The No Contact Rule: A Powerful Strategy That Works On Your Ex

6,803 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”

Time

June 29, 2016 at 2:49 am

My gf broke up with me because she met another guy who has a nice car, own place, everything I don’t have. We have been together for almost 5 years, both 23. Shes young and stressed out, very emotional and shes curious about life being greener on the other side. This guy is more than 10 years older than she is and I know he’s up to no good (still has pics of his past friends on fb and talking about sleeping with each other). Before she initiated the break up, she told us to no contact for 1 week and I knew things would just go down hill from there. After that, things slowly paced itself back, we are good friends, comfortable with each other, but I’m still devoted to her and feel like life is pointless if I don’t continue to fight for her. At first, every time I try to have dinner with her, she would keep postponing and giving excuses like too busy or stressed. But it’s been 3 months since the breakup now and we have dinner once in a while. She’s slept over twice since our breakup, and its just as a friend… She keeps reassuring me with false promises stating that things won’t blossom with that guy, but all the clues are laid out… (Texts him, goes to all the places we used to go to, etc). She is the type that will lie and feel guilty about it, and I can see through it. I might be just a “friend with benefits” for her now… I put in $2000 on a trip we had planned in the fall, but she broke up all of a sudden, and went on a 1 week trip with a group of 6, with that guy included. And I told her, “keep the money, I want you to see how much you still mean to me… What friend would just drop 2k on something they weren’t even a part of?” To make things worst, all of my friends are her friends, as we chilled together with the same group since our highschool days. And she says to me, “if you make things awkward, people won’t even want to invite you.” I’m afraid that we are just going to be friend zoned forever and things will drift further away between us. I’ve invited her for dinner on 4th of July, but she gave me 3 different excuses. “Too much people, you should get some rest (1st time even hearing this one), I’m staying indoors.” And I’m know she’s going to spend July 4th with that guy… the lies and lame excuses are becoming more and more absurd. But she’s willing to watch a movie with me on a night before July 4th… She’s amazing, the most beautiful girl I’ve ever set eyes on. She can be bitchy at times and throws tantrums pretty often, but I’ve not once gotten impatient with her and cherish her for who she is. I know she is not perfect and even goddesses lie. Sometimes I wonder how the hell was I even given a chance to be together with her, as she rejected me the first time I asked her out, but stayed strong and fought. I don’t want to lose her, even though I did. Contradictory, yea I know. She’s so close to me, yet so far…
And I’ve seen too many instances where the dude gets friend zoned forever, which of course no one wants. Any advice?

EBR Team Member: Amor

June 29, 2016 at 4:18 pm

Hi Time,

if she really did leave for those reasons, she’s the one who lost a good one with you.. start nc and let her be for now.. she’s not going to miss you if you’re always around and you need to heal and improve too

Elle

June 28, 2016 at 9:39 pm

My ex was in the Istanbul airport today just went the attack happened waiting for his connecting flights , he had messaged me several times over this past 5 days where I was doing the no contact rule
I’ve had to break the rule trying to get hold of him after I’ve heard the terrible news ..,
I’m praying for him to be safe , I’m just wondering how can I go back to no contact after he confirms he is safe . This has made me realize how much I still love him .

EBR Team Member: Amor

June 29, 2016 at 3:15 pm

Hi Elle,

how long have you been in nc? because if it’s ling enough then just continue on building rapport

HK

June 28, 2016 at 8:21 pm

Me and my ex boyfriend are two different people. We are from different ethnicity, country and have different religion. He ia a conservative Muslim whereas I am a Hindu. We ave been in a relationship for about 10 months. For the past 2 months that we started living together, we have been fighting everyday. We both have started getting physical at each other. I always tell him what wrong he has done and he always blames me for everything. I was so upset that he didn’t come and console me when I was crying. He was on his phone so I started throwing all his stuffs. That”s when he told me he want nothing to do with me and broke up. I tried killing myself. I begged him, asked him to show pity on me. I have moved to a different place for a week but will be going back to the same place. We both still will be living together as we have a long lease. Can you help me out and find out how I can get him back?

EBR Team Member: Amor

June 29, 2016 at 2:56 pm

Hi Hk,

you have to put yourself first.. you have to learn how to be independent and more rational

EBR Team Member: Amor

June 28, 2016 at 7:53 am

nope, it didn’t throw your game off.. You should continue building rapport.. He probably just didn’t reply because he didn’t know what to say.
Hanna

June 27, 2016 at 6:59 pm

My boyfriend of 8 months moved to Chicago for a job about 2 months ago (I’m 35, he’s 37) We said we were going to break up, then we started doing LDR, then I felt him pulling away so I broke it off, even though I was still 100% in love with him. I pocket dialed him about 2 weeks after the breakup and hung up right away. He called back wanting to talk, and we’ve been in sporadic contact ever since (this was about a month ago). Recently he called, saying he hates Chicago, wants to come home, misses me so badly, that I’m the biggest reason he wants to come home, he’s lonely, still in love w/ me, etc. etc., but still feels like a part of him needs to give Chicago a shot. I sent him a long email the next day highlighting all the reasons I thought he should come home (missed job opportunities here, family, friends, giving our future a real shot etc). Didn’t hear from him for a week. Texted him the other day about something unrelated, and he texted back saying he got my email and has a lot to say and wants to talk later in the week. Initially I said ok, but then felt I wasn’t emotionally ready, so I texted back that I was busy all week and might have time at the weekend, so now he’s calling this weekend. Part of me wants to talk but part of me is terrified that he’ll say he’s never going to come home and so I want to avoid the conversation and start the 30-day NC rule. Is this ok, to avoid phonecalls? I never agreed to to talk this weekend, just said I might have some time.

EBR Team Member: Amor

June 29, 2016 at 6:11 am

HI Hanna,

you can be honest with him.. just say it’s now workable to talk with at the moment, so that he’ll understand why you’re not answering.. and then start nc.

Mandy

June 27, 2016 at 6:49 pm

Hi, my ex and I have been broken up for about 6 weeks, he ended things because I didn’t trust him and we were arguing all the time. We’ve been back and forth and he’s maintained that he does want to work things out in the future but that we need space first. I’ve done periods of no contact, up to about 11 days, but I’ve always broken it (usually drunk dialling). We got the same train to work last week and had a nice friendly journey and a few texts afterwards, but there was nothing to suggest he wanted to rekindle things so I decided to start the 30 day nc period again and stick to it. Well today is only day 3 and I just bumped into him on the train (this might be a problem for nc as we travel in the same direction to and from work and I can never be sure what train he’s on). Anyway we were friendly again and I answered his questions about how my weekend had been, but I made sure not to initiate any conversation and I parted with a casual “see you later” as we left the station. My question is, do I need to start nc again now? I feel like these train run-ins are going to be inevitable over 30 days I can’t think k of a way to completely avoid them…

EBR Team Member: Amor

June 29, 2016 at 6:09 am

HI Mandy,

nope you don’t to restart.. you just to maintain not being that engaging when you bump into each other.. of course you can be polite.. just do as you did the last time you bumped into him.

Jess

June 26, 2016 at 5:47 pm

And sorry, I know this is “ex boyfriend recovery” but I want a woman’s perspective.

EBR Team Member: Amor

June 28, 2016 at 12:47 pm

Hi Jess,

when did you break up?

Jess

June 26, 2016 at 5:45 pm

Hi there, I cheated on my [ex] girlfriend drunkenly with a one night stand. I instantly regretted it, and immediately fessed up and told my ex what happened. I begged initially and she ignored me. She’s calling right now and idk whether I should answer or not. Do I start NC? I want to answer so bad but I don’t want to ruin my shot at making things right.

EBR Team Member: Amor

June 28, 2016 at 12:47 pm

Hi Jess,

when did you break up?

Steph

June 26, 2016 at 5:43 pm

I live with my ex for the next 3 weeks until I can get my own place. We broke up about 2 weeks ago and I’m having a hard time not getting emotional when I see him. I think I can do NC once I’m out but I’m scared to ruin things before then because I keep crying and getting angry when I see him. Tips on how to keep calm ?

EBR Team Member: Amor

June 28, 2016 at 12:47 pm

HI Steph,

start going out more and being productive when you’re at home.. and start to improve yourself physically, skill wise, socially..

Gelly

June 25, 2016 at 6:08 pm

I am in a situation where we started long distance and then my boyfriend moved to be with me. Now we are breaking up and he is moving back to his home state. We have a house together/live together.

He recently got angry because I went to an event, and told me to leave the house by Tuesday and remove my cell phone from his account.

Do I respect his wishes and leave the house/remove my cell phone? And should I implement NC rule (not sure if I should ask him not to contact me for a while or just drop all communication like a hot potato without telling him NC)? Should I ever break the NC rule if he has questions pertaining to our living/moving situation, or have my mother or sister respond for me?

Gelly

June 28, 2016 at 8:05 pm

Now I’m not sure if I should live at my own home that we live in together, or stay elsewhere. We broke up because he began to get distant. After he went on a long trip because we were on a break, I asked him where we stood–and he said it’s best we go our separate ways because: he doesn’t trust me (I lied about small things in the past from years ago, he never let it go but I’ve never cheated), he thinks we have different personalities and are not compatible, and I think he is frustrated that I’m taking so long to finish school and get a job. I take full blame and apologized for him not being able to trust me. And I told him that now I’m busy with investing in myself and my future and actually taking the steps to start working again. We have not spoken since that interaction (friday night/saturday morning) when he told me to not be home when he gets home from his business trip.
Since it is also my house, should I reserve the right to sleep and stay in my own home or is it better if I stay at my family’s home for a while?
EBR Team Member: Amor

June 29, 2016 at 2:41 pm

I think it’s best if you move out and really have your own place..
EBR Team Member: Amor

June 28, 2016 at 8:35 am

Hi Gelly,

why did you break up? You’re not supposed to say you’re doing nc.. it’s the start of being more independent from.. you can talk about important stuff during it.. but only that.. no small talk, no relationship or feelings talk, no how are you..if he initates just tell you’re not ready to be friendly yet.. and then focus on improving yourself

Levesque

June 25, 2016 at 1:17 pm

Hi! What if my ex broke up with me last week because he was chatting with a new girl. Then i tried contacting him and ended up being frienzoned and he keeps on telling me bout their problems. How can I do the no contact rule if I already contacted him and now he’s treating me as a friend, when clearly I still love the shit out of him? And i keeep on getting the urge to text him. Please help

EBR Team Member: Amor

June 28, 2016 at 11:11 am

Hi Levesque,

Tell him you won’t be able to reply for a while because you’re going to be busy.. and then start active no contact.

Jena Leek

June 24, 2016 at 6:20 pm

Hello, how do I implement the NC rule? Is it something I verbally suggest to my boyfriend or do I just stop contacting him for 30 days? I don’t know if this is something we should mutually agree to do.

Also, he NC rule suggests that I get out and attend events/parties and be social. I mentioned that I would be going to an event, and my boyfriend got upset about it. Should I continue to do my own thing or not go because it would upset him? Thanks!!!

I am in love with this site.

EBR Team Member: Amor

June 28, 2016 at 8:35 am

Hi Gelly,

why did you break up? You’re not supposed to say you’re doing nc.. it’s the start of being more independent from.. you can talk about important stuff during it.. but only that.. no small talk, no relationship or feelings talk, no how are you..if he initates just tell you’re not ready to be friendly yet.. and then focus on improving yourself

AB

June 24, 2016 at 5:17 pm

Hi, so i have been seeing this guy for the past 5 months, and we keep fighting over silly things. Everytime we fight or argue , he tells me things like i’m different and that we should be friends. Either he breaks it off with me or i break it off with him . The standard line is “we should stick to being friends”. This guy is extremely insecure and doesn’t like me talking to any guy but when he talks to any girl or flirts its ok and he tells me not to make a big deal about it. Everytime we fight or argue i always forgive him. We had a really bad fight this time and i got pissed off with him and told him not to contact me ever again because i felt he was seeing someone else and i felt hurt, but he claims he is not seeing anyone. He only wants to be friends because he thinks this is not working out but i cannot be friends with him, i want him back, and i don’t know what to do. It has been a day since the NC rule, please help.

AB

July 6, 2016 at 2:11 pm

I just wanted to know if he was ok and unhurt during the blasts at the place! I just asked him if he was okay and that i heard about it. He replied saying i’m all ok . Thats all. I have no idea what to do now, we havn’t spoken and he is back in town
EBR Team Member: Amor

July 7, 2016 at 1:40 pm

if that is all.. no small talk then you can continue nc..what’s.more important is if you are continuously improving yourself
AB

July 5, 2016 at 8:58 am

Hi, it has been 12 days, i broke the NC rule today to ask him if he is fine as he was in a place of some attacks. I just wanted to make sure he was fine and unhurt. And he is fine. What do i do now? Start the NC all over again?
EBR Team Member: Amor

July 5, 2016 at 10:46 pm

hmmm was it an emergency? how did you talk?
AB

June 28, 2016 at 10:05 am

Hi, i have not contacted him and i am following the no contacy rule, it has been 5 days today.
EBR Team Member: Amor

June 28, 2016 at 7:55 am

HI AB,

are you being active now?

Mazel

June 24, 2016 at 1:01 pm

Hi,

I am in a unique situation; however, I feel to 30 day no contact challenge will be of benefit to me. I met this guy in our local Jewish community center. We became friends quickly. Everyone wants us to become more than friends, consequently a lot of pressure is being opposed of me. I am happy being his friend but a day before my birthday I totally misinterpreted his text and so I have declared a 30 day no contact period to gain clarity and grow in my independence and learn my role in relationships that add to them and not detract. He is leaving for Israel in a few days, so he won’t be in Shul this weekend or 2 weeks there after. I uninstalled all social media outlets and blocked/archived his messages. His birthday is a month from the point I decided no contact. I feel the two weeks he is not here is like 14 day cheat period on the NC period; however, I could easily contact through WhatsApp/Skype. This why I deleted those as well. At first I blocked his number, but if he were to call and it would go straight to vm, he is smart enough to realize he’s been block and then what? Once he comes back from Israel, things will get difficult as we both are very involved in our community, chances of me seeing him are very high. And at this point it will be 20 days since the NC period started. On the 30th day I hope to text him since it will be his birthday and he would have returned from Israel. I would like to continue our friendship in a new and positive direction. He is 10 years older then me so I feel I really need this time to train my self to be more confident in how I perceive our friendship. Are there any strategies I could train myself with in order to get at the level he is on concerning building lasting relationships? As of now he said I needed to slow down and that I was moving way to fast. But I made sure he knew I understood we were friends, and only spoke to him on a friend based level. I am not sure if he’s last response to me was a good reaction, as it could have easily gone in another direction.
John

June 24, 2016 at 2:56 am

Hi I had a sort of relationship with a guy ( more f***boys than real boyfriend and boyfriend thing) for more than 3 months, everything was fine and last week the day after we went out he texted me saying he doesn’t wanna hang out with me anymore. I started the nc rule the day after we stopped talking. I don’t know what to do.

EBR Team Member: Amor

June 28, 2016 at 7:30 am

Hi John,

This article suits your situation more: How to turn friends with benefits into a relationship

TINK

June 23, 2016 at 11:57 am

I have a boyfriend who we’ve been together since 2010. i was 17 then ans he was 20. we broke up after 3 years of being together. Because he began taking me for granted and i couldnt take it anymore. I made up my mind and moved on. He never stopped wanting me back ever since. i Never stopped loving him either but i couldnt See myself back together with him. so i started dating some one. He was crushed but accepted the fact. Eight months after the new relationship never worked out. the new guy cheated on me. and i ended up getting back together With My first Ex who was more than happy to have me back. We got back together in december 2014 and we’ve been together since then. but as of lately i feel he is interested in someone else from his work place. he is contantly texting her and deleting their chats after. he claims she is just a friend but i have my suspicions that there is something more going on. We have been constantly fighing and we decided to take a 3 week break and during the first week of the break i found out that he Took her to his uncle’s house where they had a birthday celebration for him. (the uncle). This has really set me off as i was genuinely willing to work things out. i love him so much and he knows it too. i dont want to lose him but i want to make him want me like he used to. what do i do?

TINK

June 30, 2016 at 7:57 am

well we are still technically together but am planning of breaking up with him so that i make him miss me when am gone. with the no contact rule. i dont know when to start, is it immediately after breaking up?
EBR Team Member: Amor

July 1, 2016 at 12:32 pm

yes, immediately after.
EBR Team Member: Amor

June 27, 2016 at 2:51 pm

HI Tink,

are you practicing active no contact now?

Bee

June 23, 2016 at 11:06 am

Hi
My bf and I went out for 3 years we’re both 24. I’ve been on this site a lot and I know that basically the reason we broke up all boils down to him losing attraction for me. I developed a lot of anxiety and really struggled with my workload so I became clingy and unhappy without talking about it. He said he still finds me physically attractive but he felt like the spark had gone and he didn’t want to work on getting it back. We planned a future together and I honestly feel like he’s not only the love of my life but that I’m his too. The problem is he says he can’t be any more than a friend for me, but obviously that’s the opposite of what i want and I know he honestly wants me in his life as we have a very close group of mutual friends as we all grew up together. I started NC but ended up breaking it 2 weeks in because a family member of mine passed away and I just didn’t know what to do. Things ended up coming up and getting emotional and I know that that is the last thing that should’ve happened. So I’ve decided to restart the NC period, is this right or should i continue from where I left off? If the best thing to do is to restart the NC period I have a question. Me and my ex work together every other weekend. I have some time off already booked so I won’t actually be seeing him until toward the end of July, but the first day back at work together is the end of the NC period. So how do I start rebuilding attraction when our first interaction after NC will be face to face at work? Thanks.

Bee

June 23, 2016 at 1:35 pm

I’ve been doing things to help improve my life and I’ve made some big changes to help get rid of the anxiety that had built up, but i just don’t feel like he wants to know. It’s still early but i feel like he’s so focused on moving on he won’t see me any differently to the girl he broke up with, instead of the girl he fell in love with. I’ve taken up some new hobbies, seen my friends a lot and been active on social media. After the break in NC i wiped the slate with a message saying I looked back on our time together fondly and wishing him well, trying to be as positive as possible. I think my biggest fear is that he won’t let himself love me again because he’ll be too scared of history repeating itself. Any advice on this would be much appreciated.
EBR Team Member: Amor

June 27, 2016 at 2:42 pm

If you really changed to the point that it looks like you’ve moved on, he will probably see that and you need to maintain that even after nc, so that any doubt he may have will be erased.
Bee

June 23, 2016 at 11:18 am

Also are there any guides on rekindling a lost spark on this site? I’ve been through most of the guides on here but nothing that specific. I know there’s a small section on it on the ex girlfriend recovery site but it’s hard to know if the exact same principles apply to men. I know it’s entirely possible and I’ve done a lot of research on it but other sites tend to be quite vague, which is why I always end up coming back here. Thanks

lindsey

June 23, 2016 at 11:03 am

hi! i have been dating my boyfriend for 8 months and we are pretty serious (live together with my kids and talk about marriage). 3 months ago i told my bf that in the beginning (first 3 weeks) of our relationship i was seeing him and my ex boyfriend at the same time. My bf was gutted because he said he loved me from the very beginning and he thought i did, i told him i didn’t but i do now and would not dream of it. he is now constantly breaking up with me and we have very bad arguments, he says he cannot trust me but i am willing to work at it. i know he loves me but he says he doesn’t and says that this time it really is over because i was talking to a guy i had sex with once when i was 20 and i said i didn’t but later said i did, he said i lied again but it was just because i felt uncomfortable talking who i have had sex with in the past.
when we break up i constantly beg him to not leave me, follow him, message and call a lot. he once said that he has never had a women fight for him like i do and that if i stopped it would mean i don’t care. i am exhausted doing this, will the NC? im scared if i try it he will realise he is happy on his own.
thanks

EBR Team Member: Amor

June 27, 2016 at 2:41 pm

Hi Lindsey,

you should do nc.. chasing him will not help improve the situation

B

June 22, 2016 at 4:20 pm

Hi Chris/Amor,
Around this time last year my boyfriend and I broke up. We were limited contact and still hanging out for a while but not technically dating. Eventually I told him I couldn’t keep seeing him and acting like we were together and I told him I had went out on a date with someone else. I immediately started NC. I didn’t think he would message me but he did on day 28 saying “hi” when he was drunk and ran into my friends and he messaged me again on day 30 asking if we could talk about things. We ended up getting back together, quickly. Which was probably not the best idea. We dated for about 8 months and I broke up with him a week ago after a week break and a week of us arguing. My question is will 30 day NC work again? Are my chances better or worse considering NC worked last time. I am on day 5 of NC. We are no longer friends on FB or IG (I deleted him) but he still looks at my snap chat stories. Please let me know your thoughts. Thank you!

B

June 27, 2016 at 4:15 pm

It has come to my attention he deleted the pictures of us together off Instagram? I think this happened before he texted me on day 7. Do you know if this makes my chances worse?
EBR Team Member: Amor

June 29, 2016 at 5:47 am

nope.. it doesn’t.. your chances will more likely depend on what you do
B

June 23, 2016 at 9:08 pm

Today is day 7 of NC. He texted me “vinyl got cancelled btw” (vinyl was our show on HBO). This is a good sign right? I shouldn’t reply?
EBR Team Member: Amor

June 27, 2016 at 7:49 am

Hi B,

I think it still can, since you didn’t do nc consecutively and because of that message

joe

June 22, 2016 at 2:39 pm

recently moved out of the house after going on a break with my fiance. she won’t actually say broken up for some reason but is sleeping with another guy already. we have a lot of responsibilities at the house that we used to split between us.

yesterday i went back to get some things and today she texted ‘did you at least do this when you were at the house’ – i replied ‘just gathered some things’ and that was it.

does this constitute breaking NC?

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6,803 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”