Today we’re going to be taking an in-depth look at what the dumpers experience looks like during a no contact rule. Now, I’ve written similar articles to this in the past but none that wholly focus on what’s going on in your exes head during no contact.

In my opinion, the best way to tackle this issue is to look at the following things

• Understanding that the question is more about what an avoidants experience looks like
• Figuring out how the relationship death wheel fits in
• Cross referencing the theory I’m putting forth with a real success story.

Enough talk, let’s jump right in.

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Understanding The Avoidant Dumpers Experience

If you simply play the numbers, the question of how a dumper feels during a no contact rule should really be reframed as “what is the experience of an avoidant during no contact rule.”

I’ve done two separate polls both a year apart asking the same question of my audience,

What attachment style do you believe your ex is?

The first poll was conducted in 2020,

Close to 70% of the vote came in as our clients believing that their exes are avoidant. I followed this research up by conducing another poll about a year later,

Same question, same result.

Now, I’ve done a ton of research on avoidants but perhaps none of that research is more relevant than this interview I did with one of our coaches literally talking about the stages an avoidant goes through during no contact,

In it, Coach Tyler and I argue that there are really five main stages that an avoidant will go through during a no contact rule,

1. Avoid
2. Feelings Bubble
3. Re-Suppression
4. Move On
5. Nostalgia

But the more I thought about these five stages happening during no contact the more I realized that there’s a flaw with our timeline. In most cases this would be typically quicker than we’ve actually seen occur in a period of no contact.

At best you may get up to stage three by the end of no contact.

In fact, I think the stages we put forth in the video are probably a better look at the experience of a dumper throughout a breakup itself.

One look at my relationship death wheel can bear that out

Remember with the death wheel there are eight stages,

1. I want someone to love me
2. I found someone my troubles are over
3. I’m noticing some worrying things
4. I’m thinking of leaving
5. I’ve decided to leave the relationship
6. I’m so happy that I left
7. I’m starting to feel kind of lonely
8. Why can’t I ever find the right person

Pretty much each of the stages Tyler and I talked about in our video a few years ago can be slotted in within this death wheel somewhere.

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1. Avoid (can happen in the actual outset of the breakup which is stage 5 in the death wheel)
2. Feelings bubbling (happens right around stage 7 of the wheel)
3. Re-suppression (Happens around stage 6 (yes it is possible for them to move backwards on the wheel))
4. Moving on (stage eight on the death wheel)
5. Nostalgia (stage one of the death wheel (after one full revolution))

So you see, the flaw with our hypothesis in the video we did was that at best no contact only really covers stages 5-7 of the death wheel.

• I’ve decided to leave the relationship
• I’m so happy I left
• I’m feeling kind of lonely

Thus, I would like to put forth a new hypothesis, new stages to expect a dumper to go through during no contact.

The New Stages A Dumper Can Go Through During No Contact

Here are the five stages that I believe a dumper is most likely going to go through during a no contact rule,

1. The Initial Relief Stage
2. Separation Elation Stage
3. The Grass Is Greener Stage
4. The Relapse Stage

Let’s take a minute and look through each of them.

The Initial Relief Stage

I’m pulling from personal experience on this one.

Admittedly this stage may fall under “separation elation” but I personally think its something different.

I remember the day after I broke up with my first girlfriend. I was overcome, not with sadness but relief. Our entire relationship was ripe with fighting and arguments.

It just was toxic for both me and her.

Did I want to break up?

No.

But now that we were broken up with I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

The Separation Elation Stage

One of my favorite breakup resources is a website called Free To Attach. Here’s what it has to say about separation elation,

After a relationship ends, people with an avoidant attachment style tend not to show much anxiety or distress, often feeling an initial sense of relief at the relinquishing of obligations and the sense that they are regaining their self-identity, and not tending to initially miss their partner – this is “separation elation” as the pressure to connect is gone.

Next we have the grass is greener stage,

The Grass Is Greener Stage

What are breakups if not the admission that you believe you can do better than the person you are with.

During the no contact rule the dumper is playing that out in real life.

Except here’s the interesting thing.

Most of the dumpers we encounter end up getting a nasty surprise. The grass isn’t as green on the other side as they thought. Dating isn’t as easy as they remember it.

Or

With the new person they are trying to date they end up just comparing that person to you.

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Sure, sometimes the grass is greener on the other side. However, we’ve actually found that this is the exception to the rule.

The Relapse Stage

I’m about 50/50 on this one.

Half the time an ex will experience it and half the time they won’t.

I actually talked about this in my article last week,

Because the pain is so intolerable, you may actually be able to convince your ex to try again (this may not be the first breakup with this partner). You will temporarily relieve the agony of withdrawal.‌

I think this is a perfect segue to a real life success story to illustrate this point.

A Tale Of Two Exes

If you haven’t watched my latest success story interview with Nina I highly recommend you do so.

Nina actually used our program to get two of her exes back.

1. One begged for her back after her use of the no contact rule
2. One did not

I thought her specific success story was a perfect illustration of how some exes can go through all four stages and some exes may not.

So, the very first ex.

He went through every single stage and in Nina’s own words,

I stuck to no contact and then after 30 days, he called me. I didn’t pick up. Because I still wanted to do more. I didn’t just want to call, it wasn’t gonna be that easy. Then he sent me a message saying, Hey, can you pick up the phone? Because I want to get together with you to talk because I want to get back with you. It was very straightforward.

Literally in 30 days she got her first ex back.

This means he went through each of the four stages.

Now, is this normal?

No, in fact, I think having an ex go through ALL four stages is abnormal. What’s most likely going to happen is what she experienced with her second ex.

• He didn’t contact her at all during no contact
• He LITERALLY MOVED AWAY
• It took her four months before they got back together

Well beyond the scope of a traditional no contact rule and that’s perhaps the hardest thing for people to hear.

If you go into a no contact rule expecting it to be the lone reason that’ll make an ex come back you are going to be sorely disappointed. Most of the time, by the end of a no contact rule your ex is still caught up in that grass is greener stage.

They are out there potentially thinking they can do better than you or slowly coming to the realization that they can’t.