Breaking up with someone is extremely difficult but it’s not the actual breakup that is the worst part. No, I’m betting that it’s what happens after the breakup where things get tough.
Often that’s where I’ll have clients saying things like,
I miss my ex so much…
I need to get him back….
Help me, I’ll do anything!
I’ve long theorized that most of the breakup decisions occur inside the head. So, it makes sense that, that is where the most difficult part of the breakup occurs.
It’s those thoughts that follow you around that never let up that make you miss your ex.
Where you are simply walking around and everything reminds you of them.
Oh my god, (insert song) came on the radio. That was our song.
Look at that car, that was my exes car.
Look at that color, that was their color.
Ok, maybe that last one was a stretch.
Here’s my point.
You are struggling right now that’s probably why you felt the need to come online and search around for a way to stop the pain you are feeling.
I’ve been there.
So, here is my promise to you.
I am going to teach you what you need to do to NOT miss your ex as much while at the same time creating a situation where they will be drawn to you again.
Let’s get started!
I Miss My Ex So Much, How Can I Get Them Back?
Making your ex miss you is easier than you think.
Sounds cliche, right?
But it really is.
In fact, I’ve found a way for you to do that in four simple steps,
- Understand the changes your body is going through
- Utilize A No Contact Rule
- Rework The Internal Conversation Going On In Their Head
- Make Use Of A Trojan Horse
Now, I am going to go out on a limb here and say you have no clue what I am talking about with these four steps, right?
Well, no worries because I am going to help you through this process step by step.
1. Understand The Changes Your Body Is Going Through
This is such an odd place to start an article on getting an ex back, right?
Well, I don’t know who originally said it but,
Knowledge is power
And I think it’s going to be important for you to become knowledgable about what your body is going through right now so we can adapt.
When I started this article I talked about how for some people going through a breakup can be difficult because everything is a constant reminder of their ex.
It’s been well recorded that going through a breakup is kind of like going through a withdrawal period.
In fact, scientists have done studies where they hooked the brain up onto an MRI machine and asked people questions who had just recently gone through a breakup and they found that the part of the brain that lights up is the same exact part that lights up in cocaine addicts going through withdrawal (source.)
In essence, your body is craving your ex and there is seemingly nothing you can do about it.
Hence, this is why you miss your ex so much.
The Problem With Missing Your Ex So Much
Lets pretend we have two individuals trying to win their ex back.
- Individual A = Misses their ex so much and will do anything to get them back
- Individual B = Wants their ex back but isn’t willing to put them on a pedestal. In fact, they have adopted an “oh well” mindset.
Which one do you think has a better chance of getting their ex back?
Well, my personal research has found that individual B will be successful.
Well, I think it has to do with the fact that individual A reeks of desperation and exes can sense that.
And therein lies our problem.
Generally missing your ex isn’t a bad thing. In fact, I’d go as far as saying that it’s completely natural.
But if you are ultimately going to be trying to win your ex back then you have to approach things a bit differently.
You need find a way to ensure that they aren’t plaguing your every thought.
How Can You Get Your Mind Off Your Ex
Yesterday I had a coaching call with a client who was trying to get her ex back and she told me a really interesting story.
Basically my client had a big presentation to give on a specific day. I mean, she had prepared for this presentation for months.
Well, the day before she was due to give the presentation she noticed that her ex, who she was still friends with on Facebook, had put up a picture with another girl and changed his status to the dread,
“In A Relationship…”
Upon seeing this she was distraught and immediately started having a panic attack.
“What do I do?”
“This is impossible…”
“I can’t get him back anymore”
Needless to say she was pretty depressed.
But that’s when something interesting happened. Instead of sulking in the corner of her hotel room she had to wake up the next day and give this big presentation.
After the presentation people wanted to interview her and ask her questions.
She ended up not coming back to her hotel room until late at night.
She hardly thought of her ex with the new girl at all.
Well, she was so busy she didn’t have time to think about it. And I think she unlocked the key to not missing her ex so much.
Basically force yourself to be so busy you don’t have time to think about your ex that much.
2. Utilize A No Contact Rule
If you are an avid reader of our website and know what the no contact rule is then you probably don’t need to read this section.
However, if this is one of your first times reading this website then I highly recommend you soak everything up that I am about to tell you.
Utilizing a no contact rule is essential if you want to stop from missing your ex so much and also have them become more drawn to you.
Well, before I get into the psychology of it let me first explain what the no contact rule is.
Oh, and if you are more of a visual learner then check out this video explaining the no contact rule,
And also this video explaining how to know if the no contact rule is working,
Now, why is it so important for you to use the no contact rule?
Above I stated that your breakup is kind of like an addiction and you are always going to be looking for a fix.
The no contact rule is your first line of defense to prevent you engaging in that addiction.
The No Contact Rule Success Rate
One of my favorite articles (probably because it was the easiest to write) was my article on the NC success stories.
In it I make some pretty interesting statements.
We noticed that 70% of success stories on our website utilize the no contact rule. That figure becomes even higher in our FB group where 95% of our success stories have cited the no contact rule as essential to their success.
Now, if that doesn’t convince you that the no contact rule is a great way to attack these horrible “I miss him so much” feelings you are having perhaps this next one will.
I have noticed an interesting through line with all no contact periods being the individuals who used the time away from their ex wisely.
In other words, instead of sitting on their hands and obsessing during the time away from their ex they used their time away constructively.
What did they do?
Well, they engaged in “The Holy Trinity.”
For a quick explanation of the holy trinity check out this video,
3. Rework The Internal Conversation Going On In Their Head
Perception is everything when it comes to this.
If you really want to make a go at getting your ex back then one concept you really have to understand is that it’s not what you say or do that matters as much as how they perceive you in their head.
Here is a really interesting statistic you may not know.
Out of the thousands of success stories we have had over the years roughly half of them will break up again.
Well, it’s because the true decision on whether your ex will take you back for good happens after you get them back.
Think about it for a moment.
When you and your ex reunite it is exciting and filled with quite a bit of emotion.
It’s not until after they are pulled out of fantasy land that reality sets in and if you aren’t a strong enough force on your ex they will immediately regret their decision and your “new relationship” is doomed to fail.
It’s this internal conversation your ex has in their head that I want to highlight.
Overcoming Your Exes Internal Conversation
I am going to ask you a very simple question.
Why is it that your ex doesn’t want you back?
Did you cheat on them
Could they not stand your laugh anymore
Is it something as basic as them “losing feelings”
Do you even know?
You may not have even thought about it but I am here to tell you that thinking about it just became one of the most important tasks of your life currently.
And I am not talking about taking out a piece of paper and listing out all the reasons your ex gave you for the breakup. Often I find exes don’t have the best track record of being honest with you.
I am talking about figuring out those internal headwinds that they aren’t telling you about.
And that requires some serious soul searching on your part.
Sometimes that soul searching leads you to truths you’d rather not face.
- Is it your looks?Are you not good looking enough?
- Did he just think he could do better than me?
Now, I know what you are thinking.
“I get what you are saying Chris but how can I figure something out like this?”
Well, it’s a lot easier than you think.
Words Vs. Actions Theory
I work better with examples so lets pretend that your ex tells you that he doesn’t love you anymore.
Ok, that’s a pretty basic reason for a breakup and I certainly have thoughts about that type of logic,
The normal person takes a statement like that at face value and moves on assuming that is what happened.
But lets say that a few weeks after your breakup you, like my client in the story above, find out that your ex is dating someone new.
And to make matters worse it’s someone you know.
It’s that pesky bi*ch that your ex works with.
UGH, the nerve of this guy (in the example your ex is a guy.)
Now, your exes words clearly stated that he broke up with you because he started losing his feelings for you.
However, his actions tell a different story don’t they.
So, what are you to believe?
Under no circumstance should you ever prioritize words over actions. In fact, actions are everything when it comes to this business!
So, one of the best ways to determine what is really going on in your exes mind is to study their actions.
Simply remove words from the equation.
4. Make Use Of A Trojan Horse
You ever read the Illiad?
I certainly did.
In fact, I remember begging my dad to buy it for me when I was at a bookstore as a young child.
And I took this book with me everywhere.
But perhaps my most interesting memory of it was taking it with me to church as a kid. After all, my mom was making me go so I’ll be damned if I am not going to find some kind of enjoyment out of it.
The premise of the book is pretty simple.
A 10 year war is being waged after Paris (a Trojan) steals Helen from Agamemnon’s brother (Greek.) Eventually the war concludes after the Trojans are stupid enough to pull a gigantic horse into their city with a bunch of Greeks hiding in it.
That’s where the origin of “Trojan Horse” comes from.
It’s essentially become another way of saying “sneak attack.”
Well, I am going to teach you how to use a trojan horse to hopefully make your ex obsessed with you.
So, in order for me to fully explain this to you I’ll need you to grasp a couple of concepts.
The first concept is the idea of Misattribution of Emotions.
Here is a quick video explaining it’s premise,
The second premise we’ve already talked about quite a bit and that’s the idea of obsession.
Specifically as it relates to the addiction of a breakup.
How The Trojan Horse Works
Let’s begin with the end in mind.
The end goal here is to create an event that causes your ex to think about you obsessively without him even realizing that you caused the event.
In effect, it’s a mental trojan horse.
And we are going to utilize the idea of MOE (misattribution of emotions) to do it.
If you were too lazy to watch the video above then take a moment to go back and watch it.
MOE basically states that when human beings feel something they are likely to attach those emotions onto something that makes sense.
Now, let me ask you what is something that requires investment from you but at the same time yields so many positive emotions that it makes it all worth it?
If you guessed reading a book or watching a tv show then you’d be right.
Have you ever gotten so into a book or tv show that it’s all you can ever think about?
- You daydream about it in your free time.
- You look up fan art
- You obsess about it
Chances are you are doing things like that because it makes you feel emotional.
What if we were able to forever attach ourselves to a piece of literature or a tv show?
And what if every time your ex watched that tv show or read that book they’d naturally associate it with you.
Sounds pretty awesome, right?
Here’s what I’d like you to do.
- Think of something your ex hasn’t seen or read before (you might have more luck with books)
- Gift that something to your ex when the time is right. Generally this will be after the no contact rule when attraction is being built.
- Create an incentive to ensure that your ex reads it
- Bask in the glory of MOE
Now, perhaps the most brilliant (or evil) part of this strategy is that every time there is a holy sh*t moment that makes your ex smile in the book or TV show they will associate it with you.
Especially if you gifted it to them.
I just wanted to say thank you for making it to the end of this article.
Most people never do.
In fact, most people just skim the headings and think they’ve learned everything they need to know.
Your not that person are you?
Well, if you are then you probably won’t try hard enough to read in between the heads and miss an important bit of information.
My team and I will be personally responding to anyone who asks us a question in this article.
So if you are needing help on your situation with your ex.
Then you might want to check out the comments below!