Popular posts
The Complete Guide For Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back
How To Make Him Miss You After A Breakup
The Ungettable Girl
The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)
The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule
The Male Mind AFTER The No Contact Rule
What Your Ex Boyfriend Says Vs. What He Really Means
Here’s Exactly What He’s Thinking During The No Contact Rule
What To Do If Your Ex Boyfriend Blocks You
Signs My Ex Wants Me Back
Recent posts
Traits Avoidants Find Attractive
What Happens When A Narcissist Collapses?
How Do Avoidants Sabotage A Relationship?
Dismissive Avoidants And The No Contact Rule
The Power Of Silence After Rejection
Why Are Dismissive Avoidants Cruel?
The #1 Reason A Man Suddenly Commits
How Long Does Avoidant Deactivation Last?
How To Let Go Of An Avoidant Partner
How Do Avoidants Create Distance?
Post categories
johanna
January 6, 2014 at 3:22 am
Hi, my situation is a bit complicated. My boyfriend and I have broke up many times and we are back again, we keep trying and he tell me that he loves me and sometimes he tells me he doesn’t know how he feels about me. He tells me that he wants me in his life but he is not feeling the same way he felt the first time we go out before I broke up with him. Now, we are together but I feel really confused. He wants to go very slow But I feel like walking on egg shells. He text me and call me them he ignored me a couple days. I’m not texting him first I’m waiting for him to contact me. I feel like he wants to be with me but every time we started getting closed he need space from me.
Help, I love him and he had forgive me for do many crazy things I’ve done. Every time we break up he comes back to me.
Thanks
Yovi
admin
January 6, 2014 at 6:46 pm
ARe you in NC?
johanna
January 6, 2014 at 11:37 pm
We are together, but he is working a lot 60-70 hours a week. So, we are texting, taking and seeing each other but one or twice a week. But he keeps saying that we don’t have the connection we had last year. We have both broken each others heart, we have a lot of reservations and I don’t know how to get that back.
Thanks
Yovi
Stephanie
January 5, 2014 at 3:50 pm
My relationship
Ok so I feel like everyone is judging me I know I wasn’t the best girlfriend but my ex did honestly and truly love me, so I’m going to go into depth about everything and then you can let me know what you think , when we first got together we were working together we were head over heals in love , we moved in together not long after , he was so in love with my son and I we were truly happy . I have had a lot of depression issues from my past and they seemed to creep up every now and then well I eventually quit my job for what I thought was a better job opportunity and I thought things would be so much better cause we wouldn’t see eachother all the time so we would miss eachother anyways this other job turned out to be an elegal company and had to imefiatly quit my job , finding another one was hard and we had a lot of bills to pay I went a whole summer without working and it took it’s toll on us as a couple but we got through it because we did love eachother, I then decided to go back to school he was proud and agreed and said he would support me while I did that I also got finacial help from my school , then 3 days after I started school I got a job interview , so I was happy everything was looking up , but that all changed he was so supportive always picking up my son from daycare and taking care of him while I worked he loved my son so much he was the best step dad in the world , I was working 30 hours a week 6 days a week plus school I started to get upset cause we were never seeing eachother and I never got to see my son , I started to slip back into my depression and he noticed and we discussed me quiting my job and finding a cheaper apartment so that’s what I did , but the cheaper apartment was away from my home town I had to take a bus everyday an hour with my toddler to get to school and back at home at night until I was going to get my licence , I’ll admit I was lazy I would go a full week where all I wanted to do was please him I cleaned and cooked and make his lunch with cute letter and all that then I would go a week were I didn’t want to do anything , after a lot of money issues we found ourselves arguing a lot more because money stresses me out , he then decided he wanted to return to school to and I agreed as my course was done in a few months so I would be able to support him but he was starting work at 5:30 am and finished school at 10pm he had very long days and was stressed and tired and I wasn’t helping so he asked me to get a part time job I agreed but I was looking for the job instead of a job on October 4 th we woke up like any other day he gave me a kiss and said he loved me and he would text me later he did at 8 am asking what the buget looked like for the week , I told him we were tight on money and he and I started to argue he said he couldn’t do it anymore , then later that day he texted saying he really didn’t know what to do anymore about any of this and asked what I wanted to do , I was angry and sad so I said you left me that’s it , that night he went to a buddy’s place and I called a million times an texted a million times he was gone till the next day he came home and we talked well more argued again , and he gave me his phone so I could call my mom to come pick me up , I cried on the phone and he started to cry and then he took his phone and left again until the Monday , he came home and we had a real talk , he said he loved me but he was going to be sick if he continued , asked if he could continue to see my son and cried a lot I told him I wanted to help him with money he agreed then he brought me to my cottage he held my hand and kissed my forhead , I realize my mistakes I really do , the next 2 months were hard for both of us I was giving him about 800 per month to help pay down our dept , when he found out I was talkig to another guy he said he would leave me alone I did not panick I simply said it was his choice and that I would always be there for him if he needed me , later that day he had a break down and said he found it really sucked that we had to get here so that I realize I needed to change and that he loved me and that’s why we can’t be friends right now and that he loved me he did everything because he loved me and hoped I would change I sai. I was sorry and I was willing to change and wanted him to give me another chance and he said he didn’t know if that’s what he wanted , he loved me but he didn’t know if it was worth it anymore , the next day was my sons birthday he came over with a few of out mutual friends and my family was here we had fun we laughed like we always did goofed around tickled eachother and just had fun , when he put my son to bed I could here him say I’ll see you tomorrow buddy I love you , then he said he had to leave I walked him to the door he hugged me he looked I to my eyes and said he loved me kissed me and said he wanted to try he said we can take it slow and he didn’t want it to be like it was before , I said I loved him too and he came over the next night and we talked a lot he said he wants to take it slow again I agreed but that weekend I went imefiatly into relationship mode and texted him and he said he loves me and he was going out with his friends I said ok have du but then an hour later started taxting him , anyways I panicked as I always do and put myself in a relationship on facebook he didn’t like that because we hadn’t even talked about it he said we agreed to go slow , I was just so scared if he wasn’t with me he would find someone else ( insecurities from previous relationship) he said he couldn’t do it right now said it doesn’t mean it’ll never happen but right now I needed to focus on myself and we were both depressive and need to fix that he said we could help eachother out of it and said we can be best friends , later that week his moms washing machine busted and the house had a flood in the basement and he asked me to take the dog for a while I said no problem he brought the dog over that night he slept over 2 nights in a row ( I slept on couch ) but he asked for a massage both nights and we watched walking dead together 2 things I never wanted to do while we were together the second night after I said goodnight he asked me to stay and cuddle for a bit I did then about a week later was his bday he came to my place at 8 in the morning we spent the day in bed cuddling and talking and laughing then we went to the movies together , ten a week later I gave him his Christmas present , he said he apriciates it a lot, then on Christmas Day he came and had supper with my family we talked a lot about how I wanted to try gfing and snow boarding things I didn’t want to while we were together he looked disappointed and said you know I would have like you to come golfing with me the 50 times I asked you and I said I now realise when you love someone you should try and engage in there interests , he said yes . Then the fight happened Thursday , all because a girl he was talking to was mad cause I was talking to her ex , he said it’s always the same with me always jelousy and said he’s not with anyone and he is alone and to stop going on his profile on facebook to see things he then blocked me off facebook, he then said I don’t want to be with you what don’t you understand and I said why tho you used to love me so much he said I don’t love you anymore now leave me alone I asked if he hated me he said no I said you never want to talk to me again he said for the moment forget about it , he said your not even trying to change it’s always the same with you , and that’s where my story ends , I love him an now I am going to start counceling and therapy , I know he said he doesn’t love me anymore but he just seemed to care and love me not long ago so that’s my story I will change !! I know I can !! Please I will do anything you tell me too !! Fix my problem 🙁
anonymous
January 2, 2014 at 1:45 pm
Chris, i tried sending my ex a memory text similar to the example you’ve given. I send “i remember hw u had tears in yr eyes when i surprised u on yr birthday and how close we felt that night daydreaming about the future”. He replied “ya, that became memories”
Ouch. That’s a negative response. What should i do next? 🙁
admin
January 2, 2014 at 6:42 pm
I think thats actually neutral..
anonymous
January 3, 2014 at 12:56 am
How do i go from here? I have yet to reply him. Haha. I dont know if i should go into NC again, or try make small talk with him. His neutral replies dont seemed encouraging at all 🙁
To keep having to go back to NC will lessen my chances with him right?
anonymous
January 2, 2014 at 3:45 pm
Oh, i didn reply to him. And summary of my case, its been 2mths plus since i contacted him after NC. And i’ve managed to go on only 3dates with him so far. Before i sent this memory text, i asked him if he would consider going on a surprise date with me. Which he replied asking when. I replied saying; if you’re okay with it, i’ll do the planning and let you know, appreciate if you dont cancel on me once i’ve done all the planning. Then i included the memory text in.
I’m not too sure if his reply for a full on negative, and how should i go from here? Naturally i should drop the topic of “surprise date” right? Should i do NC again? What should my next move be?
Happy new year btw chris! Thank you for being so patient to help me and everyone here. 🙂 may 2014 be a better year for you!
Becki
December 30, 2013 at 9:34 am
Hi, I need help!!! Eight weeks ago as of tomorrow my boyfriend of four and a half years, turned round to me and told me he didn’t know if he wanted to be with me anymore. It was completely out of the blue we’d just got back from a lovely holiday two days before he said it. On holiday we had been planning what we were doing at Christmas and talking about having children and if I was going to work when we had them… Basically planning for the future like we always did. Before we went away we had been shopping for things for the house and he had been getting my opinion of how I wanted the kitchen and everything like that. He always told me he loved me and even told me he loved me on the morning before he told me he wanted a break. We went on a break for two weeks and after the two weeks he broke up with me saying he didn’t love me anymore and hadn’t loved me for a year. But I just didn’t believe, I still don’t. I have been round twice since to collect my things from his house. He has told me that he enjoys spending time with me, I make him happy and he finds it normal to have me at home- it was very weird going to collect my things as he had finished the house since I left and had still gone with everything that I had picked, however he denies it.
None of our friends saw our break up coming they were all expecting a proposal very soon. A month previous to our break he had told two of our friends that he was going to propose to me within the next year. Then breaks up with me a month after. Everyone thought that we would be back together in no time. But he is now in Vietnam with his friend travelling (the place we decided to go on our honeymoon) and he won’t rely to any of ku messages, I know I am being needy but it was so out of the blue. He told me that we are more like friends than boyfriend and girlfriend, and he didn’t like the routine we were in, even though thats what happens when you’ve been with someone so long. When I asked him why it had happened he wouldn’t give me a direct answer just said he doesn’t love me anymore and won’t even try to make it work at all.
I desperately need him back, I knew from before we started going out that he was the man I was going to marry.
I’ve spoke to his sister about it and everything he told me originally was what his sister said to him, so I don’t know if he’s just taken what she’s said and just wants some time to be single again!
Please help I don’t know what to do!!!
Becki
December 30, 2013 at 10:44 am
I also forgot to say he regularly spoke about us getting married and how much I had for my ring budget and what time of year we would get married. He chose to come to my graduation with me and have professional pictures done with me for our house together, he pickled the ones he wanted for us to get printed out and that was only a month before the break up. He told me on the last time I saw him that it wasn’t that he didn’t want marriage and kids it’s that he didn’t want them with me. I told him and have told him many times since the break up how much I love him and he keeps telling me that I will find someone who will treat me better, I know that there is no one else he let me check through his phone on one of my visits to collect my things. He also said to me how can you still love me I’ve said some really hurtful things to you. Which makes me think he is only saying them to make me not want him anymore. I certainly don’t believe him when he said he doesn’t love me any more as he’s still slept with me since the break up and wished me night on a few occasions. He also kissed me buy when he showed me out the house for the last time.
Becki
January 3, 2014 at 1:04 pm
Will the no contact rule get him back for me chris? I’m on day 5 now
Cammy flowers
December 29, 2013 at 1:09 pm
Is no contact the only way cuz my ex and i are close friends and we laugh and he flirts with me a lot and complements and calls frequently
Cherry
December 23, 2013 at 7:05 am
Hello dear admin Chris.. I’ve been reading your whole essay by now. But yet I am lost. Basically my mind lost. I cannot decide what to do? I argued with my babe just a few days ago. And yes, I was mad and I told him that my ideal boyfriend never existed in this world. Very hurtful, yes I know. The truth is, my friend … Basically a girlfriend, my ex-girlfriend and I’m not les btw… I just discussed to her and sharing our experience in boy and stuffs and idk… I wanna have a family with my current boyfriend. I wanna settle down and have a baby. And yes I’m still young but I insisted I wanted a baby. My boyfriend had been a very understandable person and he does know that my dad doesn’t allow me to have a boyfriend which is basically so stupid but yes he wouldn’t allow. So, i wanted a baby first (before getting married) because by then my dad would allow me to marry him.. Mayb. Sighh. Stupid I know but I really love Ban. And you know… I hurt him a lot because my friend told me about stuffs and I was so upset and it was related to him and then yes idk why i said it but I just said he isnt my ideal boyfriend and now he wanted me to make him fall in love with me again within 6 months. Yepp 6 months. JUS 6 freaking months. Please advice on this , Chris. He told me he lost feelings for me because I hurt him too much and now he … Idk he jus like doesnt wanna talk to me but he did accompany me in gaming. I know he loves League of Legends and I’m trying to learn so I could maybe accompany him more ? I don know Chris , I’m so lost right now..
admin
December 23, 2013 at 8:21 pm
Have you started NC? Sometimes time away isn’t horrible.
J
December 21, 2013 at 5:32 pm
Okay…
So it’s been a month with my situation and a lot has changed. I was just wondering where you think I’m at in the whole process of getting back together.
When I last posted on his site, my ex boyfriend had told me that he thought we needed some distance between us. Unfortunately, my dad got really sick and so I reached out to him because he was around when I did a skydive for charity and he is aware of my dad’s condition. Anyway, he tried to be there for me, but he was still distant because he was still angry with me. When I asked him to come round for to comfort me, he told me that he didn’t think it was the way forward because we still have issues between us and what not. He said that he didn’t want to be there for me like that and I just left it because I was too hurt. I wished him all the best with the future etc.
He then text me a week later asking me if I was ok. I kept my responses brief and made sure the conversation ended with me not replying. He then text me again couple days later telling me that he had downloaded one of my favourite artists and we had another text conversation, again ending on me not responding to his last text. During the conversation, we reminisced about some old times and exchanged some Lols.
Two days after that, I had another family emergency. Due to my dad’s illness we’ve run into some financially difficult and the repo men came round. I called him and asked him to help me move my dad’s car off of our drive and to a safe place. He did come round and put aside some of his plans. I asked him to buy me some chocolate and he came with the chocolate.
We hung out for a while and we spoke about a few things that had happened in our lives since our break up in Oct. It definitely felt like there was still a spark. I even got him to pinky promise taking me out for Valentines day (I know, actions and words lmao). When he got home, he text me to ask me if I had eaten the chocolate and then we flirted and joked from there. He sent me a few flirty images and we kind of got onto a gift that I had bought him (the past eeeek).
I got a little upset (not emotional, but assertive) because he didn’t use the gift that I had bought him, although it was expensive and he cited the our breakup as the reason that he didn’t use it. He explained a little, I said alright and then goodnight and he didn’t respond after (too soon to talk about the past maybe).
So, I left it a few days and then text him wishing him good luck for his football game today. It’s his first day back after a serious injury. He text me back with a smiley face.
I feel like it’s gone back to me having to instigate texting convo with him again. Whereas before, he was instigating text convo with me.
What do you make of it? Should I text and ask how the match went or leave it a few days?
admin
December 22, 2013 at 2:34 am
I think you can text him in a few days asking about the match.
Vanessa
December 21, 2013 at 4:36 am
So I kind of just need some help here..
I’m still in love with my ex boyfriend. And believe me I’ve tried moving on and it hasn’t been possible. I compare every guy to him, and no one makes me as happy as he does. We have a good friendship right now, but I just want to rekindle that spark we used to have. I hint at him a lot that I want him back. I write cute letters, show affection, I feel like I’ve almost done everything possible and it’s not working. But I know he still cares and has feelings because he’s told me he does. I think he may be afraid just to be in a relationship with me again because he doesn’t want to get hurt. And I mean that’s understandable. But I’ve told him time after time that I would never hurt him again, and that I’d change my ways. I almost completely rely on him for happiness. And he completes me. He gives me butterflies, yes after 3 years of knowing him he still makes me feel like a little girl with a crush. He says he wants to be with me and then he doesn’t. And I’d literally just do anything to get him back. Because this guy is my world, and absolutely no one except for him knows how much he means to me.
Please help. I just want my happiness, the only guy who completes me, back in my life.
admin
December 22, 2013 at 2:12 am
Are you going to do NC?
Quinn
December 19, 2013 at 7:07 pm
Hey Chris — I feel like the nostalgic text you describe sending after the NC period is so evidently transparent in what it is trying to achieve; how can something so very obvious be effective?
I really have no excuse to call or text him, other than to see how he is doing (he is alone in a city that he moved to for me with out family or friends over his major bday and the holidays). I went and picked up the rest of my things while he was at work. My NC period will last over all those major events and end the day after my own birthday.
Questions:
I have a small gift I had got for his b-day, super- cheap but just something that he wanted, and it has some sentiment attached from a memory of spending the holidays with me and my family last year. I don’t know how powerful of a positive feeling it would be for him ( he’s normally very unemotional, aspergers-ish, but of note did sobbbingly cry when breaking my heart) but definitely not negative. Would this be okay after NC? I would just drop the parcel at his place after the 30 day NC period and while is away on a trip. So he’d receive it without seeing me, or should I use it as an excuse to see him in person after the NC period?
Lastly, your endorsement of the NC period in being so effective leads me to ask whether it stunts people from moving forward by holding on to very remote hope, or if its effective in the sense that the distance also provides space to the heart broken to allow some time for mending?
admin
December 21, 2013 at 3:12 am
You can always make it less transparent!
As for NC.. it can kind of work both ways as you alluded. The distance can provide a way of moving on if you need it to be.
Kayleigh
December 14, 2013 at 1:53 pm
Hi Chris, I’m an avid reader of all your posts and have previously messaged you but want to let you know where I am now and ask you for further advice please!
Basically, my ex boyfriend ended things with me on 18th October, I found your website and immediately started following your advice. I did the 30 day no contact period and didn’t hear a thing from him nor did I message him – hardest thing in the world! I dated other guys and made an attempt to ‘improve myself’ which I feel I have done. I sent the first message after 30 days and got a response straight away to my positive memory text, we messaged a few times and then he said “I’m pleased to hear you’re okay and doing well. I’m going to go now. Take care xx” I thought I’d lost him at this point. However, on the weekend of that same week he messaged me asking why I’d messaged him. I explained I wanted to see how he was and even to see if he would reply. He said since that night of messaging him, he couldn’t stop thinking about me! We messaged all day catching up and by the evening (and I’m sorry I slipped up here and got lost in the moment!) we ended up in a hotel room and spent the night together. After this he messaged me everyday. He told me in the time we weren’t talking he had thought about, and discussed, getting back with his ex wife. He said he didn’t want her now as his feelings for me were growing strong again. He messaged her explaining that things wouldn’t work between them and that it is over. So I was starting to think I had a real chance here!
After a another meet up – just a Christmas shopping trip this time! We were growing really close, had lots of contact, held hands, kissed etc. then went a while where I didn’t see him and he messaged me saying “please wait for me, I will make the right choice” implying he was going to get back with me. Everything seemed to be going okay.
Then this week happened. He still continued to message me (he always starts the conversations) however he seemed short with me, not as complimentary, closed and different. He asked me to go on a date with him last night and I agreed as he said he wanted to talk to me about his feelings. Then last night we had a great time together but he told me that he can’t commit to me at the moment. He’s not fully over his ex. He loves me but not in the same way I love him but he does love me and care for me and enjoys seeing me and being in my company. He said all the things that suggested he wants me but said at the moment he’s not sure what he wants out of his life and that he’s not sure how long it will take him to get his head in the right place for a relationship and he’s worried that dating me could potentially not lead to anything.
I’m really confused and unsure of my next moves now. He said about he would still like to see me and chat to me but he’s not sure if I would want that as he’s aware he’s messed me around a lot.
Thing is, I still love him deeply and I do want him back. I’m prepared to play the long game and date and take things slow with him and he knows this. We are supposed to be meeting near to Christmas to exchange gifts but again, I’m not sure how to behave/act around him?
How do I win him back?
Please help!
Thanks for you time!
Kayleigh
admin
December 14, 2013 at 10:38 pm
Can I ask you a question. When you interact with him.. Do you leave him wanting more?
Sarah
December 10, 2013 at 9:32 am
Hi there
I need some advice. I think though I basically have no chance of getting my ex to want me back or love me again. So much has gone on that I don’t think there is any way to get past it and I guess there are so many factors against it.
Let me start.
I met my ex 2.5 years ago whilst I was on holiday in Fiji. He is German and I am Australian. It wasn’t long after we got back that we started a friendship over the internet and would skype and talk a lot of Facebook. I was in my final year of university when we met & I planned a trip to Europe for when I graduated. I went to europe at end of 2011 for a 6 week holiday which sort of set off our whirlwind romance into action. I fell in love and he had strong feelings for me too. I arrived back in Aussie and he called things off. Saying that he didn’t know how he felt and he’s an affective person and needs to be with the one he loves…needless to say there wasn’t much I could do. He came out to Australia in March last year to see how he felt and he was affectionate the whole time kissing and cuddling me but he kept saying he felt all his feelings had gone. He went back to Germany and broke things off again. This kind of thing continued for a good few months of him having feelings and seeing how he felt until about July last year. It screwed me around a lot. I had a flight booked to Europe in September last year at which point I had planned to visit him and spend two weeks with him to see how things were. However in July last year (on my birthday) he told me he had kissed another girl and he didn’t feel guilty about it which to him must mean that basically his feelings are all gone. He told me that he can’t be the guy for me. That things would never work out. That I need someone guiding in my life and he can’t be that guy. I was very hurt and angry and confused. We stopped talking from end of July. I had my Europe trip booked for September and I still decided to go on it and go to the city in Germany where he was living but I decided I would stay at a hostel. I did this exactly. When I got to Germany I messaged him and told him I was in his city and would he like to catch up. Keeping in mind it had been 2 months since we spoken. I wasn’t over him and still loved him but I always thought if we did meet up again we would say goodbye, get closure and that would be it. Final. He was away when I messaged and was due back in Germany thr night after, he said no at first saying it wasn’t a good idea and then he said he said the closer he got to Germany the more he felt the impulse to meet with me. We met up and he was completely over whelmed. He hugged me so much and kept touching and cuddling me…he said he suprised himself that he acted that way around me…we spend the weekend together. Kissing and cuddling. I had to go back to Australia on the Monday and he started to get weird before I left. Acting distant and mind changing. I told him I wanted to move to Germany to be with him and give it a real shot.
I got back to Australia and he was cold again. We were talking but he was being distant…he could never tell me he wanted me to move to Germany to be with him. one night I got a call and he told me there was something he needed to tell me (I was thinking here we go again! It’s all off again). He told me he had a one night stand a few nights ago…that he felt so guilty and upset about it and now knew what it was like to sleep with someone that u love (he had never really been with anyone else, I was his first) and that he does want me to move to Germany and he wantd to give it a try…I was devastated but sort of relieved. I always wished he had more experiences that he could compare to. I had a few relationships before him so I knew what was special and wasn’t.
So I decided to forgive him (technically we weren’t together) and I made plans to move to Germany. I moved to Germany in December 2012. Things were amazing at first but I struggled being away from family and friends. He was my main support network. He was all I had and It was hard for me. I gave up everything. This made it hard for me…I felt like I lost my independence and we spent so much time together (too much). He felt like he lost his freedom…we nearly broke up and then we sorted things out and kept going. We both made compromises and made changes. I couldn’t find a job in Germany for 6 months. So I had to move to London in July to earn some money. I was worried about this but he was so supportive and said this is good for our relationship. It’s something new and exciting. He visited me for my birthday in London and was so affectionate and loving. He got back to Germany and started to get a little weird again. I went to visit him to sort things out and things were fine again. He came to Australia in October for my brothers wedding and everything were perfect! I felt like everything was going perfectly. That we were in a stable relationship and talking about the future. He told me he had thr best time with me in Australia and loved me. I thought we were at the best part of our relationship.
I was supposed to head back to London at end of October however I decided to stay on an extended holiday in Aussie. Before I made that decision I asked him if we would be ok. He told me before I made the decision “baby I love you, we are gonna be fine, it’s only 6 extra weeks!!! Come back to Germany in December or I’ll come to u in Aussie for Xmas/New Years.” So I decided to stay in Aussie and changed my flight to go back to Germany in December…..(as in now)
And now this is where it gets to the point of needing advice. At first things were great. We would Skype once a week, message every day. I felt like things were so settled between us and stable…he made me feel that way. I did notice however he started getting a little distant…and I asked him several times if everything is ok, if we are ok to which his answer was “everything is fine, just stressed with work” we continued to make plans for Xmas and New Years…
Two weeks ago I asked him again if we were fine to which he asked “huh why?” And I said “I have a feeling you are acting distant.” He finally said “there is no doubt I’ve been distant. I’ve changed a lot recently..” I told him it wasn’t fair thar he was treating me that he needs to communicate with me to which he replied that he doesn’t know how he feels he was gonna wait until I got back to Germany to see how he feels. It’s impossible to know how u feel about someone when u not standing in front of them. I got agitated saying he can’t be so hot and cold with me. That it hurts. He told me he is fully focused with his career and music right now and doesn’t need me for fulfillment. He said he didn’t want to make a big deal about how he felt at moment as most likely everything would be fine when I got back to Germany. I was upset and hurt…but I accepted this As I knew that talking too much before we see each Other was pointless and had lead to so many miscommunication problems in the past.
The next day I got a message saying we need to talk and he will talk to me in a few days. I said its unfair to keep me hanging. We spoke the next day. He called me and told me he can’t see a future anymore and that there is always going to be distance there and he doesn’t see the point in continuing when there will be distance always there. That even when I come back to Germany I will have to leave in 3 months to go back to London as my German visa expires and even then when my London visa is expired in 2015 there is gonna be more distance between when it expires and he finishes his apprenticeship. He said he doesn’t want to continue this relationship anymore. That his feelings for me have gone. He has gone cold and best to end things now than wait till I get back to Germany where I would’ve given everything up again…..
That happened two weeks ago. He broke up with me on the phone. He told me his decision was final and he has no feelings for me anymore……I can’t understand how someone can go from loving someone so much 6 weeks earlier to well this? To having no feelings? I feel he should’ve waited till I got back in Germany to make up his mind. He told me he would tell me the same thing then…I am going back to Germany this Friday to pick up all my belongings. He agreed 2 weeks ago saying we could talk when I’m back in Germany but he will be telling me the same stuff. That I shouldn’t come with hope cos it’s final and over…..
I don’t know what to do. I love him so much and really believe that distance is the main problem here and that we could’ve worked things out. And I just don’t know how feelings could change in a matter of weeks. But he says they have….I desperately want him back but I’m not sure how to go about it? I never knew this was gonna happen. It was all out of the blue.
Any advice…I understand this is a bit of a crazy and complicated situation. I am meant to be meeting with him this weekend. He wants to meet in a neutral location and I want to meet in private because I know I’ll be upset. I guess I just need advice…I want to get him back but he acting so resistant……
admin
December 10, 2013 at 7:17 pm
Well, what have you done so far?
NC, LC?
Sarah
December 10, 2013 at 11:55 pm
I stopped contacting him for a week but messaged him two days ago to find out when we could talk face to face and I could get my things back. He wants to meet somewhere neutral because he thinks if we meet at his the conversation would be endless (for which we argued over because I want to meet privately and he doesn’t). He is being very cold towards me. Do you think there is any chance of winning him back or even making him even slightly feel he made the wrong decision? How do I instigate that feeling when I see him? (Keeping in mind he broke up with me over the phone & I haven’t actually see him. He told me all his feelings for me are gone).
All his friends say they get the impression with him that it’s really over and he is done with it. I don’t know if I should stay in Germany or leave and come back to Australia…
Sarah
December 13, 2013 at 7:49 am
Help
I fly to Germany today and am meeting to talk with my ex tomorrow so he can tell me to his face how he doesn’t wanna continue tugs. We broke up 2 weeks ago.
How should I act when I first see him? How can I plant a seed in his mind so he starts to even slightly question if he made the right decision??
admin
December 13, 2013 at 7:38 pm
Just be extremely classy, nice and very happy.
Nicole
December 9, 2013 at 8:12 am
When my 60 days of NC ends should I try this approach of getting my ex back? I broke up with him & I found out a week later that I completely overreacted. It’s so upsetting because he told me when I talked to him last week that he didn’t want me back right now. I think he kept saying that he didn’t want me or didn’t have a girlfriend (when I made references to being his gf) because I kept bringing it up.
My ultimate goal is to spend the rest of my life with him & build a relationship full of love.
admin
December 9, 2013 at 7:48 pm
If you think it will help you the best then I say so.
Claudia
December 5, 2013 at 3:25 pm
Hi,
My boyfriend and I were together solid for 2 and a half years and broke up over a month ago. The 30 days of no contact however will be achieved on the 12th December (roughly).
We had issues. Me more so with him than he openly shared about me so it was a bit of a shock when after a period of our relationship being content and stable (then had a first argument in a long time) that he would leave ME. (maybe it was a final straw scenario for him or deeper underlining issues? – we may never know).
The break up was a intense process! He cried, i cried. We declared how we were each other’s best friends. Despite me having a bit more fight leftin me for the relationship, he said he had none and that this would be better for both of us.
Strangely, instead of immediately parting ways as we broke up, he stayed and we hung out until the late evening (we even carved some pumpkins and made pancakes!)
It didn’t hit us i guess that the break up was real, even though I did cry at the sight of anything and he was there to comfort me – saying he hated to see me like this and that he never wanted to hurt me.
However, by the evening I was a little angry with the whole thing. So after he ordered us pizza (neither of us actually had an appetite to eat it in the end) I got into bed, gave him my house keys and said “When you’re done eating, let yourself out, lock the door and post the keys back.”
I managed to sleep. After his drive home, he contacted me saying “I hated the way we left things. It felt like you never wanted to see me again. This was the hardest decision of my life and the longest drive of my life”.
Then he sent another asking if i was still awake.
I received these text message at 3am as they woke me up. So I responded, to which he said “I sent those hours ago, i hope they didnt wake you”. My immediate thought, well, what was HE doing up at such a ridiculous time! he said he couldn’t sleep but he took some sleeping pills to help him blah blah blah.
My instinct was to console him and we reassured each other that maybe after all of this, if we remain friends, maybe we could see where that goes – possibly a relationship.
The next morning he texted me saying the usual ‘Good morning’ boyfriend to girlfriend text. he also did it for the day after.
However, the next days, when I wanted to engage in texting or conversation, he shut me out. He replied, and immediately, and called me if i wanted him to. However, he was cold and reinforced how this was OVER. We then arrived at the conclusion that if we didn’t know how to tal to each other maybe we shouldnt for a while.
However, we still managed to contact each other (i probably contacted him) and he would just say things like: how he was ok without me. He was doing just fine and enjoying his own company.
By that time i posted some facebook status’ so he made a comment about how “he can see that i’m doing well aswell”.
But his attitude towards me was a stark contrast to how he was behaving just a few days before.
He even made some petty comments about how he’s sick of people asking how he is because “its not like his favourite dog died.” he’s fine.
Then i found out from a mutual friend that he was bragging to his single friends about also being single and when asked if he was ok his response was “I’m the one who broke up with her, what do i have to be sad about”
AGAIN, to contrast this behavior, i received a text from him on the night saying that he hopes i get home from my lectures ok and that he is going to work early so he wont be around if i need a call on the way home.
(on that particular day I walk home quite late, its dark and not a nice walk home)
I’ve no idea what was going on with him there. However, i didn’t reply back to it.
Also, Since the break up it seems as if he’s been going out of his way to post more on facebook about things he’s doing, posting videos, photos etc.
He never used to post ANYTHING on facebook in the 2 and a half years we were together. it’s things he’s doing with his friends, and i know how close he is with them, so i know they speak via ‘iphone chat groups’ and ‘kik’ and ‘skype’ so its almost unnecessary for him to post trivial things on there about what they’re doing….because the only people who he contacts are the people he’s doing these things with anyway. It seems like he’s trying to prove or attract some attention. or he could have discovered a new love for social networking all of a sudden.
To summarize, he is acting in an almost digressing way in terms of maturity and attitude. He matured a lot with me while we were in a relationship – people even liked him more! and he was a great, caring, supportive person who greatly contributed in my life and i can’t help thinking there is more to be gained here providing he stops acting the way he has been since the break up!
Most of our problems stemmed from silly things in the past. Now that the relationship based on those dodgy foundations is gone, we have a clean slate to finally ‘JUST BE HAPPY!’.
I maybe didn’t always appreciate him while he was around and focused on the imperfections and punished him for the mistakes he made -silly lies, nothing thinking about me enough, blah blah blah.
since i lost him, I understood just how important he was. and just how good he was for me (in terms of support and the fact he always showered me with acts of kindness – washing dishes, driving long distances to visit me at University and In effect seeing his friends less because of it etc) yeah, he screwed up often too, but who doesn’t?
Anyway, the time is approaching for the ‘no contact’ rule to end.
The catch in the story is that I have yet to return some of his things (shampoos, dvds, toothbrush) and I have to collect my things from him.
Based on what i’ve outlined,
How should or could I approach the situation?
This is a good excuse to meet, without losing dignity by contacting him first.
Do I text him? Or Call him? Do i do it on the day i want to exchange things? or ahead of time?
I’m breaking up from University for Christmas holidays so it requires me going back to my home town which could also be nostalgic for both of us, possibly working in my advantage.
How do I make this situation work to my advantage? to rekindle that something and make him ‘re-feel’ what was once there before?
How do i play this out from here…
Thank you in advance, I hope the mass of text wasn’t too overwhelming. <comment box so small it doesn't show the extent of ranting!
Kind regards.
admin
December 5, 2013 at 7:08 pm
Exchange things.. Then go into NC for a while.
Claudia
December 6, 2013 at 1:03 pm
And is there anything i can particularly do while we’re meeting to make him want to contact me after? Except looking as amazing as humanly possible..
Sana
December 7, 2013 at 3:45 am
Hi Claudia!
I was just reading your story and I literally went through the same break up 6 months ago. Initially, I was emotional but then I started focusing on myself. I’ve gotten a full time grad job starting after the holidays, I worked hard at the gym and spent heaps of time with my friends!
My ex was playing hot and cold with me for the past 4 months. But I stayed strong and made sure I looked my best at all the parties we were both at. When we bumped into each other, I smile and wave. Make sure you always look happy even if you dont feel ontop of your game.
I gave up on my ex even being my friend a month ago, and guess what? Since he saw me at his 21st. He has been messaging me non stop. We met up last week to catch up and he’s already asked me out again!
If you just stay strong and focus on yourself instead of him. You’ll come out of the experience as a more confident woman! 🙂
Claudia
December 7, 2013 at 10:21 pm
Hey Sana,
You’re great! Thank you for the insight.
I’ve started the same thing with the gym and the friends. Currently at Uni so plenty of work to focus on.
They always come back around, dont they? So im sure once I stop caring entirely, a lot like you did, he’ll probably realise what he’s lost and once he’s grown up he’ll try to find a real woman, like the one he lost 😉
Thanks for the support.
What’s your story now? Are you over him? Are you willing to take him back eventually?
Kate
December 4, 2013 at 2:04 pm
Hi Chris, I am completely hung up over my ex and no one can give me proper advice! This is urgent 🙁 I have been dating a guy for nearly 6 months. Within the first 3 weeks of us being, sort of a couple, but not official yet, I still did not have strong feelings for him. I made a mistake and cheated on him as I didn’t see this as becoming serious. Seeing as it made little difference to me, I was just having fun. Though, only a few weeks after we started dating- he found out. He broke up with me, but didn’t delete me off any social network and was genuinely upset. The night I saw him to talk about it, he said, he just can’t do it. And he left. I went home for the weekend, cried my eyes out, but left him alone. On the Sunday night when he wasn’t with any of his friends, I messaged him saying “Do you want to talk?” He said “Please.” Then we spoke about it, we made promises never to cheat on each other and carried on with the amazing relationship we were having, although we weren’t actually dating, but we still considered it to be cheating. By then I knew that I loved him, and never cheated on him again. Although, what I did was I became very close to his friends- bad idea. I’m the type of person that likes to make friends with the people I surround myself with. Because I was always with him, I gave myself the comfort of getting to know the people I was going to surround myself with. Seeing as he is a jealous person, he got very angry and emotional over this, and after a few months of putting up with it, he broke up with me. I was completely naive to the whole situation and the break up was so sudden and he was so stubborn about it. I cried to him on the phone saying sorry, and all he said was “Its for the better, I do love you but its better” and all that. A week after not leaving him alone, constantly messaging him to enjoy his day etc etc, being really kind to him, I threw a party at my house- which all his friends and my friends came to. Obviously, his friends dragged him along, he was pretty drunk. I sat him down and I spoke to him, first he said, “I want to be friends, thats it,” then I brought up our emotional bond with each other and after that, he said “I miss you.” We then got back together and have been pretty much happy for the past month, we have given each other more space since that was a huge factor in our break up, and although we did still fight a lot, there was this amazing love we had for each other that we both missed so much from the break up and it got really intense. He went on a 5 day camp last week- during those days I stayed at home and did nothing. On the last night of his camp, I had two of my best girl friends over, coincidentally one of my best friends had a crush on one of his best friends. So, she asked if he could come over, I agreed, why not, they like each other. Though I had a gut feeling he wouldn’t be impressed when he found out, but being the social butterfly I am, I said yes. Hoping for one person, four of my boyfriend’s best friends arrive knocking on my door, astounded, I decide to be hospitable and let them in seeing as they are his friends and I should be nice to them. While they still had the nerve to ask if they could sleep over at their best mate’s girlfriend’s house, I very easily declined. My (now ex) boyfriend has big issues with me and other guys, especially his friends because he felt threatened as if I was choosing them over him. By finding this out, he brushed it off, we enjoyed our day together when he came home, but when he went back to his house after a day or so with each other: he didn’t want to talk to me. He asked to be left alone and I did, I tried. But being me, and seeing that every time I talk to him, it made things better. I was used to not leaving him alone and him giving in to me. So this time, I didn’t leave him alone and I just pushed him further and further away till I got so angry that he just broke up with me. As if I hadn’t done enough, I messaged him for a few days after because I was so scared to lose him that he actually got his friend to answer his phone when I called and told me “He isn’t interested in you anymore, please leave him alone.” After that, I completely left him alone because I cannot make this any more destroyed than it already is. I have left him alone for 2 days now, and its really hard because all I’m thinking of is, he’s gonna come back like he always does. Now its different, he has deleted me off many social networks and sort of blocked me out of his life. I really do love him so much, and I am willing to change. When I asked him this time if he loves me, he said to me, “No I don’t.” He is hanging out with another girl already, and writing this now has kind of made me realise how bad the situation actually is. I know that deep down under that stubborn person he is, the memories are still there in his heart but he is pushing them away. Should I try and make him see that I am that “ungettable girl?”
admin
December 5, 2013 at 1:16 am
Yes!
And the best way to do that is to really work on getting him to chase you. That is what I have found it is all about.
Kate
December 4, 2013 at 2:11 pm
+ when I asked him to give me closure by seeing me face to face (he did this over the phone,) he declined and said “Why can’t you just get the fact that I don’t want to see you!”
admin
December 5, 2013 at 1:17 am
Thats not good…
He definitely seems angry.
Kate
December 4, 2013 at 2:14 pm
Right now all he is doing is avoiding me and partying with his friends and seeing lots of girls. I think that he is happy and this may be way too late, but I have never given him the NC treatment and he’s so used to having me always giving 100% to him. If I give him the NC treatment now and maybe add him back on Facebook in a month or so time, do you think he will accept?
admin
December 5, 2013 at 1:16 am
I do but don’t add him back until after NC.
kim
December 3, 2013 at 12:13 pm
Hi Chris, thanks for the insight. I still do have feelings for my ex and would like to get him back using the friend zone strategy. The thing is we finally had closure some time back and apparently he still has feelings for me too, but we just werent working out. And he said he doesnt think he can (should) remain friends with me because it would be “hard” for him, considering it would bring back too many memories. So basically we arent friends anymore, but i really wish we were. So how do i get him to be friends again and possibly get him back (hopefully)?
admin
December 3, 2013 at 8:03 pm
Follow the guides on this site pretty much haha.
meriem
December 4, 2013 at 9:44 pm
i’m like in the situation of kim but in my case he will be agressive and shut me down when i try to bring the subject of our relationship or our love saying that he want to forget so should i try the friend zone !!!
Imogen
December 1, 2013 at 4:21 pm
Firstly, thankyou for allowing your insights and knowledge available without leading us readers on….just to the point where we don’t get any advice but a continual link to buying what we need to ‘move on’.
I was just wondering. All this sounds great, but how do we actually get to practice it when you do not live near your ex and there are no mutual friends/organizations where you would ever meet up accidentally with your ex? How would I implement anything if he never wants to contact me after any time rule…Without purposefully trying to be somewhere he maybe which would be so totally obvious that you would be labelled a stalker!!!
Lanelle
December 1, 2013 at 8:02 am
Hey Chris!
I think the whole idea of the emotional memories text is genius and I want to use use but I don’t know when exactly I should. I want it to be timed perfectly so it’ll really get to him like you said.
He cheated on me but not in the typical hook up way. He was talking to a girl he had a thing with a while ago. He acted as if him and I were friends when talking to her so she wouldn’t know we we’re actually dating. This happened in the middle of summer, mid August and a few days ago he asked if it was possible to work on things so I agreed after thinking it through for a while.
We’ve been talking again for a few days now and our conversations are a bit dry because of that small tension between us still. (If you have some advice on how to maybe fix that, that’d be much appreciated)
But yeah. When do you think I should send him that emotional memories text?
admin
December 1, 2013 at 6:59 pm
Of all the things I have thought up in my crazy head the emotional memory texts is the best thing in my opinion. If you can truly touch someone on a deep level, having that power is unbeatable. The trick is being able to do it. You have leverage your experience, your knowledge and your own history with that person to pull it off.
Emily
November 24, 2013 at 7:12 pm
Hi Chris,
My boyfriend broke up with me about 6 weeks ago which was very sudden and out the blue. He’s just started at uni and he broke up with me the day freshers week ended. We’d been together for a year and he was the one who pursued me. We were great together and always had so much fun! He invited me on holiday with his family this summer which was great, however slowly after that I did start to notice signs that things weren’t so great anymore. I knew that he was uncertain about a uni relationship, but he had agreed with me when I said I wanted to give it a go at making it work. The signs I noticed were things like he said he didn’t plan on coming home in his first term, and instead it would be me going to visit him, he didn’t get me an anniversary gift or card (when I did!)and just in general I felt like he wasn’t putting in as much effort anymore (there are lots of examples..) As a result of this I obviously became more needy and I can positively say now that I know I became quite controlling and kind of demanding as I was trying to make things work – so I think this created a vicious circle!!
We had a pretty big argument during the middle of his freshers week as I was getting so so upset that he wasn’t making an effort, but we made up pretty quickly and for the rest of the week we were really good! He’d invited me up to visit him with his mum a few days before the argument which was nice (but I had all these things I wanted to say to him but couldn’t in front of his mum, so I think when I did have a go a few days later he was confused as it had sprung out of nowhere)I was meant to be visiting him the next weekend and he called me up to arrange it. But as we realised we had different ideas about when I was going to stay etc, his voice changed and he began breaking up with me – saying it wasn’t working and that he just wanted to be single and focus on his work and sport. Obviously I was devastated and cried to him a lot and begged him not to do it but he did. But when I told him to tell me he didn’t love me anymore he wouldn’t do it.
So anyway we haven’t spoken since then. In the first week I made 3 lists- things I loved about him, signs that he was falling out of love with me, and things that make me angry/ upset about the way he went about the breakup.
A week later I wrote him a long letter which I clearly stated wasn;t to resent the breakup, nor to beg for him back – I just wanted to show him everything from my eyes. I sent a text saying I’d like to leave a voicemail – where I said i’d written a letter and would appreciate it if he took the time to read it… I wanted him to hear me not upset and sounding pretty normal. He replied ‘okay 🙂 xx’ but since then I’ve heard nothing from him.
It’s been 6/7 weeks now with no contact whatsoever apart from that letter in the first 2 weeks. I really want to rekindle our relationship as I feel we were just so good together and the breakup really does feel like such a rushed decision – like he’d made up his mind when he was constantly hungover and stressed out from his new uni environment. I’ve used these NC weeks to really reflect on where I went wrong and just focusing on myself to make myself a better person in general and spending time with my friends and family and I do feel really good!
I’d just really like some advice on when to contact him or to wait and see if he contacts me first. He’ll be coming home for Christmas holidays soon and i’m very likely to bump into him on a nightout as where we live is pretty small! So i’m not sure whether to wait and see if I bump into him at all, or whether to start taking advice from here and beginning to text him again. Need some advice!!
admin
November 25, 2013 at 7:09 pm
How long exactly have you been in NC for?
Steph
November 18, 2013 at 2:33 am
Hello Chris,
I met my ex boyfriend whilst I studied in England. We just came back to my country two months ago but he sort of broke up with me a month ago. Basically, he said his emotion toward me has changed and feel like himself as a baby as relying on me too much.
I am not an emotional woman at all. When he told me the news, I accepted it, no shouting/yielding/begging but just cried silently and told him I still love him but respect his choice. In the past two weeks, I didn’t phone him or text him as I think it’s pointless if he has no interest in me. But everyday he still txt me & let me know what’s going on with his life and sometimes he asked me ‘how do i feel emotionally?’ or ‘what have you been doing today?’, normally I response in a short answer.
The problem is he just comes to a totally different environment where he has language barrier and loads pressure to get a job in order to stay here. Few days ago, he had an interview but he felt unsafe, so i told him i would go check him up if I don’t hear anything from him within 1.5 hours after the interview began. I did went to check him up. He looked a bit surprise when seeing me and had a very short conversation then we split up. He txted me to apologise later that evening saying sorry if he gives me a cool shoulder feeling but he was discussing business with his boss so bad timing.
What I don’t understand is, if his emotion toward me has changed then why did he still apologise, check on my emotion or ask what I am doing during a day.
The other thing is I tried to do NC rule, but our situation is a bit unique as I worry if he needs support/help in this new environment, in the end of the day, I recognise myself am the only person he trust in this country so if i cut the contact with him then it’s just too cruel.
Thanks Chris
admin
November 18, 2013 at 6:34 pm
Maybe limited contact is ideal for you.
Miranda
November 17, 2013 at 3:13 pm
Hey Chris,
So me & my ex boyfriend were together for almost 2 years, & about 2 weeks ago he broke up with me. We broke up because we always fought all the time & broke up & got back together & we were both tired of that routine. He said I was clingy & obsessive & always got mad when things didn’t go my way. I agree with him Because i was like that & apologized & begged for another chance & told him that i would change. The day we broke up, that same night he went to a party & had sex with this girl & now they’re dating. I honestly just want him back because i care & love him so much & we were best friends. I read everything you said & took notes. But before i put your plan into action, does this all pertain to me? Knowing that he has a girlfriend, will this still work for me?
admin
November 17, 2013 at 9:07 pm
I think it does but remember each situation is unique so view the ruls as more of guidelines.
Miranda
November 18, 2013 at 10:37 pm
I saw your other article about how to get your ex boyfriend back if he has a new girlfriend & the first step was the No Contact Rule, & today I started that. But it is kind of hard because I am a junior in high school & he’s a senior & we have a painting class together & he sits right across from me. Any tips on how to handle that?
admin
November 19, 2013 at 6:19 pm
Yes in this case do limited contact.
Miranda
November 19, 2013 at 11:15 pm
Last Thursday I texted him saying “Hi. I miss you” & never said anything back or to me in class yesterday. But today he tried talking to me in class & was kinda flirting with me in the hallways & when i got home he texted me saying hi & that he forgot to text me back that day & that he misses me too & what’s up. We just had a quick conversation & i ended it by saying i’m going out, talk to you later! Just to keep in short & simple because i’m doing the no contact rule. Today he was being friendly to me. Is this a good sign?
admin
November 20, 2013 at 5:34 pm
I don’t think its a bad sign.