By Chris Seiter

Published on December 13th, 2021

I had the pleasure of interviewing one of the most interesting success stories in recent memory, Jane, who didn’t just get one ex back but two.

In her interview we talk about,

  • How she got two exes back.
  • How learning to deal with an avoidant is an important part of this process
  • When they pull back, you pull back
  • And much more.

Let’s dive in.

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Exactly How Jane Got Two Of Her Exes To Come Back

Chris Seiter 0:02
Got it. Alright, so today we’re going to be talking to another one of our success stories. Her name is Jane. And she has some of the most valuable information that you can have. She has talked to her ex boyfriend, who she is now currently with, and asked him exactly what he was thinking during the process of when she was going through our program. But I’d like to just say, I really appreciate you doing this, Jane, because your information is going to help people going through breakups.

Jane 0:31
Thank you, Chris, I appreciate the opportunity to be on here. I think it’s crazy. Cuz when I first found your program a year ago, I originally came for a different ex that I had been a very long term, almost seven year relationship with. And to kind of see where I am. Exactly, you’re later. I just can’t even it’s kind of mind blowing to be on this. It’s kind of it’s very, it’s very, it’s very cool.

Chris Seiter 0:56
Yeah, you mentioned that when we started talking, you’re just like, I can’t believe I am where I am. And the irony of the situation is literally looks like you came into our orbit around December of 2020. And is now December of 2021. And look at the year of growth you’ve had, which is which you deserve to be commended for because I can’t say how often most people will come to the program, and they won’t really see much growth at all, because they don’t put in the time and effort. But I looked through a lot of your posts in the Facebook group, you were really trying hard. You were showing updates. You were really active. So to me, it tells me you were taking it seriously. And you saw some great results for it.

Jane 1:34
Yes, I 1,000% agree with you. i It was so my original relationship I was in it was almost a seven year relationship. And we had a businesses together you know, we share a child together. And so I didn’t realize that over that period of time, I had become so codependent and kind of lost who I was my identity in that relationship. And so when that relationship ended, it literally felt like the end of the world for me. And I had a very hard time coping, I had a very hard time processing, I remember that was the first time therapy became an actual real thing. And not just a word, you know, and friends of family members were starting to talk about, you know, you need to really, really just get help. This is not healthy. It’s not okay. And in that like emotional like that heightened emotional, like kind of madness, I was like googling everything found your program was like, okay, I can do this, because I didn’t want to lose my life. I thought my life was ending. But it’s so interesting, because like you said a year later, I honestly feel like my life is just beginning in such a whole new bright way. And the program helped me achieve exactly what they came to do. It just it wasn’t what the original person I intend it for. Ultimately, I got back myself, which is what I’m really proud of. And it helped me attract a partner and get, you know, be with a partner that basically, I’m very happy with now and just very happy about what our future looks like together.

Chris Seiter 3:00
Yeah, perspective is amazing. You know, once you get that perspective, looking back, you’re like, Well, what’s interesting about your situation is you you came for the original x and you got with someone else, but in the process of getting with someone else going through the breakup with that person getting that person back. It seems to me like the original acts you came for also started trying to rekindle things as well.

Jane 3:25
Yes. And it was it’s crazy, because there was we we so we had been kind of separated all 2020 kind of something I

Chris Seiter 3:34
was sorry, I don’t mean to interrupt. You had been together with this person for seven years, which is a long time you’re sharing a child together? Was there any kind of on again, off again, component? So that was the first breakup ever? And I’m assuming he initiated it? No, I

Jane 3:50
did. I do initiate it, and March of 2020. But I don’t think either of us took it seriously. Like neither of us did. Because we

Chris Seiter 4:00
was also okay. So I want to talk about the original of the the new sort of situation. But this is fascinating. Okay, so you broke up with him? Yeah. I don’t want to hear all this. Yeah, let’s go for it. Let’s just dive into it.

Jane 4:18
So I sold me my original ex were together for almost seven years, like I said, very codependent for both of our perspectives, because we didn’t have traditional jobs. We had a business we share. And we traveled a lot for work, things like that.

Chris Seiter 4:31
Was there any talk of marriage was that just kind of at a standstill,

Jane 4:35
there was talk of marriage and I’m glad you brought that up because I see so many posts in the group about different situations and scenarios and I’ll be transparent and say that, you know, my my first my first ERP, that’s what we call them, right? ERPs my first ERP was 10 years older than I was and have been married previously. And

Chris Seiter 4:56
did I have other children with other women as well? So that’s true. What bonded you together for so long? Um,

Jane 5:03
yes, correct. So, um, he was 10 years older than me, he is nine years older than me, married twice before. So when we met, you know, I was, you know, it was just kind of like, a relationship. And obviously, we had a daughter and things like that. But um, when we were together, you know, we, you know, we’re, our personalities, our visions for what to do in life, we started a business together. So we became very codependent. And over that seven year period, we couldn’t balance out the difference between like our business selves and our personal selves. And a lot of the issues we both carried as individuals, insecurities, frustrations, ego issues, a lot of that bled into each other’s lives. And we just didn’t know how to be like the couple anymore. All we knew was how to be business partners. And it was really hard for us. And so we got to a breaking point, because we had been increasingly fighting from like, year three or seven, right? We have been increasingly fighting and very, very, very unhealthy dynamics. And it got to the point where, you know, I was just really tired, I was really frustrated, I was just so upset. And we, I just I initiated a breakup in March of 2020. And it was right before the pandemic, like I want to say, right before, I mean, three weeks before, okay, and it was a situation where, you know, because our business wasn’t doing so well, I had to go back to work. So I ended up taking a job. And my job took me five hours from my, my, my previous partner, my daughter. And so that was really interesting, because we basically spent the whole year apart, but did because, you know, the pandemic, forced to shut down on everything. So even though we were on paper, like not together, nothing about our lives change. We talked every day, we saw each other every weekend, we still were cohabitating we were still you know, sharing finances still running the business there. It was,

Chris Seiter 6:57
it was her. Alright, so you’re mentioning nothing changes. But is that in all respects? Like, are you still being intimate with each other? At this point?

Jane 7:06
No, because by this point in our relationship, we had been fighting so much we weren’t intimate

Chris Seiter 7:10
anymore. Okay. So that that have been like going on for a very long time. Got it. Okay, was it so I did read a little bit about your original situation. And you mentioned there was another woman that came into the picture. Oh, God

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Jane 7:25
develop? Oh, probably about November.

Chris Seiter 7:29
Do you’re still fake broken up? Or like, Yeah, whatever it is. So

Jane 7:35
about November of that same year. It’s our, our daughter’s birthday month as well. You know, I could tell he was acting a little bit different and funny, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. And that’s actually when I was done with my job. So I was coming home now for good. Okay. And on a sprung it on me, when we went to go celebrate our daughter’s birthday,

Chris Seiter 7:56
great timing, just great timing.

Jane 8:01
Because I decided to take my daughter to go visit some family, like my, you know, mom’s sisters, things like that. And he kind of sprung it on me when he came to visit because he went on a business trip came back and visit us. And it was really hard. And you know, there was another person in the picture. And it was so hard because, you know, I didn’t realize she was in the picture, like I knew, but he didn’t admit that to somebody else. It was just Hey, shouldn’t do this. We’ve been broken up for months. And I was like, you can’t pick and choose when you want to be broken up. When we share everything still, we shared the money, we shared responsibilities, we shared the stress, you know, we were still calling and texting each other things like honey and Babe and nicknames. And there are one or two times that, you know, he tried being intimate that I was just like, No, I cannot, you know, do this, you know, from March to November. So when you know, it was like, Okay, no, we’re good. We’re done. And we’re like, Okay, now we have to act as if we’re really not gonna be together. You had asked to bring our child out for a Thanksgiving holiday or something to his hometown, which was, you know, halfway across the state, which I was like, Yeah, take her for a week, I need to just I need space. Right? It was during that time, I found out there was another person involved and he was bringing our child around that person.

Chris Seiter 9:18
That’s always a difficult thread.

Jane 9:21
You know, I went I drove halfway across the state in the middle of the night, picked up my child came back that started off this whole barrage of just very, very unhealthy yelling, screaming, kicking, fighting just between us just terrible. And you know, that’s it kind of cemented their relationship even more because I was acting like the crazy ex that was just go all this stuff already. You know? Like, yes, the stereotype that was me. So it was during that time and it was that right after Thanksgiving, about a week or so after all this stuff had happened. I found your program. And I was like, oh, it’s only like You know, 30 bucks, whatever. I’ve been in the sales and marketing world for years now. It’s like, okay, there’s something else coming after this, this funnel, right, but let me value for, like, let me just go ahead and get it. So I was like, you know, let me do it. And I was so intrigued by the booklet in the program and what really drew me in for that, like, initial whatever I paid was the Facebook group. And I was like, see, that’s interesting there other people, I can’t keep overwhelming my sisters, I can’t keep rolling my family, they’re already not supporting me as it is already not listening to me, I feel worse about my own self and situation apart from my previous partner, because of what everyone’s saying to me. I can’t do this, like, I need an outlet. So to me, that was like the biggest draw. And so, um, you know, I dove into the program, was really reading everything over and over and over again, was watching all the YouTube videos over and over and over again, was participating in the group. You know, posting how I felt being 100% transparent, right? Because I wanted to make sure that I got the best feedback about the best advice and just seeing what other people were going through made me feel so much better. Like, like, if I’m honest, it didn’t make me feel so much of a loser. Because I felt like I felt I felt like gosh, like, like, my life is ending. But when I saw what other people were going through other men, other women, things like that, it was like man, I could really live there’s conflict. There’s a community here like I can, I can, like feel supported,

Chris Seiter 11:24
because you can have a safe space because society has certain ways they treat people who are like plenty of breakups and stuff.

Jane 11:31
Yeah, and it gave it gave me a really safe place to really vent go to focus redirect, especially because you know, during the no contact or the limit, no contact with my first partner, I failed like twice in the first month and I had to start for a third time seriously, but there were so many dynamics in it that I’m not going to focus on today but just so many crazy things he was doing that just was like making it hard to not break it but I had to really say Listen, what do I want for myself I really have to take this program seriously regardless of I want him back or not. And even though I really miss my partner at that time missile life we had I knew we could keep moving forward with everything the way it was. And it didn’t help that the other woman in the situation was just being the other woman you know, she was contacting me she was very publicly doing a lot of things on social media. I had blocked her from the beginning before because for me I didn’t want to look at things I didn’t want to go on unhealthy spiral of Facebook stalking or Instagram stalking or whatever because people do that. And I said I don’t want to compare myself to her in that way and feel bad about myself so I blocked her from beginning but she would reach out to me through different phone numbers like texts call easy

Chris Seiter 12:43
for someone to get another phone number just to harass another person is a lot more about them than oh

Jane 12:52
that’s not even love the height of it like she would do a bunch of stuff and you know, my first ex was going through some health concerns because of the stress he was feeling going between the both of us and in my eyes I was like they’re going through this perfect life you know all this stuff this this this he’s she’s already met family like he’s replacing me like I felt like I was being replaced in every way I felt like he was trying to replace me as even my own daughter’s mother. I was not a good place. Yeah, but the saving grace was the program because of the things I learned and the advice I got from more experienced members who had gone through the therapy work had done a lot of the assessments I’ve done on the self reflection it helped me see the cracks in places where maybe he didn’t want me to see that show they really weren’t in a healthy relationship themselves. And so kind of fast forward from like you know, Christmas holiday to the springtime of a me about two months later january february don’t

Chris Seiter 13:46
you had done some coaching with Anna in between here.

Jane 13:50
I did coaching with Anna I did a session with her in December because that like I said I was so anxious I remember Anna specifically told me she said you know our first coaching session. Jane, you were very manic you were very manic to the point where it was like so anxious so manic like an age like it was very turning so definitely

Chris Seiter 14:13
have that anxious attachment style. Yeah sort of tendencies and would you say your first acts had maybe avoidant tendencies

Jane 14:22
by far he was more of a dismissive

Chris Seiter 14:24
it’s essentially it’s essentially that the traditional breakup you’re expecting you know you got the anxious in the avoidant they grade on each other’s nerves. There’s a breakup then they avoided moves on to someone else thinking like, oh, well, why, why can’t I find someone but that new person is just as anxious as you are. And you know, there we go.

Jane 14:42
Yeah. No, it’s the I was it’s a classic avoidant, anxious attachment. And what’s interesting I’ll note here is I was never an anxious attachment style in most of my relationships. I was basic.

Chris Seiter 14:53
Yeah, well, so what’s interesting, and I think the biggest misconception people have about attachment styles is that it can change just because yes, grow up with maybe a secure attachment. If you get into a relationship, especially I think in a relationship like yours where you’re sharing this child, and that becomes a huge part that bonds you and kind of invest your time, you can become anxious about that and your attachment style can come to shift and maybe that’s what happened to you.

Jane 15:21
I was so anxious because I like I said, I was so codependent at some point, I failed, being independent and keeping autonomy and became so codependent and losing like the identity of who I was, I became so anxious at the father of us not being together because I didn’t know who I was. And it forced me to really examine who Jane was without this person without this partner without this man. And you between December and February, after a coaching session with Anna and really diving the program. And being in the support group, I really had to really ask myself who I was outside of my partner, who was outside of this person who was outside the role of being a mom. And that’s what I was really trying to explore. And so that’s, it’s kind of interesting, because at this point, I’m in the program, I’m done with my LNC I, or about to be done, but I’m really not even trying to text with this person.

Chris Seiter 16:17
You know, just no getting the like, you’re supposed to do that, like at the beginning of the limited no contact, but you’re just now getting the actual point of no contact, which is like yeah, figure out who I am. Yeah.

Jane 16:30
You till the very end. And so I started going on dates again, I started really pouring more more time to things I want for me. And that’s when I started going on i i went on two dates, okay. I went on two dates. The first day, it was a terrible day. And the second day is when I met my current ERP. And it’s interesting because I think at that point, I was so frustrated because I was like, I don’t you know, I’m, I know, I’m young, right? I’m 30 but um, I was like, Listen, I’ve got a child. I’m business minded. I don’t have time to waste. I went there, all this emotional bullcrap. But this person, I’m

Chris Seiter 17:10
waiting for someone to actually step up and Tim, you know, I get Yeah,

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Jane 17:15
I was like, I’m done. Like, if I’m gonna tell you what I want. Like, let’s just be transparent from beginning. And so that my second day ever went on. Not a second ever went on no third day, I apologize. Three dates, I went on three dates. During this process. My third ever went on was with my current ERP. And we just didn’t stop dating. I had never been on a second date with anyone else except him. And we just kept dating and kept go on dates and kept talking. And it’s so interesting because it was really by accident. I was not in a serious way trying to find a partner I was just trying to rebuild my confidence over feeling not love not feeling attractive. Not feeling wanted. Did

Chris Seiter 17:54
you? Did you tell him not at all? Or were you just kind of go, Okay,

Jane 17:58
I was playing it cool. I felt that way. Like I felt not desired. I felt not wanted, you know, I there were a whole lot of things that go into that. So I knew that going on dates to rebuild my confidence and to rebuild, not my sense of self esteem, but to essentially give me something to work with. As I was growing, it was super important. So on this third date with him, I have it on two dates of work, you know, to other people that just I was like, okay, waste of time. So I’m on the state with my current DRP. I sat there, and basically told them for an hour straight over dinner, who I was what I wanted, what I was looking for in a partner in the future has been what I was willing to do as a partner, it was just very direct. How did it work? So well, we in stop going on dates, okay, so he told me after the fact that I didn’t give him an edge and a room to talk. He told me after the fact he was like, you know, I was very intimidated. But you know, it’s to the point where I was like, well, she’s aggressive. Why? Let me go on a second date. Okay, so we kept on dates from there. And we started talking every day. And the more and more I talked to him, the more and more I started dating him. I was like, Well, wait a second. This is I only move too fast. But is this what a partner could be like? We have the same principles. We have the same values. We share a similar mindset to a lot of things. And I remember at this time dating him, I remember thinking to myself, I can’t remember a time with my previous ERP. I can’t remember the last time I felt we were on the same page.

Chris Seiter 19:33
Yeah, it’s a Tony perspective is an amazing thing, especially when you like, go into thinking like, Oh, this is the way it usually is. When I date people, then you get kind of a glimpse of the sunlight of what it can be like when you actually start dating someone new. And you’re like, wow, we don’t have to fight constantly. We don’t have to bicker over this stuff. It can we can be mature about this. Oh,

Jane 19:55
it was just a breath of fresh air and we just it was nice. Because I, I was nervous a little bit because I was like, you know, with someone new that you’re dating, you’re not sure. But at the same time, I never felt so comfortable. It just I felt comfortable. I felt like I didn’t have to impress him. I didn’t feel like I’m old. Like, if anything, I just kept thinking man, like he’s going to run at some point. But it wasn’t a way that I was like, because I’m not enough

Chris Seiter 20:28
to me too good to be true syndromes. Yeah. Yeah. something does happen negatively here in a minute.

Jane 20:36
It does, cuz I was being a huge, you know, while I’m going through this self growth, self draining process, I was kind of being a dummy, right? Because I was like, Man, I got to a point where it’s like, well, do I move forward completely? Or do I kind of hang on a little bit, and I kind of stayed too long in that space. Okay. And that was

Chris Seiter 20:54
decisiveness really just destroyed your sort of vibe with him? Like, yes. Like, was there ever an official talk? Like, Hey, we are officially dating, I am your boyfriend, you are my girlfriend type thing.

Jane 21:07
Yes, there was there was but it happened about a month after we started going on dates casually and talking every day and really getting to know one another. But as I’m dating someone new and really embarked on this journey with him, my first ERP is ramping up is just crazy. Reach out crazy. Like all this drama, it was drama, there was so much drama happening was the other woman at this point, a woman and, um, they’re just drama happened between them, she starts emailing me, like a couple of times, I’m sure you saw it in the group, right? Just the email she sent me were super nasty. You know, she was like, you’ll never lose enough weight to get him back. I’ll have to take care of you know, him and your daughter, because you can’t take care of yourself.

Chris Seiter 21:53
That just to me, is someone who’s incredibly insecure with their own ship to feel the need to do that. You know, it was

Jane 22:01
terrible, just terrible. Like Elna true alpha in

Chris Seiter 22:04
the world is not going to give a rat’s. You know, what about anyone else? They’re so confident with themselves. So the fact that she’s just doing that she’s projecting her own fears onto you and making sure that

Jane 22:16
she would do it after her fights with him. Like, they would fight you learn.

Chris Seiter 22:21
You learn that now? Yeah, I learned

Jane 22:22
that now. After the fact I learned it. And I would always tell them, hey, listen, Naomi, tell her don’t reach out to me. We don’t have a relationship like her. And I don’t have any kind of relationship, my business with you for this reason only. There’s no reason for us to be talking. Like that’s it. Like I have a story. And so they had a lot of drama, he had a lot of pressure for anyone who’s an OWI situation, especially if they have a if they have a child together with their ex things like that. My ex a lot of pressure behind he felt like, like X number one, he felt like he was living two lives. He was like, how do you why satisfying keep new person happy. But how do you why?

Chris Seiter 22:58
Still, you know, the mother of my child, right? Yeah, I get it.

Jane 23:02
And she she would tell him, you know, I feel like you have two girlfriends. I feel like you’re you’re keeping dual wives, she would tell him back back and tell me. And what’s interesting.

Chris Seiter 23:11
She’s in? Did he? Did he ever introduce her to your child? Yes. What’d she mean to your child?

Jane 23:19
No, she wasn’t. But she would say that, but they would do things. They would do things in front of my child that didn’t make me comfortable with it. Like when they were fighting, they would fight in front of my child. And it would be in very unhealthy ways. I can’t disclose right now publicly, but it’d be in very unhealthy ways. So we’re

Chris Seiter 23:35
sure your child who’s around the same age as my daughter is a sponge and will repeat until you everything,

Jane 23:43
everything. And so um, my ex would come tell me you know, X number one, for those of you still listening, I don’t want to be confused. But for X, number one, he’d come and tell me every time they’d fight, he’d picked fights with me, he would ask me for advice on things to do with, you know, the new woman and things like that and place. He’s all over the place. And I had at that point, basically abandoned wanting through the texting program with him and wanting to get back with him. Because number one, it was too much drama for me. I was sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I was realizing that I deserve better. And I had on you know, the other hand, a partner that was just this incredible, just wonderful man, just, we had the same principles. We have the same values, we had the same vision for our kind of future that we were looking for in a family and in a life and, you know, I was like, I don’t want to risk that future. For me, like for a past that, you know, there are moments I remember fondly, but there’s also so much tension, so much drama, there’s drama now. I was like, I just I can’t risk that. And so I may have rushed my relationship with my current boyfriend now. A lot. And it was because I was wanting to feel secure. I was wanting to feel loved. I was wanting to just be overall the drama.

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Chris Seiter 24:57
And it wasn’t I wasn’t expecting that. I was expecting you to be the opposite of like, still be a little confused about wanting the original ex back and bringing that in. But you’re saying it’s the exact opposite it was the fact that that that scar tissue from that first relationship made you so freaked out that you felt like I need to lock this down with the new guy. Us. In essence, you move too fast.

Jane 25:20
Way too fast, way too fast. And you give me like an

Chris Seiter 25:23
actual example of how you move too fast. That kind of freaked him out a little bit.

Jane 25:26
So my current boyfriend is a my current boyfriend is a isn’t what we call a fearful avoidant, that doesn’t happen in style. This is learning after the fact. Yeah. This fall for him, you know, when we were talking? There were moments he would Daydream with me and we would be talking about like a lie future kids things like that, which I now know, okay, that as an FA, they fast eyes a lot, you know, I’m back and then you know, cuz I get excited. But then they pull back very quickly, because they don’t know. Well, when my extra bro conversate or my current boyfriend, like current boyfriend? Yeah. friend would bring up those conversations. I always get excited and like buy into it as well. And we would talk and get excited. And this and

Chris Seiter 26:13
so you’re along for the ride. You’re just like, you don’t come off. You think it’s like a verbal commitment? Almost. And he comes back?

Jane 26:23
Yes. Because, you know, we’re talking about kids names, and I’m not initiating these conversations. He is, you know, we talked about, he would tell me lots of sweet things, you know, like, you know, I can’t believe like, you’re perfectly made for me. Like, I didn’t think I could ever meet someone like you. He would. He sent me pictures of engagement rings once saying, hey, what style would you like, eventually? It’s very nice all the time. And I didn’t think he was being in genuine. Just because of our background. You know,

Chris Seiter 26:53
I still don’t think he was being genuine. But like, sometimes you put it out there in this happy nostalgic reverie moment. And then you’re kind of freaked out by it. Because it’s like, yes. Like marriage is a lifelong commitment. That’s a tricky thing for a lot of people.

Jane 27:09
Well, we were just we start spending a lot of time together because we’re you know, me my Chrome boy for a long distance. We’ve been long distance from beginning. And it’s been a challenge. But you know, I wasn’t used to not because again, I was in a seven year plus relationship. I was used to seeing my partner every day, I was used to doing a business with my partner every day. I wasn’t used to being in a several plus our longest relationship, especially one where we weren’t doing the same job or business, especially when other other dynamics because my current boyfriend has a child outside of my daughter, right? So it was I must agree

Chris Seiter 27:42
mirror. He’s like the dark twin of something how crazy.

Jane 27:46
He really is. Because, you know, when we started dating, I found out that his previous relationship was also seven plus years, was also with the way is it? He has a boy, I swear

Chris Seiter 27:57
to God, it’s like the craziest mirror. Wow.

Jane 28:02
His previous partner was also older than him. Okay, so it’s very live on doors,

Chris Seiter 28:08
if the stars having a lion it so it’s like, you can’t write it any more perfect than that. Okay.

Jane 28:14
He grew up within 20 minutes of each other and not knowing it. Yeah, we met in a town that neither of us are from but had a lot of business dealings in. Me, I found out that my mom’s best friend when I was growing up was, you know, friends with a relative of his because she worked at his school. Like there was just a lot of things that were like this

Chris Seiter 28:37
guy for you. Yeah, but of course, we’re going to go through a breakup here. So let’s get to there’s two big points that we need to cover here still number 1x Number one trust to come back at some point right? And number number two is x number two is about to go through a breakup with you. So what’s the timeline of events here?

Jane 29:01
So we so I met you know my current boyfriend in January and we became like official like April. Okay,

Chris Seiter 29:14
April 2021. Yeah. of April we can officially three month courting period almost then the official thing you had you had your talk where you’re like, I want that this this this this? Yeah, yeah, that didn’t freak him out. So he kept he kept going. And all right, things are happy.

Jane 29:33
Moving, they’re happy. So during that period from January to April, because my first X was causing so much drama, the O W was causing drama, they were both doing crazy things are both reaching out. And then I also got to the point where you know, my first ex was you know, saying I’m gonna I want to reach out to your current boyfriend and you know, I want to talk to him sabotage

Chris Seiter 29:51
it or something. So you’re worried like he could say that, like I’m cheating on him or something like that.

Jane 29:57
He was I just didn’t want him being a cuz I knew my first year he was a very aggressive man, I didn’t want him just starting crazy drama and Bs for no reason. And we really scaring my current boyfriend. And it got to the point where I was just constantly telling my friend boyfriend stressed, venting what was going on this and this and this and all sort of stuff. And my current boyfriend. He’s a very mature person. He really is. And he’s very level headed. You know, he’s former military. So he likes to assess situations, he’s very patient.

Chris Seiter 30:28
So I’m not really sure your first acts of being aggressive with someone who’s like a Navy SEAL military type person is the smartest move, you know,

Jane 30:39
not and I didn’t want him to really push that envelope with my current boyfriend because my current boyfriend well, he is patient. He also has like a no bullshit tolerance, sorry, my language, but it’s all good. Like, we’re not gonna deal with this. And he told me they’re gone. I’m not dealing with trauma. So I knew that. So I was just like, Oh, I got stressed, anxious. So all the hard work I was putting in was now starting to unravel. And I felt it unraveling because it was like, now I was in the hot seat and crash, we’re going between two different things.

Chris Seiter 31:04
It is difficult in your scenario to because you shared daughter with this, this first tech so it’s not like, like with with most people, I would just say we’ll just cut them out like they’re done. You’re done with that face? You can’t really do that here. You know, so you’re constantly. There’s a thread in there.

Jane 31:20
Yes. So it was it was very, I have a very interesting ERP story. It’s very

Chris Seiter 31:26
good. So far. It’s fascinating. When people

Jane 31:29
ask for advice online about different things, oh W or long distance or this, I’m like, No, I’ve touched all of that. Yeah, good. They’re

Chris Seiter 31:35
in there.

Jane 31:37
Um, but like I was saying, it costs a lot of tension between us. I was constantly in my current boyfriend for drama. I was constantly I’m just doing little things that were immature. I have been doing a lot of growth and work, I was proud of myself. But there was still immature, insecure behaviors I was doing out of fear out of jealousy that, you know, my current boyfriend didn’t appreciate. And he shouldn’t have like, honestly, he really shouldn’t have. So I had split. So my ex, my first sex, it got to the point where my first ex was coming into town a lot because we live in different cities. So he’s coming back to the town where me and my daughter were living. And he just wasn’t making sense. There were a lot of excuses for why he was in town. And so there was one week where I had made arrangements to go see my boyfriend, my boyfriend, I went to his town to go spend a weekend with him at his house, things like that. And my first ex, I can’t remember was, but he caught a lot of drama for me. I can’t remember now, but he has a lot of drama for me that month. And my ex Mike my Chromebook was not happy. He was like, you know, this is just, you promised me that’s not going to continue like I can’t. I’m not okay with this. And he had been giving me warning statements not in like an overly, hey, I really understand this is serious. And it’s a deal breaker for me kind of way. But just comments I wasn’t taking seriously, because I kept thinking I can manage it all. I can fix it all. That’s where my mindset was.

Chris Seiter 33:08
Did you include your current boyfriend in any of Did you like, explain to him exactly why you were acting this way? Or were you just sort of shut up about that?

Jane 33:19
I will shut up about it. Because I didn’t know how to like, talk to him. But when I was going through, I didn’t know how to because he was also like, he was single for nearly three years before we met. So there was a part of me that was like, I don’t want him to think I’m not ready for this. Because what if he’s not like, what if he doesn’t where, you know, my my mindset was scarcity. I’m going to such a good man who I believe life partner. What the hell do I do? Yeah. So um, that month, my my previous ex was causing a lot of drama. I can’t remember what but he was doing things that my Chromebook wasn’t happy with. And so I we had arranged for me to spend time with him, I go down to my boyfriend’s house, you know, out of town, I drive to go see him. We spend a wonderful weekend together. You know, we’re driving through my neighborhood driving through his neighborhood, you know, sharing memories talking. And you know, really just really starting to get into, you know, we’re a couple phase. And at this point we were having such a lovely weekend. I could tell my current boyfriend was like, stressed about something but saying anything about it. And so I was like, Oh, no. And I had that sinking feeling in my stomach. And I went home, you know, things were fine. And I think my previous ex came into town again to do something and he took my, like, my vehicle to do something. And for my Chrome boyfriend. I was like the breaking straw. Yeah, it was it was for him, but he didn’t say anything he had with was sitting on it. So a couple of weeks back into town. We were talking and I don’t know what happened. I think he was not being engaged on the phone with me. And I said you know, honey, is everything okay? You know you’re not you’re quiet. And I could hear what he he said, he pulled over, he was driving, he pulled over and said, well, we might as well have this conversation. And that’s when I was like, Oh, no. And so I was being dumb. And I opened up the door to this part of the conversation and I said, Are you breaking up with me? Or do this that thought,

Chris Seiter 35:18
well, that’s a projection. That’s your biggest fear. You’re just putting it out there.

Jane 35:22
So he was like, I think I am. And so we have like a two hour meltdown on the phone wasn’t a meltdown, I say meltdown, like Oh, shading bargaining, okay. I did not I handle this very differently from the first x very differently, I was calm it was

Chris Seiter 35:39
next you are the one who broke up with with him. This is the this the opposite side of the scenario. And to me, it seems like a little bit of a, like upset worry, anger, maybe even a little bit of jealousy that you’re so close to this, this ex, which to your point, or to the point I made earlier, it’s your child. So it’s not as easy to just cut this person out. And that’s just probably just like, he can, maybe he can send some things off with you with the way you’re acting. So it just kind of culminates, you know,

Jane 36:10
in retrospect, that we’ve had conversations after the fact. So obviously, we’re together today is a

Chris Seiter 36:16
happy ending here, or the happy ending.

Jane 36:19
But he told me, he said, You know, I cannot be with someone who’s not 100% in? Because if she’s not, if you’re not 100%, in how can I be 100%? And that’s not fair to either of us.

Chris Seiter 36:29
Also, you had that big talk where you were just like, Yeah, this, this, this, this, and maybe your actions are backing that up, and he’s maybe going back to that,

Jane 36:38
correct. And, you know, he was because when we broke up, he told me, you know, I go by behavior, and not by just words, I’m very, I have to see things and, you know, what I’m seeing I don’t like there are things I don’t agree with, like fundamentally anymore, that I cannot give you 100% Because it’s no longer healthy. And for me, I didn’t understand that at the time. And then he came up with new, he said a lot of things, you know, he was like, you know, I don’t know, if I would wanna introduce you to my mom and my son, you know, I don’t know if I can be the same person for you and for your daughter that I am for, you know, my son, you know, I don’t know where I am career wise. You know, I don’t even know if I want more kids in the future. So all this stuff that was just kind of throwing me off because I was like, you know, not even a couple days before, things seemed super happy. So I was very thrown off. But it’s because I wasn’t seeing everything that was like the all the little cracks and started to kind of build up because I was choosing to only see a lot of happy things. So we broke up, I immediately I didn’t want to no contact right away. I was like, you know, maybe this is not a final decision. So over the next couple of days, you know, I didn’t reach out to him, he reached out to me. But when it was clicked, we were broken up, I would immediately went to no contact. And he reached out to me, probably like maybe four or five times during the first first two weeks that week before I went to no contact and that first full week of no contact. And I wasn’t responding because I was in no contact. And he called me one night like 11pm late at night didn’t answer a couple days later, he texts me I have a great day financer a couple days after that, he deleted me off of social media, like took me off the book took me off Instagram,

Chris Seiter 38:16
typical anger response, you know, she’s not responding me, I’m gonna show her Delete.

Jane 38:22
I was so heartbroken. I was so just, oh my gosh, like, I cannot believe this. And so I was like, grieving a second time. And I was like, What the hell is really wrong with you, Jane? Like, come on?

Chris Seiter 38:35
Like, oh, man, it’s the men. So

Jane 38:39
I really took this no context seriously, even more seriously, because I was like, You know what, this is?

Chris Seiter 38:45
actually real. No contact this time. Yeah. Sort of limited. No context is a little bit flawed in the fact different words. Yeah, yeah. You know,

Jane 38:52
I feel no contact. I had a really new growth. I went through and reread and started reading actually reading the books that Anna had prescribed to me from months before that I should have started reading for months before

Chris Seiter 39:03
because it would have saved me a lot of emotional storm probably was there.

Jane 39:07
It was for me attached was a big one wired for love was a big. I’ve never split the difference was a big one. So it was like the best. Listen, I was like, you know, I really want to take this seriously and master this crap. Because, you know, I don’t know if we’re getting back together. I don’t know what I’m doing in the future. I don’t want to do this crap. Again. I just I’m tired of

Chris Seiter 39:25
this. And so at some point, the first ex does he has he tried to come back yet or is that still to come?

Jane 39:33
So I started dating my now boyfriend in April. We broke up a few weeks later. Official.

Chris Seiter 39:40
Three weeks later volatile issues at the first boyfriend coming in and sort of stagnating or polluting the relationship?

Jane 39:49
Yeah, it’s exactly what happened. And then you know, when we broke up, obviously my first ex found out about it. And my first was

Chris Seiter 39:57
there to be the crying shoulder to right he’s probably telling To be the hero,

Jane 40:01
he was and he broke up with his girlfriend. Same time. They’re about the same time because she found out that he had cheated on her. With whom? Other women, my first ex was sleeping around. He was, you know, doing?

Chris Seiter 40:18
Had he been doing that in your relationship now? Oh, can you say that definitively though? Yes. Okay. So he must have been really unhappy with this other woman.

Jane 40:30
Happy, very unhappy, and they broke up, because they use cheat on her. And so then it was a weird time where he was trying to reconnect with me he start having conversations, like, what if we get back together? And I was like, Dude, I’m just in the space where I need me. I need time to heal. She’s still in your life, because you basically replaced me in our business with her. And now you work with her every day. So it’s messy in all kinds of areas.

Chris Seiter 40:57
Still the case right now?

Jane 40:58
It is that is so let me continue

Chris Seiter 41:02
to go one heck of a story. Jane.

Jane 41:05
We should go back and re record and break this up into two stories.

Chris Seiter 41:08
No, no, no, no, this is all good. This is all good. So

Jane 41:11
I’m, I’m really going through my no contact. You know, my first ex was trying to rekindle with me I’m like, Nope, no, thank you don’t talk to me, like I’m straight. Him and his girlfriend breakup because he’s cheating on her and all that crap is happening. I find out so much about that time period between me and my first ex, when we were broken up and the situation about his perspective, because when we were talking a little bit more, I knew I didn’t want to be with him. But after they broke up, then he started getting a lot of things. Okay. So just for anyone listening, if you have an opening your story, and you see weird social media behavior and a bunch of other stuff happening, it’s all real. It really is. And the best advice I’ve ever gotten the group was pretending Oh, W or other man doesn’t exist. And so I did. But that made her so mad. And so she would go into his account, Facebook stalk me, she would delete me off his social media several times a day blocked me several times a day. Then when he would read follow me and add me it’s because he was upset that she was doing all of that. Hello, hello. Hello.

Chris Seiter 42:12
I’m still here. No, I can still hear you. It says I can still hear you. Oh. Well, we’re having a little bit of technical difficulties with Jane, but we will come back here.

Jane 42:32
Hello. I can’t hear you. I’m sorry.

Chris Seiter 42:37
I don’t know what happened there. That was so weird. I was here. I was talking. I was like, what happened? I was like, just going on this rant about like, oh, man,

I’m sorry that you went through that with the other woman? Just like typical super insecure behavior. And then we just sort of cut off but we’re still recording luckily. So let’s just keep the train going.

Jane 42:58
Yeah, is this sound okay, for me? Sounds perfect. Yeah. So I think for

Chris Seiter 43:03
anyone listening, just consider this like the intermission between the song

Jane 43:08
we have to have one. So like I was saying, um, I found so much about my first exes perspective and things he was feeling going through things in that situation. But you know, again, I did not want him. I truly felt like, you know, I need to be on my own, find out more about me really, really understand and fix my issues. So at this point, I’m like, okay, there is something wrong with me. Nonsense. I’m not like a good partner. But there were insecurities. There were unhealthy things I was holding on to that was reflecting on my relationships, obviously, at this point. So I was like, let me attract, like an attack that stuff first. So I did and I really started doing that. And I went on dates again. Just to just, like, have something to do to again start rebuilding confidence. Right? And, you know, I went on, I went on like 12 dates over like a nine day period.

Chris Seiter 44:06
It was a multiple day to day.

Jane 44:09
i Yes. And I never went on the second date again. It was all one time.

Chris Seiter 44:14
Okay, just like but I was for you. Yeah,

Jane 44:17
I was just like, you know, do I even know how to date do I know how to go out there and or am I just fixating on

Chris Seiter 44:23
guys? I just feel for the guy on the date. They think they have a chance. There’s just no chance in the world.

Jane 44:30
It’s just like, Man, I can’t Yeah, it was I remember I went on one date with one guy and he was like, man, you’re perfect. And I was like, nope, bye. Like I literally just said I can’t do that. I said I’m not perfect. And I said that disturbs me you think that and I cut the day off short. I think it was very Yeah.

Chris Seiter 44:48
Okay. That’s pretty ug move right there.

Jane 44:53
I was trying to be ug so I said during this no contact time with my with my current boyfriend. I truly drive to New Delhi. into the self work, more therapy. I did a coaching. I said, you know, I’ll do a coaching session with Anna maybe towards a no contact. Why? Because I don’t need a drink no contact or you know what I know the game at this point like, you know, let me grow, give him his space, right? Don’t say, you know, don’t Facebook stalk on social media stock like really just be cool. So I was anxious though, because that was the root of my issue. I’m an anxious attachment. I was very anxious and you know, I was like, you know, what if he doesn’t want to reconcile what if I really blew my chances? You know, we were only together for like four months really only official for a few weeks really? Like, shoot? What if you really, you know, have to accept the fact that you lost a really good one Jane like, well, what then? So after my no contact was ended, I did 30 days, I met with Anna. And you know, we talked about it explained my dynamics and what happened and sure you knew what happened to my first relationship I came to the program for so she understood where my current boyfriend was coming from. And she’s like, Listen, if you’ve addressed all those concerns that he had, really on, it’s on him at this point, she’s gonna do the self work, and address his insecurities and understand why he felt the need to not communicate or what he made him feel uncomfortable. Now this points down on you. And so you want to reach out, reach out and then go from there. So I did beautiful texting phase, it was almost textbook.

Chris Seiter 46:23
All the texts, they were really Yes. I report back and forth.

Jane 46:28
Well, because we always have a dynamic like and that was when we start texting. I remember when I sent my first text out thinking oh, God, what happens isn’t, you know, reply, because I never went through texting phase of the first one. Like, what if like, this is new to me, this part was new to

Chris Seiter 46:40
me. Oh, this is fun. Yeah. Okay. So

Jane 46:44
it was very new to me. So I remember being very nervous. And I put my phone down. I didn’t want to look at it. Right. And I saw my messages. And he tripled texted me for my first message, and even threw in do you need to call me or do you want to text about it? Because I was asking for advice on something. And so I asked him a question, you know, put my phone down. When did things they texted back right away and said, Wow, after a whole month of not talking? That’s the first thing you say and ask me for not even a how are you? Like he was petty? He was real felt

Chris Seiter 47:17
real. So contact that does that be

Jane 47:20
so salty, but he sent me like a three page essay on what I needed to know. And then you know, good luck, right? He said, Good. He said, Good luck Junebug. Okay. And that was the name a nickname for me. He is my nickname, but he gave me so at that point. I was like, okay, even though you’re kind of petty and salty right now. You’re using a very intimate nickname. That’s good. So that made me feel more relieved. So the next six weeks of texting were hard because I was basically reintroducing myself into his life. He was being reintroduced to mine. And it was so familiar yet not. It was like, I know you I have intimacy with you, but we don’t. And so it was it was like this little dance. And it was it was hard. It was hard being patient cuz I’m an impatient person. It was hard because I was anxious. But I was like, No, I can really pull myself away from here. And I’ll admit, still, I’ll still admit this point, I had not completely done a lot of the work I still needed so much more time to really become so much more secure. Because I was still very, very anxious. And so after texting phase, you know, we kind of we met up, we had a date that he asked me out on and we we called up and he the entire time I felt nervous. I felt very flirty, like I couldn’t stop smiling. I was looking away I was being very coy. You know, I was like cool. And you know, he held my hand everywhere. Like he made excuses attach the small of my back he made the excuse, you know, they kind of walk with me ARM and ARM places. You know, he pulled my glasses off my face, you know where it was clean my glasses for me. You know, kind of like this great. Yeah, like, you know, just this thing’s you know, long hugs. Just I could tell. Okay, there’s still something here. But I’m not sure because it’s not the same and that’s what I feel like I was looking for. I was looking for something to tell me Okay, things are okay between us like this is going in a good direction. Because it’s, you know, we’re intimate again, but it wasn’t the case. Like I had remembered like we’re broken up. And so we went on 111 date, you know, I’m still kind of texting. We go on a second date shortly after that. And that was fine. The second date was more obvious. You know, we were eating together we were sitting next to each other now catching up. You know, we have this thing between us. I know my friends. You know, my friends are like, like they roll their eyes at us. But we when we eat together we

Chris Seiter 49:56
Yes. So say that last quarter. again.

Jane 50:00
So we’re saying the same booths are sitting next to each other now because I can date for six crosslinker on the first date, but my, my friends would make fun of us from when we first dated, because we’re the type of people we’re, we’re we’re a couple where we’ll give each other advice of each other, too. I know, I roll

Chris Seiter 50:18
my eyes, just like in the COVID era, you’re willing to do. Okay. All right, you know, that was a so no, no, it’s I mean, it’s kind of cute. But at the same time, you know, it’s sort of I get it, I get both perspectives. Yes, I get both perspectives. So for our purposes, this is a very good sign.

Jane 50:37
Correct. So on the second day, it was a very good sign because we were willingly like sharing bytes of goodwill, never doing that. Catching up, like a little bit of future talking a little bit of flirting. And then after that, I had to go out of town because I had, you know, a sick family member. So we start talking about money. Last

Chris Seiter 50:55
question here. Yeah, this is the second day you’ve been on Correct. Credit. Yes. Was there any attempt to kiss? No, no, neither day. So just sort of like you’re still trying to feel that out a little bit. Yes.

Jane 51:08
Okay. Yes, but the increase in small physical touches, and yeah,

Chris Seiter 51:12
yeah, he’s working up his confidence. He doesn’t want to overstep, I think,

Jane 51:17
yes. And then, um, you know, after like, literally the same day after that date, I had to go out of town, because I have a sick family members. So we started talking every day now. We had close the gap. Now, it’s, we’re talking every day, you know, mind you before our first before our first date, we had worked up, you know, to a phone call. You know, we went in a couple of dates, we worked up, you know, do face times, we and when we were FaceTiming, he was obviously flirting. So after the first after the dates, he was obviously 40 Now on FaceTime, and being like sexual and things like that, but it was like, it wasn’t unwelcome. But it was also like very blatant to the point where it was like, You were never like this. And when we first dated, what’s up?

Chris Seiter 51:59
Okay. That’s an interesting twist. So,

Jane 52:03
no, it was, yeah, like, it got to the point where it was like, we went for it sexually. But it was like not it was not gross. It was not indecent. But it also wasn’t like, normal between us. It was just odd.

Chris Seiter 52:20
So this is like a new element that’s getting added to the dynamic. That was not there the first time. But I would say you didn’t date very long for the first time.

Jane 52:30
Yeah. So it? I guess that’s maybe what came into play? I don’t know. So

Chris Seiter 52:37
was it a welcome when it was happening the second time for you to

Jane 52:42
welcome. It wasn’t unwelcome. It just threw me off. It blew me off because that wasn’t his character. He’s a very he’s, it’s not his character, I would say. I think I get it. Yeah. I felt like I knew his character to at this point, even though we hadn’t talked for 30 days. But that was just like, This is not you like what are you? Why are you doing this? I couldn’t figure it out. What’s going on? So I had to go to town for a sick family member. We started talking every day, we’re FaceTiming. We’re calling. But now the energy level at this point, change, something shifted. And I could feel he was kind of withdrawing and pulling away. So although we kept a routine of talking every day, FaceTiming everyday calling every day we started getting to the point where it was the good mornings everyday like he would text me good morning, every night day. Good night, every night. Yeah, so we’re slowly working our way towards Okay, we’re gonna start dating again. Really, really well. It’s going really well. But emotionally, he pulls back. Okay. He pulls back.

Chris Seiter 53:39
So, generally speaking in situations like this, we tell our clients, when they pull back, you pull back a little bit. Did you follow that advice?

Jane 53:47
I didn’t because he was because even though he was emotionally pulled back, he was still texting every day.

Chris Seiter 53:52
I get that. So I was hired on hold for you. So

Jane 53:56
we, you know, we just kept that routine. And then when he did start doing small pullbacks, I started, you know, respecting it, then he’d come back after two or three days, we’d be fine.

Chris Seiter 54:05
And then you didn’t do it that you? Little bit.

Jane 54:09
So around this time, we had a conversation where I was like, Hey, listen. I like where we are. He’s like, Yeah, like where we are, you know? And he made a comment. So so it’s around this time that he he said, you know, we might we’ll have this conversation. So he says, I’d again, like okay, what conversations

Chris Seiter 54:29
did you pull over on the road again? I saw this conversation. He was crazy.

Jane 54:37
And he was like, you know, I like where we are. And I like what we’re rebuilding a friendship, which was the foundation of how we first met. You know, I think that obviously, you know, we would have had beautiful children. We would have had a great relationship. Like you said start saying things like that and I was like, okay, cool. Yeah, I like where we are too. There’s no rush. There’s no let’s just you know, That’s kind of where he left it. So he’s still pulling back emotionally, but we’re still texting every day. We’re still calling every day we’re still FaceTiming every day, essentially becoming best friends. And this is the part where you’re gonna want to know this part now because it this is this. You want to know. So, um, you know, this is we go through no cons. So we break up. We my No Contact is all of me. Right? All of May, June, we start texting. You know, mid July is when we start doing work. We’ve worked up to phone calls and FaceTime and having a first

Chris Seiter 55:36
long texting phase to get to that point. Yeah. very methodical, though.

Jane 55:41
Yes. And then I’m also because we’re a long distance, it was like, I couldn’t be helped. Like, there was just

Chris Seiter 55:48
Yeah, I guess. Yeah. This communicate.

Jane 55:51
You know, by this point, you know, we have that initial conversation. Hey, we like where we are. Right? I thought was so interesting that he was like, Yeah, we would have beautiful, we would have had beautiful children, you know,

Chris Seiter 56:01
you tense type thing like we would have.

Jane 56:06
So we just left it alone. And this happens, like, you know, August, and we’re becoming best friends at this point. You know, we’re establishing a best friend type, you know, um, August, September. We are still talking text every day, but he’s pulling back more frequently now. And it’s becoming more strange. And I feel it. And you know, this when he starts doing three, three days of disappearing four days of timber, yes. Okay. Then October rolls around, and he does a huge pullback. He So October rolls around in October at this point, I’m getting impatient. And I’m just

Chris Seiter 56:43
like, a long time to wait around for like a commitment. You know.

Jane 56:47
So in October, you know, kids were doing everything a couple would kind of do. But we’re stopping short of being a couple and saying recovery.

Chris Seiter 56:56
So intimately Have you become intimate at this point?

Jane 56:59
Um, no. Because Because so so texting was all of you know, June into July 1 dates, you know, calls he facetimes was in mid July, into August and August, September, we’re becoming really best friends. So around September, he starts pulling back emotionally even more, and he comes up with a naughty jar.

Chris Seiter 57:21
Okay. Okay, so but, like, kissed know, how often are you seeing each other in person though?

Jane 57:29
We only had to date in

Chris Seiter 57:32
much time to build. And I’m wondering if that played a role. That’s why I keep asking.

Jane 57:37
I’ll, I’ll tell you what you said. Cuz I asked him. So I’ll tell you. So September, September, we’re becoming best friends. You know, but of course, October rolls around. And at this point, it’s like, come on. We are talking every day. We’re we’re calling every day. We are being intimate in a an emotional way.

Chris Seiter 57:56
Yeah. Which is, which can be just as big for a lot of,

Jane 58:00
we’re now we’re now in this phase where we’re no longer just friends. You cannot say we’re just friends. You can’t say that. Yeah. So I have a conversation with him. And I just tell them straight up. And we I forgot we were doing that conversation. I watched his favorite movie because his favorite movies notebook. And yes, it is favorite movie is the notebook? It is. Okay, Chris, I know I was it’s a very interesting story we have here. So there was no book, I finally watch it. Because in all my 30 years, I’ve never seen it. Right. I was never part of the craze or watched it. And so we talked about it like a couple days later. Because, um, you know, we still shared the HBO Max accounts. So he saw that I watched it

Chris Seiter 58:45
to max. Oh, yeah.

Jane 58:47
So we, uh, we had a conversation about it. And I just told him straight up. I was like, you know, I just, I missed you. And I hadn’t told him this the entire time. At this point. Now, I said, I miss you. The first time I’ve ever like shared feelings. Yes. And I and he said, Oh, I missed you, too. I said, Okay. So we’re talking, talking, talking, and I say, You know what? I just I’m gonna tell you, he was like, Oh, you’re gonna make it weird, aren’t you? Please don’t make it weird. I go too late. I’m gonna make it weird. And I said, you know, I love you. And I miss you. And you know, I don’t expect anything. And you know, we’re not rushing things, but I want you to know that if I’m very quiet, there the phone? Yes. Very good. Bye. And he was just like, just quiet. And so I was like, No, you’re just like, you’re just waiting. Waiting. So I said, I was trying to ask clarifying questions. I was like, Hey, how are you feeling? You know, um, do you need a little bit of space? Do you want a little more permanent space? Either one is fine. With me either one is fine. I’m asking you a little bit of space a couple days or a lot of space. And either one is fine. Like what? So this point I can tell he’s just shut down. Like I don’t know what to do as the avoidant. So I told him, I said, Hey, listen, I said, you know, have a great day, you know, do what you’re doing. I’ll leave you know, I’ll let you go. I’ll text you later to make sure we’re both Okay, let’s check in. But we’re good. Like, let’s just move forward. So later on I text him like normal as promised, He responded. It was kind of he was kind of in but kind of like okay think you’re so weird. And it was this weird thing where, you know, we talked again every couple of days and he did a you know, he did a really large pullback. He had like a like a four day pullback, five day pullback, and he had never done this at this point. So he comes back, we pretend like everything’s normal. Don’t talk about where he went or why we didn’t talk. And then you know, we’re just talking, catching up, and I’m still frustrated. I’m still annoyed. So we have another conversation and that and I forgot what prompted this conversation. But I was like, listen, oh, he talked about his feelings. He opened up for the first time and start talking to his feelings. And he said, you know, the way I feel about emotions, our emotions are like little secret shirts, like the ones you find in a deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, dark ocean, you know, the ones that aren’t like pretty in the light, but they do perfectly fine way deep down in the ocean. I said, Yeah, like Finding Nemo. He goes, Yeah, those. He was like, those are my emotions. You know, if they come out, I don’t really want to look at them. But they’re, you know, they’re down there weighed you down there. They’re fine where they are. Okay. He’s He’s basically explaining being a fearful avoidant. And so I could recognize that. And so I kind of, because he opened the door to it, but I just started talking to him, and somehow comes up about a feelings for each other. And I said, you can’t tell me that. You know, I’m just a friend. And he was like, but you are. So you can’t tell me that. He goes, Well, I care about you. I said, I know you do. We care about one another. But feelings will either grow or they’ll die. And he said, We’ll do your feelings for your siblings ever die. And I said, Please, you’re not telling me right now that you love me like a sibling. He was like, Well, I love you like family. And because you’re like my best friend, and that’s friends or family. So they’re. And I said, Yes. But you and I both agreed that we wanted a best friend and a partner. So am I that best friend that’s in a partnership? Or are you just trying to tell me I’m just a friend. And he was like, you know, you’re different. I said how? So? He goes, Why keep things separate? For a reason? I you know, ex lovers or ex lovers, ex boyfriends, or ex girlfriends. Friends are just friends. They across the boundaries. So who am I? And you couldn’t tell me he literally was like, Well, I don’t know. You’re an exception. And I was trying to tell him, I said, No, you do know. You just can’t you don’t want to say it. So it was very funny. And he just couldn’t tell me and then he was like, you know, I think you’re amazing. I can’t talk to anybody else. Can we talk to you? Nobody else gets it. Do do I want to you know, do I love talking to you? Yeah. Do I want to talk to you every day? No, I’m okay. Do I miss you? Yeah. Do I you know, Philly, the, you know, tell you I miss you all the time. Yeah. And I was just like, Okay, that’s cool. But you’re still not answering like the issue at hand through political response. Yeah. So we just let it go. We just let it go. You know, we talk every here and there over a few weeks period, like every couple days or so. And then he hasn’t really been pulled back. He disappears on me for 10 days. Time, dance a long time. It’s almost a week, 10 days. And I’m just like, at this point. Now I’m posting in the group because I hadn’t posted the group in a bit because, you know, we we’re slowly working our way towards things. And I post the group and I’m like, Guys, what is this? Like? WTF?

Chris Seiter 1:03:43
It’s pretty common, fearful avoidant behavior, especially after kind of a deep conversation. And conversation.

Jane 1:03:51
Yeah. But I had never seen that kind of behavior from him or

Chris Seiter 1:03:55
that. It’s harder than no contact. It was

Jane 1:03:59
just, it was hard. And forgive me, I my, my charge is going to die. So I’m charging. I’m plugging in. Hopefully, the sound is okay. But, you know, I just did not know to do. I didn’t know what to say. Can you still hear me? Okay? I can’t Yeah. Okay. So I just, I just didn’t know what the heck, what the heck, I just didn’t know what the heck, I’m posting in the group. And there was another success story in the group. And that posted and I was like, you know, let me go back and read through her stuff. I remember reading through but let me read through it again. And so I did I think around this time, her podcast came out because she had to do hers is

Chris Seiter 1:04:39
was it the forget her name? It was a fearful avoidant one. Right where she’s talking

Jane 1:04:45
about Terry. Yes, yeah. Yep.

Chris Seiter 1:04:49
Then I get to interview but like he pulled over and then broke up with her on the side of the road, which actually is very similar to kind of what you’re but she was actually in the car and the that really awkward ride home. Yeah.

Jane 1:05:06
So during this 10 Day pullback, fortuitously, you released her interview, and so I’m going back through her post and then reading your interview with her and I’m like,

Chris Seiter 1:05:17
Huh? We battle buddies with her. Cuz I feel like she was talking, she was talking about one of her friends in the group. That was like really close to getting your ex back. But pull back. I’m wondering if it was you, like off air when we

Jane 1:05:30
It wasn’t me. It was really connecting with her until after you posted the end. Okay, got it. It was. So it was someone else. But I just thought was so crazy that you had posted your interview with her during this big pullback I had never experienced. So it made me go back to her posts in the group. And I was seeing a lot of commonalities now. And I was like, seriously, like, oh, Army really? Yes. So the compartmentalization was there. Yeah. So. So

Chris Seiter 1:06:02
thing is very Yes. And like the statement of like, I keep X’s X’s and things like that. Yeah.

Jane 1:06:09
He told me all the statements in the beginning, you know, I never take X’s back, you know, things like that.

Chris Seiter 1:06:14
Oh, that’s, you know, so yeah.

Jane 1:06:17
So we. So it’s a big pullback. It’s like 10 days, I’m getting anxious again. And I’m like, you know, I can’t keep doing this. And so I booked an appointment with Anna. And I’m like, listen, let’s just talk this out. We talked it out. And she brought up some very good points that I Did Not See From His perspective. And so I said, let me go back to what I know. Let me reread wired for love. Let me reread attach, let me go back. Because you know what, I’m getting impatient. Again, I’m doing this thing where I’m focusing on me, again, I’m focusing on how I feel I’m focusing on like being impatient for me, but I’m not really seeing what he might be feeling or what might be causing him to kind of pull back from his perspective, or you don’t have to agree or understand. But I need to recognize that how he’s feeling is valid. And there’s a reason for why he’s feeling the way he does. And at this point, I’m like, okay, he’s gonna come back. He did, he came back after 10 days. And we’re just talking, you know, whatever, every couple days, and I’m really pulled back, I’m really mirroring him in a true sense now that he had. And I remember really thinking about it. And I was like, do I just get to the point now where I move on, if he doesn’t come back? Yeah. And something was telling me we were going to be together. But I was like, you know, I’ve done this before. Maybe it’s my insecurities talking like, I need to be really prepared if we don’t. And so I really started letting go. I really started thinking, you know, honestly, I did, like I was, I just need to be prepared for not being with this person that I do love, they do think is a great fit for me. But at this point, if he can address some of these FA tendencies, like I had to ask myself, Do I really want to be in a relationship with someone that does pullbacks like this, then pretend like everything’s okay? And not the dress, the reason why we didn’t talk for three days, or 10 days or the cases. And for Tilak, everything is normal. And I didn’t want that. And I was like, you know, I don’t think I’m going to be okay with that. Like, I can’t thrive in a relationship like that. If I’m doing the self growth for me to be healthy for that partner, I need the partner to do the same thing for me. So I

Chris Seiter 1:08:31
am assuming you started to see results after this point.

Jane 1:08:35
So I’m letting go. We’re talking sparsely like not like before, not like how we were connecting over the summer, you know, just whatever. And we’re talking like, every couple days, just he calls me one day. And he’s like, Hey, what are you doing? And I’m like, I’m at the office, like, what’s up? He’s like, what your plan today? And I was like, okay, like, I’m this, you know, what’s up? I might be stranded. Oh, are you in town? He was like, Yeah, you know, my truck broke down. Now, mind you. Okay. That’s a lot. He asked. He asked me the same week to meet him for lunch. So I was expecting him to to meet him earlier in the week for us to get a lunch date. And then he kept rescheduling. And I was fine with it. I was like, no big deal. Whatever. Like at this point, I’m trying to let go. It’s fine. So then the day he’s coming through town, he wasn’t supposed to have time to meet because he had to go back home to go do something. So he’s driving through my town. His truck breaks down.

Chris Seiter 1:09:43
Oh, so it really did. I thought it just made it really?

Jane 1:09:46
No, it really broke down. It really truly broke down. And it was so interesting because we were supposed to have lunch on Tuesday, but he postponed it to Thursday. Then he said you know um, you know I can’t you know we’ll have to wait till next week. You So Thursday rolls around, and it really breaks down. Okay, so Well, you know, he’s like, Hey, do you mind giving me a ride to a, you know, bus date, you know, whatever. And I’m like, I’ll just come get you. It’s fine. This day, Chris, I don’t even know how to explain this. I never curl my hair. I never like, like, do anything to look bossed up. But this day, in particular, for whatever reason, I just woke up and was feeling myself, curled my hair for the first time in over a year. Got myself like, put together with a new makeup look, I hadn’t tried before, like, looks really good. And then didn’t, you know, did a couple of really good things at the office. So I got the phone call. I’m like, you’ve got to be kidding me.

Chris Seiter 1:10:45
Though the store still line some days, you know, it just happened to one

Jane 1:10:50
in a line. And I looked really good. I looked really good. So I go pick him up. Right? And he’s like, Hey, thank you so much. You don’t have to do this. You know, it looks like it’s gonna be ready for a week, I started to get back to my hometown a couple hours away. I’m like, okay, while we were up something to eat. I’m kind of hungry, yummy lunch date. Anyway, let’s, let’s get something to eat. And we’ll figure it out. And so we grab lunch, I’ve got to pick up my daughter at this point. Because, you know, it was just a very random day. She also hadn’t seen him in months. She was so excited to see him. He was excited to see her. You know, we all have lunch together. And that’s when he starts talking weird. I’m sorry. There’s a really long interview. But it’s

Chris Seiter 1:11:28
no, no, it’s fascinating. It’s really good.

Jane 1:11:30
So we’re at lunch, he still is not saying anything. So by the way, I pick him up right from his from the dealership where the truck got towed to. And he gets in the car. Or we we get out, we give you a very long hug. And he can’t stop smiling. And he’s like, You look really good. So we get in the car, I’m driving, and he grabs my right hand. Because it was sitting on the on this, the stick shift. And he grabs my hand. And I’m thinking, you know, like for a split second. I’m like, What are you doing? And he’s looking at my nails. Like, he’s just like looking at my nails. And I’m like, I was like, you’re about to hold my hand. He played it off. He was like, No, your nails, your nails look really good. Like, they look good. I just want to see them. Like when we go pick up my daughter, we go have lunch, you know, she wants to sit next to him, which is fine, because they there was not long before. And he’s just saying little things that are now making me think what’s about to happen. So he was joking with her. And he was like, you know, mommy might get jealous, you know, all this stuff like, hey, we’ll do this, we’ll do that. And you only get your basket. But like all these things, and I’m like a lot. Like Where’s this coming from? So at lunch we’re talking about we’re going to do his truck’s not gonna be ready. So he lives three hours away. So we talked about it. We didn’t couldn’t find a bus ticket. The flights were super expensive. I was like, hey, you know what, I could just drive you down there no big deal. I’ll come back. So he’s like, really, you shouldn’t have to do that all the stuff, you know, we’re fine. Um, He’s increasing his physical touch. We’re still feeding each other, you know, at lunch, giving her the bites of food. Future talking a little bit about things we want to do like little plants. And then when we’re walking out of the restaurant, he comes up behind me and he sneaks his arm around the back of my waist. like kind of like kind of, you know, just trying to

Chris Seiter 1:13:24
Yeah, kind of Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So high school. You know, you’re just like, oh, wow, I got a girl next to me.

Jane 1:13:32
Very much. So very much so and then we’re outside with, with with my daughter, and we’re each holding her hand. We’re having a good time. You know, we drop her off at home. I get changed. We had on our road trip. And we’re just having a great time. At this point. I’m not nervous. I’m just like, you know, just enjoy each other’s company. My best friend is here. Essentially, we’re joking around all the stuff. You know, we go to a bikinis, you know, buches is I do so yeah. But yeah. It’s great. Right? bikinis? Yeah. So we stopped there. And you know, when you go to buches, you have to stop for a little bit to shop around.

Chris Seiter 1:14:08
Yeah, usually when I was going to buches it’s always to get something so I don’t fall asleep on the drive back home, you know, Gatorade or something like that.

Jane 1:14:19
So we’re shopping around we’re having a good time. You know, all this stuff. He’s pointing out little home decor stuff. Like there’s no tension there’s no awkwardness, there’s no weirdness, it feels like like at the height of our relationship at this point. And we’re talking about home decor home stuff, you know, what do you think about this? So what do you think about this in the house? We like he asked me questions like that and I’m like, okay, okay, let me just play along a little bit of everything like so he’s insisting on beating me giving me snacks, whatever, and we’re checking out and the guy asked, you know, How was everything and he’s like, Oh, he he made a weird. He made a weird dad joke. He was like, Oh, haha, everything was great. You know, except this one back here turned out You know, empty my wallet. Haha, like, you know one of those okay? Yeah, yeah. Oh, I was just like okay finger so weird. So we’re, we were driving to where we’re supposed to go and I have to reach in the back of a car to grab something from the back seat so I’m buckle my mic cuz he’s driving my car, because you know, I’m not gonna drive like you’re gonna drive us right? So I go to the backseat, I reached back to get something that that I need or he needed. And when I do that he kind of flops my blood a little bit. And I’m just like, this is a very so I’m like, Okay, you cannot tell me.

Chris Seiter 1:15:35
We’re just friends just read,

Jane 1:15:37
just read. Like we’re let’s have this conversation. So we make it all the way to his house we pulling like around 11pm. And, you know, we talked in the car that I was going to stay the night and honestly the next day at like 6am or something no big deal. I hadn’t arrangements for my daughter, it was fine. So I asked him I said, Hey, do you can I sleep in? So and so’s room? His son’s room because his son wasn’t home that weekend. So I was like, Can I sleep in his room? More The couch is ready in the living room. So I can sit in the living room? And he was like, oh, no, I thought we were sleeping the same bed. And I was like, literally with the same baggy. Same bed. And he was like, No. So why would you think that? He was like, Oh, if you want to sleep in the same bed, it’s fine. I’ll sleep. I’ll sleep. I’ll sleep in his room. You can sleep in my room. I was like, Okay, fine. We get to the house. It’s late, we want to go to bed. He gives me a change of clothes. He’s like, Hey, be comfortable, whatever. So you know, whenever I go climbing to bed, you know, he comes into and I’m just like, Fine, like, let’s just go to bed like I just want I’m tired. I need to leave early. So he takes a shower. He comes into bed. And he’s like, you know, Hey, would you mind if I held you? And I was like, I just rolled my eyes at him. And I was like, okay, yeah, fine. You know, he’s watching TV while he’s falling asleep. I’m already half asleep at this point. And he starts kissing my forehead. And so I open my eyes and I say, What are you doing? And what was that for? He was like nothing. He goes, just thank you. And throughout the car drive, he had been saying things like, Thank you. You’re amazing. You’re doing this, like I really appreciate you. So he was repeating some of that language. I was like, Great, I’m falling asleep. I really am falling asleep. So then he said, Hey, I said what? And he’s like, open your eyes, open my eyes. He kissed me. And so we start kissing. And I stopped him. And I literally stopped him and said, as much as I’m enjoying this. I don’t want there to be any gray areas between us. I want to be on the same page. And I want to be clear, because I care too much about me. And you got to do I get a credit. I didn’t come up with that she she posted on somebody else’s post months.

Chris Seiter 1:17:48
Yeah, it was a good move. Yeah, trust me. So yeah, I’ve seen the other end of the situation where that doesn’t happen. And one thing leads to another and then you’re not in a relationship. You were literally friends with benefits.

Jane 1:18:01
Yes, that’s what I did not want. And he looked at me. And he said, um, he said, we’re on the same page. So that’s kissing me again. So I stopped again.

Chris Seiter 1:18:14
Yeah. And I said, Fine. What you mean? But I said no.

Jane 1:18:17
I said, I need you to hear me. I do not want to be friends with benefits. And he looked at me and said, We’re not friends with benefits and he starts kissing me again.

Chris Seiter 1:18:27
You have it’s like, it’s like that rare situation where you can get him to agree to anything. You know, you stop. I

Jane 1:18:41
did you know, I stopped. I’m telling you. That’s

Chris Seiter 1:18:44
what you got to do. And my wife does that to me all the time. That’s what I’m most pliable. You know what? I’m not my brain so to speak.

Jane 1:18:51
Yeah, I stopped him. I said, No. Let me be clear. I am not going to be friends with benefits with you. If we’re going to do this, we’re on the same page. Right? I don’t need a title be together. But we’re taking it like I need to know that we’re together or at least committed because you know, I’m not going to do this with just anyone and I know you don’t either. He said we’re on the same page. We’re not friends of benefits. I said that’s all I want to know. So that we have an intimate night. That’s great. You know, just gloss over that. Yeah, it was great. Yeah. Dreadful. Yeah. No, really. That’s literally what happened the next morning, you know, we’re in the beginning, I left. But at that point, it was like, No, we’re together. Like that was the understanding. And so over the next couple days, I didn’t really say anything yet anybody because I was like, I really want to make sure for sure. I didn’t make the biggest. No, we we are together. We’re it’s completely different dynamic. I mean, when I say the height of our relationship, it’s the height of our relationship. He’s calling me honey again. You know, we’re future talking. It’s the same but also different in such a good way, where I don’t feel there’s any pull backs or hesitation or emotional withdrawal or, or anything. And it took a couple of days to really get into the full 100% of it after that night. But we, we walked we basically walked into and it was like, it’s like we’ve never been apart. And so we saw each other again, a couple days later for the night again. And we were just catching up talking. And, you know, I asked him some questions. I was like, you know, we need to be clear about this now. Because we, you know, we had an intimate out again, and I remember we were just kind of be like, we were together laying in bed together. And I was just talking to him. And I was like, hey, you know, I really need to know. You know, you and I told him I said, You made moving on looks so easy. You know, you I had no clue where this came from, you know, I’m no indication I said, I kind of want to know, you know, did you ever think we were going to get back together? I just point asked him. And he looked at me and he was like, you know, who said I moved on? He goes for me, it’s only ever been you. And I was like, What? Are you serious? Pretty good. He was like it for me. It’s only ever been you. He goes just because it looked like I was moving on doesn’t mean I did. And just because, you know, we weren’t friends on social media doesn’t mean that, that, you know, I wasn’t constantly tempted to find out or know what you were doing. He goes, it drove me crazy. But he goes, I’m a principled person, I didn’t want to do that to myself and start looking you up and you know, stalking you. He goes, I made a choice. And I had to live by it. And that was a consequence of the choice I made. So now he’s coming into key was basically following the decision to break up with me. Because if he went back on it, what would that say about him? Yeah, pride, cried. And he said that he goes, You and I both have cried. And he said, You know, I’ve missed you. Of course, I’ve always loved you. Of course, I It’s only ever been you for me. And he said, You know, I did think we would get back together, I had a feeling that we’d find our way back to one another. You know, but I think we needed this break. And this time for things to really, like settle between us unit time for a year the situation to kind of like calm down, I needed time to really think really think about what I wanted. And we need we needed this, this this kind of this break. And it just happened naturally. I didn’t think it was gonna happen like this. I didn’t like you know, I just, you know, me, I take my time with things like it just it just happened. And that’s where we are Jane. And so we talked more, and he was like, you know, even though I deleted you off on social media, it’s because I didn’t it was painful to watch you go on with life when I was also hurt. And so for me, it was like, wow, we were both hurt in different ways. But just because we can see, it didn’t mean that we weren’t hurting. We both were. And he was like, you know, I he goes at your picture. So to say my phone. Obviously we talk all the time. He was like that wasn’t gonna change. You know, we just we need more time. And so I started asking more specific questions. And I you’re gonna think this is funny. I told him I said, so he addressed again, this is maybe the fourth time he had brought up the fact that when we talk for a month, the first thing I did was ask him a question and not Hey, how are you? He’s still six months later upset about it.

He rings up all the time. And I was like, Hey, you have to understand, I wasn’t sure how you would react. You know, you hadn’t reached out to me anymore? Because of course I didn’t. You didn’t answer me for a whole week? Like, why would I reach out to you after that you needed space? Like I didn’t know how you’re gonna feel if I reached out to you. But besides the point you’ve made decision to reach out to me the least you could have done was asked how I was it’s like you didn’t care how I was feeling. You’re just like, you know, give me the advice or whatever. He’s curious. He’s still he still brings it up.

Chris Seiter 1:24:02
My take on it is we look at the results. Does

Jane 1:24:07
it work? And so we are we are so I asked him you’ll think was very interesting. Because we had talked about 10 day stretch. And he brought it up. He brought up that big 10 Day pullback he brought up

Chris Seiter 1:24:20
after you had like the the I Love You sort of Yeah. Yeah. And also the anxious like, I feel like something that was like a moment where you’re anxious tendencies sort of just bubbled to the surface, and you kind of wait with like, I miss you. I love you. And then he kind of disappears for 10 days, he appears.

Jane 1:24:38
So he brought it up. He brought up and he was kind of like being petty with me because he’s kind of like that. He’s a little salty sometimes. I forgot what I said. He goes, Oh, he goes well, you didn’t text her call me for like 10 days. So he was paying attention to how many days to just Yeah, yeah. So I was like, What do you mean? I said you were overworked. That was one of the time you finally called me. Honey, you literally were working 24 hour shifts. So you were busy. I was giving you space like you were tired. He was like you so called called or texted. I was so soft.

Chris Seiter 1:25:13
He’s playing a game.

Jane 1:25:15
I said, first of all, I said, Well, hold on, honey, let me be clear with you on this. I said, So you want me to call you or text you to know that I’m there. But you also don’t want to feel the obligation to reply, if you don’t have the energy to reply, like you want me to engage and reach out to you. And you will engage or reach out when you want to, but won’t if you don’t have enough energy, but still know that we are okay. He’s like, Yeah, it’s perfect. You understand?

Chris Seiter 1:25:44
That’s pretty funny. It reminds me of stuff I used to do when I was like really insecure about, like how someone felt about me. And I would be like accompanying a test and see like, if they reach out to me, that really means they care. But the fact that you did it probably puts them off. So

Jane 1:26:00
he I called him out on it. Because I was like, that’s an FAA tendency. You want to know I’m here for you. And then I’m we’re good. But the same time, you don’t want to feel the obligation to respond. If you don’t want to, you want to feel like you want to talk to me, but you only feel obligated to talk to me, you just want reciprocation. That’s it. He told, he told me he was like, hey, if I send this to say at once, I don’t feel the need to say it again. If I tell you, I love you, I say it once I’m feeling sad again. And I’m just like, okay, like, whatever. Yeah, whatever he’s on, I’m like, listen, that’s some of your past traumas. We’re all good. Like, you know, I know, it’s how you grew up, it’s fine, we’re good. We’re on same page, he, he really is a wonderful man, he really is. But um, you know, I just called him out on it. And the thing that stood out the most after we got back together, was, you know, his feelings for me didn’t change. But he was going through his own journey. He wanted me to reach out to him because he didn’t want to look dumb or stupid reaching out to me, and also didn’t know how I was gonna react. He was gonna call it didn’t know how to get back together without rushing it. Because what we did the first time, he also didn’t know if the main issue why we broke up, had been resolved at this point. And that was a big issue for him. And then he really had to go through his own journey where he had to understand his principles and values for what he was willing to do and be okay with in a relationship and how he did grow. So that was pretty much when we talked about we got back together, like the summary of everything. And then even more so like, the more we talk about it, and the more we open up and the thing about things that we talked about now. He’s a completely different person. Now he’s 100% in like, this is it we’re in? Like, we’re good to go.

Chris Seiter 1:27:44
Got it. So I should expect the ring on your finger in the next year, right?

Jane 1:27:48
Yes. Yes.

Chris Seiter 1:27:50
So you’ve talked about that? We talked about it? Yes. That’s a good sign. Come back. We’ll do another interview your engagement.

Jane 1:28:01
Yeah, I’m excited. No, we’re in a very good space, I’m actually going to see him he called me randomly. I just saw him like, two days ago, and he called me randomly last night was like, Hey, I’m gonna come in town this weekend. Let’s go do this, this, this and this. I’m like, Okay, perfect. Ladies, just be secure be in the previous relationship. It felt like I was kind of dragging him along. In this relationship. I’m just sitting still. And he comes in just like, he comes to me now.

Chris Seiter 1:28:30
That’s a good dynamic. To me. I think we’ll end here in a minute. But to me, I think what I hear your situation, I think the undervalued aspect of it is sort of an internal battle. And he’s happened with himself. You said something to me, that was that was really interesting, which was he kind of like to keep things separate, you know, like an x always needs to be an x. So having that internal battle of what he wants, versus like, what he thinks he needs is sort of like he wants you. But that is also an admission that he can’t keep things compartmentalized, and I think maybe he’s the type of person that like, once things aren’t compartmentalized anymore. Don’t all like his whole life will maybe go out of whack. And it’s not that case at all. I think that’s an avoidant type coping mechanism.

Jane 1:29:18
No, you’re 100% Correct. And it’s interesting and I’ll say this, my second coaching session with Anna, where I really was like, be okay, if you don’t get back together, like you really need to be okay with this. We talked about and I told Dan, I just can’t figure this out. So we really talked and delved into a little bit more, and she 100% called it out. By the way, small plug. If you haven’t done coaching, whoever is listening to this right now, please sign up for coaching with with Chris, or Anna or Tyler or any of our other amazing coaches because they will literally put a perspective on it outside of your own. You need to be forced to see, right you have to get out of your own way sometimes to get the help you really need. And

Chris Seiter 1:29:57
that fact is Most people don’t want to look at your unique individual, I think because you were willing, you wanted to do work. Yeah, I think most people kind of go into coaching expecting us to do work for them. And it’s as simple as showing you like, this is what you need to do. And if you don’t do it, you’re not going to get a great result. I mean, it’s like a cause Oh, yeah, relationship, you are unique in the fact that you wanted to do the work. And that is a huge plus.

Jane 1:30:30
Yes, thank you. I, I feel like when I was doing coaching for this relationship, me doing the work made the difference. I feel like in the first relationship, they came to ERP for I was expecting things to magically just happen and wait for it to happen. But this one, I was like, No, I gotta work for this for me first. So Anna had called it out completely. In our second coaching session, she said, Listen, you have to understand for someone as principled as he is with his character, if he goes back, on breaking up with you and all this near together again, then that means that the promise he made to himself is no longer good. And if if he’s someone who’s very principled than someone who your word is your bond, then who is he to himself? Yeah. And she was like, I think he’s really having an internal battle on knowing that he wants you but also want to you means he’s wrong, like he has to accept the human mistake.

Chris Seiter 1:31:23
Yeah. And it’s kind of like a fundamental belief, because if you like, look at it that way, he has his fundamental belief that this is who he is. And if if he has to kind of go back on that belief, he has to almost like, in to to hit using his own words, he likes to keep those sea urchin emotions way down there. And if he has that fundamental change, he has those surface, those come to the surface, and he has to deal with that he doesn’t want to. I don’t blame him. It’s hard to deal with those raw emotions. But you win. So it is all good.

Jane 1:31:56
Yeah. So we’re, we’re together again, and I just, I’m sorry, oh, we took him a lot of time. But I feel like it was important to know some of that beginning. One of

Chris Seiter 1:32:05
the best interviews because, you know, before he served, Korea was like, alright, should we talk about the first breakup, but I feel like they are kind of united in a way, because they really like the issues of the first relationship lead into the breakup of the second relationship. And yes, you didn’t do anything wrong. I think that’s important, though. Like, it was the other woman and the situation and how volatile that first relationship was, that’s for lead the state of mind you were in caused friction and yet second relationship. It’s not your fault. But going back, when you look at it with perspective, do you feel like you could have done something better? Like to tie the break? Yes. Like, what do you think you could have done?

Jane 1:32:51
Honestly, I could have honored the boundaries. I knew I needed to set but I didn’t want to,

Chris Seiter 1:32:58
what do you like? Can you give me like an example of a real life application?

Jane 1:33:02
So for example, a lot of the reason why we’re so much drama, bleeding into my relationship with my current boyfriend in the beginning from the previous relationship is because I allowed it to happen.

Chris Seiter 1:33:13
So meaning car, sharing the car, like

Jane 1:33:15
the car, right? Yeah, sharing the car, things like when the other one would email me. Like, I allowed that door to be open for two. And I don’t want to call them bad people, because I don’t believe people are bad. But for those two people in my current life that are not healthy for me in my life, I allowed them to be presidents it presences in my life when I didn’t need them to be meaning like, Why did I feel the need, if I was so excited about this new relationship a new was a good thing for me why I have the door open still to this one. It shouldn’t have been that way. It should have been very, if it’s going to be transactional for things for our daughter, keep it transactional, but then we shouldn’t be talking. We shouldn’t be sharing things we shouldn’t be like, let that be it.

Chris Seiter 1:33:59
And I can see where it puts your current boyfriend in a very difficult position because it’s always sticky with how you’re going to handle it when there’s children involved. And like you have to interact in those transactional situations with your ex. And it’s like your current boyfriend. It’s bugging him. And he’s telling you it’s bugging him. But he also doesn’t want to be that guy that that says like, you have to make this more transactional. You can’t be more personal with this. You can’t let that because it makes him seem insecure. He doesn’t want to seem that way. And then yeah, it just it just continues to fester.

Jane 1:34:36
So for me it was I will truly say I need to set proper boundaries. I need to keep them in force. Like honestly, Elon sees the best thing for me and that person the situation. But I The second thing, mostly was I really need to spend more time on me. So I really need to spend more time on who Jane is. Spend more time on you know, what does James Want to do not? If I do this will so and so look at it this way, if I do this, how will so and so react? And I think the earlier if I had just done this sooner, and really just started being like, let me let go of this expectation I have, right? And I’ve come to adopt this mindset, I’ve come to adopt the mindset that I’m happy if things happen, but I don’t regret if they don’t. And I’m really choosing to live by that. And so Anna had posted in the group a couple days ago, and she was like, What are two things I’ve helped you be more secure ug during this process this year, and I was like, well, the two things for me is, you know, number one, whenever I feel my mind, going in an anxious way that’s going to produce negative feelings about my situation, I literally will say out loud repetitively I choose happiness for me today. And I move on. And I will keep saying it until I forced myself to stop feeling like my emotions are bubbling out of control. So I can recenter myself. And the second thing is anytime I felt overly anxious about my own situation, I spent time pouring into other people. So I would call an ERP friend and say, Hey, how’s life going? Let me tell me more about what’s going on, let me pour into you or I talked to a business associate, or I would, you know, go into the group and try and give advice or you know, kind of emotionally poor in a positive way to somebody else, because maybe I was feeling low about myself, because I needed to recognize that I was creating negative emotions for no reason.

Chris Seiter 1:36:27
Yeah, it’s also kind of a way of manufacturing some positive momentum by helping someone else having to be grateful for that you can kind of get a win on the board, and it’s kind of easy thing to do is you’re just helping others. And then you can kind of build up, you know, sort of, like, hit that positive emotion or momentum back into your own life. I had actually never looked at it that way. I’m definitely gonna start telling people to do that. Plus, people get their minds off their own situations.

Jane 1:36:57
It did so because then I started realizing my situation wasn’t so bad. And I started calming down about things happening between me my current boyfriend, because I was like, Oh, this person’s going through this and reporting to you. Let me you know, make you feel, you know, safe and comforted and hurt. And then in a way, it made me feel hurt. Because I it’s like, I don’t want to explain it but it’s like, I truly feel sometimes my own anxiousness or my own kind of negative emotions that start to spiral out. They’re not real in a sense of there’s no reason for them to be exasperated. There’s no reason for them to be like, to the max effect, but it’s like some mind. Yeah, if I don’t handle it, handle it from a logical perspective, like I’m going to let it go that way. And so by me taking the time to pour into other people regardless who was ERP or the people in my life it put things in perspective again for me that hey, things are okay. So all the time I tell people, Hey, listen, I choose happiness for me today. And all the time. Like in my head, I keep saying things like, you know, I’m happy if it happens, I don’t regret it if it doesn’t, and I’m truly truly like believing it.

Chris Seiter 1:38:05
This is one of my favorite interviews ever. As you can tell from the time I just I just wanted to keep going because it was a great story. No, you’re good. You’re good.

Jane 1:38:16
Thank you for having me. I appreciate this is very it was a very interesting story to tell. It was great.

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