Most of the time when I conduct one of my success story interviews it’s with someone who worked the program and got their ex back.
But I define success with our program in multiple ways.
For me, deciding NOT to get your ex back and moving on to someone else is every bit of a success as actually getting an ex back.
Especially if moving on to someone else causes you to realize just how poorly your ex was treating you.
Such was the case with Ellen in my success story interview with her.
Not only did she move on to someone new but,
- She realized that her ex was a hardcore narcissist
- She found a life long friend in our battle buddy program
- She gained more confidence
Listen to her story in our newest success story!
Chris Seiter 00:03
All right, today we’re gonna be talking to a really interesting success story. This is Ellen, who ended up posting in our community last week or sometime around there. But she’s not your typical success story. She joined the program to originally get her ex back, and then decided that Well, I guess she found a better guy. But thank you so much for coming on and doing this. Thank you. So why don’t you take us back to the beginning of when you’re going through your breakup some of the emotions that your feeling and kind of what led up to you moving on and finding someone
different? Okay. It was like, one year and three months ago, it wasn’t the beginning of Yeah. To to make 22,002 is
Chris Seiter 00:57
like a pretty long time ago.
And we actually broke up with me, I think it was last Saturday, and he texted me, it was a really bad breakup.
Chris Seiter 01:15
What did he say exactly? In the text?
He didn’t want to meet me. And I asked him why. And he said that he wanted to break up with me. So was nothing more than that. But he called me and we talked about loss really bad. Because I have been with him for four years. was out of the blue. Sort of a
Chris Seiter 01:48
out of the you didn’t like notice any signs about him becoming distant up until the breakup?
No. Nothing like that. No, no, so much.
Chris Seiter 02:00
So obviously, he breaks up with you. And then I’m assuming you go to Google or YouTube or wherever to try to find ways to get your ex back. And is that pretty much how that went down?
Yeah, that’d be I looked up. Almost every video you have on YouTube
Chris Seiter 02:19
every day. That’s like 600. Ellen.
Yeah, almost every.
Chris Seiter 02:28
So eventually, you come into the program. And you start, I guess, the program to try to get your ex back. How did that go?
It didn’t go good at all. I was too anxious. So I couldn’t handle it. And I needed more time. And he wasn’t nice to me. So we started to fight all the time. And he started to date another woman.
Chris Seiter 03:01
So he’s, so he starts to date another woman. I’m assuming at some point, you do like a No Contact Rule. To them. Do you remember how long you made it?
60 days, I think both 60
Chris Seiter 03:17
days you did 260? Day in Hong Kong? What was the thinking behind doing that? The 60 days?
was the longest time you can do according to ERP. So I did it, because they
Chris Seiter 03:31
did. So you did a 60 day No Contact Rule, which is actually a little bit longer than we recommend. But what’s what’s interesting is, I’m assuming you kind of broke it prematurely a few times. Yes. What? So how many times or what was what prompted you to break it a bunch of times like that?
I was sad and anxious. That’s all it was really hard to stay away. Okay.
Chris Seiter 04:06
So, so you you break the No Contact Rule? I’m assuming it doesn’t go well.
No, it didn’t answer or he told me to stop writing or Yeah.
Chris Seiter 04:17
Okay. So what do you do after that when he tells you basically, like, leave me alone? Stop writing. What what’s your approach after that?
I left him alone for like, one week, and then they wrote again, he did it again. Yeah, I did all the mistakes. You can you can do.
Chris Seiter 04:39
So like at some point, I think you decide to give up, right. Is that is that kind of what ends up happening?
We’ll see. You during Christmas. Last year. I applied for a job at a big bank in Sweden and he worked there and When I told him about it, he threatened me and was really angry. You told me around you? Yeah. Yeah. He told me that. If I started working there, he will quit his job and he will sell his apartment and move in with his parents and everything is my fault.
Chris Seiter 05:22
I see. Yeah. I assume did you end up taking the bank job? No,
I didn’t take it. But it was. It was too much for me. He even blocked me. So I think he was too immature. I mean,
Chris Seiter 05:38
yeah. Okay, so So basically, at that point, that was the last straw for you, the straw that broke the camel’s back, so to speak.
Yeah. I couldn’t talk to him after that, because I was blocked almost everywhere
Chris Seiter 05:52
and everywhere. Are you still blocked to this day?
Yes. Not on Facebook, but everywhere else. So.
Chris Seiter 05:59
So he still wants a small window into your life on Facebook? Yeah. But what’s interesting is, the story is about to take a good turn. So eventually, you meet this new guy, you basically give up on that axe and start moving on.
Yeah. How did that happen? I actually got a lot of help from my battle, buddy. I have one from the ERP group. And she helps me a lot, and also the group read almost everything in it. And I think it’s really good for mental health. And I wanted to meet someone better, someone which I can have a family with. So I started to date, but it was not a good in the beginning. I had Tinder, but it’s not that good.
Chris Seiter 06:54
So you tried Tinder, it didn’t work out so well.
So I actually downloaded a more mature app. And a guy brought me and we saw each other after like three days.
Chris Seiter 07:10
Do you remember what the app was called? Yeah. match.com. Oh, match. Okay.
I’m sure it’s an international app. I guess.
Chris Seiter 07:21
No, no, we have match.com here in the States. It’s just not as popular. I guess. Tinder got the dating market share something. But I remember match.com. And it was going on. So eventually you you meet someone on match.com.
Chris Seiter 07:39
and how did that go?
Well, he was really nice. And he’s actually a gentleman. It’s not that common. It’s pretty rare in my age, and he actually holds every door for me. And he pays for me when we are out and eat at restaurants and even holds my bag. He does everything for me. It’s
Chris Seiter 08:06
so I’m assuming your ex boyfriend did not do those things.
And maybe it didn’t even buy me a Christmas present or what? No Christmas presents? No, it was really mean to me.
Chris Seiter 08:22
So that’s interesting to me. Why do you think it took you so long to get to that place where you’re like, you know what, I deserve better?
I think it is because you have a vision. You can see a future retirement, really liked his family and his friends and his life. I wanted to be a part of it. But you don’t see the bigger picture. You don’t think about it in that way. It’s more like a dream. And it’s hard to lose that. I think that’s
Chris Seiter 09:00
disappeared. It looks like we’re having some technical difficulties. And my back. Yeah. Okay. So yeah, I think that was a really poignant way of putting that, that you kind of like, hold on to that vision. And you kind of don’t want to let it go. Obviously, we’re doing this interview to kind of really speak to people in the group and show people that there’s light at the end of the tunnel, even if you don’t get your ex back the way you want. What would you say to someone listening to this, that struggling? Holding on to that vision? What what what are some words of advice from because you’ve already made it through you’ve made it to the promised land so to speak, what do you tell people who are struggling?
Give it a lot of time. It took me over one year and do things you like for example Meet new friends and start a hobby. For example, I started training at a team, and the new guy even trains with me and I have a new friend, which I trained with. So do things you like and meet new friends and just keep busy and try to be patient takes a lot of time. And I think almost like 80% of the people in the group deserves so much better. Yeah. It’s really important to look after red flags and be and don’t use Tinder, for example, you can use it but you need to be very, I don’t know, either. really careful. And
Chris Seiter 10:55
well, let’s talk a little bit about that. You say you need to be careful on Tinder. What’s what’s informing That? That? Words,
a lot of guys. They only want sex. So they do will say whatever they want. They try to make you think otherwise. So you think they want a relationship or a future with you, but in and when they get six, they disappear. So I think you should. It’s actually my battle buddy. From ERP, she actually taught me this. She actually made me wait a long time and to look after more serious guys and
Chris Seiter 11:42
older guys. So I guess essentially, the battle buddy. So when you look back at your experience in, in the community, you would say probably your connection that you made with the battle buddy was the most impactful aspect of that.
Yeah, she’s a friend of mine. Now, we talked a lot, so she helps me a lot.
Chris Seiter 12:05
So that’s interesting. Are you guys both nearby each other? Have you ever met in person yet?
No. She’s in Switzerland. So it’s no, yes. I think it’s Switzerland. So it’s not here, but it’s in Europe. So it’s the same timezone. So that’s the same
Chris Seiter 12:23
timezone. Yeah, for sure. So you meet the new guy. Things are going really, really well. And by comparison, I guess it feels like, Oh, this is what a relationship is supposed to be like.
Yeah, I feel really secure and calm and happy. It’s like heaven.
Chris Seiter 12:46
So how long have you been with the new guy for?
I think three weeks. So it’s pretty new. But we are always talking about winning together in the future.
Chris Seiter 12:56
Wow. moving in together. Have you ever talked with someone that quickly?
No, actually not.
Chris Seiter 13:07
Have you guys said that? told each other that you love each other yet?
No, but he’s in love with me. You told me that?
Chris Seiter 13:15
Well, I mean, that’s, that kind of counts in my book tells you that he’s in love with you. How often do you guys see each other?
Like for three days a week? Wow.
Chris Seiter 13:29
four to three, three to four days a week. So obviously, you’re over your ex. Yeah, that’s, that’s kind of the interesting thing, I think is that we’re not really talking about here is how long do you felt like it take it took for you to get to that place where you got over them? Like officially,
like one year and one month or so it was 13 points? Yeah.
Chris Seiter 13:58
Do you feel like there’s any tips or tricks you can give to someone who wants to get over their ex on what actually worked for you?
We’ve been talking about it with other people. Because when I talked about him, they all saw a lot of red flags and a lot of abuse. And so it made me think about him in a really bad way. I think that’s important, and also to be really occupied and starting a new life.
Chris Seiter 14:33
Well, that’s the interesting what you said about talking to other people. Yeah, because I think I think there’s more to it than just talking to other people. I think it’s talking to impartial people. Because sometimes, like when you talk to your friends or family who don’t like your ex, you’re not going to ultimately get an authentic reaction from someone who can just look at a situation but when you’re talking to someone who doesn’t have any skin in the game, and they’re looking at your situation saying hey, these are some really major red flags are emotionally abusing you hear. It can, I think maybe was it? Was it the fact that you were talking to like a battle buddy? That was saying like, Hey, these are red flags, you need to watch out for this? Yeah. Was that when it sort of started clicking for you?
Yes. And before that I have talked to my family and friends that know him. So it’s
Chris Seiter 15:25
both sides. Oh, so they hadn’t met him before?
No, not my new friends. So it helped a lot.
Chris Seiter 15:33
Okay, so obviously, this guy was really rude really mean emotionally using you? You kind of got out of that situation. And what I think is really hard for people to maybe understand is some of the red flags. So could you take us maybe through some of the red flags that people need to be paying attention to that maybe they’re excusing? Because they are holding on to that vision?
One big red flag was that it was really rude and mean to other people. For example, if we were in a store, or the restaurant he talked about about people he doesn’t know. And he started to be mean to me as well. And he always talked about yourself in like, he was on a pedestal.
Chris Seiter 16:23
Narcissistic type. Yeah.
Yeah. And he actually hide me from his friends and family for four years. So
Chris Seiter 16:34
four years. So did you ever meet them?
No. Wow. Okay. Yeah.
Chris Seiter 16:42
Do you? Do you know if he also was seeing someone else at the same time?
No, I don’t know. Because we didn’t see each other that much. It could take like two weeks between or so I don’t know. Maybe, but I don’t think so.
Chris Seiter 17:03
But so is your so he’s rude to other people. Was that just like rude to the waiter or something? Or was it talking bad about people that you’ve worked with?
Looks bad about people all the time? All the time? Yeah. I couldn’t even watch TV with him or stand in line at the store anything. He talked bad about people only all the time.
Chris Seiter 17:26
Wow. Was there any other red flags? Other than than those two?
Maybe that he felt bad about me my clothes and my weight? And
Chris Seiter 17:40
it sounds like it sounds like a narcissist. Yeah,
I could do what I want that I couldn’t do what I wanted.
Chris Seiter 17:48
Yeah. Sounds. He sounds I mean, I’m not a licensed therapist or anything. So I can’t clinically but he definitely sounds like a narcissist. Because like a narcissist will have the idealization stage where they like, idealize you at first, and then make you feel super special. And then they have what’s called the devalue stage where they do everything in their power to devalue you and talk down to you. And it seems kind of like a classic case of him sticking in that. And it seems to me like you had a difficult time holding yourself out of that situation. Here.
Yeah, it was really hard. I was actually depressed. And so yeah, I went to therapy for like, half a year, I think. So it was hard.
Chris Seiter 18:36
In the therapy help,
we have it. Now. The thing that helped me most was finding new friends and doing other stuff. But it was really hard because you are attached to people. I don’t know why you like the space you like, when they are nice to you even do they really mean it’s really hard to describe and it’s actually a bit embarrassing?
Chris Seiter 19:06
No, I don’t think you’d be embarrassed at all. I think actually, you’re just by having these open, honest discussions about this, I think, to effect people. Probably the most important thing that you said there is the thing that worked the most was attaching to other people, surrounding yourself with other people. Do you feel like that was because you’re able to form a connection with those people or if it was more about an accountability aspect where they are holding you accountable for like, maybe just even holding the mirror up and saying, Hey, look what he’s doing to you and making you realize you deserve better.
Yeah, all my friends actually does that because if I’m in a store, for example, and they show me very colorful t shirt, for example, I wasn’t allowed to wear color four pounds. For example, I can say I’m not allowed to use that. And they always say that it’s yo, or Egypt or anything, they always tell me the truth.
Chris Seiter 20:08
Wow, that’s so. So he had such a hold over you that? Yeah. I mean, he sounds kind of like a really hardcore classic narcissist whose. So I think it’s really the thing anyone listening to this I think the really big lesson to take from from it is if you are dealing with an ex who’s doing these things, do not try to get them back, try to move on from that. And understand that there’s light at the end of the tunnel like Elon is basically living right now now that she’s with a new guy. It’s sort of like, I guess the highs are higher, because you’re like, oh, this it’s like to be in a in a normal relationship. Yeah.
Yeah, I was really anxious before, but now I’m secure. I don’t I’m not anxious. All I know that he will answer me or he wants to see me. I don’t need to wait for his replies. And, yeah, it’s not that hard anymore. How do you what do you think
Chris Seiter 21:09
was the biggest factor from taking you from the anxious personality to the secure personality?
I think it was AARP, looking at your videos and learn about attachment styles and reading in the group. new hobby and new friends, I think it was a lot like a mix of everything.
Chris Seiter 21:32
Okay, sort of a slow mix, you’re making slow progress steps forward. But even it even took some challenges to get you there. Because you still wanted a back for a longest time.
Yeah. It’s slowly went down. I wanted him back, like 100% or like, half a year, then it went slowly down. So you don’t detach that easily. But I think you need to meet other guys. And for example, training helps a lot. Yeah, feel strong. And that helps.
Chris Seiter 22:11
In your advice to meeting other guys do not do Tinder, do match.com.
But look out for all the red flags and be more patient.
Chris Seiter 22:24
So looking back at your whole experience, if you could just go back in time and talk to yourself, what what advice would you give yourself,
actually to be patient? And because it was really hard, but I’m more secure. Now when I’m stronger? And I like myself more now? I don’t know. I don’t know. I’m not depressed anymore and anxious. And I’m happy now. So I actually think it was a really good lesson. It was. Yeah, that’s good in some way.
Chris Seiter 23:02
Yeah, I mean, I think that’s, I think that’s the right way to look at it personally. Because a lot of times people get too hung up on this idea of oh, I wasted all my time trying to get this person back and failed. Instead, you’re saying, I took all that time and it took all that time to learn. This is how I choose a partner. I was
actually really introvert. I didn’t talk to people I was I was always home or with my ERP ex, I think social and outgoing now when I talk to everybody you’re
Chris Seiter 23:37
Yeah. Me. So I think it was a really good lesson. I think. I don’t regret it at all. And I don’t know what the future would hold if I didn’t. If I leaned or, yeah, it’s hard to know if future without him.
Chris Seiter 24:03
Yeah. Well, I mean, I think I think the future you you’ve created for yourself is pretty, pretty solid. You’ve you’ve got a new partner who’s treating you well. You do you feel like confident with yourself now? Like let’s say the new partner that didn’t work out? Do you feel like you’d be okay after that?
I’m really confident now. Okay. So it’s not a problem at all. I even told you guys about this, and He supports me. Amazing. I called him before this interview and he calmed me down and told me that it will go really well. You know, it’s
Chris Seiter 24:42
we’re talking it’s great. Do you do you have any last words for people listening?
Things I said before Be patient and actually buy the program because You need the ARP group in Facebook. It’s really good. And you need a buddy. It’s you, you really need it. It’s the best thing about your product, I think. Yeah. Yeah.
Chris Seiter 25:17
The community aspect, the accountability aspect, but the battle, buddy, you know, there’s people who are still lifelong friends because they’ve partnered up in that battle buddy program and it seems like you took it seems like we paired you with the right with the right person.
Yeah, I think that too. So I think I think everyone should buy your product. So they can Oh, thanks.
Chris Seiter 25:38
I promise guys. I’m not paying her at all say that.
The earpiece is really good and fun to actually read. Although people are not always talking about VIP access they talked about are things that well, new guys, right? You can get help with other things. Yeah,
Chris Seiter 26:03
that’s gonna mean that that’s true. I just wanted to say thank you so much for coming on and doing this, Alan.
Thank you. It was actually fun.