The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule- What Is He Thinking?

4,280 thoughts on “The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule”

JS

December 3, 2016 at 6:20 pm

Hi, you’re website is so helpful. Thank you for all your work!

I need major advice how to move forward! Be warned, my situation is a bit long…. My bf has low self-esteem from his past which gave him major jealousy and insecurity issues. He also can get very depressed and beat himself down. We dated for about 6 months and it was very passionate and intense, there was much love and a deep connection on all levels… sexually, spiritually, emotionally and intellectually.

I inadvertently added fuel to his insecurity and pain, because I once said something positive about my ex-husband early on in our relationship that was misintepreted and my bf took it to mean I didn’t think he was an amazing person or that I desired him the most. He became jealous of my ex-husband. I also one day while with I was with him I responded to a text from a guy I had previously dated. He asked me if i’d slept with that person before I met him and I lied and said no because I was afraid of what he’d think. When I later told him the truth, that I had slept with this person (mind you it was before we met) he flipped out and lost all trust in me. I apologized profusely but he didn’t seem to accept it.

He tried to hold on, but his insecurity grew to the point where he was uncomfortable going out in public with me for fear I was looking at other men or thought he wasn’t “the one”. There were many accusations and fights all rooted in his jealousy but I NEVER once betrayed him. I feel he is an amazing and beautiful person and I am deeply in love with him.

At 7 months he said he needed space to work on himself. Kept saying he was not worthy, wasn’t relationship material because of his issues, and needed to resolve some personal situations from his past (family and ex-gf with child). He told me he couldn’t be devoted to me, or relied upon, and that we were not together anymore.

I tried to give him space, but I was heartbroken, we both broke the NC rule many times including being physical… then he started getting really evasive hiding his phone and any personal details of his whereabouts, making new friends I’d never heard of before and I started getting suspicious. Turns out he had begun sleeping with someone else after we broke up. I found out by seeing texts between them on his phone. He said he wasn’t with anyone else and denied it at first. I freaked out calling him a cheater and a liar and threw him out of my house. He later said it was true he was seeing someone but it was just physical and also he didn’t feel it was cheating since we were broken up. He said he didn’t owe me any explanation because we weren’t an official couple anymore.

I was utterly devastated and so I did horrible things, sent him a barrage of emails and texts and FB messages that he wasn’t a good person, he was unstable with low morals, and a liar for not telling me he was with another. I also lied in an email and said I’d slept with another (to make him jealous)… I also insulted parts of his body and really damaged his self-worth and feeling of security of about what I truly thought of him. None of the mean things I said were in any way true, I was just so incredibly blinded by anger and fear that I was losing him and that he’d been with another. It was the lowest thing I’d ever done in my life.

He then left the area for about two weeks to take care of personal things and said goodbye. We had NC during this time… but on his way back to town he texted that he missed me and knew he loved me. We talked a lot and tried to resolve things. He apologized for being with another woman and I accepted his apology. I apologized for my anger and previous behavior but I don’t think he fully accepted it.

We then got back together I thought things were going well. Then he started getting depressed and the cycle of fear started again. He said he felt he couldn’t be relied upon because he wasn’t worthy, couldn’t support anyone – family friends or me, and felt suffocated and in fear in relationships, and that my love wasn’t true for him.

Arguments started again about jealousy of others (that didn’t exist) and the push and pull pattern began again – he’d say “I love you” with real passion and then the next day “I can’t do this”. It was a rollercoaster. During all this I made the mistake of trying to defend and got angry for being accused and also walked on eggshells choosing my words carefully so as not to damage his pride or ego. I knew he loved me and was struggling inside to find self-worth and security and I was trying everyday I could to show him I could be trusted and that I was devoted to him.

Then something really bad happened. He re-opened his FB account and sitting there waiting for him were some of the old angry messages I’d sent months ago where I’d lashed out and insulted him. It brought everything racing back up inside him … he got very depressed and stressed and angry at me that I could have ever said those things. There were many arguments. I explained that I sent them because of my fear and anger that he’d lied and that none of it was true and it was in the past! But he’d totally lost all confidence in my words and wouldn’t accept my remorse or apology.

He said again “I need space to work on myself and my anger” but after one week I broke the NC rule and pushed him and said to just break up with me if he didn’t love me. I was frustrated to be in the gray area. Many phone calls and texts between us I kept pushing him until finally he said “Ok then we are broken up, I can’t do it goodbye”.

Yet, I still didn’t give him space…. For about 3 days I kept fighting for him and reminded him of how great he is and our amazing connection and times together, begged him not to leave, and to see that I really did love him and that I’d never betray him. I humiliated myself, kept sending messages and calling, apologizing, pleading, cried..and so on. After 3 days he’s stopped responding to all my contact. I know I pressured him too hard to stay in it and fight for us, until he broke.

So today is day 4 and I am determined to do the NC rule and take time for myself to heal all the accusations and pain from our past and allow him time to heal and work on himself too.

He has a lot to work on inside and my being in his life is just a reminder of his fears now. I know he loves me deeply, but is also angry and in pain and needs time to find his self-worth. But I’m afraid he’s doing everything not to deal with the pain and just burying his head in the sand and being alone.

He never blocked my contact, so I’m sure I could still email, text or call, but I won’t. But now here’s my dilemma I’m not sure if he’s truly broken us up for good and will never want to see me again because I drove him to that point… or if space will allow him to miss me and contact me and possibly consider reconciliation.

Also note that we don’t live in the same area (he lives an hour and 1/2 away) so we wont run into each other at public places, we also aren’t connected online anywhere, so during this time he won’t see that I’m moving on, improving myself and doing fine, or that I am happy living my life without him. So I’m not sure how he’ll see that or even be curious what I’m doing or miss me.

So knowing all this, I have these 3 questions:

1. Did I damage things so far that he’s gone and I should move on?

2. How long should I maintain the NC rule? Our situation seems like it should be longer than the standard 30 days given his personal issues and my pushing him so hard in the end, but I don’t want to wait too long to where there’s no chance at reconciliation again. How long should I wait to contact?

3. What is the best way and type of message to send him when the period is over?

Thank you so much!!!
JS

EBR Team Member: Amor

December 4, 2016 at 10:43 am

Hi Js,

your comments have been going to spam.. Dont worry, I haven’t replied because I haven’t reached yours yet.

Stay active in posting on social media, make it public. So, that even if he used any account he will see it. After this, if you get back together erase your messages before. Dont reply right ahead if he texts..unless he says he wants you back..if you didn’t respond, you dont have to restart the count.. Do 30 days..

Courtney

December 3, 2016 at 8:31 am

So my ex just readded me on Facebook after 2 weeks of the second round of complete NC. I haven’t accepted it yet because I’d like to go through the entire month this time (or even more). After the first round of NC he said he wanted me back and to work things out, then 3 days into trying to fix things, he tells me he’s not in love with me anymore and gives up on working things out to go back to his rebound. What is he trying to do this time, I know he simply just added me on Facebook, but he is the one who deleted me in the first place. It’s not like he needs to see anything on my profile, it’s all public anyways.

EBR Team Member: Amor

December 3, 2016 at 5:11 pm

Hi Courtney,

hard to say but he can be trying what he did before

Katie

December 2, 2016 at 2:13 am

Hi,
My bf and I dated for almost 8 months. This past Saturday he slept at my house. We got in an argument because I wanted to sleep with a fan on and he didn’t (totally insane, I know). We fought throughout the whole night back and forth. He kept turning the fan off every time I put it on. A fan helps me sleep. He can’t sleep without a t.v. and I left it on for him and was very mad he didn’t care about what I wanted when I cared that he wanted the t.v. on. During the night he ended up trying to record me fighting with him and sent something to his mom. Btw his mom hates me because she thinks I said awful things I never once said. So in the morning he was being so rude saying he deleted my number (which i know he didn’t) and he just wants to go home and get away from me. I take us to Walmart. He was still being a jerk and I will admit I said a lot of things that were mean too. He refused to get out of my car for a while eventually we go inside. He was annoying me so much I told him to have his mom pick him up and he refused. I eventually beat him on the way out to the car and quickly put his sleep bag out of my car and locked the doors. He was yelling saying “give me my stuff” even though it was out. He put his hand in a crack of the window passenger side and tried unlocking the door. He was trying to bend my rear view mirror and my window. I took off because I couldn’t afford a new window. His hand was still partly in the window. He texted me saying I broke his stuff and he called the cops. The cop said his glasses and tablets got damaged because I ran them over. Which I know I didn’t because he had a large bag of doritos in the bag that would of popped. The cop told me my ex said he was going to call me that same day of the fight (Sunday) and wanted to work things out but I haven’t heard from my ex in since that morning we fought. It is now almost Friday, so about 5 days no contact. We talked everyday while together. So, I am not sure exactly if we are done for good or what. This is the longest relationship I have been in. He has a personality disorder which I believe makes him act the way he does. What do you think I should do? Move on? Contact him? Normally when we have had fights he contacts me and works things out right away. I miss him but I also don’t know what to think.

Katie

December 2, 2016 at 9:11 pm

Hi,
He has received help in the past. He told me he loves going to therapy but I believe that he can’t afford to go right now. He doesn’t have a job and is waiting for disability because he has many health issues. He has had back problems for many years that put him in great pain. The relationship I feel has been toxic for months. Since the beginning of time we had problems but we worked through them. The relationship was better than it was ever around 3 months. We got along great. Little things just set him off. Which I truly believe is because of his personality disorder which is why I think we have always had a bumpy relationship. We usually work through all of our problems. But this time I haven’t heard from him. I am sure he is blaming me right now but he is at fault too. Its been 5 days, technically 6 since we spoke. Do you think it is over and I should move on? I haven’t apologized and don’t feel I need too because the whole fight started because of him. He thinks I do things on purpose to annoy him, but I don’t. I have never dated someone with a disorder like this. I don’t know if this is normal or completely toxic and to just go my ways.
EBR Team Member: Amor

December 3, 2016 at 2:50 pm

Nope,
it’s not normal. You should move on..he has to work on himself first before getting into any relationship
EBR Team Member: Amor

December 2, 2016 at 6:26 pm

Hi katie,

is he getting professional help? How long has the relationship been toxic?

Ashley

November 30, 2016 at 5:00 am

Hi. I really enjoy your posts, very helpful. My situation is very frustrating, and I’m in need of some guidance & truthful feedback from an outsider hearing my story for the first time…

My ex and I have known each other for years, but avoided a relationship due to age and distance. We got together last year and were together for about a year. Our relationship was great! The distance sucked but all in all it was a healthy, happy partnership. However, my insecurities and lack of validation, mixed with lots of alcohol, got the best of me, & I cheated. I called him immediately the next morning and confessed. Obviously he was angry, we tried to work things out the following weekend but he told me he needed space and had lost passion for me since the cheating. To my surprise he texted me three days after we officially broke it off, explaining that he truly thinks time will heal the wound. For about three weeks we both would randomly text each other checking-in, liking each other’s photos on FB, etc. all conversations were very short, but one of them was him asking me if I was going to rekindle a relationship with any old partners, which made me think he really does still care. But, After a few weeks of the back and forth I spilled out my guts over text about how sorry I was and how much I loved and missed him. all I received in return was that he needed more time, needed to finish school (which he graduates in two weeks) before even trying to begin working things out, and he said couldn’t guarantee we would get back together.

I have now done a full week without any contact at all. He hasn’t reached out and neither have I. Obviously, I won’t contact him until he reaches out, but then what? I’m working on myself but is there a way I can prove to him that I am? Have I already lost since I already caved? I messed the relationship up by breaking the trust, but I’ve tried to show my remorse and fix it with no avail. Please share your input. Thank you!

EBR Team Member: Amor

November 30, 2016 at 8:19 pm

Hi Ashley,

just be active in posting in social media. Don’t stop improving yourself even after nc.. Check this too:
Fix Your Relationship If You Cheated On Your Ex Boyfriend Before Its Too Late (Video)

Linda

November 29, 2016 at 7:08 pm

Did my previous msg post? And how will I know when I get a reply? Will I be notified by email or just have to keep checking here?

Here’s my msg again in case it didn’t post the first time.

So my boyfriend of a year and a half broke up with me and blocked me everywhere because I had done the same thing to him two weeks prior to that after a heated argument and I had had enough. But after a few calls and attempts to reach out to me via social media and emails I finally replied and unblocked him less than a wk later. We managed to get through that and were on good terms again than got into another argument which escalated and then he decided to block me and took the decision to end this once and for all. (It’s been rocky since May)

I tried to reach out to him. Tried to understand his point of view and have even apologized although I don’t think I was 100% wrong but still apologized for the misunderstanding.

He’s just being stubborn. He’s replied to my email and I had been a bit dramatic trying to talk to him especially after a few drs visits had alarmed me and I felt like I needed him. He finally called me to see what’s wrong and said I was just being over dramatic bc I wanted attention and not to stress it.

I then tried to reach out again and he said he was busy with his family. He had been back home visiting them and was coming back the next day.

So I decided to surprise him at the airport w a banner thinking maybe that’s the only way I can see him and talk to him. Well I somehow missed him and finally gave in and messaged him that I was there to surprise him. He said he was already home and will call me the next day. Next day came, he never called.

I waited almost a wk then finally left him a nice message saying I’m sure you’ve been busy since you got back and but I miss u and would love to hear from you and hate when we’re not talking and time passes and I’m sorry for hurting you or upsetting you in any way. Call me. And he heard my message and never called 🙁

I’m devastated. I don’t understand how just two wks prior to that when I blocked him and told him I was done w this he tried so hard and said he loves me and cherishes me and always will no matter what and now total silence and he’s probably moving on while I’m still wishing to hear from him and work this out.

After my last message I decided to try to just stop reaching out. It’s been 10 days and I’m struggling with thoughts that this time it’s really over and he’s probably meeting other girls out of spite and to move on.

Help! Any suggestions?

Linda

November 29, 2016 at 10:44 pm

Well I don’t really have a choice as he is not talking to me. This happened almost a month ago. Last form of contact or attempt to contact was my msg 10 days ago that he ignored although just a week before he was at least a bit responsive but now total ignore mode and silence. I don’t understand why and don’t know what to do. Should I wait another 20 days before I try to reach out again? What if by then he meets someone else?
EBR Team Member: Amor

November 30, 2016 at 6:49 pm

well, you can’t control that. Start the count of no contact after this because even if you didn’t talk for 10 days, you didn’t start improving yourself then. You can’t control what happens to him.. You can control yourself. Even if you stayed to talk to him, would that stop him from meeting somebody else? He won’t even talk to you. So, you’re best option is to do the no contact rule and to improve yourself.
EBR Team Member: Amor

November 29, 2016 at 9:48 pm

Hi Linda,

You have to check the comment. But after submitting your first comment, did it show that it’s waiting for approval or it just disappeared? do you want to try the no contact rule so, you can have a restart?

Linda

November 29, 2016 at 3:35 pm

So my boyfriend of a year and a half broke up with me and blocked me everywhere because I had done the same thing to him two weeks prior to that after a heated argument and I had had enough. But after a few calls and attempts to reach out to me via social media and emails I finally replied and unblocked him less than a wk later. We managed to get through that and were on good terms again than got into another argument which escalated and then he decided to block me and took the decision to end this once and for all. (It’s been rocky since May)

I tried to reach out to him. Tried to understand his point of view and have even apologized although I don’t think I was 100% wrong but still apologized for the misunderstanding.

He’s just being stubborn. He’s replied to my email and I had been a bit dramatic trying to talk to him especially after a few drs visits had alarmed me and I felt like I needed him. He finally called me to see what’s wrong and said I was just being over dramatic bc I wanted attention and not to stress it.

I then tried to reach out again and he said he was busy with his family. He had been back home visiting them and was coming back the next day.

So I decided to surprise him at the airport w a banner thinking maybe that’s the only way I can see him and talk to him. Well I somehow missed him and finally gave in and messaged him that I was there to surprise him. He said he was already home and will call me the next day. Next day came, he never called.

I waited almost a wk then finally left him a nice message saying I’m sure you’ve been busy since you got back and but I miss u and would love to hear from you and hate when we’re not talking and time passes and I’m sorry for hurting you or upsetting you in any way. Call me. And he heard my message and never called 🙁

I’m devastated. I don’t understand how just two wks prior to that when I blocked him and told him I was done w this he tried so hard and said he loves me and cherishes me and always will no matter what and now total silence and he’s probably moving on while I’m still wishing to hear from him and work this out.

After my last message I decided to try to just stop reaching out. It’s been 10 days and I’m struggling with thoughts that this time it’s really over and he’s probably meeting other girls out of spite and to move on.

Help! Any suggestions?

EBR Team Member: Amor

November 29, 2016 at 9:48 pm

Hi Linda,

You have to check the comment. But after submitting your first comment, did it show that it’s waiting for approval or it just disappeared? do you want to try the no contact rule so, you can have a restart?

Karen

November 29, 2016 at 10:31 am

Hi I was married in August 2 months after my husband has left me I was probably the problem I got lost in life my job became demanding. We had a massive argument and kept saying he was going to leave so I told him to it was all very heated! He hasn’t been back since I have begged and pleaded to talk to him and his family and mine have all got involved it’s really a pathetic situation. He says he misses me but makes exscuses to talk to me I have found him on a dating site, which I understand coz our sex life was not good due to the long hours I work and he seems to be just carrying in with life, I have asked him to come home aswell but he is living with his ex wife and her boyfriend! I feel so devastated questioning whether he actually wanted marriage as he seems to have left at the 1st hurdle. Will NC actually work? X

EBR Team Member: Amor

November 29, 2016 at 9:15 pm

Hi Karen,

There’s no guarantee that it will work but I think it’s what you need to do.. you need to heal.. How long were you together? I think you should do at least 30 days.

Rebecca

November 29, 2016 at 9:10 am

I want to do NC on my BF who is distant he still says he loves me but he doesn’t give me his full attention anymore what should I do? Is it a good idea? 5 year relationship if that helps

EBR Team Member: Amor

November 29, 2016 at 8:55 pm

Hi Rebecca,

check this one:
How To Prevent A Breakup With Your Boyfriend When You Know It’s Coming

Beatrice

November 28, 2016 at 4:30 pm

Hi,
My situation is a little bit different because after I caused him emotional pain, he left, and I wanted to fight for him but did all those things that I shouldn’t have. I bagged, I humiliated myself, kept sending messages and calling,I cried..and so on. And then he proposed not to talk or see each other for a month. I know he is in pain, and he needs time. He kept saying that to me, but I also know that he is doing everything not to deal with the pain. Including dating other girls. Now I’m not sure that he this no contact period for is just because he wants me to leave him alone, or he really needs to think things to.
What should be done when he is the one saying that we shouldn’t contact each other? It’s been 7 days so far.. and I have my mind full with all these questions and thoughts, but if it could work our this way to get him back, I’d do anything.

EBR Team Member: Amor

November 29, 2016 at 1:47 pm

Hi Beatrice,

improve yourself and stick to 30 days..He probably doesn’t expect you to do both

Francesca

November 27, 2016 at 8:42 pm

Hi,
I dated this man for two months. We were introduced to each other by a common friend whose daughter is friend with his.
We hit it off and saw each other once or twice a week, sometimes also with his daughter. He came up pretty strong on me, flooded me with compliments, made me feel like a princess, talked a lot about me with his teenage daughter who was asking a lot of things about me… he even told her that he had never felt this way in 25 years and once that we were out the three of us, he hugged me saying “this is my woman”. His daughter liked me.
Out of the blue he started contacting me less… my birthday came and he didn’t text me nor invite me out. I saw him the day after and he told me he got confused on the day and there were two gifts waiting for me… but the contact did not improve much…
We had planned a Thanksgiving trip together (with the friend who introduced us, her husband and daughter and his daughter). The girls were excited, and we made plans to use my car which I prepped for the trip.
Then three days before leaving he broke up with me saying that we are not compatible, which of course is an excuse.
I deleted his number, cancelled his texts, deleted his email and I haven’t contacted him since (6 days).
I think he got cold feet because the relationship was getting more serious, and he pulled himself out of it… I have to add that this guy did not have a good childhood and a terrible tragedy happened to him since one of his daughters died in a domestic accident.
I really miss him, but I do not know how many chances I have to get him back and have him trust and be confident in a commitment…

Kikka

November 28, 2016 at 8:56 pm

Yes, that’s what I want to do! NC for at least a month. In two days I am also going on a trip to my home country and it will be very helpful to distract myself, enjoy my friend and family and rest. 🙂
EBR Team Member: Amor

November 29, 2016 at 6:03 pm

That’s good.. Now is the right time to go home
EBR Team Member: Amor

November 28, 2016 at 7:15 pm

Hi Kikka,
He’s the only one who can deal with his issues..if he needs therapy, he had to do it.. If it went too fast then take it slow next time..do you want to try the no contact rule?

XY

November 26, 2016 at 9:28 pm

Will the guy even think of you when he is busy trying to chase another crush when you are doing your no contact?

EBR Team Member: Amor

November 28, 2016 at 11:55 am

Hi Xy,

in human nature, yes, he will.. Because he’s still used to thinking about you or in your routine.. And it’s not just about doing the no contact rule, you have to be actively improving yourself.

Ace

November 26, 2016 at 9:02 pm

Sigh my ex and i are arguing again after we just got back together. We started arguing because I confronted him about ignoring my text, this is our second time arguing in 2 weeks. I feel like ever since I told him yes we were back together he just got comfortable, maybe I told him yes too soon. How do i take him out of his comfort zone?

EBR Team Member: Amor

November 26, 2016 at 9:12 pm

Hi Ace,

this is going to be frustrating, but on your side, since you can only control yourself, avoid confronting. If you want something to be addressed, start calmly and don’t get comfortable too. I mean, don’t expect too much from him, don’t let go of your activities, and observe first. Don’t invest too much..

Courtney

November 25, 2016 at 8:15 pm

My ex an I were together for 7 years, and we have a child together. 2 months ago he left me for my brother’s girlfriend. I initiated the partial NC for a full month (we have a kid together, so NC isn’t really an option) 4 days ago he texted me telling me he had broken up with this girl and that he wanted me back and how it was a mistake and how much he loves me. We decided to try to make things work, and we both understood that in order to make things work, we had to put hard work into it. Well fast forward 2 days and he tells me he’s torn between me and her, and that he doesn’t think he loves me the same way anymore. (note that during these few days she has been texting him telling him how much she wants him back). I don’t understand why all of a sudden he wants nothing to do with me anymore. It was perfect one day, we were fixing things, he initiated contact and wanted to fix it. The next day he isn’t sure about me anymore. Please help me. I still love him with all of my heart. Do I go back into NC mode? Or is this a lost cause?

EBR Team Member: Amor

November 27, 2016 at 6:23 pm

Hi Courtney,

I think you need to be stronger and fiercer. If you go back into nc, that means only talking to him politely about the kids and important stuff. No small talk, no relationship talk, and then keep improving yourself and having your own life.. I think that’s the only chance that he will regret leaving you because you’re not chasing and you just kept improving

Karen

November 25, 2016 at 2:00 pm

My boyfriend and I were together 2.5 years but we are older and it was a serious relationship. We lived together after 6 months and he had asked for my hand in marriage. We had gone through 1.5 years of fertility treatments trying to have a baby. Things felt strained for a few months. When I asked him what was wrong he said he was tired, stressed, or I was misperceiving things. A couple times after I would ask a question he would say i don’t need a mother. The day he left I was blindsided….we were at a restaurant eating and he was swearing loudly and there wa a family with young children nearby. When the mother looked at me uncomfortably I whispered to my BF you may want to watch your language, that Mom is giving us side eye. He took tht as me telling him how to act. After he left he wouldn’t talk to me for weeks, then he gave me a whole list of things going back 2 years he was upset about. THen we started hanging out again, sleeping together. Then I pushed too hard and he backed away. For months it was push/pull. If I didn’t contact him he was texting me. Then I lost my mind labor day weekend and sent a million texts. He came and moved some things out of the house when I wasn’t there and said the throught of a relationship was detestable…I knew I pushed him away. We continued to talk though but it again got worse the end of October when he came to get his final things. I accused him of being a narcissist and using me but within 5 minutes apologized and said i was just so hurt and lashing out and didn’t mean it. After that night we sent each other messages for a few days then I decided to start NC. I went about 8 days (longest not talking) before he sent an e-mail to me asking if he could come over to get some clips of the tv DVR and it might take a while so he would bring food. I responded casually and in happy mood and very short reply. He hasn’t come over yet, but he continues to text and e-mail me random things. I have been improving myself…in therapy, lost 30 pounds, realize things I did wrong in the relationship and believe I am different and would do things a lot different going forward in the relationship (which I still really want). I saw him at an event about 2 weeks into NC. He asked what I thought of the event and I told him one of the speakers really made me think about him and I and our relationship. I explained a little of what I now understood that I had done wrong and why I thought things would be different. I said I knew he was working through things but told him if he ever got to a place where he would allow me to take him on a date I would love to. He wasn’t angry. In fact he got in his car, drove over to mine and asked if I had got my car fixed yet (the night I called him a narcissist he had yelled that my car was leaking fluid and I needed to get it fixed). I told him I had got it fixed and thanked him. He continues to send texts saying hi or asking how I am. We ran into each other at the bar 2 nights ago and I wanted to scream I love him and beg for a chance but instead I bought him a drink, acted very casually, and left before him which he seemed surprised by. He texted the next day saying he hoped I had a good day. I responded with a funny story and he responded with a bunch of haha’s. I left it at that. At 530 the next AM he texted me again just saying “oh my” I guess still about the story from the day before. It seems he is just trying to find anything to text. I responded and said you’re up early and he said he just had to use the bathroom at that time. I have talkd to his best friend and he told me to just give it time. I love this man SO much. At the bar which was the night before thanksgiving he asked me if I was staying in town for the holiday. I told him I was and so was he. I mentioned if he wanted to go to a movie (just a movie, nothing more). We always went to movies and both love them. when he texted me the day after to say have a good day I said do you want to go to a movie. He said we could go to one but not today as he planned to catch up on his sleep all day. Instead of getting upset I just replied with okay. Then he replied that he had to sleep because someone helped him get drunk (because I had bought him one drink).

I really want this to work out. It is killing me to not just come out and tell him everything I feel and that I really think I have learned and realized so much about our relationship and how it could be better because I would do things different. He is very stubborn/bullheaded. What should I do?

EBR Team Member: Amor

November 27, 2016 at 6:01 pm

HI Karen,

two week of nc is too short if you’ve been friendzoned for a long time, and now you still look like you’re friendzoned.. If you really want a chance for a restart, he has to think that you’re moving on and improving.. You can restart the no contact rule but, you have to stick to it by not having small talks, friendly talks.. If he asks for his things, answer politely, but only make it about that. It’s good that you have started improving yourself, maintain that and keep improving even after nc.. Most of the time, for people who have stayed connected with their ex for a long time after the break up, we recommend 45 days..

Angie

November 24, 2016 at 11:56 pm

I recently broke off a 4 1/2 year relationship with my boyfriend because I found out he was wasn’t being honest or loyal to the relationship. we went 3 weeks without talking which is the normal for us because if we have an argument we can take a break from each other for 3 weeks. Well, after this last argument about his disloyalty I was VERY hurt and angry . I broke off all communication with him until I really wanted to know why he did what he did so I wrote him a letter and mailed it to him. He contacted me and we meet up to talk face to face about why he was dishonest and how he broke my heart. the next day he asked if he can see me again and i agreed to and we ended up having sex. I felt so bad having sex with him because I didnt really get the results I was looking for which was for him to show me has and will change. After that night he texted me twice and I havent responded to him at all. I decided to implement the No contact rule that day and I didn’t tell him I wasn’t going to talk to him anymore i just ignored all his text messages. Now it has been 3 weeks and he has not contacted me at all. I am wondering if he has really called it QUITS and just don’t want to talk to me anymore either or is he just backing off to give me my space? Yes, I still love him and miss him deeply but I do not want to continue in a situation that I am not happy in. He tells me he loves me all the time when we were together and how much he doesn’t want to be without me. So if he feels all that why is he NOT reaching out to me?

EBR Team Member: Amor

November 27, 2016 at 10:37 am

Hi Angie,

when you talked about him being dishonest, what did he say? Did he say he will change? So, right now, you’re not actually broken up right? If not, talk to him first. I don’t think the past 3 weeks is considered a no contact rule because it’s just normal for you to not talk at that span of time, and you were not focused in improving yourself, and you haven’t talked about the status of the relationship.

AB

November 23, 2016 at 10:24 pm

Hello,

So I have been reading over a bunch of your posts and I have to admit that i’m still confused by my situation. We met on a dating app and I blew him off at first, but we finally went out and instant connection. When we first met he couldn’t wait to introduce me to his family and everyone he knew. Everything was amazing. He invited me to Thanksgiving with his Family and just couldn’t stoptalking about how amazing I was and how he finally met the right girl at the right time in his life. One weekend we had plans. We got off the phone on a sat cause he was going to take a nap and he said he would get back to me around 5. Well 5 came and went and nothing. Then the next day, I texted him a few times with no response by the end of the day I was starting to get mad that he wasn’t even texting me back because he flaked on Saturday and now Sunday also! So i flipped and like a crazy girl sent like a million text messages and I didn’t get a response till about Mid Monday and said “We’ll talk about it” so I sent him a text asking if we were still together he said “Yes Babe, just had some tough days” so after that, the communication began a bit but much less responding than I was use to. I felt like it was all on me. I would send “Hello’s” and “Hows it going” but I would also get annoyed because he was barely responding and this wasn’t how he was when we started dating. So for the entire week I would send a combo of sad/frustrated texts along with “I Miss you’s” and my emotions were a rollercoaster. Everytime he would response it was almost like he was completely ignoring the fact that I sent him 34937029 crazy girl texts and he would just reply to the basics, so it was almost like he didn’t care that I sent him all the crazy texts and he would keep reassuring me he wasn’t mad at me. Anyways, I flipped and blocked him from my IG and got mad and basically declared it was over to which he actually didn’t respond to that specific text but he did respond that night saying how insainely hot I am (Which has completely baffled me) and since that text he has not responded since Late Sunday night. I started reading your site and I stopped texting him and I haven’t texted him 2 days. Oh he also texted me at one point when I really pressed him for an answer and he said “I’m Scared”….still dont know of what or why. Anyways, what do I do? Will the No Contact Rule work for me? I will literally buy all of your books/audios/PDF’s/Videos…anything if you can tell me what has happened here and how I can fix it.

EBR Team Member: Amor

November 26, 2016 at 2:43 pm

Hi Ab,

we can’t tell you that because we don’t know what’s been happening. The best I can assume is that he really is going through some tough times, or he’s really not that serious.. how old are you both and how long were you together?

Pippa

November 23, 2016 at 7:19 pm

I’m only a few days into NC but I am determined to see it through to 30 days. My ex-boyfriend falls into the stubborn category with a bit of ‘poor me I’m a victim’ and ‘she has to contact me first’ attitude so I’m not sure if no contact for 30 days will bother him. If I contact him after 30 days won’t he think that he’s ‘won’ and I’m weak or that I’m attempting to chase him just by getting in touch?

EBR Team Member: Amor

November 26, 2016 at 12:08 pm

Hi Pippa,

that’s why you really need to be active during nc, so that it would like you’re just being friendly because you’re already moving on.

Emily

November 22, 2016 at 3:16 am

I got the full block. Blocked from his phone, unfriended and blocked from facebook. NC is not an OPTION for me, it’s a given. So, I don’t really think he’s wondering why I haven’t contacted him. He’s made it so I can’t. Does he really want me to find a loophole (email maybe) to break the NC once the period is over?

EBR Team Member: Amor

November 24, 2016 at 2:58 pm

Hi Emily

you need to check this:
EBR 002: What To Do If You Have No Way Of Talking To Your Ex

A.L.

November 21, 2016 at 6:45 pm

I met my boyfriend over the summer. He was the contractor I hired on my house to do some work. At the end of the job he kissed me and asked if he can call me later. We dated for 2 months after that. He told me he loved me and we were together almost every day and if not he would call and text me daily. He introduced me to his mother as his girlfriend. He is only here from Cuba for 3 years. He started to feel inferior to me that I was more established financially than him and he would make comments that my house costs more, etc.
Then he went on a trip and said it was to help his son get papers to become a citizen. It didn’t feel right so I put a note on facebook saying I can’t wait until my boyfriend come back, under one of his photos. He removed the comment immediately and then blocked me. We barely spoke after that and he never admitted that the mother of his child came from Cuba and was with him.
Then he came over once and we made love and he was going to fix things in my house. Then he made excuses and did not come saying he did not have the money to fix the things and would not take money from me.
He has things in his house of mine and refuses to return them.
I am friends with his mother on Facebook and she always talks to me. Recently our conversation has been “muted” and I know it was not her. But I am not blocked from her facebook either. She told me she loved me and my children and was so happy I was in his life.
Our last conversation was me demanding for my things back and he said he didn’t have them. It’s been over 45 days now and I am keeping the no contact rule.
I don’t know if there is hope for this relationship or not.

EBR Team Member: Amor

November 23, 2016 at 3:46 pm

Hi Al,
how much did you improve? When did you actually start the count for no contact?

Rachel

November 20, 2016 at 9:30 pm

I also forgot to mention that I am aware of what I did wrong and I need time to get my self esteem back and apologised for asking too much of me…. I love him…. I’m so confused how he won me back and told me he loved me and yet he said he had started to fall out of love with me 2 weeks ago…. He said he wants to be my friend but in regards to a relationship he said he can’t call it

Rachel

November 20, 2016 at 9:31 pm

*too much of him
EBR Team Member: Amor

November 22, 2016 at 10:03 pm

Hi Rachel,

Try ding the no contact rule first..Change and improve..have your own life, start a new routine..continue it even after 30 days of no contact

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