The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule- What Is He Thinking?

4,271 thoughts on “The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule”

Rebekah

November 6, 2013 at 12:09 am

Does no contact work if you are exes with someone over a year but stayed friends with benefits and now you want a relationship- he only talks to me on weekends if he wants to use me for sex but I want a relationship again.

Rebekah

November 7, 2013 at 2:33 am

When do I tell him this? Should I do nc first and then confront him about it Oslo he can see what it’s like without me or should I tell him next time he tries to hook up
admin

November 7, 2013 at 5:56 pm

NC first and then confront him calmly hahaha.
admin

November 6, 2013 at 5:16 pm

Well, you have to stop sleeping with him and make it clear that the only time you will do that is if you get in a relationship

So confused

November 6, 2013 at 12:03 am

Hi Chris,

I’ve talked to you about my ex before, we caught up over coffee two months ago and he wanted to do it again but then he blew me off! Without even a text to say he couldn’t make it. He was also acting really negative the two weeks leading upto that. You told me to go ahead with NC because clearly he was having issues with me but not mentioning it.

It’s been two weeks of NC now, I bumped into him that the gym the other day and waved to be polite. He waved back and said hi but I didnt want to initiate any sort of conversation with him.

I feel like he’s playing mind games with me because he went on instagram and started liking alllll my friends photos and none of mine. And he sends me snapchat every few days but he hasn’t initiated any sort of conversation with me. Is he trying to get a rise out of me?

I’m honestly so confused by his behaviour.

admin

November 6, 2013 at 5:10 pm

Definitely trying to and definitely succeeding hahahaha.
So Confused

November 6, 2013 at 10:13 pm

Hahaha I guess he really is since it bothers me so much. Should I just stick to NC till he contacts me?

Also, is it possible he just playing mind games with me because he doesn’t care for me anymore?
admin

November 7, 2013 at 5:32 pm

Yup pretty much! Stick to NC.
So confused

November 7, 2013 at 9:49 pm

Will do Chris!

He also invited me to his 21st birthday a few months ago and the party is coming up on the 22nd of November. Should I still go? Alot of my mutual friends will be there.

I think for one of your next guides, you should be about the reasons behind exes playing mind games and what their intentions are. I remember you saying you’ve had your fair share of moments in the past loll
admin

November 8, 2013 at 6:08 pm

Hmmm… yes I think you should.
So confused

November 12, 2013 at 8:53 pm

Hi again Chris!

I happened to bump into my ex at the gym yesterday and it’s been 3 weeks since I started my second round of NC. He actually came upto me, asked me if I was going to go to his birthday and even said he wanted me there!

THEN when I got home, he sent a very flirty text about him checking me out at the gym. After 3 weeks of no contact, and he texts me something like that? What is he trying to do?
admin

November 13, 2013 at 6:43 pm

He probably thought you looked really good.
So confused

November 17, 2013 at 7:55 am

My ex boyfriend texted me Friday night, a random message about not having changed my contact name on his phone. I replied to his text but didn’t initiate conversation with him because I am busy with final exams right now.

He replied to my text a day later and also asked if I wanted to hang out after my exams finished. Now i’m not so sure if this is a good thing because the last time we were supposed to meet up, he blew me off. I dont want to fall into the same trap again.
So confused

November 18, 2013 at 12:26 pm

We went on a date a couple of months ago and that went really good 🙂 He asked me out again after that.

But soon after that, he went cold and started giving me negative responses before blowing me off for our second catch up date.

Now he’s starting to act interested again after NC for the second round, is he just playing games with me? Like once he realises im not talking to him, that’s when he wants to hang out with me.
admin

November 18, 2013 at 7:08 pm

Maybe he likes your company and misses it.
admin

November 17, 2013 at 8:35 pm

I think its a good thing. Read this: https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/what-to-do-on-a-date-with-your-ex-boyfriend/

Cathy

November 5, 2013 at 10:00 pm

My situation may be a new one for you – what do you call this guy? Maybe an addition to your list of “types”?

The guy I was dating for 7 months recently went AWOL on me. There was no argument or anything – the last time I saw him things were perfectly normal, you know, the old “see ya later”, kind of thing. The first 2-3 days went by and I didn’t worry too much – we’re both single parents and simply don’t have the time to be in constant contact. On day 3 I sent him a “hey, how are you?” text, which he promptly ignored. Day 4 came and went, as did day 5, 6, 7 and so on. Somewhere in this period I sent a second text, again nothing weird, just asking him about something we had discussed possibly doing together over Christmas. No response.

Needless to say my fears are growing with each passing day. I tried to push away the thoughts of him wining and dining some hot babe and focused on staying cool, calm, and collected – no news is good news, right? But on day 10, I decided to call him. He sent me to voicemail. I called back and he answered, but brushed me off with the old “I’ve been busy” excuse. The call lasted maybe 2 minutes. No apologies, no explanation, just a massive brush off.

Admittedly, I sent him a snarky text after that because I was pissed and, in my mind, rightly so. Naturally, he ignored it. Day 12 rolls around and by now I am part livid, part hurt, part confused. I texted him several times that evening, then called multiple times too. He never responded or answered the phone. I didn’t leave any voicemail messages, but my texts were slightly desperate, begging him to let me know what was going on, put me out of my misery, don’t leave me hanging, etc, etc. The next day he texts me that my communication style was “simply not acceptable” and he didn’t want to spend his off-time with someone like me! Yikes! So, to summarize: he ignores me for 12 days, then gets pissed because I started demanding to know what was going on and dumping me because of it. I texted him back, asking if this was something we could discuss, and …. cue crickets 🙁

Needless to say, I am waving the white flag of surrender. Glorious defeat is mine. Apparently, he was running NC on me and I didn’t even know about it. Which is not to say I’m clueless, I just didn’t realize anything was wrong. But … having come very close to being a “gnat” I have finally thrown in the towel and am several days in to NC.

My comment here is this – the early days of NC are the toughest. I have circled a date on my calendar, 30 days from when he last ignored me, and I will absolutely NOT break NC before that time comes around. However, my feeling is that by day 30 I’m probably not going to be super interested in contacting him again anyway. Why would I want to pursue this spineless creature who treated me so poorly for no apparent reason? After 7 months, a person deserve to be sent packing IN PERSON, especially as we’re grown ups in our 40s.

So do you get feedback from women who, after 30 days, decide to cut these maggots loose? I would be willing to bet a lot of women have “moved on” by then and couldn’t care less any more…

Sincerely yours, Dumped

admin

November 6, 2013 at 5:05 pm

I think you hit it on the head with him running NC on you! hahaha.

Most women still want their exes back desperately after the 30 days

Stuck in a cycle

November 5, 2013 at 9:39 pm

Hey Chris,

I posted a couple weeks back and am back again. So a lot has unfolded recently and I don’t really know what to make of it. If you recall, my ex and I had been back and forth for nearly a year now going through these cycles of doing well but then I’d lose patience and question him as to where we were going. He had seen someone in the summer time and that didn’t end well for him and more recently, I found out that he had lied to me about taking another girl out.

SO, after I found out he lied to me, I stopped talking to him immediately and went about a week not talking to him at all. He called me about a week ago telling me that he’s going out with the girl he lied to me about (his friend described her as ‘ugly’ and his best friend said that he’s not ready for a relationship, even if he doesn’t know it. So I asked my ex if he was serious about this girl and he answered with “How serious can I be with her if I’m still talking to you”. He told me that was was scared of getting back together and he knew that I was different from before and knew what I did wrong while I was in the relationship. I told him that I thought he was making a mistake and asked him to reconsider before it was too late. I told him that what we could have is likely better than what he would have with her and he said I was being cocky (in a playful way, I think at least). I told him that I couldn’t just sit and watch him date someone else so I said goodbye to him, haven’t talked to him since, and unfriended him on Facebook. He also told me that he applied to policing in a different place and I asked him what he would do with this girl and he told me that he’s ready to just leave her because their relationship is so fresh.

After this conversation, his friend told me that my ex still cared about me and that I shouldn’t view it as he chose her over me but that he wasn’t ready to get back together with me and she was all that he had. His friends don’t seem to take this girl very seriously as the friend that did meet her told me that he had to get really drunk to be able to stand her and her friends.

What does this all mean Chris? Is it really over between me and him? Do you think it is likely that their relationship will last?

He has already seen someone else and still (kind of) came back to me. Is it truly an NC problem that he has to realize that nothing else will come close? I was doing well on NC until he called last week to tell me all that. Is there hope for me to get what I want?

Sigh, thanks so much for all your replies Chris. They’ve been really helpful throughout this time.

admin

November 6, 2013 at 5:00 pm

It isn’t likely their relationship will last. the question is how long will it last?

If you remained disciplined there is hope but also be smart about things. Don’t just sit and wait around for him.
Stuck in a cycle

November 6, 2013 at 6:07 pm

Hey Chris!

I have been trying to focus on other things such as work and meeting new people.

Is my situation really grave? And I might be jumping ahead but I don’t know what I’d do after 30 days of NC. Whether to initiate contact or not, especially if he’s still with this other girl. I’m also definitely a lot more weary about talking to his friends now and will definitely put on a happy, carefree face in front of them.

Thanks again!
admin

November 7, 2013 at 5:10 pm

I would say initiate the contact yourself.
Stuck in a cycle

November 8, 2013 at 6:18 pm

Hey Chris,

My ex messaged me today saying that he was sorry how he treated me for the last couple of months and acknowledged that it was unfair to me when I was just trying to be nice to him.

He said that he knows that I don’t want to talk to him and said it’s been hard recently because I am a big part of his life. He said he wouldn’t bother me anymore and to take care.

What does this mean Chris? I didn’t message him back because I’m only a week into NC since he called me last week. Is this good for what I want or is he ready to just let me go and chalk it up to I left?

To be honest Chris, without your replies and website I would be so lost. I am so thankful that I stumbled onto this site. You are really helping a lot of us get through some confusing and tough times.
admin

November 8, 2013 at 7:29 pm

He wants to talk to you that much is clear.

However, I think you should make him sweat a little bit.
Stuck in a cycle

November 8, 2013 at 9:54 pm

Hey Chris,

Does it seem more like he just wants me in his life as a friend and that’s why he’s just saying all this? Is there hope for us getting a shot?

And what about this other girl? I plan on continuing with NC, that’s the right thing to do right?
admin

November 10, 2013 at 12:13 am

Yes just continue on NC and let things devolp on their own. The more you force things the worse you will do.
Stuck in a cycle

November 7, 2013 at 3:45 pm

Does it seem like he really check out of this a long time ago and I just don’t see it?
admin

November 7, 2013 at 6:40 pm

Trust your gut on this.

Lisa

November 5, 2013 at 8:02 pm

Just thanks. I asked you about this in a recent post and you said you would be addressing it. Wow! You’ve given me more insight into what he may be thinking. Having a mans honest perspective on how NC is received makes actually doing it a little easier. Even if it doesn’t work out for me I’ve learned something valuable from your writing. Thanks again.

admin

November 6, 2013 at 4:50 pm

Well YOU are the reason I wrote it. I am always looking for more ideas.

Jen

November 5, 2013 at 5:54 pm

Can an angry/stubborn guy start missing you within 30 days though – that is the key question!

admin

November 6, 2013 at 4:35 pm

I think they can.. but they won’t make it known to the world.

Bethy

November 5, 2013 at 3:10 pm

Additional comments I want to ask you here is:
Getting Ex is full of tricks, strategies and mind games.
I used your precious methods to him for first time.
But he’s so keen on those relationship and mind-game experiences.
So “What after next” will be automatically printed in his mind this time.
That’s what I worry, Chris 🙂

admin

November 5, 2013 at 6:37 pm

Your worried about him seeing through what you are doing?
Bethy

November 6, 2013 at 6:10 am

I’m spending my time on work happily, work out, fun with friends, explore trips, attending social affairs, and post on FB only happy moments.

I wrote 2 paragraphs in comment box. But the comment above additional one seems disappeared.

(It’s our second break-up, second NC.
He was an angry guy in first break-up. But I followed your rules and text methods, I succeeded and we reconcile again (in Short Timeline).
1.5 months later, we had to face lot of negative effects for short timeline. Then broke up again.

Now on NC (2 weeks already). He is not angry this time. But he’s naturally kind of stubborn and selfish one. I believe he won’t initiate from his side during or after NC. I’m also the one who don’t want to start from my side.

The thing I worry is:
He’s so keen on relationship matters and mind games.
Tactics were used in first time, and he’ll notice “What after next”.
admin

November 6, 2013 at 5:33 pm

Wow! Thats amazing good job there during NC.

Well did you use all the tactics the first time around?
Bethy

November 6, 2013 at 6:14 pm

Ofcoz I did all of tactics of yours +(plus) my own psychologic tricks 😉 Thanks in advance with all my heart for that, Chris.
So what about your opinion for this second time? Can it work this time? How to handle? Any advices, please Chris.
admin

November 7, 2013 at 5:11 pm

Oh what are your psychological tricks?

I think it can but it may not work as well as the first time.
Bethy

November 8, 2013 at 8:18 am

Yep that’s why I ask you.
So what should I do Chris?
How can I deal with this second time?
Help !!
admin

November 8, 2013 at 6:48 pm

Be more specific. What would you like my help on specifically.

May

November 5, 2013 at 2:51 pm

Do men tend to speak to female friends a lot during this time to try divert their thoughts and feelings from you ?
Like I’m guilty of looking at his fb and some girl just comments on all his photos and stuff all the time – i deleted me fb now
He previous mentioned how this girl wants to get back with her ex anyway and she’s nothing but a nice acquaintance (type of meaningless friends everyone has nowadays) who cares only about beauty and boys
Is he just using her for company and chats because he has no solid friendships or security with other people ?

admin

November 5, 2013 at 6:34 pm

I think some of them do!

I know I certainly would.

Jane

November 5, 2013 at 8:32 am

Hi Chris, I really love and appreciate your work. You have really opened my eyes on handling men. Thing is after my breakup I did the NC and after 32 days I called my ex and he was still SO angry at me. You advised me to on NC again which I am currently doing. Its been 20days now in NC. He has never and not yet called me ever since we broke up. He is a combination of both stubborn and angry guy. Now Chris I am willing to go till 30days but still wondering whether he will come back and call me or whether he has moved on for real. He has been seeing this new girl for around 7weeks now. Help me out Chris

admin

November 5, 2013 at 6:26 pm

Sorry about him seeing the other girl I know that must hurt.

Let me ask you a question. Does he have any reason to be angry at you?
jane

November 11, 2013 at 9:54 am

Yea, it really hurts knowing he is loving her more every day. Ever since we broke up he just got angry and wouldn’t tell me whatever it is that I did wrong, even after begging him to tell me and apologizing for whatever it is that I did. Before I went on NC I had reached out to two of his close friends to see if they could talk to him on my behalf, and the two guys ended up telling him that I had sent them. This really angered him, because when I texted him after my NC he was VERY ANGRY and kept repeating that I should NEVER contact him nor his friends. Chris I think he is angry coz; (1)I turned to his friends for help and (2)still angry at me for something that I do not know of up to today. Chris it got to a point where I didn’t care anymore whether he would take me back, (I had decided to just let him be) I was mostly concerned with why he hates me.

I asked his older brother to try find out why my ex hates me with such immense passion, and whenever he raised any topic to him concerning me, my ex would get really agitated and affirm that he would never ever take me back, change the subject, call up his new chick on the phone and simply walk out. Its that bad Chris. Chris there is nothing as painful as knowing that there is someone who hates you with such passion. I think I am like an acid in his stomach/life. Whenever he hears my name it pains him a lot. The great love he once felt for me has turned into deep hatred. He even threatened to have me lose my job since he is the one that got me my current job. Chris this is how bad he hates me. I am now at a dead end. Please tell me, what should I do, should I still keep hope alive, should I just forget about him, should I aim to know why he hates me this much? Personally I do not hate him for hating me.
admin

November 11, 2013 at 6:38 pm

What do you want? What is it you want in you heart to happen?
Jane

November 12, 2013 at 10:16 am

I honestly want for us to get back together, but am still unsure about whether he will come back. Chris we’ve been apart officially for 10months, but we stayed friends until 2months ago when he went all hateful on me. Can such a long breakup as ours revive, bearing in mind that he is so in to this other girl, and what possibly can make him stop hating me and love me again? Personally am scared of texting him once am through with my NC, am afraid he’ll lash out at me again. Despite my fear of rejection and disappointment,I still want him back.
admin

November 12, 2013 at 7:28 pm

Well, there comes a time where you have to take a chance after NC!

Stephanie

November 5, 2013 at 6:25 am

I use the no contact period to observe their reactions. It helps put the break up into perspective, but I also use the time to evaluate the value of the relationship to me. Typically after a few weeks I get a clear feeling if I want him back in the first place. After not talking to an ex for a couple of weeks I either spent the time restraining myself from talking to him. Or I dreaded hearing from him. I think the women who don’t make it the 30 days short themselves.

Also, post break up I tend to go dark on all my social media. That way I don’t have to make any real decisions for a few weeks. To delete them or not? To respond to their message? The temptation of snooping to see if they miss me or not. Way too much information on social media to blur the bigger picture.

admin

November 5, 2013 at 6:11 pm

Check this girl out!

You are like a pro 🙂

anon

November 5, 2013 at 2:33 am

i dont think my ex is one of them. he has a new girlfriend a few days after i started the nc so i think it doesnt bother him whether i talk to him or not 🙁 what do i do now??

admin

November 5, 2013 at 5:52 pm

I think that you need to look at your situation and think if your heart is really in this. I will tell you that odds are they will break up in the future.
anon

November 6, 2013 at 4:58 am

most of his close friends told me that he isn’t really that happy being with her and since they knew each other for only a few weeks, they’ll break up sooner or later. they also said he only likes her but she loves him already. any hope?
ps she has 5 exes at such a young age ._.
admin

November 6, 2013 at 5:29 pm

The definition of a rebound!
Anon

November 7, 2013 at 2:31 am

I hope they are really in a rebound (omg im so evil)
But my ex is like the fighter type, he won’t let someone go so easily, he’ll fight for her till there’s really no hope. How long do you think they’ll last? I heard that his new girlfriend got grounded for failing her test so I guess they aren’t meeting up often? Nowadays he is playing his video games so I guess they don’t talk as much as we did before. Good sign?
admin

November 7, 2013 at 5:57 pm

Whats evil about wishing that?

Have you read the rebound guide?
Anon

November 8, 2013 at 12:56 am

yes. I’ve read almost all of your guides that are useful in my situation
admin

November 8, 2013 at 6:19 pm

Oh, don’t be afraid to read the ones that aren’t there are good insights in there as well.

Lovechips

November 5, 2013 at 12:54 am

Omg! Christmas came early for me. This site is heaven sent!!! Ok, so here’s my story..yikes! So I think my ex is the angry guy…Namaste! :-p When we were together, I could tell he was not over his ex, so one day we had a heated argument and I saw it as my chance to escape potential heartbreak, as I was starting to catch feelings for the guy. Anyways, I scurried out of his house after our argument and haven’t been back since. He tried to win me back at the time, but I knew he wasn’t ready, so I kind of ignored him. Nonetheless, we have been communicating once in a while with the majority of the communication being initiated by him. Anyways, recently I noticed that he began communicating much more frequently. His sister past away a month ago and he sent me a long text in the middle of the night informing me of the news. In turn I contacted him and tried my best to comfort him. Anywho, he came over about a week ago, and he could not keep his hands off of me and kept telling me how much he missed me and how his life hasn’t been the same without me.. nice! Anywho, we kissed and he was extremely turned on, but I just didn’t feel like it was right at the time, since it had been about 5 months since we had physically seen each other, and I wanted to take things slowly. He asked if I was seeing anyone, and I told him I wasn’t..which was the truth. So he felt he had to leave because he couldn’t resist me, and was practically ready to jump my bones. Side note: I had lost 20lbs since the last time we saw each other, so I was looking really good. (pats back) Anyways, so he left..blue balls and all… Ok, so here goes the reason that led me to this site.. He texts me the next day and completely goes bipolar on me and says “I’ve thought about everything and let’s just be friends”.. I responded, “I completely agree, because I’ve been feeling like that for a while now, take care”.. he responds “Well, I have a girlfriend that I’m in love with ever since you left me, and honestly coming to see you was just because of temptation” So I responded “I never left you, you weren’t ready to be in a relationship with me” he responded..”Whatever! You left me!! Let’s just stop all this. I am deleting your number now goodbye.” Yup, that was 2 weeks ago.. I didn’t respond to him after he said he was deleting my number (my pride wouldn’t let me)..and I proceeded to delete his number too. The truth is… I miss the guy.. we have awesome chemistry within and beyond the bedroom. It’s one of those rare connections where we feel connected even in silence. Anyways, help me out Chris..is their hope for me and this guy or should I pack it up, take the lesson and have a patron shot?… Is he trying to make me jealous? If I was “in love” with someone I could care less about my exes, let alone inform them of important things in my life, such as family deaths..doesn’t that apply to men too? …so much time has gone by, but he is clearly still angry with me for leaving, even though their wasn’t an inkling of anger displayed when we recently spent time together. I’m going to stay positive and go NC, and enjoy my life while I’m at it. If he doesn’t come back for me in a month..well, I’m forging ahead. Life’s too short. Anyways, your website is flipping awesome..thanks for helping in the healing process of our broken-hearts.

admin

November 5, 2013 at 5:45 pm

It sounds like there is hope definitely!

The fact that he tried to win you back at one point is an amazing indication that he has feelings for you.
Lovechips

November 5, 2013 at 6:16 pm

Thanks for responding Chris. Love is imperfect, but it’s much sweeter when both parties are working towards growth and staying together. Theirs plenty of love in this world, so if he doesn’t return soon, then love will find me elsewhere. Nonetheless, I will keep hope alive and update you on Nov. 30. NC began on Nov. 1. Again, thanks for responding. Very sweet of you. 🙂
admin

November 6, 2013 at 4:39 pm

Of course!
Lovechips

November 7, 2013 at 11:50 pm

Hi Chris! It’s Lovechips again… So I’m on Day 7 of NC, and lo and behold guess who I bumped into at the grocery store?…my ex’s brother!! Urgh! I had put away all reminders of my ex ever since I began NC, so seeing his brother was not part of the plan..sigh..anyways, my ex’s family liked me so he was happy to see me, but here goes the juicy part… His brother was asking me about where I had disappeared to because my ex kept randomly mentioning me during their conversations. Moreover, he tells me that my ex is going through tough times financially. This was all news to me, because my ex has never mentioned any of that to me..yikes! Anywho, it got me thinking about his attitude towards me when he recently went bipolar on me… Is he pushing me away because of his financial situation? My question to you Chris is….what is the mindset of a man in relation to his finances and being ready for a relationship? This is new to me because I’m normally the type to just move on when a relationship hits the snooze button, but with him it’s different.. I fully intend on starting to dating after the end of NC. I should have a date scheduled for December 1, right? Haha! Anyways, your help is and will be greatly appreciated.
admin

November 8, 2013 at 6:30 pm

Just only go on a date if you are feeling it.
Lovechips

November 8, 2013 at 8:17 pm

Thanks Chris… You are right. Who am I kidding? I’m not ready to date. My perspective on NC is changing as the days go by. NC is not about him. It’s all about ME. It doesn’t matter what’s going on in his life. That’s his life..and he’s a man, so he’ll figure it out on his own. I have to look at this as a long-term investment for myself, not him. When he comes back..and he will come back! (He knows what’s good for him..Ha!) I want him to be ready, so I don’t have to find myself in this predicament again.. (even if I do find myself here again at least I have knowledge now, courtesy of Chris.. Ha! 🙂 … Chris, the next time I update you, it will be about him contacting ME. Thanks again.
admin

November 9, 2013 at 11:56 pm

Hahaha you want to know something.

You are awesome. That is all I have to say.
Lovechips

November 15, 2013 at 10:41 pm

Thanks Chris! You are Awesome too. 🙂 You have helped me see the light!!! So here’s the update, as promised… my EX called last night and left a message stating that we need to talk. When I saw his number on my caller ID I literally just stared at my phone and watched it ring, but something was different. I wasn’t as excited as I thought I would be. During this NC period I have done a lot of thinking…I mean a whole lot of thinking. Chris, I had an epiphany! I had been so caught up in ‘chemistry’ and ‘connection’, that I blinded myself to who my ex really is as a person, and what I can and cannot deal with now and in the future. Anyways, hormones aside, I thought about how I felt when I was around him, his good and bad habits..etc..I realized that my ex never took responsibility for anything..zip..nada…nothing..It was always someone else’s fault (including his exes). I tried to play him at his own game, but he would completely flip out at the sight of any form of criticism. Moreover, he was moody 90% of the time, and with my bubbly personality I found it emotionally draining being around him. He has his good qualities too, but I realized that they only showed up when he needed something. In summary, it was always about him…not a good recipe for a relationship..yikes! Chris, forever is a loooonnng time, and I thought about he and I in the near future and came to the conclusion that I do not want him back. Yes Chris, you read that right! I’m closing his chapter in my life and forging ahead. I’m sure he will continue trying to contact me, but nope! I’m moving on. I’m going to continue with NC, and take sometime to work on myself before diving back into the dating pool. Thank you Chris…you have saved me from further heartbreak. I enjoyed your articles, style of writing and sense of humor. I will be back to check out your site for new material. Knowledge is Power!!! Haha! 🙂
admin

November 16, 2013 at 9:01 pm

Hey good for you. I just want everyone to be happy and as lon gas you are I feel I am doing good.

Ella

November 5, 2013 at 12:17 am

Hi Chris,

Can the angry guy ever start missing you on his own? Or will he be drown in anger and will need initiation from my part (after NC period of course) for him to maybe think of the good times we used to have? I am contemplating to actually go 2 months without contact because: 1. I don’t think I will be strong enough yet and 2. for the anger to dissipate, but will it?

admin

November 5, 2013 at 5:34 pm

Absolutely he can! He can start missing you.

anonymous

November 4, 2013 at 10:29 pm

Don’t you think that NC rule can also make an ex and you grow apart especially if it’s long distance relationship? I mean if it didn’t work out because of the distance but say it was only for a definite period like for a few months … well surely having NC all that time either or both would most likely move on :/

admin

November 5, 2013 at 5:31 pm

Its possible but hopefully your connection was strong enough for that not to happen.

Jessica

November 4, 2013 at 9:53 pm

So my no contact is over tomorrow. I am going to guess here that my ex is Clueless. With him admitting that he hasn’t had a g/f before me in a really long time and the fact that he didn’t know he had to get me something for my birthday…I’m pretty sure that he is clueless. So he is the Clueless no contact at all guy! 🙁 With that being said since he just moved to Austin in July I also think he wanted to have fun for a while after living in a horribly boring city, Tulsa. So maybe he is looking for other girls to date. I’m sure you may remember me, I’ve commented on your LDR blog a few times. One of his best friends is going to see him this coming weekend (after my NC is over) and said that I would most likely come up in conversation and that he will put in a good word for me basically. He himself said that my ex still has some growing up to do. With that being said I am not sure if I should contact him until after his friend visits him. What do you think? Thanks so much for your blog and advice!!! it has really really helped me plus I am proud to say that I survived NC with no slip ups.

admin

November 5, 2013 at 5:27 pm

Do it after his friend visits him.
Jessica

November 12, 2013 at 11:04 pm

Hi Chris!
So I got the scoop from his friends gf, who I am friends with and she said he asked about me, How I was doing, and his friend just told him I was doing good. They don’t talk that much anymore and they were going to a big music festival in Austin so I’m sure relationship talk was the last thing on their minds. Still not feeling so confident about texting him though. Should I start with a text that is more like “I saw this and it reminded me of you…” type thing or “So I was thinking…” type text where he has to answer? I haven’t thought of anything yet. Except for this fact that a girl I know got a HUGE tattoo down her side (and he hates tattoos on girls) and it made me think of him. But that is prob too negative. Still haven’t heard from him since the break-up call. I am back to going on dates with guys and keeping my FB positive and fun. A little shocked he hasn’t realized what he is losing yet. Also I have been in NC for 37 days. Should I give it more time? Just let me know your thoughts, thank you Chris!
admin

November 13, 2013 at 7:00 pm

I think you can break NC and try to contact him.
Jessica

November 15, 2013 at 9:50 pm

SO I finally decided to break NC and text him today on Day 40 of NC. I Followed your lead and said “Hey, remember the time we rode the trolley through downtown? Haha, I’m going to this Holiday thing tomorrow, was thinking of riding that and it reminded me of you. That was fun.” he responded about 8 min. later saying “Of course I do. That was a good day. Is the party on the trolley or you’re taking it to the party?” Then 20 min later he said “Hope everything is good with you.” I responded ab an hour later just saying “Probably just taking it around the area. Should be fun.” And then that was it he hasn’t responded and it’s been 2.5 hrs. I guess that the end of the convo. I wanted to end it but he didn’t give me a chance to! So next I should send a Meme? When should I do that? Do you think him saying Hope everything is good…is a bad thing like ok great hope everything is good still don’t want to be with you type thing? Please let me know your thoughts bc what I really want to say to him is Yeah everything is grrreat a**hole, it’d be a lot better if I were with you! ha. Thank you Chris!
admin

November 16, 2013 at 8:55 pm

Day 40 WOW.

Hmm I would engage him in a convo and then send the meme.
Jessica

November 17, 2013 at 5:09 pm

Soo last night I got deunk and at the end of the night text him “I miss you.” Ughh did I just ruin everything? Not sure if he’ll text back anything.
admin

November 17, 2013 at 9:30 pm

No way, its not even that big of a deal. Just next time have a friend guard your phone fo ryou.
Jessica

November 19, 2013 at 4:26 pm

Thank you Chris, I just want to say you’re the best for always answering us. It is soo helpful! He did end up answering me that night saying “So I didn’t know how to respond when I saw that text this morning. I miss you too of course.” That was 2 days ago, I never responded to him. I knew exactly what he was thinking (How do I respond to that since we are broken up?)So I wasn’t sure how to respond unless I said yes I know. He’s turning 33 Dec. 6th I think I am going to send him a card and with a small gift card in there to whole foods bc he always goes there. I think he just needs time to mature, even at 33 and realize what he does want in a woman. I’m not sure what the next step is…
Jessica

November 27, 2013 at 10:02 pm

Lol sorry. Should I send him the card or not? I think I am leaning toward sending it bc he won’t expect it.
admin

November 28, 2013 at 5:22 am

If it was me I wouldn’t send it BUT you know your situation better so do what you feel is best.
Jessica

November 27, 2013 at 6:00 am

I hope it’s ok I continue the thread. Like I said his Birthday is coming up. Dec. 6th he’ll be 33. Juat a refresher we broke up my birthday weekend and he got me no gift. Pathetic. Anyway after thei miss you text he responded 10 hrs later saying “I didn’t know how to respond wheni read that text this morning. I miss you too of course.” Soo for his birthday I was thinking of sending him a birthday card witha small gift card to Whole Foods bc he goes there all the time. The card says on the front “I know exactly what you’re thinking. … inside it says “a birthday card, you shouldn’t have! Well I did. Enjoy. ” Hope you have a happy birthday. Do you think this is a good thing to do just to show him I’m sweet? Well he knows I like doing those things anyway for friends etc. He already knows I’m sweet Hah. Just would like to know the thought process that might go through his head. He is a nice sincere guy so I don’t think he would think Oh I have power over her. Or would it have more effect on him to not send anything or even tell him Happy Birthday? And then him be upset I didn’t do anything? But then I think about he could have another girl there and I have to do something to make him remember me…?? Thanks Chris! :-/
admin

November 27, 2013 at 8:21 pm

Ok, thats a barrage of questions and I am not all there today haha. Can you just ask me one question and we go from there 🙂
admin

November 19, 2013 at 7:50 pm

I guess patience in that case.
Jessica

November 13, 2013 at 2:54 pm

I just really want him to contact me and miss me first…I’m just not sure if I should wait on him to do that. And confused as to why it hasn’t already happened!
admin

November 13, 2013 at 8:44 pm

Well only time has that answer.

And you need to wait a bit first.

Andreaax

November 4, 2013 at 5:40 pm

If the guy is a mix of almost all of the above, well, what then?

Or, I mean, he doesn’t talk to me, but he shoots in a text once every other week like this “So, was it fun hooking up with my best friend?” In a angry tone, even though I only spoke with the best friend. You know like, dramatic and passive angry ways to speak. What is that all about?

admin

November 5, 2013 at 4:53 pm

If he is a mix then deep down I think he would still like to hear from you but he is stubborn so you need to be patient with him.
Andreaax

November 5, 2013 at 9:32 pm

Patient how? Should I respond, or what should I do? It’s like he’s starting conversations to fight, doesn’t seem like he want to befriend me, but still talks?

justina

November 4, 2013 at 12:16 pm

My guy is the angry guy..Is 30 day no contact sufficient for angry guy??

admin

November 4, 2013 at 6:37 pm

It should be BUT you can extend it if you want.

Christina

November 4, 2013 at 8:06 am

Hi Chris,

Nice post!

I commented on another post of my ldr bf. He broke me up cuz he find fighting in ldr torturing, and resent me pushing too hard. I begged, but he sent mean msgs back. So now I’m doing NC for 10 days. His life is going as usual, and I felt he looks happy without the burden from the relationship.

, apparently his aftertaste is bitterness of ldr, not the sweetness before, which he says “we only have sweet moments on small things, but fight all time on important issues”, and he also used to say “after a break up, friends can totally replace girlfriends”, and now he is around friends all time? Is he angry, stubborn or clueless?

Thanks,
Christina

admin

November 4, 2013 at 6:37 pm

Maybe a combo of all three. But I also think that the “fake reality” type thing is going on with him.
Christina

November 4, 2013 at 8:08 am

My questions was: will NC work on him, since he’s living a happy life, and seems friends can perfectly help him recover.
admin

November 4, 2013 at 6:37 pm

Yup I think it can.

anonymous

November 4, 2013 at 7:51 am

I just wanna say thank you chris for all your guides! Here’s a virtual hug for you. HUGS! Hahahaha. i’m still in the midst of winning my ex back (just went on a lunch date with him) that date went pretty well if i do say so myself. i’m thinking of casually letting a few days of NC to see if he would initiate contact or ask me out. What if i don’t get a second date eh? What should i do next?

Anyway thank you for the hours you put into writing these guides! I probably won’t have made it through this far with my ex if it weren’t for you 🙂

admin

November 4, 2013 at 6:36 pm

Virtual hug alright!

Second date see if he asks you first. Just put your focus on buttering him up for a second date.

Your welcome. Comments like these make it all worth it.
anonymous

November 6, 2013 at 5:33 am

Trying to butter him up! I’ve been initiating contact these past 2wks. And while his replies sound enthusiastic. He has yet to make any first moves on me. I slip up a qns to him in a msg yesterday. Asked him if he still has feelings for me. He said “maybe, a bit”. How do i know if thats enough to continue to push through or i should just give up?
admin

November 6, 2013 at 5:30 pm

Just keep upping things then. You are on the right track.
anonymous

November 6, 2013 at 11:27 am

“Every time I talk to a woman that I am dating or a woman I am interested in I look at every single interaction as a power struggle. This is especially true when it comes to who texts who first and who calls who first.”

I have the exact same problem now! I’m also very stubborn when it comes to that. So i guess its not entirely a male thing. Hahaha.

Now that NC is over. How do i know if he’s just really being stubborn by not texting or calling me first or is he just plain not interested in me anymore?
admin

November 6, 2013 at 5:41 pm

Haha knew that comment would come back to bite me but its true.

Maybe its just a human thing when it comes to relationships.

Sandy

November 4, 2013 at 7:50 am

He’s in between the stubborn and the angry guy. He said a lot of hurtful and even disrespectful things to me when I broke up with him. So.. I think I just answered my question he’s the angry guy. He’s an amazing guy with a great heart but he definitely needs work with his anger issues. It’s been about 10 days with NC from both parties.. What exactly do I have to do? I mean I want to know more about the angry guy and his thoughts and so on.. It was a rocky relationship but there was def love there. Help?

admin

November 4, 2013 at 6:34 pm

But the real question is does he really mean those things or is he just saying them because he is upset?

Just keep the focus on YOU for now.
Sandy

November 8, 2013 at 3:27 am

Okay. WARNING: This might be long

So ten days went by without any type of contact. I was doing just fine, focusing on work, even doing double shifts. On day eight I had a really rough day, my mom got robbed and cops were involved it was just simply horrible. I was very tempted to look for him as he was the support I got used to. I decided not to call and deal with it on my own.

Two days later, my dad ends up in trauma and for some reason, once again I think of him. I called him but to sincerely let him know about my father and nothing more. He said he had found out about my mom and the whole situation since I had put it up on Instagram (which I wish he would’ve called to see if we were okay). He proceeded to ask me how I myself was doing and coping with everything, his tone of voice implied how I was doing without him. I simply said busy, working doubles and even picking up a second job. He somehow brought it back to us. He apologized for the way he reacted when I had broken things off, that he felt so hurt he felt the need to hurt me back and that he was very sorry. He said he doesn’t understand why I broke things off when everything was simply so fine and all of the sudden I did what I did. He even asked me if I was seeing someone else, if that was really the real reason. He mentioned how he couldn’t sleep the first few nights and he didn’t know why he continued following me on Instagram because every time he saw a picture of me it crushed him.

I had broken things off because I had told him I needed a break to figure things out financially within home, balancing out school and work. That was NOT the reason, and in the end it was partially true because I got very busy within that short amount of time I hadn’t spoken with him. My reason for breaking up with him or asking for a “break” was because I religiously/culturally cannot be with him. And as much as I wanted to wing it out, I want to avoid the drama and I saw how it was suffocating him the stuff I had to abide to which he doesn’t.

When I asked for the break I thought it would be easier to break up because he would think I would need the break and eventually get back with him when my intentions were to never return to the relationship. (I know it sounds bad, but I honestly don’t want him to resent my real reason, family, beliefs and cultural. I rather he spent the rest of his life hating me)
And he flipped saying he wasn’t a chump or the type of guy to wait around on the couch, he proceeded to say really hurtful things. (And another thing is that whenever he’d get mad, his personality would completely change and say very extremely rude things. I let it slide a few times even though I did not accept it because I can honestly and bravely say all are arguments came down to me, especially the fact of our differences in beliefs. I have a lot of pride and I want to be as respected as I would respect my partner, but I got fed up of someone always talking down on me when they were mad. I thought of the future and if it would always be like that, its almost a lose-lose situation with him. Regardless, I love him but I think of those situations when I miss him and I find myself NOT wanting to talk to him, and it makes me feel super stupid to even think of him because of those moments were things got heated between us. I feel that in that part, he put me on that pedestal.) anyways..

Well, he said he wanted to know my real reason behind it all. I told him I would call him back because nurses called me in to see my father. I didn’t reply to his call until later that night and he didn’t pick up. Minutes later he called me but i wasn’t around my phone. He left me three text messages. One saying he was showering when I called, apologizing for not picking up. He then sent me a YouTube link with a song. and then a third one saying for some reason that song reminded him of me. I didn’t reply until maybe two hours later asking if he was up. He said he was but he was out in a bar. So I said have fun. He said I can text you though. And then he said he hoped everything was fine with my father, and then he was attempting to write a full text saying that he wanted to keep in touch even though we aren’t friends and that we might not hang out and I guess he cut off and just sent it like that. I told him I didn’t think Id want to do that through text. If he wanted to say something to me or finish the conversation we were having during the afternoon to call me when he was ready. He said sorry and that he would call me tomorrow. Once again saying he hoped everything was alright with my dad, I didn’t say anything regarding my dad and just said goodnight. I kept cutting him off early.

Yesterday, I woke up to a text from him at 6am saying he hadn’t slept yet and that I was on his mind. I didn’t reply and went about with my day. Hours later he said hey. sorry about the drunk text last nights. No reply from my part and an hour later he said that he wanted to talk to me and finish yesterday’s talk, to call him when I could. “I work tonight” “So should we talk tomorrow””?” and I said “yes” and he replied with “k”. And finally, today I haven’t called or text him and neither has he done to me.

I don’t know what this guy is thinking. He completely attacks me the day we broke up saying the cruelest things and yes, I get I contacted him first but not for the reasons he thought. At some point after that, I wondered why I had called him.. when he has nothing to do with my dad. I recall him also saying that just when he was at the point of getting over the stage of missing me, I show up again. I don’t know, I feel like I can’t trust him and not because of other things but of the way he’s hurt me, verbally.

I’m here wondering if I should call or just let things be.. Its’s not letting me focus at all.

I feel legitimately stupid for feeling like this.

Btw, I’m 21, he’s 29 and has two kids who live with his ex. I would expect him to act mature and not backfire to every time I “hurt” him.
admin

November 8, 2013 at 6:43 pm

Well, this is one heck of a complicated situation.

You want to know my honest opinion. The age difference is contributing. YOu are at different places in your lives and he feels that.

He obviously doesn’t know how to handle a breakup though.
abby

November 5, 2013 at 12:30 pm

Chris!
my ex also like that! i mean, he is in the middle between angry guy n stubborn guy.. he did say mean stuff to me.. then i started the NC n after that i text-ed him on facebook.. he replied it straight up! Is that means that he miss me?

by the way, is there anyway ‘revenge guy’? because my ex seems like having revenge on me by commenting a lot on his female friends facebook.. and he seems like he’s faking his happiness..

what do you think?
admin

November 5, 2013 at 6:29 pm

Oh FOR SURE there is. Dang, I wish I had written about that Ahhhhh.
abby

November 6, 2013 at 9:02 am

well.. make a new one! about the revenge guy! and about the fake happiness.. and whta would he think after that.. 🙂
admin

November 6, 2013 at 5:37 pm

You girls are so demanding 😉 jk jk.
abby

November 7, 2013 at 8:42 am

no im not.. i just got excited if you will write about the revenge guy.. haha.. i don’t mind if you don’t want to write about it.. what is JK?
admin

November 7, 2013 at 6:23 pm

Just kidding = JK

Revenge guy its such a catchy title.
abby

November 8, 2013 at 9:47 am

aah.. i see.. 🙂

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