The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule- What Is He Thinking?

4,280 thoughts on “The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule”

Sir_Sleep

January 7, 2014 at 6:22 pm

I broke up with my girlfriend and realised the next day how much I actually wanted the relationship to work. I initiated the ‘no contact’ phase after desperately trying to repair the relationship for 2weeks, because nothing else was working and I had exhausted all other options. It was all going well, but 7days in I saw on facebook that she had met and started dating someone else. At this point I knew not to contact her and keep her wondering why I didn’t care….but I completely collapsed as I was drunk and angry and sent her the longest, angriest, most repulsive message ever. I instantly feel deep with regret and knew I’d completely failed the second it sent, so I immediately started to apologise. I continued trying to make amends for the following 7 weeks….slowly things got better. But one day she woke up, got annoyed with me for speaking to her friends and told me to never contact her again. Things got a bit messy the next time I saw her out as one of my friends went over and gave her and her friends some hassle for ignoring me. We’ve talked since, but it wasn’t exactly the most civil conversation and she’s told me she wants nothing to do with me.

I guess what I’d like to know…..is this another ‘no contact’ arrangement or is it really too late? I fear I messed things up the second I sent her that horrible message just a week after ‘no contact’ as things have spiralled downwards ever since. I was so close to keeping my cool and not making contact that night, I cannot forgive myself and don’t know what to do! Her friends and family now all seem to hate me too….
Bryn

January 6, 2014 at 5:24 pm

So I caved because I just wanted to apolgize for the way I handled things and telling him I respect his decision and I am taking this time for myself. He did not respond or anything . And won’t answer anything . Did I completely f this up? Does it mean that he just completely okay and doesn’t want anything to do with me?

Bryn

January 7, 2014 at 2:32 pm

Okay, update. So, he actually wasn’t ignoring me. He ended up calling me to tell me his phone had been off because he has been working a lot. Kept the conversation short and end convo. He then actually texted me later that night to see if I still had his contact solution. Funny, because why wouldn’t he just go buy a new one. He sent me 5 text messages in a row then tried calling me once. I did not respond. Until he wouldn’t stop, so I just kept it short and said no I tossed it sorry. he just said okay thanks anyways and I did not respond. Hope I did okay.

Malvika

January 5, 2014 at 2:18 pm

Hey Chris…

I have a weired situation. We were attached to each since last 3 years… He has always called me the best and the perfect one for him. But he found my argumentative nature very bad and hence inspite of realising that I am the best one for him he moved away. We have been in a very on off communication since last one year… Though I was not aware earlier but few months back I came to know that he has committed himself to another girl whom he was parallely dating… I am insanely in love with him.. I was in a great shock to know this… We still were in conversation and he himself acknowledged that he is still attached to me and finds me better than any other girl.. But now as he is committed he can’t do anything… A month ago he met me twice and even was emotional with me… He said that he knows how much I love him but he has committed and has nothing left for me… Though he still says that I am the best for him but because he committed he can’t be with me… He is just keeping his words with the other girl… Now to push me away he became extremely rude to me and was very harsh in words … He knows and acknowledges that I love him insanely and will never marry and wait for him.. But still he can’t break his commitment …. He has blocked me from FB and WHATSAPP but yes not from calls or regular texts… We last had a very bad conversation on 30 th Nov and since then we are in a No Contact phase … I stopped texting him or calling him …, recently I called him to wish New year… But he didn’t pick and disconnected. I texted him new year wishes but he didn’t respond… It was a 30 day No contact but nothing worked… I am clueless … I am insanely in love with him and don’t know how to bring him back.., please help…,
Maddie

January 5, 2014 at 4:43 am

So I failed no contact twice after starting it two weeks after my boyfriend broke up with me, I was a total text gnat for the first week or two trying to figure out what happened and to sort through the WHY. He seems adamant that he doesn’t want me back, saying stuff like “you’re an incredible person, I don’t regret dating you, but you’re not the one for me and I’m not the one for you” and stuff, but we were completely and totally fine up until five days before we broke up when he started acting all weird so I asked if he needed a break to kinda sort through it, and he said yes so I gave him some space. I’m only 16 but I felt really connected to him, he mattered the world to me and I guess I just want him back really badly. It’s been a little over a month since we broke up. He will respond if I text him but he won’t text me first, even though he said he was sure he wanted to remain friends. He said the reason we broke up was because he just didn’t feel it anymore, I’m just wondering if there’s any hope I guess as I am basically just starting no contact now (I found your site today, it’s brilliant by the way) and I had been a huge hyperemotional text gnat in the first few days, and what would you have me do? I should add we didn’t fight very much at all, we dated for nine months and had good communication about everything and stuff. :/
Ally

January 4, 2014 at 6:39 pm

Update on the comment I just posted. I decided to send him the name of the song and he sent me a song back. I feel a little better but still not sure what to think or do next :/
Ally

January 4, 2014 at 6:21 pm

So I wrote on here a few days ago and decided to start my first text.
This is how the convo went:

ME: I have a confession to make…
HIM: ?
ME: I was listening to music and this one song made me think of you for the first time in a while I think you’d like it. It actually made me smile!
HIM: Is this the part where you say a song that talks about how the guys an asshole
ME: Not at all, I’m being serious
HIM: Ok well I’m happy for you. And if we are being honest, it was my friends who texted you on new years I wouldn’t have done that on purpose because I wouldn’t want to be a dick like that.
ME: I just wanted to show you a song. See you around maybe.
HIM: Well I mean obviously I’ll see you around. And I mean you’re the one who has to show me haha…

I just didn’t answer after that because I was a bit discouraged 🙁 Idk what to do next!

admin

January 4, 2014 at 6:35 pm

Well, it wasn’t the best interaction.

However, look at the positives. He is responding. Take about 3-5 days before you reach out again.

Bryn

January 3, 2014 at 12:28 am

Hi Chris, I am really excited I came across this site. I could def use a guys perspective!
I am currently in the NC stage, 7 days strong. My ex and I had been on again off again for 1 year and half. Basically, he has difficulty committing but then always comes back, however, I am usually the one that initiates it. One time he did initiate it because I didn’t speak to him for two weeks. The other times I would reach out after a week and he would miss me too but then back into our hold habits. So I am trying really hard to just not do that anymore and if he wants to talk to me then he will because I know he has in the past. He did say that he would reach out to be again. So do you think as a guy he really will? This last break up like our other ones usually ends up me being really upset and begging and doing days of texting and him getting angry. He did say things when he was angry that were mean, do you feel this was just out of anger and he regrets it? I also did not text him on NYE which was very hard and I was miserable. But, I feel that he was probably expecting me to cave and email or text him but I stayed strong. Do you think he was surprised by this? Or maybe a little upset? Lastly, during this break up he said that he loves me and always will love me because of what we have been through, but he doesn’t know if he is in love with me. When I asked him if it had to do with our fighting and back and forth and he said yea and that he needs this time to see how his heart truly feels and this time for him. Do you think he really fell out of love this fast?

admin

January 3, 2014 at 7:52 pm

No but I think his feelings have changed a bit.
Bryn

January 4, 2014 at 12:43 am

Because he did say at one point he misses me but needs this time
For himself. He doesn’t have a job and wants to get into therapy for
His own personal stuff .
Bryn

January 4, 2014 at 8:14 pm

Any thoughts on if you think he will reach out again? Please help!
Bryn

January 4, 2014 at 12:38 am

Do you think he will still contact me ? Do you think his feelings could come back ?

Lucy

January 2, 2014 at 9:17 pm

Could you possibly do a guide that outlines a man’s reaction to no contact when he is already dating someone new or has a new girlfriend? Does it change at all?

admin

January 3, 2014 at 7:46 pm

I will put it on the list!
H

January 8, 2014 at 1:52 am

And if he is in a rebound relationship? Pretty please, thank you!

Deepali

January 2, 2014 at 2:30 pm

Hey Chris,

My boyfriend broke up with me 5 days back over an argument. I was the abusive, manipulative and exploitative partner in the relationship…did such horrible things that even my friends say they wouldn’t date me. The final straw was when I abused his parents infront of the rest of his family. I truly repent everything I’ve said and done and know my chances of getting him back are more than slim but I do love him and have been trying to change for the better.

The last time he contacted me was when my mom asked him to, out of respect, only to tell me that he doesn’t want a girl who disrespects his family and sounded very very very angry. What complicates this issue is the family. I guess they would never forgive me and am sure he doesn’t want to look like a fool by taking me back.

I’m 2 days into NC now but with doubts. My friends say that NC for 30 days is a bad idea as he would think that I’ve moved on (which he is very likely to). Besides, he is leaving the country by the end of this month and once he’s out, there’s no way I can contact him (he’s blocked me on everything possible).

Is there any solution to this?

admin

January 2, 2014 at 6:45 pm

Well, the decision is up to you obviously but I think its a good idea.

Ally

January 2, 2014 at 2:15 am

Hi Chris!

So long story short me and my ex broke up in September but were still basically seeing each other until the end of November. Then we had what felt like another break up. I did the NC rule before finding you website, during that we he texted me on Thanksgiving and I responded (my mistake). 30 days have been over since that point and he didn’t wish me a Merry Christmas but on New Years he texted me saying “happy new year” in which he responded saying “we never talk.” I never responded because it felt like such a dumb thing for him to say to me after everything and now I am completely stuck on what to do!! Do I try talking to him in a few days or do I wait to see if he says anything else? Please help and thank you so much for this great site!

admin

January 2, 2014 at 6:32 pm

Try talking to him after a few days 🙂

Nat

December 31, 2013 at 1:09 pm

Hi Chris,

Well I’m proud to say that I’ve made it past the 30 day mark on your NC rule, only read this for the first time tonight and had to pay myself on the back after I read about the NC stage.

Now that I’ve counted, my ex and I split up 57 days ago, and haven’t made any contact since, he even blocked me on Facebook, which I’m not taking personally after reading one of your replies to someone that, that means he’s thinking about me, then again, he blocked me the day I moved my stuff out. What I’m dealing with, is the angry guy, repeatedly told me on the day we broke up he didn’t love me anymore, didn’t miss me when I wasn’t there, and didn’t wish I was there when I wasn’t, he reminded me of all of this when I returned 3 days later to pick up my stuff, when I asked him about working whatever issues there were, out, he said it would be like beating a dead horse. I’m still convinced that after our petty argument, he broke up with me out of anger and frustration and just needed some space, he disagreed. 3 weeks prior to our breakup, he told me he was putting money aside to get me a puppy for Christmas, because by Christmas, we had planned to be living together, (I learned about the puppy in October, broke up in November) he also told me he wanted to marry me, and often thought about asking me, all this, and then some, is why I thought he was just a little suffocated and needed his own space. We had a pregnancy scare months prior, and I was the nervous wreck, while HE was the calm one and said he wouldn’t mind having a baby with me. So by November when he pulled out the “I don’t love you anymore” card, I don’t buy it, he also claimed he felt that way for months, (but you still asked me to move in and get puppies??)but 57 days later, neither of us have contacted the other, and I’m “scared” to, because of his reaction, and his stubbornness, that it won’t smooth over too well, I also can’t stop thinking about what he told me a long time ago, which was, “if we ever break up, which I don’t think will happen, I can kinda see our future, but anyway, there would be no point in working things out, relationships end for a reason.” So if you have any input that could help me, I would really really love that!!! Thank you!

admin

January 1, 2014 at 11:12 pm

Congrats on making it pas NC!

I know he said that comment but trust me… if you can really reignite his feelings youd be shocked at how little it meant.. which I guess is not a good thing if he said something and didn’t mean it….

I don’t know, guys are werid haha.
Nat

January 2, 2014 at 3:21 am

I texted him last night after the ball dropped saying “happy new year! : )” he responded “happy new year to you too” he replied pretty quickly, I then asked him if he had a fun night, no reply, and that was it, so I don’t know if he replied to be polite, or if I really Caught him off guard after almost 2 full months of no contact. And what’s my next step? I’ve read a few of your entries and I don’t know if it’s a good idea to send another message. But he replied and I almost fell over!

jass

December 30, 2013 at 6:12 pm

my boyfrend cheated on me. when i came to know i broke up with him with heavy heart. he was ok with the breakup and didn’t even apologise for whatever he has done. i totaly cut off with him like no text no calls nd no meeting anywhere. after 34 days he texted me on whats app but i didn’t replied. he again texted me next day 3 times but i replied very rudely nd said that i don’t want to talk to him nd i hate him. he then have deleted his account. i just want to know if he may have some feelings for me.

admin

January 1, 2014 at 10:32 pm

May I ask your reasoning for wanting him back if he cheated on you? Was the cheating a one time thing?
jass

January 2, 2014 at 4:53 pm

i want him back because he means everything to me. i don’t know much abt his past whether cheating was for the first time but i know he was commited to a girl years ago who cheated him. one thing more he become angry when i said i hate him nd when i sent him new year wish he just replied with “why” and i said it just a new year wish but he didn’t replied but sent me a msg last night when i replied this morning again no reply. i don’t know what he really want.

june

December 30, 2013 at 5:23 am

So, even if your ex has not contacted you during the NC period, it’s still ok to initiate after the 30 days?
Leighanne

December 30, 2013 at 5:09 am

Hi Chris,

Unfortunately, my ex is the ”stubborn” guy. So I’m not sure if should hold out hope he’ll contact me. I’ve been in no contact for a week now, I started because he was ignoring me and I realized my only hope is during NC he’ll miss me… From all your experiences with this site, do stubborn exes ever really actually contact during NC?

Thanks
Aslyn

December 29, 2013 at 7:10 pm

My boyfriend just broke up with me a little over a week. The first week is the toughest. I’ve been reading all your stuff and it makes sense. What’s even harder is that when he broke up with me he said he had feelings for someone else. Which means “rebound relationship”. We were only together 5 months and you stated the longer you were with them the better chances you have of getting them back. I agreed that the break up was best for both of us. When he broke up with me he said we shouldn’t talk atleast not for awhile. He is the type that hates to be ignored. I want to apply no contact because right now I have so many mixed emotions after what he said. I was hurt that he didn’t even tell me he had feelings for someone else but that he wanted to stay single. What hurts the most is he was scoping this person out before he left me. We were suppose to celebrate Christmas with his family and everything.

I wanted to know if I have a shot at getting him back. He told me he liked me wanted to still be friends I said no so I lost him completely which is even harder for me. I was bad and texted him on xmas no response. I now I see why no contact is important.

So I want to no if I still have a shot? We were great together and can talk for hours and really talk well about issues that arise without blowing up at eachother.

Will he even miss me even though I texted him a few times and he is with someone else?

Also I read how to get your ex to text you but the I read how to get your ex back if he has “gf”. So what kind of plan and what type of texts should I start out with first?
I went through and wrote down a lot of great memories, but than after reading that other article I wasn’t sure how I should start it and write now I want to develop my plan While completing 30 no contact.
He is also shy when t comes to worrying about what I think so he may not contact me at all now because I agreed with him and told him I might need a lot of space and time.
So when I do contact do I do it on the 30th day or after that?
and what should I start with since he is in a rebound relationship?
Do you think I have a shot at getting my ex back?

admin

December 30, 2013 at 7:57 pm

Have you read my page on rebounds?

And of course I think you have a shot!

Susanne

December 29, 2013 at 4:10 pm

Hi Chris me and my ex bf broke up a year ago, he broke up with me a lots changed since then we went through the friends with benefits stage, then didnt talk for months. We are now texting again just as friends as this is all he wants. We dont text often just a few exchanges every couple of week. I asked him about meeting up he doesnt want to as he doesnt want to hurt me again. Im a different person now i went through the whole wacko emotional begging stage im so much happier but i still want him back im just wondering if i do the NC rule with him will it actually work?? or will he even know if anything is up as we only text every couple of weeks or so. Is the strategy of a way of me doing the NC like telling him i need space or something.?
tiana

December 29, 2013 at 3:20 am

I am working through abandonment issues and insecurity issues stemming from growing up amid domestic abuse. My ex boyfriend is aware of this. He really liked me, chased me hard and treated me very well, but every 3rd time we were together I would pick a stupid fight about nothing or suggest breaking up for silly reasons to see how he would react – whether it would push him away or he would reassure me that he was crazy about me or would fight hard for me. This was selfish, insecure, immature and unfair of me and I now realize this – it was more subconscious at the time but I now recognize how wrong it was and never want to be that way again. He was my best friend and he connected with me in a way he never has with other girls as well. But there’s only so much a person can take and eventually my ex boyfriend got tired of resisting breaking up and agreed with it…I immediately realized I had been stupid and said I was sorry and didn’t mean it but it was too late and he had finally had enough. Two days later, I pretty much begged him to give me one chance to treat him well from now on and promised that I meant it, as he knows I am someone who always keeps my word. He said that we get along so well and kept insisting that he wants to be there for me and stay good friends but that he doesn’t want to be my boyfriend. I kept fighting for him to give me one chance to be better and then he said that he didn’t see the same future with me anymore…so I accepted and said goodbye, and he kept pressuring me to consider friendship, and I said no thanks and wished him well. The next day he sent me a good luck text for an exam and I didn’t respond. I saw him at school 3 days later and he smiled and paused as though waiting for me to initiate conversation — I just smiled, said hi sweetly and kept walking by as I was heading to the room of an exam we were both about to take. I caught him looking at me fro across the room a few times before the test started…I guess then that means he caught me looking at him too. He knew it was my last test and that I would be graduating and leaving town for 2 months after the test. After the test was over, he stood outside the front door building lingering with his friend for awhile, so I avoided leaving the building until after I could see that he had finally gone. We never spoke again after that. I flew out the next morning. A week and a half later I found myself still missing him terribly and feeling powerless about it, since I was already in No Contact and he wasn’t reaching out or anything, so I decided it would be best for me to block him on Facebook so I didn’t feel tempted to look at photos of him and torture myself. The next day I got a call from a RESTRICTED number, which I have never gotten before, so I ignored it and wondered if maybe it was him. I suspect it was, but I cant be sure. Then today (3 days after blocking and 2 days after the missed RESTRICTED call) he texted me saying: “you defriended me on facebook? really??”

1. Do you think he regrets the break up or is just offended?
2. Do you think he will contact me again if I ignore his text and continue No Contact?
3. Do you think there is any chance that my ignoring him will result in him begging for a second chance for us to do things right?

I just feel we are perfect for each other as long as I don’t pick dumb fights for no reason ever again — which I am prepared to do!

admin

December 29, 2013 at 6:59 pm

I think at one point the two of you will talk again.

I also think that ignoring him via NC can be very effective.

Dori

December 28, 2013 at 4:11 am

Hi Chris, I am directed to be here from the LDR page. The above seven do not quite fit a description of him…
I am wondering if any of the guide is actually applicable to him. Since he is a French and he stresses repeatedly that he does not think romance in an Anglo-Saxon way…
My ex did mention before he thinks it is quite uncivilized to block a person. So I have already announced to him I would like to cut contact. And since then, he never contacts, not even to my announcement email. And after our breakup, we had an argument over the emails (of a false accusation he made against me), back then I had not heard of NC, but was so angry so just decided I needed this guy out of my life for good. I ignored him but he kept apologizing, but I eventually gave in and said I forgave him, and I told him I struggled to cut him off that’s why my reply was lagged. And he was like it was a bit uncivilized and he was worried that I had some accident, I should have told him if I made the decision and he would leave me for good (that’s why the later announcement email).
I remember that’s what his ex doing to him as well and he just said he felt sad (or might be he missed her (hence the breakup with me??) he just did not admit to me)
Monica

December 28, 2013 at 12:13 am

I’m just finishing up day 5 of no contact. In the section about NC, I asked whether I should send Merry Christmas/Happy New Years texts, and you said no, but you bet he’d send me one. Well he did (and I didn’t answer), so you were right, yay Chris! Anyways, I know it’s only day 5 but I have questions flying around in my head:

1. He is the kind of guy, that if I don’t talk to him, he’ll more likely than not think that I don’t want to talk to him and I’m moving on, even though I told him before NC that I wanted to work things out. Could that be a possible mindset? And is there anything I can/should do about it?

2. Also another mindset… what if he decides he’s happy single, even after almost a year and a half with me? He told me I was his first serious girlfriend, one other was 8 months, tops, I think and the others, not even that. He was the kind of guy that had enjoyed the company of many women, if you get me. So what if he decides during this period that he wants to go back to his old ways?

3. And what about after NC, what if when I’m trying to open up communication again, he asks me why I ignored him for a month?

admin

December 28, 2013 at 7:42 pm

Hahhahaha I get all the questions flying around. It is scary to do NC but the truth is that it is the smartest thing you can do b/c more likely than not he is going to realize how good he had it with you.
Monica

December 29, 2013 at 4:05 am

He just blocked me on twitter, Instagram, and Facebook and I did absolutely nothing to make him mad. I put up a status about how I was going to see a DJ in NYC tonight and about 35 min later he put up a status saying something like “screw it. I’m sick of being home for so long. Goin out and having some fun”. I didn’t mean for the status to make him mad, I was just updating. Why would he block me?
admin

December 29, 2013 at 7:00 pm

Its just a guy thing. Don’t take it personally. If anythign it just proves he is thinking about you.
Monica

December 30, 2013 at 12:08 am

I really just want to say thank you, Chris. you’re so amazing for answering all of these questions that everyone has. I know I’m the kind of person that, if I have a question, I’m gonna ask it and it gives me a peace of mind that there is a real guy with real guy thoughts (gasp!) answering them. This entire site has already done so much to help me, even if it was just to snap me back into reality if I was diving into a negative spiral about my entire situation. I just KNOW my ex and I are going to get back together because of the materials that you’ve provided me. I’ve already read your book a couple times and I’m genuinely excited to implement the steps.

I’m sure I’m going to have some more questions to throw at you soon, but for now, I just wanted to express my gratitude! 🙂
admin

December 30, 2013 at 8:26 pm

Express away!
Monica

December 28, 2013 at 4:58 am

Ugh. ugh ugh ugh ugh. I caved. 5 days in, Chris, and I caved. This is what I just texted him:

“Hi Johnny”
“Just hoping you had a good Christmas and wishing you a fantastic new year. Have a good nightt :)”

(i’m one of those people that is sickeningly nice, and I hate it)

His response was neutral as far as I can tell which was: “Same to you”. It wasn’t angry or negative, because when he’s mad, he’ll use periods. Did those two texts ruin everything? Was the neutrality a bad sign?

I was SO weak just then and I regret it SO much. 30 days plus another 5 of NC for me!!

Krizia Gonzalez

December 27, 2013 at 11:36 pm

My ex and I broke up 3 weeks ago. We dated over 2 years and recently just moved to Florida together. We live together. I cried, I begged, I looked desperate and he said some terribly harsh things. He’s seeing someone new, someone he works with who is telling everything he wants to hear. and is lying about it and while I’ve been in Another state for the holidays I found out he’s been bringing her to our apartment. We were fighting a lot about money and he says I brought him down about chores. I miss him and care about him deeply. How do I do the no contact rule while I live with him? I am moving out but I need a month to find some place. I haven’t tried to contact him at all during Christmas or anything but he is suppose to pick me up from the airport.

admin

December 28, 2013 at 7:31 pm

Well you should contact him if he is supposed to pick you up.

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4,280 thoughts on “The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule”