Today we’re going to talk about the major signs that your ex boyfriend still is not over you. Luckily, I’ve been doing this a long time and we’ve had multiple success stories come through our door so we’ve been able to pick up on the major patterns that exes exhibit when they are still in love with you.
In all, I’d like to talk about the “core” signs of which there are six,
- Their time investment post breakup matches the relationship time investment
- They begin future pacing
- The texting ratio favors you
- They exhibit jealousy when you start dating other people
- The nudge principle is in effect
- They skip the value ladder and start sharing feelings
Now, I would consider some of these signs to be “advanced” so if you’re skimming through the list and thinking, “I have no idea what the heck any of these mean,” that’s ok.
That’s what the rest of this article is for.
Sign #1: Their Time Investment Post Breakup Matches The Relationship Time Investment
I wrote an article yesterday where I argued that time is our most precious commodity in life. That once it’s spent it’s the one thing we can never get back. Paying attention to how your ex spends their time after the breakup is actually pretty important.
One of the interesting insights we’ve learned is that it’s generally considered favorable if after a breakup your ex boyfriend starts matching their time investment pre breakup.
Let’s imagine for a moment that before the breakup your ex boyfriend spent a total of 20 hours a week texting, calling and going on dates with you. However, after the breakup that time investment drops to almost nothing.
But ever so slightly as time creeps forward there’s an increase in his investment into you.
Zero hours a week creeps up to five.
Five to ten.
Ten to twenty.
Pretty soon things are back to what they were when the two of you were dating. We have found that this is an extremely favorable outcome and is definitely a sign your ex is not over you.
Sign #2: They Begin Future Pacing (And Back It Up)
Future pacing is a concept I came up with around the beginning of when I started this website.
The way it works is simple,
You and your ex are having a conversation and they make a comment or statement about something the two of you will do in the future.
Usually it’ll look something like this,
Your ex boyfriend and you will be talking and you’ll be going back and forth on some of the places you want to visit before you die.
- New Zealand
The list goes on and on. At some point during the conversation your ex will make mention of the fact that you guys will go visit those places together. This is a perfect example of “future pacing.”
Of course, this is also an extreme example. Rarely is “future pacing” so cut and dry. Generally the comments are smaller and more nuanced and comments alone aren’t all you’re technically looking for.
I had the pleasure of interviewing a success story yesterday, a woman named CJ, who had a super unique situation. Essentially she broke up with her ex and came into our orbit wanting him back. However, somewhere along the way her ex husband came back into the picture and sort of used a primitive form of the being there method,
Slowly but surely she started to realize that her ex husband wanted her back. It all clicked for her when he started future pacing date and then actually inviting her on those dates.
She ended up rekindling things with him and perhaps the most ironic part of this is that it’s only after she took her ex husband back that the other ex actively started pursuing her.
Sign #3: The Texting Ratio Favors You
In a perfect world there would be a balanced texting ratio when it comes to contacting your ex.
That means for every one text you send your ex would send one back. In the Ex Recovery Program I had a designer put together a handy little graphic that perfectly sums up my thoughts on texting ratio and what it means.
Basically there are three types of texting ratios.
- 0 – 1+ (usually not good)
- 1 – 1 (good)
- 1+ – 1 (excellent)
Now, the general rule of thumb is that if you are texting your ex more than they are texting you that means you are investing more into the conversation than they are. On the other hand, if they are texting you more than you are texting them then that means they are investing more in the conversation.
Do you see how everything always seems to come back to investment?
Sign #4: They Exhibit Jealousy When You Start Dating Other People
After spending years studying many different breakups and what ends up working to reconnect people I came away with three big takeaways,
- You need to outgrow your ex (authentically)
- You need to find something you care about more than your ex that gives you fulfillment
- You need to begin going on dates with other people
Generally speaking those three things are enough to create the perfect cocktail for success. Yet consistently I find our clients falter when trying to manufacture them. Of course, it can be argued that the easiest thing out of that list to implement is you simply going on dates with other people.
We know from our research on commitment that there are really six tenets to keep an eye out for,
- Fear of Loss
What I find really fascinating about that list is that literally four of the six can be hit on by dating someone else or at least going on a date with someone else.
- Alternatives – because you’re on a date with someone new
- Fear of Loss – what if I lose her forever to this new person?
- Urgency – I might need to commit to her as soon as possible or I’ll lose my chance
- Scarcity – She might be off the market soon and there’s no one else like her
All that from simply going on a date.
Of course, if your ex grows jealous then it’s usually because a confluence of these four factors are affecting his decision making. In the end it’s all about raising your value and one thing we know about valuable women is that they don’t stay on the free agent market for very long.
Sign #5: The Nudge Principle Is In Effect
I can’t claim credit for “the nudge principle” our very own Coach Anna is the one who mentioned it on an interview I did with her a few years ago,
Here’s how it works,
The Nudge Principle: When a dumper entertains the idea that they may potentially be thinking of reconnecting with you they’ll send subtle tests your way to see how you’ll react. They’re looking for a sign that indicates you want them back.
These subtle tests usually include,
- Small flirtations
- Future pacing
- Seeing how you react to bringing up your past relationship
The important thing to remember here is that the nudge principle is born from a fear of rejection. No one wants to initiate a conversation with their ex only to get rejected. Instead it’s safer to deploy these little tests to see if a favorable outcome is on the horizon.
Sign #6: They Skip The Value Ladder And Start Sharing Feelings
I hammer everyone over the head with this what seems like every day but the core game plan of ex boyfriend recovery is wrapped up in the idea of the value ladder,
Very specifically you are slowly engaging in different mediums and types of conversation in an effort to build value so that you become more attractive to a partner that previously rejected you.
Yet sometimes while you are being incredibly methodical about climbing this ladder and checking off every box your ex jumps the value ladder and starts sharing feelings and it almost always looks the same way,
I do want to see you. I don’t want to pursue a relationship with anybody else but you. I really do want to go on more dates with you.
This was a real screenshot taken from one of our members in our facebook group after her ex basically started sharing his real feelings with her. Now, some exes won’t be this direct about it. Some exes will simply say,
- I miss you
- You look beautiful today
- Do you remember when (insert emotional memory)
These kind of things are little “nudge tests” meant to see how you respond to it but if your ex is consistently the one to lead with feelings I consider it to be a good sign.
One little fly in the ointment though that I feel is important to mention. In this video,
I argue pretty clearly that exes who have avoidant natures will go through this period of nostalgic reverie when they feel like you’ve moved on from them. They get a bit of the phantom ex syndrome. You need to be careful that whatever feelings they are sharing with you aren’t a function of that and are a bit more authentic.
How do you tell.
Like always you’re looking for concrete actions they can take to match their words. Let’s use the screenshot from our facebook group as an example of this. That ex boyfriend basically said he only wanted to go on dates with the girl, right?
Well, did he?
That would be the action he could take to back up what he said.
Saying nice things.
It’s all well and good. Probably amazing if your love language falls under words of affirmation. Nevertheless, we are looking for concrete actions. You should too.