I had the pleasure of interviewing Nina. A woman fresh of getting her ex back. What’s really interesting about her situation is that she ended up using our program to get not one but two of her exes back.
Believe it or not this isn’t uncommon.
Sometimes we’ll have someone come through our program and either succeed or fail, ultimately move on and then years later they’ll come back into our orbit after they’ve gone through another breakup.
But what really struck me about Nina was just how patient she was throughout the whole process.
In this interview you’re going to learn,
- Nina’s story with her first ex
- Nina’s story with her second ex
- Ultimately what she believes the optimum way to get an ex back is
- Being wary of this idea of immediately wanting to fix things
- How she got through the holidays
- Letting the universe dictate your texting reach outs
- Looking at if her ex had the grass is greener syndrome
- Pinpointing exactly how long it took to get her ex back
Let’s dive in!
Chris Seiter 00:02
Okay, today we have a another success story with a really interesting woman named Nina, who not only, I mean, you originally came on here to tell me about the 1x, you came back, but then I get on here, you’re telling me you actually use the program years ago to get another ex back. So we kind of got to to one special here. But thank you for doing this.
Yes, of course, happy to be here. So I’m not sure Should I just start from like, the first year, I’ll try to make,
Chris Seiter 00:32
it was literally about to ask you like, how should we tackle this? I think maybe just going back to the very beginning with the very first success story, and then kind of taking us through that first.
So my first ERP, we dated for like, a year and a half, and things were great. And then out of nowhere, he kind of had like a commitment issue. He freaked out a little bit on me. And what space?
Chris Seiter 00:56
Hmm, how long did you?
Yeah, or like a year and a half? Okay.
Chris Seiter 01:04
What space after a year and a half?
Yeah. And then like, like a year and six months. And then he got a little bit scared of a commitment. He needed time for himself and his hobbies. He’s just like those guys that have a million things going on at once. And he had space. And he kind of wanted a break. And I said, I don’t do breaks, you’re either in or you’re out. So I was pretty determined in that sense. I’m not going to stand in limbo. So he said, Well, I need space. And I said, Okay, we’re done. I was a little drastic. And he freaked out a little bit on me. But we still broke, we broke up. And I didn’t, but I still obviously loved him. I didn’t want to end things. But I wanted him to be sure. So that’s when I looked online ways to get your boyfriend back. And then that’s how I found ERP. But I didn’t join the group or anything. I just listened to the podcast. And I found out about NC, no contact and this whole process of working on yourself and giving it space, the situation the relationship him. So I follow through it. I did 30 days. But the thing is that he reached out to me, like consistently, he would text me he would call me well, he didn’t call me right away, he would just text. And I wanted to respond. But the program said not to. So I didn’t. And it was hard because he was pursuing me a lot. Like I want to talk I want to know how you’re feeling I miss you. I didn’t want to break up I wanted to break. But I stuck to no contact. And then after 30 days, he called me. And I didn’t pick up. Because I mean I still wanted to do more. I didn’t just want to call it wasn’t gonna be that easy. And then he sent me a message saying, Hey, can you pick up the phone? Because I want to get together with you to talk because I want to get back with you. It was very straightforward. So I was like, Okay, that was fine. I can I can Yeah. Right. And it was, I mean, he pursued me for like a month. And I was like, Well, okay, so I gave in, we talked it out. When we got back together, then COVID happened, and we realized we weren’t a good match. So we broke up and I didn’t pursue him anymore, but it worked the first time.
Chris Seiter 03:04
So basically, what you’re telling me is all you really did was a 30 day No Contact Rule. And that Yeah, didn’t come back. Yeah, that’s amazing. But
yeah, but the thing is that usually people don’t do no contact, like it’s it’s easy to fall back into the Oh, okay. Let’s talk about it again. And again. What like, what did we do wrong? How can we fix it like, it’s normal, everyone wants to talk it out and see if you can figure it out by talking more about it. But sometimes you don’t have to talk, you have to let the other person figure out what they want on their own. So I’m definitely a fixer. Like, if problems happen, I want to talk about it. And I want to fix it now. But no contact forced me to let him really make up his mind. And he did. So it worked. So then, two years later, I have my current ERP. And the relationship was very healthy. I’m from South America, and he’s also from a neighboring country in South America. So we have the Latin American culture in the sense that we speak Spanglish to each other and it’s great. And then we reached the year we had a very healthy relationship, no really big problems. And he freaked out another one with commitment issues, which I seem to pick without realizing
Chris Seiter 04:19
was there was there like Okay, so this is interesting to me. You have two guys, both of what you got back, both of which are starting to pull back around the same time, you know, like a year and a half of the first one a year. Yeah. Second one. Was there. Like, were you trying to push for a bigger commitment, like moving in together getting married? Things like that? Oh, actually,
not at all. I am old now. I don’t know if it’s relevant. I’m 31 back with my other europei I was 2827. But I never really pursued any type of bigger commitment. Obviously, I would like to get married at one at some point, but I was never pushing for that or living together. I’ve always been very independent. But I think, I don’t know, maybe they can sense that I’m more ready in a way. That’s what, that’s what my europei from now told me. That’s why he’s kind of
Chris Seiter 05:08
like it was just like a inherent feeling that like, Oh, she’s more ready two years. Okay. 2129 You said you’re 31? I’m 31
I mean, there’s still a big difference. I felt different at 29.
Chris Seiter 05:24
I mean, when I turned 30, my whole body broke down. So that’s how I knew I was.
One has to go to bed at 1030. And I’m already hungover the next day. It’s It’s terrible. Yeah.
Chris Seiter 05:36
But okay, so commitment issues from the current ex boyfriend. Does he immediately break up with you? How does that work? You said, You’re a fixer.
Weird, because last last year, which is our main year together, we traveled to Europe two times I went to visit his country two times, he came to visit mine. And we both live in New York. So it was it was big moves. And we were always great visiting each other and like, it was never a problem. And then last year around like Halloween, he told me he wanted to go to go back home to his country for the summer as in like our winter because he’s remote and I’m not. And he’s like, I want to go back and work there. And I said, Well, I can’t because I’m not remote anymore. And he said, Okay, well, I’m gonna go. And I was like, What? What do you mean, you used to have you bought a ticket, or you just bought a ticket so clearly had
Chris Seiter 06:28
been on his mind without not assaulting you at all just kind of sprung it? Yep.
He’s like, I’m gonna go to Argentina. Oops, the country, whatever.
Chris Seiter 06:36
You do Latin American country. Well, yeah, we’ll have to tag this. Yeah. I told you, I told you need to happen. Well, so
he got a ticket. I was in shock. And I was angry. I because he did this out of nowhere. I was like, You should discuss this for a couple. And then he’s like, Yeah, about that. I feel like you’re in a different stage in your life you want, I feel that you are ready. And if things go well, in a few years, you would expect the ring or marriage. And I’m not ready for that. I always imagined myself settling down at 38, which would mean I’m 40. And yeah, I was like, what, and I never discussed this. And he’s like, and I’m just scared because I feel like you’re ready. And I just I’m not I’m not ready to plan my life of someone. I just want to do what I want to do. I was like, Okay, why didn’t you ever tell me this before? He’s like, I don’t know. I never really realized until now, because I don’t know. It just all. It was little things that just kept packing up until he just exploded and he bought a ticket home. And he’s like, I’m leaving in two weeks. And I was like, wow. And he’s like, I have doubts. And I said, Okay, well, I mean, I was shocked. I really thought this was it for me. Because we had a very healthy relationship. And I went, I remember reading back in ERP, I was like, you don’t nag you accept that? And I said, Okay, you want to go you have doubts. You can go, obviously, it was really hard. We cried. We both sad because he was still like, I love you. But I have so many doubts. And I feel like I can’t be with someone when I have doubts. It was hard. And so we were still together for those two weeks. It was weird and miserable, because I would have like crying attacks randomly during the day. And then the data he left we say goodbye. And that was it. And I stuck to no contact. But days again to reach out. Which he didn’t at all. Ah,
Chris Seiter 08:23
so you did it. Was it a 30 day no contact that you did?
30 days? Yes.
Chris Seiter 08:29
30 days. Okay, but this time, like the very first X, he did not reach out at all
at all zero. So I was like, wow, does this mean something so I was comparing I couldn’t help it. Because I had done this before. But the other guy was texting me and texting calling. And this one was zero, like nothing. So it freaked me out a little bit. But I was like, It’s okay. I don’t I don’t know what he’s doing. It’s fine. It’s better with no contact is figuring himself out. He told me he was gonna get therapy. I was like, Okay, maybe you will maybe it’s all talk, but I had a little bit of hope. So yeah, the first 30 Days came by, and well, this aro is going to be a little bit related to it’s gonna give me a way. But whatever, it’s fine. So, um, the thing is that for the for the 30 days that ended it was the World Cup. And his and I had like a bet.
Chris Seiter 09:25
One of the team was in, in that world cup. Not saying any zoom. Yeah, as a fan feeling. What are the two teams?
Yeah, one of the two teams, I was like, if his team wins, I’m going to text them because it matches the time. Yeah. And I’ll just say like, congratulations, because he’s a big soccer player. He’s like diehard fans. So yeah, it’s gonna be important for him. So his team won. I’m not saying who it is, but you know,
Chris Seiter 09:52
yeah. Or what stage of The World Cup it could have been early stage or late stage. We don’t know. You know,
we don’t know. So whatever the point is that they want his team, and I reached out, and he was like, wow, I he said, I was hoping that you would text me today. It’s one of the happiest days of my life. And now all I could do was think of you I was expecting that positivity. I was shocked. We hadn’t spoken in 30 days, I was like screaming in my room. I was like, wow, I would never have expected that. And I just responded like, I hope you have a great day celebrating with your country. So that’s it done. But yeah, that was my first row. I didn’t want to do another one. So soon, because I knew that he would be gone in this country for like four months. And I didn’t want to pressure. I was like, I know he’s very set on his ideas I didn’t want to be chasing around them. 30 days seemed like too little to start, like building rapport and start talking to each other. So then the holidays came, and it was hard because I was I knew he wouldn’t reach out, but I had a little bit of hope. Or you didn’t. I was miserable Christmas to reach out. New Year’s he didn’t either. It was so sad. I remember texting the Facebook group. And I was like, I’m so miserable like I’m but it helps you know that the Facebook group helps so much. I think that’s what got me through it. Besides your podcasts, which I would listen to, at first, the first few weeks, like non stop in my work, because I needed someone to talk me through it. Yeah.
Chris Seiter 11:22
So they know who you are a full circle, listen
to music. Yeah, you can’t listen to music. I can’t listen to anything else. So I just needed someone to talk to me about like, getting over this or what he’s thinking. So the products was the first step and then the face. And then in January, I went home for a little bit for like two weeks. And I thought okay, now I’m going to do my second Auro. And since we had visited this place in my country with him, I decided to send them some photos.
Chris Seiter 11:50
That’s a good move. I like that one. Yeah,
I know, I know, the first reached outs are supposed to be about like advice or something like that. But I didn’t want to go there because I thought it felt a little
Chris Seiter 12:01
personalized in your situation. So the first one is like the diehard fandom, which like, okay, so I’ll try not to put the teaching hat on here too much. But basically, like, one of the tenants of like the first reach outs is always engaging them in an interest that they have. And you kind of did right? You did that right moment when he was at a high point. And then the second reach out seems to be more of an emotional nature type text. Yep, I’m assuming like, the pictures were places you and him went together and had good memories. Yeah. Or,
like, for us, it was like blueberries because he loves blueberries. And we want them to like the last time so I sent them a photo of the blueberries. And I was like, Look what I found on news like wow, like, it’s unbelievable. He always responded very fast, which I liked. And it was very engaging, asking me questions, like, I tried to keep it short. Like, look how beautiful and you’d be like, how are you how’s your family how’s work. And I would just, you know, put a stop to it. And it was hard because I didn’t want to talk. But I remember about having to do an accent. So after a few exchanges, I’d be like, Well, I’m gonna go to the lake. I have no signal by and then I just put my phone in airplane mode.
Chris Seiter 13:11
Oh, that’s amazing. You know, the one thing that’s already striking me is really interesting about your situation is you are really patient. And that is a rare, rare thing in in this kind of an industry because most people are really anxious, driven. But you actually had the patience to wait until the right moment to text him. And then when you did get him and things were going well, you did the one thing that’s probably the hardest thing is as the end the conversation when it was kind of at that point, and it seems like you did
it is it’s hard. The thing is that for me, I know a lot of people were stressing out about NC and do we say that in a Facebook group? But I don’t, I don’t. So I didn’t suffer through that. For me. The anxiety points were texting him. I hated it. I hated texting because I didn’t know if he would respond. I hated being at his mercy. Like, what if he does
Chris Seiter 14:05
not? Control? Exactly.
So for me, no contact was easy. I’m like, Oh, I’m ignoring him. I mean, I’m in power. And then the second that I had to reach out every time I felt that was losing control. So I hated the anxiety that I felt I wanted to cry every time I would text him.
Chris Seiter 14:21
You know what’s really, you know, what’s really interesting about that, what you just said is that in my experience, it’s an either or type situation. You either get a client that struggles mightily with no contact but kills it at texting, or you get the client that kills it at the No Contact Rule but really struggles with texting. I’ve never seen someone that that thrives at both. It’s it’s like an either or type thing. Oh, thanks. So you’re the No Contact queen. Not so much. The texting thing was hard.
I mean, let me tell you i was really putting in the work though. I was like, Oh, I have therapy. I also was doing meditation. And I was like, do breathing exercises before I texted him, I’m like, You’re gonna be okay. Even if he doesn’t respond, like, whatever, like I would play scenarios in my head, I’d be like, okay, even if it takes three hours, what are we gonna do? We’re gonna freak out? No. So I was really like putting in the work, to not get overwhelmed like, and it wasn’t easy. It wasn’t just
Chris Seiter 15:17
hard to do, though, like, like you say, as if it’s a flip thing. But when you’re in that anxious stage, and it’s like, your your mind is sometimes your own worst enemy, because you start like, oh, he doesn’t text right away. Is he with a girl as he would this is this is not happening. And it freaks you out. So it’s really, I mean, kudos to you for keeping calm during the during those that time.
And I was, I was still having a bad time, that adrenaline rush and feeling sick, you would take an hour to respond. I’m like, wow, I’m really not a priority. We we have 30 days, and it’s still not respond like, wow, it hurt. And I was miserable. After every reach out. Even when it was positive, it would still open up like the breakup. So it’s still hurt. It wasn’t easy. Yeah. But um, but yeah, I did like the second reach out while I was home. And I know that I have to start closing the gap. But I still didn’t feel that it was natural. So I was kind of playing it by ear. I was like, whenever I have good content to ask him, or to make our reach out, I’ll do it. I’m not gonna force it. And then another week went
Chris Seiter 16:16
by I was smart. Yeah, I love that. Yeah. Do you want to keep going?
Like, yeah, no, it’s all good. So then another week went by and I was so home. And then I had another content that I could I send them another photo I made I we used to make pies last time that we went into like DME into summer. So I made a pie and I send them a photo. I was like, Oh, look, look at this. And he was like, wow, like, that looks amazing. And then that was like my third reach out. And then after we did a couple exchange, he would always say like, it’s really good to hear from you. And I was like, great, like, why don’t you? I mean, I didn’t ask that. But
Chris Seiter 16:50
I was like, why aren’t you reaching out to me? Dope cup, like, Yeah, I
mean, I did ask him later on. So I do have an answer for that. That’s good. But um, but then that was my third reach out in early January. And then I was like, Okay, I’m not gonna reach out again. I just feel dumb. Like, he can reach out but, but I needed I needed a break from the anxiety of texting him. And also I was back in New York, and I had no nothing to talk to him about. I felt like I was good. So I waited and I did another no contact with like, 45 days. Super easy again. I was like, Oh, I was chillin. I was so used to not texting him. I was like, This is great. I was sad. But I mean, time was passed out enough that I wasn’t like, completely miserable. I would get a little bit sad sometimes, but it wasn’t terrible. And then after 45 days, mid February, let me think i
Chris Seiter 17:40
Were you part of the Facebook Lives that I did. I feel like
yeah, I was sometimes. Okay, good.
Chris Seiter 17:47
I’m like, I know, you’re like, I was just like, trying to think like, your situation. sounds so familiar. Like the second period of no contact is what triggered it for me. Sorry.
Oh, no, no worries. I mean, I was every I have no, like main plan, because I only knew that he would be back in the city and like mid March, and I said, Okay, I got up, time it properly. So it’s not too soon. Not too late. That’s I needed to give it space. So I was but I was playing all the reach outs right here. And then mid February, I thought like he had been 45 days now with no contact at all. We still had each other on social media. We hadn’t deleted any of each other’s photos, which I would check that was like my one thing I would check every day because he deleted photos. That meant something. Right? So I was like, as long as he still follows me, we neither of us did anything he wouldn’t, he would occasionally view my stories, which I would freak out about. And then sometimes I would, I would reward him with my own view. You know, I was like, if you viewed me maybe, like,
Chris Seiter 18:48
it’s like the dog treat, you know, like, you can have a treat,
but I would never live first. Never first. So then mid February, I thought it was like time to reach out again. And I needed it. I roll but I was like I need to come up with something that feels natural. And then my mom messages me and she goes, Hey, I’m going to this city, which is his city for the weekend with your dad and we wanted some new restaurants any that you recommend? And I was like wow, perfect disguise. Oh,
Chris Seiter 19:16
thank you. Provides Exactly, yes.
Right. I was like waiting on something. I was like, this is perfect. So there we go. So I reached out. I was like, Hey, can I use your advice in your area of expertise? Yep. But first he goes, whoa, and I’m like, Well, what is like it’s great to hear from you. Like Wow, thanks. I was like, you know, you can reach out to me he says I could but I shouldn’t Wow, okay, that ruined my day. I was like you shouldn’t
Chris Seiter 19:43
I must oppose the Facebook group that seems so familiar.
Oh, yeah, I did. I did. Actually I posted screenshots because I was hyper focusing on that and like he hates me because he shouldn’t
Chris Seiter 19:55
feel like I saw that. And I was like, I feel like he may even commented that That seems so familiar to me.
Yeah, yeah, I definitely commented about that, because that was like the thing that stuck to my head for weeks. But I asked him advice for my parents. And he was, he loved it. He was giving me all these tips of restaurants and he’s a foodie too. And then he would throw in some information, like, I wouldn’t know which bars because I’m not going out. I’m like, Okay, I didn’t ask for bars, but got it. So he was giving me all these little like, insights that he was, you know,
Chris Seiter 20:26
seeing the bar comment is also like, hey, I want you to know, I’m not going on a date with anyone else. Yeah,
I was like, Okay, I didn’t ask. But yes. So, um, so that, so that was good. And I said, Okay, well, thanks for the tips. Bye. That was it. Um, then. And then I was like, Okay, I could reach out and oh, and then three days later, he did his first reach out ever means you went to a museum, which was the first I was like jumping out of joy, because he, he knows that I love poetry. And he went to a museum and there was a poetry installation. So he took photos and sent them to me. And he was like, I know I shoot. I said, I wouldn’t text but I saw this, I thought of you. And he sent me photos. And then later, I found out that he was on a date. And he sent us photos to me.
Chris Seiter 21:13
Oh, so he did. He did go out with other Shame on him.
He’s like, nothing happened. It was a day day. I was miserable thinking of you sending you pics? Like, are you kidding me? Like, of course, I didn’t go anywhere with Elsa. That girl. It was like, I was like,
Chris Seiter 21:27
like, just between you and I and Nina, that poor girl. She’s on a date with this guy. And he’s taking pictures and sending them to his ex you know?
Chris Seiter 21:36
I mean, it’s good for you. But I feel I feel for the other girl too. Yeah, I
was like, I was shocked. He’s very honest. And I was laughing about that. I was like, wow, I would have never suspected that. But, but yeah, that was his first reach out. And I laughed about it. I was like, Oh, thank you for thinking of me. I love this photos, whatever. That was his first record ever. And then I wanted to keep the conversation kind of open because it was in one week. We have spoken two times. So it’s like, okay, I need something else. And then the Lord provides again, because my mom that went to his city went to the same museum as him and took photos of an installation to me, and I was like, guess what? So so then we had another conversation. I was like, Look, my mom went to the city museum. Isn’t that funny? And that was it. And then after that, I was like, I’m done with reach outs, I’m not gonna reach out again, because it’s mid February. I know he’ll be back in mid March. I’m done. If he wants to talk to me, he will. But I’m like, I’ve initiated over four or five contacts. If he doesn’t want anything else. It is what it is. And I waited on Skinput. And then in mid March, he came back. And he reached out to me, but his first message was a little weird, because he knows back to the poetry thing he knows that I love and I to read and write. And it was like National Poetry Day and I posted some like poems and like my Instagram, and he reached out like, hey, like, I admire your writing so much. It’s taught me so, so much. I don’t know. I appreciate that about you. But the way that you wrote it sounded like he was saying thank you for the teachings goodbye, like. And I was. I was like, wow, yeah, he was like, thank you. For all you’ve taught me. I was like, Excuse me, like, that’s it. So because he was back in New York already. So I missed I responded. And I said, um, that’s it. I lost. That’s the only time that I ever lost like, like, What do you mean? That’s it? I’m like, that’s all you have to say. You’re back in New York. And that’s the only thing you say to me.
Chris Seiter 23:36
I feel like he did that on purpose. That’s just me. He said, What do you
mean? He’s like, um, he’s like, No, that’s not all I have to say. But I was just like, seeing that I appreciate this about you, blah, blah. He’s like sending me paragraphs. And I was like, I’m done. Because I thought he was like, just saying, bye. So I stopped responding. And then he’s like, No way. I want to see you. You didn’t take it the right way. I want I meant to some other way. And I was like, Oh, wait, what? And he’s like, are you bad? Like, I want to, I want to see you when can we meet? And I and I was angry. So I was like, sometime next week. And then he’s like, next week? We can we see each other this this weekend? I was like, wait, wait, wait, hold up. I was like, we maybe I’m, maybe I read it wrong. So then I said, Okay, maybe this weekend, and then a day later, he was like, let’s meet on Sunday. And we met on Sunday. And
Chris Seiter 24:24
I wasn’t nervous. Well, obviously.
Yeah, it went really well. I still wasn’t sure because he had never reached out. It was all me and I thought I mean, I had hoped but as a side of me thought maybe he would say hey, like I need more time or I love you but I’m not ready. You know, like I will always have love for you. But this isn’t it. So I was a nervous wreck. I was meditating and breathing like crazy that day. And we met at the park and they’ll second that we saw each other I literally lost all emotion. Like I think I don’t know I just my my I went like turned off emotion. And I just stopped being nervous, which is great. But it was freaky. And we were just walking. And he kept staring at me looking at the giving me these romantic looks. I was just like, what? And he’s like, No, I’m just taking in the moment. I was like, what? And then nothing. He told me that he this time apart, he had realized what he had the he knew he had like commitment issues, but he really cared about me had never felt like this about this way about anyone in his entire life. And even though he’s still scared, and he doesn’t feel like 100% Ready, he wants to be and he’s ready to work on these things together if I’m willing. And I was just sitting there kind of like numb to it. Like, what’s what is happening? Like my head couldn’t process because I had imagined this moment in my head for so many months. But I was like, Wait, this is really this is real. I know is like Yeah, sure. I mean, if you want, like we’re gonna try it was playing it’s so chill. When it was like months of planning. So yeah, you and this was like two weeks ago. And I told him, like, it’s gonna be hard, you know, because I lost trust in you. Because you literally got up and left me. You created a problem that wasn’t there before, as in me trusting you. But it’s going to be a lot of work, you’re gonna have to be persistent in with me giving me reassurance. And we’ll see how it goes. And he’s like, No, I want to live my life. Like, let’s build it together. Like if you want to move a move, I think we should move in together. At the end of next year. I’m like, Whoa, this is day one, like, relax. But things are going great. So yeah, I never really expected it to be that Well, I mean, we’re, what two weeks and we don’t know how it’s gonna go. Right. But But I have a good feeling about it. I think things are going to be okay.
Chris Seiter 26:49
Yeah, I mean, the thing that really sticks out to me so far about your situation, moreso. The second one is just how patient you were. And also, I love this concept in I’m not ever sure I’ve ever recommended that. But it’s actually such a such a poignant one, which is like just not texting until you actually have good content to provide, you know, like, like, every one of your text messages was pointed, had a point. And it was pretty successful. And I think it only worked because you had something interesting to share each time as opposed to what I think happens a lot in the community is people make up stuff, you know, they do. But yours were really always authentic. But also the thing that really sticks out to me is how patient you were, you know, you weren’t afraid to like, oh, I’ll just wait another 45 minutes. You were also I feel like you really were the definition of that concept where you’re like, you know, if I don’t get it back, whatever. Because you literally I think by the end of that 45 days, or maybe even at the beginning of that 45 days, that second no contact that you did. I think you were kind of already there. You know, you were just sort of like well, I’m not going to push things, which I think is a huge problem in the community. I see people always wanting to give into those fix it mentalities. But you I mean, I’m impressed. I don’t say that.
Oh, my gosh. But I mean, I wasn’t always like this, I was more anxious. Like with my other ERP X, the first one. I was very warm, emotional, I guess I would snap quicker. I had less patience. So I think also that drove him a little bit to want that breakup, originally because I was very dependent on him.
Chris Seiter 28:28
And very dependent. You said, Yeah,
dependent on him. It was like living here from a new country. And he was he was American, he was from here. So I think being patient and not overreacting or or like acting on a whim is very important, you know. So instead of freaking out right away or wanting to text or wanting to respond when I feel you mean something, I’m I try to pause and think okay, because every time that I’ve acted fast on I’ve reacted in the moment, usually I regret it. So that’s why I’ve tried to take my time with things now. And that usually ends with a better result. So
Chris Seiter 29:05
yeah, the only thing that can really teach you, sorry, the only thing that can really teach you something like that is if you actually live through it. I feel like so the fact that you had successfully gone through the progress you had successfully kind of manage those emotions one time already, but the second time it happened, you at least had some sort of a framework to fall back on and help you through that. And I feel like that helped getting you to that safe space emotionally. Which is so hard to achieve. Do you feel like the oh so before that us You said you got some dirt from him? Like why he likes you and everything what can you give anyone listening like like yeah
we’re very open with our in the sense that we talk about like he told me he went on a couple of dates. It was miserable. I mean, I went on dates to when I told him that not that many not not a lot of detail. But you know, the general idea. And I did tell him I was like, I’m so pissed that you never texted me in these four months, and I’m there sending you photos reaching out for the World Cup, like, come on, like, why didn’t you reach out? And he said, Well, I was really he’s like, I took all of me not to text you every day. I thought of you in the morning at night. It was awful. But I wanted to give you the space to heal because I was the one with doubts, and I’m the one that left. So it would be unfair for me to keep texting you and stringing you along. When I left you, I felt it was unfair. I didn’t deserve to text you. Because I left you. So even though I wanted to know how you were doing, and I wanted to tell you, I miss you. I love you. It just wasn’t the right thing to do. And I was trying to be a good man to you and let you maybe like, possibly move on. But I didn’t want you to. But you know, I wanted what was best for you. And I was like, Okay, well, you could have texted me for New Years. He’s like, No, I mean, I was I wanted to but
Chris Seiter 30:56
so did you ever, like quizzing him on? The reason he had those doubts in the first place? Like the commitment doubts that caused the breakup originally? Yeah. Well, he
said, like, he didn’t really believe in marriage, much. His parents had went through a bad break, divorced when he was a kid. And he just, I don’t know, he just felt very young. You know, he was like, I thought maybe I would get married. But it would be very late in life, I was still very focused on having fun with my friends and going out. But then I realized this time apart that like, I was, like, not wanting to do the same things. You know, I didn’t want to just go out to a bar or be with my guy friends, I want to my partner, I want you. I want to go home and be with you and hang out and like have conversations and like, I don’t know, like do more wholesome things. And I guess that comes with like, maturity and not having you around that made me realize that. So like, Okay, well, the time helped. And he even said himself, he’s like, I’m not I don’t regret the time away. I needed that. Because I did have doubts when I left. I did really not feel ready. And then in our time separated, I realized what I had. So I needed that time away from you. And I actually thought that you had done when we got together at the park since like, we spoke three or four times because I felt like very, I don’t know, I felt very naggy with my reach out. I still felt very bad about it. I was like I have such a losing power, even though I reach out once every 45 days. But he thought I moved on. He was like I was terrified. When I invited you to the park, I was sure that you were going to tell me like you were dating someone new and you were happy and like, by like, our thing was in the past because even though we texted and you gave me like photos, and you were nice, it felt very like just friendly. You were never giving me emotional like responses like I miss you or like nothing romantic. You would just say hey, here’s a picture of a pie made like a cute Okay, bye. Have a nice day. So yeah. In that, in that sense, I guess it’s important to not give too much emotion because he really thought I was being friendly. When clearly I wasn’t, you know. So? No,
Chris Seiter 33:02
what’s interesting is I think of your situation almost sort of like he got the grass is greener syndrome, but not necessarily with another person with a with a life type thing like, right, like with the freedom aspect. And then I think the beauty of it is, once he got over there, he realized, you know, the grass isn’t so green so much anymore, like, and I think that’s so that’s so common, where people kind of build up this fantasy in their mind about how like, oh, well, you know, if I didn’t have Nina, I could go out with my friends more and have more fun. But then like sometimes when you actually engage in that you realize this isn’t as fun as I thought anymore. Life doesn’t have a purpose. And then that’s when the missing starts to kind of kind of happen. And I feel like weirdly enough that helped you? Which is, which is I guess interesting. Just hearing his
Yeah. 100% Because at first we had never spoken much about I mean, we knew we wanted sort of like a future together. But we hadn’t spoken that directly about okay, next year, we’ll move in together in two years. If things go well, we’ll get married. It wasn’t like that exact. And now, I mean, I never even brought it up. He brings it up now. So now I feel I’m the one that’s like, Okay, wait, relax, okay, because I gotta learn to trust you again. But he brings it up all the time. Like next year, when we move, we have to get this type of apartment, or I would like a view. I’m like, Whoa, it’s it’s two weeks in and he’s already like making plans, which is great, you know, like talking about the future and everything. But he had never done that before. So it’s great that he came to this conclusion on his own, without me having to force him to stay. I just let him figure it out on his own. And I think that’s the best way to have someone because, you know, you didn’t have to convince them.
Chris Seiter 34:48
Yeah, it’s authentic. You know, they know that you they want to be there. They’re not being forced to be there. But I think the challenge with that is you you have to give up power. And that’s the hardest part you have to be able they’ll kind of give your heart to someone else and kind of be like, Okay, I trust you with it. Don’t Don’t screw it up. And when that person has screwed up in the past and has broken your heart, it’s really hard to do that again.
Oh, yeah, I’m struggling now I’m not gonna lie. It’s a struggle. Like he says, all these things now. And I’m like, This sounds great. But really, like, it’s that easy. Like, you just come back. And now we’re just gonna live happily ever after there’s gonna be a catch somewhere.
Chris Seiter 35:26
Yeah, it might be a little bit of the honeymoon period kind of sparking, we find that when couples get back together, the real big risk is that we’re trying to avoid any kind of on again, off again, situation. So it’s really important to take everything at the beginning with a little bit of a grain of salt. And I think the advice I’m constantly giving to people who get back together, is that whole adage of, hey, when you see that they’re pulling back a bit, you pull back as well. Let them let them lead. And so far he is leading things seem to go going incredibly well. But where I feel like most people get in trouble is they fall back into sensing, oh, my partner’s pulling back, I need to fix this. As opposed to giving the partner because a lot of what you described is very dismissive, avoidant behavior, not to kind of break someone down to to an attachment. So I mean, people are far more complicated than just their attachment styles. But he literally moved away. He didn’t reach out to you at all, during the No Contact Rule. It took them a long, long time before he was willing to reach out we know, you know, only when the ex thinks that you have moved on, do they start to get that nostalgia? All of those things have happened for you. So I’m pretty confident saying he’s got dismissive avoidant tendencies, we often see that and exes who have childhoods where they witnessed or parents go through divorce, they have kind of this traumatic experience with commitment and things like that. But overall, I think he played your hand brilliantly across two axes, really, the the first x, I’m not even sure we can count because it happens so easily. For you, Nina, that’s like, it’s like, you don’t usually get that simple of a thing. The second x is more indicative of what I’ve seen consistently across the platform with success stories, and so on and so forth. Out of curiosity, how long did it take from the start from start to finish before when the breakup occurred to when you got him back?
Well, it was a total of like, four months, told me Well, the second he told me, like, I’m having doubts. I was like, this is done. You know, when he when we were having this conversation, like, wow, this relationships over no matter what we talked about. So that was like, early November, and then he left in two weeks. So like, November 15. And then he was back around mid March. So 15. Yeah, to like March 15. Exactly. Yeah. Like, wow, much.
Chris Seiter 37:52
Yeah, it’s actually a little quicker than our average or average is like, right, around five to anywhere between five to seven months is sort of the sweet spot, the Goldilocks zone,
if you will, yeah, I saw that. And I was like, Oh, God, I don’t know if I can wait that long. Also, because I get over people like, I’m not seeing you. I’m not talking to you. I just don’t see you. I kind of forget, like it was already getting difficult. At the end of March before he arrived. I was like, I’m starting to fade with the memories. And I was also going out see meeting new people and having fun. And even though I missed him, it wasn’t that like, desire to get him back like crazy. He was more of like an acceptance, like, I would love to have you back in my life. But if not too bad, um, that’s literally when they come back, which you would always say I’m gonna happen. I was like that.
Chris Seiter 38:34
But the the key component that everyone always misses, and I know anyone listening to this probably has heard, like anyone listening to this is going to be like unida where they’ve read it, or listen to everything. But it’s not the kind of thing you could fake. It has to be authentic. Right? Because, literally, I
would hear you say it all the time. And I was like, When am I gonna get there? Because I don’t know if I can. And then I got there. I’m gonna happen. I was like, wow, it’s like clockwork, it’s crazy.
Chris Seiter 39:00
What would you say helped you get to that place?
Um, well, I was, Well, besides like, your podcast, and meditation and therapy. So, um, yeah, I was I was using every tool to help me I was like, I’m not going to fall into despair because no one’s gonna get me out. So I gotta be okay. So I was okay, to Jay Shetty a lot, who’s great with this podcast about like, helping me cope, just love and kindness and, and I remember I’m watching this guy like all these people on like, Instagram that helped me with breakups. And he was just teaching you about acceptance that it was and he was saying the story of like, if you feel that you lose a love of your life, that wasn’t the love of your life, right? Because the love of your life is not going to leave you that’s not it. You can be disappointed that you lost them and that they weren’t the one but if they are the one, they’re not going to leave you and it’s going to work out.
Chris Seiter 39:57
So it’s sort of like a paradigm shift like shifting I was like, you know, this isn’t the one if they’re not going to come back. So don’t don’t shed tears.
sad about it, but my life isn’t over. So I mean, I talked to myself a lot about elves, like, you’re gonna be okay. Like, I know you love him and you felt like he was the one. But it’s okay. V is it, you know, like you felt like the previous what might have been the one two so. So I would put a lot of things in perspective. And I was also going out with other people. To me, it was hard to to not compare, I would compare a lot. You know, a lot of times, I was like, damn, I wish I was with my ex. But you still have to push yourself to not fall into that hole of despair. And I was just being active and like, making my life not revolve about my ERP X, you know, it was more about just doing other things and being busy. But I still gave myself the first month and a half to be sad. I wasn’t forcing myself to do. I didn’t drink for like a whole month because I didn’t want to be under the influence and be sad. I would just give myself two time to cope. And then it’s time to be active. I’m pushing myself. And yeah, I guess time. It’s just time. And then I mean, if you’re, I don’t know, if you if it’s been four months, and you’re still grieving, you’re excellent sobbing yourself to sleep. You need any therapy, like for real? Because I was new with my other ex. And the breakup. The misery part lasted six months, and I needed help. And it helped. And that’s why it didn’t happen again this time.
Chris Seiter 41:27
Yeah, absolutely. somebody to talk to. I mean, I think you’re selling yourself short, a little bit with all the other meditation work. And I don’t know, it seems like you’ve kind of developed a lot of healthy habits that you kind of embedded during the No Contact Rule. But like I said, I It’s impressive. You know, I feel I feel like you have nothing but pride, you should feel nothing but pride because pretty much I don’t really think you made a mistake at all, which is rare.
So I appreciate it. A lot of work to be here. I mean, yeah, I was not allowing myself to fall into despair. And I was latching on to anything that would help any podcast book, meditation session friends, so and I feel like you have to not be scared to ask for help. Like you don’t have to go through this alone and even on days round. And when I was extra sad, I would go on the Facebook group and the Hi brother people up because it helps to put your situation in perspective, when you see someone else is also in this sphere. And I also have battle buddies who I will talk to a lot. That helped a lot too. They’re a great
Chris Seiter 42:34
man, I’m super glad that you found value out of those resources and everything but the thing that stands out to me was just the internal confidence that you had to know that okay, I’ve been through this before it’s going to be okay, you know, I know what to do. So just thank you so much for coming on and doing this.
Yeah, of course. Thank you. I wouldn’t be here without the program. I honestly it helps me so much. So I hope this can help others too.