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Hoky Poky
April 19, 2015 at 5:36 pm
Dear Chris,
My ex-bf and I are in our early 50s. We both had bad previous marriages and swore that we were eachothers “love of their live”. I suffer from insecure ambivilent attachment issues so had alot of insecurities throughout our relationship. He was soooo good to me, however I kept raising the bar and giving him one more hurdle to cross before I would marry him. I didn’t realize what I was suffering from when I called it off on Valentines day this year (2015) and broke his heart. I did something really crazy to push him away, hurt him deeply.
Since the first part of March, I’ve had off and on contact with him and he has written several emails saying that he needs the break as much as I do. ANy time I have talked to him he is seething with anger. He told me that if I needed to see other people, I was free to do so… he was NEVER possessive or jealous, ever. Then I hit bottom after he unfriended me and rescinded our domestic partnership, etc about 3 weeks into our break. I completely broke down, saw a therapist, and was ready to check myself into the Pschye ward! I realize my psychological issue and have been attending weekely 12 step programs and working on my issues with a therapist. I realize now what I did wrong in the relationship. I am well educated and have own company. He is essentially a head janitor in the local school district but is as intelligent as me. His family didn’t emphasize education and I felt that the GIAG at times. What I realize is that he grounded me and allowed me to fly! He gave me unconditional love and support and everything I ever wanted in a man. Its been 2 months now since the break.
Last week he went to our monthly square dance event at the grange in our community and it felt like he was hoping I would be there. I was, but felt uncomfortable and left early without talking to him. I miss him terribly. I went through a friend who asked him about me and this is what she said….. he got tired of always having to jump over hurdles with me. He was hurt that I was uncomfortable with some of his friends, hurt that one time I yelled at him and called him an asshole on a stressful business trip, hurt that I had “one foot out the door” and at times would talk to male friends. ALl of it really minor stuff with the exception of not loving and accepting him as he is. I went to his house and spoke to him about everything. I apologized and said that I had hit bottom and this was the first time in my life I understood my problem of a fear of intimacy and closeness but that I was grateful to have figured it out. I told him that I didn’t want anybody else. My horses are at his house and I asked him if he could trailer my horse to the vet the coming saturday. Saturday came and he texted me that he had other plans. So I called a friend (guy) who showed up 20 minutes later with his trailer. My ex-bf showed no emotion. Next day when I was there working my horse in the outdoor pasture, about an half hour after getting there, I see him get in his truck, duded up to go to town obviously on a date. Im heartbroken that this is going on. He said that he still loves me yet he is so hurt and overwhelmingly angry. The mutual friend told him to be fair with me and give me a chance to work through my therapy. He didn’t respond to her text after she told him that and that is when he drove to town apparently to go on a date.
I have lost so much weight. I have very beautiful for my age and before taking down my profile from the dating website (which I did last night) had 100s of men, good quality too, attempting to meet me. I know now that he was the love of my life for sure and I deeply regret my actions towards him. I know that he is deeply hurt and doesnt’ want to get hurt again and wants to be accepted for who and what he is, since its already been 2 months, what is a proper coarse of action here? You should use Skype and Paypal and get paid for advice! Anyway, if you could take a minute and think about my situation and reply as to whats in a guys head here and how I should respond, it could spare me another trip to the shrink!
P.S. Hoky Poky is his nickname for me! Geee, I wonder why!
Chris Seiter
April 20, 2015 at 9:30 pm
Hoky Poky!
I like it.
You seem like you are a ranch gal.
Unfortunately I no longer offer consultations (I might in the future some time.)
You can buy my ebook though if you haven’t already.
Carolina
April 9, 2015 at 9:43 pm
Hi I’m getting really anxious and desperate. Please help me.
My ex and I were together for three years. We were really happy until fall 2014 I had just transferred to a new college and was stressing out a lot. My bf then supported me through everything but then we had a really stupid fight in November and he broke up with me. He said he was stressed about the fights. I told him I was willing to work on that but he didn’t want to listen to me anymore. Well a day later he called me crying begging to get back together and I was so happy cause I didn’t want us to breakup. We promised we’d work on our issues and we did. The next few months were fine until the begging of March. We’ve had three fights overall since the last breakup. Two of them he started. They weren’t screaming fights. They never are. One was just me telling him what he did wrong in a calm manner. It was more of a discussion but he calls it an argument. The second fight was strange he brought ice cream for me cause I was on my monthly and I appreciated that he went and got it but then I realized it was the wrong flavor than the one I wanted. I thought we were comfortable enough with each other that we could speak our mind and stuff. I said thanks babe but that’s not what I like. I’ll still eat it though thanks.
He flipped out and yelled at me and said sorry that he couldn’t do anything right. I was so confused where this was all coming from. Never have I ever made him feel that way. Well we talked and worked everything out but I feel he has stress from work/school/home he never told me about. Anyway the last fight I started. I was being clingy because I wanted him to come over a lot during his spring break because I had planned stuff for us to do and I was really excited. But everything turned bad, he misunderstood me because we fought through text which is so stupid and I will never do it again. I pushed him away and I didn’t mean to and I regret it immensely. He dumped me. He came over the next day to do it in person. I was a mess, I was crying and couldn’t think well. He said he didn’t think he loved me and that he was attracted to other girls. I lost my mind. I had no idea where this was all coming from. We made love two days before the breakup and he told me he loved me and wanted to marry me. I was so confused and heartbroken. I wanted to do no contact but four days later his beloved cat died and I felt so bad so i responded. We talked and he said he was depressed and I couldn’t tell if it was because the breakup or the cat. Well I came off as needy and we stopped talking. Two days later I couldn’t handle not talking to him and I begged him to come back but he said he moved on. I tried no contact again. However days later my uncle passed away and I was even more depressed. Ex contacted me a few days later paying his respects. He also said I deserve the best. I didn’t respond because I knew I’d go crazy. Couple days later I contacted him to meet up and get closure but things got bad. He said I give him heartache and stress. He told me he had a date the next day and that he went out to bars and that he was on Tinder. He also added 30 girls on Facebook. None of them were Hispanic which is what I am. They were all different than me.
I was really hurt but I didn’t let him know and played it cool. I tried ending on a good note told him I’d always love him and be there for him and he responded with an “okay whatever bye”. I was heartbroken I stopped talking to him and did NC. Two weeks later he messaged me to delete any nudes I had of him. then another text saying he did the same for me and that he knew I’d delete them if he asked but then he got demanding because I didn’t respond. He demanded a confirmation that I did it but I didn’t respond because I was really busy with school. He called me five times the next day and a voicemail. He called me immature and stubborn and unfriended me on Facebook as punishment. He even said “you said you’d always be there for me”. I felt I had no choice but to respond. I responded in a mature manner and he apologized for being impulsive and friended me on Facebook again. He said he was really frustrated that I ignored him then he asked if we could be friends I said yes but then immediately he started texting me like we’re best friends which I don’t want. I want to be with him again. I love him so much. He admitted he still misses me but doesn’t want a romantic relationship with me. I’m so sad and depressed I don’t know what to do. I don’t want him to move on and talk to other girls I’m so scared. Please help im desperate and anxious. Im on nc day 18 but it was interrupted when he messaged me. Please help
Sarah
April 4, 2015 at 6:25 am
Hi Chris,
It’s been 11 weeks since my ex and I broke up, he felt uncertain about his future, his job and career and was uncertain whether I was the one. We are both approaching 30 so I can understand how he feels, but I’m disappointed after 3 years he was unsure about me, especially when we’ve hardly had any issues in the duration of our relationship. I told him even though I love him, I didn’t want to be someone he is content with for the time being until he thinks he can find someone better. He also said he does love me, but he didn’t want to waste my time, because he is just too uncertain about the future in general to commit to me for the rest of his life. We’ve had no contact since breaking up, except 1 text message each a month ago when I tried your initial text message tactic where you bring up a positive memory we both shared, that it reminded me of him and hoped he was well. He however replied a very neutral response that ended the conversation on his end, discouraging me from sending a follow up text. I don’t think I will message him again for another 2 or 3 months, I don’t want him to think I’m being too available.
During the relationship there was a tough period for a while when his mother had cancer and he became unemployed for 9 months. Eventually his mother’s health did recover and he found a new job which he enjoyed doing, but perhaps didn’t pay as well as he had hoped for. He also had the grass is greener syndrom, often comparing himself against his friends and I felt perhaps he felt a little inferior against his friends in the wealth department. I think his mother tried to encourage him to settle down with me since we had been together for 3+ years and both approaching 30, and perhaps because of her experience with cancer, she kind of wanted grandchildren… which may have pressured my ex negatively. Aside from the pressure, I also wonder if he was uncertain about me, because of his lack of relationship experience (I was his first girlfriend), perhaps he wants to see what else is out there before he settles down.
Does that mean I have to wait for him to get his shit together – ie. date a few wrong people, become more financially secure by his perspective – before he realises what we had was pretty amazing? That could take years? I think he’s worth it, but apart from being the ungettable girl, it seems there’s not much else I can do but wait for him to experience… life?
Sarah
April 4, 2015 at 11:09 am
And what if, like you said – he just completely moves on and doesn’t go on the rebound anytime soon, he’s more likely to find greener grass. Because I know he’s not the type of guy that gets into another relationship unless he’s very certain and thinks he can really commit to them. Seems a bit risky if I keep waiting forever on him to find a new girl to date, because maybe the grass really is greener since his next relationship is most likely not a rebound. But even if I manage to win him back before he dates someone else, wouldn’t he always wonder about all that potential greenness elsewhere? Is it possible to reconcile and make him commit to me without having to wait for him to date someone else for comparison?
Marina
March 17, 2015 at 7:29 pm
What if grass wasn’t greener, how long will it take him to come back considering that he is shy type?
Lee
April 18, 2015 at 3:00 pm
My advice is don’t wait.
My GIG ex hasn’t revealed them self back into my life yet, even though now it’s over 2 years on and I’m just starting my dream career.
Try new things and enjoy the time, everyone has ‘the day’ and there’s no point in worrying about it. Hey.. you might get lucky! 🙂 Success is the best Revenge. OR it’s at least what I have done.
Hope this helped.
admin
March 18, 2015 at 9:04 pm
Could be fast could be long… There is really no data I can look at to figure out an exact time frame.
Sorry Marina.
Marina
March 19, 2015 at 3:13 pm
That’s what i wanted to know, that it can also take him long. Thank you.
jodi brast
February 24, 2015 at 9:32 am
Hello,
I’m a hairdresser and did this guy’s hair for a year and had a huge crush on him. I was always professional though because he was married. Then one day he comes in having lost ten pounds and tells me that his wife of 25 years left him for another man. After about a month he went on match and dated like crazy for a month. Then he asked me out and we became exclusive at his urging very soon. We went out for three months total, then I went on the pill and all hell broke lose. They say that you’re protected from getting pregnant in just 7 days of taking birth control, so it works quickly. On day 5 of being on the pill I had a huge fit that he was spending time with a female friend, and the fight escalated over a few days until he said he needed space and maybe in 6 months we could try again. I have since read and heard that the pill can make women crazy, and this really wasn’t like me, I have always been secure in my relationships and didn’t worry about other women. A week later I went off the pill and instantly felt like my old self, but was horrified to read some of the emails I had sent during our week long argument/break up. I contacted him and told him that the pill influenced me and he agreed that I’m not like that, but it didn’t matter because he had no business getting into a serious relationship so soon after his divorce. He assured me that he wasn’t going to date anyone for 6 months and asked for space, so I gave it to him. Two months later when I didn’t hear from him I sent him a nice email telling him that I didn’t regret getting involved with him but I was moving on. He wrote back basically saying that he was nowhere close to being healed from his divorce and still needed time. I did not respond to his email and a few days later he texted me asking why I hadn’t responded and did I want to meet for coffee. I met him for coffee that day and we had a nice visit, and didn’t talk about the relationship, however he did say that he had been on Match for the past month. We said goodbye and he held me a long time and kissed my cheek. Three hours later he texted me that it felt so good to see me, felt so good to hold me, wondered what I felt, and maybe we should talk??? The next day we met briefly in his car and he asked me where I was at. I told him that I was upset that he had been dating when he assured me he wasn’t wanting to do that. I told him that I wanted him back but that I too now had a profile on match since I found out that he was dating. He said that him dating others made me look really good because no one could make him feel as good as I did, but that he needed just a little bit more time to date because he got married at 20 and went from that to me without dating a lot. Then things got bad because I lost my confidence and started to look desperate. I loved this man and thought that he was the one. I wrote him an email telling him that, I also got mad at him for trying to be sexual when he saw me, and made it clear that I would not have sex with him unless I was in a committed relationship again, and if he wanted to be my friend which he said he did, then he should not make sexual passes at me and behave like a friend. He went out of town and a week later invited me on a bike ride/lunch. The bike ride was great but at lunch he gave me details about a sexual experience he had while dating, (though they didn’t actually have sex.) He asked if I was ok to hear this and I said yes. He went on to say that he needed to have other relationships for a while before he could settle down. The date ended and the next day I sent him another email telling him that if we were going to be friends I couldn’t hear about his sexual experiences with others, at least not in the beginning. He called me and we talked and I blew it, I cried and told him how much I wanted him. He asked me if I really thought that we wouldn’t be together in 2 or 3 years down the road. So confused. I have been spying on him on match because I can see when he’s online. He was searching almost every night for hours and hours, but now he is never online and I fear that he is dating someone and soon his profile will be removed from the sight. He says that I was the right girl at the wrong time in his life. He is also mentioned that when he first got on match that it’s overwhelming and you date tons of people just once because there’s always someone new, but now he’s decided to date people multiple times so that he can get to know them. He is searching very diligently and making it his mission to find someone better. He says nothing but good things about me and what a wonderful girlfriend I was, and he tried to keep me from moving on by telling me that in 6 months we could try again, and by not telling me he was dating others until we met for coffee. What is going on here, and how can I get him back when I’ve already revealed how gettable I am? I am devastated. I am 46 and have never felt this strongly for anyone, never wanted to marry any of my previous boyfriends until him. I worry also because from the very beginning he said I was exactly like his ex wife was in the beginning of the relationship, a nurturing and affectionate woman who needed to be rescued. He sees me as someone who needs to be rescued which is not true, but I think he’s spooked because he always compared me to her and now wants to date a totally different kind of woman, a very successful CEO type. Also he’s going for younger too. I feel very insecure right now and can’t stand it.
admin
February 24, 2015 at 9:48 pm
Have you attempted NC yet?
chetna
February 20, 2015 at 9:30 pm
Hi Chris,
What would you recommend in the case of grass is greener syndrome most likely plus an ex saying that he may not be a monogamous kind of guy? We were together for almost a year, we were each other’s first long term relationship and he broke it off because it was getting too serious for him and stressing him out and he thinks that he needs to get to know himself better. He says he needs to date other people in order to do this and date multiple at a time possibly which I find just plain silly because you don’t find yourself in other people, you need to do that on your own and look within yourself. He says that he’s never been as close to someone as me before and that he really tried to be with me but I don’t think he ever have it his all.
We weren’t that serious (no talk of marriage – I’m definitely not ready for that) when we were together but rather we stopped having fun because we were both stressed with work. I wanted to go back to having fun dates with him and he’s more interested in dating around and finding new girls I guess.
I still feel deeply for him and I wonder if we could make it work. No our relationship wasn’t perfect but I don’t expect perfect nor do I believe any lasting relationship is perfect. There will always be low points but I don’t think that’s when you give up. To me that’s just treating people as though they’re objects you can throw away when you’re done with them. If the foundation of understanding and trust is there then you work on the rest before throwing in the towel. Who knows, maybe I’m just a naive romantic.
I’ve been reading your site and have found it helpful so thanks. I’m at about day 23 with limited no contact (we work in the same building and occasionally cross paths where I say Hi in a friendly tone). I’ve been going out and trying to have fun enjoying my life on my own and generally I do but I wish I could share a lot of these experiences with him since I know he’d enjoy them too.
Do you think the no contact rule followed up by the text msg strategy will work for a guy clearly confused about what he wants (monogamy / playing the field with no serious commitments to anyone)?
Thanks for reading and all the help.
admin
February 21, 2015 at 12:08 am
Hold the horses… He said he wasn’t a monogamous guy?
chetna
February 21, 2015 at 1:04 am
This is what he’s telling me now after almost a year of dating. Thing is he’s never dated multiple people at a time before. He’s only ever had 2 or 3 dates with the same girl before and I was the first he wanted to see for longer and give it a shot with. He keeps saying how he wants to be open to the idea of open relationships and dating multiple girls and yet he can barely have a relationship with one. From everything that I’ve observed about him it seems as though he doesnt want to let anyone in too close and so casually dating girls is what he thinks is the best thing to do. I feel like he’s just running away from being in a relationship because it can be hard at times. Maybe I should just get over him and forget about him.
Thanks for replying so quickly.
admin
February 22, 2015 at 4:29 pm
He wants to date multiple girls…
Seriously?
He seriously said that.
chetna
February 22, 2015 at 5:50 pm
He thinks in order to be open he needs to be open to the idea of open dating (i.e. casual dating which requires no commitment and results in apparently no expectations from anyone). And one of those expectations to get rid of is that he can’t go out and meet someone else and pursue them. Which is crazy cause he doesn’t go out much in the first place and barely lets anyone in. When we broke up he gave me a bunch of reasons why he was ending it: he can’t handle a relationship right now, just wants to casually date, he’s too young to commit to anything right now (he’s 27), oh and get this: why would you restrict yourself from being with other people? It’s like only eating your favourite food everyday and never having anything else. I was offended by that because people aren’t food, sex is not food, we don’t stay the same forever so in what way are we akin to these objects? I get the feeling that he’s chasing after the honeymoon period because he thought that after a year together things shouldn’t be hard or that there shouldn’t be any work involved in the relationship. He’s been emotionally detaching himself from anything in life that may cause him pain (from the ancient greek philosophy of stoicism) and I guess I may be one of them since I’m from another country (canada) although I want to stay here (usa) for a very long time.
I dunno. Maybe I should give up but I think this could’ve been great. When he’s actually present and there in the moment with me we have a great time together and I feel at home like I’ve never felt before. Sometimes I think about everything he said for why we shouldn’t be together and it just sounds like bullshit to cover up that he’s scared shitless of being with someone and possibly getting hurt from it one day so let’s just jump ship right now before that.
chetna
February 20, 2015 at 10:25 pm
Oops that should be *gave it his all* not have it his all. My bad!
Rebecca
February 2, 2015 at 10:01 pm
Hi Chris,
Just stumbled upon your page here while trying to find out what was going on in my ex’s head, thank you for clarifying everything, this is him to a tee! We went out for 2 and a bit years, had a really great time together, honestly we were really great with each other. I was his first girlfriend and sexual partner, which I think is contributing a lot to his GIGS. He is a physiotherapist and there is no work for them here, so after months and months of contemplation, he decided he would move to New Zealand with a group of his physio friends. He made this decision in Nov and we decided that we would talk about what we would do about us after Christmas as we were still in love and I was doing my Masters. However, 4 days before my first exam at the start of Dec, he out of the blue breaks up with me. A few weeks later, I went to his house and we decided that we would spend his last few weeks at home together (we live in Ireland). Anyway we had some of the best times in those last three weeks, even better than when we were together! But now he is gone a week, he called me a few days ago and said that we should only talk about once or twice a week which I was a bit upset about. He said he would text me next week but I have decided that now I’m going to go full no contact, but I just wonder how long I should give him to find himself? He is due to come home at Christmas but his flights are open return so he can come home whenever, so I just wonder after 30 days of no contact what next? Should I even hold out hope for him? I honestly believe that he is the one and am willing to let him have his space to figure it out. Any advice would be appreciated really!
admin
February 3, 2015 at 1:13 pm
Isn’t Christmas over?
Rebecca
February 3, 2015 at 10:13 pm
Hi Chris,
Yes Christmas is over! He has flights booked to return next Christmas so what I mean is he isn’t gone indefinitely and can come back whenever he wants. Its just should I even try to get him to want to come back? Or just give him the time that he needs? I’m just very confused about the whole situation!
admin
February 4, 2015 at 2:08 pm
Man he is certainly thinking really far ahead.
Give him some time right now.
Rebecca
February 4, 2015 at 2:19 pm
Is this a situation where you would extend the no contact rule for maybe 60 days?
admin
February 5, 2015 at 2:59 pm
Off the top of my head… No there isn’t.
Rebecca
February 10, 2015 at 1:50 am
Hi Chris,
So he text me yesterday, on day 10 of NC saying “Hey, how are you? Sorry I haven’t really been in touch! I’m free for a chat now if you want or if you don’t thats ok too. Hope you are doing ok!”
I feel like he only text me because he said he would and not because he actually wanted to. After the week had gone by I was sure he wasn’t going to text me so I was kind of taken aback when he did. I know I shouldn’t respond and I’m not going to, I just wonder do you think this was a pity text? Or did he actually want to talk to me? I know he needs time to sort through his GIGS and he probably hasn’t got over it within 10 days, so I’m unsure of why he is texting me and more importantly asking to have a phone call?
Your insight would be greatly appreciated!
admin
February 10, 2015 at 3:55 pm
Well, it still is a good thing he is contacting you like that, right?
Rebecca
February 19, 2015 at 11:37 pm
Hi Chris,
If you won’t delete these comments, can you please at least change my name? Or edit the identifying information out e.g. New Zealand, Ireland, physios. I know its my own fault for posting this online, but I would really appreciate your help with this.
Many thanks,
Rebecca
admin
February 20, 2015 at 11:41 pm
As far as I can tell you shouldn’t be able to tell the identifying information like location on this site at all…
Rebecca
February 10, 2015 at 10:09 pm
I guess so..I still feel he text me because he felt obligated. What do you think? I probably already now the answer but should I stay in NC? I feel extremely rude, I know that he would never ignore me. I am trying to improve, I’ve joined the gym and am going on a date tomorrow but just wondering what way you think I should proceed from here?
admin
February 11, 2015 at 2:00 pm
Finish out your NC!
30 days.
Ella
January 24, 2015 at 4:13 pm
Hi, so my ex broke up with me 3 weeks ago while I’m overseas on an internship. We were together for 6.5 years and high school sweethearts. He told me that he didn’t think I would be the last girl he would love and couldn’t see us getting married, literally the grass is greener situation. In the begining I fought for our relationship and said all the things that youve probably heard a million times. He said he was unsure now and that each day passes he doubts his decision a little more. A week ago I started NC and my dog just died and he messaged me saying he’s here for me on this if I needed to talk. Sticking to NC I didn’t reply. When 30 days are up I’ll still be overseas. I will only return back home a few weeks after NC ends so my main question is how do I go about this? Does it change how I should approach the situation. Also before NC we decided that once I return home we would talk about where our relationship stands because he’s “confused/unsure”. Because I made him doubt his decision about breaking up with me before starting NC I’m a little unsure if I should be freezing him out completely…but I feel like if we continued talking it would be pointless aswell.
Key points: grass is greener, he was doubting his decision, started NC 1 week ago, I’m currently overseas. What to do?
admin
January 26, 2015 at 3:25 pm
Thanks for the key points… It really helps.
Keep with NC.
WAs the grass greener for him now or were you the greener side?
When will you be not overseas.
Ella
January 28, 2015 at 9:04 am
He hasn’t started going out with another girl yet. He’s not the type to go on rebound or randomly date. So I don’t know which side is greener. I will be back home from overseas in a few weeks but I’m unsure if I should contact him while I’m still overseas or wait till I get back.
Ella
January 28, 2015 at 1:54 pm
He just messaged me today saying “how are you?” Do you think that even if he doesn’t find another girl to date would he get over the GIGS? I have not replied following NC but would this qualify as 21days instead of 30? Or is my situation different due to me being overseas?
Stephanie
October 14, 2014 at 6:51 pm
Hi Chris,
Hoping you could help me out. As you may have guessed – my boyfriend recently broke up with me. We were together about 1 year 8 months. He’s 28, I’m 25. We had been slying talking about marriage and buying a house until quite recently – probably three weeks before the break up is the last time I can recall looking at houses together. However, we had gone to a wedding the weekend we broke up, and things had been a little tense for the last two weeks or so. From my side, I thought he was being rude because he was pulling away the last two weeks. In hindsight, it’s clearly because he was on the fence about breaking up or not. The breakup happened after we drove home from a wedding weekend. He just told me that he didn’t think he could do it anymore. That we were both too stubborn and had communication problems. That he saw the couples at the wedding and couldn’t see us getting married anymore. He didn’t want us to be another (divorce) statistic. I asked him to explain, but he couldn’t pinpoint anything specific. In short, a lot of bawling occurred on both sides while I packed up my things and I left. Returned one day later to get the last of my things. No screaming occurred, no name-calling, no begging or pleading. Just the crying from both of us and the inevitable acceptance at the time.
Usually I can handle break-ups fairly well; usually I am the one who initiates. I am also a serial-monogamist. All my relationships last longer than a year, but this was the first that I wanted to turn into marriage. And I KNOW we were once on the same page, as we had discussed it fairly openly. However, that managed to change and lead to the break-up.
Currently in the middle of no-contact. Caved once about five days in and called to chat – we texted politely for a couple minutes before I let the conversation taper off. I know I need to proceed with NC, but was hoping for an outsider’s opinion. Does it even sound like it is possible to get back together? He never said he didn’t love me anymore, and he did say he wasn’t sure about the decision at the time, but he was pretty level-headed and resolved. He really did sound like it was final. Like we would only head for divorce. Is it possible to change his stubborn, level-headed mind? Could it be possible it’s GIGS? He seems pretty adamant about moving on (also rebounding; he was on Tinder literally within a few hours of the breakup).
Thoughts?
admin
October 27, 2014 at 2:27 pm
Definiltely could be GIGS.
Also, please, don’t cave in during the NC.
Stephanie
October 14, 2014 at 6:54 pm
*Slyly…. that kind of looked like lying and that doesn’t work so well in context!
laura
October 14, 2014 at 4:07 am
I feel bad after reading this, my confidence has taken a big hit anyway after my ex is dating the girl (who he works with) for 6 months since march and she was creeping in for a while before we broke up and it caused problems and anxiety and he actually had the cheek to say i was jealous of her because i knew what she was doing infact we both agreed that we knew what she was doing. I haven’t heard from him and don’t have full closure. Cut the point here is she greener than me? 😀 I wasn’t the worst of girlfriends, not perfect at all 🙁 but not the worst like your examples above. And why would he go with someone who tried and achieved to get with someone who had a girl at the time. She made the relationship worse hands down and i let her get to me. I guess i want him to regret his move. please help 😀 thanks 🙂
admin
October 14, 2014 at 4:05 pm
How did you two break up?
Did he just leave you because of this girl?
laura
October 14, 2014 at 5:13 pm
No not entirely….but we were on and off because he kept letting me down i got more anxious and vented the more he upset me he was blaming on me for having a problem with confronting him, he never stood up for me against his mum (his mum use to send texts to him about the girl hes with because both their mums are friends and she just broke with with her boyfriend in october of 3 years and his mum was telling him to console her, she was set on trying to get him with her and she succeeded she didnt like me she was hostile and manipulative and i thought endlessely why what is wrong about me that shes like this i even questioned my race (i am mixed raced they are white, but hes with a black girl so guess it was my shitty personality iam guessing lol)….everything was ok again i honestly did not expect him too dump me he i didnt see it coming in a sense. but i read his texts (he let me fyi) and he wasnt entertaining her from what i know…she was making it clear she liked him. we had a good weekend went out meal and everything that happy couples do together. he says good night i love you in text on a sunday. I didnt hear from him at ALL till thursday when he broke up with me. I asked where is this coming from. And he said you know why :S ?? so technically no explanation. I couldnt do with the argument i let him go and he really meant it this time so. BUT i new it was BULL. The same day I found her twitter page i knew something was up with her and she made it clear she was in a relationship. and i will always remember she wrote ‘ee network is down can’t contact you boo’. (he changed his network to ee a month before breaking up with me) I did ask him why he changed his phone network to give him the opportunity to tell me about her but he looked at me and said why? I didnt entertain it i already knew anyway. I feel played like a donkey. I am telling you this because I am so confused this is all the details and information i know about it.
JewelD
October 7, 2014 at 3:26 am
I also guessed you 😉
But here’re 2 questions for you –
what initially attracted you to your #2 ex?
And what about her (not the relationship per se) made her worth sticking with for a year, despite her disrespecting you all that time?
admin
October 7, 2014 at 1:25 pm
What made it worth sticking through?
Hmm… that is a good question.
I suppose the fact that at the beginning things were pretty good and I had invested a lot of time into it and felt it would be a waste if I ended things prematurely and didn’t see them through. But even I have my limits.
b.
October 1, 2014 at 3:22 am
I am gonna guess that the person you are referring to was you
admin
October 1, 2014 at 3:56 pm
I am! Unfortunately, youy werent the first person to answer.
meriem
October 5, 2014 at 9:50 am
hi chris i want to ask you something i hope you’ll answer.i told you that my ex broke with me 3 months ago but i wasn’t able to do no contact because he was cantacting me a lot but i dicided to do it no for sure.my question is( my ex is i always can do better type of guy i’m sure because he didn’t stay with one woman mor that 4 or 5 months with me it was 6 months)so if i’m dealing with this guy how can i make go back to me how can i make him believe that i’m the one for him is there any hope at all for us to go back together !!!!!!!!
erica
September 30, 2014 at 5:09 pm
Hello. I was with my boyfriend for 3 years and we just broke up a 2 weeks ago. We for the most part had great memories and a great relationship, except I had a hard time opening up from time to time. We lived together for a year too. Not even 2 days after we broke up he’s dating someone else. He said that he wasn’t happy for the last 6 months of our relationship but couldn’t hurt me. BUT his actions didn’t change until the last month (which he was already interested in this other girl) He met this girl through a mutual friend. It has been known he has been talking to her via text back and forth for at least a month. I of course asked him and he denied it. I haven’t been in contact with him for a week now. I did some snooping because i was insecure, but he said that wasn’t the only reason. He said he needed time to be alone because he felt empty and dead inside because of his moms death which was 5 yrs ago. He said he felt guilty (she had ALS) so it wasn’t his fault. But some to find out by several of his best friends and others that was an excuse for a way out. His best friends are also on my side and keep bashing him telling him how stupid he is. I also don’t see how someone can dare use death as an excuse! I was wondering if this a rebound and will he be back? I love and miss him so much! Thank you!
admin
October 1, 2014 at 3:40 pm
Have you attempted any type of NC yet?
Erica
October 2, 2014 at 2:36 am
Nc at all
Marie Warble
September 20, 2014 at 3:01 am
One other thing – on the girlfriend scale, I’m a 10. I give way too much. I do everything I can to make his life a little more comfortable and to let him know he’s appreciated and loved. I failed the class in “hard-to-get!” Thanks for your help!!!
– MarieM
admin
September 29, 2014 at 4:25 pm
Ya… playing hard to get a little more probably would have served you well.
Marie Warble
September 30, 2014 at 4:23 am
I agree and I’m really not good at that at all. I enjoy doing things for him so it’s really hard for me not to, but I know that’s what has to happen. Thank you for the advice.
Marie Warble
September 19, 2014 at 2:24 am
Chris, I hope you can help. My boyfriend and I have been together for two years without ever fighting. When we started, I admit, I came onto him. I thought he was older, he thought I was younger but it ended up we’re 12-years apart in age! Initially it was just a F-W-B relationship, but when I realized he didn’t like to use protection, we both got tested and MY understanding was we were exclusive. He’s never been terrifically affectionate, but we see each other all the time and have a pretty good sex life. The age difference has never been an issue with us, but he’s been open that I’m not someone who was ever his type in the past, and teases me (affectionately) about having little boobs, etc. Last weekend we went out to dinner and a girl was hitting on him hard – younger and exactly the kind of girl he has always been attracted to. As we started to leave, he hesitated. I asked what he was doing and he said he was going to get her phone number. I was stunned. At first I thought he was kidding, but then I realized he really wanted to do it! I thought we were exclusive. We had a fight, and he said I was holding him back. I reminded him after he’d teased about some girl he thought was cute a couple of months prior, that I’d asked him if he wanted to back off and be friends but he said he didn’t, so there wasn’t anything stopping him. If he wanted other women, I wasn’t going to stand in his way, but I wasn’t part of it anymore either. We had more word and then didn’t speak on the way home. He dropped me off and left. I was devastated, but didn’t call him. During that time, I went through some of his things he had left at my house and found photos of him with a couple of different girls (same type as the one he wanted the number for). All of them were in very affectionate poses. He’s never acted that way with me, but I thought he was just uncomfortable with public affection and that it was his normal until I saw those photos. I even found a several e-mails he had printed that were to different women online saying he was looking for ‘the one’ and wanted a LTR with someone! They were all from maybe 4-months ago or before, and I thought we had seemed closer in the past couple of months. Time warp and about 3-days after the fight he called and said I was a good friend and he loved me, but not the way I wanted. I thanked him for making contact and we hung up. I didn’t contact him for another day or so, but then called and suggested we go to lunch, but not talk about what happened – just see how we felt about seeing each other. He was good with it and we really had a great time – nothing heavy, but he told me he was so glad to see me, that he’d missed me and really acted as if he was relieved and happy. Before we separated after lunch, we did touch on what we’d fought about and I told him I thought we were exclusive. He kind of hemmed and hawed and said, “oh.” I asked if he had unprotected sex with anyone while we were together and he acted uncomfortable, then finally admitted that he had. (After seeing the pics I can’t say I was totally shocked. I was glad he at least confessed, but it still really hurt to have it confirmed.) I told him I thought we had gotten tested so we could be unprotected and how was what he did o.k. He was uncomfortable and didn’t really say much, but then said he didn’t think that was the understanding. He blew my phone up with texts, etc. for the next couple of days, so we went to lunch again today and he was still sweet, but acted like the fight never happened. A server kind of flirted with me (short, fat, dumpy), so he smiled and said, “Go for it.” I said, “Gee, thanks but no thanks” and he laughed. I don’t know if he was teasing or if he really just doesn’t care. I just don’t know where to go from here. I really love this guy and he’s an amazing person – lets face it, we were together a long time without fighting. I’m doing all the right things about working on me – working out, losing weight, etc., (I lost about 20-pounds during this whole thing, just from stress!) but what do I do from here?
There’s another side of the story. He was raised by his Mom – dad cheated and was abusive to all of them, especially to him, and his folks split when he was young. Because of that, his Mom is totally against marriage and permanent relationships, and constantly tells him he ‘takes after his dad’ with having a lot of different women, but acts like she’s proud of it. I think she’s insecure (very sweet), and uses that to make sure he stays close to her. Either way, it just reinforces what he’s doing.
So, where do I go from here? We have a fabulous time together. From what I could read of his body language, etc. from the first time we saw each other he really missed me. After the second time we had lunch, I believe he thinks it’s going to be status quo moving forward – I really think he’s assuming when we have time alone together he’ll still be having sex with me but still looking for ‘the future fictional wife’ while I just sit back and let it happen. The typical wanting his cake and eating it too!
I love him and I would love to have him get beyond all the crap he grew up with and finally settle down…preferably with me. I think he’s more attached to me than he wants to admit to, but I think he’s conflicted. He’s scared by his own emotions and I think really confused. He’s been told all his life true-love isn’t out there and that running from woman to woman is his destiny. I don’t even know if he really knows what being in love is, but no matter what, he definitely has the GIG syndrome. We’re already seeing each other again, so I’m trying to play it cool, but I just don’t know what to do. I thought about just telling him I love him and that having sex with him reinforces those feelings in me. I don’t want to set myself up to be hurt anymore, so I love being friends but sex is off the table. Is that enough to maybe cure the GIG – especially if I continue to work on me? Do I need to just completely back off? I don’t want to do that because I’m afraid it just reinforces what he was brought up with – that everyone leaves you sometime and you can’t trust love.
I’m completely at a loss, so thank you for any advice you can offer.
– MarieM
admin
September 29, 2014 at 12:54 pm
To me it seems like you thought that you two were exclusive but he thought that you were still fwb.
Marie Warble
September 30, 2014 at 4:22 am
I definitely thought we were exclusive and I thought he did too. We’ve talked quite a bit and he’s not there with me. I don’t know that he ever will be. Now I need to practice that backing off thing and just let it go. Tough one, but I care too much to just be friends. Thanks for the advice.
anonymous
September 13, 2014 at 10:36 pm
That person is you =P
admin
September 15, 2014 at 2:16 pm
Yep!
Alberte
September 1, 2014 at 12:04 pm
Hi Chris,
First off, I would like to apologize in advance, if I make any mistakes in my comment, since I’m Danish and English aren’t really my native language 😉
Anyway, my ex and I had been together for 3,5 years, when he broke up with me. His reason was: we have been together for all the time we actually can be together, therefore he thought we should break up, see where things went and maybe we would end up together again. I think, he has GIGS or he just try to be with other women.. I know that he loved me, when he broke up with me. He told me so that it was very hard for him to do this, and he cried (which I only had seen him do once before) because of it. We agreed to be friends and spoke to each other more or less as before. It just stressed me out to a point, where I said to him that I would like if we didn’t speak to each other for a while (1,5 months after the break up). I just didn’t know about the rule that said the period had to be 30 days.. Sooo I felt that I had worked with myself and was ready to talk to him again after 10 days.
Problem is.. the day I told him that I wanted space, was the day he got a new girlfriend. 1,5 months AFTER?! ..I was so pissed, and I thought to my self “Am I really that easy to forget?” until a thought happened upon me. What if it is a rebound? I mean, they met 5 days after we broke up and now he’s suddenly together with her?
Please help me Chris.. I really need your help, I want him back solo much! Or at least regret breaking up with me, because I still want him in my life, if nothing else..
P.S. We are both 19 years old and have been together since we were 15, we had an amazing relationship we hardly ever fought, could talk about everything and were truthful about everything.
admin
September 2, 2014 at 1:16 pm
I feel the grass is greener syndrome is applicable here.
Alberte
September 2, 2014 at 1:37 pm
So is the new girl a rebound? Do I have a chance of getting him back?
admin
September 3, 2014 at 2:25 pm
She could be. It depends on a number of factors like how fast he started dating her and how long theyve been dating.
Alberte
September 3, 2014 at 3:44 pm
Well, they met 5 days after we broke up and became officially boyfriend and girlfriend 1,5 months after we broke up and now they have been together for a month.
Hot and Cold
August 21, 2014 at 1:43 pm
Hi Chris!
My ex and I were together for three years and have been broken up for a month and a half now. There was some fighting at the beginning. He wouldn’t and still hasn’t gave me a real reason for ending things, he told me he was being selfish and that he thinks I will still be there wanting him back. I gave him space for awhile. Two weeks ago he started acting really friendly toward me and seemed really interested in our conversations. After a week I brought up a nickname I had for him in our relationship and he told me that I was “borderlining affectionate” and that “his decision hasn’t changed any” so I left him alone and haven’t talked to him this past week. Several people have told me he has been posting statuses that they thought were directed at me, and he has messaged me twice this week. First text I ignored, and second was a video message that was under the guise of being to our year old daughter, saying he would be coming to visit in a month and talking about details of his job (that a one year old obviously won’t get). My response was a picture of our daughter. What is going on right now? What do you think?
Rina
July 14, 2014 at 11:11 pm
I’m guessing the aquaintence is YOU Chris… andd…
How do you know if your ex has the Grass is Greener Syndrome? O.o Also, if my ex blocked me all of a sudden could that mean he has GIGS and just doesn’t want me to see his new girlfriend(if he even has a new girlfriend because I wouldn’t know since he blocked me) …or maybe his new girlfriend made him block me (which he probably wouldn’t have blocked me if that were the case since he just blocked me today and I know he didn’t get too serious about this girl already since we just broke up 6 days ago)… maybe he doesn’t even have GIGS and he just blocked me because he’s mad about me cheating on him 3 months ago… orrr…. h wants to hurt my feelings because he IS emotionally abusive like that :/ care to put some insight into it?
P.S. I apologize for commenting twice in one day:/ I just didn’t really get all my thoughts out in that one post, so I made this post too 🙂
Thanks Chris!
admin
July 15, 2014 at 3:15 pm
You are right (unfortunately a lot of people guessed that already so I can’t give you the free ebook.)
You cheated on him how bad? Just a kiss or more?
Rina
July 15, 2014 at 7:34 pm
Like… I had sex with this guy Dan 4 times when I was with my ex :/ and I feel horrible for it… I stopped having sex with Dan once I realized I was developing feelings for my now ex Daron. Do you think I should use the 90 day No Contact instead of the 30 day so I can give him more time to heal?
admin
July 16, 2014 at 2:47 pm
30 days should probably be best but let me ask you something, does your ex know you slept with Dan 4 times?
Rina
July 16, 2014 at 7:50 pm
Of course he does ^.^ Honesty is the best policy I always say, so I was honest and uprfront about it… I told him right away. To be honest, I don’t think sleeping with Dan 4 times is really going to stop him from being with me since I told him 3 months ago when it happened and he still stayed with me up until July 8th >.> I dunno… I guess that shows his love when he still tried sticking with me after that, but I know what I did really caused all the fighting and the fighting on top of cheating on him 4 times really ended our relationship :/
Carol
July 13, 2014 at 6:39 pm
Hello Chris,
You caught my attention on an issue that I am facing. I started seeing a guy I met on line and we had a great thing going, but I am realizing I may have gave him the wrong impression.
I go dancing as a hobby…dancing lessons and then practise with a group of co-dancers and we meet up at different locations known to the social dancing club. I have male friends through this club but I don’t date anyone from there nor do I want to. We connect to make sure we know someone we are comfortable dancing with when we go. Nothing more.
So…he misunderstood the relationships and dumped me. How do I make this right? I want him back…it’s foolish to end it because of misunderstanding. We are not in communication at all.
I really don’t need a relationship with any other men. I was married for 21 years and I liked being with just one guy. I feel like I messed up not recognizing this before.
I believed that if I continued on doing what I was doing that he wouldn’t think I was needy and willing to drop all my friendships for him. How is a woman to handle this? I don’t care about the other guys, it is socializing and that is it.
admin
July 14, 2014 at 3:25 pm
Hi Carol,
I just answered your other post haha.
Yup, he is probably very worried about the other guys you hang around. Personally speaking I would be.