The No Contact Rule: A Powerful Strategy That Works On Your Ex

6,800 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”

Karen

August 11, 2013 at 6:37 am

So i had a bf dated for a year and 8mnth everything was good but something went wrong he started acting indifferent and i got really frustrated and asked for a break up but then through thinking i realised it was a mistake of mine but he was acting really wierd so we tried being friends but niether of us could stand the idea of being friends so we just stopped talking but i would get so tempted to text him so i would send him text messages saying i love you and miss you idk if the no contact rule will work what do u think i really love this guy id do anything to see him happy but i feel that by contacting him i made myself look desperate and i ruined my chancess with him

admin

August 12, 2013 at 2:19 am

I think you have a prime chance of getting him back. That doesn’t mean you will get him back but I don’t think you ruined your chances by contacting him too much. So long as you really stick to the NC rule you will improve your chances.

Miranda

August 10, 2013 at 3:44 pm

I think this site is great. But I have my own story that I need help with. So me and my ex just recently broke up like almost a week now. The day we were supposed to hang out he didnt show up, or call me or text me or anything till later on that night so then when I did get a hold of him I forced him to come over right away at first he didnt want to and said that he’ll make it up sometime this week but I was persistent this wasn’t the first time he’s done this past couple months he’s been spending more time with his friends and been neglecting me. SO when he finally came over I told him how I felt and how he doesn’t see it my way and threatened I wanted to break up but I wasn’t serious but he took it seriously and said how its right he hasn’t been treating me the same, how hes been losing feelings I didnt see this at all. He texted me he loved me the night before I just don’t see how things changed so fast. I NEED YOUR HELP! I’ve been wanting to and wanting to talk to him but I haven’t 5 days since NC RULE. Tell me what you think is my relationship salvageable.

admin

August 11, 2013 at 3:23 am

I do think it is salvageable but only if YOU can get your head on straight and think clearly. I can’t guarantee he is going to come back to you I just can’t. However, right now you seem to be doing everything by the book and that is something to be proud of.
Miranda

August 11, 2013 at 4:22 am

What do you think it means if he says whenever he’s with me he’s happy but when I’m not with him I’m not really in his mind. Help! I’m just so lost this was too sudden
admin

August 12, 2013 at 2:15 am

It means that he loves who he is around you and the time you spend together but after you are apart he starts to have doubts. He is having an internal struggle and that isn’t always a bad thing. A part of him wants to be with you and a part of him is lost.
Miranda

August 14, 2013 at 4:13 am

Oh okay thanks so much … Yeah he turned 21 this year so he says he wants to experience things out there. Makes me feel like he just wants to experience other girls. I really thought he’s the one for me. Shared so much things together. Is there anything you can say to help !??
admin

August 15, 2013 at 2:15 am

Try not to let his future actions affect you on a personal level. That is the best advice I can give you.
Miranda

August 13, 2013 at 12:06 pm

Please explain what this guy is thinking.
Miranda

August 13, 2013 at 12:05 pm

So he also said if he had met me a few years down the road i would be the one he would settle down with like .. This gives me so much hope. What should I do admin!!
admin

August 14, 2013 at 2:06 am

Honestly, to me it just seems like a line you would say to not hurt someones feelings. Think about it logically. If you were to meet the man you were going to marry would you “wait a couple of years” to get in a relationship with him? I know I wouldn’t if it was my future wife. I would get in a relationship with her ASAP.

Of course, some guys are not like you and I. Some guys do hold true to what they are saying. Some guys like to get the partying out of the way before they settle down. The problem is that guys like this tend to have horrible relationships with women b/c they never let their partying ways go.
Miranda

August 12, 2013 at 12:07 pm

So, it just may take time for him to realize that he misses me? He tried to make this a positive breakup saying I should take everything out of this relationship and remember the good times. He hugged me one last time and started crying ..
admin

August 13, 2013 at 2:36 am

It can take some time yes..
Miranda

August 11, 2013 at 4:23 am

Is there no chance after this ?

Lauri

August 10, 2013 at 1:19 pm

So my ex and I just broke up this week. I’ve had no contact with him so far. He said since he’s been hanging out with his friends more he hasn’t felt the same for me. So that day we were supposed to hang out he didn’t call, message or anything till later that night I forced him to come over. He told me I should be positive about this break up. He says he doesn’t want to commit after 8 months being together. I know he’s still young early 20s trying to figure his life out and party. It was just all so sudden. There was no signs of him texting me less, calling less. None of that just kind of out of the blue. Please help! Will you think nc rule will work for me? Or is this really over.

admin

August 11, 2013 at 3:16 am

Out of the blue huh? Those are always the suckiest kind of breakups.

I still think the NC Rule can be good in your case.
Lauri

August 11, 2013 at 4:18 am

So I should just continue not messaging him I can’t help but wonder what’s going on with him
admin

August 12, 2013 at 2:14 am

Until the NC rule is up yes.

hanny

August 10, 2013 at 12:27 pm

Hi.
I’ve read a lot about this no contact rule, but your post is the most substantial of all. Thanks for posting this. Anyway, this is my story:

I met this guy online last year, July 2012. He lives in California and I live in the Philippines. We’re both Filipinos, tho. His underground/independent music group invited me to join them, and I did. We’ve been good online friends since then. We make songs together, brainstorm about topics and lyrics, etc. Fast forward. By September 2013, he started to “flirt” with me (I don’t know how else to call it -_-). He started to call me via skype very often (like 4-5 days a week, 10am-5pm)as long as I’m available. He didn’t care that I always miss a lot of his calls because I’m a busy lady. He’d still call often. He started sending me messages everyday. He greets me good morning and I’m the last person he talks to before he goes to sleep. I never initiated calls or messages. I just answer his calls and reply to his messages when he initiates them. There were days when he would suddenly “disappear” and it would last for 2-3 days. However, I never nagged him about his disappearing acts. I once told him that it irritates me to receive a good morning message from him on facebook and then realize his account is deactivated and I can’t reply back. But we ended up laughing at it and it never happened again. I just talk to him calmly whenever he contacts me again. Around October 2012, he finally told me that he wants a relationship with me. By that time we already know that we are attracted to eachother, but I doubted that what we had as “online friends” was enough to finally start a relationship. We finally had a mutual agreement that we would take things slowly. Fast forward. By March 2013, strange things started happening. He started being aloof. His calls were not as often as before. I never changed my attitude or behavior towards him, except that I became more vulnerable. I was careful not to appear needy so I still refused to initiate contact whenever he disappears. However, I make it sure that he feels respected, cared for, and adored. I tell him that I appreciate his effort to talk to me for many hours a day even when he’s so busy at work, etc. I can tell that he cares for me because of all his efforts to maintain our communication. But in the past few weeks I really felt like he’s drifting away.

He already planned to visit me here in the Philippines next year that’s why this disappearing act he’s doing right now is bothering me. It’s not like his disappearing acts before. This one feels like he’s not coming back anymore. It’s weird because we never argued. Never. We’ve been in our bad moods the past few weeks but we never argued and we apologized to eachother sincerely.

I know I love this guy. Maybe it’s wrong in the eyes of others because we never really met eachother personally, but I know I love him. I don’t want to lose this guy and I’m looking forward to see and be close to him next year. I’ve been waiting for that to happen because I know it will make us more connected (No plans of being too intimate, tho. I pray for more self control.)

It’s been 5 days now since the last time we talked to eachother and I’m starting to go crazy. It’s really not like before. Something’s wrong. We’re not in a relationship and we haven’t been together personally so I’m not sure if this no contact rule will work for me. But I’m willing to do it if you’ll say it will work. I just don’t want to lose this guy.

Please help me.

God bless you!

admin

August 11, 2013 at 3:12 am

So,

You two haven’t dated at all if I am understanding this correctly.

If that is the case I don’t think this is for you. Instead, I wouldn’t contact him at all until he contacts you first.
hanny

August 11, 2013 at 1:24 pm

Ok. Thank you. I will do that.

Confused

August 10, 2013 at 12:19 pm

So my story is I was with my exboyfriend for 9 months. One day when I was supposed to hang out with him he wasn’t answering his calls or texting me. So when he finally did it was 8pm , and I was beyond angry he said he left his phone at his friends and just got it I told him he should’ve called or messaged me some other way. I called him was really upset he apologized forced him to come over. He did. So I was still mad at this point and saying he doesn’t care as much anymore that we should break up but it was just an empty threat. Then he said he didn’t want to see me like this anymore crying for him. Then tells me maybe we should break up and that he hasn’t been feeling the same anymore I was just so shocked I thought he was kidding. Everything I thought was fine. Then he tells me he doesn’t want to be committed after being together for 9 months and said he’s been feeling this way since he started hanging out with friends more. I know I shouldn’t have but I did try to ask to do a break he paused and thought about it and said it wasn’t a good idea. I finally accepted it. He was saying things like ‘if I had met you a few years down the road you would be someone I would settle down with. ‘. Kills me to hear that. So do you think the NC rule will help for me!

admin

August 11, 2013 at 3:09 am

It is most certainly for you!

BeeKnees

August 10, 2013 at 7:54 am

What it…during my “crazy, emotional” stage, I said some very angry things via e-mail and messenger…maybe even alternated with “I’m sorry, I said those things out of hurt,” once in awhile and never got a response? Will NC work or is it a lost cause at this point? Also, should I block him on FB? Thank you.

admin

August 11, 2013 at 3:06 am

Don’t unfriend him on facebook.

I would go ahead and give NC a try. It will give him time to kind of calm down a little bit.
BeeKnees

August 11, 2013 at 4:10 am

I already unfriended him like two weeks after I broke up and was still living with him. I guess I should unblock him, huh? I really don’t feel like I’m thinking very clearly at this point.
admin

August 12, 2013 at 2:11 am

Well, at this point I say just let it be. After NC you can refriend him.
BeeKnees

August 11, 2013 at 7:10 am

Actually, never mind. He’s back with his ex that he dated before me. She can have him. But thanks for the helpful info on your site!
BeeKnees

August 18, 2013 at 5:42 am

You’re awesome. You’ve got a lot of insight. I know you’re a guy, but most of the guys I know don’t even know what would work for them.
admin

August 19, 2013 at 3:03 am

Honestly, I think girls are tricker than guys.
BeeKnees

August 18, 2013 at 1:20 am

Thank you for your help. Is there a way to get that back, you think? I sent him a calm text the other day telling him that I found replacements for the items I left at his house and to consider giving them to someone who could you them if he wished. I then asked if he’d be able to clear up some misinformation our mutual friends were feeding me. He said thank you for my “reasonable and friendly” text and he’d call me the next afternoon. The next afternoon came and went and no call. But I do believe he’s testing me to see How I’ll react. In our relationship, I tended to get nervous when I didn’t hear from him and would call him or text him. I guess what I’m asking is…can I still get him back and if so, should I implement NC after our phone call, whenever it comes?
admin

August 18, 2013 at 4:33 am

I say go NC and don’t pick up his phone call. Call him on your terms after he calls you.
BeeKnees

August 15, 2013 at 8:23 am

Probably not. But I’m curious if his feelings were ever genuine. We were going to build a life together, he had just got us a house, I was planning to move to be with him. We were together for 6 months and were chatting it up 6 months before that (he was with his ex at the time, so when things got real, I told him I couldn’t speak to him anymore until he was a single man, so he left her). But he kept contact with her as he does all his exes (except me, I don’t leave doors open like that).

I’m not sure if she was a safety net or if chose her over me. Our relationship was super serious. But we were going through a rough patch. Yet he’s back with her one month after our breakup. I can’t help but wonder if she was his backup plan (she has always believed the sun shone out of his arse no matter if he dumped her for another woman, ignored her or whatever. I am the opposite. I have expectations, although I am patient)or if his feelings for me weren’t as strong as he said. How invalidating. Any insight?
admin

August 16, 2013 at 2:06 am

From everything you are telling me I am sure that his feelings were genuine. Something happened though that scared him off or made him lose his feelings. In my opinion most men are kind of impulsive in relationships. Meaning that they project how they feel. So, if he is really excited then that is a genuine feeling. However, sometimes when we get alone we sit and brood and that way we were feeling wears off.
admin

August 12, 2013 at 2:17 am

OH NO 🙁

Is there anything else I can do to help you?

Harry

August 10, 2013 at 7:37 am

Been with my Gf for 6years, treated her really bad on weekends when I had a drink call her names and finish her, but i knew when i wanted her back after a few days she would come running, even got caught cheating on her, she would also spend lots of time with my family, but I would rarely if ever meet hers, this week we had our normal argument but this time she ended it, I’ve since been round Wednesday and Friday begging that i can and make her to take me back, but she says we are going no were and will never take me back, I really want to stop drinking and change to make it work, but I’m worried with the no contact rule that she will find someone else who treats her better, please advise!

admin

August 11, 2013 at 3:05 am

Harry,

I think the possibility of her moving on that quickly is not very high. I deal with enough women every day to know that they don’t generally move on quickly and the if they do it is almost certainly a rebound.

heather

August 9, 2013 at 9:55 pm

I’m going to do stuff for myself and try to stay busy so I am not tempted to contact him. He actually texted me today after 2 days of nothing. I was surprised but didn’t say anything.

admin

August 10, 2013 at 3:18 am

That sounds like a great plan!

lost

August 9, 2013 at 3:40 pm

I have an interesting situation. So about a month and a half a go, I broke up with my boyfriend out of frustration because we had planned to move in together and finish school finally. We are in a LDR so it was going to finally bring us together. Thing is, he compromised where he wanted to go to school and decided that wasn’t his dream so he told me that he didn’t want to move there but to go to school where he’s always dreamed of since he was a kid. So I broke it off. It hurt because that means that we would be in a LDR for another 4 years and I wanted to move in and settle down like him and I always dreamed of.

We’ve been talking here and there, trying to resolve it, but that didn’t work. Tried not talking about it, which was good for a while, but it would come up. I tried apologizing saying that I did it out of anger, but he won’t take me back saying he doesn’t want me to compromise my dreams. He said that right now he wants us to work on ourselves because we’re making big transitions into working full-time to not working and going to school full-time, and I’m moving.

I get the whole no contact thing, but I tried going back to him and got rejected, more than once. Now after the 30 day no contact, should it be him making the contact because he didn’t want to get back together at that time or should it be me since I initiated the breakup?

admin

August 10, 2013 at 3:08 am

Well, if he contacts you that is a big plus. However, after 30 days of freezing him out you should initiate the convo b/c you want to be in control of everything.
lost

August 10, 2013 at 7:55 am

So I’m on day 5, if he contacts me in the next few days, what do you recommend saying so that I can keep the 30 day no-contact thing going?
admin

August 11, 2013 at 3:06 am

I recommend you ignore him completely until the 30 days is complete.
Lost

August 12, 2013 at 5:58 pm

My question that makes it even more complicated is, do I wait that long especially since we are in a long distance relationship? He’s in the UK and I’m here in the US.
admin

August 13, 2013 at 3:06 am

Gosh I would say yes

Missy

August 9, 2013 at 12:34 pm

I am 27 days and counting. It has been SO difficult. He calls and texts daily. He has even stopped by a few times. I have totally ignored ALL of it. I don’t answer the phone or the door. He has not seen my face for 27 days. One day he left a voice message saying how much he missed me and that he just wanted to hear my voice so badly; I changed my voicemail message to straight music so that he would not even have the benefit of hearing my voice. It’s hard, very hard. So many times I want to pick up the phone or respond to his texts, but I know that it would be the worst thing I could do. If I invite him back into my life, it’ll just be more of the same. I would be hurting myself even more than he has hurt me. And, believe me, he has hurt me SO VERY badly. I’m trying to get to the point where I can easily shift my thoughts when he enters my mind. It’s difficult. Even when I remind myself of all the cheating and the lies. But, it has been 27 days.

admin

August 10, 2013 at 2:57 am

Hi Missy,

Wow, I am really proud of you. You are actually doing the right thing! Can you imagine how excited he will be when you finally text him?

heather

August 8, 2013 at 6:23 pm

Hey! I’m so happy I found this site. I am having a terrible time and it’s only the 2nd day!

I was in an LDR for 8 months. We got to where we argued almost everyday. He started avoiding me, and being distant. I ended up breaking up with him yesterday 🙁

This is REALLY hard because I talked him to like clockwork everyday, at the same time everyday for the entire relationship. I’m going to try the NC.

Any other tips for this? I’m not doing well at all!

admin

August 9, 2013 at 4:39 am

What do you plan on doing during NC to evolve?
heather

August 8, 2013 at 6:28 pm

Also, he is very stubborn and im really worried the NC may not work on him. He seems like the “she’s not talking to me, so I won’t talk to her type”.. I really didn’t want to end it, I just felt it was the last straw.
admin

August 9, 2013 at 4:40 am

Well, you are going to initiate the conversation at the end of the NC. He may ignore you initially but if he does that just means he is still emotionally attached to you in some way shape or form.

darks

August 7, 2013 at 11:01 pm

He works with me and he broke my heart.i swore no contact but seems i am stuck

What can I do..

admin

August 8, 2013 at 2:27 am

You can still do NC but in person you shouldn’t avoid him. You can talk to him just keep the conversations really polite, simple and short.
darks

August 8, 2013 at 4:34 am

But honestly I wanted him to feel bitter after the decision he took.
Plus…I am afraid I get emotional when I see him …I am an emotional peraon.its been 10 days (yes am counting since this has been the longest we havent talked) its still fresh and am bound to see him soon..how can I control my self
admin

August 9, 2013 at 4:07 am

Keep yourself very busy.

On this page I talk about all the different things you can do during the NC to kill time. I would start there.

Kayla

August 7, 2013 at 4:10 pm

Hi – thank you for all the free information and advice on here. I’m gaining much insight from your responses to others and tips as I get through this process.

Background: X-man and I were together 2y, last 2 months were long distance (he relocated across the country for work). He is mid-20s, I am late 20s. During our 2y, we lived together 17 months. He initiated being a couple. During that time, we flipped a home together, both worked full-time, I was also studying part-time and he had a part-time side business.

Coming undone: He first asked for space about one month in long distance (stating pressure, not sure about us, wanted to be a good bf, felt that I wanted more (all my friends were getting married/having babies), rediscovered he missed his independence, living on his own…). I got emotional, then suggested NC/break to let us both figure out what we want. He got emotional, refused and flipped out so I gave in. Within a week, I snooped online and discovered that he had an online dating profile in his new city. And broke-up with him immediately. He was ashamed, upset for a good week sending me pics of himself crying, his family got involved… and kept saying he just wanted time.

Post break-up: I tried NC after, and wanted everything sorted ASAP. He made that difficult and I wasn’t strong enough to stick to my guns. Contact kept up for about 8 weeks, we reconciled briefly for two weeks. I then said I was done because he was still ‘online’. Did NC for 3 weeks and gave in to his text/fb poke. I then freaked out and cut contact again. That lasted 3 weeks. I had to get in touch with him to deal with a lease we ‘legally’ shared that I wanted to end. Even by this time, financial matters had not been resolved.

In contact again: This business talk then evolved into being in touch for four months. First 2 months it was like ‘us’. I was moving forward with my life and losing weight and getting myself back, but I loved being in touch with him and always looked forward to it. He was keeping busy, but still finding it hard being in new city and winter months. I used text your ex back principles. 3rd month, his pace/style changed, so I let him initiate, which he did every week and we had fun conversations, all by text. 4th month now in summer, it slowed down a lot, but he would send long messages and update me on the things I knew about every 8-10 days(old friends visiting, work, etc. and NOT his new life or NEW friends). Later in the 4th month, I unblocked him on Facebook – I felt happy again and very pleased with my life and direction. He added me within a week and within a few days I accepted. I went on vacation and hooked up with a new man I’m now keeping friendly contact with. X and I sent messages on Facebook – mostly ‘catching up type of messages’. And within a few days of that, he deleted pics of me he had kept on his profile. And within another week, he changed his profile picture to him and his new girlfriend (so this is 6 months after 2nd break-up, and 8 after we first ended and 9 months after he first asked for space). I freaked out and blocked him, but kept quiet. Following days he texted. I didn’t respond. Two weeks later he sent me a message saying he never meant to hurt me, sent me a money transfer, wished me well for my upcoming plans and send that life is short, follow your goals and you’ll find love.

Present: TO ME, this is his closure. This was all about three weeks ago now. I’ve been seeing a counsellor for some time. I’ve gained a lot of insight – and I know we couldn’t keep going the way we did, for so many reasons.

Truth about our relationship I can now accept:
– we loved
– we didn’t communicate very well but couldn’t stand the thought of losing each other (I took a lot personal, had insecurities about other girls that were heightened by some of his behaviours, he didn’t like ‘talking’… )
– we may have brought out worst in each other
– I believe our relationship was unbalanced: I gave a lot and accepted less in return (I blindly accepted this)
– when he asked for space the first time, he also said he thought we didn’t have enough fun (when together i often suggested activities but we were so busy with projects and he didn’t want to spend money and he wanted to be the MAN and lead)
– he turned to online stuff with girls from his past every 3-4 months during our relationship (I don’t believe he is a cheater, but this is a character trait… i believe it’s because he was bored and not fulfilled with me, and chose this instead of communicating (perhaps because i wouldn’t have been receptive)
– I wanted a relationship really bad and our first months were intense and passionate. I didn’t take the time to observe him and who he is before ‘saying i love you’ and make sure I remained balance
– He achieved a lot in his time with me by his side supporting him
– I believe I sought to fill a big void of insatisfaction by being with him: being part of his family (mine is dysfunctional and broken) and being in a partnership and working on the home together
– I know with certainty we both loved each other

Since that ‘closure’ email he sent, I texted him (to say thanks and share a short update – I sent this late at night and he responded within 20 mins. Short response). It was a lil needy in the sense that I was looking for validation now that I know a new girl is in the picture, and frankly, she seems good and lovely (somebody I’d get along with).

And now I’m in NC as I am moving cities/changing jobs and have a lot to do and feel that’s all that’s left to do right now. He is with somebody and that email exchange is what it is.

I know I’m finally accepting the present. Wish I would have removed myself from him while he hadn’t sorted everything out so he could have felt true loss. During 3rd month of contact, I was thinking of cutting contact… but I didn’t and now I’m doing it knowing he’s with somebody. And I know I have to respect that. I don’t want to play games or manipulate or impose myself. I do want him to be happy. And I want to be happy.

I’m having trouble coming to terms with: are we just not a good fit, or was it mismanaging the relationship (we were not on equal footing, I know he had me without truly earning me beyond the initial honeymoon phase), both needing to learn about ourselves, or just bad timing..

Facts now are:
– long distance and will be unless i get a job where he is, which is a possibility in 6 months
– he is in a new relationship
– I am about to leave my life as I know it and open up to a whole lot of new stuff, location, work and people.
– I’m focusing on keeping great qualities I have and working on the things I can improve (social value, active lifestyle, hobbies, talent, accomplishing goals)
– I’m more aware of myself, that I want to truly get to know who I am and be who I am in all settings. And be content with the life I have. This is something I’ve always either been super high or super low on…

I’m here to ask advice – but I guess I know what I have to do. Let us both just be and live our lives. Cut contact (not sure until when… my birthday is in two months.. maybe he’ll reach out). I want to keep moving forward genuinely and live my life truer… but I would also like to feel I gave us a real shot, without leading myself on with illusions.

So..? just live my life, stick to NC for now, reach out in a few months without any pressure (keeping it light and friendly and fun), see if that leads in to more contact… and in-person meeting. And then I’ll know..? I do want to start dating once I’m in my new city and I don’t want to stay on hold. I want to practice, practice, practice and have fun.

So does that seem like the realistic and respectful way to go about it all?

The only thing I haven’t done is truly gotten separation. Only now… I sense it’s what he’s ready for given that he has a new woman.

Sigh. I don’t want to cry anymore and I am excited for my life… but he is still on my mind and in my heart, every day.

I guess time will tell…

admin

August 8, 2013 at 2:35 am

Whoa… thats a long comment.

You know what I like about it though. You literally answered all your own questions at the end hahaha.

Elle

August 7, 2013 at 3:32 pm

Does the no contact rule work even for long distance? We started long distance and were long distance for over a year before I lived with him for summer with him before I started grad school. We had arguments over the summer but nothing crazy until two weeks before I was supposed to move home. He said he thought we’d be stronger after the summer and he didn’t think he could do distance. We haven’t talked for a week already but I was wondering, with 16 months before I finish my program, will no contact actually help bring us back together?

admin

August 8, 2013 at 2:19 am

Ah yes, it can be very effective in LDR.

Especially if you are used to talking to your ex on a daily basis.
Elle

August 8, 2013 at 10:50 pm

Do I follow the same texting directions you suggest? Just a couple of texts every few days?
admin

August 9, 2013 at 4:41 am

I am actually working on an ebook that does a much better job of teaching women how to communicate with their exes via text message. But for now, yes, the same texting directions.
Elle

August 13, 2013 at 12:30 pm

Can’t wait to read it! NC is incredibly difficult though. It’s been 11 days and I’m worried he has moved on because he hasn’t tried to contact me. After we broke up we spent two weeks talking like normal as if nothing had happened. Finally I called him and told him I couldn’t talk to him anymore so that I could move forward, that I loved him very much and would always be there for him but I needed to take care of myself right now. He said ok, but 3 days into our first NC he texted me a picture that reminded him of me. Like a fool I texted back but the convo was short, no more than 5 texts. After that I was determined to do the whole 30 days (got friend support!) but since then he hasn’t tried to talk to me at all, other than favoriting a tweet a few days ago. Has he given up and moved on? Should I just do the same?
admin

August 14, 2013 at 2:13 am

11 days into NC and it is wearing on you I can tell. What are you doing to distract that pesky mind of yours?

He could move on it is a possibility so lets just confront the big elephant in the room. Even if he moves on the chances of his new relationship lasting a long time is low. So, the odds are in your favor. Besides, scr*w him if he moves on. No one is better than you right?

Christopher

August 7, 2013 at 3:13 pm

I’m not sure about my situation, but I could use some advice if NC will work in my situation and how long I might have to wait because of the changes. But to make a story short; Last week was our anniversary, we saw each other, had fun, etc. We rarely ever fight and all week she’s been being the same old loving girl, she even told me she loved me, wanted to marry me, and that she missed me; including wednesday and thursday and even mentioned how she’ll see me the next day; Friday. We spend weekends together. We did live with each other for 7 months but she recently moved with her mom so she could fix some debt on her credit card. She normally calls me or texts me every morning when she goes to work, and on Friday she didn’t. She texted me later that day saying her car broke down and she had to call her friend to find a co worker that could take her home (her car is old and it broke down before). We see each other every weekend, and told me thursday she can’t wait to see me, but she couldn’t see me cause her car broke down. Everything was fine, however she didn’t call me that night like normal which I just ignored. She called me saturday morning to say sorry for not calling me that she got home and passed out because of how tired she was. She didn’t contact me the rest of the day and told me her mom needed to talk to her about something. On Sunday the next day I started wondering what happened, she wouldn’t tell me much. She told me that she needs time away. That shes been lazy on somethings and she wants to lose weight. But she didn’t mention what her mom said and why she’s so busy and not calling me or answering, and go in detail about why she needs time alone, she’s always told me everything and this was weird she wasn’t. I sent her texts saying I love her and she didn’t respond back. I got sick and wanted to know if I did something wrong, left a voicemail because she didn’t answer. Monday came, she left a voicemail back and she told me that I’m not a bad guy. But her mom needs her because of a divorce, and she needs to be their for her; she wants to reunite with her and gain back that relation she once had with her mom. After that she still ignored me and still told me she needed space. Tuesday came, and without full closure considering we didn’t fully talk since wed, I wanted to know what happened and to be honest with me. I wanted to know if we were still together, and if she still loves me; whats the real reason why you want time apart. She finally told me that her feelings have been coming up and down, and she doesn’t feel the need to come to my house anymore.. She apologized for the break up, said she was sorry, I told her I was sorry because I still thought I did something wrong. She told me that I shouldn’t be sorry, she should for how it ended.. Everyone told me that its all because of stress and her mom, that I need to give her a week to get things right and do NC, i really love this girl. She has been madly in love with me, we fight but very rarely, shes my bestfriend, and she loves me more than any other guy, I’m her first true love From what she told me from the entire year we’ve been dating. She wanted to marry me, and mentioned it on Monday (our anniversary) and like I mentioned above told me that she loves and misses me on thursday. Oh and her sorry through text was. “I’m sorry…” Idk what I should do. I want her back and I find it weird how it just changed in 3 days. From her loving me and being excited to see me, to the complete opposite. She has told me in the past that I’m clingy and she doesn’t like it but thats general all I could think that was wrong. My friend told me that its just all this stress and she felt annoyed but didn’t mean it. Shes told me mean things because that she didn’t mean. When we did fight she always came running back and apologized for being mean and that she doesn’t want to lose me. Advice?

admin

August 8, 2013 at 2:34 am

Hi Chris,

SWEET NAME BTW!

I would try NC definitely.

(sorry for short reply I am in a rush today but stick around and keep asking questions I will always respond.)
Christopher

August 8, 2013 at 5:55 am

How long do you think I should do no contact? My gut feeling is telling me that she will be back once she fixes the situation with the divorce of her parents, do you think she’s also extremely overwhelmed? And that’s why the sudden change in feelings or she didn’t fully mean it?
admin

August 9, 2013 at 4:10 am

I say try it out for 30 days like it says here. Give her some time alone to get things together.
Christopher

August 30, 2013 at 8:21 pm

It’s me again, another update. Its been a total of 3 weeks no contact. She just sent me a text saying, “I will be coming up to get the rest of my things sometime this weekend, maybe Sunday. Not sure yet. But I haven’t forgotten.” and I’m freaking out because of it.. Idk if its going to end in my favor or not.
admin

August 31, 2013 at 2:24 am

You are allowed to break NC to exchange things.
Christopher

August 24, 2013 at 7:46 pm

I truly hope so, I wonder that a lot. Since the 2 weeks of the break up I have changed a lot! When she broke up with me I worked as a waiter, had no car, I used to make YT videos but stopped, etc. Since the 2 weeks of the break up, new haircut and style. I started making videos again, got my car, I quit my waiter job and I now work in computing and tablets at best buy.. I moved forward with my life. I posted it on Facebook and her mom actually liked that status.. Also including the NC and how I acted when she got her stuff. I still hope there is a chance or if she’s the change. She still has my house key and stuff at my place obviously. Her and I were so close.. hope we get back.
Christopher

August 22, 2013 at 8:11 am

Another Update: This one scares me. Okay, so obviously she didn’t come get her stuff on Sunday, and I still kept with NC. A friend called and told me that she posted a FB Status on Monday saying and I quote. “Ever since I met you, everything is beautiful <3" However 5 female friends liked it, no comments. Also, there is no new friend requests or guys who liked it or guys who've posted on her wall. There is no real evidence of it being about a guy, it still says she's single, etc…. But it still worries me. I heard people say she's doing it to get my attention. Idk though, but it worries me. What is your take on it? It's only been 2 weeks.. she works during the weekday 7am to 7pm but she gets home around 8-9pm because her work is downtown. And the only thing I could think about is weekends but its only been 2 weekends.. If there was another guy wouldn't she take all of her stuff or make an effort too as well? She still has my house key too. Plus, I've been moving forward like I said and I mentioned that too you as well, and how she acted towards it.. Its just so fast.. what is your take on this? Is there another guy? Or is she wanting attention because I've stuck with NC? What do you think?
admin

August 23, 2013 at 6:22 pm

Generally speaking, women do not tend to move on quicker than males. I would stay NC. I mean, it is a possibility that she could move on I can’t deny that but the alternative to getting her back is essentially begging her and not seeming like a “man” to her. Stay NC she misses you dearly I am betting. Heck, she may even be wandering this site 😉
Christopher

August 20, 2013 at 3:04 am

Okay, just another update. So far this would be the 2nd week. I’m still having a difficult time and still no contact. I told you last time that she came over and I acted like nothing happen, etc. She told me during that moment she was going to get the rest of her stuff that following weekend (yesterday) but she never showed.. Is that a good thing or bad thing? She obviously still has a few things over here and she still has my house key.
admin

August 20, 2013 at 5:04 am

Keep strong my brotha!

Maybe she is too hurt to see you? In a week or so maybe you can reach out b/c now you have something to talk about.
Christopher

August 13, 2013 at 4:20 pm

Haha, Thanks. So I’m guessing those were good signs when it comes to getting her back? lol
admin

August 14, 2013 at 2:23 am

Well, I am not a mind reader hahaha but what you described doesn’t seem bad to me.
Christopher

August 12, 2013 at 4:15 pm

Hey Chris, Its Chris again. Okay, so she came by my house unexpectedly yesterday to get her stuff. I tried to be happy, confident, and the same way that I used to be when we first started dating. I noticed that the longer she stayed the more upset she got and also kept looking at me, like she was confused or analyzing me, it was almost like a puppy in trouble kinda look. I even offered to help her get her stuff, I even did a few things that I used to do in our relationship and she smiled a little bit, she said she was sorry about 4 times. She said something to me that shocked me, she said. “You look cheerful, I’m not used to it.” (normally I would be sad and stuff) She said shes coming by next week to get more of her stuff. She did tell me something too that I must point out. She always spoke about having kids with me.. she got her results from her pap smear results and she told me that she couldn’t have kids yesterday too, so I can tell shes going through a lot and Idk if that all has to do with her feelings towards me and its just a phase because of all the stress. We had a little bit of a lone time to talk too, I never mentioned the break up but instead asked how her mom was doing. I was wondering if her signs, and everything that happened if I did good on getting her back.
admin

August 13, 2013 at 2:54 am

I bet it felt good too!
admin

August 13, 2013 at 2:54 am

STANDING APPLAUSE FOR THIS MAN!

That was perfect bro I am proud of you.
Christopher

August 9, 2013 at 6:31 am

Okay, I found out what happened. She gradually lost feelings for me… it sucks but hopefully NC works. Any advice other than NC to gain back that spark?
admin

August 10, 2013 at 2:40 am

I would say just focus on improving yourself during the time and become an “alpha male.”

Vanessa

August 7, 2013 at 1:53 am

I am in a slightly odd situation. I am pretty sure that my ex’s job is transferring him out of state next month. He just told me he needed “space” or time to make sure that he could be the guy for me or whatever. Do I continue with the systematic approach to “getting him back”? My 30 days ends on the 28th of this month and as you know September is near. I do not know if he is leaving at the beginning or end.

admin

August 7, 2013 at 3:29 am

Hmm… you can shorten it if you feel it is best.
Kathryn

August 7, 2013 at 4:42 pm

I don’t really want to shorten the thirty days. More so the series of texts before the “meetup” I am doing the text your ex back program and I know you’re supposed to do a different “type” of text each week.
admin

August 8, 2013 at 2:21 am

Gotcha, well just food for thought!
Kathryn

August 9, 2013 at 4:00 am

So I plan on doing the full 30 days… Any suggestions for the time period for the series of texts before he leaves? Also do you have any posts on getting your ex back when it will be long distance?
admin

August 10, 2013 at 2:32 am

Hi Kathryn,

I don’t have a post on LDR yet. It is actually on my list to do though!

Kristin

August 6, 2013 at 11:07 pm

So my bf and I were together for 6 plus years, almost six and a half. We had some issues like when he emotionally cheated on me because of his depression issues and some other things and he told me he was scared to leave me and that he would always love me. He told me he would always fight for me. Anyway, he broke it off because he said he hadn’t been happy since January and we broke up in July. This seems to be a lie because we had some really good times and he was going to propose. He later said this was just because it was what I wanted. In between January and may he bought me Roses and jewelry and wrote me love notes. In may we started fighting because he was texting other women and I was insecure from the previous cheating episode. So we always fought about that. Other than that we only fought about little stuff. He tells me he loves me but isn’t in love with me and that he wants to be friends because we have been through so much together. I kinda freaked out a month after we broke up and begged him to take me back and he was angry and told me he was too stressed to never ask him again or he would cut me out for ever. He also said that he missed me but not the way I wanted him too, and that this was hard for him too because he was so emotionally invested. He told me that he would never get back together with me that it was too late and that I should have never gotten back with him after the cheating thing. He was my best friend and we had an amazing connection. He seems really confused. A lot of the issues between us were about him not having money to get me a ring and for him to pay his bills and still have money for us to eat when I visited him.

He told me that if I didn’t contact him, he wouldn’t contact me. So what do you think? Should I do the NC rule? I’m worried about it pushing him away permanently. I’ve done a few NC days here and there and times where I tod him I was busy. He just started a new job where he is making a lot more money, but he is still stressed from that. Should I use your rules to get him back because we do have so much history?

Please help!
Kristin

admin

August 7, 2013 at 3:23 am

Ok, lets tackle one thing at a time here. I would start with the NC rule. I think you should do it and no, it shouldn’t push him away. It might make him miss you but lets just use it so you can work on yourself and really evolve during the 30 days.
Kristin

August 7, 2013 at 3:58 am

I honestly don’t think I can do it for that long. Maybe the limited contact thing you were talking about? I have really changed and realized my worth and have lost 15 pounds. There already has been some good signs he misses me, like I sent him a pic asking about a bridesmaids dress I have to wear and I know he saw it but never responded. (He has admitted previously he is still attracted to me, btw). Also after telling him I’ve been busy for two days and freezing him out today, he watched a series of shows he fell asleep during when we were together on Netflix. We were bantering a few weeks ago and I said, “see you did fall asleep, you don’t know what you’re missing (about the show) and he didn’t respond until I texted him something else. The point being when I freezed him out he watched it!

Kristin
admin

August 8, 2013 at 1:47 am

Hahahah that is AWESOME. I love it when women get all strong like you are!

Lisa

August 6, 2013 at 6:56 pm

Dear Chris,

I have left a comment here on July 25, and thank you again for your response and help!
So this man broke up with me almost a month ago, but said want to stay as friends after we both calm down. He said he cares about me a lot and continuing the relationship is just not going to be healthy for me, but would check on me…During this time, I did not contact him. He texted me 4 times and called me once. I replied briefly, saying i am fine. The last time when he texted me asking how I have been,was after I asked my question on this page.. But unfortunately, I was not ready to do what you suggested – to hook him up with a conversation. I was at a party that night, so I simple said I am good, at a party with family friends, try new things…We usually had very little communication in the text. So I don’t know what to do and whether I had made big mistake in my last text…I would like him to ask me for a meet up.. I was wondering whether I should suggest that after the NC period is up (only a few days left until 30 days is done)? Or should I wait for him to suggest that?
The NC rule is not easy.. I have been through emotional up and downs during this period. And I think I finally calm down recently and am able to look at things more objectively and less emotionally – like what went wrong.. In the beginning of the NC, I really did not think that I will not be happy ever again without him. Now I guess I no longer think so.. I am determined to be happy and choose to do things that make me happy (shopping, biking, going out with girlfriends, playing piano, or just appreciate the nature and weather) even though I am sad and heartbroken. In a way, I appreciate or at least start to understand his decision although it came in a complete surprise to me.. During the relationship, I became to care about him more and more and started to lose myself, I probably started to be needy and clingy perhaps without realizing it myself :-(. Now I feel that “I” am slowly coming back to me… I really appreciate your articles with helpful advice and honest opinion, and have often come here for seeking strength and positive energy during the “dark” period.. Sorry for such a long post…

admin

August 7, 2013 at 3:08 am

No problem and thanks for saying those nice things!

Ok, usually you want to build rapport with him for a few weeks before you ask for a meet up or get him to ask you for one.
Lisa

August 7, 2013 at 10:57 am

Thanks for your reply! May I ask another question: after the NC period, should I contact him or should I still wait for him to contact me? Does it make a difference? He did say we will figure out a way to connect after we both calm down… I have not been open to him during this period excepting saying that I am good / fine when he checked in..
admin

August 8, 2013 at 2:05 am

You can contact him after NC period. Do it on your terms!
Lisa

August 9, 2013 at 3:11 am

Thank you very much!

Sarah

August 6, 2013 at 3:28 pm

I broke up with my ex for almost a month now. I was with him for a year and a half. It was great but we always have the same fight on things. I kept having doubts on the relationship and insecure as he was a player before me. Near the end of the relationship I felt really tired of him and start asking for breakups many time. He always comeback within a day. But the last time we break up he said he is hurt too much from hearing me wanted to break up all the time. I lost him.. He said hes changed already. I started begging and I guess I push him away further. I call him like once a week for the past 3weeks. He still answer my phone call but we don’t really talk, more like awkward silence. And the last time I contacted him was to ask him back again.. and he told me he doesn’t feel anything towards me now and he has already switch off his feelings. He doesn’t want this relationship anymore.
I just start doing the NC for like 8days but my birthday is coming soon. I don’t know what to expect and do if he text me or call me… Do I still have any chance on this? because I already kill it twice.

admin

August 7, 2013 at 2:59 am

Hahah just sounds like you are having some worries to me.

If he contacts you, you shouldn’t reply back.

Ashley June

August 6, 2013 at 2:20 pm

I’m on day 3 of no contact. 7 years together, 2 months to break up. New waay younger rebound gf. Biiig blow up over the weekend. In Sunday I initiated nc and he hasn’t tried until today. It said ” if something happens to me just know im not some heartless bastard like you think. i still care and i still think about you. im having a hard time ” I’m really reaching to not respond, but nothing I can think of is nice or appropriate so I think I’ll make it but ooooh this is hard. :'(

admin

August 7, 2013 at 2:54 am

Hahaha welcome to how hard the NC rule is. But great sign that your ex still thinks of you like that.

« Previous 1 … 123 124 125 126 127 128 Next »

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

6,800 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”