The Grass is Greener Syndrome For Ex Boyfriends

410 thoughts on “The Grass is Greener Syndrome For Ex Boyfriends”

Amanda

August 24, 2016 at 4:16 pm

My ex broke up with me because he “just didn’t see it going any further” and “didn’t feel in love with me.” He took a long time to come to the decision and assured me that I was a wonderful girl who deserved to be loved, but thatbhe just couldn’t do it, despite how much effort I put into the relationship. He also said he wasn’t emotionally mature enough for a serious relationship.

Now it’s 9 months later. I was NC for two months and now see him at events every other month or so since we have mutual friends, but haven’t texted or messaged him once. I still love him, and was told by mutual friends that he recently asked another girl out but was rejected and is now moping about how much it sucks to be single.

The same friend also told me that my ex got upset at him last time we were at the same event because the friend didn’t warn him I was going to be there. When I do see him he tries to be friendly and asks how I/my family is doing. Last time he even asked me about my trip to Russia (I never told him about it, just had pics on Facebook) and doesn’t seem upset. He said he didn’t want to lose me as a friend when he dumped me, but neither of us have made an effort to be in contact since.

Is now a good time to try and reach out? Is it possible that after being rejected he’ll realize the grass isn’t greener? Or is it too soon?

Amanda

September 11, 2016 at 1:30 pm

*It’s been 9 months since we last texted each other
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 13, 2016 at 2:47 pm

I think that message is good because it sounds more casual than saying hope to see him around sometime
Amanda

September 11, 2016 at 1:28 pm

So, his birthday’s on Wednesday and I of course already thought of what I should send him. Here’s what I have:

Hey there, happy 24th!
– Here I’m attaching a funny happy birthday video referencing one of our old inside jokes –
In all seriousness though happy birthday. I just wanted to say I’m thinking of you, I hope you have an awesome day today and that everything’s been good with you. Miss ya.

I don’t know whether to close it by admitting that I miss him, or if I should say anything along the lines of “I hope I see you around sometime” since it’s been a while since we’ve seen each other. Is it better to just those kinds of sentiments out of it?
Amanda

September 1, 2016 at 1:25 pm

Thanks, Amor! I was making myself crazy all week about this and you helped me out big time! You’re a lifesaver! <3
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 1, 2016 at 3:05 pm

You made me feel good too! Thank you!
Amanda

August 31, 2016 at 1:53 pm

Is it okay to ask him if he’d like to catch up sometime and apologize for being cold before? Or should I wait till his birthday to send him a light-hearted, fun message and hope he replies?
EBR Team Member: Amor

August 31, 2016 at 4:09 pm

hmmm.. the apology would be better if it’s done in person when he’s in the best mood.. I think the birthday message is a better option
Amanda

August 24, 2016 at 4:45 pm

I’ve done a lot for myself since the breakup. I bought my own place, took up sailing, travelled…

When I saw him at a party two months ago I ignored him completely and when I left he tried to yell bye at me, but I pretended not to hear. I tried being a little more friendly last time, but I’m still not sure how he feels about me. He might think I hate him :/. Or I may just be reading too far into the few signs there are from him.
EBR Team Member: Amor

August 28, 2016 at 4:36 pm

Hi Amanda,

he will only realize the grass is not greener if he sees that you’re actually better or the attitude of the girl is worse..

that’s good that you have improved a lot.. I think it’s time to slowly build rapport now.. be that great girl that he has fun with and yet isnt demanding because she has her own life.. so that he wont think you’re the same as before..

let him be the one to confess and ask for you back. Let him think you’re not being friendly to get him back and just continue being amazing on your own and making every time with him amazing

Angry lday

August 23, 2016 at 4:07 pm

Hi, so in my other thread that i can’t find you said it seems lile gigs. My question is is it a rebound also? How do i know its not a rebound. They have been talking for like 2months now, i dont know how many times they see each other sice she live so far but im guess perhaps every other weekend. But i dont know for sure. She is pretty perhaps prettier thanme idk. She is thinner and has bigger breast so the physical is there. Im sure he started talking to her shortly after he dumped me. For sure he slept with her mid july, like a monthe after the last time he and i had break up sex i guess. She is being very public that her heart /interest is for him and wants evryone to know, like i said in other thtlread she pu his full name plus a heart on her profile. He has not done that yet. I am about 90% sure she is going to san diego with him and his friends this weekend. Should i unfolow his friend on fb and ig? I dont want to see them together. Also if you remember my 2nd text got no response, and i am supposed to text again this thursday or friday. Should i text thirsday before he goes to san diego or wait till next week when he gets back? Or do this weekendwhen he is in san diego and she might be there? And i was going to text him that his fave band is going to do show that i wasnt sure if he saw it? Is that interesting eenough to get a response?

Angry lday

August 24, 2016 at 10:23 pm

Im still not sure about this, if it is gigs or rebound or both. He had posted on 8/12 a post about forgiveness, that somepeople dont know true forgiveness and that he knows people in particular who say they forgive but they dont forget but thats not true forgiveness and that it affects how they treat people closes to them and hur those people… im pretty sure meant me in that also. But the picture below his words said that “i forgive you not for you but me, and i let go of all” something like that again prob about me. He broke it off really feeling like i pushed him to that. Again i apologize for my mistakes but i wasnt the only making them and i never gav up on him when he made those mistakes. Ireally need help on if i shoyld text him before he goes oto san diego for his friends bday, while he is there or like monday when he gets back? Again this girl with prob be there. Also is letting him know about his fave band being in concert a good text “did yo know your band is out here next month? And send him info. And do you think this girl is gigs and rebound or just gigs?

archie

June 30, 2016 at 2:52 pm

hi.
You’re the acquaintance..am i right?

ok.about me. its been 5 months since my breakup. We brokeup because after a series of events he said he cannot trust me anymore. and he said i dont exist for him anymore and bocked me everywhere- whatsapp, facebook n everywhere. He wouldnt come to meet me nor talk to his friends about me. He said he really hates me. And i am his 3rd girlfriend. He similarly ended previous 2 relationships like cut all contacts all of a sudden and expects them to move on. But he said i was special and unlike his previous girlfriends , but now he has lost all love for me. I was devastated hearing this. So the first whole month i spend calling and tring to make him meet me, Wrote him hate letters and sorry letters, but he wouldnt budge. Half through second month i decided to move on but i so badly wanted a response from him so i made a fake account in fb and started talking to him. He somehow found out its me and unfriended me. 2 months later, i send him a whatsapp letter, and in the meantime i stayed active in the whatsapp group we had together with our friends, posting happy pictures etc. but still i was blocked. last month, i.e 2 months after i last tried contacting him, i picked up all my courage to finally send him a letter on all our beautiful moments and how grateful i was for everything he taughtme and loved me and cared for me. He unblocked me and said those were some beautiful words and it did make his day. That was it. the respose to my 4- page letter. Since then i’ve been on no contact, but once in a while i do post funny stuff in the common group and other members respond positively. its been a month since the letter and still he hasnt contacted me. i really want him to talk to me. what should i do now.

EBR Team Member: Amor

July 1, 2016 at 1:19 pm

HI Archie,

I’ll be honest with you ok.. he probably thinks your that girl that is so crazy about him and won’t stop chasing him. That’s an attraction killer… if you really want him to reach out, you have to aim to be the ungettable girl. check this post out: The Ungettable Girl

T

June 10, 2016 at 7:23 pm

Hello, first of all, the “acquaintance” is probably, you, Brad, am I correct? After 4 years, you found your now-wife, and you guys are happily married ever after. This is my guess!

Now back to my situation…I have been in a 3 years relationship with a boyfriend who may or may not be have GIGS. He is a hairstylist, very popular with women (I knew this even before we got together). However, just like you Brad, although he is very attractive, he is also very loyal at the same time, he would never cheat, heck he wouldn’t even talk to any random girls (unless they were coworkers or customers). Anyways, all of his relationships in the past didn’t end well, not long either, vary from a few months to maybe half a year usually. I am his most serious and longest relationship, I get along with his family and friends (even his ex-girlfriends spoke highly of me when they heard about us dating, and they said that I was the right girl for him). I don’t want to be arrogant, of course I had my ‘needy/clingy’ side, of course we had fights, but I believe I have been very sweet, patient, and understanding throughout all these years, and that I knew I was a perfect girlfriend (and wifey material) for him (things I’ve done could become a long list so I’ll skip that part).
Not sure if he was a commitment-phobe, GIGS, and/or he is a very stubborn man, but that was really how we broke up 2 months ago. It was out of the blue…I even completed 30 days no contact, but he didn’t even respond to my first text. (It wasn’t even a pointless text) I believe I’ve done everything correctly…but I’m just so lost right now.

EBR Team Member: Amor

June 16, 2016 at 7:51 am

Hi T,

sorry for the late reply.. you said he is a Gigs case? how did you know? was there another woman? and why did he say not to find him? why, where did he go? During the 30 days, did you start to improve yourself and were active in social media?

Confused girl. n

February 28, 2016 at 10:01 pm

Hi!
I have a few questions about this article.
1. What’s the difference in The grass is greener syndrome and rebound? My 3 year ex boyfriend broke up with me two months ago because we were fighting a lot and said we were different people (actually we are not). A month and a half later he started dating causally this girl he was flirty with when we were dating. He swore to me he didn’t left me for her and that he didn’t do anything with her when he were together. She’s just so different from me, and in a few ways a lot lot different from him. However, a few friends say that he might be inlove with her. And I don’t know if that’s even possible, it is?
2. How can I know how high is the bar? I mean, we fought a lot, but he was my everything and I was always with him, supporting him. There was a point the last few months that he could only sleep when he was with me. I thought everything was ok.
3. There is a way to set the bar higher after a break up? I mean like becoming the ungettable girl and show him how better things can be, because yes, a lot had to be improved. But I don’t know if that’s a way of setting the bar higher.
4. Is a grass greener syndrome when he starts dating a girl with different beliefs as the ones he has? When she’s completely different from me and when she cannot give him a serious relationship as the one we had? Are those signs of rebound?
Hope you can help me. Thank you in advance.

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 29, 2016 at 12:55 pm

Hi,

Rebound means suddenly having a relationship to get over the breakup.. sometimes the chosen girl can be Gigs for him too because he thinks she’s better than you and could potentially help him to move on

but if it’s a Gig first, he would leave you for her because he saw she was better than you..

2) We can’t be exactky sure how he set your relationship but gauge it from how you think the relationahip went overall and also what caused the
breakup…

3) I’m not sure I understood your question right but when you improve yourself, and he sees you again, he’ll see you in a different light.. and it’s more effective if he sees you after the honeymoon period of his current relationship..

Anon

January 24, 2016 at 12:29 am

Hey Chris, my ex and I had been dating for 8 months. It was a LDR. 7 months he was very strong about the distance and loved me a lot. We were doing good. In the 8th month, he decided to suddenly break up with me. His excuse was that distance was hard and him not seeing me was hurting him. And that he was going thru stress and financial problems. He said he wanted someone physically there for him. He did start talking to this one girl so this is why I think he has the GIGS. I am starting the NC rule. Also, I believe I was a great gf. I even gave him money and he told me that no one would have done that for me. Idk what to do, this is very hard to deal with. I am going to do the NC rule and hope he realizes that he lost his better. I set the bar high, I am sure of that. What is your insight?
krazy love

December 11, 2015 at 5:34 am

The GIGS theory makes alot of sense. I didn’t set the bar very high in my first relationship and he never came back. However I learnt and with my last ex I was thoughtful, adventurous, kind…he wasn’t used to this…in fact maybe he preferred bitches because he stayed with them longer than me who treated him right. I don’t want to brag but his ex wasn’t as pretty as me and was a bitch so I don’t get it. Anyway my question about GIGS is, do you think guys can realise the grass isn’t greener as soon as experiencing first dates with others? Or its not that sudden. I believe hes an idiot for letting me go and has set unrealistic standards for a partner.

Chris Seiter

January 16, 2016 at 10:31 pm

I think it’s not sudden.

I think it can take some time.

Emma

November 16, 2015 at 8:49 am

Hi Chris,
I think your advice on this side is amazing. Hope you have the time to answer.

My ex broke up with me a week ago. We have been dating for 5 years. We were both just 16 years old when we started so we were each others first real love.
He still liked me but my boyfriend felt that he needed to feel what it was like not to be in a relationship since he had never really experienced it. He also said that he hadn’t really missed me the last 1-2 weeks and that he wish he didn’t feel like this.
When he broke up with me it was almost too nice. He cried a bit and he said that he felt so weird and would miss me and think of me and he started talking about the first time we kissed. He broke it off any way.
I really don’t want it to be over. I thought we had the potential to be together for the rest of our lives. We really had a great relationship.
I have been doing the no contact for 4 days now and I planned on going for 30 days.
He has expressed several times during out time together that he need to try to be alone before he can be with me ‘forever’. I think it is a commitment problem since we are only 21.
So my problem is that I don’t know if he will be ready to get back together after just a month. He did break up with me because he needed to be alone and I think that he needs to try this to become more mature and appreciate the relationship. Should I try anyway? And when would be the right time? I really don’t want to loose him.

Thank you so much for the great advise!

Anon

May 26, 2016 at 6:32 pm

Hi Emma,
I’m going through the same thing right now. We were together for almost 7 years, since my sophomore year of high school. We were each other’s first everything. We began as friends, then best friends, and then a couple, while remaining best friends. Our relationship was never boring, but about 2 years ago, I experienced a life changing event with my eyes. It made me so emotional and dependent on him, but he got closer to his gaming as a stress relief since I was becoming “too much.” Last year, he went on a trip when his grandpa died, we had a fight, and he found a rebound girlfriend. He admit it was a mistake, but it wasn’t right of me to sabotage it. Prior to the official breakup (2 weeks ago), he said he just wasn’t that happy anymore, and felt that way for a while (little over 6 months). He wouldn’t give me a chance, especially when I said everything would get better once my eye complication journey is just about to end. He didn’t like that I had trust issues & was angered easily, but I was always faithful, supportive, loyal, and committed. He said the fights and our history was too messed up. I believe he had GIGS. But I can only hope that he could get passed all our fights, and realize through his future relationships, that he had the right one at his first try… I also can’t imagine a future without him, my first love.
Mikey

March 8, 2016 at 9:02 pm

Hi Emma, I am a male but just had the same exact situation with my girlfriend. last week, she broke up with me out of the blues after 4 years and having bought a house together. I’m sure I was so loyal to her, so I think she won’t find the grass greener. I wish you will be replied from someone so at least I can read as well 🙂 How did your story end up?

Milly

November 13, 2015 at 7:41 pm

Hello Chris, my ex husband of 10 years and I broke up a year ago. I left to another state for 3 months and when I came back he had already started a relationship with someone. I Am not sure what it is or if he is over me. He says he is he says he is happy. So now we are on no contact again. We just went to court because we have a daughter and it was ok until the 2nd visit went sour. So now we will be returning to court for modifications on the court order. He now lives with his girlfriend moved in with her 2 weeks after starting this relationship. I know her through mutual friends as well so does my 7 year old daughter. I am really numb about the whole thing. I know my decision to leave was the best one. He proved to be weak and therefore I don’t want him anyway. He didn’t fight for the family or the relationship which leads me to believe he was never in love with me. But my question to you is how is it possible for him to be living already for the past 10 months with someone. I have dated already just recently but I cannot think of living with someone else at this moment. I am still very much in love with him but I have let it go. If you love something let it go if it comes back to you it is yours if it doesn’t then it never was. So I have basically moved on without moving on. I would like to reconcile maybe one day but I am also not pondering at all about it. I am working on myself. And I I feel great. I know this GIGS will be a very good lesson for him. I wasn’t the best but I know I was very good to him. I was hand and foot with this man. I mean I stopped at the end before I left because it was unbearable his verbal abuse in front of the children. And I also warned him. Well so hope you are well. And thank you for letting me write to you.
Barbara Hill

November 6, 2015 at 6:48 am

I think the guy you were refering to in your last comment was yourself.
JC Ann

August 27, 2015 at 8:29 pm

Hi Chris! I am an avid fan of exboyfriendrecovery and I’ve been reading most of your topics that is related with my situation. I had a boyfriend of 2 years and 2 months. Everything was great during our first year. There are fights and misunderstandings but we were able to surpassed it. After our first anniversary everything changed. It seems like he’s beginning to become a completely different person. During our 1st year we live together but after our anniversary which was during summer I had to move out because he will go back to school and study college again. When he started studying, he began to take me for granted. It seems like he discovered a new world full of girls who ran after him. He’s a basketball player and quiet popular in his school and with girls. Because of that he became distant from day to day and I became too needy because he’s not texting me anymore unlike before. We constantly fight because I felt that he’s cheating on me. One day he broke up with me because he said he felt like he’s trapped and he doesn’t have a freedom. So I let him go, after a week I learned that he’s dating someone else from his school. After I learned about that, that’s when I discovered your site and started doing the no contact. I started enjoying and dating another guy. When he learned that I’m dating another guy, he came back to me immediately and I forgave him and accepted him back. We went on with our relationship but the problem is he’s not changing. He’s still flirting with a lot of girls online and he denied me with every girl that he’s flirting with. He told them that were not together anymore and I’m just an ex chasing him. I’ve also heard that he’s been meeting some girls that he flirted with. Last week he broke up with me because he said that I was too needy and he wants to be free. He wants to forget me. So I let him go but I’m really hurting because I really love him and I don’t want to lose him. Now I’ve heard that again he’s courting someone from his school. But then again I also learned that he’s flirting with other girls too. I don’t know what to do Chris. I was so faithful to him during our relationship. We might fight most of the time but I never failed to care for him. To serve him and give him my best. I sacrificed so much for him but he never appreciated it. He even never asked sorry everytime he denies me with the girls that he’s flirting with. I really don’t know what to do. I still love him so much. 🙁 please help me. ?

Jc Ann sotelo

September 7, 2015 at 10:15 pm

It’s been two weeks since I started the no contact and I haven’t heard anything from him. I’m afraid he moved on already. And me, I’m also like starting to lose hope. But I don’t miss him like how I missed him before. I’m okay not having him and I’m enjoying my life being with my friends and family. I still think of him but not so much. I could easily distract myself when I think about him. Do you think I’ve moved on already?
JC Ann

August 27, 2015 at 8:38 pm

And also it’s been two week and he said that I should move on and if it could help me, he wants me to contact those guys that he’s jealous before. Is it really the end of our relationship? Has he really moved on with the girl he likes from his school? It’s only been 2 weeks? Can he really move on that fast? 🙁 help me please. 🙁
Chris Seiter

September 2, 2015 at 3:11 am

It’s likely its a rebound relationship.

Catherine

August 3, 2015 at 6:42 am

Hi Chris, firstly your words have been amazingly helpful to me in the last 24 Hours. And it’s been just over 24 hours since we broke up. I have read your ebook and I think I know my plan of action. I’ll try and keep this short! Sorry though it probably won’t be. I think my bf has a case of the GIGS, actually I’m pretty certain he does. We’ve been together 5 years and we hit it off straight away, we are like 2 peas in a pod. In my opinion I don’t think you can find two more compatible people. I think I’ve set the bar pretty high also. Over the last while, maybe about 9 months, things have been really hard for both of us. He has an extreme amount of work on his plate, basically running 2 companies. I’ve been trying to set up my own company but it’s been really difficult and its definitely effecting my self esteem. Because we were both working so hard, we barely had time for each other and we lost our spark. In this time, a woman he met started coming on to him, on the basis that they were friends, (she’s married) he never told me about this relationship, he kept it to himself, it wasn’t until I came across it by accident that I found out about it. At this point, it was very flirty and she was sending him pictures, but nothing sexual. This is when I realised we were in a really bad place and I make a huge effort to get us back on track. I confronted him about the woman and he insisted that nothing had happened. I trust him on that. We really talked about it and he was starting to make more of an effort with me, he stopped texting her as much. It came out then that he was having loads of doubts about our relationship and that he didn’t know if he could commit to me or support me and didn’t know if we were compatible. He was worried that his willingness to strike up an inappropriate relationship with someone he barely knew meant to him that he didn’t want to be in one. We talked about it and I said I think a lot of what’s going on is to do with his stresses at work and him having to much on his plate and that if he wanted to take some time out he could. He came to the decision that he didn’t want space and he was going to work on us and things that were causing us problems. He came back and made tons of effort, he was being really good and not really texting her all that much. I had said that if he wanted to be friends with the woman, he needed to be open and honest about it and I needed to meet her. He said that he felt a lot better about us after about a week. Things were going ok. Then the woman came back and this time she wanted to meet up with him, she create a situation that he couldn’t really refuse. A chance to drive a very fast car. Something that I’m also hughly into. He told me this and as much as I didn’t want him to meet up with her, I didn’t want to hold him back. He told her that he’d love if I could be involved, but it didn’t work out that I could. So on the day that they met up, it so happened to coincide with me have 2 extremely bad days. Where I was over emotional, over tired and really down. It didn’t help that on top of this their texting had started again because of them meeting up. I got really paranoid and stressed out and angry and I gave him an ultimatum (I’m pretty sure I just heard you sigh) I know stupid mistake. But I couldn’t take it anymore, I asked him to completely stop texting her, that I wanted her gone. He brought up the fact that he had doubts and I said he needed to make a decision. He chose to break up. He left we really didn’t talk about anything else, I rang him afterwards really upset and we talked a little bit but he seemed pretty final about it all. He was also being really hard on himself, saying he was an asshole and he’d only do again and that he couldn’t appreciate love given to him or given by him, also the usual fillers, you deserve better, I can’t give you what you need. Since then we haven’t talked, but he is yet to come back and move out because it’s been a day. I really regret giving him the ultimatum and a part of me wants to try and fix it all when he gets back. And another part of me wants to do the NC and make him realise what he has lost. Make him come to his senses, but I’m so afraid that he’ll take a really long time to realise that. I’m sure you won’t get to see this in time, as there will be so many other women in my situation wanting advice. So I have a question about your ebook. In the part where where your taking the initiative to ask him out, the “I was just in the neighbourhood” do you consider that to be a first date? Or is that just a casual meeting and there should be a proper first date? Secondly, do you have any advice about what to do when you do get back together, how to remain a certain amount of UG? So that you don’t fall into that same trap? (I think there is a another ebook right there) Again thank you!! ps: another ebook would be the one of how to get your relationship back on track when it’s going bad. I really could have done with that!

Chris Seiter

August 6, 2015 at 10:52 pm

I just finished writing “the texting bible” a comprehensive guide of text messages but am always looking to add more ebooks.

naaz

July 7, 2015 at 5:20 pm

Hi Chris.
I am on my 10th Day of NC. My ex blocked me everywhere and found a new girlfriend(itz not a rebound). He flirts with many and planning date with the current girl. I dont see him interested in me. He is like feed my ego person. he always run behind girls. What can make a boy love u again and commit to u. When he completely doesn’t want u and ignores u and dont need any committed relation. Therez no care no love no affection. How can u make someone urz. He showed me his love only for 1st 3 months and then it was all fights and arguments which now had turned into a complete break up. can u ever make someone love u back and get commit. What makes this type of personality (ffeed my ego) make urz & love back.
m sorryyy m in a situation wer it hurts to loose him. Coz everything was good and then everything messed up.
plz help
Sena

June 16, 2015 at 9:41 am

That’s you finding the greener grass(your wife).
Bee

June 14, 2015 at 10:19 pm

The aquaintance was you?!

Chris Seiter

June 18, 2015 at 1:58 pm

Correct!

Angela

June 5, 2015 at 6:18 pm

I think it was you !

Chris Seiter

June 18, 2015 at 1:49 pm

Yup

Heartbroken

June 5, 2015 at 4:17 pm

It was you! You’re the acquaintance. 🙂

Chris Seiter

June 18, 2015 at 1:49 pm

Yup.

Beth

June 2, 2015 at 4:20 am

Was it your father?

Beth

June 2, 2015 at 11:04 pm

Lol, your ‘acquaintance’
Chris Seiter

June 3, 2015 at 5:05 pm

Nope!
Chris Seiter

June 2, 2015 at 3:58 pm

Huh?

Kristen

May 29, 2015 at 1:06 am

Hi there,

I am very confused. My boyfriend just broke up with me after three years, living together for two of those years. First year and a half was great, we were perfect and then it started to crumble a bit. The daily chores of dishes, laundry, shopping crept up and he pretty much hated having to be an adult. We are both now 24 years old. We both work full time and I expected everything having to be done as an equal part. The less he did the more I nagged therefore the more we fought. We began bickering so much that that we just drifted further and further apart but didn’t want to break up. February of this year he announced that he wanted to move home and live seperately from me. He started distancing himself and acting really cold. Lying, talking bad about me and excluding me all while telling me we would be okay. Not to mention he booked a trip without me, behind my back on Valentine’s Day. We were to move out at the end of April, and for that whole month he was kind and loving. Then we moved and he asked for a two week break, then after the break he was ignoring me which made me feel needy and desperate which drove him away. He then ended our relationship on what would’ve been our three year anniversary. He said he is stressed from work and stressed from the constant fighting. He loves me but he thinks we need space at least a month but no promise for the future.

Advice? I’m trying the no contact rule out at least for the month. So far so good although I’m tempted all the time.

Thanks.
Jessy

May 26, 2015 at 12:26 am

Hi Chris!!
I really need your help for I have a very confusing situation. My bf (of almost 4 years) broke up with me about 3 weeks ago. The reason for our breakup was due to many factors: our relationship just got way too comfortable (for me that is not necessarily a bad thing, I mean come on how beautiful is it when you can be comfortable with your partner and be completely yourself? We became best friends and to me that is special, but to him we got “deep in the comfort zone”), lost of spark (due to the comfort, I guess? However I always suggested going out doing really fun things or going to places we had never been, but he was always so tired from work on the weekends that he would just want to stay home and relax), loss of intimacy (we still live with our parents so of course having sex can be tricky when we work crazy hours during the week and on the weekends he was always so tired and our parents were home so it just got difficult and obviously he compares it to the beginning of our relationship when it was all the time regardless of his parents being home, but I guess since we were getting really serious going on 4 years I cared more about doing that with his parents home because i don’t want to lose their respect.) also a loss of communication (which is so important in a relationship. My ex has communication issues because he feels responsible for everyones feelings and happiness so he is always scared to say what is on his mind, to express his wants and emotions etc. He doesn’t like confrontation. I guess he has a lot of maturing to do on that part.) Anyway because he is a horrible communicator and doesn’t like confrontation he was having some doubts in our relationship for less than a year but didn’t know how to tell me. During this period, we were both finishing our last semester, which was torturous because we both had senior thesis to write plus keeping up with all of our other courses. We would carpool together, do homework together, study together and I guess it got in the way of the romance and we kind of both put it on hold because we were both so focused on graduating and doing well. In my head I was getting through this with my best friend/love of my life and it was exciting that we could be there for each other and be each others support system. For him I guess he started having doubts because the romance was no longer alive. My ex told me the common phrase ” I love you but don’t know if I am in love with you” BS and when I asked how he defined being “in love” one of the things that stood out to me that he said was “feeling butterflies.” I couldn’t help but to laugh in his face because come on! after 4 years you expect to still feel butterflies? He has this romanticized fantasy of a relationship and that a relationship is supposed to feel like the honeymoon phase throughout the whole entire relationship. He doesn’t believe it is normal for there to be wrong turns, bumps, struggles, etc. He thinks it is supposed to be perfect! But every relationship after the honeymoon phase requires work in order to establish a solid foundation. You see, I am his first true love and first long term relationship so this man is pretty confused on what a relationship is supposed to be like given I am his first real one. We started dating when I was 19 and he was 21 so all his experiences before lasted a couple months and as for me I had a 2 year relationship before him so I was clear on what to expect and what a relationship requires and it hurts me to believe he actually feels like this romanticized movie driven relationship actually exists! We were inseparable and our relationship was a bliss! I know that is so cliche but everyone (friends and family) knew we were together for the long run. My mother called him her son, his family treated me like a daughter. We were so in love and then it just got so weird with him. He felt I was ready to settle and he got cold feet a little. I would talk about moving in and marriage but come on! all girls do! and especially after almost 4 years together! There is so much more to this story but pretty much he broke up with me because he was having doubts and he let them take full control (I told him doubts were normal and everyone has them especially in a long term relationship but since I am his first he doesn’t understand that those feelings are normal. He believes they are code for the relationship is wrong because I am having these feelings so I need to get out.) He says he needs to work on himself and figure out who he is. He knows who he is with me but not by himself. He wants to be single and date other people (grass is greener on the other side syndrome?). He told me he is taking a huge risk by ending things which I of course agreed but he wants to see if this relationship that he envisions exists. For me, it is a huge slap in the face because our relationship was beautiful and I loved how comfortable we were with each other and how we were best friends and knew everything about each other and completely understood each other. Yes, there were things we needed to work on but hello! communicate, speak up! And it is crazy how he doesn’t want to work it out after 4 years! He just gives up like that! It is so painful. But anyway, I haven’t done the NC rule because it has been really hard and we both text each other and we have seen each other a couple of times since. He asks his sister and my best friend how I am doing. He tells my best friend that he misses me but he couldn’t continue the relationship with doubts. He still has our pictures on his wall (I know because he told me and my best friend). I also heard that he has been playing depressing love songs on his guitar yet he is still so certain about this breakup and how it is for the best. He is even already dating other girls, what is up with that? Is it to fill a void? I just don’t understand where his head is at and what I need to do in order to get him back. I have concert tickets and he was supposed to go with me. The concert is not for another 3 weeks and he says he wants to go if I want him to, and I do but I am not sure if that is a good idea. I don’t know what to do. I want him back. I miss him like crazy. But he is so certain that the breakup is best and he doesn’t want to work it out as he thinks we are too deep in the comfort zone and he has those doubts. How could he already be moving on like that! He isn’t the type that sleeps around at all. Maybe he is just realizing how young he is and having a long term serious relationship is adding pressure and since he has never experienced what else is out there, he is confused on how he is supposed to know I am the one? Advice please! Sorry for any typos. I was writing on a tangent.

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