Why Am I Sad After I Broke Up With My Ex Boyfriend

192 thoughts on “I Broke It Off With Him Now I Miss Him”

Issa

December 27, 2019 at 8:20 am

Broke up with my boyfriend of 3+ years 4 months ago. We lived together for almost 2 years. We text every so often (sometimes daily) and have had a couple of in person hang outs. We went to a Christmas event at a theme park 2 weeks ago and it seemed to have gone well. After about a week of texting non stop when the conversation seemed to be going well (full of old inside jokes) he just stopped replying. I thought he would maybe reach out after a couple of days but have heard nothing from him.
Anna

December 11, 2019 at 8:16 am

I met my ex boyfriend 2 years ago. I scouted him out, we became friendly and then he asked me on a date. Recently I found out that at the time he wanted a relationship with me, but I had just got out one 6 months before that so I didn’t think I was ready.

Some months after that he actually ended up being in a relationship with someone else. I was crushed. So we kinda stopped talking in general for a bit.

Early this year we came back into talking. We really started getting close after about 4 months. He started taking me out a lot, spending a lot of time with me, and we talked every single day. All my previous feelings came rushing back and we made it officially a couple months after that.

It seemed like as soon as we made it official, he didn’t treat me the same. I barely saw him, and although we still talked everyday, it wasn’t the same. He stopped asking me about my plans and he stopped planning dates, and I was always unsure of his feelings for me. I did bring this up several times, and nothing happened. (I understand his schedule of work, child, gym, cooking- but it was never an issue before we made it official. Yeah he was very busy, but he still made time for me) After 6 weeks of it, I broke it off. (Last last night – Monday night).

He didn’t say anything about the breakup. I sent him a voice message. I wanted to do it person, but I never know when I’m gunna see him.

I love him but I don’t understand why the sudden change. He called me about 24 hours afterwards but I was sleep.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

December 15, 2019 at 6:00 pm

Hey Anna, by the sounds of things the guy likes the chase, but once he had you he relaxed a little and settled into a routine that is more of a “seeing each other” almost relationship. IF you want to get the guy back then you need to do some work on becoming Ungettable so that he invests more time in chasing you again. However if you start dating him again you need to be MUCH MUCH less available to him. Tell him when you are free (NOT ALL THE TIME) and he will have to choose when he can see you as you will only be free a few hours of your very busy and social week for him. If he cant make it then thats on him. However the only time I suggest you do not get angry or upset that he cant see you is when it comes to his child as that will be a turn off for him. So make sure you find that balance if you know the days he see his child make sure you a free the days he isnt with the little one

Carly Daniel

December 11, 2019 at 8:11 am

We dated for 3 years. He was funny, smart, charming, and loving. I saw the future with him. Getting marry, having children, buying a house, traveling together. But the minutes I decide this will be my man for the rest of my life, I started to notice things. He never clean, unless I asked him to. He won’t come out and help me carrying the grocery in, unless I ask him to. He will get his plate only when it is time for dinner and I did all the cooking, unless I asked him to grab me a plate as well. When we go camping, he would just throw everything in the tent and I would make the bed, (knowing that later in the night we will drink ourselves silly and it will be hard to make the bed). We talked about this, many times. How it would be nice if he just act out of his own concierge instead of having me ask for it. He said he will try but never did.
And then he drinks. He is a functional alcoholic. 6 beers a day is normal for him. On the weekend he would blacked out twice a month. I mentioned my concern and he said he will change, but whenever I come over, he still drink like we never have that conversation before.
The last straw happened on a friend’s birthday. There was supposed to be 6 couples, but he was too drunk to come while I got there straight from work. I was 11th wheel. The whole night I was angry and mad and embarrassed and hurt. I came home, cried myself to sleep and in the morning, we had the talk and I ended it.
And I miss him. So much. We sent each other texts everyday, memes, phone calls. Now it is just emptiness in my heart.
I am not sure if I did the right thing. He is so smart, and caring, and loving. Even though he doesn’t do things on his own, but whenever I asked him, he always helps without hesitation. It is just that in his mind, the thought never occurred. And the drinking… he never do anything overly wrong… he just went to bed early when we were supped to watch a movie, missed dates, passed out when we need to talk… but never angry or abuse.
I have been doing the no talking for 2 weeks. And it is Christmas soon, when should I talk to him to get him back? What do I do? Should I get him back? Or should I move on? How do I stop missing him?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

December 15, 2019 at 5:56 pm

Hi Carly so by the sounds of things he needs to seek help for the excessive drinking that he does as it is not normal to drink until you pass out, especially multiple times a month that is not going to be good for his health, mental or physical. If you still want to get him back that is up to you, but keep to your no contact for 45 days and do not reach out over Christmas holidays. You need to make him think you are moving on with your life because the things you want from him are not hard to do, even if he did after you ask, that is who he is as a person so if the thought never came to his mind back then it isnt going to in the future either especially if he is still drinking. If you are going to work on getting him back then know he is not going to be different the second time around with out some serious work on his part and if he sees no issue and does not make changes when youve asked him its likely he isnt going to. Following the program is going to give you, your best chance of getting him back starting with No Contact

Mary

December 10, 2019 at 6:09 am

Hi this was the best article I have found on the internet. I just recently broke up with my boyfriend of four years two days ago. I have been crying non stop. I broke up with him because I have had thoughts about breaking up for two years and I kept pushing them to the side saying “work through it, relationships aren’t easy” and I kept finding myself wanting to talk to other guys, and see what else could be out there. BUT I was scared to lose my boyfriend. So I finally decided that it was time (we were long distance, separate colleges) to breakup, and see if I can live a life without him and be independent and happy. Now I hurt him… ALOT. And I blindsided him. And I feel bad that I hurt him because he’s been in my life for so long and I love him so much. But i just don’t think I’m emotionally and mentally able to commit to a relationship right now. I don’t know I might just want to see what else is out there in a casual way. Is that wrong? Did I make the wrong choice, I do miss him1 but it might be because he’s my highschool sweetheart.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

December 11, 2019 at 9:13 pm

Hi Mary I’m glad you found the article interesting and it has led you to us! Do a No Contact and take some time to do things yourself and see how you feel in the end of 45 days. You are going to miss him even if you do not want to get back together as you have been in each others lives for a long time

Sara

December 8, 2019 at 10:39 am

Hi exbfr team 🙂

I broke up with a guy (my next door neighbour) who was becoming my bf (we were dating for a month and were exclusive but it wasn’t „official“) because after a month he let me know that he Couldn’t be there for me when I need him (I had taken the morning after pill and was feeling bad) and wouldn’t be there for me when I need him because he was too busy. I chose no contact for 21 days and then we met for coffee twice. (I need to add that I asked him back 3 days after breaking up and he said he Actually thought it was a good idea to break up) we haven’t spoken about the relationship until I mentioned yesterday that I was sorry if I hurt him for ignoring him for three weeks, to which he replied – it didn’t hurt – it was just weird. We’ve met up but he refused to hug me both times, until the first time I hugged him goodbye yesterday. I ended the text conversation asking him why he didn’t think it was a good idea to try again and he replied „because we couldn’t make it work before“. „He says he’s fine with how it is hanging out but doesn’t want anything more“ I feel completely crushed. snd I have no idea what to do from here. I have completeled no contact and am now walking backwards Into break up town again, after it seemed to be going fine, I shouldn’t have messaged him asking him back again.

Last message was me saying „which parts didn’t work?” ”It seemed you had some trouble expressing when you were upset” but I have proposed a relationship again or at least enjoying time together and I feel like I’ve sunk myself low and didn’t gauge the situation enough to let things build up slowly – where do I go from here? I feel like I’ve messed the whole thing up..again

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

December 9, 2019 at 5:26 pm

Hey Sara, so you have to re start your no contact and then start texting do not go straight to meet ups as it does not work the same when you are following this program. Even though you live next door you need to try avoid bumping into each other as much. Easier said than done I know. But thats where you need to be aware of what limited no contact is and make sure you stick with that too.

Trice

December 4, 2019 at 4:39 pm

Hi
i found your article to be very insightful and I hope to get a reply from you.
I broke up with my boyfriend about 2 months ago due to his inconsistency and lies. We had been together for over 2 years. As a person I am very big on communication but he doesn’t feel it’s that important in a relationship and tend to sweep thing under the carpet. When we have issues he tends to paint me as a bad person. We had one big fight That changed everything and there was no coming back from there, despite multiple efforts from me to make it work and bring back the spark. In the 2 months we have been broken up he has reached out to me causally but my response back hasn’t been promising cause I didn’t want to make things easy for him, I want him to show efforts that he really wants the relationship as much as I do because for a very long time I was the only one putting in the efforts. Now I really miss him alot because asides all stated above he’s a really nice guy and i do not know what to do.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

December 6, 2019 at 6:04 pm

Hi Trice so by the sounds of it your boyfriend was not fulfilling your needs in the relationship. So you need to keep that in mind in the moments where you miss him. Even though I can advise you if you want to get him back, if he does not realise what you want from him you’re heading down the same road as you are now. Also some people are just not compatible and if he is not a big communicator then you can not force him to be.

Marie

November 28, 2019 at 4:07 pm

I broke it off with him after 4 months of just casual dating. In the beginning we decided to just be FWB but over time we hung out more, he treated me like his girlfriend, he made plans with me ahead of time for the weekends, we went on road trips, we had a lot of firsts together. Over time my feelings got stronger for him and he agreed that he was feeling the same for me but he did not want a relationship. I let some time go by and just stayed enjoying one another and taking advantage of living in the moment. As time passed I noticed that he had a huge impact on my emotions and not hearing from him one day would just bring me down. He wasn’t a big texter either so it would cause stress in me to not be able to do anything about it because we weren’t exclusive. I dwelled for an entire week if it was the right thing to do to just break things off. So I finally decided to do it but I spoke to him with love and understanding and I told him that I would have to walk away from what we had going on because we weren’t on the same page. He attempted to convince me to stay and continue what we had going on but I just couldn’t do it anymore. So he just let me go like nothing. I know I’m worth someone that knows they want me and only me but it’s really hard to cope with these feelings knowing that we had something real going on and the connection I felt with him I truly haven’t felt with anyone. It’s been 2 weeks and I tried to do the no contact rule but I messed up and texted him that I missed him and that I wanted to see him as friends and he said he missed me as well but wanted to be more than just friends but I knew that meant FWB’s I told him we would talk in person when we hung out but at this point I don’t think he’d want to hang out as friends. I should be hearing back from him in the next 2 days, if I don’t I know that I really need to move on.
Hanna

November 25, 2019 at 10:00 am

I’m so happy I got this site thank you ! I’m in my 50ies . Met this guy who is 4 years younger than me ! In the beginning it was really amazing for about a month . Then I travelled back to where I came from . He then started overwhelming me with I love you in block letters and exclamation marks , calls me a million times a day ! Wanted to quit everything going on in his life to come back and live with me , introduced me to his family over the phone and in person .,, so I honestly don’t know why I freaked out but it just felt an every day feeling of guilt that I don’t love him that way . Then I had to say that to him that he is amazing but I started feeling suffocated. Well he was upset, very upset though he knew this was going to happen one day. It’s been four days since he stopped talking to me . I have started missing him but most of all I have started worrying about him wondering if he is ok . Is that normal? I’m sitting here staring at my phone , should I call him or text? Would that be adding salt to the wound ? Please say something

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

November 25, 2019 at 4:55 pm

Hi Hanna, so it is honestly normal to miss someone who we spoke to every day and spent time with to then have nothing at all. So yes what you are feeling is normal. However if you do not want to be with him leave him alone. Do not give him mixed signals by reaching out now. Even though we promote No Contact for someone who wants to get their ex back, I also believe that you should not reach out after you have ended things for that person to deal with their own emotions, without hearing from you hoping you’re going to change your mind. If you feel differently in 30 days then I suggest reaching out to him and try speaking through things on a friendly unemotional level.

Briana

November 18, 2019 at 3:54 am

I broke up with my boyfriend of 9 months a little over a week ago. It was the second time I broke up with him – the first time was about 3 months ago and it only lasted two days because I missed him and immediately regretted it. This second time feels more permanent since it’s happened twice now.

We are both in our early 40s, divorced, with children. Mine is still school-aged and therefore more of a part of the equation. But we had some fundamental differences he didn’t think were as big of a deal as I did – about religion, guns, money, spare time, retirement…(what can I say, I’m a planner). We bonded over John Oliver and good beer and the best chemistry in bed I’ve ever experienced. You can ignore differences about money and religion and attitudes towards guns when you don’t live together. Neither one of us was ready to move in together anytime soon (for a couple of years at least) and marriage was a question mark for both of us. He always said we could make our relationship look any way we wanted it too, and yet he always talked about the future like we’d eventually live together and be married. It felt bound to follow the path of lots of second marriages: date, move in, marry, your kids despise the other person until they move out, buy an RV, get old, die.

It became overwhelming for me. He’s been divorced longer and he’s ready to think about marriage again. I am not. And the doubts I had towards the end of our relationship felt an awful lot like the doubts I had when I was dating my ex-husband and I’ve become wise enough to know that you can only push doubts asside for a little while before they boil over and all the sudden you’re hiring lawyers and dividing up property… I am SO, SO afraid of that happening again that the littlest thing that seems off in a relationship scares me. I am not ready for this.

So I let a wonderful man go. A man I love, who loved me, who treated me well. Could we have worked through our differences? Maybe. Maybe they’re not as important as I think they are. But maybe they are and I’m right in the long run for letting him go. But it still hurts so bad. I can’t imagine how he feels. I’m so sorry, Brandon. I love you. If I had met you when I was 20 and malleable, you would have been the love of my whole life no doubt. But I am a crusty old woman, set in my ways, and I have a lot of figuring out how to bring someone new into my life.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

November 23, 2019 at 12:34 pm

Hi Briana, so based on what you have said above, I suggest you look for a local relationship therapist who can teach you how to deal with the negative thoughts and feelings you get that make you want to run for the hills when you are with someone. Fear of things going wrong is something that most people do get, but it is about controlling your impulse to run when things get tough and learn how to voice your thoughts properly and work through them with your partner.

FYI you are not an old woman, life beings at 40 so start enjoying yours! Read about what it takes to be an Ungettable and do those things, think about the things you wished you did when you were 20 and go do them! I would like to think at 40 I am still enjoying my life and having fun, single or not. Good Luck <3

Nathalie

November 14, 2019 at 8:42 am

Hello chris your articles are so helpful, thank you so much .
I wish you’d read my comment and understand it because english is not my first language
I want to tell you the story ( in which I think The reason I broke up with my bf was wrong ) we were in a LDR, we are from the same country but he’s studying in another country, we dated for about 9 months and meet 2 times
He’s a good guy, he’s caring, and we love each other, our arguments would be about him being busy and not making time for our relationship or him liking girl’s photos on IG, ( we’re both busy we’re studying in university) but I was always be there when he calls or text even if I was busy studying or cooking or even hanging out with my friends …. But when I do call him or text him he’d take hours to reply and he’d make me feel clingy.
One time he told me that he’s going to delete his IG account so he would focus on his studies I was ok with it ( but deep down I felt like he doesn’t care about me because IG was the only thing that link us, because I don’t have any other social media accounts or apps ) and then another time he told me his IG account has been hacked and he needs to delete me and he did it and he deleted his friends too, after that I told him I’ll give him some space and we’ll not talk till he get his diplomat because I didn’t wanted to be a burden ( he said: no you’re not a burden and I’m just busy blah blah blah ) … after that he’d just send me some memes from time to time but never ask about me or how I was doing, and when I reply to the memes he sent me or ask him how he was doing he’ll take days to respond. He didn’t even sent me a happy birthday text .
So, I took the decision that I’ll broke up with him because if he was really intrested in me he would make time to me as I did to him. I sent him a text ( I told him that he makes me feel lonely and not welcomed,,, and told him that I deserve better and wished him good luck) he respond with ( I’m sorry you know how busy I am and yes I know you deserve better …) and from that day I’ve been doing the no contact rule and it’s been more than 2 months, he still didn’t delete his IG account and he re-subscribe his old friends and add them to his account and he’s active on IG everyday. he didn’t make any move, I really miss him and I don’t really know If my decision was right or wrong,sometimes I think I was being selfish and needy and other times I think he’s the one who did me worng … please help me !!!

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

November 18, 2019 at 8:42 pm

Hi Nathalie, so the difficult thing here is you chose to walk away and he allowed you rather than chased you. So you need to take the time to do a No Contact, work on yourself to a point where he will notice you and think to himself that he has missed out on a great girl because you are so fun, exciting and beautiful. You need to do some reading about the Ungettable girl and what you need to do to become that person to your ex.

Lisa Guile

November 13, 2019 at 9:25 am

I found this article immensely useful. I was feeling so isolated with my feelings, thinking there was something wrong with me.

My ex is a genuinely lovely guy, but after only 7 months, the spark had completely gone for me and I wasn’t even that fussed about seeing him. Part of the problem was physical, in that he’s shorter than me and I’ve always been out with guys taller as I find that more masculine. Also he has a hairy back! Emotionally however he is a little quiet/withdrawn with no real circle of friends. I’ve not met any of his friends in 8 months. I am the polar opposite of that!

I ended it 3 days ago as I felt that was the right thing to do,otherwise I would have just ended up being nasty to him. The moment I walked out of his house, I’ve not stopped missing him, to the point of tears.

We agreed to be friends & still see each other, but having read your article it’s like I’ve had a revelation and see now that I need to distance myself from him for a couple of months and then re-evaluate. Thank you so much.. your article has made a real difference x
Ashley Quinn

November 13, 2019 at 6:59 am

Hi,
To start off I would like to say thank you, this blog and this particular article has made me feel really understood and helped me in so many ways through this breakup. My head keeps jumping from I made the right choice I made the biggest mistake of my life. My impulsiveness and impatience has made it hard to sit in the unknown. So heres my story, I broke up with my ex for numerous reasons most of them really valid. But what I did not anticipate was all these feelings of guilt. I started in with thinking, I could have done more to fix us. Well at least done half the work on myself before giving up. I met him when I was barley 18 he is 4 years older and I dealt with a lot of health issues at a young age which I felt matured me. So speeding up to my current situation after being broken up for almost two months, I drunk dialed and went over late night for yes sex..The next morning I woke up feeling wow I know I made the right choice. Flash forward again a week later I found myself in conversations with him over text, it was his birthday and then mine right after which made it hard not to reach out on both sides. That is when the doubts started, did I mess up, can I fix this, was I to blame for our toxicity? I felt an overwhelming feeling that I need to talk face to face with him, by the way we were together for almost 5 years and we broke up over text and phone call, but I tried many times to end it face to face he just made it too painful, I did not end it because I did not love him its because we were broken and I lost myself and my happiness. I started to think if only I started working on myself while we were still together maybe we would be okay. I don’t know how much sense I just keep replaying both scenarios out. We did meet face to face I said what I needed and he cried and pored his heart out to me, it felt good to know he was hurting as much as I was even when I was the dumper. We had sex we laughed we caught up let loose, almost felt like we were two different people which made me hopeful that the breakup was necessary for both of us but it did not mean we couldn’t work it out. Flash forward to a week later he went from poring his heart out to just being casual with me over text which I initiated. Moving forward to the weekend I drunk texted him I needed to talk again now and kind of just showed up at his house historical, which made me look bad…I slept over and we had a talk the next day before I left, regarding my behavior the night before which fair he deserved to give me shit. But he said there was a lot more we would need to get back together which I understood..at first but like I said I am extremely impatient and impulsive and not knowing if we were getting back together or not was driving me crazy but I couldn’t let myself appear needy because honestly I wasn’t, I just did not like the not knowing which I am working on. After our second chat post drunk me showing up at night on his doorstep. I felt hopeful still, a little mad at myself for going over there but happy he was able to talk through it the next day. Also after the morning talk we had breakfast which kind of was our date thing to do we both loved breakfast and decided to just enjoy that without talking any further about what needed to change for us to be together again. After this meeting I found myself overthinking wondering what he was doing, who he was with, if he meant what he said when he said he had hope for us getting back together. I did not text him, going to therapy really helped me slow down. Coming up the following Friday I sent him a video of what I was doing because I knew he would respond..it was a bunch of cool cars. He did indeed respond, asked me how my week was we went back and forth and made plans to see again Sunday. We texted back and forth again before Sunday meaning Saturday and he told me his plans to go out and I played it like I was too but I really wasn’t..Which did not help my run away train mindset I could not sleep all I kept thinking is he with someone else did he have casual sex. Which to be fair I have had a lot casual sex since the breakup. Are you following because I am all over the place..SUNDAY comes and he calls me early but I had just woken up and had friends over, so I texted him I was going to brunch with my friends and I would text him later..Later comes around I text him trying to make plans he started being vague long story short we played cat and mouse for HOURS I ended up waiting up late changing my plans and him coming over exhausted from his day and night out over the weekend…which seemed UN FUCKING FAIR. I felt like he was testing me to see if I would get angry and I DID NOT..lol, at least I did not tell him I was. But we had sex and he left…I felt like a booty call..which for me was mind blowing because I would not have agreed to the meet if all he was gonna do was fuck me and go…Before he left he said I am sorry I don’t have work tomorrow let’s hang then. Woke up to a text saying “sorry my brain was fried last night” I said lol we went back and fourth about his day plans I told him mine and called him later to make a set plan. He texted me saying he was with friends and that he had a flight at 11:30pm which I knew it was 4pm at the time and he said he was going to drop of his dog at his moms around 6ish I then realized he was playing games like the night before I responded “I cant tonight have a safe flight” he said ” okay thanks” UGHHHH . Back to the bigger picture I don’t think he’s good for me and I think I am craving the comfort that at this point he wont even give me. IM LOST DID I MAKE A BIG FAT MISTAKE ENDING IT!
or am I only thinking about him because he is playing games with me..
I wanted to send him a final goodbye letter but I DO NOT want to make any rash decisions because I am confused what I want and what could potentially hurt me. With all these games already happening I am starting to think I need to finally shut the door in a healthy way, BUT DONT WANT TO REGRET IT HELPPPPPP MEEEE!

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

November 14, 2019 at 12:09 am

Hi Ashley, you’re welcome for the article.

So as far as not wanting to make a mistake or regret your decision. Even if you feel this is right for you, you will miss the person you have been in a relationship with for some time. Even if you don’t want to be with them anymore the silence of not having someone there plays tricks with you. My advice is not to send the letter, you can write it out but do not give it to him.

Work on yourself and work through your feelings during your No Contact, even if you do change your mind and want him back at the end of the 30 days it will have given you enough time to know if you miss the company to know if you miss him

Cat

November 8, 2019 at 3:00 am

Thanks for this great article, I’ve read it before but keep having to re-read it to remind myself that it’s okay to miss my ex (even 3.5 weeks into “no contact”).

The missing comes and goes. Some days I’ll feel great, happy to have so much time to do whatever I want, happy to not have to listen to my ex complain and to not have to do what he wants all the time. I feel good that I’m starting to find myself again. Freedom!

Other days I miss the good times we had – when he treated me well, when we were a team, when he complimented me and surprised me with gifts. He could treat me really special, like a princess, and be my best friend, listening to all my troubles and thoughts…. or he could be a narcissistic jerk, belittling me for doing nothing wrong and complaining about everything, all the while dragging me down with his negativity.

So, every now and then I need a little reminder of why it’s okay for me to have those relapses where I miss “the good times” and the feeling of being loved; the feeling of having Someone I could talk to and tell everything to and trust. I feel sad that the relationship didn’t turn out how I thought it would. But I am so happy to be single and free and want to be Sure I don’t forget that and let my ex back in a passing moment of “missing.” That’s where this article comes in 🙂
Anonymous Confused

November 7, 2019 at 8:10 pm

I’m the type who usually doesn’t spend enough time dating someone to get too attached. However, this time I dated the guy for almost 6 months. I tried to play it down a lot because I almost didn’t go on a second date even though I enjoyed our conversation on the first, because I wasn’t sure I was that attracted. But I like to give people another chance and after the second date, I realized I really enjoyed spending time with him, he’s a great person, and makes me laugh and I love how much he adores his niece and nephew.

Most of the time I was dating him, I was questioning it all and my feeling…how strong are they? Is this how everyone says it should feel? And I was coming up with reasons why it probably wouldn’t work….he works an hour away and lives an hour and a half away with his parents, since he moved home from the coast to be near his family. I’ve never been in a long term relationship since I normally cut it off as soon as I don’t enjoy hanging out with someone, but I did enjoy spending time with him and we have a good amount of common interests.

We never talked about our relationship and I never initiated that conversation because I still wasn’t 100% on how I felt. We never slept together (I am also living at home while saving money after getting my first true job and moving home from school) and neither of us took much romantic initiative …the few kisses we had were short and forced.

However, I was upset when we went from talking everyday to once a week, maybe, and him cancelling a couple dates. Then when I saw him the first time in three weeks, he had invited me to something for his brother in law, asked me to pick him up and take him there because he didn’t have his car where he was dropped off (turns out he did, he just wanted me to be dd and for some reason didn’t tell me) he was already drunk. Then he got mad when I would not take him to get his car and basically agreed I should leave and didn’t even walk me out or hug me. It was quite the shift for him….so I ended it the night after that…he did apologize but it was a one line text. I ended it in text and told him I was too emotional at the time and wanted to talk later on phone or in person if he did, but he hasn’t said anything to me in four days Now I really miss him and all of his good qualities….but I really don’t know how to decipher what I am feeling since this is a first for me.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

November 8, 2019 at 10:31 pm

Hi AC, so from what youve said it doesnt sound much of a romantic connection as it does a friendship one. If you are feeling forced to kissing someone then that is not physical attraction it sounds more like you’ve connected mentally. Give it some more time (30 days NC if you can) and if you do not have a romantic / missing him feeling then I would say he was just a friend you are close with. You cant force a romantic attraction.

Teddy Ruetz

October 23, 2019 at 6:45 pm

Three months ago, I broke things off with my boyfriend of over a year and a half. Currently in life I am unhappy with my career (right now I am a 2nd grade teacher) and I am working on loving myself more and finding a new career path. My partner was very driven, had a great career and was a triathlon runner. I felt inferior to him throughout our relationship. I felt that I had so much to work on and he already had achieved the things I was struggling to work on when I was with him.

At the time I left him I thought my reasons were valid. He had two dogs and I was not the most enthusiastic about his animals. I was not fond of the hair and I have allergies. We also had different ideas of money/lifestyle. He wanted to make a lot of money and I was content with just the basics in life. I do believe that part of how I felt had to do with the fact that I make very little as an educator. Obviously, our relationship was much more complicated than just those reasons, but he never cheated on me, and made me feel loved overall in the relationship.

I am now questioning if those reasons could have been sorted out and I was putting too many expectations on the relationship. I haven’t seen him in over 2 months and I miss him incredibly. I believe I may have left someone I could have had true compatibility with and now I will never find that again. Being gay and finding someone who wants marriage, kids and a monogamous future is very difficult. We both aligned with those beliefs and goals for the future. I am hurting more than I can say and want him back very badly right now. I know it has only been 3 months since the breakup, but should I trust how I am feeling and reach out to him? I don’t even know what I would say. He also got another dog after the breakup, so now he has three. I do feel that this may complicate the problem we had before even more now, if he is even willing to take me back.
Hani

October 18, 2019 at 3:38 pm

I broke up with my ex about 10 days ago. We were together for about 8 months. We had a very serious relationship we got to know each other very well before we got in to the relationship. I broke up with him because he was referring to another women as his girlfriend and in his defense he was saying this to a random person and not someone who knows him, so he had the right to say anything. I’m a firm believer that if someone loves you then they are it. He begged me not to leave and I didn’t talk to him at all after the break.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

October 20, 2019 at 8:08 am

Hi Hani, I’m wondering does he know the other woman? Is there a chance something was going on between them I don’t understand his reasons to say this if it isn’t true, to a stranger or not. If you want him back then once you’ve completed your NC you can reach out using a text Chris suggests and work your way up the value chain but I would be cautious that this other woman isn’t in the picture

Lily

September 26, 2019 at 8:35 pm

Hello,
I’m going to try to keep this as short as possible but I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years about 2 weeks ago, I did so because I didn’t feel respected in the relationship nor did he put in any effort into the relationship or even in getting to know my family (even though I always tried my hardest with his and became very close to them) he even cheated on me twice with his EX girlfriend but always told me that he only wants me, I took him back obviously but then I kept having really bad trust issues and I was constantly paranoid I decided to end it because I didn’t feel happy and when I spoke about it to him he would promise change but never did, Recently I’ve seen him holding hands with his Ex in town but nobody knows if he is actually in a relationship with her or not, I’m starting to miss him as I keep remembering all the good times we had and I’m slightly regretting my decision but I know that I must leave him alone as his friends have told me he said he doesn’t want anything to do with me, clearly he doesn’t miss me if he’s moved on and stated he doesn’t want anything to do with me, yet I miss him…
Veronika

July 12, 2019 at 5:34 pm

Hi.. I broke up with my bf like 4 weeks ago.. We were together for 4 years.. Our start was very difficult as he had a gf oversees and he couldnt break up with her/did not want to do it via phone..so we worked like that for 6 months and he left for 4 weeks to vist her.. I first thought it was just a fling but fell in love.. When he came back he still was with her and I said I am done.. He broke up with her after 2 weeks when I ended it.. So we started to meet again and a month later he asked me to live with him.. I panicked and said no.. But in the end agreed.. Rushed? Yes.. Trust issues? Yes.. Did my alarm ring? Yes.. Ignored it… It was nice in the start but due to my work and the issues which were created due to our beginning I got sick and was on pills due to panick attacks.. We managed somehow and I changed my job.. The year went on and we found a flat to buy.. We discussed joined mortgage.. Alarm again? Yes.. Ignored it and agreed… So slowly third year went by… And during this time he stopped goong much out with his friends or planning our weekends.. I did that joband we spent most of the time with my friends.. He was always nice.. We did evedything I wanted.. He took care of me waiting with coffee when I came from the gym.. Tooke care of dinner etc.. Soon I started to have a feeling that our roles were reversed and asked him to go visit his friends etc… 4th year it went downhill I simply wasnt happy.. We argued about same things always making a circle – financial debt of his family.. His behaviour.. My passive agressive behaviour.. And then went back to ignoring it.. In may i had a surgery abd he stayed home with me for 3 weeks.. I was desperate already and hurting I thought we will bind abd talk again.. He took care of me whenever I asked I needed something.. But did not talk to ne much.. There was nothing to say.. So one day i asked him to go out for lunch.. Of course it was again on me where we go.. I literally was sitting there not talking.. Waiting for him to lick any topic.. Nothing came.. It hurt.. I was desperate to get back to work.. 3 weeks we spent in most of the time seoarate rooms and i got colder.. Maybe I shouldnt have.. I felt its only on me all the time… A week after I was at work we went to ikea our flat was supposed to be finished soon.. I couldnt breath.. I could not imagine my life like this.. This wad not the men I fell in love with.. It hurt and I did not want it.. The whole last year on and off I was thinking what to do.. 3 days after I told him I dont want to move in with him that I dont want a life like this last year… We broke up… We agreed i take the flat cause I was able to pull it off financially alone.. We were polite to each other.. And because the whole movibg thing was not finished lived for aweek still together sleeping ib different rooms.. I was breaking.. He started to train again and going out with friends I felt like it was my fault that he is happier without me… I moved out when i got the flat and am 3weeks alone now.. We still though meet up cause we have to sort out a lot of stuff and take care of the old flat etc… So there is no no contact period.. I miss him I feel hurt.. There was no big issue like cheating, abuse etc.. I just simply was not happy trying a break going to london for a weekend if maybe he hears i mean it.. Going to a therapist… If maybe it helps.. Trying to talk when we are in a good mood.. It all broke me piece by piece through the year.. Yet I still miss him waiting for me with coffee.. Saying hi honeyy i missed you… Taking care of stuff.. I am trying to remember all the bed things or things I thought wefe bed… But I dont know… I can not see yet if I made a good or a badcall.. I saw him and I see he is again the man I fell in love with.. But is thus change to last? Are those issues we had gonna be sorted out? I tried.. I dont believe it simply but I still miss him… How do I know? Was I just blind? How do you know in the phase of your hormones what tge hell to do and how to decide… There will be no contact possibility for weeks yet due to all those things around flat… I am worried I will tell him I want to get back and be unhappy again.. And I am worried I was just blind I just wont say anything and will lose something important…
Catherine

July 11, 2019 at 3:40 pm

Hey I just read your article so here’s my story,

My ex and I were together for 2.5 years,both college students at the same department.Since the beginning we had a rocky road but it made us come closer.However,his bad childhood,made him what we call a perfectionist and manipulative person.Let me mention that I have been diagnosed with OCD and last year,due to academic pressure and relationship pressure I had an OCD attack that lasted for the whole summer.I was compulsively thinking that I should end the relationship.Anyways on September my OCD symptoms subsided and I was much better with him.
However,after Christmas that we took some time off because of my controlling behaviour,he started treating me really bad.He would insult me,tell me bad comments about my style and that he wanted me to dress more slutty.He would call me names,threaten me to leave me if I didn’t do what he asked.During our weekly fights he would “test” my ability to do things the way he wanted to and if I failed,he would tell me that I wasn’t trying at all and he wanted more cause I was “mediocre”.On the other hand,I would do anything he asked for,running behind him and always apologising and telling him that he’s right and I wasn’t trying enough.
Every time I tried to be the tough one and told him that I would leave he would apologise and tell me how much he loved me and he was sorry for hurting me.Of course I would give him a chance and the next time his requests would be even more paranoid.
One day I just couldn’t deal with this anymore.Things had been calm for a while but I wasn’t feeling happy.All these insults,him humiliating me…I was the only person that helped him and supported him in some difficult times and I always felt that he never considered that and appreciated it.
Btw EVERYONE around me would tell me to break up,at least 6 months before it actually happened.
So here comes June.I just called him and said I couldn’t do this anymore and that I couldn’t be what he wanted me to be,that I was just faking it and that wasn’t who I really was.
For two weeks he would try to get me back,calling me and cry over the phone.And I felt that I had done the right thing for the first time in my life.
However,the last week has been like hell for me.I was actually cyber stalking him and noticed that he added some new friends on Facebook.He also updated his profile pic and seemed happy.Immediately I thought that he found someone else.
Ever since I can’t stop thinking about him.I miss him so bad and feel like my decision was wrong.I can’t stand the pain of watching him move on with his life although I broke things off.I know my OCD doesn’t help at all either.I’m addicted to him.I really believed that this time this wouldn’t happen cause It felt right for the first three weeks.
Now all I do is cry and keeping myself from not texting him.I want to apologize for cutting things off out of the blue.For breaking his heart.I don’t know if I should be with him.I just miss him and can’t imagine that we will not talk to each other again.I never wanted to be dead to each other.I just feel so bad and confused….
Shel

July 3, 2019 at 10:57 pm

Hi Chris, here’s my story.
I grew up a very dysfunctional family. I was the Cinderella and there was my father, my stepmother and my much younger half sister. I was the servant. Worthless…
I met this person at the age of 18 and half. We started dating. Nothing was serious. It was my first relationship but I was indeed emotionally involved. A year after we met, it has become a serious relationship. I was severely abused emotionally and psychologically during my teenage hood. So I believed I was a difficult to deal with from my boyfriend’s perspective. But he was very accommodating. He took care of me. I realized how does it feel to be loved. Then, at the age of 22, i have decided to pursue my studies in a different city far away (6hrs by plane). He was very supportive. We were long distance for another 3 and half years. We see each other every summer and during Christmas season. During my studies, I went no contact with my narcissistic father. I was traumatized and suddenly broke. My bf was working at a café and his friend lent his money so I can finish university while waiting for government’s financial help. Anyway, a year before I completed my degree, his widowed mother came to join us in Canada from another country. Because I grew up in such a dysfunctional family, I knew she was difficult right after living with her for 3 days. Then I left after winter break for university. That’s when I started to fight with my bf everyday on the phone. I was scared of meeting another woman like my evil stepmother. He hasn’t lived with his mother for around 10yrs, he thought that I jumped to the conclusion too fast. I came back for summer break and it was hell living with her. I mentioned earlier that my bf was accommodating then I realized it’s because he has a narcissistic mother. His mother is the queen and her son is the servant. She is not happy seeing us happy together. She puts me down. She treated me like nobody. I felt like how I used to feel when I was living with my father and his wife. I wanted to move out with bf, but he doesn’t agree. Money was an issue and of course his narcissistic mother. My bf will do anything to avoid angering his mother. His mother even used suicide many times as an excuse to get her son do what she wants. Anyway, it was so hard for me to re-live my past. I thought my bf could protect me and no. After summer I went back to university for my last semester. Our relationship almost came to an end because I pushed him to move out with me. He was not on board. I felt like I was not his priority. We have lost the sparkle. Within a few months time, I found well paying job. And our relationship went back on track. He was so happy as it took a lot of financial burden off of his shoulder. I mentioned moving out again. He was still not sure. He wanted to wait his mother to move out before him. I now guess it’s because he knew how his mother would react and that she has no shame in causing a scene, even in public. At the same time, his mother was living partially with her new fiancé. So I didnt have to face her every day anymore. Within the next 5-6months, we finally moved. Life was not perfect, because I wasn’t sure if he put me as his priority or he is enmeshed with his mother. It reminded again of my own past. My father chose my stepmother over me. That’s why I suffered tremendously. I asked myself why evil people win all the time? I still dont have an answer. When we lived alone with my bf, his mother would constantly call him. Even when she cut bit of her thumb while cooking. She used the victim tactic to get her son visit her at her fiancé’s place. Am I just too sensitive? It’s his relationship with his mother ultimately. Why I still felt hurt and angered? 9 months after we moved out, I fell into depression. I stopped working. My bf started taking care of me. I’d gone back to work a few times but I was not ready. I needed time to rest and breathe. Two and half years later, I finally quit the job that I dont like. Now it’s been almost three months that I’m jobless. I broke up with him a few months ago but he just moved out a few days ago. I have to say, yes, he is not that attached to his mother’s umbilical cord anymore. He has the courage to shout at her if necessary. He seemed to have “improved”. But we argued a lot. It’s always so difficult to communicate with him.
Hmm..the ultimate question is, do you think our relationship is worth to be saved? Or is it doomed to end. It seems like probably my childhood wound is still open. I haven’t healed from it completely. But I’m seeing a therapist. However, in regards to my love relationship. Everybody seems to have their own opinion. Please help.

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