By Chris Seiter

Published on May 9th, 2023

Today I will give you a complete breakdown of how you should meet up with your ex in the post-breakup period.

I know… I know… You’re probably sitting there (or standing there) thinking,

“What should I do?” or “What will happen when I see them?”

Meeting up with an ex is always nerve-wracking. Still, it’s crucial to have a plan to properly prepare for the situation.

This plan, in particular,

  • Make Sure You’ve Prepared The Right Way
  • Understand Our Three Date Principle
  • Have The Ground Rules Memorized For How To Act During The Meetup
  • Grasp The Ground Rules For Exactly What To Say During The Meetup?

Without further ado, let’s get started!

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

How To Prepare For Meeting Up With An Ex

You might think you’re ready to meet up with your ex, but it’s best to take some time and properly prepare.

According to Chris Seiter, the founder of Ex-Boyfriend Recovery,

Those who skip the value ladder do poorly with the meetup phase.

To better understand the Value Ladder take a look at this graphic,

It’s composed of the four methods of communication that you can use when communicating with your ex.

  1. Text Message-Based Communication – Any communication sent via Text, iMessage, WhatsApp, Instant Messaging
  2. Phone Call-Based Communication – Any conversation you have via a Phone, Video Chat, or Zoom session.
  3. In-Person Meetup-Based Communication – We move into the “personal communication phase. Meetups aren’t considered dates. They aren’t regarded as romantic but as meeting up in person.
  4. In-Person Romantic-Based Communication – This is another type of in-person communication. Still, it’s a date where romance is assumed.

Read this for a more complete breakdown of the value ladder:

So, how does this affect meeting up with an ex?

Understanding the value ladder allows us to justify whether or not the meetup is warranted or if an alternative method of communication is more appropriate.

In other words, ask yourself, “Have I done the necessary prep work in the value ladder to have a successful meetup?”

You’ll know you are ready to meet up with an ex when you have sufficiently built value in the texting and phone call phases.

Meeting up is a logical next step if you have already been talking and feel comfortable with the person on the phone.

Understand Our Three-Date Principle:

Maybe you’re thinking, “I should just go for it!”

You know, the whole zero to sixty approach. I’ll get my ex back immediately; ask for them back right out of the gate.

But it’s actually more complicated than that.

Going too fast, too soon is the death of success.

A few years ago, Chris wrote an article about some of “The Biggest Mistakes Women Make When Trying To Get An Ex Back.”

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

Care to guess what number 17 on that list was?

Yep, you got it; expecting results way too fast.

That’s why we recommend you adhere to the Three Date Principle. Think of it as “bumpers” to help prevent you from following off the highway.

So, what is this three-date rule?

Well, in our program, we explain it like this:

Think of it like a little mini value ladder but one that’s only applied to the dating phase.

There are three parts to it,

  1. Meetups: This planned face-to-face interaction holds no implied romantic undertones. We often refer to this as the “Friend Vibe Date,” basically just keeping things casual until the attraction is rebuilt. It needs to be more meaningful than an everyday activity but not so meaningful that it crosses the line into a date.
  2. Medium Date: Or standard Date is a planned one on one get-together that can be classified as “romantic” but is unclear enough that your ex doesn’t know your true intentions. Dates like this are public around other people; they give you something external to focus on. The level of intimacy is lower than the Romantic Date.
  3. Romantic Date: On the other hand, a romantic date is also a planned one on one get together, except it is clear that it is meant to be Romantic, either by one or both of you clearly stating that it is a Date. The level of intimacy is definitely higher than the Medium Dates.

For example, a meetup can be going for a walk/hike or meeting up for a cup of coffee.

Medium dates can include things like a picnic in the park or a day trip to the beach.

Romantic dates include fancy dinners, a picnic for two at sunset, or anything more intimate and romantic.

How To Act When You Meet Up With An Ex

So before you go out and meet up with your ex, it’s important to remember that there are specific rules you need to abide by.

Below I’ve listed out the crucial suggestions to follow if you want a successful meetup with your ex:

Basic Body Language Rules:

  1. Remember to smile with your eyes: When someone smiles at you, it is natural to smile back. This causes their body to produce endorphins. Their brain registers that you are the source of the good feelings, encouraging them to prolong the interaction. You don’t even have to actually smile. You can do this with your eyes by lifting the apples of your cheeks to create tiny wrinkles at the corners, like a slight squint. To make it look real, think of something that makes you smile
  2. Tilt your head: Keeping your head straight up and down as you talk to someone is a sign that you are trying to assert dominance. Try to tilt your head slightly to the side every once in a while during a conversation. But don’t invert it so much that it becomes obvious you’re doing this. The keyword to remember here is “slightly.”
  3. Lean Forward And Lower Your Voice: By slightly lowering your voice and leaning forward, the person that you are talking to will naturally lean toward to to listen. This creates a feeling of intimacy and helps establish a bond even where one has been severed.


Hugging doesn’t HAVE to be awkward. If you walk toward your Ex with your arms outstretched for a hug when you arrive, you can immediately get it out of the way. In my experience, this rarely gets turned down.

The Short Hug

The short hug is quick and painless. You don’t try to extend it. It’s a simple hug and release. This is the hug you start a Date with.

The Long Hug

The long hug does have meaning behind it and IS-held for at least 10- 30 seconds. So, there are better times to use it than the beginning of the Date. It will freak him out. Long hugs are only good for an emotional moment where he initiates the hug or the end of a really great Date.

The Side Hug

The side hug is basically like putting up a wall. It’s an excellent way to put the brakes on and slow things down. But most guys will take that as a sign that you aren’t romantically interested. So, use the side hug carefully.


Before you think of doing this, remember that you are not required to kiss your Ex on a date. At least if he initiates it, you do know that he is receptive to the idea of getting physical.

But kissing your Ex could give him the idea that you are down for sex.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

Some exes aren’t quite “kiss ready” yet. And if you go for it before they’re ready, you could ruin your chances. Here’s how you can know if they’re ready.

  • They initiate a lot of physical contact during the Dates.
  • They hold on longer during a hug.
  • They can’t take their eyes off of you. Specifically, if their eyes drift to your mouth a lot.

Considering that they aren’t ready yet, if you want your ex to kiss you, you must take it slow and make him feel comfortable.

Start with a flirtatious smile and do little things that draw attention to your mouth.

If they are feeling the moment, then they are much more likely to react in kind.

Behaviors To Avoid

If you want to have your meetups be more comfortable or if you wish to have your current Date followed by more dates, then these things are the big things to avoid:

  1. Getting into arguments: Try to avoid all the things that can cause an argument – especially things that have caused arguments in the past. Remember the goal is to make them excited at the thought of spending more time with you. Arguing does not do that.
  2. Talking about your previous relationship or breakup: Talking about a failed Relationship tends to bum people out. A key piece to getting your Ex back is making sure that your Ex enjoys your interactions. Leave these topics behind and talk about new and exciting things.
  3. Letting the Date drag on for too long: The main goal of going on Dates is to land a… Next Date. Let’s say you go on a Date, and it’s run its course. You reach a high point where you should end the Date and make plans to “do this again.” Instead of ending the Date like the Zeigarnik Effect lays out, you continue on.

What To Say To An Ex When Meeting Up?

I will let Chris Seiter take over for a bit here. When I asked him exactly what someone should say when meeting up with an ex here was his response,

The more I give someone an exact script of what to say on a date, the more something goes wonky, and the script gets messed up. We’ve had better success when we tell our clients to focus on having a good time. Let the conversation unfold organically.

It’s like a dance; figure out the other person’s moves and then improvise. The main goal is to find something in your commonalities that you can talk about.

In an article written by Janey Davies, B.A., in the Learning Mind, she argues;

“When we communicate, we use three factors:

  • Words (what we actually say) account for 7%
  • The tone of our voice (how we say it) accounts for 38%
  • Body language accounts for 55%.”

If you are avid reader of this site then this shouldn’t be anything new to you,


It’s one of the big reasons we believe the value ladder concept works so well.

Most people focus only on the words, but there’s a big argument to be made that it’s not the words that matter so much, but instead how we say them and how we look when we say them.


In conclusion, meeting up with an ex is a complex process. It’s different from going on a first or a blind date since your ex already knows you, making things more complicated.

As you prepare to meet up with your ex, consider these crucial steps:

  1. Properly prepare for the meeting
  2. Understand the Three Date Principle before meeting face-to-face
  3. Know how to act when meeting up with an ex
  4. Learn what to say when you meet up

Evaluate whether it’s worth the effort to pursue your ex. Take the risk if you believe a renewed relationship could be better this time.

Remember, these steps are guidelines; the outcome of your meeting ultimately depends on you. Stay focused and plan carefully, setting realistic expectations and understanding yourself as you navigate meeting up with your ex.

What to Read Next

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.