needs to find the love again. I know he was talking to other people when we were broken up. I also tried talking to other people but I was still thinking about him and comparing them to him. I know I want to have a serious relationship with him but now I don’t know what to do since I told him we can just keep talking and seeing other till he was ready. I had also added him back on everything now I’m worried that I’m going to stay in the friend zone and he won’t realize what I really want because I rushed everything back. We tried talking about it a day ago but it didn’t go anywhere I told him he can think about it but when I texted him the next day casually at the end he didn’t reply back till night saying sorry for not texting you back ! I’m afraid he’s still talking to someone else ! Do I need to let him go again? Do I need to block him from everything again ? Do I need to let him know ?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 15, 2020 at 8:51 pm
Hi Rose, you shouldn’t block him on anything at all if you are going to follow ERP. I would also suggest that you go into a no contact as you asked for a relationship and he said no. He is possibly talking to others which means that he is weighing his options between you and others. I would make sure that you do not block him on social media, read articles about being UG and ignore him for 21 days, then start the texting phase. But please use the information in these articles so that you understand how to follow the program correctly, you are not to ask him to get back with you – you need to get him to ask you by working on yourself and showing you are Ungettable girl.
Dawn
November 10, 2020 at 6:05 pm
My ex and I were in an almost 5 year relationship and lived together. Just came back from an amazing vacation in July and then 3 weeks later, he told me he loved me before he left for work and then came home and said he thought we should seperate. I got no explanation as to why or what went wrong. When I asked the next day, he started staying at a friends house. He blocked me on all Social Media and changed his phone number. He unfriended all of my family. He took a little over a month to move all his things out of the apartment. That was beginning of September. I started hearing that he was telling people I was stalking him and harassing him. I went no contact after he moved out for over 30 days. Then October 21st out of the blue he texts me from his work phone and tells me to call or text him on this number if I wish. I kept it light and talked of our dog and that he had mail and things at apartment. He text me next day to stop and pick up. He came in and talked fine….obviously not about the relationship …just meaningless talk. 3 hours after he left I got a nasty email saying that his friend that helped him move is mad at me for accusing him of wrongdoings? That never happened. Then he texts my brother threatening that I am harassing his daughter and he is going to file charges against me. I told him to never contact me again. Unfortunately he lives in the same neighborhood. The following week i ran into him in a local bar and he said hello. I said hello and kept going. Last week he texts me to tell me that the flag at my apartment fell down and he stopped and got it and will fix at a later date. I reply with a nice thank you and he goes silent. I texted him about prescriptions that are at apartment and he chooses to ignore me and respond days later. My thoughts are that if he wants to ignore me, then I am going no contact again? IS that the right things to do? I feel like he is throwing breadcrumbs at me and that he is confused as to his feelings. He is telling people that he still cries over the relationship.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
November 15, 2020 at 1:12 pm
Hi Dawn, well if you have not stalked him, not given him any reason to say these things about you then he is struggling with the break up himself emotionally, but he is also a drama seeker! I would suggest that you do not reach out to him at all for 45 days and ignore him when he reaches out to you considering he is making threats in regards to harassment and getting the authorities involved!
Ann
October 15, 2020 at 5:05 am
Hi
I’m a single mom and I’ve been dating this guy for 6months. He met my daughter told me he loved me introduced me to his entire family and was going to get down on two knees for me one day. I will admit I put a ton of pressure on him and pushed marriage bc I’m a Christian and felt guilty having sex with him and am under a lot of financial pressure .
He said he felt like he had way too much pressure on him and can’t be who I need him to be right now. He kept breaking down in tears and said he doesn’t want to break up…. and kept asking me what I wanted to do. I said “I want to be with you but if that’s not what you want then that’s okay I’ll be fine” he said it’s not a matter of want. He said he needs to figure things out (he stayed for 3 hours and waited until I finally said “what do you want me to do beg you to stay” and broke down in tears to leave). He left with promising me he would figure “this” out and I haven’t heard from him since (almost a month now).
At what point do I ask for my things back and begin to move on (date other people). Should I contact him to see where his heads out? I don’t want to put more pressure on him than I already have.
I have not contacted him at all and he has refrained from viewing any of my stories on social media but views my best friends almost immediately. I am very confused.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
October 15, 2020 at 5:22 pm
Hi Ann if you want to be with this guy then you need to understand that you need to put the breaks on with the marriage talk! You have known him for 6 months, that is way too soon to be talking about getting married, it is more than likely why he has got cold feet because you should still be getting to know each other at this stage. I would suggest that you go into a no contact for 30 days where you work on yourself and understand that you cannot pressure someone into marrying you, you also need to take some time to think if you want to be with HIM, or not. If the the belongings he has of yours are urgent you can ask for them back, but if it can wait, then follow the No Contact first.
Suz
October 11, 2020 at 9:14 am
I was dating this guy for 3 and a half month – he pursued me from day one and although there was a small bump a month in and I immediately said if that’s the case, “bye”, he didn’t stop pursuing me. Later he’d tell me more about the “small bump” being another person he dated a few months back and still having a bit of a crush but deciding I’m the one. Sent a good morning text every day, spent every day possibly together. Then visiting his home country, my home country (during the pandemic) because he wanted it. Everything was going smooth we started living together a bit and then one day he quit. He wants us to be friends and maybe it’s better if he has his doubts but then again I want him back?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
October 22, 2020 at 9:05 pm
Hi Suz, it sounds as if this guy is thinking about his choices – meaning that you need to go into a No Contact for 30 days (45 if he gets into a relationship) and show him that you are not willing to stand around and wait to be chosen by him. If he freaks at the loss of you and chases you then you know he is interested. Make sure that you stay strong and work on yourself and the Holy Trinity that Chris speaks about in his articles.
Danica
September 11, 2020 at 2:56 am
Hi I had a boyfriend we’ve been in a relationship for 6 months. I am 8 years older than him. He is always busy with his friends, that thought me that I am not his priority an I admit it. whenever he is moody I just keep silent and say nothing. As far as I know we had petty quarrels but after that we immediately make things up. Unfortunately out of the blue he did not reply to my texts and don’t seen my messages. Until today I ask him what he is up to but no reply. 🙁
Ally
August 26, 2020 at 12:00 pm
I still live with my ex and step child (not married, but basically were). My ex broke things off after 3+ yrs out of nowhere a month ago and it’s taken me until now to accept it, even though seems ridiculous to me. We plan to stay living together for the time being. Each day is different, he’s like warm and cold, but sometimes will disappear all evening. I’ve stopped initiating contact this week and he reached out about bills & asking if need things from the store. Other days he’s very friendly and does little acts of service like changing my laundry, buying my fav wine, etc., almost like things are normal. I’m so confused what this means (still feelings or guilt?) and what I should do. It feels awkward to do no contact when we’re getting along and living together. Plus when the child is here that’ll be impossible. He still refers to us as “we”, talks to me about work etc, and we’re still in group contact with his family, although I’ve stopped replying. So they clearly don’t know. Feels like mixed signals? Confusion on his part? Or am I just reading into it? Any help would be appreciated!
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
September 10, 2020 at 6:54 pm
Hey Ally, yes it can be confusion on his part as you are still living together at the moment. However you do not want to allow this hot and cold behaviour. You need to read about the limited no contact and work on yourself in that time. It is difficult as the child is around but you need to spend as little time with them both as possible while you are in no contact.