By Chris Seiter

Published on November 11th, 2021

Today we’re going to talk about if you broke the No Contact Rule when it becomes too late.

In other words, when does the No Contact Rule lose its effectiveness?

You’ll also learn,

  • The Official Definition Of The No Contact Rule
  • How To Define The Effectiveness Of No Contact
  • The Problem With Breaking No Contact Too Often

Let’s get started.

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Our Official Definition Of The No Contact Rule

So first things first, what is the No Contact Rule?

Well, throughout the years, the Ex Recovery Team and I have changed the definition of the No Contact Rule a bunch of times, but we actually feel very strongly that we have come to the conclusion of what the best way to define the No Contact Rule is.

So on our website ex boyfriend recovery, we define the No Contact Rule as the following.

The No Contact Rule refers to a period of time where you cut off all conceivable communication with an ex after a breakup, the intent of this tactic should not be used to make your ex miss you, but instead should be used to rebuild your own life so that you outgrow your ex. By doing this, the No Contact Rule can have the added benefit of actually making an ex miss

Of course, the next question you will probably be wondering about is how long this “period of time” in which you’re supposed to ignore your ex is.

Well, it depends based on your specific circumstance, we actually have an assessment quiz that we have people take when they get into our program to determine which of the three time frames of no contact that they should be using the 21 day rule, the 30 day rule or the 45 day rule.

But one of the interesting things we’ve been noticing as time has gone on is that we’re finding a little bit more success with longer periods of no contact.

So we tend to lean a little bit more towards 45 days as a general rule of thumb.

Now, yeah, without a doubt, we find that with the No Contact Rule, the hardest part isn’t necessarily figuring out the correct definition, but rather completing it from start to finish.

The Percentage of People Who Actually Complete The No Contact Rule

We estimate that around 80% of the people that will try a no contact rule will fail it at least once.

Now, when we say fail it what do we mean?

Well, that means simply you decide, hey, I’m going to do a 45 day No Contact Rule. And then of course, your ex texts you on day three of the No Contact Rule. And you break it and respond to them or you grow so curious to figure out what they’re up to, or if they’re dating someone that you break it to reach out to them.

So what is the protocol here?

Well, every time that you fail a No Contact Rule, you have to start it over again.

But that’s not necessarily what I want to talk about today, most of you are probably expecting me to go on and on about the effectiveness of a No Contact Rule and how each time that you fail it and have to start over again, it loses effectiveness.

That’s just common sense.

What I’d like to talk about is actually how we define the effectiveness of a no contact rule.

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This Is How We Define The Effectiveness Of A No Contact Rule

Now most people think that a no contact rule in and of itself is effective if it makes an ex miss them.

So they use a no contact rule on their ex, and then their ex all of a sudden begins to miss them, we actually find this is entirely missing the point of the No Contact Rule.

So let’s have a fun little assessment here.

Let’s say that I’m your ex, and you’re trying to get me back. So you use a no contact rule on me. And it kind of works. I miss you. I reach out to you a couple of times during it, you stay strong during it, and then maybe around day 30 or 45, however long you decided to take your No Contact Rule, you are going to reach out to me and start the texting phase.

Well, it doesn’t work.

Let’s say you start to try to text me.

But nothing has really changed with you, I still look at you the same exact way.

You didn’t really make any huge gains during no contact, you didn’t really focus on yourself during no contact. You didn’t really put forth anything on social media that’s anything different than anything I already knew about you.

And you’re just not that interesting to me.

This is why looking at the No Contact Rule is just a psychological concept that can make your ex miss you is completely wrong. We need to reframe the way we look at no contact.

Too often I think our clients look at the No Contact Rule as a tool that they can use to make their ex miss them when the reality is what matters more is the internal growth you should have during no contact.

In other words, I don’t think you should end a no contact rule if you don’t feel that you have significantly improved your confidence after going through it.

So essentially, what I’m saying is with the No Contact Rule, if you do one for 45 days, if you were the same person, you were at the beginning of the breakup, after the no contact rule, you shouldn’t break no contact, you should stay in it until you feel confident enough that you don’t want your ex back at all anymore.

Now, why do I go to those extremes?

Well, most of the people who go through a No Contact Rule, don’t worry, they still want their exes back. But the people who are successful in no contact that I think have the most success when it comes to the rapport building phase are people who literally go through this process to the point where they are okay with not getting their exes back.

This is the important distinction that you need to understand. If you go into a No Contact Rule with the mentality of I need to get my ex back at any means necessary at any cost.

To me, that’s a failure because you still have that same mentality after you complete your No Contact Rule, it tells me that you missed the entire point of no contact, see, the entire point of No Contact is about giving you your life back.

Really Defining The Effectiveness Of A No Contact Rule

Most of the people coming here have anxious attachment styles, meaning their entire lives are wrapped up in relationships.

If one relationship goes awry, their entire world is basically turned upside down.

Well, what we’re trying to get people to do is realize that their entire world is not supposed to revolve around a guy or a girl or an ex or even relationship with a parent, it needs to revolve around something that gives you a greater purpose in life.

And the No Contact Rule is hopefully allowing you to understand that concept.

And most of the people who are okay with not getting their exes back after they finish a No Contact Rule have had that mindset shift, they’ve shifted their paradigm, they look at the world a little differently.

So here’s what is the craziest part about this.

We’re finding that in our success stories, almost every single one of them got this kind of quiet confidence after no contact, they still wanted their exes back, don’t get me wrong, but they knew they would be okay if they didn’t get them back.

They knew that if the worst case happened, where they failed, their ex doesn’t want them back. They knew they’d be able to not have it break their world, they have a foundation to where they can fall down and get back up.

Most people at the beginning of a No Contact Rule don’t feel that way. And we find that this people with this mentality end up having more success after the no contact.

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To me the No Contact Rule, it’s not a question of if it’s effective during it. It’s a it’s a question if it’s effective during it and after it.

And what’s interesting is oftentimes in our private Facebook support group, we’ll have clients who have coached with Coach Anna, Coach Tyler, coach with myself who we will basically tell that they need to do a No Contact Rule over again.

And oftentimes they think it’s because their ex isn’t responding to them that the way they want them to respond. And that could be the case. But more often than not, what it is, is you haven’t done enough of that work to gain that quiet confidence yet.

And sometimes it takes a lot of work.

Sometimes it takes a lot of time.

But this is the purpose of No Contact.

This is what no one wants to tell you because they’re too afraid of how you’ll take it.

I’m not like that, I’m going to tell you exactly what’s working, what works is having that mentality after no contact, when it actually comes into basically talking to an ex, it will enhance everything you do with that ex if you can have that mindset shift during no contact.

So yes, it is true that every time you have to restart a No Contact Rule, it loses a little bit of effectiveness. But that’s only from a psychological concept mentality, we all know that no contact is a form of reverse psychology, it has this reactance factor where you’re taking behavioral freedoms away from your ex.

Yes, every time you have to restart that over, you kind of hint at what you’re doing to your ex, and it will lose a bit of effectiveness.

So there’s that but to me, that’s not the most important part.

To me, the important part is what you’re doing with that time away from your ex.

That is the effectiveness of the No Contact Rule.

That is what ultimately will make the biggest difference in your life and we need to reframe the way we look at no contact because of it.

So the big thing that I want to leave you with here isn’t so much the fact that the No Contact Rule is an effective strategy.

It’s not the fact that yes, the real no contact rule can make your ex miss you.

It’s not even the fact that if you have to fail it and try it over and over again.

These are common sense things that you should know and inherently understand. The less common sense things and the more kind of cliche things are really that what you use your time for during no contact matters.

And if you’re not using your time wisely, and In a way to enhance yourself, you’re going to fail no matter what you do.

That’s what I’m always trying to get on the YouTube videos and inspire you about. This isn’t about saying the right thing. This isn’t about acting the right way. This is about living your life in a way that you’re not so wrapped up with your ex, you’re wrapped up with yourself.

That’s the key.

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1 thought on “I Broke The No Contact Rule, Is It Too Late?”

  1. Alice

    November 13, 2021 at 10:21 am

    Hello, thank you for all the free content. It has beeb really helpful..
    my bf and I broke up at the end of October. We decided not to have contact voor a month. So we’re doing no contact but sadly he is aware of it.
    He broke it off with me though we were both unhappy for a while because of depression and self-medicating with marijuana. Esp since it’s now easy available in the state we live in. Since breaking up I quit using , started therapy, exercising etc.. so i’m really working on myself and have good days. Though I really want him back; but only if he has also started handeling his depression and addiction..he however has blocked me on certain channels though not all. We are not on social media at all; so there is no way for him to know what i’m doing unless through shared friends..what do I do when the month ends..i’m reluctant to contact him and be iced out. Though i’m afraid i won’t hear from him either..