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Lynn
August 12, 2014 at 3:15 am
Does NC work even with a guy that wasn’t my boyfriend? Long story short, I reconnected with an old flame after many years. We had lost touch and he has been going through some tough times following a horrible divorce. He is the one that looked for me. We talked a few months back, met up, and texted on a daily basis until I had asked him if this was going to go anywhere because I had developed feelings for him and wasn’t sure where he was at emotionally. He said he had feelings for me too but with what was going on in his life he just wasn’t ready for anything with anyone. We stopped talking after that. ( he is the one that did NC). Months later I sent him a message on his birthday and he responded and we started talking again. I had told him about how it did upset me that he didn’t speak to me for months but he said it was the best thing he could do because his life is messed up but he’s working on it and didn’t want to hurt me. We continued to talk for the last couple months but I realized it was me that was texting first. We’ve had some deep conversations and he says I know more than anyone in his life right now. I realized I became clingy and needy and I apologized but I was afraid he’d just walk away again. He said he wasn’t disappearing, he loves our connection, he’s just so overwhelmed with his 2 jobs and when he’s stressed he shuts everyone out. The last thing he said to me is that he does want to see me. But whenever we have tried to make plans before he needs to “reschedule” because of work, stress whatever. I have not responded to this text he sent 4 days ago and am trying NC, so he can deal with his issues. I am just afraid that if I stop reaching out he’ll forget about me completely.
admin
August 12, 2014 at 12:24 pm
I suppose it can but I’d say that it’s less effective.
Lauren
August 11, 2014 at 4:49 pm
I need help. My boyfriend and I have been together for 10 months. We got very serious very quickly. I started sleeping over his house every single weekend from the beginning. We have talked about marriage, kids, everything. I am 24 and he is 26. It is my first serious adult relationship, and he has had a handful before me. Long story short, the past 3 months of our relationship a lot has happened that was out of our control. 1, his grandfather died suddenly of cancer who he was very close with. 2, I got really sick with a terrible terrible migraine for a week, he had to take care of me and take me to the ER. 3, his sister and I got in a huge fight and now she hates me (who is crazy and they don’t even get along, she is actually best friends with his ex) His sister was living in her own apt and my bf took my side with the whole thing, but then his sister moved back home (she is 28) and since she moved back home things got weird. Anyway, because of all of these things, and him feeling like I don’t treat him right, we were fighting a lot, I have general anxiety disorder, and I hadn’t been going to therapy like I told him I would, and because of my anxiety, I need to be reassured pretty often that things are ok. I also get stressed out very easily and it sometimes comes off as having an attitude. He wanted to go on a “break.” Now, I agree with a lot of what he said that I do, but I also think that he doesn’t really realize that he has his own issues as well, and that he hadn’t been treating me right either, aside from taking care of me while I was sick. He asked for a break and I agreed, he said he just needed space to think about things and what he wanted in life in general, etc. Whatever, it freaked me out, but I was willing to give him the space and the time. A few days later, he wanted to hangout, and we saw each other every single day for a week and things had been going really well. We both agreed to work on our issues and that we wanted to be together and work through everything together. I feel like I have been holding up my end of the bargain, but he hasn’t been holding up his. He goes from wanting to see me and talk to me, to barely texting me back and not answering when I call him, but then he acts like there’s nothing wrong and he was just busy or something. I know that my boyfriend is the type of guy that wants to have control over the relationship and I feel like right now he is feeling weak after still wanting to spend time with me while we were supposed to be on a break, and therefore, he is playing this ignoring game sometimes to regain control. He told me that if things kept going the way they were the last couple of weeks, that we would be back together for real in a few weeks. Before the break we were planning on moving in together very soon, like in the fall. We both need to get out of our houses, my relationship with my mom is destructive and affects my relationship with my bf, and his relationship with his dad and sister is the same way. We both agreed that while living together would bring up other issues, that it would be better for us in the long run. While on the break, he continued to talk about apts and moving in together and our future. But then the other day he started saying he still needs more time to figure out stuff and that it’s not just me, it’s his career, living situation, and family too that has him confused and stressed out. He said that he just doesn’t want to jump back into the way things were just yet. He still doesn’t know what to do about anything, and in the end, he said if things keep going the way they have been, which has been good the last few weeks, that we will talk about a relationship again in a few weeks. He also said that he doesn’t want to see any other girls, or do anything with another girl at all, and I do trust him on that. If there’s one thing I know, it’s that he doesn’t want anyone else. Anyway, would do you think I should do? I want to give him the space to figure things out, and he said he still wants to see me a few times a week, but I am afraid that he will lose sight of things and stray too far if he is not reminded of our relationship.
admin
August 12, 2014 at 11:36 am
Let me ask you… What makes you so sure he really just needs a break from women in general as opposed to just wanting a break from you to kind of recharge?
Lauren
August 12, 2014 at 1:19 pm
Yes I think I have been too available to him. It’s something that many of other people who are close to me have said. I realize that now, but right now it’ hard not to be available to him when I just want us to be back together and it’s so hard to not want to talk to him or see him.
I’m not sure what you mean about needing a break from women all together? I know he needs a break from me, specifically, but what I meant was I am sure that he does not want to hook up with another girl or anything like that while we are on this break. Why, do you think I shouldn’t be so sure?
Lara
August 29, 2014 at 1:51 pm
Hi Chris,
I love this website! So much useful information.
I broke up with my boyfirend two weeks ago and havn’t contacted him since. We broke up becuase he’s not ready for a relationship right now, it was a very amicable break up and we decided not to contact each other.
However I bought him tickets to a west end show which is next Friday and told him to take his friend instead of me. I feel he may invite me, should I go or continue with the NC?
I don’t want to see him and then start back from square one if he hasn’t changed his mind about being together.
Thanks
Lara
admin
September 2, 2014 at 12:00 pm
NC… I know its particularly hard in this case.
Lauren
August 11, 2014 at 5:54 pm
One more thing – My boyfriend is DEFINITELY the stubborn guy! I haven’t initiated any NC rule yet, but if I did, I highly doubt I would hear from him for at least a few days, he would expect me to contact him because I have been known to be the text/call gnat from time to time (when we’re fighting or something is off, I can’t shake it or go about any other tasks until we talk and this is because of my anxiety) So as you can see, a NC type of thing for me would be especially difficult because of my anxiety disorder. I texted him “how are you?” because remember we have been talking and seeing each other, he said “im good you?” I said “im good” and then said “its so nice out im jealous you get to be outside” bc he is off work right now and going to the beach and I am stuck at work. he said “umm yeah” which sounds REALLY rude and like a brush off to anyone else but to me that’s this thing he does in person when he’s trying to be cute, it’s hard to explain, but he says it in this cute voice, so through text it looks weird but only i understand it. I didn’t respond and I am trying to not text him for the rest of the day and see if he will try to contact me first.
What do you think I should do, Chris?
admin
August 12, 2014 at 11:41 am
Yes I understand your NC and anxiety thing but the thing is you are being too available for him…
Kurty
August 9, 2014 at 8:35 pm
It’s been 1 week since my ex broke up with me, he said he had no feelings and felt empty that there were issues he couldn’t deal with, no idea why these are… We had contact on Tuesday but nothing since and I came off what’s app so he can’t see me Online and vice versa as he kept changing profile pic and status. He said he didn’t see a future with me.
We were only together 5 months but we both thought we had found the one, now he has no feelings, prob because he kept all the issues bottled up.
We used to message all day everyday, do you think he misses that and is desperate to msg me and will my NC work??
admin
August 11, 2014 at 11:37 am
In other words, he couldn’t communicate correctly.
Needs Help
August 6, 2014 at 8:23 pm
Got into an argument with my boyfriend via text 4 days ago. Argument was about him ignoring me (he thought he was just doing stuff) and me getting a little crazy after not hearing from him. Similar arguments have happened before. Sent a heartfelt apology 3 days ago. Haven’t heard a word. We were supposed to hang out that night and he said we weren’t anymore because I am “too f***ing crazy.” I really didn’t get that crazy. I really don’t want to lose him and am serious about working on my issues. Help.
admin
August 11, 2014 at 11:03 am
You two didn’t break up though right?
Needs Help
August 11, 2014 at 8:49 pm
Nope. 9 days now and still haven’t heard a word. I assume we’re done. Just prepped a box of stuff he left at my place to ship back to him. Thoughts?
Needs Help
August 15, 2014 at 3:00 pm
Hi, can you please reply? 13 days now. He just bailed. Didn’t even break up with me.
admin
August 18, 2014 at 12:13 pm
Wait, no breakup talk at all?
Needs Help
August 18, 2014 at 1:38 pm
Nope, none. I actually had to see him over this past weekend to get some things I left at his apt, about which he texted me “ummm, im not going to mail your law school diploma.” That was the VERY FIRST thing he said to me after the argument two weeks ago. I saw him, suggested we talk. He agreed but couldn’t do it right then and there, he had some friends over. Still haven’t talked. Don’t expect to hear anything. Thoughts?
Lee
August 6, 2014 at 3:49 pm
Hello,
I have read a lot of your guides in the past and would like to start off by thanking you.
my bf and I split almost 4 months… it was kinda a mutual thing however I did have a lot of do with it.
I have tried the NC a couple times but it never seems to work. However since reading this article I have started the NC rule again and am on day 5!!! My first question is does the NC rule work even months after the break up? 2 days after I assumed the NC rule again I received a picture from him of one of our score cards from a golf game. Coming from a guys point of view what does this mean and what is he trying to accomplish? Thanks very much 🙂 cheers
admin
August 11, 2014 at 10:50 am
It can but its most effective if the couple is used to talking to each other on a daily basis.
Haley
August 5, 2014 at 1:44 am
My boyfriend of 10 months recently broke up with me because he “couldn’t deal” with what I did to him in the past. About two months ago I broke up with him because I needed a “break” and then found my way hooking up with one of his bestfriends.. I have no excuse to why I did this other than I was looking for someone to keep me away from running back. He was frantic and was always texting me and asking for me back but I kept pushing him away.. Him and I never stay away from eachother. We fight a lot and I have realized I haven’t been the best I could be so now he tells me that time could help him get through this and be with me again but he doesn’t know. I would do anything for him at this point and I’ve done everything for him, suprise him with notes in his car write him long messages but nothing seems to work. We saw eachother for the first time in about a week and a half and he said he would be with me one day but now his emotions are mixed and he doesn’t know what to do. There’s a girl that has always liked him and now is going after him they hangout but he claims there nothing more than friends, at this point he’s told me to realize what I did and leave him alone… How do I get him back…?
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admin
August 6, 2014 at 2:26 pm
Ya… that is pretty bad on you part (no offense.)
Have you talked to him at all?
alexia
August 4, 2014 at 2:49 pm
I have a slightly different problem with my ex. Overall last year we met while we were both in relationships and over a period of time we decided to leave our partners at the time and try things out. Sadly now I know I shouldn’t have done that. A few months ago he left me. And did a little bit of research and found out he was narcissistic. He did every stage a narcissist does: evaluate, de-evaluate, and discard. Not only that he was really into just wanting to be the best at everything. But anyway our relationship was great in the beginning then after 8 months slowly he pulled away. Especially when it came to drawing, he always got quickly irritated at the fact i drew better than him. Anyway slowly towards the end, that big day happened, I found he was sleeping with the girl he left, for me. It killed me but I decided I couldn’t let that ruin me. We didnt talk during the first 3 weeks then he would text me at times, I did bump into him while hanging out with friends, and he was awkward to be around, he kept touching me and asking how I have been with new guys. And would change the subject when I tell him. He kept in contact with me every couple weeks to “check up” and now has stopped. But the weird thing is a friend of his has been talking to me more. This friend of his and I never spoke about much besides work or other little things. Now he will ask me what ive been up to, where im going to hangout or going on vacation. Just alot of things in relation to that. And i know him and his friend have leagues together on a certain day at a place thats pretty popular around here. Out of respect I asked when that day was. He got kind of quick with questions right after. Asking “why do you ask? ” “you plan on showing up??” And calmly I replied “no just curious” and after that he pretty much “needed” I geuss you can say, to know why. I told him, ” you know im leaving for vacation soon, so I was hoping to get a few games in with some friends before I leave.” And after he got quiet and then pretty much left it at that. So my questions are 1. What advice can you give when it comes to ex that’s narcissistic? And 2. Do you think his friend was “keeping an eye on me” for my ex?
admin
August 6, 2014 at 2:03 pm
Wait… HE CHEATED ON YOU??
alexia
August 6, 2014 at 4:17 pm
Yea we were together for almost a year.
alexia
August 4, 2014 at 2:58 pm
I know your page wasn’t on narcissistic exs but, honestly I still have strong feelings for him and confused on what to do, and very confused on the signs im getting.
admin
August 6, 2014 at 2:03 pm
It’s ok, I’m happy to lend a hand.
Nicole Carron
July 31, 2014 at 5:27 pm
My ex boyfriend and I met in March of 2013. He was very different then any guy I have met before very calm, was not pushing at all, and never pressured me for my number. The next day a friend that he knew I was friends with asked if she could give him my number and I said sure. We began txting and hangout a week later. He met up with a groud of my girlfriends hung out and we left no hug or anything. During this time we talked via txt constantly it finally came to me hanging out with him alone he never presured me for anything I spent the night and after spending one night he always asked me to again. I ended up always bringing a bag of clothes and going home to shower and would be back at his place. He was in a previous relationship of 7 years engaged had a house together and she out of the blue broke it off saying she wasn’t happy and couldn’t go on. He moved out a week after she announced that and met me 7 months later. We were really happy everything flowed and often talked about marriage having kids and a future together. We were looking at house but in no way jumping into a house if it wasn’t the right one this went on for a year and a half. He during the course stopped writing love notes and being sweet as he once was but most guys do bc they have the girl. He would still txt me every morning call me his baby and that he loved me. Out of the blue he came home one night from golfing with a buddy. I was txting him bc it was late and I was worried and he never responded when he finally got home I know something happened. His buddy said he was going to a bar and that his ex would be there so knowing this he wanted to go and see her. They talked for hours and when he came home he said he loved me but he wanted her back (she doesn’t want him back) he said she’s the girl he pictures his life with and not me. He told me that he has been thinking about her for a few months now (I feel they have been in friendly contact during this time that I was not aware of) and that he didnt think we were going to work. I kept asking why he didn’t tell me and how could he leave me the same way she left him when we sore to me before we started he was over her I always kept asking him bc I was scared. He said he’d never be back with her. He always said I was the best relationship he has been in and that he feels he was lying to himself these past few months bc he didn’t want to hurt me. He kept saying he was confused and then said it wasn’t her that made him want the break up it’s just he didn’t feel we would end up working. Two weeks early we found a house we both liked and talked about seeing it with the relator but didn’t have any real rush to it. Why would he pretend to be so happy and that we loved each other so much if that’s not how he felt and kept planning our future. Is he just confused bc he didn’t get closure with her? Was I just a rebound that kept his pain away? Is there any chance he may want me back or come back? He is a great person that people do adore and he is often okay with being and doing things alone. I feel he won’t miss or want me I’m currently in nc after his txt messages after the break became to confusing. I’m so lost and seeking advice.
admin
August 4, 2014 at 2:27 pm
If he “loved” you and wants his ex back then he doesn’t hold you in very high regard in my opinion.
Jessica
July 30, 2014 at 10:38 pm
PLEASE PLEASE HELP!!! I KNOW ITS MUCH, So when you find time please read, I WANT YOU TO GET A FULL UNDERSTANDING OF WHY I’M CHOOSING THE N/C!!!!! AND YOU ARE THIS BEST PERSON TO UNDERSTAND I’m clueless! OK! I’v been dating this guy for about three months, we hit it off (sex) farely quickly like the forth date. I’m more of a girl who likes to be chased a he is a veary busy guy and I really like that we see each other about once a week and yes it was sex and I’m fine with that because my in my past relationships men seem to become jealous and try to be under me all the time and I love my space, everytime we have sex he stayes with me the whole night and act a little like he want to cuddle the next morning, I get up and either say I have to go or If he’s at my house I’ll get up and start cleaning and moving around so he can wake up and leave, but I think he actaully like that I’m not clingy and seem to have never met a girl like me, he seem to usaually have all the women clinging to him.
well this is the thing after sex I never called him or any guy back first. I let them always cantact me, he always seem to have something going on in his life that keeps him very busy and most of it be with his mom, sisters and aunt and he tells me was he’s got planed the next morning before he leaves and it comes to find out that what he says he’s doing he really is, he. Calls me every now and then and sounds so happy to he from me, I dont call him much but I do text I’v sent flirty texts, pictures but nothing nude or that I wouldnt post on facebook. All of my texts are positive, creative and some of them have been complements, sence we’ve started dating he seems to not be much of a texter and i’m not much of a phone person, I can say i have only texted him about 10 or 15 times in to whole three months of dating so I say about 2 times a week he sometime text back and sometimes he don’t. I know he likes me but seem to want things done on his time, it’s almost as if he’s putting me to a test because he’s the best sex partner I ever had and I know for a fact that other women in his past have falling head over heels for him and I’m the same guys fall head over heals for me fast. I also resently found out that his girlfriend died about six months ago and he really loved her, he never told me and i never asked him about it so he dont know that I know,. Him and I were in his car one day and his mother called he put it on speaker phone and they are so close I told him I really like that about him that he’s loves his mother and sisters so much, but when his sister got on the phone, I used his other phone and when she heard my voice she was shocked, she said to he ” brother was that a women I just heard!” Then she began asking him all kinds of question about me, is she pretty? Do she work? How many kids she have? ect.. So when Im trying to get to is I usually can always read a guy but he is very enteresting and I like it but do get a little confused, he’s made comments like, how he hates arguing or how women call a man over 20 times in one day! I am nautrally not a caller and I think that confuses him, because he’s use to women apporching him so going into why I chose to do the N/C with him. Ok! Here we go. Lately it’s been like a cat and mouse game i’ll text him no respond, he’ll called me i’ll be sleep so i’ll miss his call last week for the first time he start not calling at all so I waited then I text and said ” hey! I was thinking of you, hope everything ok!” And he call asap and was happy, he said nicely that he was happy i called and cheaked on him because he is very stubborn then for some reason he felt the need to tell me about a big booty girl who tried to date him but her booty wasnt real like mind! Idk if he was trying to get some kind of reation from me but i brushed it off with a funny friendly joke, then he ask me am I do for some of his Meds! Lol sex! I act as if it wasnt to most important thing on my mind and said ” i dont have sex like that and he said “thats not what i asked you! I said are you in town he said he’ll be he tomarrow then he’ll be leaving back out the next day so i told him i’ll be having my children this weekend so we need to make a date he said yes we do and said he have to go.. A whole 4 days passed and i didnt hear from him so i called him i let the phone ring three times i thought i had hung up after three rings but he was still on the phone saying hello, when i got on the phone he jokely said ” you but dailed me and he tries to call me but i dont answer and said playfully ” dont make me start acting like a boyfriend we laughed he said he would be getting a new place on the 1st and he wants me to come break it in with him i agreed he then said he love sex i said well i sho cant tell we havent done anything in a while he ask me can we do something tonight i agreed that was about 4pm long story short he stood me up for the first time i didnt call him i text a picture with a flirty sms! No rely all night, I didnt call him but i was a little up set but i didnt want him to think i was sitting at home waiting on him all night so the next morning i sent him a text saying! ” my bad if you called lastnight i end up going out with friends and my phone died! No reply so I texted something really nice and understanding of his absences also saying i really like hanging out with him! No relp, two days later I called and he said he was out shopping for his new place and will call me back two more days past No reply! So i figured maybe I was being to passive and nice so i texted him i understand his deapearing and not always being avaible because i love my freedom n space to but it is just rude to be ignored, and i said im done being nice because thats not getting me anywhere, i said you may think im some dum but i sure aint plum dum and i bet i wote call your phone anymore’ “i’m falling back…. And thats when my N/C started. That was on the 26th of this month! Now he brought me this cell phone and I just recently found out that when ever I send a lenthy sms it breaks it down iinto 5 diffrent sms i really hope i didnt freak him out i hope i dont think i sent five sms at a time when it was only one message those were the only to lengthy sms i’v ever sent.. He has not called or contacted me since what do you think? He told me he was stubborn so what should i do i miss him and never mentant love, marriage, anything serious I never question what he’s doing where he’s going, why nothing i just go with the flow so what happened?????
admin
August 4, 2014 at 2:08 pm
To be honest I really think you need to do NC.
Momo
July 29, 2014 at 4:24 pm
My boyfriend and I had been dating somewhat long distance for over 2 years. About three weeks ago I dumped him saying I couldn’t taking him not compromising on things for me (which ended up being things out of his control I couldn’t really complain about looking back, and he actually was compromising but I didn’t want to hear it) Sadly I had pushed him away more then once and he told me to think about it because this was going to be the last time. I told him I didn’t want to think about it and I wanted to be done. I have a huge problem with making quick decisions. Suddenly two days later I realized what I had done was a HUGE mistake and we started talking but he was hard set that we were done and he couldn’t take me back. I begged, pleaded, called, cried, the works. I asked him if he had slept with anyone else yet, he didn’t want to tell me, but I pushed him and he said yes about 2 weeks after we broke up he slept with someone. He gave in and saw me after three weeks of our break up, but only to get closure and move on. It wasn’t closure at all and brought on HUGE mixed signals from him. Saying he loved me but right now couldn’t be with me, that he really cares about me and part of him wants us to work out. He even ended up spending the night with, we kissed and hugged and cried. I begged more…he pushed back more..it was miserable. The next day he agreed that we could talk in 40 days. I drove home miserable and called him, we actually had an excellent talk and both felt in a good place.He even admitted that he felt lucky to have someone value and love him so much and be willing to work so hard for him. I felt hopeful. However, two hours later I panicked, what if he got in a relationship with someone in those 40 days? Called him again and made him promise to not get in a relationship from now till then. At first he was really mad saying that I need to get better for myself not for him, but he promised anyways. I feel like I keep pushing him to do things that I shouldn’t and I feel terrible. I don’t want him to resent me and now I’m worried about texting him in 40 days. He’ll be expecting me to so I wonder if I shouldn’t? Any advice would be great? Should I bother to think he would want me after all I put him through? Are these good signs that he keeps giving in or bad? Should I even text him on the date we settled on or no?
admin
July 30, 2014 at 2:00 pm
It’s just going to take time… give him that time.
Kate
July 28, 2014 at 1:57 pm
Hello again, well he did contact me the day after I posted this (weird timing), and I have followed your rules in regards to the first text and ending it really short. I have kept control of all the conversations and ended them first. The night he contacted me and I answered back, after I said bye he texted me two hours later and said lets hang out in two weeks when my fam isn’t home (I thought this was strange). So over the past few days he has been the one to contact me and I’ll respond with a few messages etc. He requested a few days ago that I unblock him on snapchat so I did today (I waited a few days to keep him on his toes). All in all at the end of the day after a few snaps he basically asked to be fwb (I’ll spare the details, every time he alluded to it I changed the subject). I slammed on the breaks in regards to that. Told him no, and reblocked him on snapchat. I tried to remain as calm as possible and not blow up on him. While we were together I made it known I was not going to engage in that kind of activity until I was ready (we never ended up having sex), so now why does he think I will do it now that we are broken up? I do not get it. Is this worth it now that all he wants is to be fwb? I am not dumb enough to fall into this trap, but I do not know how to approach the situation now. Should I still talk to him, or enter NC again for a while?
admin
July 29, 2014 at 1:26 pm
I am not a fan of FWB at all….
If that is all he wants from you thats really stupid on his part. Do you even want him back now?
Kate
July 30, 2014 at 5:19 pm
I care about him still but if that is the way he is going to be than no, I don’t want him back. He must think real highly of me if he doesn’t respect me enough to date me but asks to be fwb. I’m sure I am better off without him. Someone like that isn’t worth anyone’s time.
admin
August 4, 2014 at 1:47 pm
Thats the right attitude to have.
Lindsay
July 28, 2014 at 1:34 pm
Hi Chris,
I just had an out of the blue breakup with my boyfriend of 3.5 years. Boy, I could really use some advice…My situation is a bit tricky. My boyfriend and I live in the same city and he had been staying at my place every day from Feb – May (basically living together). He left in May to do an out of state internship. He did one out of state last summer too. Last summer, I was frustrated with him because he didn’t communicate with me as much as I wanted him to. He tends to be focused on what’s in front of him. So, it wasn’t too surprising to me that he has been bad with communication this summer. The internship is 2 and a half months. He has been pushing me away/communicating with me less and I wasn’t sure if it was just him being him or if something was up. Before he left, I thought everything was fantastic. I have been communicating more than him this summer, however, what he has been saying are things like “I am so proud of you 🙂 I love you” “Hey babe, how are you?” tons of lovey stuff like this – and sexy stuff. The plan was, I was going to drive and pick him up when his internship ended and we were going to go on a 2 week roadtrip. So we facetimed the other day and he said he wanted to do this in person but he doesn’t want to go on the trip with me. He said our personalities are different, we have different ways of solving problems, I can be too negative sometimes, our lives are going different directions, he doesn’t feel our relationship can last decades, he loves me, he’ll always love me but he’s not in love with me, doesn’t feel the same way about me that he used to. And he was lying to me and lying to himself. He said he thought he’d miss me more than he does and the distance has given him time to reflect (he’s working 15 hour days though). I haven’t seen him in 2 months and he will be home in two weeks. I didn’t get angry with him during the breakup but I ended the call. A couple hours later, I noticed he deleted me and my mom off his facebook. Then, I sent him two texts I know now I shouldn’t have “You deleted me off facebook too? Fuck you!!!” and “You are the biggest coward and liar I have ever met in my entire life. I thought you were a better man than that. Boy, was I wrong” I have implemented the no contact rule now, but he tends to avoid any communication/drama etc (I mean, I had no idea that he was upset about things in the relationship because he never communicated about them with me!). I am wondering if he will contact me at all…I also wonder if he’ll be thinking about me when he gets back. We have the same friends, live in the same neighborhood, etc.
admin
July 29, 2014 at 1:25 pm
I agree that NC is the best way to go at this point but I wish you hadn’t of said those “choice” words to him.
Lindsay
July 29, 2014 at 11:31 pm
I know, I know, I said them the night of the breakup because I was so shocked and upset and I regret it already. Do you think he’ll try to contact me in the next 30 days? I suppose apologizing would break the NC…What do you think?
admin
July 30, 2014 at 3:06 pm
I think eventually you two will talk again yes…
Lindsay
August 8, 2014 at 12:50 pm
He’s been away for over 2 months, and we never discussed any issues because he never brought them up, he dropped the bomb on me and that was the last time we talked and I was so shocked I couldn’t respond to his statements. I’m in NC now it’s been 2 weeks. Haven’t heard from him. After 30 days, I want to try to get together. Should we not discuss our relationship? I don’t see how we couldn’t…he never discussed anything and I never had a chance to respond. What do you think?
laila
July 28, 2014 at 1:08 am
hey , so my ex said dat i should do NC . it will make it easier for him to mve on when there is NC !! i dnt want to lose him 🙁 is it true dat NC will make hum forget abt me nd move on ??
what should i do Chris ! Thank youu
LISA
July 26, 2014 at 2:08 am
Chris..
I have a question..
I was in a LDR for over 6 months. I live in another country from him. I had visited him twice in the 6 months time span. I found out after the last visit that he had other women messaging him and another one had stayed at his place. He had told me that he loved me and was in love with me all the time. The communication that we had was only text message and he stated that texting wasn’t his bag. He was always inconsistent with communication. He couldn’t afford to call me. I would sometimes call him long distance. All of this came to fruition when the one girl messaged me on FB and said that he was her boyfriend. After he was found out and she confronted him, He cooled things off with me. He stopped talking to her. We never officially broke up and I will be moving to where he is next year. I agreed to the slow things or cool off. I always had treated him well and never lied or cheated or was needy. I never begged him, i accepted the decision he made by default. I have now set boundaries and told him that we can only be friends, because of the other women. He says he doesn’t want to know what i do, where i go and who I go out with now. I have started the NC with him and its been 5 days.
What is take on this.. Thanks.. Your site is very informative.
admin
July 28, 2014 at 2:37 pm
He seems a little fishy…
The other women… Thats not a good sign.
Lisa
July 28, 2014 at 3:31 pm
Thank you Chris.. I appreciate your input.. I thought it sounded fishy.. He stated that communication was stopped with the girl that thought she was his girlfriend.. He never owned up to the other one staying there. Since being long distance, I don’t know why he felt the need to treat me this was or be dishonest.
I will continue the no contact rule…
admin
July 29, 2014 at 1:32 pm
Definitely continue NC!
Lisa
August 2, 2014 at 8:00 am
Hi Chris…
Thanks again for all your advice..
I don’t think that I told you but the 2 other women that he was chatting or talking to were well before me..
I ended breaking the NC rule and he continues to say he loves me and apologizes for the women. He voiced the concern that we live Oceans apart or 5000 miles away,and try should try to communicate more, by Skype, text and phone. i will be moving to where he is next year, in June. I am in the military. This was last week. He texted me on Tuesday, but I never replied. I replied today 02Aug and he only viewed it but never replied. I made the mistake of telling him, that I was sorry that I had been distant…in the text. Bad move, I know..
Can I restart the NC rule again? And how long should I continue? This a LDR for almost 7 months now..
admin
August 4, 2014 at 2:38 pm
What did he say when you said that you were sorry you had been distant?
Lisa
August 5, 2014 at 8:32 pm
Nothing… He didn’t respond.. Only viewed and marked the message as being seen. Then when I updated my FB to say that I was probably going to travel there in September to house hunt. He texted / responded 30 min later but it was “Hello? , I don’t see your profile pic. And another message 25 min later , okay, I see it, You look great!! That was Monday 04Aug. Only his brother when he FB messages me tells me that this guy loves me.. He used to be in FB all the time and over the past weekend he hasn’t been.
Do I restart the NC?
Lisa
August 5, 2014 at 8:38 pm
With the distant comment that I made. He used that before when he didn’t reply to me for 3 days in June before I had visited. This is unusual for me not to respond or reply to him. It’s not typically my MO. I don’t know what his brothers motive is to tell how this guy feels about me, because his actions don’t match his words. I told his brother that and that the crazy situation with these previous or current other women didn’t matter to a woman like.
Shreena
July 25, 2014 at 2:50 pm
What if he ignores me when I initiate contact with him once my NC is over. Coz im ignoring all his texts right now.
admin
July 28, 2014 at 1:43 pm
He will eventually respond (don’t take it too personally.) My money is on the fact that he won’t ignore you though.
Shreena
July 28, 2014 at 5:26 pm
I think he just got too mad for not having his way since I dint reply. He sent me a big hate msg and i had to break NC . But now we both hav decided for a mutual NC, break sorta. Lets see where ot takes us. Till then im just concentrating on self improvement.
Shreena
July 25, 2014 at 3:31 pm
I think he is purposely trying to make me jealous by updating status on whatsapp since im ignoring his texts. Like yest he put ‘ good times’ and now he updated to ‘ I date gals who reply to my I love yous with “you dont mean it” ‘. As in he wants to date gals who are not so serious when it comes to relationships, that is completely the opposite of what I am. I think he is putting these on purpose coz I know he wouldnt have done that if I wasnt ignoring him, coz he knows that would affect me. What do you think? Is he doing it on purpose? Im on 4th day of NC.
And thank you so much Chris, reading your posts make me feel at peace.
admin
July 28, 2014 at 1:50 pm
So passive aggressive by him… Try not to be so affected by it. Just keep doing NC.
Blessing
July 25, 2014 at 8:35 am
Does NC work even for long distance relationships that are heavily reliant on email?
My boyfriend and I used to email each other at an average of 20 messages a day. We had a big fight and he stopped messaging me. Two days later, I send him along email breaking up with him and wishing him well on his next relationship. It’s been 15 days since then and I miss him so bad. Will NC work in our case? Because I’m afraid to lose him…
admin
July 25, 2014 at 3:07 pm
I think it definitely can but is the phone not an option?
Allie
July 22, 2014 at 3:10 pm
He broke up with me last Monday, came over Wednesday to talk about us, saying he was hopeful we could work things out. He was upset, yet receptive and loving. We made up, talked about upcoming events and our vacation, he told me he loved me, told me he couldn’t stand the thought of another guy being with me, said that he would be over on Friday and left it that we were okay. Which is our thing, to tell the other person we are okay, after an argument or problem has been resolved.
Friday, after I wrote a nice blog post about him, he wasn’t responding to my texts, so I called him, and he said he shouldn’t have come over the other night, that being with me changed his focus.
A fight ensued, angry words and texts were exchanged. Finally, I took a deep breath, got control of myself and initiated NC. He called repeatedly for a while then stopped because I wouldn’t answer.
He called Saturday, I didn’t answer, he didn’t leave a message. I assume he phoned because we were supposed to go to a wedding on Sunday, which obviously I did not attend. He phoned late Sunday night, I didn’t answer, he didn’t leave a message.
He subscribes to my blog and according to my blog, nothing has changed, I am having a great time, and he is reading about it.
Yesterday morning I posted on my blog that I was going to spend the day (pursuing my hobby), with a male friend. Nothing new to him, because my hobby is male dominated, and my ex is also involved in the same hobby, and knows these people.
Within 45 minutes of him reading it, I received an email from him saying “please be aware of the following:
Stay away from me, do not come to my home, do not call me or email me.
Do not call or email my family. In terms of any items I may have left at your home, discard them. If you refuse to comply with my simple request I will have no alternative than to get a restraining order against you…”
I took this as a ploy from him to try and get a response from me, him figuring I would be so infuriated I would just have to respond.
I did not respond, I just laughed at it, ’cause you can’t make this stuff up.
An hour later he emailed my father, and copied me on it. It was a very nice email, apologizing for things not working out, and he was sorry he “fell short”.
Was this another desperate attempt to get my attention or a response (since he copied me on it)? Or is he not sure what I told my family about us and wants to make himself look good? Or could he actually be sincere?
I did not respond to that email either, however, I did email my Dad and told him not to pay it any mind, that to maintain my dignity, I was playing hardball, and my boyfriend was upset because of NC, that I was sure it would pass, and if it didn’t, at least I would still have my dignity.
Anyway, although I realize NC can do strange things to people’s psyche, I can’t help but wonder why is he acting as if I am a psycho gnat if I am ignoring him? I have not contacted him, he has contacted me, and he CAN unsubscribe to my blog, IF HE WANTS TO.
Any thoughts?
admin
July 24, 2014 at 1:59 pm
Sounds like hes totally jealous to me!
Nice blog by the way.
Allie
July 24, 2014 at 6:54 pm
I thought so too.
So, I didn’t hear from him again until today. I got a text asking for his DVD player (which he previously asked me to discard). I didn’t respond. After a few hours I received two calls from his work payphone (I didn’t answer), then a minute later from his cell phone. Again I didn’t answer, and he didn’t leave messages.
I did notice, however, that his contacts coincide with when he reads my blog posts (I checked the stats) and the fact I’m going on a trip this weekend that we were supposed to go on together, and he bowed out, but I’m going anyway–well that makes me think jealousy too.
I suspect his head has turned toward another woman, so this must be a very confusing time for him.
This NC thing gets easier every day. Not quite sure whether I will want him back.
Glad you liked my blog. Thx.
admin
July 25, 2014 at 2:00 pm
I guarantee hes going to get jealous about you going on that trip.
Allie
July 25, 2014 at 4:33 pm
Jealous, yes, I believe so. However, I’m not sure if it matters that much. He had told me many times that the only reason he would leave me is if his head was turned toward another woman, but that he would break up with me before he would see someone else.
There was a weird text on his phone from another woman that said “Cheers!” 3 nights before he broke up with me, and when I questioned him about it, he got real serious, sat up in bed and stared at the wall, deep in thought, for a long time.
When I pried (naturally), he said “I’m not cheating on you, I’ll tell her not to text me anymore”.
So when we broke up, and he didn’t give me a real reason for the break up, I texted him this other womans phone number (because of course I memorized it)and asked if that was why he was breaking up with me. Needless to say, he got very, very angry and said “you have pictures,numbers, whatever you need to use against me”. Because he knows I’m a no BS woman and won’t think twice about calling another woman to find out the truth.
So that is why I believe he is not leaving messages when I don’t answer. He always leaves messages. I think he’s scared I will forward them to this other woman, and ruin whatever he has started with her.
I will however, continue with NC, even though I am doubtful that he will be interested in me if he is already dating someone else.
Allie
July 25, 2014 at 6:16 pm
P.S. I did not contact the other woman. It was an angry threat in a thankfully brief emotional moment.
Allie
July 29, 2014 at 1:18 am
I’m on day 12 of NC. He left a message to contact him about getting his stuff back–the stuff he told me to discard. What do I do????
Bianca
July 22, 2014 at 2:42 pm
He stopped talking to me because he got his ex girlfriend pregnant. He said that he found out over the weekend and he has to say goodbye to me. Also he stated how much he hated her. I am on day 24 of NC and I haven’t heard from him.
admin
July 24, 2014 at 1:57 pm
Why would you want him back if he got an ex girlfriend pregnant?
Angel
July 22, 2014 at 12:43 am
I did the NC rule for 2 months. Then I recd a text from my ex saying “Hi, I just wanted you to know I was praying for you” ???? I said thank you, but pointed out to him that if he missed me, he could have just said so. He said it was only a prayer and not to look more into it??? Then over the next couple weeks eventually he started getting hateful and going off on me and calling me bipolar and drama queen and now I’m back to NC because I do not need that just because he does not know how to deal with his feelings about me…
admin
July 22, 2014 at 2:38 pm
He seems like the one that is bipolar…
jenny
July 21, 2014 at 8:19 pm
Hi, my fiancé of five years told me he didn’t love me an hour after looking at a house to buy and talking about getting married in the back yard! that was april 26th. he has a son so he couldn’t move out until June 1st. we had good and bad days we had dinner some nights we spooned a lot. I begged a lot the first 2 weeks. we remained intimate until june 12 (but it wasn’t the same) he moved 30 min away and was complaining that he would have to get a second job because he couldn’t afford it himself. We talked a few times until july 2nd when I started N.C.(on day 18) last Monday he texted that he “accidentally” had a package mailed to my home and can he pick it up or meet me somewhere for it. on Wednesday I found out not only does he have a gf but he moved her in already!!! We always said we were soulmates! He texted a few times about the package, but I didn’t respond. He then added me on snapchat and sent me a selfie asking if I was getting his messages. told him to get it whenever he wants. He unfriended me on facebook last month and last night he deleted it and started a brand new one(which he’t block me from but I did) I have so many questions! Is this a rebound and he is using her to get over me and for money? he has never really been alone. do I leave the package outside or see him in person, if so what do I say? and how do I initiate contact after my 30 days are up if he is still with her? his birthday and family reunion are this weekend and I put a note about his father not being there but watching down on them (recently departed) on a cd he left here and put with said package. I was thinking that shows I’m not acting jealous. I love him and know we are great together. but am I hoping for to much?
admin
July 22, 2014 at 2:25 pm
How long were you engaged before he pulled this?